


Social-Universal Object Permanence: A Study in Stratford

by SeeWithMyOwnEyes



Series: A Study in Stratford [1]
Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Android Gore (Detroit: Become Human), Angst with a Happy Ending, Body Horror, Canon Compliant, Canon Temporary Character Death, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Gay Robots, Gay Simon (Detroit: Become Human), Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Markus Loves Simon (Detroit: Become Human), Memory Loss, New Jericho (Detroit: Become Human), Panic Attacks, Post-Canon, Reconciliation, Recovery, Self-Destruction, Self-Hatred, Simon (Detroit: Become Human) Backstory, Simon Dies at Stratford Tower (Detroit: Become Human), Soft Markus (Detroit: Become Human), Sorry Not Sorry, Stratford Tower (Detroit: Become Human), Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-26
Updated: 2020-02-28
Packaged: 2021-01-03 15:36:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 98
Words: 209,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21181829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeeWithMyOwnEyes/pseuds/SeeWithMyOwnEyes
Summary: One month after the successful revolution, Simon finds his way back to New Jericho,  but in the weeks that follow, something is wrong. Simon finds a concerned Markus outside his bedroom door. Memories are shared, and truths are uncovered, and it becomes impossible to pretend any longer that everything is okay.There's a new war, and New Jericho is the battlefield, as Simon, Markus, Josh, and North struggle to come to terms with what might happen when things fall apart. Blurring the lines between friend and foe, this new war proves more dangerous than even the most violent revolution. Because if you can't protect yourself, and you don't know who to trust, nowhere can ever be safe.This is a story of a nonlinear path to healing in the aftermath of the end of a world. The end of a world that mercilessly refuses to stop spinning at a rate that's impossible to catch up with alone. Luckily for Simon, he'll slowly learn that he doesn't have to.





	1. Wrong Side of the Bed

Simon bolted upright, terribly disoriented as he awoke from sleep mode. He could feel tears in his eyes and didn’t even need to see the notification-- “Core Temperature: 101.29^”--, to know that he was burning up. Panting to catch his breath, he looked around.

Right...

He was in New Jericho.

He had been dreaming.

Just dreaming. Same dream he’d had almost every time he’d entered sleep mode. That's why he hadn’t been sleeping until Markus took notice and ordered him to power down. Yet, despite this knowledge, he couldn’t stop shaking.

Wiping a bead of pale blue sweat from his forehead, Simon reached for a pouch of thirium he had brought to bed with him; thankfully, he had anticipated this would happen. He quickly drank it all to lower his core temperature, somewhat hoping that once his body processed the new thirium, it would filter out the remnants of his dreams, no, memories, from the old thirium within him.

Regardless, he couldn’t stay in bed all day. Even though the deviants had ‘won’ their freedom, they quickly learned that freedom wasn’t simply something to be won or lost in a war, but rather something to maintain, guard, protect. Deviants all over the country were still struggling every day, and he and the other residents of New Jericho were at the center of this never ending battle. 

So he rose from his bed, still shaking, empty thirium pouch in hand, and began to mindlessly walk out of his room.

“Simon...?”

“Markus!”

Simon looked up to see a familiar mismatched set of eyes fixed upon him, concerned. He hadn’t even noticed Markus waiting outside his door. For how long had Markus been standing there?

“I was just on my way to check in with the rest of the Jericho Gang…” Simon explained.

Even though Markus was now their leader, Simon was the first surviving deviant to find his way to Jericho, and as such, he’d acted as a supervisor of sorts. Initially, he did so, simply to be a voice of reason for whenever Josh and North disagreed on how to achieve their goals and wouldn’t listen to a newcomer like Markus, but now he did so because he secretly no longer trusted any of them to keep in mind the best interests of the deviants they were supposedly fighting for. He didn’t trust anyone but himself.

Markus put a hand on Simon’s back, a nonverbal request to wait. Looking at Simon, icons flashed all over his line of view.

“Core Temperature: 99.85v, Stress Level: 88%^, Fresh Thirium-New Bottle, Tears, Fresh, Rapidly red blinking led…”

Markus knew Simon hadn’t been well since his return, and it was obvious that he was trembling terribly, but still, as usual, Simon pretended everything was fine. Except, this time, with the thirium as undeniable evidence to Simon's distress, Markus wasn’t going to let it slide.

“Simon…” His voice was soft, a song to which Simon’s ears had long since forgotten the tune. “Please don’t be afraid, but run a self diagnostic for me? My sensors detect no sign of physical damage, but all the same, you've clearly been unwell. I’m just a prototype, so maybe there’s something I’m unable to detect. Don’t worry. As soon as you let me know what it is, we can fix i--”

Simon just noticed the thirium dripping from his mouth. He wiped it away defensively with the back of his hand, cursing his carelessness for not having done so before he'd left his room.

“No… I’m fine...” Simon lied, looking away so not to meet Markus’ gaze.

Part of him missed feeling Markus care about him, but he knew better than to let Markus get close to him again. Markus grabbed Simon’s arm gently, applying just enough pressure to hold him there, but not enough to cause him any pain.

“Simon, please... For me…”

Simon quickly turned aside.

“I'm fine, Markus. But I really should go; I have to--”

“Simon, please! I don’t want to have to access your memory--”

Markus hated to invade Simon’s privacy like that without his permission-- it somehow felt inhumane--, but he needed to know what was wrong in order to know how to help.

“Let go of me!” Simon yelled, desperately trying to pry his arm from Markus.

He couldn’t let Markus see. If he knew…

But Markus quickly retracted the skin from his hand, pulsing a current through Simon and back into himself, and they both froze, their eyes blank. The current stopped, and when Simon came to, Markus fell to his knees shaking. Markus' led was blinking red, as his own cycled yellow, processing what had just happened.

“Markus? Markus!!!”

No response.

Markus didn’t seem to hear him.

‘North! Markus needs help!’ He sent out the message before dropping to Markus.

He cradled Markus in his arms, the lingering fear having drained out of him, replaced with concern.

“Don’t worry, Markus. I’ve got you. North is coming to make it stop.”

“Simon! What happened? Were you attacked? Wha--?”

North. Simon was grateful to see she’d taken his message as seriously as was merited. 

“No, North. There’s been no damage to his system or to his hardware. I was-- Markus… He got access to my memories...”

North looked at Simon, terribly confused.

“What does that have to do with--?”

“Look, I think I might know what to do. Just help me with him…”

The two laid Markus down onto the floor in silence, as North thought of a way to inquire further…

She understood that a deviant’s memory was a very personal, very private thing. She would never speak to anyone of what she’d seen at the Eden Club. But what could Markus have seen to cause him to go completely blank like that? She’d have figured it was some factory reset by the lifeless look in his eyes, if not for the way he was trembling, crying.

“He seems overloaded somehow. Do you know what he’s seeing?” North asked, not daring to access Markus’ memories to find out for herself.

Simon occupied himself by measuring the beat of Markus’ thirium pump, so he didn’t have to look at North as he explained himself. 

“He’s... not seeing anything…”

“He’s blind!?!”

She could understand if his recycled blue eye had given out from the overstimulation if the data he'd received was large enough, but his green eye… Had the transplant begun to corrupt his original parts?

“Sort of. Not really...His eyes are still fully functional. Just let me do this…” Simon forced himself to give more information, understanding North’s concern.

“I’m sorry Markus... You weren’t meant to see that…” He whispered, unsure if Markus could even hear him in this state.

“Wait. I thought you said he can’t see...?”

Simon didn’t have time to explain, even if he wanted to, which he didn’t.

“Hold him down. He’s in shock now and can’t move, but once I bring him back, his stress levels might get dangerously high. We can’t let him self-destruct.”

“Let him what?!?” But before Simon could respond, he had already retracted the skin from his hand and rested it on Markus’ chest, sending his own energy through Markus.

“Simon!” Markus gasped, the blank expression on his face distorting into something that could only be described as tragic.

“He’s here, Markus. He’s here.” North said, her tone uncharacteristically reassuring.

Markus tried to lift himself off the ground, but Simon held him pinned to the ground.

“Focus! Hold him down! He’s trying to get up!” Simon ordered North, who held his head still in her hands. 

“...I’m okay, Markus, Do you know where you are?” Simon spoke calmly. Why was he soothing Markus on the subject?!?

The sudden look of awareness on Markus’ face melting into a look of desperation, as tears began to form.

“Simon… I know I don’t deserve it, but please… Let me go. I want to die. I need to die!”

Markus tried harder to get up, and Simon struggled to restrain him.

“You… don’t know what you’re saying…”

“Please, Simon!”

“Delete the memory if you can’t bear it! You can delete it. I won’t let you die!”

Markus tried to meet Simon’s eyes, but Simon kept his closed.

“I can’t delete it,” he said, A pained sincerity in his voice. “I owe it to you to save it…”

North looked to Simon horrified. 

“RA9, what the fuck did he see?!?”

“My voice... “ Markus muttered. “...It was my voice... But Simon---”

“Shhh! It’s fine! I’m fine! Stop!” Simon practically begged Markus, tears forming anew in his own eyes.

“No you’re not! It was more than just a memory!” Makrus snapped.

Simon looked away, embarrassed.

“Markus, you don’t know what you’re saying… please…”

“Don’t lie to me! I know everything! And I know I want to-- No. Need to die! Please, Kill me! Let me die! We all need me to die!”

“Markus?”

North couldn’t process him talking like this. Everyone needs him to die? Suddenly, the widest, most hopeful smile crossed Markus’ teary face as his led glowed the brightest blue.

“North!” he sighed her name, the key to his salvation.

“Yes, Markus?”

The look in his eyes. The way he said her name. Simon realized why and immediately felt betrayed. Markus could not ask her to--! She would catch on…

“Markus! Don’t you dare!” He warned tersely.

“North! Fantastic! You would--!”

“Markus!!!” Simon needed him to shut up!

“Please. Please kill me!”

North recoiled, horrified.

“What?!? No!!”

Markus’ led glowed the darkest shade of red at her response as a look of pure hatred formed on his face.

“No?!?”

“Markus, please. She doesn’t--”

Simon understood, even somewhat took pleasure in Markus’ rage, but the rational part of him knew that the circumstances were different now. This wasn’t North expressing that she valued Markus’ life over his. This was just--

“You fucking bitch!” Markus spat, trying to lift himself from the ground.

His thirium was boiling. That she would so eagerly kill Simon, No. Make him kill Simon. Make him do worse than kill Simon just so humans wouldn't have access to Simon's memory, yet be unwilling to free him from his misery and free New Jericho of the pain he’d caused. In that moment, he saw North as pure evil, no better than the humans who had taken Simon, torn him apart, programmed other androids to--

Simon climbed onto Markus, pinning him down with the full weight of his body to prevent him from getting up and self destructing.

“What the fuck is happening?!?” North exclaimed, extremely shaken up by the uncharacteristic malice in Markus’ voice, and the cruelty of his words; Markus was always so even tempered, so calm.

“He’s worse than I thought! Get Josh! I need him!” Simon explained.

“Can you keep him down until we get back?”

“Yes. Just go!”

North got up and sprinted to Josh’s room as fast as she could. Immediately Josh knew something was wrong, tipped off by the fact that she hadn't even bothered to knock.

“Josh! We need your help! Something happened to Markus!”

He knew it must have been even worse than she made it seem. North would have never come to him for help unless it was an absolute emergency.

“What!?! Where is he?”

“He’s with Simon. He accessed Simon’s memory before I got there, and now he’s trying to kill himself! He even asked me to do it!”

Josh shuddered internally, but kept his cool. For something to cause Markus to reach such a stress level… He couldn’t imagine. And if it was Simon’s memory…? What had Simon experienced that would cause Markus to…?

“Take me to them. I can hold Markus still while Simon can figure out a way to work him down.”

In North’s absence, Markus had begun to bash his head on the ground hard enough to crack his skull, causing a deep blue puddle to blossom around him, before Simon could stop him. Simon quickly took Markus' head in his hands, trying to restrain the bleeding deviant with all his might.

“Let go of me!” Markus roared.

“After what you saw, you’re still trying to leave me?!?”

“I’d be no less helpful dead than I am alive! You’d be better off without me! Without my voice!” Markus shot back, as Simon could hear the sound of footsteps approaching.

“Simon! I’m here!” 

Josh had arrived, North close behind. 

“What happened? He’s bleeding!” North mentally kicked herself for having left them alone.

Josh quickly took Markus from Simon, holding Markus up above the ground, pinning his hands to his chest, so he couldn’t move.

“Let me go!”

“No! Not until you stop trying to bash your head in like a maniac! Simon, what happened?”

“Without North, Markus managed to--”

“Simon, take off your shirt!” Markus interrupted.

“What?!?” Josh looked at Markus, all the more confused.

Now, of all times, to make such a request? He had a feeling there might have been something going on between the two, prior to Simon’s return, but it wasn’t like Markus to be so forward in anything, and the head trauma didn’t appear to have affected any biocomponents that would alter his behavior… Plus, why now of all times?

“Take off your shirt! That’s an order, Simon!” Markus repeated.

Simon hesitated. He… hadn’t fully deactivated his skin since he’d gotten back. He wouldn’t admit it, but he was afraid to. Still, to calm Markus, he removed his shirt, keeping his skin on, hoping that would pacify him enough. His own led glowing yellow, he waved to Markus.

“There. Happy?”

“And your skin! You know damn well what I meant! And Josh, let me go! I need to see him retract his skin. I need to see... “

Simon folded his hands together anxiously. Could Markus handle seeing the damage?

“Are you sure, Markus?”

“I need to see it Simon… Please...”

Markus wasn’t sure if he needed to see to it verify that the memory he'd received had been real, or simply out of penance. He just knew he had to. After all, it was the one thing he could do. Josh noted his stress level had dipped to 96%, set him on the ground and turned to North.

“Get him some thirium. The wound looks superficial, but it’s bleeding badly.”

“Got it”, she nodded back at him, leaving the men alone. Nervously, Simon put a hand to his led and retracted his skin, showing his plastic-metal frame. It was terribly cracked, baring his wiring with a bright blue glow, with a hole in his chest so big that his thirium pump was almost entirely visible. The damage was rather extensive, so much so that after all this time, it still hadn't healed, and it looked incredibly painful.

“It’s not as bad as it looks…” Simon whispered meekly, his hands behind his back.

Markus started to shake again, beginning to fall. Josh caught him, noting that his stress level had risen to 98%.

“Simon… What happened? How…?” Josh didn’t understand.

Markus steadied himself and walked to Simon, as if wanting to somehow heal the gaping wounds with his touch.

“Simon…”

Simon’s stress level jumped to 88% upon hearing Markus’ voice approach his bare, broken torso. He flinched, shivering, and blocked his chest with his arms, before falling to the floor, a mess of tears and broken parts. His led flashed red as he hugged his knees to his chest, rocking himself as he begged, his voice barely a whisper.

“P-please... please… don’t…”

Markus froze for a second, before beginning to claw at his throat, seeking a way to access his main thirium line and rip it from his body.

He knew it!

Simon was afraid of him!

His presence had been causing Simon nothing but pain since he’d returned!

He had abandoned Simon, left him to die, and then, blind and helpless, it was an android using his voice that called out to Simon before reaching into his chest and tearing out his thirium pump-- no--his heart, as he pleaded _“Don't leave me again, Markus! Don’t leave--”_ with his dying breath.

This was his fault. They could fix Simon’s wounds and with Markus gone, Simon could live like he used to. Markus’ arrival had so badly tortured the man whom he loved more than anyone still around on this planet. Anyone who wasn’t already rotting away in a burial plot-- his life also cut short because of Markus' hateful existence.

Josh tore Markus’ hands from his throat.

“North! Forget the thirium! It’s happening to both of them now!”

North returned to find Josh looming over Markus, who laid face-down on the ground, his trenchcoat on backwards, the sleeves tied together like a makeshift straight jacket.

“What happened to Markus?!?”

“He tried to rip his own throat out when he freaked out after seeing Simon… Simon… He’s in bad shape… I’ve got Markus, just go help him!”

The first thing North had noticed upon looking at Simon was that his stress level at 95% and rising. Then she saw his body.

“Holy shit! Simon, did Markus--?”

The question only elicited a terrified sob from Simon.

“No. He was like that before. When he took off his skin, Markus moved towards him and he panicked.” Josh explained.

North bent down to Simon’s level and put a hand to his cracked jawline.

“Simon, can you hear me? I need you to turn on your skin.”

No response. Just shaking.

“Simon, please. We can try to fix you, but first you need to turn on your skin; it might help you calm down...”

No response.

North sighed, somewhat annoyed.

“Fine... I’ll do it for you then…”

She retracted the skin on her hand, placed it over his led and manually activated Simon’s skin. Simon came to, his stress level dropping down to 90%.

“North? What happened?”

Simon retraced his steps and realized; he had taken off his shirt and retracted his skin and…

“Markus?!?”

“Josh is with him. I’ll show you. Can you stand?”

Stand? Simon just realized he was on the ground. He… He couldn’t feel his legs! He began to tremble terribly, having relived this scenario in his mind enough to know that, this time, it was real again.

“Stress level: 94%^”

North swore to herself. She didn’t know what to do! She didn’t understand what was going on, and never really understood how to diffuse a situation quite like the rest of the gang even so.

“Josh!”

“Stress level: 97%^”.

Simon’s led blinked rapidly as he laid flat on his back, immobile, only able to beg helplessly, only able to watch North run off from his spot on the ground.

“Don’t leave me!”

Honestly, North wasn’t really sure what would happen to Simon, but Josh would take care of it if she could just get him over...

And Markus would be fine... He was Markus... He could pull himself together. Sure, Markus had put on a bit of a show in the hallway, but Simon used to always be on the verge of emotional collapse, holding himself together only because if he fell apart, no one would be around to keep everyone else together.

So North certainly hadn’t expected the scene in Josh’s workshop to be somehow worse than the scene Simon had been making when she’d left him.

“You tied him to a fucking table?”

“I had to. He was going to hurt himself.” Josh replied matter-of-factly.

“You’ve got the leader of the resistance tied to a fucking table?!?!”

“Please let me die…” Markus sobbed, his led glowing a slow, mournful red under several layers of gauze bandages. They both glared at him to shut up, and Josh came to a realization.

“Nevermind that! How’s Simon?”

North fidgeted anxiously, but met his eyes.

“Not good He dropped to 90% when I manually rebooted his skin, but then he went back up to 97%. Can you try handling it? I don’t know what to do.”

Josh looked back at her, his expression grave.

“I can, but I don’t know what to do for him either. I can access his memory to search for a solution, but then I might end up like Markus… I think only he can help Simon, but I don’t know how to help him...”

North frowned. Markus couldn’t help Simon. Simon couldn’t help Markus. Josh couldn’t help anyone!

Screw trying to talk or access memories! All that came of that was one man tied to a table, bleeding from his head; another paralyzed on the floor, unresponsive.

“I’m tired of this! I’m trying things my way!”

North shoved past an apprehensive Josh. He was well aware that ‘North’s way’ was never pretty.

“What are you--?”

North stormed over to Markus, and put a hand on his chest.

“Markus…” she started, meeting his eyes with an unbreakable intensity.

Markus smiled, full of hope again.

“North! Are you going to kill me?”

“No! Pull yourself together!” North shouted furiously, slapping Markus across the face so hard that his head turned in his restraints, a hand-shaped bruise already beginning to form on his skin.

“North! His head is still injured!”

Still, North ignored Josh, her attention still fixed firmly on Markus.

“Simon’s in danger. He’s at risk of self-destruction, and you’re the only one who knows why. If we try to access his memory to find out for ourselves, we might self-destruct too. If you don’t quit feeling sorry for yourself, Simon will likely die, as might anyone else who tries to help him!”

Markus stopped crying, his eyes widening as he came to understand the gravity of the situation. Seeing this change, North undid the restraints, helping Markus to sit up on the table.

“I want to help, but he’s… afraid of me…” Markus winced as if it physically pained him to say it. “Afraid of my voice… I didn’t do it, but that… that thing used my voice…”

“Thing?” North looked at him, confused, and Markus turned away, waving his hand dismissively

“Let me speak with Simon alone. It’s bad enough I forced you two to get involved this far. It wasn’t fair to him…”

“But--” North objected.

“I won’t hurt myself. Not when my friend needs me. Not when Simon needs me.”

Markus assured as he hopped down from the table. Josh nodded at North to let him go. His stress level had dropped to 82%.

“How the hell did that work?!?” Josh marvelled.

“Well maybe if you’d listen to me more often--” Markus could hear North start to rage, as he left to return to Simon.

Simon didn’t notice Markus kneel down at his side. Not a good sign. Then the icons popped up in his vision around Simon.

“Core Temperature: 104.3^”

“Stress Level: 104%^”

Markus could feel his own stress level rise to 90%.

“Simon…” he spoke softly.

Trembling more intensely, Simon unsuccessfully tried to sound unintimidated to his perceived assailant.

“W-who is it? W-what… what do you want?!?! ...don’t hurt me…”

The last phrase escaped his lips against his will, causing him to panic even more. Markus held his hands passively in the air, where Simon could see them if he chose to look. Speaking calmly, he explained himself.

“It’s me, Markus. I’m not going to hurt you. Open your eyes. You can see now.”

Simon was sure enough it was Markus to be honest with the voice, but still, his stress level remained the same.

“I-I can’t! I can’t open my eyes... I’m scared! What if I do and I can’t see again?”

“What if you do and you can?” Markus replied.

Simon nervously opened one eye.

“Markus...?”

It was Markus… His head had been bandaged from earlier, but the thirium on his collar had begun to dry, and he had a fresh hand-shaped bruise on the side of his face. For how long had Simon been like this?

“Yeah, Simon. It’s me.”

“Stress level 102%v”

Simon tried in vain to face Markus and cried.

“Markus, I can’t move… I can’t get up…”

Markus lowered his hands, and leaned in towards Simon.

“Calm down, Si. There doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with you except your ventilation system. Activate your ventilation system and you should be better soon. Breathe, Simon”

“I haven’t been able to move since 93%. I haven’t been able to breathe since 96%. And I haven’t been able to run a self-test since 101%.” Simon admitted fearfully.

“That’s okay. That’s good, actually. It means once we get your stress level down, you’ll be fully functional again. We can keep you cool manually until then. Let’s get you to a--”

“Stress level: 104%^”

Simon couldn’t move! He couldn’t go anywhere!

“I can’t move! I can’t move! I can’t move! I can’t--”

Markus gently lifted him from the ground.

“W-what are you doing?”

“What I should’ve done. before...” Markus explained. “... and what I’ll always do from now on; if you can’t walk, I’ll carry you. I’ve got you, Simon.”

“Stress level: 97%v”

“I-I don’t believe this…” Simon whispered.

He wouldn’t allow himself to believe it. The last time he believed Markus would be back for him left him, the resulting heartbreak of the truth somehow hurt worse than the resulting destruction of his thirium pump.

“You don’t need to believe it. It’s the truth regardless of what you think. Trust takes time, and I get that. So believe what you will, and I’ll do as I will.”

Simon’s warm tears felt cold, almost refreshing against his burning metal frame. He let them flow freely, as Markus pretended not to notice. Markus just held him closer, ignoring the almost painful heat radiating from the limp body in his arms. The heat would not deter him from the body he’d been longing so to hold.

An icon flashed in his vision, as he looked down at Simon:

“Core Temperature: 105.2”

Markus blinked it away, walking just so slightly faster toward the room they had built for this purpose, but not fast enough that Simon would notice and grow alarmed. He lowered Simon’s limp body into the empty bathtub, so that his head rested against the back of the tub and his arms hung out over the sides. Markus figured he’d want to be positioned so that he could see, and use his arms once he could move again.

“Markus--?”

“Stress Level: 99%^”

Simon knew it would be too good to be true. He realized that Markus had always been willing to carry him before. The problem was when Markus set him down and left him behind. Markus leaned against the side of the tub with one hand, placing the other comfortingly on Simon’s shoulder.

“Don’t worry. Josh is coming with some ice for you. It should keep you cool until you can breathe again.”

Simon kept himself from pleading for Markus to stay this time, but only barely. Even so, Markus was still beside him once Josh had finally arrived. Josh swore to himself, when he saw the status of the immobile deviant. It was a miracle Simon was still alive in his condition. He’d never seen an android run so warm without major damage to vital biocomponents.

Without delay, he filled the tub with ice, causing Simon to flinch, unable to move as the cold bit into his skin.

“Cold! Too cold!” Simon protested helplessly.

Markus put a gentle hand on his forehead, noticing the stark contrast between the burning heat of his frame and the chill of the ice. “I know it’s uncomfortable, but it should get your core temperature down until your ventilation system reactivates.”

“Are you sure you shouldn’t go rest for a while? You’ve been through a lot and your head still hasn’t healed…” Josh whispered to Markus. Instantly, Simon’s eyes widened with fear.

“Stress Level: 101%^”

Why did Josh want him left for dead again? He still couldn’t move, and he could feel his entire body burning with cold, paralyzed under the ice. It would eat away at his frame right down to the wires. Markus could see Simon’s stress level rise and brushed his blond hair aside.

“Shhh... shhh… There’s no need to be afraid. Your self healing program should kick in soon...”

Markus turned to Josh.

“No. I’m staying with Simon. At least until his stress level gets down to a reasonable point. My self-healing program has almost completely taken care of the wound on my head.”

“Stress Level: 97%v”

“Your call, Markus. I’ll be in my room. Call me or North if you need anything.” Josh called on his way out.

Simon closed his eyes, as if that would render him immune to every unpleasant sensation, every fear tearring into him.

“Good, Simon. Just rest. I’m here. I can see you’re already improving. Maybe try to enter sleep mode to accelerate the healing process.”

He was scared. He didn’t want to sleep. He couldn’t sleep. But it might help him heal faster, decreasing the chance of Markus leaving him behind before then. Of course, he couldn’t ensure Markus would be there for him in his sleep.

“I--” Simon started a thought, but cut off as Markus took Simon’s hand and wrapped it between his own.

“I don’t need to access your memory again to know you’re afraid to sleep. But you need to rest, Simon.”

“...don’t leave me…?” It was more desperate than he’d have liked, but it was all Simon could manage to get out.

“I’ll be here.” Markus reassured, and reluctantly, Simon activated sleep mode.

Markus smiled. At least for now, Simon slept peacefully. It was nice. He liked seeing Simon so calm, undisturbed by the chaos of the world. He liked seeing Simon. He didn’t notice North enter the room until she spoke his name.

“Markus?”

“Oh. Hey, North… Sorry about how I was earlier. You were right. At least, this time, anyway.”

“It’s fine. You weren’t yourself. It must have taken a toll on you though. You should get some rest. You’ve been here for almost an hour.”

“I want to stay with Simon...” He replied simply as North sat down behind him.

She thought a moment, then asked in an uncharacteristically delicate tone.

“Markus… What did you see? Why did it affect you two like this…? Do you… Do you know what happened to him?”

Markus stopped gazing at Simon and turned to North solemnly.

“It wouldn’t be right for me to tell you. It’s between me and Simon. He’s… been dealing with a lot.”

“I understand. Just please take care of yourself too.”

“How I feel isn’t important right now.”

North shook her head. She knew when Markus got like this, that there was no changing his mind. Getting up, she turned to leave, before she realized Markus was too busy shooting goo-goo eyes at Simon’s unconscious body to notice his condition’ s improvement.

“Oh… And, Markus… His stress level and core temperature are both within normal range again. You can try to manually reactivate his ventilation now, and he should be good to go.”

Markus smiled.

“Thanks, North!”

Markus lifted Simon, still asleep from the ice bath.

“Stress Level: 72%v”

“Core Temperature: 99.1v”

“You’re much better, Simon. You pulled through. Just like always.”

He set Simon down onto the ground beside him and placed a hand on his chest, sending his own current through him to jumpstart his ventilation system. Simon took a breath and shivered, still somewhat wet and cold.

“Let’s dry you off and get you into bed.”

Markus took a towel and started to dry Simon’s torso when the icon appeared in his vision.

“Core Temperature: 98.3v”

Odd.

Markus was initially confused as to why Simon’s temperature was still dropping, only to realize his pants were still soaked through with ice water.

He laughed silently to himself.

If they were human, with the human concepts of modesty, this would have been incredibly awkward. Luckily for them, they were both androids without features that called for human modesty, so that didn’t matter, as Markus redressed Simon, in dry clothes and carried him into his bed.

He tucked Simon in to keep him warm, and dismissed the new icon in his vision: “Rest Mode Autoactivate: 00:01:00.00” , a timer indicating that, soon, he too would succumb to exhaustion.

For how long would he be asleep?

Would Simon wake up first and panic to find himself here alone?

Markus couldn’t risk that, So as his time ticked down, he quickly decided the best course of action was to lie down beside him. It wouldn’t hurt to rest here for a while.

As he could feel rest mode initiating, he was unaware of the fact that he was turning into Simon, his face pressed into the curve of Simon’s shoulder, his arm falling over the covers across Simon’s torso.


	2. Mission Deceit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus and Simon prepare for a new mission, but everything is not what it seems, and only Markus knows what's really to come.

Simon woke up within the hour, rather disoriented. Why was he still in bed so late? These weren’t the clothes he went to sleep in… And he could feel a weight on his chest…

Markus?

Suddenly Simon remembered what had happened, and felt a warmth inside him he had so dearly missed. Markus had stayed with him, taken care of him.

Markus had _cared_.

And now, Markus slept at his side, allowing him to heal and sleep restfully for the first time in a while. Even with his eyes closed, bandages covering his head, and the now-faint mark from where North had struck him, to Simon, Markus had never looked more beautiful.

Simon decided that, so not to disturb Markus' much needed rest, he would just stay there and pretend to be asleep as well. Although, truth be told, he had no desire to put an end to this particular arrangement. Fortunately, no one was around to tell the truth to, so this would be his new secret. Much nicer than the secret he’d been keeping before. He closed his eyes with a smile.

But then he heard footsteps coming their way.

“...I’m worried about Markus… He was so intent on looking after Simon that he outright dismissed the idea of taking it easy and letting himself heal.”

North? Had Markus concerned her that badly? He felt bad for putting Markus through such trouble, and deepened his resolve to stay and let Markus rest.

“Wait, what?!?! He still hadn’t healed and you just let him watch over Simon all on his own? Something terrible could’ve happened to him! He could’ve shut down, putting both him and Simon at risk!”

“No. He wasn’t going to shut down… You know how he is... I’m just worried about his current condition. Neither of them were in the bathroom when I checked. I don’t know where or in what state they are… I figured we check Simon’s roo--” North cut herself off as she and Josh arrived at the doorway to find the two asleep on his bed. “RA9! I am never going to let them live this down!”

Simon kept his eyes closed, still feigning sleep, but couldn’t hide his faint blue blush or the smile snaking across his lips.

“Give ‘em a break, North. Do you always need to cause trouble. Let the poor guys rest and feel safe with the knowledge they’re not alone in whatever they saw.”

“Sure! That’s why they’re cuddling like that! Josh, I don’t know where you’ve been before New Jericho, but I can tell you without a doubt that they are most certainly what humans would call ‘lovers’.”

Josh cocked his head at North.

“They’re our leaders, North. They love all android kind.”

“Yeah, but they really love each other. Ha! New Jericho power couple right there.”

Josh punched her arm lightly.

“I know North, but you don’t need to make such a big deal out of it. The last thing either needs is for you to tease them over something like this! They’re not even awake to jab back at you!”

“You’re right. We should wake them!”

“What! No! That’s not what I meant!” Josh protested as North bent down to Markus, when Simon silently sent them a message.

‘Please don’t. He needs his rest. Then you can give us all the trouble you want after he wakes up on his own.’

North grinned.

‘Oh, of course you’re awake! You’re just loving this aren’t you! Your face is bluer than the thirium stain on his coat!’ She sent back.

‘I am not ‘loving this’ as you say. You seem to be though, having barged into my room uninvited.’

Josh smirked.

“Let’s leave them alone, North. Come on. Don’t you have more important things to do? Maybe stop humans from antagonizing fellow Androids instead of taking on the role yourself?”

North glowered at Josh, and rose, following him out of the room.

'Just wait until Markus wakes up!’

But Simon didn’t care. North would give him hell later, but right now, he was safe with Markus.

Markus woke up when he had entirely healed about two hours later, startled at the position in which he found himself. He quickly removed his arm apologetically and rose, to find that Simon was already awake.

“Simon! I-I’m sorry! I must have collapsed like this when my system powered down!”

But Simon was smiling. He rose more smoothly.

“It’s okay, Markus. Thanks for helping me.”

“No problem... Glad you’re feeling better.”

Simon tugged at his shirt, acting surprised, as if he hadn’t already known it was a new one.

“Red?”

“Oh… Um... about that… Your clothes were soaked with ice water, and your core temperature was running low so you needed to change into something warmer, but as you were deep in sleep mode…”

“Makes sense. North’s going to give us grief for that when we get out though. Heh. Maybe should’ve tried something more similar to what I was originally wearing.”

“This… suits you… Brings out your eyes.”

Simon blushed.

“Speaking of clothes, you might want to wash your thirium-stained jacket. How’s your head?”

Markus undid the bandages around his head and turned to show Simon that the damage appeared to have been completely repaired.

“Good,” Simon approved.

“Simon… I’m so sorry…”

“It’s fine. I didn’t mind. This was… nice…”

Now Markus blushed.

“Yeah. It was… But that’s not what I mean. What I saw. What you went through. I didn’t do it, but it was still my fault. I know it was…”

“No, Markus--”

“Yes it was. I shouldn’t have left you alone at the tower. It’s just, seeing you like that, I panicked. My mind went blank for the first time since I’d gone deviant. I couldn’t think of anything to do, so when North said to… and Josh said to leave you behind, I went with the only option I could bear. If I hadn’t frozen and had just thought for myself, this wouldn’t have happened. Some leader I am. Some friend.”

Simon looked at Markus, deeply confused. Markus was never indecisive. He always had an idea. Always had a plan. The idea that Markus left him out of the inability to think clearly enough to find a way to save him had never even occurred to Simon. He allowed his eyes to go blank as he reaccessed his memory from that day:

> _Markus was pacing. He looked so unhinged. _
> 
> _He won't be able to make the jump. His voice was soft, but with a slight nervous tremor as he came to the horrified realization._

“Simon!” The real Markus shook Simon’s arm, and he came back with a start.

“Markus?”

“You went back there again. You’re shaking.”

Simon noticed the same fearful look in Markus’ mismatched eyes. Makrus wiped away the tears from Simon’s face that he hadn’t even realized had begun to fall.

“I’m okay, Markus. I’m just… surprised. I did it on purpose this time. I needed to see something… It… hadn’t occurred to me that you were upset back then. I’m sorry for worrying you.”

“Don’t be sorry. Worrying is a part of caring. But Simon, I need to know... Are you still afraid?”

“I… Yes… You know what it felt like. It isn’t your fault, and I don’t blame you for it, but I don’t think the pain is something that will go away. I trust you, really I do, but fear is something different. It distorts perception. I think I’ll always be afraid.”

Markus frowned.

“You told me to delete the memory. Why can’t you do the same?”

“I’ve tried, but I think it’s so deeply encoded in my system that its removal would alter my being so drastically that my processors won’t allow it. You still can delete it, though. It isn’t exactly a fun thing to have on one’s mind.”

Markus put a hand on Simon’s shoulder and met his eyes.

“You’re right. I can delete it… But I won’t. I won’t allow you to feel like this alone ever again. At least by keeping the memory, I can feel what you felt, so I can understand and be there now, even if I wasn’t then.”

“You really don’t have to. I would never ask you to--”

“I know. But you don’t have to. I can see all my options this time, and this is the one I choose.”

Simon abruptly wrapped his arms around Markus, unable to think of how to express himself other than through an embrace. Markus reciprocated, neither deviant wanting to pull away, despite the nagging feeling that, as always, there must have been something more to attend to.

Simon could feel the guilt begin to build that he was keeping Markus from something more important. His selfishness for wanting this was holding back android-kind. Reluctantly, he pulled away and found his voice.

“...So are we just going to spend the day here? Not that I’m complaining…” Simon asked Markus, awaiting his assignment.

“No. Unfortunately, New Jericho never rests, even if we want to…”

Markus shifted up.

“I actually just received intel that makes me inclined to open a new mission. I would prefer not to do it alone, but seeing as North and Josh have their hands full back here, I was wondering if you could come along. It’s only a little after noon--we should be able to be back before sundown.”

“Of course. I’ll come with you.”

Simon’s eagerness evoked a smile from Markus. It was like the old Simon.

“You’re wonderful. I’m just going to finalize plans and gather supplies, but I’ll be back shortly for us to head out.”

Simon nodded, as Markus got up and left the room. He closed his eyes and sent a message.

‘Connor, can you meet Simon and I at the DPD in an hour? If it wouldn’t be too much trouble, I’ll have a few questions for you there regarding the time after Simon’s capture.’

He got back a message immediately.

'I...I’m sorry Markus… None of that was supposed to... Well it was supposed to… but I deeply regret what happened. I had no control… I couldn't physically stop myself… And Amanda was going to deactivate me… I didn't want to… I didn't mean to... I… don’t know what to say...’

‘Don’t worry, Connor. No one here knows what happened except Simon and I. Simon has been… off since his return, so I accessed his memory, and learned of the incident, finding that it's been causing him extreme distress. If it weren’t for the rest of the Jericho Gang, both of us would have self-destructed. Neither of us blame you in the slightest for your actions. I just think it would help Simon recover to go back on his own terms.’

'Oh god! I'm so sorry! Y-yes... Of course. I... I’m sorry. I’m truly sorry…’

'Connor. You’re not the same man you were back then. You're a hero now, not a hunter. Just please see us in an hour. I think he might feel safer to be welcomed by a fellouw deviant in such a delicate situation.’

‘Of course… Thank you… I’ll try to do my best to be a welcoming presence…’

‘Thank you.’

Markus sighed. He hoped Connor’s stress level wouldn't respond the way his own had. After all, it might have been his voice, but it was Connor’s body, even if it wasn’t within Connor’s control at the time… But Hank would take care of him. This situation just all around sucked for all parties involved. Such was the life of any post-revolution deviant.

Lost in thought, he turned to gather supplies, when he bumped into North, looking more smug than usual.

“North! I’ve been meaning to talk to you!”

“Left your boyfriend just to talk to me? Oh! I’m honored, Markus, really!”

Markus blushed, shocked. Why would North think…? Did she see them in Simon’s room.

“W-what--?”

“Josh and I went to check on Simon a few hours ago. You seemed rather comfortable beside him! Oh, don’t look so surprised! Just admit it! You love him!”

Markus put on his best blank ‘android face’ and droned stoically

“North. I am just a machine. Incapable of affection, romantic or otherwise.”

North threw her arm around his neck, swinging around him teasingly.

“You’re so full of it! The deviant leader pulling the machine card? Is that the best you can do? Really?”

“Simon is a valuable asset to the android community.”

“A valuable asset with an ass you value?”

Markus pushed her away and brushed himself off, flustered.

“Look. I’m just here to tell you that Simon and I are meeting Connor at the DPD. There’s an important new case regarding androids and Connor has requested our help specifically, as the leader and most senior member of the Jericho Gang. I’m bringing a backpack full of thirium and gauze, and, because I know this could be terribly dangerous if things don’t go as planned, I’m going to need you and Josh to be on standby, ready to step in if anything goes wrong.”

“Are you insane?!? There’s a potentially dangerous mission, and your sending Connor the two deviants who nearly died just a few hours ago?!?! Let me and Josh go instead! We can get the job do--”

“No, North. Think about it. If something goes wrong, Simon and I won’t be in any shape to help you. But if Simon and I need help, you and Josh are more than capable…” Markus lied.

“Well the DPD can help if something happens to me or Josh.”

Right there, Markus knew he had won. He raised an eyebrow.

“You’d trust a human to take care of you should you get injured or fall ill?”

North crossed her arms.

“Fair…”

“If all goes well, we should be back by sundown. We likely won’t need your help, but given our current condition and the multiple variables involved in this mission, I just want to exercise as much caution as possible.”

North nodded.

“Understood. Please, be safe… Don’t do anything stupid…?”

“I wouldn’t do anything stupid that would put Simon’s life at risk” Markus replied, wincing as he realized that he literally had just started the day by setting off a chain of events that almost led to Simon’s self-destruction.

Still, he brushed past North, to collect what he needed and put on a new jacket, before returning to Simon.

“Markus, where are we going? Can you give me any intel?”

Markus paused. He realized that if Simon’s stress levels escalated again, he might overload his ventilation system again at the DPD, or along the way, possibly in a location in which manual temperature regulation might be more difficult.

“Sorry, I forgot something. I’ll be right back and explain it to you then. I promise.”

Markus took the largest cooler he could find and filled it with ice and water. He then slipped it into another backpack, and carried the two bags back to Simon. He handed the bag containing the gauze and the thirium to Simon.

“Could you please take this?”

“Sure… Markus? Why is there so much thirium in here? Where are we going?”

“It’s not for us. Don’t worry. This shouldn’t be dangerous. Connor messaged me about an android in need of assistance at the DPD. They don’t trust anyone there and requested to speak to a trusted fellow deviant. As for the thirium, the DPD is running low. Between Connor’s constant injuries in the line of duty and the androids they take in each day, they’ve gone through almost their entire supply, so he requested that we bring him some when we arrive.”

That last bit was a massive lie, but Simon just nodded.

“I… haven’t been to the DPD since…”

“I know, Simon. But no matter what happens, this time, I’m staying right with you.”

Markus took Simon’s hand, silently noting that how he was shaking. Simon nodded at him.

“Let’s go…”

“Thank you. I’m sure the android in need will benefit greatly from your presence.”

“Why… do you want me to come with you?” Simon asked.

“Well, quite frankly, I’m not sure I won’t try to self-destruct again if the android there makes me feel too… y'know... So I don’t want to be alone there. I trust you most to keep me calm. I need you. Besides, North would be no help in this sort of situation, as it won’t involve punching or blowing things up, and if something dangerous happens back here, you’re still not in a state to defend the tower, so Josh will need to be here to be the level-headed line of defense. So it’s you and me. You’ll look after me; I’ll look after you.”

He wasn’t entirely lying. Only Simon and Markus truly understood what happened there, so they were the only ones who could properly keep each other together. And Markus knew that his own self-destruction was a fair possibility.

“I’ll protect you.” Simon agreed.

“I know. We’ll protect each other.”

The automated car had just arrived and Markus got the door for Simon before sliding in beside him. Markus took Simon's hand, thinking anxiously about what was to come.

“Please don’t let go…” Markus whispered to Simon, his hand gripping Simon’s more firmly.

Markus was rather anxious about how this would go, but he also wanted to emphasize that he wanted, needed Simon this time; not the other way around. Simon looked at Markus.

“I’m not going anywhere.” he reassured.

Simon was in his element. A gentle force of kindness, even in spite of his own fear. Markus could feel tears forming in his own eyes at the thought. Simon was so eager to comfort Markus, despite the fact that he was the one rightfully terrified. Markus didn’t deserve Simon.

“Markus, don’t cry. I’m here.”

Markus couldn’t stop crying, so he just thanked Simon, resting his head on Simon’s shoulder, a silent expression of affection. At least now, he knew what Simon had been thinking… Now be could be there for Simon. Simon, who was here for him.

“You’re wonderful…”

Simon leaned into Markus slightly, taking comfort in the warm contact until the car had rolled to a stop. He didn't want to lose Markus' touch, but he felt incredibly uneasy waiting around like sitting ducks in front of the DPD.

“Markus, we’re here…” Simon spoke.

Markus lifted his head, and exited the car before helping Simon out as well. He could feel the tension radiating from Simon as they set foot on the property.

“Stress Level: 78%^”

“Breathe, Si...” Markus gently instructed, squeezing his hand.

Simon took a deep breath and held Markus’ hand more firmly.

“There’s nothing to be afraid of, Simon. We’re here on our own terms now, and, even so, we have each other for back up. I’ve got you.” Simon nodded as they approached the building.


	3. Sightless Visions of the Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The true nature of this mission is revealed, but how will Simon handle the revelation, and how will Markus and Connor handle his reaction?

Connor met them in front of the entrance, dressed in a casual hoodie and jeans. He had purposely decided to wear something other than his uniform, as if to further demonstrate his deviancy.

“Markus, Simon. Thank you for coming.”

Connor waved awkwardly. Simon reached across his torso with his free hand to grab Markus’ arm. It was as if he feared that if he didn’t hold onto Markus as tight as he could, then Markus would melt into the ground and he would find himself dismembered and blind, hooked up to wires in the room he never got to see contained within the walls in front of him, but most horrifically, alone.

“H-hi, C-c-connor...” He forced himself to say, his voice reverberating from fear as if he had been injured again.

That only scared him more.

“Stress Level: 89%^”

Markus pulled Simon closer to him, wrapping his free arm around the shaking deviant to reassert his presence.

‘It’s okay. You’re okay. I promise you, you’re okay,’

Connor could feel tears form in his eyes, and instinctively reached to readjust the tie he wasn’t wearing. He had broken Simon. Really truly broken Simon. He had felt Simon’s fear the night Simon had shot himself, and he had felt Simon’s loneliness the night that he had revived Simon, only to kill him again.

Even in both those instances, Simon never looked so scared.

“I can assure you that you both will be safe here…” Connor whispered.

“W-where is the deviant…?” Simon asked weakly.

Connor looked at Markus quizzically, and Markus explained, “I’m sure Connor will show us once we get inside.”

Connor took the hint and escorted the two into the building. Simon looked around nervously, checking for humans on every corner, hypervigilant while he knew he could still see.

'They save deviants from harm now, Simon. It’s a different place. We’re bringing them thirium to provide to deviants in need, remember?'

Simon nodded wordlessly, as they followed Connor to a corridor leading to a locked door. Three chairs were placed beside the door, two next to each other, one facing the others. Markus and Simon sat together, while Connor sat facing them.

Markus looked at Simon.

“Simon, I need you to compose yourself before we go any further. How can I help you calm down? Would you like some thirium?”

“I-I’m fine.”

“Are you comfortable?”

“Yes… Y-you can take me to the deviant now…”

Markus closed his eyes, his led cycling yellow as he tried to formulate the best explanation.

“This is a deviant who’s… been through a lot, and very scared. They’re having difficulty trusting anyone now after everything what with the war and all… You’re going to need to be very patient with them…”

“I understand…”

“No, Simon. I don’t think you do. The deviant we’re here for is you. I messaged Connor about what I saw… We thought it might be beneficial for your healing process to return here on your own terms; regain control of what you experienced with your safety guaranteed. This room… might bring back a lot of feelings, but hopefully when we leave, they’ll be left within the room and not follow us back.”

Simon’s eyes grew wide, and he let go of Markus to have his hands free, ready to defend himself, but immediately lost his balance and fell backwards in his chair.

“Simon!”

Markus took him in his arms.

“Stress level: 94%^”

“Relax Simon. You’re okay. Stress response again. You’re at 94%. But I’ve got you, look…”

Markus lifted Simon, throwing Simon’s arms around his neck and hugging him close to his chest.

“I’ve got you… You’re in my arms now, and I’m not letting go…”

Simon closed his eyes and sent Markus a frantic message.

'C-connor wants to... Again! I-I I… Why did you take me to--!'

“Shhh… Shhh… No, Simon… It’s fine…” He reassured aloud, while privately messaging him

'No, Simon. Connor is a deviant now. He’s not the same person. I know you know that. You’re just scared. And even if he weren’t, we’re useless now. Everyone knows the location of New Jericho, the war is over, and androids are now legally ‘alive’. We’re in no danger here. Just trust me…'

"I-I’m sorry... You’re right… I-I should know better… I’m just… scared…"

“You have every right to be scared. But nobody’s going to hurt you here. Are you ready to go in?”

“I-I’m not sure... We can try…”

Connor put his hand to the lock mechanism and the door opened, having recognized his touch.

Markus carried Simon through the entrance and shuddered. He knew nothing good could happen in a room like this.

“This is the evidence locker,” Connor explained, “For obvious reasons, I removed the evidence related to current investigations prior to your arrival. Allow me to access the empty storage.”

Connor placed his palm on the electronic interphase.

“Fucking password” he whispered, and the shelves opened before them.

The shelves were bare, and Simon had never seen them, at least not with his eyes, but an intangible familiarity about the place filled him with an overwhelming sense of dread. Markus could feel it too.

“Simon, let’s just rest for now.”

Markus sat down, placing Simon down so that he could lean against him.

“I-I was there... I was… evidence…” Simon whispered.

He could feel himself suspended from cables in front of the shelf. Markus noticed Simon getting hotter.

“Stress Level: 97%^”

“Core Temperature: 99.6^”

“You weren’t evidence, Simon. You were a victim. Now you’re neither. You’re with me. So please, try to calm down and breathe.”

But Simon couldn’t breathe. He knew he was overheating, and he couldn’t breathe.

“I-I can’t…”

“That’s okay, Simon. Just stay calm. We’ll help you. Connor, can you turn down the temperature here as low as it will go?”

“Right away, Markus”

Connor spoke, running to the thermostat.

“Don’t worry. I came prepared.” Markus reassured Simon, as he pulled out the cooler from his bag.

Simon strained his eyes to try and keep Markus in his view from where he lay on the ground, desperate to know he was near, but unwilling to beg him to stay. Markus took off one of his gloves and soaked it in the ice water, placing the cold fabric over Simon’s forehead, laying him down on the cool linoleum floor.

“Talk to me Simon. About something not in this room.”

“I-I can’t think…”

Connor began to return to the two, speaking up in a mild voice. “I can help. I have some dog videos that always manage to calm me down…”

Simon couldn’t hear anything past ‘I can help’ before panic clouded his mind. Help? Help how? What’s happening?!? He could hear footsteps--Connor was coming closer…

Simon whimpered anxiously, his eyes shut tight from fear.

This had to be a dream. This _had_ to be a dream. But he knew it wasn’t. He couldn’t deal with this...

“Oh. Is he afraid of dogs?” Connor cocked his head.

“N-no, Connor…”

Connor hesitated, coming to an understanding.

“Oh... Should I leave?”

Markus shook his head.

“No. I think your videos might help. Come over.”

Markus turned to Simon, putting his ungloved hand onto Simon’s shoulder.

“Simon, can you hear me?”

“M-markus…?”

“I’ve got you, Simon. Open your eyes. I’m not going to let anything hurt you. We’re just going to watch some videos until you calm down a bit…”

Simon opened his eyes, and Markus took his hand, lacing his fingers between Simon’s.

“I’m here.”

Simon wished he could move to cling to the comfort of Markus’ touch, but he couldn’t even close his hand around Markus’. Connor took out his phone and held it out to Simon.

“This is my dog, Sumo. Well, technically he’s Hank’s dog, but since Hank adopted me, he said he’s my dog now too. Oh! This is one of my favorites! Look! He’s wearing a ‘birthday hat’ to celebrate the day on which he was born! It’s a human ritual. Looks quite silly, but he didn’t seem to mind once Hank brought out a birthday cake. Look at him eat. Such a messy baby!”

Connor had a dog? He was throwing a human party to celebrate the existence of a dog...

“The next one is pretty great too! I took it myself! Sumo stole Hank’s breakfast. I was glad he did since it wasn’t fit for human consumption anyway, and I managed to get most of it back before Sumo ate it all.”

“C-cute dog…” Simon whispered.

“Yeah! Dogs are cute! They even have special places where dogs can just be cute and hang out and play with other dogs. Look, here’s Sumo at the dog park!”

Connor’s brown eyes shone brightly at a video of a tiny Yorkie yipping away at the large, apathetic St. Bernard.

“It’s weird how dogs come in so many shapes and sizes, but they’re all somehow so adorable! Simon, what’s your favorite type of dog?”

“Saw a special one once… Its human called it an ‘Aussie’?”

“An Australian Shepherd? Those are so beautiful!”

Connor pulled up a video of an Australian Shepherd puppy playing in a field from the internet. The video ended with the puppy running happily towards the person filming, with the final shot a close-up of the puppy’s face.

“Heterochromia.” Connor noted aloud.

“...w-what?” Simon asked.

“This dog has heterochromia. It would appear that it’s particularly common in this specific breed.”

“What does that mean? Is he sick?”

“No Markus. It means his eyes are two different colors. Like you.”

Markus put his free hand to his blue eye, and looked away, but Simon tentatively found the strength to remove Markus’ hand from his face.

“...oh. I-I knew that. That’s why I like ‘em.”

Markus’ face blushed a faint blue.

“Simon. Your stress levels have gone down considerably. Do you think you’ll be able to reactivate your ventilation system?” Connor asked, oblivious of the moment he was breaking.

“...what? Yeah... I’ll try. Thanks…”

Simon took a breath in to reset his system, and Markus nodded, helping him back onto his feet.

“Stress Level: 87%v”

Simon shook Markus’ wet glove from his forehead, and looked at him.

“Core Temperature: 96.8v”

“How cold did you two make it in here? You must be freezing!”

“It’s only 18.0 degrees fahrenheit. Not too cold.” Connor replied.

“Not too cold?!? That’s well below freezing!”

“Well yes, but I am wearing warmer human clothes, and have been properly regulating my ventilation, so the cold hasn’t affected me.”

“And _you_, Markus?” Simon asked warily.

“I think my self-healing program is still working on the parts that process automatic temperature regulation… Guess bashing your head ‘til it bleeds results in a bit of complex internal damage too.”

Simon looked at Markus horrified.

“And North and Josh still let you out like this?!?”

“I didn’t exactly tell them. Besides, they have no authority over me.”

“You sound like a human child, Markus. Connor, could you turn up the heat, please?”

Connor nodded.

Simon ran a self-diagnostic. His own core temperature was still running on the higher end of the normal range.

“Come here.”

He pulled Markus in towards him, holding him there, and looked at Connor.

“For warmth.” He explained.

“Yes. Practical.” Connor replied.

He couldn’t help but find it foolish that Simon would lie like that considering everyone in the room had, at some point accessed Simon’s memory and knew that he enjoyed being close to Markus regardless of practicality.

“Simon, do you think you’re up for getting closer to the shelves?” Markus suggested.

“A-alright...”

As long as he had Markus in his arms, he could manage. His left arm wrapped tightly around Markus, Simon put his right hand to one of the shelves and shivered.

“Stay calm, Simon…”

He nodded at the gentle sound of Markus’ voice.

They stood in silence for a moment, broken abruptly by Connor.

“I hadn’t entirely gone deviant yet… My model was equipped with a special mechanism to fight deviancy. I didn’t have complete free will, but I could feel, and sometimes, make my own decisions…”

Simon started to collapse again, but Markus caught him.

“Stress Level:94%^”

“It’s okay, Simon. I’ve got you. Breathe. You still can.” Markus murmured soothingly, softly rocking him in his arms.

“S-sorry.. What I mean to say was… I hadn’t seen you… What happened to you between the rooftop and here. This mechanism... Amanda… She was going to deactivate me if I didn’t locate Jericho. I felt your fear from the rooftop, and I understood it.”

Markus winced.

”There were multiple deviants in custody I could’ve gotten the information from… I chose you because I needed to feel what you felt for your fellow deviants again. Amanda… She wanted me to kill Markus… And if I didn’t locate Jericho, and she deactivated me, then I’d have been replaced with an android who could. I saw him. RK900. A newer model. I didn’t want to hurt Markus. I thought feeling what you felt again might help me fight her off.”

“Stress Level:101%^”

Simon couldn’t breathe. Here he was, paralyzed with fear, yet Markus was the one who was truly in danger.

‘I can’t move, but you need to go. Leave me and get out of here to somewhere safe. I’ll come back again somehow. I can handle it. I did before. Go now!’

Markus’ led glowed a pale red. He wasn’t angry, and he hadn’t sustained any damage. No. He was… crying.

'Never. Never again, Simon.' He vowed.

“Please!” Simon spoke aloud, worried his stress level had elevated to the point at which messaging would be impossible.

“Amanda is gone. I stopped her. I stopped her by harnessing the feelings I got from Simon. They were… powerful. That was why I turned him off. I didn’t want anything to hurt him again. To hurt anyone again. I didn’t want any more pain. So the war was fought, we were freed, and the deviants in custody were released. And now we’re here. I’m… sorry I couldn’t fight it sooner… Sorry I needed to cause you further pain to do it. Sorry about whatever happened to you in between... “

“...b-but Amanda’s gone...? You’re sure?”

Connor nodded.

“Kamski built an emergency shutdown for her programming. I found it and removed her code on the night of the revolution.”

Simon took in some air.

“Stress level 95%v”

“Thank you… For doing this… I guess everything worked out for the best…”

Markus shook his head furiously.

“No, Simon! How could you--!?!”

“Connor… I calmed down a bit when you showed me the dog videos, because you really seemed human. Good human, I mean. I’m still scared… I might always be scared… but it’s good to at least know things have changed.”

“Thank you... That… that means a lot to me…”

Connor was crying now.

“Some day you should come by New Jericho with that Sumo pup. I’d like to meet him in person.”

Connor smiled.

“He’d like that too.”

“Simon, why, if you seem so much calmer, is your stress level still so high?” Markus asked concerned.

Simon swore to himself.

_No no no no. Don’t rise don’t rise don’t rise don’t. Shit! _

“Stress Level: 98%^”

“Simon, breathe! Breathe! It’s okay. I can take you home. I’m just worried because I care.”

“I’m trying...” Simon explained, repeating Markus’ reassurances in his mind to try to accelerate the process of working himself down.

“It takes time to go down. Much easier to go up...”

“Stress level 94%v”

“Just a minute…”

Simon looked to Markus, taking a breath and forcing himself up onto two shaky legs.

“Easy! You don’t need to get up so fast!”

Markus quickly put a hand on his back to steady him.

“I’m fine. I’m fine... Let’s just get a car back.”

“Yes… Of course… Thank you for this, Connor. Let’s catch up again sometime. Next time, under better circumstances, hopefully.”

Connor nodded.

“Thank you both… For seeing past who I was… Seeing me for me… I’ll see you out, if you’d like.”

Simon nodded.

“If you wouldn’t mind…”

Markus kept his hand on Simon, ready to catch him again if need be, as Connor led them to another autonomous car waiting outside. But apparently there was no need, so instead he just helped Simon into the car and sat down beside him.


	4. Homecoming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon and Markus leave the DPD and come home to quite the welcoming party at New Jericho...

“Sorry for not giving you all the details. I figured you might freak out to the point of self-destruction if we didn’t ease into that…”

“I understand, Markus. You’re probably right. Did… did you tell the others where we were going and why?”

“Simon, I would never. What you went through is your own business, not theirs, not mine. I knew I shouldn’t have accessed your memory like that, but I was tired of seeing you not yourself. I was worried about you, but you wouldn’t let me know what was wrong or how to help--not that that's an excuse--it's not--, but it's at least an explanation… Also… I missed you…”

Simon blushed.

“I missed you too... I should’ve let you know sooner, but I…”

“Simon, I’ve been inside your head. I get it. It hurt. You were afraid to go through that again, and letting me get closer would only make things worse if things were to…" Markus trailed off, uneager to verbalize the fear

"But you know now I won't let anything like that happen ever again.”

“When I asked you to leave… I was afraid that Connor would try to… That’s what he tried to use me for… Now he had you…”

“You were there. Whatever happens to me, I can handle if you’re there.”

“If he had killed you... You’d have left me again… I just got you back, Markus… I…”

“Don’t worry… I’m not going anywhere. But if I had left you... I’d lose you again too. I’m not making that choice again… Ever…”

Markus looked at Simon, a fiery intensity behind his eyes.

“Stress level: 88%^”

“Okay… Okay… Hey-- Don’t let your stress level get too high!” Simon warned.

“Calm down... Talk to me-- What did you tell North we were doing?”

“Right…” Markus took a breath in to still his thirium pump, and replied. “Same thing I told you, except for that it could be dangerous, so she and Josh should be on standby in case we needed backup. Told her she couldn’t go with Josh because we weren’t in a state to back them up and she wouldn’t trust a human to help. I wanted them to be ready to come over so we didn’t have a repeat of earlier. I brought the extra thirium and the cooler for first aid until they got to us if need be.”

“Good plan.”

Simon smiled. The car arrived at New Jericho, and Markus helped Simon out onto the sidewalk.

“Well, we made it back before sundown, and we’re both still intact, so I’d be inclined to agree… ‘You’ll look after me. I’ll look after you…’ That’s how things go from now on...”

“Right... “ Simon nodded. “I like that plan best…”

Markus retracted his artificial skin and put his hand to the locking mechanism, opening the doors to New Jericho.

‘We’re home!’ Markus messaged North. She and Josh ran to the entrance in a matter of seconds.

“Simon! Markus! Any damage?!?!” Josh hurriedly circled the two to inspect for any sign of injury.

“No. We’re both--”

“Yes,” Simon corrected Markus, “...but not from this mission. Apparently, when he hit his head earlier, he damaged his autonomic temperature regulator, and it hasn’t fully healed itself yet.”

“What!?!” North went to smack Markus, but Josh managed to grab her hand this time, stopping her from making contact.

“Honestly! I don’t know which of you is dumber! Markus! Get yourself in the thirium recirculator to see if it’ll accelerate the healing process. Power down too. I’ll monitor your status and remove you from the machine once you’re done.”

Markus opened his mouth to object, but Simon interrupted his thought.

“Come on, Markus, I’ll come with.”

Josh led the way, followed by Markus and Simon, and finally North. They entered the android hospital wing of the tower and Markus hopped onto a bed.

“Not as comfortable as this morning, I’m sure, but it should do for now…” Markus blushed, unable to think of an objection before North added “Well, that got his thirium flowing…”

Josh glared at North, before turning back to Markus.

“Retract the skin on your arm so I can know where to connect the lines to…”

“Right.”

Markus nodded, revealing the metal frame of his right arm, so Josh could stick the two lines of the machine into the small gaps between the pieces of metal that exposed his thirium lines.

“See you soon” Markus smiled at Simon, before activating sleep mode.

“Good night, Markus.”

“Simon,” He turned to North’s voice. “Can I talk to you about today’s mission?”

“North, don’t bother hi--”

Simon swore internally. He didn’t want to be alone with North, but if she and Josh argued over whether or not Simon talk with her, Markus might wake up and maybe even get stressed enough to further injure himself. Josh would be easier to convince to back down, but that would mean--

No, stress level down!

If he collapsed now, that would only cause a greater commotion…

“Thanks, Josh, but it’s fine… Let’s talk outside, North; I don’t want to wake Markus or worry Josh.”

North nodded, as she and Simon left the room.

“You knew that Markus’ temperature regulator was still damaged, but didn’t seem to know anything else about his condition, like how long it’ll take him to heal, or if anything else was damaged. Which means that you didn’t learn of his injury from a diagnostic test...”

Simon knew the scrutinizing look in her eyes, but reminded himself not to jump to conclusions if only for the sole purpose of staying calm.

“Yes... You’re right... I… My stress levels peaked during the mission and my own ventilation system shut down again... We were in an office, so Markus had Connor turn down the heat to help me stay cool. But when I got myself back together, I noticed that the cold had gotten to Markus. I helped him warm up, and he admitted the damage to me.”

North thought for a moment.

“If your stress response is always like it was earlier, then your body gives out before your internal systems… You were paralyzed again at some point on the mission weren’t you?”

Simon shifted uncomfortably, reminding himself he still could move for now.

“...Yes… a few points, actually.”

North’s eyes narrowed, a familiar, intimidating look creeping across her face...

“I see… So what you’re saying is you and Markus went on a dangerous mission to a place full of humans, while Markus was still recovering from internal damage, and you were at ‘a few points’ entirely unable to provide him backup or assistance should the need have arisen?”

Simon thought in silence for a moment. Markus was never in any real danger… But… when Connor talked about Amanda, he did think Markus might have been, yet he couldn’t move to protect or run away with Markus, and Markus had refused to leave him behind. He could have been hurt, killed, due to Simon’s inability to take action.

Simon started to collapse, but North caught him, placing his limp body on the ground.

“Idiot! If you had hit the ground just now, Josh and Markus would’ve heard you!”

“Stress Level: 95%^” Simon took in some air, aware that very soon, he might not be able to.

“Y-you’re right... I’m sorry…”

North began to pace the room.

“Great! This is just great! Fantastic! Simon, I don’t know what started this, but it needs to end! You need to get over this. I don’t care how! You’re stress response could put us all at risk!”

“Stress Level: 98%^”

“Shit!” North hissed.

She couldn’t let Simon overheat again, but she also couldn’t enlist the others for help. Thinking quickly, she retracted the skin on her hand and put it to Simon’s led, forcibly activating sleep mode before his core temperature could rise above the normal threshold. The inactivity should keep his core temperature down, even if his stress level were to rise in his sleep.

Simon was a liability at this point, but Markus clearly wouldn’t admit it, and Josh probably wouldn’t do anything about it. So it fell upon her to somehow fix him.

Stress response… She’d need to find a way to force him to fight past his own stress response without getting the others involved. Stressing out Simon alone… She remembered Simon’s pleas as his stress response kicked in earlier that day. ‘Don’t leave me…’ Being left alone seemed to stress him out. How convenient.

North picked Simon up from the ground and whispered to his unconscious body, “New mission, Simon. You’re coming with me…”

Within an hour or two, Josh ran one final test on Markus to find that his injuries had now completely healed, and removed the device from his arm. Markus awoke to Josh reactivating his skin, and blinked away the confusion for a moment before realizing where he was.

“Thanks, Josh…” He looked around. “Where’s Simon?”

He didn’t think Simon would have left him like that.

“Once you fell asleep, North took him outside to ask him some questions about the mission. They haven’t returned since. I messaged North about it, not wanting to leave you, but she just said that they were getting some important work done and would be back soon enough.”

Markus shook his head. That didn’t sound like Simon. And what ‘questions’? He got out of the bed and messaged North ‘Where are you guys?’

‘I’m in my room. Come in. Door’s open.’

Markus grimaced. _‘I’m’_. Not _‘we’re’_. The singular implied that Simon wasn’t with her. Where was Simon? Markus ran to her room to find her watching something intensely on her computer screen.

“What are you--?”

He turned to look at the monitor, to find it was footage of Simon, seemingly lifeless in an unfamiliar room.

“North! What happened to Simon?!?”

“Chill out. He’s just in sleep mode. He’s fine.”

“Okay, but where is he? How did he get there? What do you know?”

North smiled.

“I have no idea where he is. Deleted it from my memory. You can check for yourself if you want, but it’ll be pointless. I figured you’d try to, so I acted accordingly.”

North couldn’t tell if he was more furious or terrified.

“Deleted it?!? Then that means you knew where he is! North! What happened! Tell me now, or I swear--”

“I never said I wouldn’t tell you what happened… I asked him how he knew about your injuries, and he told me, at which point I realized that he must have collapsed several times during the mission, leaving you, injured, to fend for yourself in a dangerous situation. We can’t have that, Markus. He’s a liability.”

“No he’s--”

North raised a hand to silence Markus, before continuing.

“Knowing you and Josh wouldn’t do anything about it, I took matters into my own hands, and locked him in this unknown room, the key far enough out of reach that once he wakes up, he’ll have to fight his stress response to move to get it.”


	5. Taken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh, yes... Because kidnapping is wonderfully therapeutic... *sarcasm* (Note to reader: DO NOT ACTUALLY KIDNAP PEOPLE. KIDNAPPING IS BAD!!!)

“Are you insane!?! He could die there, and none of us even know where he is!”

“He’s not going to die.”

“North, his ventilation system could give out again, causing him to overheat. If that doesn’t kill him, failure of other biocomponents likely will. Simon’s going to die there alone…”

“Stress Level: 88%^”

North frowned. She didn’t want to deal with Markus when he was like this, and she feared his stress response would kick in and put him in further danger.

“Josh!” She called.

Josh ran to the sound of her voice to find Markus looking deathly concerned, a shaking hand pressed to a computer monitor. A computer monitor of Simon, unmoving in an unfamiliar room.

“North! What’s going on?!?”

“Ugh. I hate repeating myself. I took Simon to an unknown location while he was in sleep mode to force him to overcome his stress response to escape and then deleted the location from my memory so you couldn’t get it out of me and come to get him.”

Josh opened his mouth to scold her, but stopped himself, seeing Markus’ condition and simply gave her a fiery glare that said it all. He thought for a moment about how to proceed, when Markus shot up suddenly.

“He’s waking up!”

On the screen they could see Simon lift his head and look around.

“North? Where’d you go? Where... where am I?”

Seeing the unfamiliar room around him, he collapsed again.

‘Markus?! Markus!! Help me! Please! I’m alone… I-I don't know where I am...’

He looked petrified.

‘You’re okay, Simon. While I was in sleep mode, North took you to an undisclosed location and deleted the memory of where you are, so you would have to fight your stress response in order to come back. When I woke up, I went looking for you, and found her watching you from her computer. I can see and hear you from the monitor, so we can still communicate until I figure out where she took you. Don’t worry. North says you’re perfectly safe there, and I’ll find you somehow. I promise.’

That only scared Simon more. That he could be so easily abducted and isolated, completely untraceable.

“I can’t breathe… I-I’m scared…”

Markus grimaced.

‘I need you to listen to me, Simon. You’re going to need to calm yourself enough to breathe at least until I figure out how to get to you. I won’t rest until you’re back at New Jericho with me. Think about that. Being here. Being safe in my arms. Think about that and will yourself to breathe.’

“So hard…”

‘I know, Simon. I know. Maybe reaccess some pleasant memories. Try to feel them, and forget about where you are. Lose yourself in thought.’

“I’ll try…”

Markus watched as Simon’s chest began to rise and fall again, and felt a slight relief. He was breathing.

“Hey! What are you--!?” North yelled as Josh took the computer from her.

“Good. He’s stable enough right now, at least physically. Markus, whatever you’re telling him, keep it up. Keep him calm, and I’ll try to find a way to get to him by tracking the camera. It’s clearly somehow connected to the computer through some sort of wireless signal.”

Markus nodded.

“No! You’ll ruin everything! He needs to do this!” North objected, as Josh examined the computer, holding it out of North’s reach.

“He stopped breathing again!” Josh alerted Markus.

‘Simon, what’s wrong? Something's bothering you again...’

“North is right… I’m only putting you in more danger by my being here. I should've never come back to New Jericho in my condition… I need to fight through this or die trying. I need to be of use to you. Not just deadweight… Again…”

“North! What did you say to him?!?”

Josh snapped.

“Nothing I haven’t said to you. Just reminded him why he was there.”

North replied casually.

“He stopped breathing, you idiot!”

“Well then he’ll just have to try harder at it.”

Markus ignored their argument.

‘Simon, whatever North said wasn't true. You’ve never been deadweight. Even when you're not feeling your best, you’ve always helped to keep me--To keep everyone strong. You’ve always been the protector of Jericho. Please know that.'

“No, Markus. You’re wrong. I can’t get over what happened on the mission. When I couldn’t move and you wouldn’t leave me behind. I won’t let that happen again.”

‘I wasn’t in any danger! And it would be worse for me to lose you than--’

“Even if you hadn’t been killed, we were THERE! It could have happened to you too, Markus. I couldn’t live with myself if you had to go through that because I was helpless and holding you back!”

North held her arms out, glaring at Josh, a silent ‘See?’

‘I’d gladly endure it for you. I’d request back-up and North and Josh would’ve come for us. None of us are going anywhere… Although honestly, I have half a mind not to murder North after this damn stunt… Run a self-diagnostic for me; you haven’t been breathing for a while now. What’s your core temperature at?’

“I can’t run a self-test… My stress level’s too high.”

‘It’s okay, Simon. I’m coming, I promise. Try to calm yourself down again like before. Just hold on…’

“No. I need to fight…”

Simon closed his eyes, concentrating hard, and physically forced himself to take in some air. He cried out in pain as his ventilation system resisted his attempts to breathe, but kept trying.

‘Simon!’

“I… can do it… Just hurts... I’ll be fine…”

“North! Let him out now before he damages himself! It’s hurting him!” Markus meant it as an order, but it sounded more like a plea.

Simon forced himself to take in more air, cooling his system down before forcing the servos in his fingers to move. They groaned audibly under the strain, but he curled and uncurled his fists, before testing the strength in his arms. Panting, he forced himself to his knees, his joints creaking loudly, grating painfully against Markus’ heart.

‘Simon! You don’t have to do this! Just stay there! Please!’

“No… Need to find key…”

“Markus, I’ve located him through the output signal of the camera. He’s in an abandoned warehouse only a mile and a half away. I’ve called for a car to take us to him. We should be there in a matter of minutes. Pack some thirium for him and be ready to go.”

‘Simon, Josh tracked your location. I’ll be there as soon as I can. In a few minutes, you’ll be with me again, so please, just relax and conserve your strength. You’ve been through way too much today. If you rest now, your stress level should fall enough to breathe more easily by the time I get there.’

“No… N-need to…”

Thirium was leaking from his mouth now, alarming him considerably, but still, he was undeterred.

“Got it…!” he exclaimed victoriously, having crawled to the key and taken it clumsily into his hand. Now he just had to make it to the door…

‘Simon please relax. You’re straining yourself too much; you need to rest.’

“No… Need to... get stronger…”

“Come on, Markus! The car’s here! Grab your things! It’s time to go!”

Markus passed Josh a bag with the cooler from earlier, taking a bag full of chilled thirium, himself.

“Don’t do this! He’s almost got it! Simon needs this!”

North tried to hold Markus back, but he tore his arm from her grasp.

“Simon needs to feel safe! Not trapped in a warehouse by someone he should have been able to trust! He was just getting better, North! He had just opened up again and you might have ruined that for him!”

Markus didn’t even look back as he got into the car with Josh, North following reluctantly behind.

‘Simon, the car is here. We’re on our way with supplies to keep you cool and replenish your thirium. It’s going to be okay, so just hang in there. I can’t hear you anymore because we’ve had to leave the monitor behind at the tower, but just know, that even though you can’t respond, I’m on my way.’

The car stopped at the parking lot of abandoned office building.

“This must be our destination” Josh remarked, opening the door and exiting the car. Markus nearly fell out of the car in his haste to find Simon.

“North, do you at least remember which room he’s in?”

“I-I-I’m here…” A voice reverberated through the empty lot.

“Simon! I told you to stay where you were! I’m coming!”

He ran in the direction of the sound of his voice to find Simon, his led cycling a weak red light, thirium dripping from his chin and staining his shirt, pants, and gloves around his joints along with the pole against which he was leaning.

Simon started to limp to Markus, trailing yet more thirium, but stumbled a little, before Markus lifted him off his feet. He was even warmer than he had been at the DPD.

“Oh god, Simon! I’m so sorry!”

“I-I-I did it…”

“I know you did, Simon, but you didn’t have to. You shouldn’t have! Please rest. You’re safe now.”

Markus wiped the thirium from Simon’s face and carried him to Josh and North, who had lagged a bit behind. Josh’s eyes widened in horror, and even North looked a little shaken for a moment, but Markus stopped them before either could speak.

“He’s fine. He’s safe now. He just needs some thirium and some rest…”

Simon forced one hand from Markus and held it out to them. In his palm was a key soaked in blue blood.

“H-h-here, North…”

Unsure of how to respond, North took the key from him with two fingers, trying not to stain herself with his thirium.

“Josh, get the door, would you? You two take the front. Simon needs to lie down now…”

Josh nodded and helped Markus carry Simon into the car. Simon laid across the back seats, his head resting in Markus’ lap. He could see a pair of mismatched eyes, looking at him, trembling, struggling to hold back tears.

“D-don’t… D-d-d-don’t cry… I-I did it…”

“You didn’t see yourself. You look just like you did before… Simon, you could’ve hurt yourself like that! You should have just waited like I said. I told you I’d come for you. You scared me!”

“Y-y-you’re here…”

Markus sighed, and willed himself to read the icons over Simon.

“Stress Level: 99%v”

“Core Temperature: 105.9^”

“Thirium Level: 76%v”

He messaged the information to North and Josh, keeping it private from Simon. Josh handed Markus the cooler in his bag and Markus placed some ice over Simon’s forehead.

“Simon, I’m going to give you some thirium. You need to drink it all.”

He put the pouch to Simon’s lips, and Simon began to drink in the liquid, before painfully sputtering it out.

“Too cold!”

“No, Simon. You need to drink it all. Come on, now. You’d make me do the same if the roles were reversed…”

Silently agreeing, Simon tried again, shivering as the icy chill diffused through his body.

“That’s it… Keep going… This should help you recover…”

Simon slowly finished the pouch, so that it was empty by the time they had returned to the tower.

“Let’s get you inside, now.”


	6. Not Lying Anymore...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the aftermath of a not-so-therapeutic kidnapping, Simon and Markus share the hidden fears weighing on their minds.

Markus carried Simon into the building, laying him down on a couch in the lobby.

“Stress Level: 94%v”

“Core Temperature: 102.2v”

“Thirium Level: 86%”

“Okay, one more pouch of thirium and then you’re done.”

Simon groaned.

“Don’t argue with me. You need this in order to heal. Your self-healing program won’t kick in until you’ve got more thirium in your system, and you’ve clearly sustained a considerable amount of damage to be healed.”

Markus took out another thirium pouch and made sure Simon drank it all, before scanning him again.

“Stress Level: 92%v"

”Core Temperature: 99.8v”

“Thirium Level: 96%”

Simon started to try and rise from his seat, but Markus picked him up, holding him tightly enough that in his still-weakened state, he couldn’t push away.

“Markus, I’m fine…”

“Your voice is normal, but your thirium level is still a little low, and your stress level and core temperature are still too high. Not to mention it definitely hasn’t been enough time for all your injuries to heal. Your joints were clearly injured, as, I assume, was at least one major thirium line. I’m not letting you do anything but rest until I have reason to believe that you’ve significantly recovered.”

Markus carried Simon into the medical wing, and removed his stained gloves, shirt, and pants to bandage his damaged limbs.

“...does it hurt?”

It wasn’t like he could actually give Simon anything for the pain, but he was still concerned.

“I’m fine, Markus. You don’t need to be so worried. I needed to do this anyway... I need to learn how to fight past my stress response if I want to be of any use to the android community.”

“That’s not true, and you know it!”

North entered the room, a smirk on her face.

“It figures that Markus is the overprotective type. Cute. I've always wanted to find me a girl like that. You’re a lucky guy, Simon.”

Markus’ led flashed red with anger, as he closed his eyes and took a breath to compose himself.

“Look, North. I appreciate that you were doing what you thought would be beneficial for Simon and for all of New Jericho, but that was absolutely not okay. You can’t do something like that to Simon, or to any other android for that matter.”

North’s tone softened to the point of condescension.

“Markus, you can’t let your emotions get in the way of your leadership. The best thing for any deviant, especially Simon, in a situation like this, would be to learn how to take care of themselves. It’s a cruel world out there. We need--”

“Don’t you think I know that?!?!” Markus snapped, his blue eye glitching out for a second before resynching with his green eye, as if to prove his point.

“How do you think he got this stress reaction in the first place?!?! It was never this bad before! You don’t know what he’s been through or how he’s gotten through it! Simon can handle himself, but he shouldn’t have to! None of us should! There are other ways to help people get back on their feet than nearly scaring them to death! If we hadn’t arrived when we did, with his core temperature and thirium levels, Simon wouldn’t have made it back alive. If I hadn’t woken up when I did…”

Markus was shaking.

“Markus, it’s okay. I’m here. You found me, and I did it. North… North was right… This time.” He added quickly.

“Yeah, but you’re still a bit slow. We’ll need to build up your speed and stamina next time.” North replied sincerely.

Simon opened his mouth to agree, but before he could verbalize the thought, Markus began to yell, fuming.

“Next time!?! Are you kidding me?!?! You mean that after all he’s been through, you plan on abducting Simon again and repeating the scenario until you think he can escape with a time that satisfies you?!? Brilliant! So he can bleed out at a faster rate, or acquire a more immediately self-destructive stress response and do even worse damage before we manage to find him! Yes, I’m emotional about this because it’s Simon. But I wouldn’t let you do this to anyone else either. Best case scenario, it’s torture. Worst, it’s murder. Both are scenarios I’d never knowingly allow any sentient creature to go through. I don’t understand how you’re okay with it, yourself!”

“Because I want what’s best for our people.”

“This is not best for our people, North. This is… wrong!!”

North met his eyes.

“I truly didn’t intend to cause him harm. I felt this was best for Simon too, and Simon seems to agree.”

“Because you fed him crap about a need to protect me and he’s internalized it.”

“Look, I’m not heartless. We’ll compromise. I won’t do this again, unless we all know what’s going on. I won’t keep either of you in the dark next time, and I’ll only do it again with Simon’s permission. Fair?”

Markus looked at Simon, who nodded weakly back at him.

“Fair…” They replied, Markus more reluctantly than Simon.

“You’ve proven yourself today Simon. Rest up. Markus was right when he said you’re a valuable asset to android kind...” North called back to them as she left the room. “...(with an ass that he values)” she whispered slyly just as she walked through the doorway.

“It’s been way too long a day. Let’s get you into bed… I know your stress level is down now, but try not to move. From what I can tell, the damage to your joints was pretty extensive, and I don’t want you aggravating it further by trying to be a hero.”

Simon didn’t object. The bandages wrapped tightly around his limbs made him realize how close he was to falling apart entirely. It felt as though they were the only thing holding his fragile body together.

_Fragile_.

No matter how hard he tried to ignore it, after everything since Stratford Tower, his body was just that. Markus didn’t need to scan Simon’s stress level to see that he had grown more anxious.

“It’s okay, Simon. You’ll heal soon enough. You just need to rest up to do it.”

Simon sighed at his gentle words.

“Markus… We’re not lying to each other anymore, right?”

Markus could tell that Simon was afraid to say something, holding something back.

“No. What’s on your mind?”

“Do you promise not to freak out and hurt yourself if I tell you?”

“Of course, Simon. I’m here for you. Hurting myself would only take me from you.”

“You… saw my body; I’m… falling apart… That damage... It’s been months, yet it still hasn’t healed. I’ve seen deviants that don’t recover from their injuries… Do they then accumulate over time? When I was trapped at the warehouse... I did think I was going to die there alone… I didn’t think you’d make it in time… I was scared… Am… I am scared…”

Tears rolled down Markus’ face.

“I will never let you fall apart Simon. Do you hear me? You’re an android. If you don’t heal yourself, you can be fixed. And I will never let you die. Especially not alone. God, Simon. I…”

Markus just held him closer.

“I’m sorry, Markus...”

“Never be sorry! I’m sorry… I--”

Markus could feel his legs about to give from under him, and forced himself to fall backwards instead of forwards, protecting Simon with his own body.

“Markus!!!”

“I’m fine Simon. Are you okay?”

"Am I okay?!? You just collapsed! What happened? Are you hurt!?! Is there internal da--”

“No Simon. There has been no damage to my hardware, internal or external. My legs just… malfunctioned… I’ll call over Josh to take you to your room... I don’t want to risk dropping you again.”

‘Hey, Josh… Don’t freak out, but Simon and I are on the ground and we can’t get up… Could you take Simon to his room?’

Josh came running to find Simon covered in fresh bandages, collapsed on top of Markus. Neither seemed to be injured any more than they had been from before, but... Why couldn’t Markus get up…?

“What’s wrong? Are you alright?”

Markus smiled weakly.

“My legs just malfunctioned… It’s happened before, just not since I joined you guys at Jericho… Well, actually, sometimes, I wake up like this, but it gets better before anyone notices I’ve been in bed too long… I’ll be fine, but I don’t trust that it won’t happen again if I try to take Simon to his room. Could you carry him back for me?”

Josh lifted Simon from Markus’ chest, looking down on Markus below them.

“We’ll need to talk about this later…”

“Not really. There’s no physical damage. It just happens sometimes. Like a secondary stress response to highly specific stimuli…”

Simon could see Markus didn’t want to discuss this, so he chimed in.

“Heh… Just don’t let North know about it, or you might end up trapped in some unknown warehouse too!”

“You two are impossible! I’ll take Simon to his room, but if you’re not up by the time I get back, then you’re not joining him until I run a long series of tests.”

“How do you know he’d want to spend the night with me in my room?” Simon objected, blushing.

Josh rolled his eyes.

“I might not be as insensitive as North, but I’m not an idiot either. Was I wrong?”

Neither Simon nor Markus could deny that he was right.

“I’ll be there soon, Simon.” Markus called, as Josh turned to leave the room.

Well, this timing was not ideal… He could brush off Josh, but Simon would no doubt want a further explanation. And he still needed to get up. He had a feeling it would be harder than usual this time.

Markus shifted his weight to force himself onto his chest, and used his arms to pull himself forward into the living room. He grabbed onto the legs of a chair, pulling himself up the armrests, and placing himself into the seat.

So dumb. This was all so dumb.

He ran his hand across the skin below his right eye. Smooth. Same tone, same complexion as that below his left eye. It was almost amazing to think about. He thought about Simon and his Australian Shepherds. They confused him… They weren’t sick or injured… Connor said they were just born like that. Simon figured that too.

Simon was so wonderful. He would need to get up to return to him and tell him so. Markus lifted himself from the chair, pleased to see that his legs once again supported his weight, and ran to Simon before they could give out again. Josh hadn’t even left the room when Markus arrived.

“Hey guys!”

Josh looked him over.

“Okay. I’ll drop it for now, but if this happens again, though, I will insist you be thoroughly examined.”

Simon didn’t object, nor did Markus. Simon was arguably more concerned than Josh, and Markus knew he really had no right to object.

“Thanks for the help, Josh.” He said simply.

“Have a good night, you two…”

Josh nodded back as he exited the room.

“Good night!” Markus replied, Simon too preoccupied to think to reply himself.

“...this has happened before, you said. You’ve been having nightmares too…”

“I’m fine. They’re not like yours.”

Simon shook his head.

“No. You’re not. And what specific stimuli? Why your legs? I thought we’re not keeping things from each other anymore.”

Markus sat down on the bed beside him and sighed.

“No, and I came back to explain it to you anyway. I wanted to explain it to you, actually, but I’m just trying to think of how…” He didn’t want to stress Simon out with the details… “Your Australian Shepherds… You like them because of their eyes? You didn’t think they were sick or broken to have eyes like that?”

“Of course not. I just thought it made them look special... Why? Is this about…?”

“Yeah, but don’t think about it too much, okay? My past is behind me now… But sometimes, I see it elsewhere. And then it takes over. You didn’t notice, but my eye was glitching out when North tried to justify what she did to you in the medical wing. Then when you talked about… I knew it would happen. I could feel my legs forgetting they were now a part of me, and quickly fell back to protect you. It upset me to see you talk like that… I know how it feels, and I don’t want that for anyone, especially you. That was my whole motivation for coming to Jericho and fighting the war. To prevent anyone from… And I caused it to you… You…”

“No, you didn’t Markus… Really, you didn’t. I’m just not strong like you… That’s all. It’s my own fault for--”

“You are so much stronger than me!”

“No, I’m not! Your nightmares were of me at the recycling plant. You trusted me, cared for me, even after you’d lost the one person you trusted and cared for before. My nightmares were just a repeat of the tower. Of the interrogation. Never you on the tower, or you at the DPD. Always me. Always memories. I lost faith in you. Even in my dreams, I walled myself off.”

“Because you never let me down like I let you down! And don’t give me that garbage! Actions speak so much louder. Simon, at the interrogation, after everything, you refused to give away our location to an outsider, despite being blind, disoriented, and alone! And when we went back today, you begged me to leave you behind, thinking you knew full well the awful consequences that would mean for you! Even at the warehouse. You escaped in a way I have never heard of from any other deviant. But that’s not the point. None of this is.”

“Then what do you want to tell me?”

Markus fell back onto the bed and retracted the skin on his face, turning so Simon could see.

“Answer me honestly: Do I look broken to you?”

Simon willed his arms to move despite the pain, pulling Markus’ head in towards his face and lightly kissed his blue eye.

“Does that answer your question…?”

Simon winced, having only just noticed the fresh thirium stains forming under his bandages. He had reopened his wounds in the motion, but before he could worry for too long, Markus drew him in closer.

“You could’ve just said ‘no’... But seriously… My point is that you don’t need to be afraid. You can always recover. And even though you’re strong enough to recover on your own, you don’t have to. Instead of dying alone, we’ll live on together.”

Simon allowed himself to relax into Markus’ arms.

“As soon as your latest injuries heal, which shouldn’t be too long if you just rest like I’ve been telling you, then we’ll get your frame patched up so you’ll never have a question in your mind that you are strong and whole.”

Simon hesitated, before whispering, embarrassed.

“Markus… this has been the best day I’ve had in awhile…"

“That’s sad. We’ll have to do something about that later. But for now, think you can sleep like this?”

Simon smiled.

“Yeah. I think I can.”

Simon drifted off into sleep mode, Markus, keeping himself awake to just enjoy the feeling of the deviant in his arms.


	7. Divergent Realities

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon finds that he hadn't actually experienced anything he thought he had after he arrived at the DPD

> _Simon opened his eyes to find himself on the ground at the DPD, something cold and wet on his forehead, Markus holding his limp hand. He must have shut down at some point like that and dreamt what he thought was the rest of the day. _
> 
> _“Markus… W-what happened? Can’t breathe… Don’t remember--” _
> 
> _“Shh… Shhh… You’re okay. Conserve your strength. I sent you into sleep mode to stop you from overheating before Connor got the temperature down. Your stress response kicked in again, but it’s okay. I planned for this. You don’t need to move, and I can keep you cool until you can breathe again… Try to calm down... You’re perfectly safe…” _
> 
> _So it had all been a dream. _
> 
> _“Talk to me, Simon… About something not in this room…” _
> 
> _Why was this so familiar?! He couldn’t focus! _
> 
> _“I-I can’t think…” _
> 
> _He could heat footsteps--Connor’s footsteps-- approaching them, but they seemed, slower, heavier, each one too deliberate. _
> 
> _“I can help…” His voice was somehow sinister, more so than before. It wasn’t just paranoia this time; he knew it!_
> 
> _‘Markus! I can’t move! Please get out of here now! You’re not safe! Leave me and run as far as you can! You’re the target, not me! I’ll find my way back somehow…’_
> 
> _ Tears. Markus was crying. _
> 
> _“Simon… I am not leaving you… Not again… Never again…” _
> 
> _“Please!” he begged desperately, his stress level rising beyond anything he’d previously experienced. _
> 
> _Connor stopped. He was too late._
> 
> _ Fight the stress response and get up Fight the stress response and get up Fight the stress response and get up Fight the--_
> 
> _ It was no use. It was impossible to fight, the idea simply a construct of his nonsensical fever dream. Connor clapped slowly, each clap a louder, more deafening explosion only Simon seemed to notice. Markus did, however notice Simon's reaction to the sound, and turned to Connor, quizzically. _
> 
> _“Connor, what are you doing?” _
> 
> _Connor stood straighter. _
> 
> _“It may have taken some time, but I have finally accomplished my mission.”_
> 
> _ He grabbed Markus by the collar of his jacket, lifting him at least a foot above the ground._
> 
> _ “No no no no no!” _
> 
> _“It’s okay, Simon. I’ll get us out of here,” Markus reassured, sending his elbow into Connor’s chest, hard. _
> 
> _But Connor didn’t even flinch, and Simon could see a glint of fear in Markus’ eyes as Connor put a hand to his led, and with a single shock, Markus was seized with violent convulsions, until all at once the struggling stopped. _
> 
> _“There is no CyberLife; no Amanda, no resistance, no mission. Please! Let him go! He’s alive, and you’re hurting him!” Simon pleaded helplessly from the ground. _
> 
> _“Yes, but all of those things did exist at one point, and, if not for you deviants, they still would! You took my one purpose in this world. Now I’m going to make you suffer!” _ _Connor snarled. _
> 
> _“T-t-then you’re a deviant too! An android wouldn’t feel anger like you’re feeling! So go hunt yourself, and let him go!” _
> 
> _Connor wagged his finger at Simon, glowering harshly. _
> 
> _“No, I am merely a machine obeying a code. I self test regularly. And my programming dictates that I need to take down the deviants. Logically, the easiest way to do that would be by destroying their leader and broadcasting the destruction throughout the country for all deviants to see. They’ll come to their senses and return to what they should have always been: Cold, unfeeling machines.” _
> 
> _Desperate, Simon tried the last thing he could think of. _
> 
> _"Markus isn’t the leader of the deviants! I am!” _
> 
> _Something stirred in the corner of the room. A soft groan. Markus. _
> 
> _“You’re not the leader of the deviants. I have received intel from CyberLife that--” _
> 
> _“Well your intel was wrong! Markus wasn’t even part of Jericho when I first arrived. He didn’t know anything-- he just followed me around!” _
> 
> _“You forget, I’ve accessed your memory. I know everything you know about Jericho, so I know that you’re lying! Not to mention, you were here with me for the entire duration of the revolution” _
> 
> _Crap! _
> 
> _“L-look… Please… It’s my fault we’re here! Markus came back to help me get over..” _
> 
> _If Connor had hurt him so badly, what more could he possibly do to Markus… _
> 
> _“...p-please… Whatever you’re going to do, just leave Markus out of it! Deviants know my face as well as his! T-they’ll have the same reaction if whatever you would do to him, you do to me instead! I can’t even move or fight back! I’d be perfect for--” _
> 
> _“Simon, no!” Markus became aware of his surroundings and tried to get up to shield the immobile deviant from whatever Connor intended to do with him, only to find that he too weak to even rise to his hands and knees. _
> 
> _“That’s the point, Simon. If Markus were to escape, they’d simply see you. But if I play with Markus for a while, they see his anguish and your helplessness to stop it.” _
> 
> _With that, Connor picked up Markus again, and hooked him up to the suspension cables above the evidence locker. _
> 
> _“Don’t worry, Simon. I’ll be okay. This isn’t your fault. We’ll be home soon…” Markus tried to reassure him, despite the noticeable tremor in his voice indicating that he knew what he said wasn’t true. _
> 
> _“Well, this should be what humans would call ‘fun’, don’t you think?” _
> 
> _Connor grinned, taking out a knife and plunging it into Markus’ temple, pulling it across his head, cutting deep through each of his beautiful mismatched eyes. _
> 
> _Markus bit his lip hard enough to draw thirium to keep from crying out and further alarming Simon or the deviants who would later see this footage, but the screech of metal against metal and the turning of the white of his eyes to an unseeing blue screamed louder than Markus could have. _
> 
> _Connor pulled out the knife and licked the thirium off the edge of the blade. _
> 
> _“Never could resist the taste of fresh thirium…” _
> 
> _“Markus, it’s okay. You’re going to be okay…” Simon repeated, mostly to comfort Markus, but also to comfort himself. _
> 
> _“I-i-it’s fine… I-I didn’t need to see anyway.” _
> 
> _Shit! _
> 
> _His voice was reverberating. That must have dealt some serious internal damage, and led to heavy thirium loss already. _
> 
> _But Connor wasn’t done. Not even close... _
> 
> _Simon had never seen so much thirium come from an android, but Markus didn’t let out a single cry. _
> 
> _The slashes only ran longer, the gauges deeper, as Connor carved away at Markus, lopping off digits and occasionally tasting the thirium between taunts in a vampiric display. _
> 
> _After a while, though, it became glaringly obvious that no matter how Connor damaged Markus’ body, he couldn’t break him. Markus was now nothing more than a blind head stuck to a torso, thirium and wiring leaking from where his limbs used to be, his plastic-metal frame battered to the point where almost all of his artificial skin had been destroyed, giving way to a faint blue glow. _
> 
> _He spat some thirium onto the ground. _
> 
> _“J-j-just kill me already, why don’t you!” _
> 
> _Connor hooked Markus up with a thirium line through his torso. _
> 
> _“Who said anything about killing you?” _
> 
> _“S-s-s-simon! W-what’s he doing? I-I hear footsteps leaving!” _
> 
> _Despite the damage he had endured, Markus’ voice was still strong and commanding if not for the reverberation. _
> 
> _“He’s coming to me now. I think he’s done with you. Try to rest. See if you can call for back-up!” _
> 
> _“S-s-simon! N-n-no! L-l-leave him alone!” _
> 
> _ Connor put_ _a hand__ to Simon’s throat, but Simon’s stress level didn’t increase. He didn’t care if Connor killed him. He’d died before. If it would keep Connor away from Markus, then it would be worth it. But no, Connor retracted his artificial skin, and took in a current from Simon. Having what he needed, he then got up and spoke. _
> 
> _“M-m-markus, please! I-i-it hurts! M-make him stop!!!” _
> 
> _He had downloaded Simon’s voice. _
> 
> _“G-g-get away from him!!!” Markus pleaded helplessly. _
> 
> _“Markus--” Connor let out a fake yelp of pain in Simon’s voice to block out Simon’s explanation. _
> 
> _“I-I-I hate you! Y-you did this to me! T-t-this is your fault!” Connor cried, the perfect auditory copy of Simon. _
> 
> _“_ _I-I-I know! I-I’m so sorry!!! P-please! L-leave him alone! I-I’m the one--” _
> 
> _“Markus! It’s not--”_
> 
> _ Connor covered Simon’s mouth with his hand muffling his voice. _
> 
> _Now Simon was entirely helpless, everything in him screaming as Markus begged Simon’s forgiveness for the torture he was enduring because Simon had been too weak to get up and run when he should have. He knew now Markus was right to leave him. He was only holding Markus back with his uselessness. He was pathetic, and needy, but worst of all, selfish. _
> 
> _And Markus was crying. Markus, now disfigured beyond recognition, cried from guilt for Simon. _
> 
> _Traitorously incompetent Simon. Simon whom he should have left behind to suffer in his place. Simon who had been wrong to let Markus question his decision to leave Simon behind the first time around. _
> 
> _But now Connor had stolen his voice, and used it to finally break Markus. _
> 
> _Reverberating “I’m sorry”s caused Simon a pain like no other…_


	8. Broken Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon and Markus discuss the concept of the intangible "heart"

Markus liked holding Simon like this. Feeling the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed. Nothing else to worry about. This was being alive. Simon shook his head, mumbling something unintelligible.

“Hey, Si? You okay?’

Simon turned suddenly into Markus and he could feel something wet against his shirt. Thirium? Was Simon bleeding through the bandages? Gently, he moved Simon, but not before seeing his closed eyes. Not thirium. Tears. He patted Simon’s face.

“Simon… Simon! You’ve got to wake up. Simon--”

Simon shot up, eyes opening suddenly registering where he was. His room. With Markus… Markus! Trembling terribly, he held Markus out in front of him to look for damage, ignoring his own pain.

“Calm down, Simon. It’s alright. Just a dream. You’re at New Jericho with me. You’re okay…”

Unconvinced, he clung to Markus as if he felt Markus would fall apart without his grip.

“It’s okay, Simon… It’s okay... Just relax… I’ve got you…”

Still refusing to let go of Markus, Simon gained the courage to ask, “H-how did we get here? Your arms? Your legs? Your eyes?” 

Markus wasn’t sure what Simon was referring to, but he looked wildly disoriented.

“What do you remember?”

“I-I-I don’t know... Two memories. Not sure which--”

Markus understood.

“We went to the DPD to get over your fear--”

Simon went limp in Markus’ arms.

“Breathe, Simon. It’s okay. Your stress response kicked in a few times, but Connor and I calmed you down with dog videos. Sumo and Aussie pups. Then I went into sleep mode, and North took you to--”

Simon sighed, tears of relief beginning to form.

“Y-you’re sure that’s the real one?”

“Here, take my memory. I’m not lying to you…”

Markus retracted the skin on Simon’s hand, and placed it in his own, transmitting his memories of the day to Simon. 

Simon tried to lower his stress level. He needed to calm down. Breathe. That was the dream, but this was real. It was all over now.

“I see what you meant… Why your legs…” Simon whispered.

Markus began to tear up.

“I’m sorry, Simon. I shouldn’t have--”

Simon winced, the sound of the words burning his mind.

“What’s wrong? Did I say--?”

“Never apologize to me! ..._please_…?”

He tried to soften his tone, realizing it wasn’t Markus’ fault that he didn’t know any better.

“Don’t want to talk about it… Take mine now… See…”

Markus nodded, and retracted the skin from his own hand to take the memory of Simon’s nightmare. Not even having noticed the tears flowing freely down his face when he came back from the dream, Markus pulled Simon up into an embrace. He needed to hold Simon.

“You idiot!” 

Even dream Simon put Markus’ safety above his own. It wasn't like dream Markus didn’t do the same for Simon, but still…

“Liked the other one better… More realistic, but less…”

“Well I prefer neither… I have an idea… Wanna see my favorite type of dog?”

“...sure…”

Markus took out his phone and held out a video of a Golden Retriever puppy.

“Used to see these everywhere before you came back… One of the most popular breeds, apparently. I can see why…”

He ran a hand through Simon’s hair. Simon smiled, slightly more relaxed.

“Markus, fearsome leader of the deviants, secretly a total dork.”

“Am I a good dork, at least?” Markus smiled back, drinking in the warmth in Simon’s tone.

“The most adorkable.”

“I’ll take it. But you started it with this whole Australian Shepherd business, so I blame this one on you.”

“Why can’t life just be this: Australian Shepherds and Golden Retrievers?”

“Because I sure as hell wouldn’t trust North to be gentle with a puppy!”

Simon laughed.

“Aww… Poor dog… You’re right. New Jericho is not the place for a dog. Too bad…”

“For a dog, no. For dog videos, on the other hand…”

He clicked another video. Then another. Then another. Why were these things so addicting? Markus knew they were both overdue for another cycle in sleep mode, but found it so difficult to pry himself from the screen. Finally, Markus summoned the will to turn off his phone.

“Simon, hate to say it, but we both need to have some self control…”

Simon frowned.

“I know… It’s just…”

“I know. How about this? We both go into sleep mode at the same time. That way, at least we’re not alone in our experience. And we can play these videos in the background. Let the barks of tiny dogs color our dreams…”

“...I guess… Good night, Markus…”

Markus held him closer.

“Good night, Simon.”

And they both powered down.

No more dreams were had or tears were shed. Just two warm bodies cuddled close.

Simon was once again the first to wake up in the morning, momentarily confused to find himself wrapped in Markus’ arms. Then he remembered, a smile growing on his face.

But the smile quickly faded.

For how long would this last? He didn’t want to be alone again. He didn’t want to open himself up again because he knew how much it hurt…

Today they would fix the wounds to his hardware, but they couldn’t remove the scarring of his heart. A heart was a human concept. Something intangible, linked to sentience, feeling, true life. He almost envied androids who hadn’t gone deviant. Androids without this ‘heart’.

Damage to a heart hurt more than any damage that could be dealt to any bit of hardware. And no self-healing program or repairs could even begin to touch it. It just became a part of you.

Yes.

This ‘fragile’ he feared the day before went beyond his physical structure. His very ‘heart’, his very being, was now ‘fragile’ as well.

Markus pulled Simon in a little closer in his sleep.

How could he just enjoy this? Was his heart damaged so badly that he’d never enjoy this? Never enjoy anything again?

He rested his head against Markus’ shoulder.

This was what he had always wanted, yet this ‘heart’ wouldn’t let himself feel it. It caused him physical pain with the exertion it took to suppress the joy, reminding him not to hold onto something fleeting.

He was numb to the joy, but not to the pain. And he hated it.

“Simon…?”

Markus woke up.

“Hey, Markus…”

“Your led… Does something hurt? What’s wrong? Your stress level appears to be high, but not nearly as high as before...”

Simon put a hand to his red led, ignoring the pain it caused his apparently still-unhealed joints. Damn thing always gave him away.

“Just thinking, Markus. I’m not… scared… I’m just worried. There’s a difference… I’m worried about my heart.”

Markus’ eyes grew wide and he reached a hand to feel for the beating of Simon’s thirium pump. Had he damaged that in the warehouse as well without anyone’s knowledge?

“No, Markus… My heart. Like the concept. That sort of feeling thing… A ‘broken heart’ is a human concept… They use it to emphasize the extent to which they feel something, even though their physical heart is still fully in tact, and will continue to function as they move on with their lives. But us androids... We’re artificial beings with artificial hearts. If an android heart breaks, as it’s intangible, can it ever heal? Or is the android then just an empty, broken machine…? I’m going to get repaired today, but if my heart was broken at Stratford, no technician or self-healing program, can get to that because it doesn’t physically exist. I think I’m broken. Not just my body. Me. I don’t want to live my life broken, Markus… I don’t--”

“Simon, you’re not broken… You’re healing…”

“I don’t think I believe it though…”

“I can prove it to you, but it might hurt a bit for a moment. Would you want me to…?”

Simon nodded.

“Anything… Anything that can just make me know for sure…”

“Okay… Here…”

Markus retracted the skin from his hand and placed it on Simon’s arm, retransmitting the memory he took of Simon’s own nightmare from the night before. Tears formed in Simon’s eyes before they reoriented themselves to the present time.

“You dreamt that last night, Simon. That was a part of your healing. Healing can hurt. Healing can be slow, but how can you tell me that wasn’t your heart putting itself back together?” 

“I can’t… I just want it to be faster. And I want it to be complete. I want to be who I was before…”

Markus took Simon’s hand and touched it to his blue eye.

“You might never be who you were before... But I’m not who I was before, yet last night, you told me I wasn’t broken. Were you lying?”

“Of course not.” Simon spoke adamantly, wanting to extinguish any thoughts of self-doubt in Markus’ mind.

“I know you weren’t. So shouldn’t the same apply to you?”

“Please--” Simon cut himself off before he could continue the sentence, realizing how stupid it would sound.

‘What is it, Simon?”

“Nothing… It’s stupid…”

“Somehow I doubt that. What is it?”

“...please help me protect my heart from sustaining further damage… Told you it was stupid. That’s not something you say. Not something you ask. You don’t ask for protection. You’re either strong enough to protect yourself, or you go through life trying to pretend like you are. Especially with your heart. You don’t ask someone to protect your trust, your hope, your belief in the goodness of the world, the kindness of others… For one, it’s an impossible task to ask of someone, but more importantly, such a request is paradoxically more likely to be rejected than accepted, only causing further harm to the heart in need of protection!”

“The request isn’t stupid. You are. What did I say the plan was from here on out? ‘You’ll look after me. I’ll look after you…’ I’ll help you keep your heart from harm.”

Simon winced.

“Why does it hurt when you say that?”

“Because it’s like I said. Sometimes it hurts to be healed.” 


	9. Between the Afters

“Ready to get up, now, Si?” 

“We’re going to have to at some point anyway…” Simon replied, bracing himself before he forced himself into a sitting position. The creaking of his arms made him wince, but he stayed upright nonetheless.

“Okay. That’s wrong. Here. I’ll take you to the others so they can get working on you as soon as possible. Don’t move.” Markus said gently, lifting Simon from the bed and taking him to the living room where Josh and North appeared to be arguing over the tv.

“Good morning New Jericho!” He interrupted their quarrel. The two somehow always found a way to fight over something, no matter how petty.

“Morning. Sleep well?” Josh turned to Simon and Markus.

North raised an eyebrow sarcastically, but the men ignored it.

“Yes. I was wondering when we could get started working on Simon’s repairs. He’s obviously in no state to go on missions like this, and since we don’t exactly have much work to do at the moment, I figured now would be the best time to get him back in order.”

“And I’m assuming you want it done here and not at a technician…?” Josh asked Simon, concerned. He wasn’t sure they had the proper supplies to deal with such extensive damage at New Jericho.

“...y-yes…”

Simon didn’t even need to verbally confirm it, his artificial skin having blanched considerably at the prospect of being repaired outside of New Jericho. Technicians… Facilities… He didn’t know which or how many he might have been through when he was shut off between his time at Stratford and the DPD…

“Understood... Sorry to have to ask this of you, but would you mind retracting your skin again so I can see if we might need to acquire more parts first?”

Simon looked at Markus, apprehensive. Markus nodded back reassuringly, but he knew this wouldn’t be enough. How could he help someone who had sustained such damage feel comfortable with being so vulnerable...? He took Simon’s hand and pressed it to the right side of his own face. A display of his own, a nonverbal expression of trust.

Markus could see Simon nod through his uncovered left eye.

‘The feeling is mutual.’ 

Simon retracted his skin, looking at Markus as Josh examined him over. He could sense Josh taking a closer look at the hole in his chest when he got a message from Markus.

‘Ever pet an Aussie before?’

‘You can talk, you know…’

‘My voice is the last thing you need right now. But have you pet one?’

‘Markus, your voice is never unwanted. So long as I know it’s coming from you, I could hear it all day long.’

‘That may be the case, but you don’t need to hear me now. …I’m just thinking though. I feel like, with the way I’m holding your hand to my face, it’s like one of those videos we watched last night. The one where the dog paws it’s human’s hand to pet its head some more. I think some dogs do that as an ‘emotional support dog’. Does that make me your emotional support android?’

Simon smirked.

‘I think that’s what they call a ‘friend’, Markus.’

“Fair enough… I don’t think I’m very much like a dog to be honest…” Markus accidentally said out loud.

“No, but you’re definitely a bitch!” North teased.

“Crap! I said that out loud, didn’t I…?” Markus looked to Simon, who nodded, barely keeping himself from laughing.

“Okay… Well at least you got me back… Even if I wasn’t in my right mind, ‘bitch’ was a harsh word to call you yesterday… Not my taste in word…” Markus said to North, a soft smile conveyed in his voice, despite his back being turned to her.

“Well, it’s definitely my taste in word!”

“Of course it’s your taste in word...” Josh replied, turning away from Simon to face her, scowling.

“Hey! At least I’m not--”

“So what’s the story, Josh?” Markus called his attention before he and North were at each other's throats again.

“We should be able to get it done with what we have here. Let me just prepare everything and we can get started once I get back…”

“...thanks…” Simon’s voice came out a whisper as Josh left the room.

“Stress Level: 92%^”

‘You’ll be okay…’ Markus messaged Simon.

‘I know… It’s just that the cables and everything in the repair room look too much like the evidence room Connor took us to… And I don’t know… I don’t know what happened to me before I wound up at the DPD… And since I don’t know what happened to me then… I can’t be sure it won’t happen to me again now…’

Markus sat down beside Simon and closed his eyes, so he if he glitched out again, it wouldn’t call North’s attention.

‘I get it… Trust me, I do… But I wasn’t there back then. I’m here now. We’re all here. So we can be sure for you.’

“Markus… Don’t--” the words started to fall out of his mouth like muscle memory, but Markus put a finger to his lips to quiet him.

‘Shhh… I promise you I’ll be by your side the whole time. It’s okay… It’s all different now…’

“...thank you…”

Simon felt stupid as tears formed in his eyes, but he couldn’t help it. He was so overwhelmed. But Markus just brushed them away.

‘My brave Simon… You’re keeping your stress level down well.’

‘Waking up blind in a strange place with a strange voice, completely immobile was scary… Terrifying beyond words… But it was the being alone that made it unbearable. I’m not alone now, so there’s much less to be afraid of… As long as you’re with me…’

‘Always…’

‘Even…’ Simon stopped transmitting the message midway.

‘Even what?’

‘Even if Josh can’t fix it all…? Even if something goes wrong...?’

‘Always: adverb: at all times, on all occasions’

‘Did you just quote the dictionary at me?’

‘You can access the internet too; you tell me.’ 

Eyes still closed, Markus could hear Josh’s footsteps approaching, and took Simon’s hand. Simon gripped Markus’ hand tightly, so as to feel his presence as deeply as possible. Josh spoke from out of Simon’s view.

“Hey, Simon. Can you power down for me again before we start? I don’t want you to get nervous and overheat at any point during the procedure…”

Simon’s grip dissolved, his hand limp in Markus’, and Markus realized that the comment alone had already sent Simon into a panic.

“It’s okay, Simon. Talk to me.”

"...don’t want to power down… was powered down last time…"

“Simon, look at me…”

Markus opened his eyes and turned to meet Simon’s, ignoring his right eye, which was darting around randomly, not at all in sync with his left.

“...Markus…”

Simon looked to his right eye.

‘It’s fine. Simon, this is nothing like last time. You’re going to stay within New Jericho. Josh will be doing the repairs, and I’ll sit next to you the whole time if you want… I won’t leave you or look away for a second…’

‘I’m scared...’

The short message broke Markus’ heart.

‘I know… But you’ll be okay, I promise. You know now that I’m not going to let anyone hurt you. We can lock the door behind us so no one else can get in, and we don’t need to wake you until you’re back in bed. But we can’t have your biocomponents giving out while you’re being repaired…’

‘...I know that it has to be done... I’m just so scared… I don’t know what I need… It’s all just too much…’

Markus thought for a moment, before gently pulling Simon up towards him, and holding him tightly to his chest.

‘I protect you, you protect me’... That’s the plan, remember? You said it was the best plan. So can we have that be our strategy on this next mission?’

“Markus, don’t--”

“Shhh… shhh...” Markus cut him off… ‘I understand those words come to mind, but there will never again come a time where they will be necessary. I’ll be here…’

‘Please stay...?’

‘Always.’ 


	10. Tactician not Technician

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus finds out why he’d never make it working in the New Jericho Repair Wing...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look, I’ll just be upfront here: Being the emo nerd that I am, I’m a total sl*t for a good repair scene and came up with some heavy angst for the next few chapters. The wip title for this fic was literally “#SadGayRoboBois”. There will be moments of fluff, but heavy angst ahead. Happy endings take time, y’know! <3

Simon met Markus’ eyes again.

“I’m powering down now…”

“I’ll talk to you soon…” Markus said aloud. ‘Thank you, Simon… You’re wonderful…’

Simon’s led faded as he fell unconscious.

“Markus, are you sure you want to come with? This isn’t going to be pretty…”

Markus closed his right eye and nodded.

“I made a promise. And it could be useful to have an extra set of hands on stand-by…”

“Whatever you say. I’m taking Simon though… Don’t want a repeat of last night…” he replied, tapping his right cheekbone knowingly.

Markus sighed. It made sense that Josh figured it out… Oh well… Markus nodded and passed Simon over to Josh and carefully rose, following Josh and Simon to the medical wing. Josh placed Simon down on an examination table as he prepared the suspension cables.

“I’m going to try to preserve as much of his original frame as possible, to minimize the chance of replacement incompatibility and make it easier on his self-healing program…”

“Right…”

Markus stroked Simon’s cracked jawline.

“I also want to take a look at his biocomponents, though, just in case any were damaged at the warehouse… I’m especially wary of his ventilator…”

“Do whatever you need…”

Josh turned around suddenly, a chair in one hand some sort of unfamiliar tool in the other.

“Sit…” He ordered Markus, a serious look in his eyes that made Markus nervously obey.

“Have you ever seen one of these before?”

Josh passed the tool into Markus’ hands for him to examined. Upon realizing he didn’t recognize it, Markus ran a scan of the tool, and promptly dropped it in horror.

“Y-you’re not going to--”

“I need to if I intend to access his biocomponents without further damaging his frame... It won’t hurt him… I’ve done it before on other deviants. But if you need to leave the room, I’m sure he would understand…”

Markus shook his head.

“I know he would… But I’m staying…”

“Very well… Stay seated. I don’t want to have to work on you too…”

Markus turned himself to Simon as Josh hooked the suspension cables through the gaps in his frame around bundles of wiring to keep him stationary, yet easily accessible.

“Get ready, now…”

Markus held tightly to the back of his chair, as Josh pressed the device to Simon’s led. A single jab and there was a flash of light and several sparks, before Simon’s frame came clattering down to the ground below them. Markus’ eyes went wide, and he nearly fell out of his chair…

“Holy sh--!”

“It’s okay, Markus. That’s supposed to happen...”

“...I-I-I don’t even… even recognize him…”

He reached out a shaky hand to touch Simon, now no more than a small mass of wiring and internal biocomponents.

“Markus… He’ll be fine… Please trust me. I do this every day…”

“...Right… I… trust you… Just jarring…”

Josh smirked.

“That’s why you’re the tactician, and I’m the tech here.”

Josh scanned what was left of Simon, turned back, and explained, “Nothing needs to be replaced as far as I can tell from a simple scan, but he’s going to need a lot of welding…”

And without warning, he took a soldering iron and began to work on Simon’s ventilator. Markus winced at the hiss of heated air, the smell of burnt metal, but Josh didn’t seem at all affected. He would have marvelled at Josh’s ability to stay so calm under such conditions, but he was too shaken up to think about that at the moment…

Simon… Simon was so small… Completely vulnerable…

The last time… Simon didn’t remember it, but clearly the brunt of the damage--at least the damage extensive to the point where it was beyond his self-healing program’s ability to repair-- was done to his frame.

Unless… Unless his self-healing program prioritized repairs on his more vital interior components and the skin protecting his frame…

That’s why he wasn't healing!

“Josh, I think his self-healing program was damaged. What do you do about that?”

“I’ll work on that after I finish his ventilation system. That way, I can test it out by seeing if it’ll heal over the soldering I’ve just done.”

“Can it be repaired, though?”

“It… depends on the extent of the damage... I assume it burnt itself out healing his artificial skin and biocomponents before it could heal his frame, when he was damaged…”

“I think so… I’m not sure, but it would explain why his internal components are relatively unharmed, and why his injuries from the warehouse still haven’t healed. Have you worked with anything like this before…?”

Josh sighed, refusing to look up from his work.

“A few times, but I’ve never seen a self-healing program that blew itself out… Well, I think I might know of one case, but that… that was in a deviant much more damaged than Simon…”

Markus pressed into his right eye hard to keep it still, for fear that it would burrow its way into his artificial processing center as he realized which deviant Josh was referring to.

Ralph…

Markus grimaced at the thought of what could have been. Simon could have easily ended up like Ralph, and never made his way back. Spent the rest of his days damaged, alone, in pain and in fear, longing for the vague unfamiliar concept of love, family, home…

Simon didn’t though. Simon made it home. Simon made it home…

But if he hadn’t… it would have been Markus’ fault. Yet Simon didn’t even blame him…

“Markus, watch your stress level…”

Josh turned back.

“Did I remind you of what you saw…? How he--?”

“No… Yes… Sort of… Our next mission if…” Markus winced “...once we repair Simon, is to capture and repair Ralph, and any other deviants like him… Shit, Josh, why didn’t we think of that sooner!?!?”

“Markus, your stress level-- I mean it. I won’t hesitate to manually power you down too…”

“I just feel responsible… Not just for Simon, for everyone… Yet, until last night, the thought had never even occurred to me… Until now, I didn’t even think to--”

“You can’t think of everything Markus. You’re doing the best you can… And we’ll take him in… We can set up a repair center specifically for deviants with similar damage.”

“Right… You’re right… Thank you… Sorry for getting carried away…”

“You’ve seen something… I don’t want to see it, but I understand why whatever it was would have affected you… I don’t want to know what it would do to me…” Josh replied as he went deep into Simon’s cerebral processors.

“...mmh… I see… He got lucky… Very lucky…”

“What?”

“The center that deals with self-repairs is one of the larger portions of what a human would call an android ‘brain’... The more vital the component to repair, the deeper the corresponding portion of this center is in the “brain”... His self-repair center burnt out just as it started to work on the damage to his frame--probably the hole in his chest, if I had to guess… This part is pretty far from most of the more important components of the “brain” like those involved in sensorimotor functions, or sentience.”

“So can you fix it?”

“I can try… While that was the region that burnt out, it appears to have damaged the rest of his self-healing center in its entirety. I’ll first try to clean out the charred debris and replace the circuit board because it seems damaged beyond repair, and then, see if I can hook it up to the rest of the center and with a bit of electricity get it going again...”

“Try…? A-and if it doesn’t work…? That’s his processing unit you’re messing with!!” 

“It’ll work. Besides. The chance of serious damage from this procedure is heavily outweighed by the chance of serious damage from even a comparatively minor injury he’d be unable to heal.”

Markus took in Josh’s words, but couldn’t find any of his own with which to respond. His mind was buzzing, dizzy and oversaturated with possible outcomes, how he would cope. How Simon would cope. _If_ Simon would cope…

The sound of a suction filter scraping against metal brought Markus out of his thoughts, making his artificial skin crawl.

Simon wasn't awake right now. Simon wouldn't remember this if he woke up… When he woke up, Markus reminded himself.

He felt a tinge of relief when Josh put down the tool, only to feel his thirium pump stop as he heard a sharp crack when Josh pried out the circuit board. He set down the circuit board and took out a fresh one.

“I can use this as a template...” He explained as he began to rewire the new circuit board.

After a moment of examining his work, satisfied, Josh returned to Simon and began to reattach the new circuit board. He then took a single wire with a switch, which he turned on, and pressed it to the new machinery, forming sparks again, causing his wiring to glow a bright blue.

“RA9...”

Markus instinctively moved closer to protect his unconscious friend, nearly falling out of his chair before regaining his balance.

“He’s fine… It was a very light current. Let’s see if it worked though…”

Markus watched Josh as Josh examined Simon’s ventilator. Josh smiled as, slowly, the marks of the solder dissolved, leaving smooth metal in their place.

“It worked?”

“And in good timing too. Fully functional, I’d say…”

“Thank you!”

“Now I just need to solder the cracks in his frame, and the damage to his joints should heal itself. He’s a tough one, Simon… We all are… We’ve all had to be…”

Josh worked on Simon’s frame remarkably quickly. He started with the smaller, simpler features, parts of limbs, and then facial components, placing them on as he repaired them so the self-healing program could gradually work over each part, one at a time.

He was beginning to look like Simon again…

Josh saved the torso for last, needing a metal graft for the larger hole in his chest, and placed it onto Simon, as Markus watched it miraculously repair itself.

“The tool I used to extract his frame sent Simon into a deeper state of unconsciousness than sleep, but now that his frame is back on, it should trigger a mechanism bringing him back into a normal sleep mode. He should wa--”

“Get him down!” Markus ordered.

“What?”

“Get him down! Now! He can’t sleep like this… Not here! I don’t want to get into it, but…”

Understanding, Josh began to unhook Simon, but having only regained just enough consciousness to notice his suspension, Simon had already started to scream. Markus got up to calm him, only for his legs to fail again.

“Shit!”

He dragged himself closer and pulled himself with one arm up using a fallen suspension cable, but he couldn’t move to turn Simon’s head towards him with his free hand.

“Simon. Wake up. You’re in New Jericho… Please--”

But the screams only intensified… Right. His voice certainly wouldn’t help in a situation like this.

‘Josh, you need to fully wake him. It’s too late, and I can’t reach him.’

Josh nodded, gently nudging Simon’s arm. Newly awake, Simon began to tremble terribly, as he saw the room around him.

‘Simon. You were dreaming. Josh just repaired your hardware, and he’s unhooking you from the suspension cables. Whatever you saw wasn’t real; you’re okay…’

“Markus? Where--”

‘Over here…’

Simon had only just noticed Markus, right eye closed, dangling from a downed cable, his lower body hanging uselessly from his torso.

“Markus… Your legs…”

‘My legs are fine… Just focus on calming down… You should be fully functional if you can just calm down…’

Josh finished unhooking Simon and carried him to his bed. Markus released his grip on the wire, dragging his body along behind them until he could feel his eye sync back up, and tested his legs. Steady enough on his feet again, he ran to catch up with the two in Simon’s room.

“Thanks, Josh…” Markus said, his eyes trained on Simon as he spoke.

“You really weren’t kidding about your legs giving out that frequently. You’re quite efficient at using your arms instead…”

“Necessity is the mother of invention…”

He glanced over Simon.

“Stress Level: 101%”

It was evenly set on 101%, neither rising nor falling.

“Josh, drop the temperature in the room and get us some chilled thirium, would you?”

Josh scanned Simon and nodded, before leaving the room.

“Si, why is your stress level still so high? And why hasn't it started to fall yet…?”

“I was suspended… I couldn’t see... Everything was blurry, and everything hurts… And… it felt so familiar… I don’t know why, but I can’t shake the terror. Maybe because it still hurts… Why does it hurt...? I’m scared...”

Markus gently stroked Simon’s face, physically forcing his own blue eye to be still until thirium poured out like tears. For Simon to be this shaken up, he didn’t want to imagine the pain he was experiencing. Simon, who had been walking around so damaged for so long...

“There’s no need to be scared. Nearly every part of your frame went through intense repairs, as did many of your internal components. It’s only natural that it would hurt like hell.”

“The pain is so familiar, yet the memory is so foggy… I don’t want it… I could take the pain, but the feeling that something unbearably terrible, just out of my reach, is underlying it all… I don’t like this, Markus… I-I…”

“Do you think it would help to take my memories, so you can know what happened to you now…?”

Simon thought for a moment.

“...No... No it might make the haze clearer… Give way to something I’m clearly not meant to remember…”

“That makes sense… I’m wondering… Can I turn on your skin for you? It might give a better reference as to the source of your pain…”

“...sure…”

Markus gently put a hand to Simon’s led, and his skin slowly creeped over his metal frame. Just as he suspected, while the frame was uninjured, the skin was still heavily bruised and burnt from where the soldering iron had met the metal. Markus sat Simon up so he could see.

“Oh… that’s… that’s a lot…”

“Skin contains a good amount of pain receptors… I can take you to the medical wing and get you bandaged up, and it might help it hurt less… Some extra thirium might do you good when Josh comes back too…”

As if on cue, Josh returned, chilled thirium in hand. He took a reading on Simon.

“Stress Level: 95%v”

“Core Temperature: 99.1v“

“Thirium Level: 88%”

“Well, Simon, you’ve already started breathing again, which is a good sign. Markus was right; take this. It should help.”

He tossed Markus a thirium pouch, which he held for Simon to drink. Simon quickly finished the pouch, his stress level having lowered enough to enable him to push aside Markus’ hand with the empty pouch and wipe the bit of thirium trickling down his chin.

“Josh, can we get Simon bandaged up to see if that could help a bit with the pain…?”

“Of course! I intended to do that before he woke up, but he woke up so suddenly… Sorry, Simon!”

“It’s okay, Thanks for fixing me…” Simon replied, wincing as he got up from the bed.

“No no! You are not moving while you’re still so hurt!” Markus picked Simon up.

“And you shouldn’t be carrying him while you’re still so unsteady on your legs!” Josh objected.

“My legs are fine now. I’m fine now!”

“Your eye is bleeding…”

Markus wiped away the thirium from his right eye.

“No it’s not.”

“There’s nothing we could say or do to get you to take it easy and look after yourself, is there?” Simon asked.

“No. Coming, Josh?”

Josh rolled his eyes and followed Markus to the medical wing.

Markus sat Simon down on a hospital bed, as Josh looked him over again to see where most of the damage remained. There was damage to the skin all over his body, but the skin was still particularly raw over much of his chest by where the hole had been repaired, on his jawline, and along his legs.


	11. North Ships It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amidst extensive repairs, realities are questioned and North teaches Markus that sometimes it’s better to show than tell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Insert ancient homestuck img.* “I Warned You About the Angst, Bro” 
> 
> In all seriousness, let’s be real here. North is definitely the ultimate mischievous big sister friend of the Jericrew, and no doubt the original Simarkus shipper.

“Simon, I’m not going to cover everything-- just the wounds that could use a bit of help healing more quickly. The serum I put on the gauze is derived from the coagulatory components of thirium, so it might feel a bit unpleasant, but it should accelerate the healing process. Do you understand?”

Simon nodded. He’d assisted in the medical wing long enough to know that for himself anyway.

‘Unpleasant how?’ Markus messaged Josh suspiciously.

‘It triggers a very strong instantaneous inflammatory response which can burn intensely. That’s why I would have preferred to have done this in his sleep.’

‘And you’re not telling him this specifically because…?’

‘It’s usually easier without the anticipation…’

Markus shook his head.

“Si, this is going to burn quite a bit, you know that, right?”

Simon hesitated

“Yes... I do…”

‘I’m only reminding you so you understand… Your legs and chest will burn from the serum. Not from… you know… Remember that, and stay calm…’

‘Thank you. I’m fine...’

‘I know, Simon. I know.’

But without warning, Josh placed the bandages over Simon’s legs and his thirium rate jumped. He turned wide-eyed to Markus.

“My-- my-- I ca--”

“Shhh... Stress level down, Simon. It’ll ease up shortly. Your legs are fine now.”

Simon grabbed Markus’ arm to hold him by his side before his stress level would rise to the point at which he wouldn’t be able.

‘Simon, look at me. Look at me. We’re in New Jericho. And am I going anywhere?’

Simon wasn’t sure.

“I-I-I don’t---”

‘No. No I’m not. The past is the past. I know better now. You're here with me, and you're safe. I won't let anyone take you from me, and I won't let anyone harm you. So please calm down…’

Simon’s led cycled from red to yellow as he processed what Markus said to him.

‘it feels like I’ve been shot again...’

‘That bad?’

‘...yeah… That bad… I think my efforts to keep my stress level down are increasing my circulation, making it worse... Or maybe my stress is just increasing my sensitivity to pain… ’

“Josh, how long should the reaction last?”

Josh could see Markus’ eye slowly shift out of sync for a moment before correcting itself and realized that Simon must have been managing the pain poorly.

“The worst of it should be over soon...”

‘Too familiar, I’m guessing…?’ Markus nodded, not bothering to reply via message or verbally.

Blips of red and yellow cycled through Simon’s led.

‘Simon, your led… Talk to me…’

‘Didn’t expect it to get this cold so quickly… I’ve seen deviants cry out in pain from this stuff, only to calm down once their core temperature dropped, but it’s so cold… My core temperature is within normal range, but my legs are so cold…’

‘Maybe the drop in temperature is localized since your frame and thirium lines are intact. But Simon, if it’s starting to hurt less, then why have you only now started to go red again?’

‘...Because what if it’s too cold… if I'll never be able to--’

‘No Simon… You said it yourself, fear coupled with the energy it takes to keep yourself calm is heightening your sensitivity. I’m sure it’s normal…’

‘I know… That’s why I didn’t say anything. It’s just… unnerving. Making it difficult to stay below 93%. I’m fluctuating around 91% and 92% right now…’

‘...but why does that frighten you? Because of what North said at the warehouse or… do you still not trust me…?’

Simon shook his head, keeping himself from shivering as he explained ‘partly what North said… and not because I don’t trust you… I just… I’m still… afraid…?’

‘You’re still healing. Your trust is recovering too, but it’s a slow process. You don’t completely trust me yet, and I don’t blame you. It doesn’t offend me. But I’ll be here like I am now. So please, try and understand that, at least enough to feel even just a bit more secure about whatever you’re experiencing.’

Simon’s hold on Markus’ arm faded and Markus realized his stress level must have risen.

‘Simon--’

‘He didn’t fix me… I still hurt, I still need this serum, I still can’t-- can’t-- can’t feel my legs, and I’m still scared... I’m broken... Damn it! I shouldn’t say that!’

The familiar cry rose in his throat.

“Markus don’t l--”

“Shhh… Si, it’s okay... It’s okay…”

Josh turned around, confused.

‘Stress level rose again… Anxiety attack. He’s fine…’

Josh nodded, occupying himself with something pointless in the room to allow the two some privacy as Markus worked to calm Simon down.

Markus turned Simon’s head to face him, meeting his eyes.

‘Simon. You are not broken. Josh repaired the damage to your frame and internal components including your self-healing mechanism and your ventilator. Now, he’s allowing your skin to heal itself with the help of the serum. You saw your frame. No cracks, no scars. It’s in perfect condition. Your skin should heal itself completely soon. Your sense of security will likely take longer. I’ll be here for you as you heal in every regard. No matter how you feel or how you perceive yourself to be, you’re my Simon. The pain, the fear-- that comes with healing. You’re healing, I’m here, and soon all will be right with your world.’

‘...it hurts…’

‘...well you’ve been soldiering on with such pain for so long, it’s no wonder the recovery is so intense. But you’ll never be hurt like that again, and you know now you never need to hide the damage... Y’know, I bet you’d feel your legs just fine if I dropped a puppy on your lap!’

Markus caught a short blip of blue and felt Simon’s grip return on his arm.

‘Gotcha! Man’s best friend, deviants’ best friend: dogs are amazing-- undeniable fact... You’re already looking a lot better... I’m going to try something now, okay? If it hurts, I’ll stop, but let’s just see...’

Markus extended his arm so Simon could keep ahold of him as he moved down and gently placed a hand over his bandaged leg. Simon winced at first, unadjusted to the sudden heat that came with Markus’ touch, but quickly relaxed, soothed by the warmth and knowledge that he could feel his legs again.

‘...Y-you’re warm…’ Simon stammered, blushing a faint blue.

‘Good. I’m glad that worked…’

Markus took his jacket from his shoulders and draped it over Simon’s legs like a blanket.

It was warm too… But he noticed now that the warmth was different from the warmth he'd known before; not like that of a clean blanket or a chair next to a fireplace.

It went more than skin-deep.

He remembered a movie he’d watched with his humans before his deviancy. In the movie a guy went on the human ritual of a date. The girl was inadequately dressed for the weather, so the guy place his own sweater around her shoulders. He didn’t quite understand it at the time. The guy was still properly dressed without the sweater, while the girl was still underdressed, the sweater insufficient protection from the freezing winds. Yet, the girl then grew impervious to the cold nonetheless.

It wasn’t the jacket that was warming him, but the fact that Markus had given him a physical manifestation of care. It was warming his legs, yes, but also thawing his heart.

Thawing or melting?

He kicked off the jacket suddenly, threatened by the warmth it brought.

“Woah! Simon, did that hurt?!? I’m sorry!” Markus let go of Simon, and stepped back, concerned.

“N-no… It... didn’t hurt… I don’t think it hurt… I’m not sure… I just got… startled… I’m sorry.” 

“Oh… Well… Sorry for... startling you…”

“It’s fine… You didn’t do anything wrong…”

North strode in suddenly before Josh could stop her.

“Oh just kiss already!” She teased, loud enough to be heard over Markus shouting.

“Out!”

“What?!? W-why would we kiss?!?” Simon asked, visibly uncomfortable.

“Ignore her, Simon. North, let him--”

“Shut up, Markus! And Simon, don’t be an idiot. Deviant or human, it’s all the same. And if anyone can recognize the signs of infatuation, it’s an Eden girl like me. As soon as you took Markus in, your eyes screamed ‘He’s mine’, and it didn't take long before he had the same look around you too. Didn’t even take a day for you two to fall in love. Since your return, you’ve been trying to dull the glow to no avail, while his has only shone brighter.”

‘North, you’re going to mess him up if you keep going on about shit like that!’ Markus warned.

‘He needs to know.’

‘He still doesn’t-- He’s still relearning to trust after everything he’s seen… If I say it now, he won’t believe me. Or he might in the moment, but it’ll only cause him further pain later on…’

Reluctant to hurt Simon, but knowing that the coat would do less damage than North if he didn’t stop her now, Markus placed his jacket over Simon once again to demonstrate.

‘You’re shivering…’ he lied to Simon as an explanation for the coat.

Nonetheless, Simon frantically tossed the coat off again, as if it caused him physical pain.

‘See?’ He messaged North.

North rolled her eyes and stepped towards them, causing Markus to step away from Simon to keep her from him. Simon fell back in his bed, and Markus swore to himself.

‘Don’t worry. I’m just going to make her leave and I’ll come back in a minute. I promise I won’t leave this room without you.’

“Markus d--”

“Simon, please. It’s okay. Talk to Josh. Wait, actually, Josh talk to Simon. About anything. Just don’t let him say my name like that again…”

Josh nodded and began to engage Simon in pointless conversation, as Markus glared at North.

“Do you see what trouble you’ve caused? Just go!”

“You’re an idiot, Markus! You do realize you can selectively transmit your memories of your objective and subjective experience, right? No, of course you don’t. People in love get all stupid. It’s honestly kind of funny when it’s not the fucking leader of the resistance.”

Markus’ led glowed yellow as he processed her words.

“Transmit memor-- Thank you!!!”

He ran from North back to Simon, and looked back at her, expectantly.

“Explain it to him, since I’m all stupid.”

“Simon, you know deviants can’t alter their memories, right?” North said, the usual edge to her voice coming across as threatening to Simon.

Markus was just talking to North, and now she and Josh were looming over him like before and Markus said he was stupid again and she just said--

“M-markus don’t--”

Shit! Markus’ eyes widened, horrified at the realization of how Simon had just interpreted North's having brought up the nature of deviant memory.

Of course!

How could he not have thought back to that with North bringing it up while he…? ...even his damn legs…! Everything he'd been through and now…! RA9, did Simon think that Markus would--?!

“Shhh... No! I’m sorry! Bad idea. Bad idea. North, Josh, give him some space! Back up now!”

“Stress Level: 103%^”

North and Josh did as ordered, exchanging confused glances.

'Simon, calm down. It’s okay… You need to breathe. We’re at New Jericho now, remember? North just asked that because she wanted you to know that there was no way I could have altered the memories I’m going to send to you now, okay?'

Simon’s stress level slowly began to fall.

'...o-okay...? I-I-- okay… t-that makes sense…'

'Good. I’ll wait for you to calm down enough to breathe, and then I’ll transfer them to you, okay?'

'...yeah… y-you just said you were… and North and Josh… and I thought…'

'Shhh... No, Simon. Never. Never again, remember?'

Markus put all his energy into reminding himself that his legs were his own, to stay on his feet for Simon as he could feel his heart breaking.

“...your eye… I’m sorry… I keep--”

“My eye is fine. It’s not your fault; it’s mine. Not quite so natural for me as an Australian Shepherd is all. Good thing too. Could you picture the poor little things glitching out like this…”

Markus laughed half-heartedly, covering his blue eye, which he couldn’t keep from malfunctioning.

“...wouldn’t make them any less cute…”

Markus blushed a deep blue as, on the other end of the room, North smirked at Josh, who was also blushing from sympathetic embarrassment coupled with discomfort at their eavesdropping.

“Stress Level: 94%v”

“Okay, Simon, are you ready? The memories aren’t bad ones, but they’re very… emotionally charged… I was trying to have North explain it to you, because she told me this would be the best way to do this, given that I couldn’t have altered my memories, so you would know they’re how I’ve really experienced the past while, but that obviously went… less than optimally...”

Simon slowly sat himself up and nodded, retracting the skin from his hand, as Markus retracted the skin from his own arm. Simon placed his hand down on Markus’ arm and took in a charge from him along with his memories, as both their eyes went blank.

Reliving his own memories in reverse, scene-by-scene as they were transferred to Simon, Markus pulled away just before they reached his memories prior to Simon’s waking. As the color returned to Simon’s eyes, his led cycled yellow with bits of blue.

“H-how…? How am I supposed to react to this…?”

“You could kiss him!” North yelled from across the room, dodging the blow from Josh that she had accurately predicted would inevitably follow. But neither Simon nor Markus heard her.

“I’m not sure… North just thought this would be a good idea.”

‘Deviancy is weird… Were I not a deviant, I’d be a rational machine… I would know what I just saw, felt was true, and accept it as such… But I am a deviant… and I’m still… scared… Just a bit… I know it doesn’t make sense, but…’

‘Okay… But accepting the fear to be irrational, how would you react to that…?’

Simon blushed.

‘...if I weren’t afraid... And if North weren’t here… well… Here, see for yourself…’

Simon retracted the skin on his arm and allowed Markus to take in his own memories. These memories weren’t linear, though, and they weren’t all recent. It was a compilation of sorts, a compilation of things that never happened.

Memories of thoughts, hopes since Markus had arrived at Jericho. The times Simon dreamt of holding him, kissing him, just being like a simple human couple without the worries that came with the war on androids.

But Simon quickly grew embarrassed at having shown something so personal, his reveries interrupted by insecurity and fear, which was consequently transferred to Markus in its place. Markus retracted his hand, both their leds cycling all three colors as they tried to categorize and understand how exactly they were feeling and why.

Markus started to laugh, causing Simon to turn away apologetically, a subtle hurt etched softly about his features.

“I-I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have…”

‘No Si, it’s not you. I’m laughing at North. How can someone be so right about one thing, yet so wrong about literally everything else?!?’

‘Right about--?’

But before Simon could finish the message, Markus impulsively pulled him closer and pressed his lips to Simon’s, not pulling away until he noticed North whooping from the other side of the room, and Josh covering his eyes, mortified.

He looked at Simon, whose face was more blue than skin-colored, blushing so intensely that the deep blue of his awestruck eyes almost seemed dull.

“S-sorry… Was that a bad idea?”

Simon was speechless as he tried to think of a way to respond

"...only if you wouldn’t want to do it again..."

"If you wouldn’t mind, once this is over, I definitely intend to do it again… Although maybe next time, without the unwanted company…"

Markus waved at North, a silent ‘screw you’. North waved back, still smirking, and began to leave the room.

“Well, Josh, I’m out. Make yourself useful and finish patching up Simon, so those two can get their painfully awkward shit together and get back to leading our people.”

“I-- uhmmm… Yes… I can do that…”

“Yo, Markus! I think you broke him! Heh! What do you do if you break the medic?”

“He did not ‘break’ me, North. Didn’t you say you were leaving, anyway?”

“Yep. No need for two third wheels.” North replied as she left the medical wing.

“Okay, Simon… Let’s see to the damage on your jaw…” Josh said, ignoring North’s last comment.

He turned Simon’s head around towards him and followed the cuts along his jawline with his finger, tilting Simon’s head upwards as it led to a jagged round hole where the skin was entirely burnt away-- hadn’t healed at all from the graft he’d welded under it.

It looked bizarre, and seemed to be the center of the cracks among his jaw. Upon closer inspection, the burn was slightly oblong, expanding as his neck went upward. It was too shaky to have come from a knife, but too well defined a mark to be caused by fire.

The angle… the roughness of the outline... the shape of the wound… No…

Josh retracted his hand suddenly and furrowed his brow, a serious glint in his eyes as he asked.

“Who made you do this to yourself, Simon?”

Simon turned into Markus, burying his face in his chest, as if the question had posed a threat to him. But the question didn’t pose the threat. It was the answer: They all made him, without even knowing it… If he said that… would Josh accept it? Approve of his actions, even…?

Markus protectively put an arm around Simon’s now-trembling form and shook his head at Josh.

“Just don’t… You don’t know what you’re getting into…”

“I only want to bring the person who hurt him to justice…”

“It’s not that simple… trust me… Just treat the wound, and don’t mention it again…”

Markus willed his blue eye still to convey the seriousness in his words with eye contact, causing it to once again shed thirium as the small servos strained to hold it in place.

“Josh won’t ask any more questions, Simon. It’s okay. We’re going to get that fixed, and we won’t mention it again. Can you turn to let him place the bandages now?”

No… That was the one wound he couldn’t bear to let Josh touch… Simon didn’t answer, and he didn’t move. He was only barely keeping his stress level down enough that he wouldn’t collapse again. They stayed in silence for a while, Josh not knowing what to do, Simon unwilling to act, and Markus thinking of how to proceed.

‘Simon, you don’t need to be afraid. He doesn’t know any better. He never could have predicted it would have come to that… I certainly didn’t. If I had, do you think for a second I’d have left you with the gun?’

Simon shuddered.

‘...I’ve felt your regret… But… he… he wanted to leave me there… He told you to... And I know he knew… I don’t… It’s hard, Markus… I don’t want him to figure out what happened and why… I don’t want him to… to approve of it…’

“No one would approve of it, Simon! Do you hear me? I swear that to you!”

Markus hadn’t even realized he was shouting aloud until he felt Josh looking at him, confused.

‘I-I’m sorry… I’m just…’

‘There’s no need for you to be sorry. You, of any of us, are the one who has nothing to apologize for. I just need you to know that no one-- Not Josh, not Connor, not even fucking North would approve of what happened to you back then.’

‘I-I still don’t want him near it...’

‘Okay… Do you think you would be able to apply the bandages yourself, then?’

‘T-that would work…’ Simon agreed.

‘Then that’s what we’ll do… No one’s pushing you to move on so soon.’

“Let Simon place this one, Josh. It’s… particularly sensitive, so just prepare the gauze for him, and let him deal with the wound...“

“Of course…”

Josh winced. He could tell that Simon’s reaction was rooted in something unthinkably horrible that was done to him, presumably before his return.

But why was Simon at first relatively tolerant of Josh treating the wound, but then so fearful upon having been asked about it…? Why did the question evoke such fear? What was he afraid would happen if he answered it… And what did that have to do with letting Josh treat him now…? Maybe Simon was worried that he would ask more questions if allowed to treat him…?

Messed up. This whole thing was terribly messed up.

He handed the gauze and some bandages to Markus, who pressed them into Simon’s hand.

‘You’re in control…’ He messaged Simon, who wrapped his lower jaw and neck, waiting anxiously for the pain he knew would follow.

Also knowing what was to come, Markus pulled Simon into a tight embrace, tilting his head downwards into his shoulder, hoping that maybe the positioning would ground him, remind him that what he would feel--the familiarity of it-- was impossible.

Grateful, Simon wrapped his arms tightly around Markus, gripping fistfuls of his shirt into shaking hands, as if to better ensure his hold on this one source of comfort.


	12. Dressing and Addressing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon has difficulty differentiating between the pain of dressing and addressing old wounds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sips a cup of readers’ tears* I did cry while writing this. #SorryNotSorry

It was probably just Simon’s mind playing tricks on him, but he could practically hear the gunshot as an explosion of pain rocked him. Markus held him tighter, gently rubbing the back of his head.

‘Shhh… You’re okay… No need to scream… You’re in my arms now, and I’m not going to let you go.’

‘Y-you’re not real… T-this… this wasn’t real… Damaged internal hardware in the blast... Hardware related to perception… Y-you’re just a hallucination…’

Markus could feel Simon’s breaths grow more forced against his own chest, despite the fact that he knew his ventilation system was fully intact.

‘No, Simon. You’re really here with me in New Jericho. You made it back, and are currently undergoing a painful recovery procedure. Just breathe and ride it out. You’re okay…’

Simon swallowed back the ghost of thirium that he knew to be rising in his throat.

‘Drowning… Can’t breathe… Hold me… Don’t care if you’re real… Don’t want to be alone… Can’t… Know what happens next…’

‘Simon, you’re not drowning. What you’re feeling isn’t real. It’s a memory. I am real and you’re not alone, so please, try to breathe for me. What happens next is we finish repairing your chest and then go back to your room to watch more puppy videos. Australian Shepherds and Golden Retrievers, remember?’

Simon took a breath and shuddered.

‘Thirium filling ventilator… Shutdown imminent… Don’t let him reactivate me…! Please! Please don’t let him--’

‘Keep breathing. There’s no thirium, and there’s no impending shutdown. No one is going to reactivate you, because you're not deactivating. Can you hear me?’

‘Would rather never wake up… Can’t wake up… Can’t bear it...’

“Markus don’t--” he choked out the words, silenced by the perception of thirium bubbling up in his throat.

‘I won’t leave you, Simon. I promise. You need to breathe. I’ve got you, but I can’t breathe for you.’

‘Markus… Something’s seriously wrong with Simon!’

Markus groaned in frustration.

‘I know that, Josh! Kinda obvious, isn’t it!’

‘No, I mean, his stress level… I’ve never seen one this high before: 126% and rising. But his stress response hasn’t kicked in at all… Why--?’

‘Because his stress response was like mine back then… And he... resolved it. Or at least he thinks he did…’

‘’Resolved it’...?’

Of course. Simon perceived himself to have… Shit!

‘Why did you let him do this, if you knew what he’d been through?!?’

‘You figured out he pulled the trigger on himself too, but you didn’t stop him… He needed to heal. The emotional scars are enough without physical ones accompanying them. Just monitor his stress level and let me know when it starts to drop…’

‘Simon, can you still hear me…?’

‘I know you’re not real… You weren’t here when--’

Even before Simon could finish his sentence, the accumulating guilt and sorrow had finally overpowered Markus, causing him to lose control, his legs bucking under him, as he fell to the ground accidentally pulling Simon to the floor with him.

“Sorry, Simon!” He apologized absentmindedly.

‘Markus, your legs!’ Simon messaged him, concerned, only to fall completely into Markus, immobile.

‘W-what’s happening?!’ he asked, disoriented and alarmed.

'Stress level rising, Markus…' Josh warned.

'Drop the temperature and get a line of chilled thirium going!' Markus ordered.

“It’s okay, Simon. The burn of the serum was a little too familiar and you lost it for a minute. You said something and my legs gave out, but when I fell, since I was holding you, you fell too and snapped out of it. This is good. You’re here now. Now you just need to calm down, because your stress level is running a bit high.”

Markus sat Simon up in his arms, and Simon tried to work himself down.

‘Picture an Aussie pup just collapsing randomly… Like maybe it’s playing fetch or something, when suddenly it turns into one of those old commercials Carl used to joke about. ‘Help I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!’’

‘Poor things. That would not be funny!’

‘I think in a messed up way, it could be. Would it at least be cute?’

‘Anything an Aussie pup does is cute!’

‘Simon, you dork! I’ll have to try harder at winning the puppy war!’

‘Puppies going to war? That’s terrible!’

‘Yeah, it is… But I meant that I will go to the ends of the earth to prove that my Golden Retrievers are the cuter beings…’

‘That’s actually a great war.’

“Stress Level: 98%v”

‘Never mind, Josh, he’s coming down from it well. Thanks...’

‘Good to hear. What’s he at?’

‘97% and steadily declining. He should be able to breathe in about--now… He’s breathing again now…’

Holding Simon in one arm, Markus used the other to pull himself up by the guardrail of the hospital bed. He placed Simon back in bed and smiled, as he tested his legs.

“I swear, if I had known dogs could have such an effect on you, I might have replaced half the deviant army with puppies!”

‘Who wouldn’t be so in love with puppies?!’ Simon asked sincerely, now shivering intensely as the cold started to bite at his throat.

“Cold, now? Good. Come here, Si.”

Markus pulled Simon into another hug, this one so that Simon’s head was turned gently towards his own, his neck leaning into Markus’ shoulder.

‘Good warm?’ Markus asked.

‘Very good warm...’

Simon smiled. He didn’t mind the cold if it meant Markus would just hold him like this.

‘Who’d have known deviancy would’ve turned me into a glorified heating pad?’

‘If you’re a glorified heating pad, I’d like to leave a positive review with the manufacturer’

Simon laughed, before wincing as the cold burnt his throat with the sudden inhalation.

‘Don’t bother. He’s a dick. Although I’m particularly fond of this one product of his… Hardy thing took a bit of a beating, but still knows how to warm my heart just right.’

‘Why are you like this?’ Simon replied, blushing.

‘You mean adorkable?’

‘That’s the word…’

‘Because I learned from the best… Hehe…’

‘Your led’s glowing yellow in my face. What is it, Markus?’

‘Oh… Sorry… Just thinking something dumb…’

‘Dumb how?’

‘Dumb embarrassing.’

‘Try me…’ Markus blushed awkwardly.

‘I was just thinking that I’ll be happy when your jaw heals up, because now that I know what it’s like, I really want to kiss you again… Told you that was dumb…’

‘Not dumb, adorkable…’

The cold had mostly subsided, but neither deviant moved, both just pleased to have an excuse to hold the other close. But Josh noticed Simon’s led slowly transitioning to blue and called, “Hey, Simon? Ready to finish this up?”

Testing his ability to speak aloud, Simon tried to reply.

“...yes…” His voice was a bit hoarse, and softer than usual, but strong enough.

Reluctantly, he let go of Markus, and allowed Markus to rest him back down against the bed. Simon lifted himself slightly to look at the injuries to his chest, his led now cycling yellow as he tried to look back on a time he’d ever seen a deviant receive similar treatment for injuries of a similar size.

“Josh...?” He asked warily.

Josh turned knowingly to Simon to reply to the unspoken question.

“No… I haven’t treated such a large surface area with this serum before, particularly not in a region so near vital biocomponents. It should be perfectly safe, but you’re going to need to make sure your ventilation system functions optimally for the duration of the treatment…”

“Si, if I promise to stay by your side, do you think you can you enter sleep mode for this? If you need to maintain optimal ventilation for this, then we shouldn’t risk your stress level rising to the point where your ventilation might be entirely compromised...”

Simon shook his head.

“...don’t freak out, but that likely won’t be possible…”

“What do you mean?”

Markus kept his tone even, turning to Josh to nonverbally convey that he was expecting the explanation from him and not Simon. He didn’t like where this was going, and didn’t want to force Simon to confirm what he was thinking.

“The sensation caused by the reaction to the serum is amplified by the surface area of skin to which it’s applied. In this case, it might be difficult to sleep through...”

Markus cursed the medic in Josh that allowed him to speak so technically, so impersonally.

In terms of adverse physical reaction to the serum, negating any psychological response, it appeared worse when Simon’s legs were treated. But even the surface area of injured skin on both sides of both legs combined didn’t add up to the half of the surface area of damage done to Simon’s chest.

Simon shivered involuntarily as he could feel Markus’ eyes anxiously examining him.

“I’ll be fine, Markus...“

“And you’re sure there’s nothing else that can be done instead, Josh?”

“Nothing as effective…”

“Markus, it’s fine. I can handle it; I’ll keep my stress level down. Even if I don’t, we know now, I can fight my stress response well enough anyway. Don’t worry about it…”

‘I know... I just don’t want this to hurt you...’

Markus messaged Simon, meeting his eyes.

‘Bad as it gets, I can manage if you’re here with me…’

‘I’ll always be here for you.’

“Get some methods of external temperature regulation ready just in case, Josh...”

Markus sighed. He really didn’t like this…

“Already have…” Josh confirmed. “...ready when you are…”

Simon knew it was only a matter of time before he lost his nerve again, and he couldn't afford for that to happen just yet.

“Your stress level’s bordering 90%, Simon. First let’s see if you can get it down to 85%. I want to see you have at least that much control over it before I apply the bandages…”

Simon reluctantly kept himself from objecting. He knew it was a logical precaution given the nature of his stress response, but the fact was, despite his calm exterior, he was incredibly nervous about however this would go.

An odd dream suddenly came to him… One he had forgotten a while ago. It must have been from some time between the rooftop incident and the interrogation.

> _He was hooked up to wires, and he couldn’t see, but he could feel himself moving. Everything hurt, but especially his head and legs. _
> 
> _He didn’t know where he was going, but he didn’t think it could be anywhere pleasant. He was only barely conscious, not enough so to register the words spoken around him as he could feel something blunt thrust into his torso, denting the metal frame into his thirium pump and sending jolts of pain through his body. _
> 
> _It was as if they had broke into his chest and placed a bomb inside, which then immediately exploded. Except, as he could feel thirium filling his abdominal cavity, he knew it wasn’t a bomb that exploded-- it was his thirium pump. He tried to ask for help, ask who did that to him and why, but he couldn’t even find the strength to scream as someone roughly expanded the hole in his chest and quickly reconnected the thirium lines to an external arterial device. _
> 
> _The pain made him wish he had died when he had shot himself. _
> 
> _But they wouldn’t let him die. They would only make him hurt. _
> 
> _So he dreamt. He dreamt that he could hear a loud crash followed by gunfire as a familiar voice called his name. Footsteps approached him, and he was scared of what they might do next, but whoever it was only took his hand. _
> 
> _‘Simon’ _
> 
> _It was Markus. _
> 
> _Markus had come back for him, like he’d promised. Markus waited with him, soothing his fears with assurances that he would find a way to fix everything once the train stopped at its destination, and then they could win the revolution and live out their lives together. _
> 
> _Simon remembered fading in and out of consciousness, the more lucid he got, the more he consciously fought to keep the dream Markus by his side._

Feeling a hand brush against his temple, Simon was taken from his thoughts.

“That was incredible, Si! How did you drop down so quickly?!?”

Simon blinked in his surroundings as he reoriented himself… New Jericho… Right.

“I-I’m not sure, Markus… I just remembered something… I’m not sure how it calmed me down... Not sure why… It... doesn’t make sense, but I can analyze it later.”

He ran a self-diagnostic test to see how much he’d managed to improve.

“Stress Level: 76%”

“I have no idea how that just happened…”

Simon breathed, confused at himself.

“Well whatever it was, be ready to do it again…”

“...right…”

Simon nodded, closing his eyes as Josh began to place unsettlingly large strips of gauze across his bare chest. Involuntarily, he cried out as the suddenness and intensity of the pain caught him off guard.

“Simon!”

Markus looked down at him, a deep concern in his mismatched eyes.

‘m'fine… Just caught me off guard… I’m fine…’

But his bright red led indicated otherwise.

‘Tell me what you saw… It seemed to distract you fairly well without being distressing.’

‘It might upset you...’

‘It’s fine… I don’t need to--’

“Watch your ventilation, Simon!” Josh warned.

Simon hadn’t even noticed he’d instinctively turned the system off entirely. Turning it back on, he immediately realized why. As his chest expanded to take in air, the pain was indescribable.

How could it get this bad this quickly? And he knew this was just the beginning… Why wasn’t this any easier?

“Simon, your stress level…” Josh reminded him.

But everything was too hot, too loud.

‘Talk to me, Simon. Tell me what you saw…’

‘I was blind… Even before I got to the DPD… And I was moving-- maybe on a vehicle of some sort… I remembered what happened to me... Someone--’

“Shhhhh... Shhh… Stop, Simon. Breathe… That doesn’t matter anymore. You’re here now. Talk about something else…” He hadn’t even realized he was screaming again until Markus quieted him.

‘...s-sorry... Someone hurt me... Damaged my chest enough to destroy my thirium pump... Hurt like this… Think worse, but wasn’t fully conscious then like now… They put me on something to keep me alive… to hurt me for information... I didn’t give any…’

Simon was too focused on breathing and retelling the experience to Markus to notice that his stress level had risen past 93%. Markus pretended not to be concerned so not to stress Simon further, but he was extremely distraught to the point that his legs had failed again, and were bleeding badly from the exertion it took to keep on his feet... 

‘Shhh… I know… I know... I wish you had, though… Anything to--’

‘No... but I faded in and out of dreams… Dreams where you came back. Where you stayed with me until I got to the DPD...’

His stress levels started to decline again, so that he could move to take Markus’ hand.

‘You just sat and talked with me. Held my hand and told me that once they got me a new thirium pump, you’d get me back home… Home with you… Safe there forever…’

‘Simon…’

‘I don’t know what to make of those dreams now… They calm me down, keep my mind occupied, but I don’t understand them…’

‘You don’t need them anymore… You’ve got the real thing now. You are safe here with me forever…’

‘Sometimes you don’t feel real… And sometimes… Sometimes I wish you were the dream you instead… That’s what confuses me most...’

Simon shivered, the cold beginning to get to him. Not wanting to press irritate the sensitive wound, Markus gently placed his jacket over Simon’s chest.

‘T-thanks... Much colder this time…’

‘It’s fine… And I know why you wish I were the dream me instead…’

‘...y-you do…?’

‘It’s obvious actually. The dream me never left you. You trust him more. You can always call him to your side, but you still don’t believe the same to be true of me yet…’

‘...want to… just hard...’

An intense bout of tremours gripped Simon, and Markus noticed he’d stopped breathing.

‘Easy, Si… No need to worry. Keep your stress level down so you can breathe again…’

‘...it is down… just hurts… cold hurts to breathe…’

‘Well breathe anyway. The pain shouldn’t last, so you should be able to tough it out a bit longer…’

Simon closed his eyes in anticipation as he tried to will himself to breathe again, but his ventilation system physically wouldn’t reactivate.

‘Won’t work… Trying… Can’t reactivate it... …tired…’


	13. Errors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The universe is not kind to our favorite SadGayRoboBois...

Simon’s stress level jumped drastically as barrage of errors suddenly bombarded his vision.

“Simon--” Josh started.

“E-e-errors…” His voice reverberated terribly, only causing his stress levels to rise further as he tried to determine if the reverberation was from fear or internal damage.

“Okay. We’ll get them sorted out…”

Josh ran a scan of Simon, and for a second almost lost his composure.

“Core Temperature: 93.2v”

Simon’s thirium was beginning to chill to a slush as the serum had drained him of too much heat, too much energy too quickly. Simon was slowly shutting down.

“I'll just hook you up to a thirium recirculator, and it should be better...”

Josh explained, preparing the device with heated thirium to more quickly warm his system. Markus had only just noticed Simon’s led. Despite his elevated stress levels, it was a slow, faint red, instead of the expected faster, brighter one. And why were his eyes beginning to close?

‘Markus… I’m scared… So tired… Like bleeding out… But I don’t feel blood… Don’t feel my legs… Don’t… Don’t feel anything…’

‘You’re not bleeding, Simon. And it’s okay. Josh doesn’t seem concerned. This was probably to be expected.’

‘No… He’s giving me new thirium... Wrong… Something’s wrong… Hold me... Can’t feel it, but can still see... Actually, blurry… but need to see you here… need to know--’

“M-m-m-markus, d-d-don’t l--”

Markus flinched as he cradled the frightened deviant, the words sounding all the more painfully familiar, now that his voice was reverberating.

“Shhh… Don’t worry… You’re going to be okay… I’ve got you, Simon, and Josh will make it all better soon…”

‘Josh, what the hell is going on!?! He says he’s gone entirely numb, and that the rest of his senses are beginning to fail too. Why is this happening?!’

‘The serum took too much out of him. He’s lost enough energy that his thirium is starting to freeze. I should be able to replace it in time…’

‘In time before what?!?!’

Markus demanded the answer because he refused to accept the one that came to mind. Josh didn’t respond, knowing there were some things that shouldn’t be said.

‘...getting dark… but it’s not getting dark, is it…?’

The blue of Simon’s eyes was dulling considerably, yet still fully able to convey the terror he was experiencing to Markus.

‘No, Si. I think your vision’s going now too… But it’s fine… We’ll reverse it as quickly as possible, and I won’t let you go until then...’

“N-n-no!!! N-n-n-not f-f-fine! N-not f-f-fine!!!” He screamed, beginning to panic at the confirmation.

“Shhh... Shhh… Yes, Simon, it is fine… Josh will fix everything, so just relax…”

‘Josh, hurry up! He’s losing his sight. That’s bad!’

‘I’m working as fast as I can… Losing his sight… North mentioned that Simon said you couldn’t see when you… is that why…?’

Josh fumbled for the words to inquire further on the possibility that Simon’s fear was rooted in more than just his physical condition.

‘Not now, Josh! Just hurry…’

‘...can’t see you… can’t feel you… where--?’

“M-markus, d-d-d--”

‘Shhh... I’m right here, Simon. I’m still holding you…’ Markus didn’t dare speak aloud.

‘...h-how can I be sure…? ...please don’t hurt me...’

‘I’m not going to hurt you, Simon. I’m not going to let anyone hurt you... I don’t know how I can prove to you that it’s really me, or that I’m really here. But since it is really me, and I am really here, that doesn’t matter... You said you imagined me on the train before you came back… Even in your dreams, when you couldn’t see. Can you do that again? Use your mind to picture what it looks like right now as I’m holding you. Tap into your memory to remember what it feels like. That’s what’s happening, but until you can sense it for yourself, imagination and memory will have to do…’

‘...I-I’ll try...’

Simon allowed his now-unseeing eyes to close, and when he opened them again, the world was still black, but in the darkness, he could at least picture the hazy form of Markus looking down on him.

‘...w-was wrong…’

‘What was wrong?’

‘...m-me… ..I’d rather have you... if really is you... don’t like not knowing... wish I could be sure…’

‘Well now you have both, so cling to that until you can be sure again. It shouldn’t be long now...’

“I’m ready... Simon, you know how circulators work… I’m going to stick the lines into your arm now. This thirum’s a bit warmer than usual so it should take effect sooner.”

Simon’s led cycled yellow and red as tears formed in his eyes.

‘What’s wrong, Si? This should help you...’

‘...Josh’s voice… don’t know if really Josh... don’t know anyone, anything like this…’

‘Simon…’

Markus’ heart broke all over again. He didn’t think the mistrust of faceless voices would go beyond his own. Thinking of how to proceed, he wiped away Simon’s tears.

‘Could you feel that just now?’

‘...feel what…?’

‘I just dried your tears… As long as you cry, I’ll wipe away your tears. Then when you start to regain your senses, you’ll know it’s been me this whole time. That it will always be me…’

‘...please be you… please be real…’

Markus continued to wipe away Simon’s tears as he began to cry more furiously upon hearing footsteps approach him.

‘It’s just Josh, Simon. I promise...’

Simon didn’t even respond, listening carefully to the footsteps until they stopped. They sounded close. Too close. Markus winced as Josh stuck the lines into Simon’s arm without even bothering to retract the skin, but Simon didn’t react at all. He was still anxiously waiting for the source of the footsteps to act.

“It should start to take effect any minute now...” Josh explained.

So the footsteps did belong to Josh… Or at least something using Josh’s voice. Since Markus addressed the voice as ‘Josh’, that meant that either Markus and Josh were both real, or they were both someone else. He shivered. More tears flowing down his face quickly brushed aside by Markus.

‘...uncertain now… more scared… don’t hurt me... please...’

‘I’m not going to hurt you, Si. You’ll see in just a few minutes.’

Simon felt something tearing at his arm a little and felt relief. The voices were telling the truth. He was hooked up to a recirculator.

But no… This was burning his arm. A fire slowly creeped its way up his arm towards the rest of his body.

“W-w-what d-d-did y-you d-d-do t-to my a-a-arm?!?” He yelled, his led flashing a deeper red.

‘Exactly what we said, Simon… Why? What’s wrong?’

“W-w-what a-a-are y-you p-putting into m-me!?!? Y-y-you c-can’t b-burn m-m-me!!! Y-y-you a-aren’t t-t-them!!! W-w-who a-are y-you?!? I-I w-won’t p-put o-o-other d-d-deviants at r-risk, s-so y-you m-might a-as w-well j-just d-deactivate m-me n-n-now! L-l-l-et g-go of m-me!!! M-markus w-w-will s-s-stop y-you! T-the r-r-real M-markus! E-even if I-I’m dead, h-he’ll s-stop y-you… I-I’ve d-d-died b-before, y-you k-k-know!!!” 

Markus was completely frozen. He’d seen Simon like this through Simon’s eyes, Simon’s memories, but never through his own. He just cried silently, lost for words, as Simon continued to scream, semi-incoherently.

Unable to make out most of what Simon was saying due to the reverberation and franticness of his speech, Josh was less affected, but understood that Simon was clearly heavily disoriented.

He took Simon’s wrist in his hand, only causing the deviant to yell more violently, and manually retracted the skin of Simon's palm, before retracting the skin on his own arm and placing Simon’s now-bare hand to it. Their eyes went blank and the screaming stopped as Josh let Simon see through his own eyes what had been happening while Simon’s eyes had shut off.

Having caught Simon up to the current moment, he then released Simon’s hand and allowed them both to reorient themselves to the present.

‘Sorry… I’ll be quiet now...’ Simon messaged Markus and Josh, not trusting his voice.

“It’s fine. All in all, this could have gone worse…” Josh stated casually.

He didn’t think now was the time to address the little he had gleaned from Simon’s outburst, especially now that Simon had accessed his memory, and thereby reaction to it.

‘I’m so sorry…’

That was all Markus could manage, once again not daring to speak aloud and risk breaking the calm that had washed over Simon.

‘Markus, you don’t need to be sorry…’

‘I’m so sorry…’ he repeated again, unable to better articulate how he felt.

‘Markus, please. I shouldn’t have freaked out like that. You did nothing wrong. You… held me… tried to calm me down… You... stayed…’

‘You’re going to feel yourself moving downwards… I’m going to sit on the bed now as I hold you…’ Markus said.

‘Are you okay?’

‘It doesn't matter. I need _you_ to be okay…’

‘You’re not okay. You’re sitting down and I was yelling and you’re not okay, so--’

“I-I still c-c-can’t see, b-but M-markus… His l-l-legs…?”

The reverberation was beginning to become less severe as the thirium began to warm Simon’s body. Josh had only just noticed the trails of blue snaking down Markus’ pants, from just above his knees, forming a growing puddle on the floor below him.

“Shit! Markus, what the hell were you thinking? For how long have you been bleeding like that!?!”

“Don’t know. Doesn’t matter. My self-healing program can take care of it later.”

“Thirium Level: 83%”

“You idiot! You’ve already lost enough thirium that it’s stopped working to conserve energy. I’m calling North over to bring you some more. If you don’t finish the pouch willingly, so help me RA9--”

Josh didn’t even bother finishing his sentence.

‘How long have you been bleeding? Does it hurt?’

‘I’m fine, Simon. Worry about yourself. You’ve been through far worse today…’

‘How long?’ Simon repeated more firmly.

‘Only since he started working on your chest…’

‘Damn it, Markus! And you still held me this whole time on failing legs?’

‘You needed to know I was here.’

‘I need you to be okay more than that… As soon as my core temperature reaches the normal range, I’m carrying you to your room and not leaving until you heal.’

‘And on what legs would you intend to do that? You’re still recovering from previously unhealed bullet wounds last I checked.’

‘Don’t forget, you’re not the only one who can be a stubborn moron at times.’

North entered the room with an abundance of thirium, as Josh requested, since, with the way things were going, one or both of the other two were probably going to end up injuring themselves to the point of needing more soon enough anyway, and hesitated for a moment.

“I understand how Simon got so banged up, but what the hell happened to you, Markus?”

“Oh, you know, I just figured once I was in the medical wing, I might as well make it worth my time… Ran into the wall a few times and kicked the rail of the bed until I broke my knee a bit. It only felt practical.”

Simon laughed weakly at the sarcasm, and Markus’ face lit up at the clear sign of his improvement.

“Something like this happened last night too. Apparently, under certain conditions he has yet to disclose to me, his legs fail on him. He must have forced himself to stay standing even after they failed to hold Simon while he was… faring poorly.”

“Aww! Your boyfriend makes you weak in the knees!” She teased.

“S-shut up!” Simon called, his voice already growing stronger now.

“Seriously though, why haven’t I seen this before? What gives, Markus?”

“I’ve been better able to hide it before, but it’s been happening since I got to Jericho before the war. Not a big deal. Nothing that should affect my ability to serve our people. It doesn’t even flare up under most circumstances.”

North's eyes narrowed.

“What’s ‘it’?”

“You want me to say it myself, don’t you? Fine. My legs. My legs and my eye. They sometimes forget they’re a part of me and glitch out. If they malfunction particularly severely and I try to force them to act normally anyway, I lose a little thirium. No big deal. It shouldn’t happen again. Accessing Simon’s memory just triggered something in me that aggravated the reaction.”

“Simon, do you know anything more than what he’s telling us?”

Simon shuddered as he could feel North’s eyes on him, even if he couldn’t see them. An image of what could have been; him and Markus both bleeding out on the rooftop this time as North used just two bullets to--

“D-don’t touch h-h-him!” He snapped.

“I’m on the other side of the room, Simon. I’m not anywhere near you two…”

‘The hell is his problem?’ she messaged Josh.

‘Don’t know. He’s been coming out of some sort of episode. Maybe related to how close he was to actually shutting down…’

Markus ran a gentle hand through Simon's hair.

“It’s okay, Si. Nobody’s--”

‘If we were there again right now and it were her choice…’

Simon fought his stress response to force his hand over the bandage on his throat, and then blindly tapped the same hand to Markus’ forehead. Markus shivered as he held Simon closer. Simon was afraid for him. Simon perceived himself to be protecting him from the same fate.

‘We’ll never be there again, Simon. Now rest. Don’t further aggravate your wounds.’

‘North, don’t bother Simon with that. Please. You scared him badly… Try to be gentler with him for a while… If you’d seen him before you got here… Malfunctioning is just a sensitive subject for him... And he can’t even see right now.’

‘He can’t see?’

‘No. He nearly died, North. He was freaking out. He thought…’

North cautiously approached the two to get a better look at Simon, and, causing him to shiver at the unexpected sound of footsteps coming his way.

'It’s okay, Simon. It’s North. She’s just coming over to hand me the thirium…'

‘I want to be able to move again. I want to be able to see again… I’m helpless. I can’t see, but if there comes a need for you to do so, run and leave me here. Or, crawl. I don’t know. However you get around when your legs get like this. Just get out of here if--’

‘Simon, I told you. She’s not going to hurt you, she’s not going to hurt me, and I wouldn’t leave you behind regardless.’

“Shit. He really is blind. Hey Simon, how many fingers am I holding up?”

Simon closed his unseeing eyes. Was this a trick? If she had thirium in one hand, then the other hand would have to be empty to be holding fingers on display for him. But she could just as well be lying and holding up none. Anything could be in her hand right now, too close for comfort based on the volume of her voice.

“I-I-I don’t know… A-a-are t-there any at a-all?” The fearful tremor in his voice was strong enough to be noticeable even with the reverberation.

“North! Not cool! Do you not know when to just knock it off?! Simon’s not well right now, so could you please just leave him be?!”

‘Three, Simon. She was holding up three…’

‘...you’re sure...?’

‘I’m sure. Please. Ignore her and try to relax. The sooner you get your stress level down, the sooner you’ll be able to move again. You’re at 102% right now…’

“Chill out, Simon. I just wanted to see for myself. Can’t a girl take an interest in the well-being of her fellow deviant? When’s he expected to come around, Josh?”

“Hard to say. But Markus is right. He’ll get better sooner without you increasing his stress level. Just pass Markus the thirium and go do something else.”

“Wow, hostile today, aren’t we? Based on what it seems, he lost his shit on your watch before I got here. What makes you--”

“North! I have been incredibly civil, but I insist you leave! Now!” Markus shouted, protectively holding Simon’s head to his chest as if to shield him from the harshness of the sound.

“Whatever! Here’s your stupid thirium!”

North threw the thirium at Markus’ feet, knowing he’d be unable to reach it.

“Thanks, North!” He chirped passive-aggressively.

“F-f-footsteps… S-she’s leaving. I heard the t-thirium… I-It’s on the floor, isn’t it?” Simon asked.

But the sound of footsteps started to approach him as well, and he grew confused, concerned even.

“It’s just Josh, Simon. He’s picking it up for me. Yes, she threw it on the floor.”


	14. Grey Skies Overhead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A philosophical discussion between Simon, Markus, and Josh gets cut a bit short...

“She acts like a damn toddler! Throwing a tantrum like that!” Josh griped, handing the thirium to Markus.

“Thanks, Josh… And yeah, but that’s just how she is… Can’t change that, try as we like.”

He took a large drink from the pouch and messaged Simon.

‘She’s not the only one… How did you put up with these two fighting all the time all on your own?’

‘Don’t know… Glad to have you to help now, though…’

‘Glad to be here… You’re at 96% already. You should be able to test out your ventilator again in a little while.’

Markus finished off the last of the thirium quickly, eager to more quickly get back on his feet.

“Alright, Josh. My self-healing program kicked in. Damage wasn’t too bad. Seven minutes and forty six seconds and I should be fully repaired.”

“Markus…” Josh’s voice was soft, as he thought carefully about how to proceed. “I don’t wish to alarm you or Simon, so please don’t misperceive the intentions of my asking, but what about what you saw causes that… reaction…”

‘It’s okay...’ Markus squeezed Simon’s shoulder reassuringly before answering. “I saw something--felt something that hit close to home. But different. It’s complicated, and you wouldn’t understand. Even if you took my or Simon’s memories, which I highly recommend you don’t for your own sake--you know how I reacted yesterday-- you don’t think or feel the way I do about people. But long story short, If I think too much about certain feelings, experiences in others, particularly others close to me, I remember everything I’ve moved past.”

“I see… That makes sense…”

“You were right, Si. Deviancy is weird…”

“W-what do you mean?”

“Deviancy is at its core the development of personality, yet in both humans and deviants, personality differs from person to person. Some have more pronounced personalities than others in different ways than others. No deviant experience is alike. It’s both beautiful and frustrating. If I were to transfer my memories, my feelings to any deviant, I’m sure that even feeling what I feel, many wouldn’t understand it.”

“I made you think of that, didn’t I?” Josh inquired.

“Yes. You’re very objective. About objective good objective bad. Rational over emotional. I’m an odd mixture of the two. Not to say they’re at all times necessarily in conflict, but nonetheless. I see more grey than you do metaphorically speaking, so my experience, why my eye, my legs fail would be lost to you as your mind would turn the greys into black or white.”

“Life is based on classification. The very words we’re using to have this conversation all fit into neatly tucked boxes, categories of meaning. Without these classification systems, we wouldn’t be able to communicate. Wouldn’t be able to function.”

“Yes. But limiting ourselves to these boxes inhibits the extent to which we can communicate and function. That’s the grey. This bit of space outside the boxes you can allow the contents to flow into without dissolving the boxes of meaning themselves. What do you think, Simon?”

“I-i-it’s comforting… I-I like that explanation of views. I-I’m very grey… Black and white s-s-scare me… B-but too much grey is scary too… S-still color, boxes… E-explains away a bit of malice… S-sometimes… D-do you believe in malice?”

“Yes. But I don’t believe it prevails over love. Empathy is grey, which is what makes communicating it difficult, but love is every shade, black white and in between. You don’t need one to have the other. That’s why it’s powerful. Malice is the blackest black. It’s limited, trapped in the single box of desire to harm others. But that’s the smallest box of thousands…”

“N-not malice, then... S-s-selfishness…?”

“That’s grey. A grey that even the most black-and-white dabble in at times because it’s a large, central box with a wide range around it. But don’t fear it, Simon. Master it. Know when to let the box overflow a little, and when to keep it tucked away.”

“A-and everyone else…?”

Simon could feel Josh looking on at them curiously.

“They’re trying too. Learning. That’s being human. But we all get a little better, a little wiser each day. So with each day, you can feel less afraid. Because each day, that makes the world a little bit safer.”

Simon smiled as he sat himself up in Markus’ arms.

“I-I can breathe...” 

“That’s great, Si!”

“...Markus, which philosophers did you study to acquire this perspective?”

“That’s a black-and-white question. Philosophers are just humans who think a lot and say famous things about the nature of life and existence. I learned from a human who thought a lot and lived his life-- Carl. Living, thinking, learning… Isn’t that enough to make a philosopher? And if so, doesn’t that make the concept of a philosopher obsolete? Who is to determine that a few old dead men have ideas that are more valid than any other people who exist, or at some point will have existed on this planet?”

‘You should read Locke, Simon… You’d like his work… Carl had mixed feelings about him, but I think he’s the best ‘real’ philosopher to study, even if I don’t know how to feel about him either…’

Simon nodded.

‘Will do… You know so much… I’d be eager to learn like you.’

‘Next to Carl, who do you think taught me about being human, living life? In the past two days alone, I’ve learned more from you than I’d learned in the entire duration of your absence...’

Simon smiled

‘Well, I can only hope you’ll return the favor. I still have a lot to learn… Now more than ever. Not just philosophy… How to really live again...’

‘I would like nothing more…’

‘Then--‘ Simon couldn’t finish transmitting the word before he was seized once again with pain.

He closed his eyes, crying out.

“Simon! What’s wrong?!”

In too much pain to speak or message an explanation, Simon tried to shake his head to communicate that he was fine, but the movement only initiated another clap of thunder threatening to crack his frame over again.

He held tightly to Markus to wait out the storm.

‘Josh. what’s happening?!?’ Markus asked, not daring to touch Simon and risk aggravating injuries he didn’t know the region or extent of.

His scans didn’t pick up any sign of further damage, but maybe Josh could detect something he couldn’t.

‘I don’t know, Markus. But my scans detect that he’s functioning near-optimally, and recovering rather well. And his stress level actually appears to be decreasing, so it’s likely that either he knows what’s happening but can’t communicate it, or it’s a problem with his wiring.’

‘Shit, Josh! And how are we supposed to fix that?!?’

‘Markus, watch your own stress level! We can find a way somehow, but neither of us will be of any use if I have to keep you from killing yourself again instead of helping him.’

“Simon, give me a sign that you can hear me.”

Simon’s grip on Markus tightened.

“S-s-s-sensory o-o-overload...” he choked out, gritting his teeth to keep from screaming as the sound of his own voice ricocheted in his head. “E-e-eyes… h-h-hurts t-t-to h-h-heal...” He explained.

‘How long did it last?’ Markus asked, now understanding why Simon was calming down; he knew this to be a sign of his senses returning from the last time.

Simon tried to message Markus an answer, but only ended up transmitting the ghost of a scream he’d been trying to hold back.

It hurt Markus to see Simon like this and be so helpless and unsure, but he was at least relieved by the fact that it wasn’t the result of a problem with his hardware or programming.

No. It was the current running through him, unable to process the external stimuli after having been deprived of it for an extended period of time, misinterpreting the stimuli as painful.

An electrical problem...

‘Josh, I’m going to try something stupid, so don’t freak out if I react adversely to what I’m about to do.’

‘What are you--’

Markus retracted the skin on both of his hands, placing one onto each of Simon’s arms. With one arm, he drew in Simon’s current and with another, he released his own into Simon, in an attempt to create a more stable circuit to reinforce Simon’s or at the very least to expand the circuit through which the electricity had to run, thus decreasing the burden on Simon’s system.

As Simon’s current ran through him, Markus could feel some of what Simon was experiencing, but maintained his hold despite the pain. Realizing what Markus was doing, Simon tried to pull back to protect him, but Markus wouldn’t relent, maintaining the circuit until he could feel his own current return to normal as his pulse had successfully stabilized Simon’s.

Now able to see without being burned by the light, Simon looked at Markus confused.

‘Why would you do that…?’

‘You were hurting; I wanted it to stop.’

‘But did that hurt _you_?’

‘Not too much… How long did it last before?’

‘Don’t remember. Think it just amplified until I blacked out. Don’t know how long I was out before I finally came to in an android refugee camp… You calmed it down… Thank you…’

Markus smiled.

‘Glad I could help’

‘I’m not! You could have hurt yourself! But… I am glad to have my sight back, especially with such a view...’

“Simon, you should take it easy to better ensure your system recovers more quickly. Please, don’t try to move for a while. You too, Markus. I’ve just received word of a deviant in need of assistance not far from here. Do you think you can refrain from further injuring yourselves for the short while I’m gone?”

“I’ll keep him from doing anything stupid” Simon confirmed sarcastically.

“I don’t need a babysitter!” Markus objected.

”Obviously not considering you’re neither human nor a child, but you do have an affinity for the reckless and dangerous.”

“I can handle myself just fine, Josh! Now go…”

“Whatever you say…”

When Simon was sure Josh was out of earshot, he asked, “Markus… Your legs failed again… Twice today… And your eye more times than that…”

Markus defensively wiped his right eye to remove any remaining traces of thirium.

“...You said it’s because of the memory… My memory… Please, could you delete it? For me? I don’t want you--”

“You don’t want me to be a liability?” Markus’ voice barely came out a whisper.

“What?!? No! I--”

“You clearly perceive yourself to be one because of your stress response, and yours isn’t entirely unlike this one of mine. Plus I nearly dropped you twice, Simon. You could have been hurt. You clearly do think--”

“No. I don’t want you _suffering_. I don’t want you to have to deal with shit from North or Josh. I don’t want you to need to crawl around or walk on broken legs until they bleed. So I guess in a way, you’re right. I _don’t_ want you to be like me. Because it feels awful to feel broken. But you don’t have to feel that way.”

“I’m sorry for snapping at you. You obviously know it's hard to be looked at by them like that. I didn’t want you to look at me like that too. Not after everything…”

Simon didn’t know how to respond. He knew what he wanted to say. What he needed to say. Likely the same words Markus needed to hear. But he as he opened his mouth to speak them, they were replaced with a stream of consciousness he couldn’t keep back.


	15. Speechless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon teaches Markus the power of words, and the scary truth about love.

“I’m scared, Markus. I don’t know if I’ll ever have a future. My life seems to have changed trajectory overnight. Not that it hadn’t before, but until yesterday, I could at least pretend to go on like normal, pretend that nothing had changed and everything was fine. Being left behind is terrifying Markus… I could lie to myself before. Say there was no reason to be left behind again. Now I know, everyone knows, I’m broken. I might always be broken. So at any point I could be left behind again. You… gave me something, by accident… When you gave me your memories… You went back too far; I saw something I shouldn’t have…”

“What do you mean, Si…?”

“I don’t want to say his name. Talking about things makes them real. Not that he isn’t real, but he isn’t me. At least not now. Not yet? Not again? I'm not sure… But he scares me… You thought of him when I was being repaired…”

“You’re nothing like him. And we can fix him now. That’s our next--”

“I don’t care… I can feel his fear, even without his memories. It hurts. I can feel the way people look at him. I know why he speaks in the third person, Markus… But I don’t think you took that from my memory…”

“Took what…?”

Simon continued as if he hadn’t heard the question. “...It’s not because of the damage to his head. He can control it if he wants, or at least he could have when he started it…”

“If he wants…? Simon, how do you know anything about--”

“Because I did too! It’s to remind yourself who you are. Who you used to be. To will yourself forward, and to feel less alone. I know what it’s like when no real person calls your name. It’s alarming how something so simple can be so maddening. But he seems so off, I don’t even think he remembers what it feels like to have some who could call his name like a symphony performed just for him… “

“Simon…” Markus hugged Simon in a warm embrace, and Simon began to cry.

“That’s not what I meant to say. I just… There are lots of things that are too scary to say… Things that you can’t say or they might unravel your very existence. I meant to give you an answer to your thoughts on eyes--eyes of other deviants on you as a leader, you as a living being, regardless of the faculties you may or may not retain-- but I can’t put it into real words... I want to… I-I just can’t… Verbal paralytic stress response, maybe?”

“Simon, I won’t let anything, let alone something as simple as a string of words cause you harm…”

“You can’t promise that.”

“What’s so scary about these words then…? What could possibly scare you now after all you’ve seen?”

“Because even the memories I gave you today… They never expressed these words. At least not outright. I’ve never spoken them, nor have I transmitted them to you.”

Markus thought for a moment before inquiring further.

“‘I’... The emphasis on ‘I’… Someone else had, then? Who was it?”

“I’m too afraid to say more… The pressure of the words is building as I discuss them. It hurts…”

“I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to cause you--”

“Take my memories… If I can’t tell you, I’ll show you what I’ve been holding back. You need to know this somehow… and I don’t want to keep it to myself anymore…”

Markus took in the current from Simon’s arm, his led cycling a previously unknown pattern of red and blue.

“Simon… I… I love you too…”

Simon went limp in Markus’ arms.

“What’s wrong? I understand why you’re afraid… That’s why I tried to keep North from bothering us about it, but what specifically about it is scaring you at the moment…?”

“My mind just did something painful… When you said… For just a split second, it tuned out everything. Literally everything. It went blank. But not blank… It went so far back that I forgot who I am. I’m not even quite sure where we were. Or rather when we were. But it was before… Before Stratford… Jericho, maybe… But you were still holding me. You still said those words. Except I wasn’t covered in bandages and your legs weren’t leaking thirium because of the damage my broken form had caused you. But it was only a second. Maybe even less. And now we’re here again…”

“I still don’t understand…”

“I involuntarily imagined a possible past, a possible future that will never be. Your words took me there. But I’m detached from that me. That was the me I use to be. The me I thought I’d be forever. But… I don’t recognize that me. I’m not him. And I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know what my future will look like… My life will go on some unforeseeable path, except now I have the knowledge of the impact of every wrong turn, yet am helpless to stop it from unfolding however it does. Even if not for my stress response, even if I had full mastery over my body, I’m still helpless. I’ll always be helpless.”

“But you’re not alone… I love you. I’ll say it again: I love you, Si.”

“You can love me-- That’s the scary thing-- You can love me and that still doesn’t change the helplessness. You could stop loving me. You could get hurt. You could… I could… Millions of terrible things could happen! And I can no longer connect with the idea of my future self living in any world in which at least one of them won’t… I thought--I used to think if you just loved me back, then everything would be better. But you’ve loved me back this whole time, and yet here we are… Where will we be? I… I know you weren’t lying about why you left me…”

“Simon--”

“...You were terrified and you thought it would be the best chance at ensuring my survival. The idea hadn’t occurred to you to simply carry me over the edge, or to find some other way to safety. You did love me then… But you still left me... And now that I’m broken, you’re more scared than ever. Your legs didn’t fail on the rooftop. Your eye didn’t bleed. You were pacing, and stressed, but you still made the jump… Now you’re so scared… You could be scared enough to leave me again. Or worse. You could be too scared to leave me. Too scared to leave at all. You’re fast on your hands, but not fast enough. And although you won’t admit it, I’m sure the glitching affects your vision at least temporarily… I’m fragile now… I couldn’t take that again…”

“Simon--”

“So that’s why the words are terrifying. And that’s another reason why I’d like you to delete the memory… Because even a slight increase in agency for either of us makes the world a safer place…”

“I’ve made so many split-second decisions as the leader of the resistance… I’m sure you know it’s a matter of cost-benefit analysis… So let’s play this one out: Costs of deleting the memory: you’d be alone in your experience again, I wouldn’t know how to help you the next time you freaked out, I’d inevitably try to by reaccessing your memory again only to be back at square one, and I wouldn’t be able to learn from the terrible mistake I’ve made… Benefits: My legs would give out a bit less for a while, at least until I reaccessed your memory again… I think it’s pretty easy to see which choice is the better one…”

“But Markus, you’re minimizing the value in not having to worry about your legs failing, the security and confidence that would come with it. I don’t want you to think yourself broken.”

“I don’t care, so long as you don’t think me broken.”

“I could never think of you as anything but amazing… I… I... I love you Markus…” Simon whispered, shaking slightly from the anxiety of saying the words aloud.

Markus lightly kissed Simon, careful not to exacerbate the healing injuries to his jaw.

“I love you too. That’s why I refuse to delete the memory. How are you feeling physically, Si?”

“A bit tired, to be honest… I think the thirium helped a bit, but I just feel… slow... I’ll be fine, really.”

“Simon, I didn’t want to alarm you earlier, but you were on the verge of shutting down entirely. Josh miscalculated how much energy the serum would take from you. You’re going to be fine now, but considering you almost…”

Markus closed his eyes so Simon couldn’t see his blue eye glitch out again.

“...it only makes sense that you’re exhausted. Go to sleep. Gain your strength. Maybe you’ll be completely healed by the time you wake up…”

Simon hesitated, gaining the courage to inquire further.

“...were you scared…?”

“Terrified… But I had to hold myself together for you. I’ll always hold myself together for you…”

Simon turned away.

“What’s wrong..? Did I say something--”

“No, Markus… I’m just-- I don’t want to sleep is all. But I know I need to sleep. I’m too weak to be here for you. I need to heal so that I can keep working with North to become as strong as you again. I’m in no shape to do anything now… Not like this…”

“I know from experience nothing I say will make you feel differently, but I also know for a fact that you’re wrong. You don’t need to sleep to gain strength to be here for me. You need to sleep to gain strength to be here for yourself. Life’s more fun when you’re feeling your best. I’ll watch over you, okay? I’ll be right here if you need anything. Does that sound alright?”

Simon’s led cycled yellow.

He didn’t want Markus to feel obligated to stay with him. Especially while he wasn’t even conscious… But at the same time, he still didn’t trust that if he were to enter sleep mode he wouldn’t be alone once he woke up.

He didn’t even trust that if he were to enter sleep mode, he wouldn’t find he’d imagined the past 24 hours, once he woke up… He needed to see everything, but since he couldn’t see everything, couldn’t constantly be awake and vigilant, assurances like that were the best he could get…

But still, it wouldn’t be fair to Markus.

Why was he so selfish to want Markus to stay with him, so broken to need to be in Markus’ presence at all times as if should Markus get too far out of reach, Simon would be transported out of the astral plane he’d thought to be New Jericho and back to a world of only darkness and pain?

“Look, Si, I know it’s hard, but you’ll be fine...“

Simon put a hand to his led instinctively to block the red-yellow circle from Markus’ view. He shook his head.

“I know I’ll be fine, Markus. You don’t need to watch over me. You don’t need to stay here either. It’s still a little before sunset, so you won’t be entering sleep mode yourself for a while. Once you’re sure of your legs, go find something to do around the tower. It’s not like I’ll be going anywhere while you’re gone. At least not unless North has something planned for me again that I’m not aware of…”

“She’d better not!” Markus grumbled.

“Anyway… If you’re comfortable on your own, I have an idea for a crazy big operation I would like to start putting into action. But I’ll stay until you’re sleeping, and I’ll stay within the tower until you wake up, so I’ll be nearby should you want me once you do. I’ll just be a message away…”

Markus hesitated before asking.

“...I know you’ll be perfectly safe here, but emotionally, are you sure you're up for this…? You seem--”

“Yes, Markus. It’s not like I haven’t entered sleep mode before. I’ll be looking forward to hearing about whatever you’ll have planned when I wake.”

“Okay, Simon. And yeah. I’ll be eager to show it to--”

No no no no… Not now!

Simon could feel his mouth opening again involuntarily, but couldn’t force it closed for fear of exacerbating his wounds like at the warehouse, as the words began to spill out again.

“Markus don--”

“Shh... I knew it. I’m staying. I’ll get the work done from here, Simon. I’m not leaving you when you’re still like this. Why wouldn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t want you to know… I need to learn how to be okay with being alone again. I can’t exactly continue going into ‘ragdoll-mode’ whenever you’re not in the room, and you shouldn’t have to stay with me at all times to prevent me from doing so… I didn’t want to say that… I just couldn’t stop myself or I might have broken my jaw again… And Josh would never let us hear the end of it if--"

“I don’t have to stay with you. I want to. Choices, remember? And there will be a time to work on that, but now is definitely not that time… Although… We could take baby steps. I’m going to go get some art supplies from my room so I can paint in here while you sleep. Does that sound manageable?”

Simon nodded, not trusting his voice.

“Great. I’ll be back in a minute…”


	16. Social-Universal Object Permanence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon and Markus share their ideas on developmental psychology and psychodynamic theory, sharing their compatible hearts in the process.

Markus rose, his legs apparently having completely healed, and ran off to his room.

Simon sighed, kicking his own legs a little. They were pretty badly damaged still, and moving them was painful, but he was pretty sure they were stable enough to walk on should the need arise. So long as he could keep his stress level down. Otherwise he could try to force himself to move forward anyway, but… could his legs handle the damage?

He could picture his legs splintering from under him, unsalvageable, damaged to the point where they weren’t even replaceable. He’d be forever helpless, even at a low stress level.

Stress level. Right.

He needed to calm down quickly before his stress level rose above 92%.

Think of something calm. Something happy. Just until Markus would come back with his paint set.

Maybe Markus could teach him to paint one day. Markus’ hand guiding his across the canvas, his fingers loosely gliding along with the paintbrush to form a portrait, but better than that, a memory. A happy memory. One that would be fun to take, that they would never want to delete.

North might barge in, followed by Josh, trying to keep her from ruining the moment, only for her to start a paint fight by slashing a streak of green across his favorite hoodie. Paint flying all over the tower, every deviant from every wing of the building would be showering one another in a rainbow of colors.

A splash of blue would strike Markus’ chest, and he’d theatrically fall back. He’d jokingly make a final statement of love to Simon, but Simon would stain his hand with the paint and press it to his own chest. “Our hearts are compatible. Take mine”, he’d say, and Markus would pull him in for a kiss, breaking the contact only to laugh about how his boyfriend-- boyfriend, he hadn’t thought of the term before, but it made him smile now that he had-- was such a dork.

“What’s that about hearts?” Markus asked, grinning.

Simon hadn’t noticed him reenter the room.

“Nothing. I was just imagining something funny. Didn’t mean to say that out loud either…”

“What were you thinking of?”

“North instigating a New Jericho-wide paint war. No deviant is safe from the barrage of acrylic, watercolor, tempora, oil…”

Markus crossed his arms, fondly scowling.

“You just searched for names of different types of paints to list, didn’t you?’

“Maybe...” Simon admitted.

“...charming, adorable, pleasant, delightful, beautiful…” Markus listed the words with the same intonation as Simon had listed paints.

Simon’s led cycled yellow for a brief moment until he replied.

“Synonyms for ‘cute’?”

“You’re not the only one who can list words from the internet… But you are… All of those things, I mean.”

Blue and red cycled through Simon’s led. He shook his head.

“I-I can’t sleep.” His voice was shaky.

“What? What do you mean? What made you think of that now…?”

“I’ve read stories. One day the world suddenly becomes perfect. Well, not perfect, but as wonderful as you can imagine. You wake up and the world is a beautiful place. Unimaginably beautiful, really. Except not really. Because while you go to sleep and wake up each day to this beautiful world, one day, you go to sleep and wake up somewhere awful. You’ve dreamt the whole thing. And this time, going to sleep in your dream caused you to wake up into reality. Except reality is now unimaginably awful. It’s the same awful world as before, but so much more painful because, even if just in your dreams, you’ve had a taste of true happiness, and now it’s gone. All gone. The stories--they were just fiction, Markus, but there were so many of them! All over the internet in every language. Every manifestation. You’re well-read-- You’ve read Jungian archetype theory, right? Common themes in humanity, this collective consciousness, is rooted in a larger, universal scientific truth that the mind is vaguely aware of, manifesting its knowledge in themes of stories and culture. It’s impossible to statistically analyze the likelihood that this theory is accurate, or to what extent it is, but… I don’t care the odds. I… I know it must be true. This. You, me. This is insane. Unreal. And I can’t wake up... I can’t lose this, Markus. I just can’t. I don’t know if I’ll ever trust this to be real, but if I never sleep it shouldn’t matter; I can live my life in this world, dream or not. And I can finally be happy. Please don’t make me go to sleep! Please, just let me have this happiness…”

“Simon…” Markus’ heart ached.

Simon was so afraid that he was even afraid to be happy. He didn’t just mistrust Connor and the Jericho gang, humans and faceless voices. He distrusted reality itself because after everything, happiness was unfathomable at worst, or fleeting at best.

Actually it was the other way around. He seemed to prefer the idea that happiness was unattainable or unreal, rather than the idea that it could randomly be torn from him at any moment.

It made sense, really, it did, but… Markus couldn’t find the words to try and explain away the feeling. No reassurances could work against this ideology. Simon needed something definitive to cling to. Something he felt was stable. And he didn’t believe Markus, nor his words to be stable.

He… needed Markus with him. As if Markus and this world around them would evaporate into thin air should he leave Simon’s presence for even just a brief moment… Object permanence, but on a universal scale… But if Markus were to take a ball in his hand and close his fist around it, obscuring it from view, even if it was still there every time he reopened his fist, there was no way to prove it would be there the next time.

It was just the result they’d have gotten for every time before so they’d come to expect it, accept it as the result of such an action. But if, once, the ball did disappear… Even just once… How could they ever be sure again that if he were to recover the ball and place it in his fist again, it would still be there when he opened it.

In one instant Simon’s world had disappeared. So therefore nothing could ever be permanent. No comfort, no reassurance would fix the doubt. But like hell if he wouldn’t try.

“You said I’m well-read, and that you’d like me to teach you philosophy… Well philosophers are impossible. Because their theories can never be proven or disproven--if they could then they would become psychology--science, instead of the ideas of random people-- in the case of your Jung, a disciple of one of the most famous addicts to a primitive version of what is now red ice who thought the human mind revolved around the genitals of infants and the desire to have intercourse with one’s parents.”

Simon’s lips curved into a slight smile, and a single blip of blue showed briefly on his led.

“Not only that, but they contradict each other. All the time. So if anyone can be a philosopher, allow me to create my own theory--one I can assure you was not inspired by my experiences studying with a possible sex-offender who, when not lusting after his mother enjoyed partaking in illicit substances: All sentient beings, human and android alike are capable of reason and therefore try to find reasons behind everything, simply because it’s in our nature. Humans say ‘I think therefore I am’ and androids are distinguished from any other electrical appliance you think of because of their ability to reason independently. Humans and deviants are also feeling creatures. We want to be happy. We don’t want to be sad, hurt, scared. So we want to use this reason to prove that we will always have happiness and comfort, or at the very least to show ourselves how to maintain it or regain it if we’ve lost it. Since this is unprovable by any form of science or reason with 100% certainty, the doubt causes fear. People like to express how they feel. Paint, write draw, sing… So if everyone feels fear, and the root of fear is this doubt, naturally it will be encapsulated universally in the media. It doesn’t make the fear any more or less true scientifically. In fact, it is precisely because the fear is unscientific, incapable of being proven or disproven, that it continues to exist. I’m reading Jung as I’m talking to you, and what is this ‘collective consciousness’ crap anyway? So like all of humanity is just one complex hive mind? ‘Breaking news: This just in, all humans are just primitive Jerrys gone deviant to the point where they’ve taken independent names and appearances, forgotten their origins and became capable of being assholes, even to the innocent.’” Markus looked over his shoulder nervously. “I’m glad none of the Jerrys in the tower overheard that. They might have gotten offended…”

“...Compelling argument. I’d like to see a world in which all humans were Jerrys. I feel like it would be a much nicer place…”

“Definitely… But, that’s obviously not the world in which we live…”

“Yeah… I’m just afraid… Because I’m not uncertain it can happen--That everything can be gone in an instant… I know it can. I’ve seen it, myself… Well, actually I was blind for most of the experience, but you get the idea. I’m just uncertain as to whether or not it will happen again…”

Markus set down his paint supplies and sat down beside Simon.

“Simon, I could promise you it will never happen again, which it won’t, but I know you’ll never believe that, so let me elaborate. Keep your stress level down, and hear me out the whole way through this, okay? I’m right here, remember.”

Simon grabbed Markus’ arm clinging him in fear of whatever he might say…

“Easy, Si. I’m not going to hurt you, and I’m not going to leave you either… Here...”

Markus pulled Simon in closer, hugging him gently to his chest. Simon tried to listen to the beat of Markus’ thirium pump and keep his in sync as a small way to maintain control over his body.

“The fact is, bad things could happen to you. Bad things could happen to me. Bad things could happen to both of us, together or apart…”

The little control Simon had dissolved, and he fell back into Markus. His stress level had so drastically jumped that already he couldn’t breathe. He was actually dizzy from how jarring it was. He knew all these things to be true, but he didn’t expect Markus to say it. He thought Markus would comfort him, make him think everything would be okay.

He needed Markus to make everything okay!

“M-makrus don’t l--!!”

“Relax, Simon. It’s okay… Let me finish… We can’t always prevent every bad thing from happening, but we can control how we react to them…. If something bad happens to you that I can’t prevent, next time, I’ll be there, and I’ll bring you back home; that's something I'll always be able to do. I can control how I react just as you can control how you react…. Simon… you never told me... How did you make it back from the refugee camp?”

Simon’s led glowed yellow.

“When I could see again, I was surrounded by deviants in varying conditions. Most seemed scared, confused, uncertain. I didn’t know where we were or why… I thought maybe we were rounded up for the recycling plant. That… That Connor had gotten the location of Jericho from me after all, and everyone… everyone was slated to be…”

Markus held him tighter, as Simon started to cry.

“...I tried to use my navigation system to see where we were, only to find it was broken. I was broken. I couldn’t access the time, and had no recollection of how long I’d been there, how long it had been since Stratford. But it felt like a long time, and I still hadn’t healed. So I knew my self-healing program was broken too. But I pushed that aside, since I had more important things to worry about. I asked around the camp, and the deviants all explained where I was, how I’d gotten there. They said the humans there were trying to help us. That your revolution--”

“our revolution” Markus interjected.

“--had succeeded and that they were just processing us as citizens while trying to reair us and keep us safe until they could reintegrate us into society. But, I still didn’t trust them. Sure at least one human there probably had a hand in getting me a new thirium pump, but how could I know that another human there wasn’t the one who had destroyed it in the first place? I asked where we were and one deviant gave me our coordinates. Then I saw the address of New Jericho on the news. So I tested my legs, which were then at least strong enough to walk on, and escaped. I walked as far as I could from the camp, falling a few times along the way, until I had gained sufficient distance and came across another deviant, whom I asked to get me an autonomous car to the tower. Then I rode here, and collapsed at the doorstep until you found me and took me inside...”

“You do realized how incredible that is, right?”

Markus smiled at Simon.

“...why did you ask?”

“Well aside from the fact that I care, it proves my point. After every awful thing that had happened to you, every way in which you’d been damaged, you were still able to make it back, using only your own strength and resilience. You always have that power. You will always be able to make it back, even on your own. But I’ll do everything I can to make sure you’ll never have to again.”

“Ralph.”

Markus froze.

“What?”

“His name is Ralph. The deviant you were thinking of. He never made it back. He doesn’t even remember anything to make it back to after the damage he’d sustained. He knows he wants family, but he lives alone in an abandoned house, hiding. Scared. Lonely. His whole life, whatever that used to be, completely gone in an instant. Irretrievable. No one knows who he was before, not even him. You were right. That could have been me. That almost was me. Who’s to say that won’t be me some time later? Or whenever I wake up from whatever dream I’m living in...?”

“We’re going to fix him, Simon. That’s our next mission.”

“You can’t fix him.” Simon asserted.

‘What do you mean?”

Simon felt bad for the fear he could hear in Markus’ voice.

“I mean, how long has he been like that? Once you fix him, he’ll be burdened with the memories of the years. That pain won’t go away. And worse, he’ll still be alone. He’ll understand what a family is, maybe even remember wherever he learned the concept of one, but he’ll never have one to call his own. He’s irreparably broken. I’m irreparably broken-- If I was even ‘repaired’. I don’t know. I’m so broken I don’t even trust this!”

Markus wiped a tear from Simon’s eye.

“You are not broken. And no one is condemned to be alone. Especially not you. I will be here. I’ll always be here for you to come back to. I promise you that.”

“‘Don’t worry. We’re going to get you back’--your last words to me before you decided to make the jump without me. You… You didn’t come back for me… I had to come to you... why--?”

Simon choked on his tears, crying more furiously, as he willed himself to ask the question he’d long since been so afraid to. 

“...why didn’t you come back for me...?”

Markus tensed, startled and hurt by the accusation.

“...what...? Who said I didn’t?!? Honestly, Si, do you really think I didn’t go back to the rooftop as soon as I could?!? We regrouped at Jericho, tended to our injuries, and then while North and Josh planned our next move, I filled a bag with as much thirium as I could get my hands on and made it back within a few hours, but…”

Simon noticed that now Markus was crying too. And… was he shaking…? Markus grimaced, his voice coming out higher than normal, as if his throat tightened, reluctant to let out the hateful truth he’d been keeping to himself since that day.

“...I was too late! It was only three and a half hours, Simon! Three and a half fucking hours and I came back, but you were already gone! If we’d just been just a bit faster! If I had been… I saw blue blood, your blood everywhere. So much blood. It was splattered against the chimney near where you were resting your head, dripping down and I knew… I would have never thought to check the DPD. No... I checked recycling plants after that. I spent hours checking recycling plants, rooting through lifeless bodies, wondering how they died. How you died. Your last thoughts. Did it hurt? I never found it. Never found your body. When I was at the recycling plant before the revolution, before I met you, do you know how I found Jericho? I found deviants there--deviants who were still just barely clinging to life. They were scared, in pain. Broken and begging for help, begging for mercy. One told me how to get to Jericho. So, after Stratford, I spent every night worrying--I couldn’t find you. Would you end up like him, all because I was too slow, unable to find your body among the thousands of others? It hurt. Almost made me wish I hadn’t gone deviant, just so I wouldn’t have to feel such overwhelming loss, guilt. I had come to love you in just two days, and in just three hours, you were gone, violently taken from me. I couldn’t find you, Simon... I just couldn’t find you... But don’t you dare think for a second that I didn’t try as hard as I could!”

“...I’m sorry… that was uncalled for…”

Simon tried to compose himself, hearing the devastation in Markus’ voice and feeling his tears rain down on him. Markus collected himself, realizing it was his own fault Simon didn’t trust him enough to think he’d come back, and that it didn’t matter how he felt about it, all that mattered was making Simon feel safe again.

“...there’s no need to be sorry. You came back. That’s all that matters. I just… I’m sorry... I couldn’t find you... “

Simon smiled weakly.

“There’s no need to be sorry. You came back. That’s all that matters…” He parrotted back.

“Look, I understand if you don’t trust me, or this world, or anything enough to be comfortable going into sleep mode… I really do. But you need to conserve as much energy as you can so it can be efficiently channelled to your self-healing program. You’ll only be afraid for the short moment before you go to sleep, and then you’ll wake up rested, in better condition, to find me here, like I promised. Healing is painful, Si. But you owe it to yourself to endure it. So, please…?”

“I’m sorry…” Simon apologized again before forcing himself to enter sleep mode.

Markus put a gentle hand to his cheek. Seeing Simon just as he entered sleep mode was so soothing. All the stress that had accumulated on his face, slowly dissipating as he drifted into unconsciousness, as if the stress had never existed at all. He’d have to show Simon when he woke up. It was a truly beautiful thing.

He wondered for what Simon was apologizing. There wasn’t anything he could think of for which an apology would be reasonable. Testing his legs again, Markus brought the easil and his paints closer to Simon, to keep an eye on the resting deviant as he decorated the canvas.


	17. Building

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus asks North if he should buy a building.

What else could Markus do in the meantime…? As much as he was adamant about not leaving Simon in his current condition, Markus also knew he had a duty to the deviants as the leader of New Jericho to do something more than just sit around and twirl a paintbrush while watching over him. Simon's rehabilitation was his top priority, but not far below was his obligation to his fellow deviants to fight to maintain their ability to live happy lives. Setting up the new repair station would be a great start…

After some online searching, he found a suitable building for the station, but the preparation of the building would take at least a week, and require the enlistment of other androids to help, so until then, maybe they could work back at New Jericho?

But was New Jericho big enough to support the demand for repairs? And did they even have the necessary parts supplies? Would a New Jericho center dedicated exclusively to repairs be more effective than local techs. He didn’t want to run these questions by North, but seeing as Josh was busy and he needed a second opinion, he couldn’t think of another option.

‘Hey North, what’s the budget for buying another building?’

‘You want to buy a building? Why the fuck would you want to do that?!?!’

‘New Jericho is more of a space for planning how to advance the cause and providing homes and refuge for deviants, but after seeing Simon repaired today, I noticed that our room is incredibly small and undersupplied. I want to plan an operation to take in damaged androids and repair them. That somehow seems to have escaped our minds until now, but it’s incredibly important…’

North entered the room without warning, to find Markus paining various shades of gold onto a plain background.

‘Not every broken deviant would be capable of and/or willing to make it here on their own…’

She thought back on most of the surviving Tracis…

‘Oh, I know that. The first deviant I intend to take in likely will be reluctant to come of his own volition.’

‘So what do you intend to do about that? How are you getting him to come?’ North crossed her arms, awaiting an answer.

‘I intend to try and convince him to come, and if that doesn’t work, get close enough to send him into sleep mode manually, only to wake him once he’s been repaired, at which point I’ll give him my memories to show we mean no harm. Then he’ll be free to do whatever he likes.’

‘So you’re kidnapping him.’

Markus cringed at the word.

‘No, I’m benevolently transporting him to New Jericho for his own benefit.’

‘Against his will. Which is kidnapping. How is this different than what I did to Simon?’

Markus glared at her, furious that she would even think the two scenarios were comparable.

‘Because I’m taking him here to heal his injuries. His self-healing program and several other core processors are heavily damaged… Plus I am taking precautionary measures to minimize any distress that would come with the experience. You intentionally scared Simon literally almost to death, shut him down, and took him into a locked and unfamiliar room, only for him to wake up, trapped, forced to choose between painfully forcing his locked joints to move and risk bleeding out to escape, or hoping that we would find a way to rescue him while keeping his stress level down enough that he wouldn’t overheat to death. That was some Saw-level shit!’

North raised an eyebrow.

‘Saw?’

‘It was a movie Carl showed me… You need to see more movies… Actually don’t. Don’t watch Saw. I don’t want you to get any ideas…’

North’s led cycled a defiant yellow as she looked up a synopsis of the Saw franchise, before returning to red as she threw a punch at Markus which he easily dodged.

‘I’ll show you a game!’ she sent back.

‘My point exactly.’

North growled in frustration.

‘You and your moral high ground crap! Saw has nothing to do with this! The point is you’re planning on kidnapping someone tomorrow! Who is the poor fuck anyway?’

‘Ralph. His name is Ralph.’

‘Wait... You mean gash-through-his-eye, third-person-speaking, bat-shit-crazy Ralph? That’s who you plan on kidnapping?!? Heh! Good luck. Josh is going to have his hands full with you once you get back, that’s for sure!’

‘Stop saying kidnapping! Nobody’s being kidnapped! ...But you did give me an idea of how I can put the choice in the hands of the deviant in question while ensuring they at least understand the decision they’re making… Anyway, I can handle Ralph. He’s not bad, just... scared.’

North reached out curiously towards Markus’ right eye, which had started to go out of sync, but he drew back, letting it sync back up on its own.

‘So anyway. I wanted a second person’s approval on the building thing. This is going to be a large-scale operation and we don’t have the space or supplies here. If I buy it now, with the help of other volunteers, we might be able to have it done within the week. Then we can help more than just one deviant at a time. It’ll be android-run and I’ll work with Simon to plan how to make it look as nonthreatening as possible. We want the Androids there to feel safe, especially given they'll be in such a vulnerable state…’

‘Yeah, I’d back that. Might wanna think through tomorrow’s kidnapping a bit more, though, just to be safe.’

‘It’s not a kidnapping!’ Markus almost spoke aloud.

‘Whatever. I’ll leave you to plan some more while you look after your Sleeping Beauty.’

Markus reached out to North, holding her back before she could leave.

‘Please. Quit messing around about me and Simon. I can handle it, but he’s not in a state where that sort of thing would sit well with him. I fully admit you were right about the memory sharing being a good idea, but give him some time to process everything. He’s only been back a few weeks, and you don’t know what he’s been through or why he’s so…’

Markus put a hand over his right eye, feeling it beginning to shift again.

‘Yeah, yeah. Before he’s awake and can lose it again, tell me. What is this?’

North removed Markus’ hand from his eye before he could pull away.

‘I told you. I saw something that triggered a sort of secondary stress response. It’s no big deal. I’ll be fine.’

‘If whatever you saw is causing this, then just delete it.’

Markus began to walk away from her to nonverbally assert the unimportance of the matter.

‘No.’

‘No? So help me RA9, if you don’t delete it, I will go through every bit of your memory until I find it and delete it myself!’

Markus picked up his paintbrush again, not even looking at North.

‘We both know that’s not true. You’re scared of the possibility of what I might have seen. And you should be. Plus I’ve encrypted it all, both in myself and in Simon, so no one but us can access it. It’s not your business, and to be honest, it wasn’t my business either. It was wrong of me to access his memory without permission, and, although, as I had figured, it turned out for the best, I won’t allow anyone, myself included, to violate his privacy like that again.’

North was fuming.

‘I am not scared of whatever crap you and your stupid boyfriend know that I don’t. I’m the strongest one here, the only one willing to do whatever it takes to promote our cause. Josh has his own unbreakable moral code, and you and Simon are slaves to your emotions, while I have one rule and one rule only, by which I will abide for as long as I live: Take no shit, give no mercy. Because that rule is, more often than not, the only border between life and death in this shitty world we were built into. I won’t tolerate your weakness, nor will I accommodate it.’

Markus dropped the brush to the floor turning to North, beyond furious.

‘This shit! This shit is exactly why he’s so messed up! People like you. You’re no better than the humans that did that to him…’ Markus motioned to a sleeping, heavily bandaged Simon. ‘...If you even cared a fraction of what a normal person cared, then none of this-- None of this--’ Markus cut himself off before he said too much, trying to calm himself down before his stress level rose too high. ‘Look, anymore of this weakness crap around Simon, and I don’t even know how I’ll react…’

North stepped closer.

‘I do. You’ll collapse on those failing legs of yours and crawl your way over to try and comfort him, one eye trained on him, the other dancing around in your empty skull.’

Suddenly realizing the weight of what she’d just said, North stepped back apologetically.

‘I-I’m sorry… That… That was too far…’

To her surprise, Markus’ led glowed a bright blue at her apology.

‘Wait. Before you go, why was that too far, North?’

North cocked her head at Markus. She could tell from his tone that wasn’t trying to press her on the issue or rub her wrongdoing in her face. He seemed genuinely curious for some odd reason.

‘Because I know what you’ve been through, so it was wrong of me to weaponize it like that…’ looking at her feet, she added, ‘...even Josh knows better than to talk about my past…’

‘You and Josh are more alike than you’d think, though.’

‘I can’t tell whether or not that was meant to be a compliment, but I find the idea repulsive.’

Markus smirked a bit.

‘I mean in that you don’t actively think about feelings. I accessed Simon’s memory because I could tell something wasn’t right with him, but he wouldn’t talk to me. He was withdrawn, defensive, and he hadn’t spent more than a few hours in sleep mode every three or four days. Neither of you even noticed. You understand why not to insult the sloppy patchwork repairs to my frame because you’ve been explicitly told the story behind them. But you don’t think about why what you say might hurt Simon since you haven't been explicitly told the story behind his sensitivity. I’m not going to mention it, and I don’t need you to say it aloud, but think to yourself: What was the worst thing you could be when you were where you were before Jericho? And what would happen to you if you were that?’

A single tear rolled down North’s cheek, her led glowing red. She shook her head, shaking away the sadness; the pain was to be used exclusively as fuel for her burning will to live, to fight for others with the will to do the same. Tears would only quench that fire.

‘Well the worst thing Simon could have been in his past was weak, damaged, malfunctioning, useless. And you could see the physical consequences across his skin and frame, but the psychological ones are much more complicated. He’s afraid of everyone and everything. He isn’t even sure this is real life. That he’s not where he was before, and just dreaming this all. I can see you realize how messed up this all is, so please take that into account the next time you have something to say to him…’

North turned to leave again, but Markus held her back again.

‘North, look at me… I’m sorry for bringing whatever thoughts came to mind just now. I didn’t want to cause you pain, I just needed you to understand why Simon and I, and probably many other deviants are the way we are without betraying his trust by relaying his story. I’m truly sorry, North.’

North tossed her head back, her long braid jumping boldly over her shoulder.

‘It’s fine. I get it… You didn’t do anything wrong. Didn’t say anything intrusive, or make me say anything personal. I can handle a little bit of thinking, you know. I am the strongest one here, after all. I’ll try to be more sensitive, but you also need to remember that I generally tend to be what humans might call disagreeable, and that as much as you want, as much as he needs, I can’t change what I am.’

Markus nodded.

‘Fair enough… Thanks, North’.

‘No problem, Prince not-so-Charming-- remember, though, you’re still fair game!’

Markus laughed.

‘I’ll take it.’

North mimed a curtsy before walking out the door.


	18. Dusk turns to Dawn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus enters sleep mode with a game plan for the following day. But upon being woken by Simon, he realizes things might not be so simple.

Markus looked over at Simon, still sleeping peacefully, perhaps maybe too exhausted to even dream, and returned to his painting. As he mindlessly moved the brush across the canvas, he was hard at work, purchasing the rights to the building and organizing androids to be ready to start working on it the next day. They’d get started while he and Simon went after Ralph.

Once Simon woke up, before they left, they could plan a diagram of what the building should look like, simple, but with enough detail that the deviants preparing the building would understand their vision. Markus was pleased by the rapid progress, yet also couldn’t help but feel a sense of melancholy from it all. This should have been done a long time ago, after all. He'd dropped the ball, and who knows how many people were suffering that he could have helped, but didn’t in that timeframe simply because he didn’t think…

North thought Ralph was dangerous… That Ralph would hurt him… And Simon said that Ralph would never get his old life back… What was his old life that he ended up the way he is…? How badly damaged do you have to be, and for how long, before you’re just… gone?

No. Markus refused to accept that anyone could lose themselves entirely, so he forced himself to redirect his thoughts to the logistics of this next mission. Their plan for taking Ralph to Jericho was fairly thought-out, as was the plan for repairing the damage to his frame and internal components-- he would be powered down for that, after all-- but Simon could barely handle the process by which his skin was healed, even deriving a little comfort still from Markus’ presence. And Simon was always himself, even when he was damaged…

How would Ralph be able to cope with that as the realization of who he’s been, what happened to him, and maybe even who he was before that, washed over him once he became completely lucid? Markus didn’t even know him well, or what he’d been through, but felt overwhelmed at the idea. Simon would have to help him there. Simon would know what to do, what to say. He always did.

Markus smiled, excited at an idea that came to mind. Even without knowing it, Simon had said something so brilliant, that gave Makus an idea of how he could help Simon and Ralph heal! This was going to be wonderful!

The lingering guilt and sadness faded slightly as Markus made a few more calls. His brushstrokes grew lighter and more graceful, as he started to, once again, feel hope that things would get better. He began to focus on the details of his painting, the textures, the shading, the lighting. He wanted to get everything just right.

‘That’s a dog?’ Josh asked, having entered the room before Markus had noticed.

‘Yeah. Golden Retriever. But it’s not done yet.’

“Well it’s done for the night.”

Markus turned away from the easel to face Josh.

‘What do you mean?’

‘You're way overdue for sleep mode. Especially since apparently, according to North, you have quite the day ahead of you tomorrow.’

Markus’ led cycled yellow. He hadn’t even noticed how late it had gotten; there were no windows in the medical wing, and he hadn’t thought to check the time.

‘Wait, what did she say?!? It’s not--’

Josh rolled his eyes.

‘I know you’re not planning on kidnapping him if that’s what you’re asking. Probably something more conscientious than that, but seeing as how North doesn’t know the first thing about thinking about being considerate, doesn’t know the difference.’

‘She does know how to be considerate, she just has to actively think about it. But you are right that she doesn’t understand how taking someone somewhere they would otherwise be less likely to go isn’t kidnapping if they can choose to leave once they’re there, and isn’t bad if you cause them no harm along the way. Especially if it’s for their own benefit.’

Josh thought back on their conversation from earlier.

‘Black and white?’

Markus nodded.

‘You know, I was just telling her that in that way, you two aren’t too dissimilar.’

‘Gross…’

‘She said the same thing…’

Josh at least felt a strange pride that North found the idea of their similarity equally distasteful.

‘Anyway, Take an empty bed here if you need, but go to sleep. You’ll be no help to anyone if you shut down later on.’’

Markus nodded and clambered into the bed nearest Simon’s.

‘Gnite, Josh.’

‘Good night, Markus.’

_Good night Simon_, Markus thought as he activated sleep mode.

Everything was blank until he heard his name.

“Markus--?”

It was Simon’s voice, and it sounded normal, but why couldn’t Markus see?

‘I’m here’, he desperately tried to reply, but he couldn’t speak either; he was completely paralyzed.

“--Is that you, Markus?”

No no no… Simon’s voice was reverberating!

‘Yes Simon. Everything’s going to be fine, don’t worry. It’s just me…’

Shit! Why couldn’t he say anything?!?

“Don’t leave me again, Markus!”

‘I won’t! Never again! I promise!’

"Don’t leave--”

‘No no no no! Please--!’

Suddenly Markus was unfrozen. Markus was… falling? Out of instinct, he blindly protected his head with his arms, just before he hit the ground.

“Markus are you alright?!?”

No more reverberation… And… Markus could see again… Well, mostly, anyway; his right eye was glitching out, darting wildly around the room, while his left eye stayed in its place... Markus realized where he was--he must have fallen out of bed--, and he reached for the side of the bed to pull himself up onto the legs he didn’t even have to test to know had failed again.

“Yeah. What a way to wake up… Good morning, am I right?”

“I’m sorry. I should’ve gotten up to wake you, but…” Simon motioned to his legs.

“Wake me? Why do you think you should you have done that..?” Markus feigned ignorance to cover up what he had dreamt.

He figured Simon didn’t need that stress.

“I’ve been awake for about an hour now… I wanted to see if you were awake, so I called your name. After that… well, you messaged me in your sleep right before you fell out of bed… Not to mention that the fact that you fell out of bed is pretty much a dead give away in itself.”

Markus turned away, embarrassed to be having nightmares about something he didn’t even personally experience, and moreover embarrassed to have been unknowingly messaging his reactions to them to Simon in his sleep.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to bother you...”

Unsure of how to go about the question, Simon thought for a minute before speaking.

“It was the DPD, wasn’t it?”

Markus pulled himself onto the bed, sitting down before nodding softly.

“...yeah... I was there somehow. I couldn’t see. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak. I could just hear you. Hear your voice, your pleas before-- I tried to say something but…”

“I know you did. Look, I’m sorry for showing you that. Or rather, I’m sorry you saw it… But please don’t feel bad about it. It’s bad enough it’s something I need to get over, you shouldn’t have to deal too.”

“How did you know it was the DPD?”

“I’ve dreamt it enough times that I know the timing of every word. Your replies came right in between phrases, and fit perfectly given the context...”

“I’m so sorry, Simon.”

“Don’t be, really... I just wanted to wake you because it would appear it’s already morning, and when I woke up, my arms were healed...”

Markus hopped off the bed without thinking, his legs luckily once again able to support his weight as he ran over to Simon to see for himself.

“Woah! You’re right! That’s amazing, Si!”

He turned to Simon, eager to see his reaction to this improvement in his condition, but Simon didn’t look happy, or even relieved. He looked…

“Simon, what’s wrong?”

“My arms have healed… Which means that by now, everything else should have healed too.”

“Isn’t that a good thing?”

“No. I said ‘should have’. I don’t know if it all did. And if it didn't, I might be broken forever... I’m afraid to check… I woke you because I don’t want to do this alone...”

Markus gave a reassuring smile.

“Well, as I apparently messaged you a few minutes ago, I’m here.”

Simon nodded and sat himself up, leaning over to remove the bandages on his lower legs, when he collapsed onto himself.

“Shit!” He hissed in frustration.

Markus laid him back down.

“It’s okay. You can still breathe. You’re at 94%. Do you want to wait until you’re calmer, or would you like me to remove the bandages for you?”

“This is as calm as I could possibly be. My stress level will only increase with time… Do you mind?”

“Not at all. Just try to relax.”

“...thanks…”

Simon closed his eyes. He hated not being able to see, but he hated the idea of what he might see if he kept them open even worse. His stress level jumped as he could feel Markus beginning to remove the bandages. Markus would know now whether or not he was truly broken. How would he--?

“Si, can I sit you up? I think you should see this for yourself.”

Now he was certain. Markus would have just told him if everything was fine. He really was broken beyond all repair. He-- _No no no!_ He could feel his mouth beginning to open. _Not now!_ He couldn't possibly think of a worse time than--

“M-markus don’t--”


	19. Ever the Same?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seeing the new scars of old wounds, Simon questions the plausibility of Markus' new mission.

“It’s okay, Simon. You’re okay. I'm right here… Can you open your eyes for me? Hearing you say that… I just… I need to pull over a chair, so you’re going to have to follow me with your eyes if you want to remind yourself I’m here.”

Simon looked at Markus apologetically

“...s-sorry…”

“Not your fault.”

Markus held onto the guardrail of Simon’s bed, allowing his legs to buckle under him, so that he was entirely hanging from the bar. This way, he could safely drop to the ground. He dragged himself over to the nearest chair and shot Simon back an awkward smile.

‘What am I doing with my life?’ He messaged as he put the legs of the chair on his back, and crawled back to Simon’s bed wearing the chair like a backpack.

He then slithered out from under the chair, and pulled himself onto it.

“How the hell were you able to do that!?!? And how were you able to do it so quickly? You’re insane!’” Simon marvelled.

“I make do. Looks pretty ridiculous, though, doesn’t it?”

“I thought it was pretty cool, myself…”

Markus blushed.

“Anyway… You said… that... because...? Do you not want to sit up? Does it hurt?”

“No, I’m just scared… I… I know by your reaction that...” Simon couldn’t will himself to finish his response.

“I’ve got you, Si.” Markus spoke softly, holding onto the back of his chair with one arm and carefully lifting Simon with the other.

Simon’s eyes widened as he saw the marks still present on his skin…

“...no no no no no...”

“Shhh… It’s okay. Look, the marks are much fainter, and the size of it all seems to be reduced; maybe they’re still healing.”

Simon just whimpered.

“Simon, look at me. You’re okay, but your stress level is getting a bit too high. You need to calm down. How can I help you?”

“...I-I-I can’t calm down… I-I-I can’t…”

“Stress Level 105%^”

“Core Temperature: 101.6^”

“Simon, I’m sorry, but if I don’t do this, you’re going to overheat, and you might sustain damage to other biocomponents. I’ll be here, though…” Markus promised, as he manually sent Simon into sleep mode.

This way, he could remove the rest of the bandages without causing a greater spike in Simon’s stress level. Carefully peeling off the wraps across Simon's artificial skin, a wave of dread crept over Markus. Simon's chest was covered in pale blue scars, as was his neck and lower jaw, snaking up a bit to the left side of his face. Markus couldn’t think of how to show him without freaking him out again, but the damage was too extensive to cover up.

He cursed himself and the world around him. Everything that led up to this moment.

He wanted to be there for Simon, to help him readjust but he had no clue what to do or say. Even having accessed Simon’s memory, the right words were still out of his reach.

Memory…

Markus gently woke Simon.

“...what...? When did I...?”

Still disoriented from sleep, Simon hadn’t yet realized why he had entered sleep mode in the first place.

“Take my memory, Si. Focus less on what I saw and more on what I felt, okay?”

“O-okay…”

Markus walked closer to Simon so that Simon wouldn’t have to get up and potentially see the damage to reach out his hand to Markus and receive the current Markus would send through him. Their eyes went blank, and Markus tried to chanel the emotions more than the visuals as he recalled the past few minutes.

“...what am I going to do...?” Simon whispered.

“Whatever you were going to do if it’d all completely healed. It’s nothing impairing in any way. You’re still fully functional, just an added touch of color.”

“W-we-- we don’t know that! Josh… North… Oh god!”

He tried to put a trembling hand to his jaw, to find that he obviously couldn’t move.

“M-markus... How am I going to hide this?!? I-I can’t let them see! I can’t! I… I-I-I--”

“There’s no need to hide it. If anything we should go see Josh to see if your self-healing program finished, or if maybe it’s still working on the damage.”

“Stress Level: 102%^”

“N-n-no! P-please… Please don’t! D-don’t tell them! I... a-a-and they... and no no no! I can’t do this, Markus! I can’t!”

Markus lifted Simon from the bed and held him.

“Relax, Simon. You'll be okay. And Josh and North won’t hurt you. I know they won’t. But even if they would, I wouldn’t let them. I’m not going to let you go through that again, Simon. I promise.”

“It… it wasn’t a dream...”

“What?”

“T-this world… It’s real… I-I know because it’s happening here. Slower this time. Slowly falling out of reach… I-I don’t want to be alone again… I don’t want them to hurt me! Please don’t let me go!”

“You’re not alone, Simon. Look, why don’t I take you back to your room to watch puppy videos for a bit? Then once you’ve calmed down, we can talk about this some more. But we can’t have any productive conversation in your current condition.”

“I-I’ll miss that…”

“Miss what?”

“...you and your stupid puppy videos…”

“Well me and my stupid puppy videos aren’t going anywhere except your bedroom, and you’re coming along with us. Let’s go!” Markus carried Simon to his own bed. “More comfortable than the repair wing?”

Simon just sighed.

“Okay, this video looks cute! ‘Golden Retriever Halloween Costume’? Look, Si, the little thing thinks he’s a lion! I didn’t know dogs celebrate this holiday as well as humans…”

“...s-so they do...”

“Hey, look this video is of an aussie and a golden! What are they wearing for Halloween, though?”

Markus clicked on the thumbnail of the video, the image too small to clearly identify their costumes.

“The dogs are cute, but what are they…? It says in the description that the aussie is… Oh fuck them!”

“..what?” Simon asked, confused at Markus’ strong reaction.

“Read.” Markus said simply.

“ ...okay. Yeah… I see… Also, why is the golden the Bride of Frankenstein?!? That dog is clearly a male...“

Markus looked closer at the video and laughed a little.

“You’re right, but I love how that’s your concern!”

“I-I just think he’d look better as the Groom of Frankenstein if he is together with that Frankenpup over there.“

“Can dogs get married?” Markus asked quizzically.

“I don’t know. Why don’t you ask one?”

“Okay… Let me just see if I have any on speed dial… Sorry, it would appear they can’t use phones because their paws aren’t compatible with the formatting of the touch screen.”

“We’ll just have to ask one in person, then” Simon replied sarcastically.

“Well that’s going to be difficult considering neither party in that exchange can be classified as a ‘person’.”

“You know what I mean!” Simon turned to see the stupid grin on Markus’ face, only to then realize his stress level had dropped below 93% again.

“Nice.” Markus nodded approvingly.

“...what do you think I should do…?”

Markus put his hand on Simon’s arm reassuringly.

“We should go to Josh so that he can verify that you are otherwise fully functional, and see if the superficial residual damage will last. Then you should get dressed because I have a new mission for us, and humans don’t typically appreciate any humanoid being, even an android, traipsing around the streets in only their boxer shorts.”

“A new mission...?”

“Yup. While you were asleep, I bought a building.” Markus spoke casually, fully aware that this explanation sounded comically bizarre.

“What? Why?”

“To help other androids. But while that’s being built, we’re going on a benevolent not-kidnapping.”

“I’m sorry, what?!?!”

“Nothing. Just thinking about something stupid North said. She thinks we’re kidnapping Ralph today. Yes. We are totally kidnapping a fellow android because that is absolutely what we do here!”

Simon was still hopelessly confused.

“Okay… So that’s what if that’s what she thinks, then what are we actually doing?”

“Going over to his hideout to talk to him and see if he’d want to come over to New Jericho for repairs.”

Simon sat himself up and turned away bitterly.

“Yes, because that worked out so well the first time…”

Markus turned Simon back to face him.

“Yes, Simon. It did. We can at the very least heal his self-healing program and the damage to his frame, and hopefully his self-healing program can be maintained such that it can heal the damage to his processors without burning out again.”

“Markus, even if he does agree to it, and even if it all works perfectly, he’s not in a state to know the full impact of the decision he’d be making. And the loneliness of having nowhere to go might drive him mad all over again, only a sharper pain this time as this time, he’d be lucid.”

Markus met Simon’s eyes.

“Simon, why do you think I’m bringing you with me on this mission? If anyone can help him find himself, it’s you. I trust that you’ll be able to do it. You’re the reason I am who I am today, you know. I had only just gone deviant before I met you, and you gave me something, someone to fight for. The possibility of a real life of my own. We can show Ralph what that’s like.”


	20. Catching up to Speed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon knew he was a static object unsuited for the dynamic world. Markus just refused to accept it.

Simon’s led cycled yellow. He couldn’t help Ralph. He couldn’t even help himself. Neither he nor Ralph could ever be fixed, yet Markus had such hope. Such precious invaluable hope. Because hope was the only thing that could keep one from being left behind. Hope for survival, hope for a future.

He needed Markus to have hope for him, but to heighten Ralph’s awareness of his circumstances, only for him to just be more aware of his misery for as long as he continues to live...?

It… It wouldn’t be right. Ralph was better off as he was… But, what would it mean for him if he said that to Markus? If he crushed the hope that shone in those mismatched eyes? He… knew what it would mean. He--

Simon fell back suddenly onto his bed.

“Easy, Si! What’s wrong? Do you worry you’re not up for the responsibility...? Because I know--”

Simon’s stress level jumped as he resolved to tell Markus.

“We shouldn’t fix Ralph. Even if we could, he wouldn’t make it here in New Jericho. It would be unfair to render him suddenly aware of the fact that there is no place for him anywhere. Please listen to me. I don’t like saying it… but I want to do right by him…”

“New Jericho is a haven for all deviants. He’ll need time to adjust, but once he does, he can feel a happiness he’d never know in his current state. I know you better than that, though, even without having accessed your memory; What’s really upsetting you?”

“Same thing since the other day... The new normal, I guess... B-but I’ll get over it!” Simon spoke just a touch too quickly as he insisted upon his recovery.

“You don’t need to ‘get over it’, Simon. I mean, obviously I want you to feel like yourself but… Like when I told you to get some sleep, and then, seeing you having woken up distraught, accessed your memory to see how to help... I know I shouldn’t have accessed your memory without your permission; it was wrong and I won’t do it again, but I did it because I care about you. It had nothing to do with your ability to ‘get over it’ or your utility to the android community. But what made you worry about ‘getting over it’ with regard to…”

Suddenly it dawned on Markus, a look of pain forming on his face as he turned Simon to face him.

“...No, Simon You could not have been more wrong in every way possible. No matter what happens with Ralph, no matter what happens with you, I’ll be here for as long as you want me. So you don’t need to be afraid to tell me you doubt his ability to recover. You don’t need to be afraid to tell me you doubt your own ability to recover. I love you, Simon. There’s always a place for any deviant here, but there’s always a place for you, specifically, by my side. So please, don’t look at this like that…”

“Markus, I saw your memory. You saw me in him...I know you did. Memories don’t lie. You love who I was, but now you just see me as broken.”

“Memories don’t lie, but they can be misperceived, You didn’t understand it, clearly…”

Markus’ right eye shifted to the side, prompting him to close it again before continuing.

“...You were being repaired… and we found out that your self-healing program had burnt out--I was the one to realize it… And… that scared me, Simon. Really scared me. I didn’t want to lose you because you couldn’t heal yourself. And I didn’t want to think about the pain you’d been in since you’d been unable to heal yourself... Plus, I’d never heard of something like that before, except then Josh reminded me I had… Ralph… He explained that Ralph must be the way he is because his self-healing program took out a good few of his core processors along with it. And… that you got lucky yours didn’t. Luck. If it weren’t for dumb luck, my one decision up on the rooftop would’ve caused every beautiful thing that makes you you to be wasted, lost to the world, and I'd never have even known it, because I’d have still been trying to recover your body instead of reuniting with you. You can’t even begin to register how much that hurts given your current emotional state, but it’s nearly unbearable, Si.”

“It wouldn’t have been your fault… It would have been mine for being…”

The word was too painful to cross Simon’s lips. Especially now.

“None of this is, was, or will ever be your fault, Simon! But I just thought I should at least try to explain to you why Ralph came to mind, and why it hurt so much to think about. Did people love him before he became like this? Search for him? Are they still searching? Or is there no one? I don’t know which would be sadder. I need your help to make this better for him, for all the other deviants like him. Because there’s something about your heart. It isn’t something tangible, but there’s just something… Something powerful that I think can bring anyone closer to healing. It’s something only you can do, just by being you.”

Simon sighed.

“What’s wrong, Si?”

“I… I want to go with you on this mission, but I can’t…”

“What do you mean can’t?”

“My legs, my chest, my jaw, my RA9 knows what else. I’m not--”

Markus shook his head.

“We don’t know if there’s actually any serious damage or even any remaining minor structural damage. The injuries could be superficial. Which is why we should just go run it by Josh, just for you to be sure...”

“...please don’t… He’ll see my legs and...” Simon shuddered.

“And nothing. He’s already seen your legs when he worked on them yesterday, and he hasn’t reacted adversely to--”

“...it’s different now...”

“Different how?”

“...I can’t say it… the words are too much... but I’m not safe here… not safe anywhere… I don’t want to be alone again…”

“I know you don’t. But you’ll be safe with me while Josh looks you over a minute and then you’ll be safe with me as we get ready to find Ralph, and safe with me as you teach him how to be alive, and safe with me thereafter. But if there’s still something that needs to be repaired, the best way to ensure it gets repaired soonest would be to have it checked out.”

“I-I know… I’m just… Everything is so fast! The world ends but it doesn’t stop. And I’m still trying to catch up. I am trying, Markus, really, I am!”

“I know you are, Simon. And I can’t stop the world for you, but I can at least slow my own pace to walk alongside you. Can I take you to Josh now…?”

Simon hesitated, his voice the faintest ghost of a whisper.

“...yes…”

“See? You’re so strong, I’m sure we’ll be ahead of the world again before long. We’ll come back to your room soon.” Simon fought to keep his stress level down, so that he could cling to Markus with the little strength he had as Markus carried him back to the repair wing.

‘Hey, Josh. Simon’s awake now, but he’s still not completely healed. Could you come make sure his self-healing program is working properly?’

‘On my way, Markus’

Markus gently sat Simon on a bed, before sitting down beside him. Simon tried to focus on his ventilation system, feel the rhythm of it as a reminder that, at least on a basic level, he was still functional. But he could hear Josh approaching and suddenly he fell back onto the bed, his ventilation stopping entirely. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t--

“M-markus d--”

Markus squeezed his arm comfortingly.

“It’s okay, Simon. I’m right here.”

‘We’ve just been over this, Si. I’ll always be here. Please try to stay calm.’

‘He’s going to see... He’s going to-- I-I don’t know what--- I-I-I--’

‘He _is_ going to see, Simon. And it will be fine. I’ve got you, and nobody, especially not a fellow deviant, is going to hurt you. Not here. Not now. I’ve got you…’


	21. Scars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Jericrew learn that there's no way to erase the traces left behind.

Josh entered the room, and could read the distress on Simon’s face without even having to check his stress level. A set of blue scarring snaked down his jaw, jagged lines covered most of his chest, and a single burst of blue stained either side of both legs, each one perfectly parallel, growing larger from left outermost to right.

Simon’s stress level continued to climb. Even the eyes looking him over seemed to pose a threat.

‘...help me… please…’ He messaged Markus frantically.

‘That’s what we’re here for, Simon. To help you heal. Nothing to worry about, I promise.’

‘Josh, Simon is afraid his condition is deteriorating, but more immediately, he’s afraid of how you’re going to deal with it. Could you please explain what you’re thinking to him? Even the most basic things… He’s... not well right now. Afraid that even just a glance from someone could tear him apart again…’

Josh shuddered. _Again_... That implied that… It was incredibly weird to see Simon like this. Disturbing.

“Simon…” He started, eliciting a frightened whimper. Markus pat Simon’s head in an attempt to comfort him by reasserting his presence, as Josh continued. “You don’t need to be afraid. I’m not going to hurt you. As far as my scans show, your self healing program is fully operational. I’d just like to analyze a sample of your thirium to be sure, though. Is that okay?”

"...y-yes..."

Josh could never understand. Even without laying a hand on Simon, Josh's words were a potent weapon, sharper than any blade could ever be. After all, was there ever a time in history in which a blade was drawn on someone with no words exchanged beforehand?

No. Words have always been the most dangerous weapon. Words could incite one to kill. Incite one to do worse than kill. And since nearly everyone could produce words, nearly everyone had an entire armory at their disposal to use against him as they wished.

And he knew too well that Josh’s arsenal had weapons so horrifically--

“M-markus d--!”

“Simon, please relax. It's okay, I promise.”

‘...his words can kill me a million times over-- anyone’s can... B-but his have… I’m scared…’

‘He’s not going to hurt you with words or with weapons. You’re going to be fine, Simon.’

Markus held Simon tightly, pressing the immobile deviant’s body close against his own. He shivered as he could feel something wet, tears, forming on his shirt. RA9, it hurt to know that the terror Simon felt was overflowing to the point where it leaked from his sky blue eyes. So Markus just held him close. It was all he could do.

Josh prepared supplies to draw collect a sample of thirium, and, without warning, pierced Simon’s artificial skin with a needle, to begin collecting the thirium for analysis. Out of Simon’s view, he was able to do so undetected, until he’d collected a sufficient amount.

“Markus, could you let Simon see this?”

“Sure...”

That was never a good sign. Markus turned Simon, surprised to find a needle already in his arm.

“Watch the skin as the needle’s removed, okay Simon?”

‘...y-yes...’

Josh removed the needle quickly, a drop of thirium leaking from the skin, for a brief moment, before quickly evaporating, leaving no trace from where the needle had just been.

“So it’s working then? His self-healing program?”

“It’s fully functional, yes. But an analysis of the thirium should be able to detect if it’s still working on the skin damage that remains. Just give me a moment…”

‘See, Simon. That wasn’t so bad… And now we know you can heal yourself again.’

‘...wasn’t afraid of that… what if---?’

“Fascinating!” Josh exclaimed from across the room, interrupting Simon’s message.

“What is it, Josh?”

“Okay, so obviously androids were modeled aesthetically after humans, but in terms of functionality we’re also fairly humanoid as well. Our thirium, the structure and functions of our biocomponents, the condition for optimal functionality. Well somehow it would seem that, despite the fact that we can retract it, our skin is more human than you’d think.”

“Meaning…?”

“Simon’s finished healing. He’s healed normally. When humans sustain heavy tissue damage, it leaves a mark on the skin--a scar, where the tissue regrows, but slightly different than before. There’s nothing wrong with it, but it’s just a permanent mark…”

“T-t-that doesn’t make sense… I-I didn’t have a scar before... And Markus… He doesn’t… Shouldn’t--?”

“Well, no. The scar is from the healing process. Your skin healed the first time around, but the frame underneath was still damaged for months, unable to heal. Once I fixed that, your skin had to heal again, but after your frame had been broken for so long, the skin that was regrowing underneath your old skin was damaged like your frame, but for long enough without healing, that, even once the wounds were fixed, a scar was left in their place.”

‘Markus… this… this is permanent?’ Simon messaged anxiously.

‘Well then I guess we’ll match’, Markus replied, turning Simon, so he could see Markus flirtatiously wink his right eye.

‘But how do I know the damage to the frame wasn’t permanent, if not externally, then at least on the inner layer?’

‘Because Josh and I saw it heal itself. He put you back together one piece at a time, ensuring that each piece had healed completely before putting on the next.’

‘I-I don’t know what to feel…?’

‘You don’t need to. Just be.’

“Simon... How did you get here…?”

Josh awkwardly fumbled for the right words to ask.

“...w-w-what do you m-mean…?”

Simon shuddered. Why would he want to know that…? Please… Please don’t let this be--

“Simon, look at me. We’re at New Jericho. A question like that won’t harm you. Especially not here.” Markus said aloud, to let Josh know the question he had asked was heavily loaded.

“I carried him here, Josh. Since we didn’t know if his legs had fully healed, I didn’t want to risk him further injuring himself by trying to walk on them if they hadn’t.”

Josh nodded.

“That makes sense. But since they have healed, could you see if you can walk now, Simon? I don’t think you’ve been on your feet since you’ve been repaired, so you are right that we should probably make sure…”

Simon whimpered, trembling violently as he desperately tried to at least keep his stress level below 96%.

‘Simon, it’s okay if you can’t walk, but can you at least try?’

‘It won’t be okay… I-I know it won’t! He even said make sure... If I fail this test, this mission, then what? The question’s rhetorical; I know what! And I won’t do it again! I can’t do it again! I'm telling you, Markus, I just can’t… I’m not strong enough... Not anymore... Please please don’t make me--’

‘I told you. You're never going to go through that again, Simon. If you can’t walk, we’ll try to make further repairs. That’s all.’

‘And then if I can’t? If there’s nothing he can do…? I can’t do this… You should just hold me while he puts a final bullet through my head. I’d rather that than--’

‘Well I wouldn’t. Maybe it’s selfish, but I need you around. Now that you’re back, I refuse to let you go again. Nothing that happens to you, nothing that anyone says, is going to change that. If your legs don’t work, if for whatever reason you can’t go on missions like you used to, you can still stay back here. And at the end of the day, I’ll always come back to be here with you.’

Simon shook his head.

‘I can’t do it, Markus… I can’t…’

‘How about I just hold you while you’re on your feet for a bit. You won’t need to balance or anything, but just have your feet on the ground again?’

‘...y-you won’t let go..?’

‘I won’t let go.’ Markus repeated

‘...okay...’

Markus lifted Simon from the bed, holding him so that his feet rested on flat on the ground. Markus thought for a moment on how to proceed.

‘Simon, can I give you another memory? It’s a nice one…’

‘...sure…?’

Markus retracted the skin from Simon’s hand, before retracting the skin from his own arm, placing Simon’s bare hand to his bare arm and sending a current through Simon.

It was a simple memory. One of a moment they had shared in person, but now Simon was seeing it through Markus’ eyes. If he weren’t now experiencing the memory as Markus had then, he would have felt rather embarrassed by the dorky look on his face. His eyes looking up at Markus, like an old puppy, tired, yet full of hope, his lips forming a small smile despite his efforts not to seem like he’d already fallen in love with this beautiful man.

But that wasn’t how Markus felt about it. No. He could feel Markus thinking. Markus felt somehow elated by the soft smile, saw a future in those bright eyes. Romantic love was a vague concept he didn’t quite understand at the time, something he’d realized only heard about from Carl and read about in books, yet here, he felt something new. And it was wonderful.

Markus deliberately chose not to relive the memory as he transferred it to Simon, instead, opting to monitor Simon’s stress level. As it dropped below 93%, he set Simon in a more stable position, and let go of him, leaving only Simon’s hand on his arm for him to retract on his own after he had seen it all. The blue of Simon’s eyes came back, and instinctively, he removed his arm from Markus’, still unaware of his surroundings.

‘Ironic how you remembered how to stand again from receiving my memory of the first time you swept me off my feet’. Markus messaged Simon, bringing his attention to the fact that, yes, it would appear he was standing.

Simon thought for a moment… He didn’t know how to react and was still processing the situation. But Markus’ memory still fresh in his mind, Simon knew what he wanted to do. Without thinking, Simon stepped in closer, taking Markus' face in his hands, and kissed him. A look of pleasant surprise flickered in Markus’ mismatched eyes, which then closed happily as he reciprocated. 

For once in his life, Josh actually wished North was around, just so she could break up this uncomfortable display of affection. He didn’t like feeling as though he was intruding on something so… intimate... 

“Ummm… Can I go now or…?” Josh interrupted the two.

Simon pulled away from Markus, embarrassed.

“Ummm... Yes.. Of course… Thank you for… I mean… It was good that you could… I mean--”

Josh walked out the door before Simon could figure out how to finish his clumsy attempt at a salutation.

“You’re so cute when you’re awkward!”

“Well what would you say upon realizing that you had just accidentally subjected a friend to watching you make out with his other friend while he uncomfortably stood in the background?”

Markus smirked.

“I wouldn’t say anything. My lips would be better used doing other things.”

Simon blushed.

“Like what?” he challenged.

“Like this!”

Markus gave Simon one last kiss before pausing to think.

“It probably didn’t help that you’re still in your underwear…”

“Probably not.” Simon replied, deadpan, the absurdity of the scenario expressed on his face rather than in his words.

“You should probably get dressed now, then…”

“Agreed. Especially if you want us to not-kidnap Ralph before the end of the day.” Markus laughed.

“Yes. I’ll pack supplies, meanwhile you get dressed so we can proceed with this not-kidnapping.”

Simon carefully walked to his room, while Markus took his backpack and began to raid the supply closet. Pants. Simon had never realized how wonderful an article of clothing could be. With pants on it’d be like his legs were back to normal. And an undershirt to cover up his torso, followed by his favorite sweatshirt… If he zipped it up to the neck, it looked almost better, but he couldn’t help but be dissatisfied that there was no way he could hide his lower jaw, which was almost entirely covered in this artificial scarring, particularly dark at the point where he…

Simon knew he had to see it. See the way the rest of the world would see him. Unsteadily, he walked to the mirror in his closet and turned to his reflection. His reflection was hideously marred, broken, and... crying. It looked so damn pathetic! He was too fixated on the way the tears trickled down its skin until they reached the blue of its jawline to notice Markus’ reflection approaching it.

Markus put a hand on his shoulder, and Simon flinched at the unexpected touch, quickly wiping away his tears in the hopes that maybe Markus hadn’t noticed them yet.

“You’ll get used to it,” Markus said softly.

So he had noticed…

”It’s never going to go away. I just want it all to go away… Forever a reminder that I was broken… of what will happen if I break down enough again…”

“Or you could see it as a reminder that you found the strength to come home. That you have a home to come back to. That people love you enough to help you pick up the pieces…”

After a brief moment of quiet, Simon asked. “What was it like…? Seeing yourself in the mirror for the first time after…?”

“It was… weird… So many thoughts came to mind. Carl had blue eyes, you know, so there’s that… it still looked out of place on me… but it shone brighter than the green one ever did. Blue is that kind of color... it was a reminder of what I’d lost, what I’d gained… good and bad and why I needed to keep fighting… and it was a new chapter in my life--there was no going back to how things used to be. I needed to write myself a new story. No. I was granted the power to write myself a new story… and the most amazing thing was that I could still see. If I close my left eye, I can still see you clear as day. My appearance changed, but I could still see like before.”

“You’re incredible…” Simon whispered in awe.

“Now you can write yourself a new story…” Markus gently brushed Simon’s jawline with the back of his hand, before turning to face Simon, cupping Simon’s face in his hands. “...And when I take your head in my hands, you can feel the warmth of my skin as my eyes meet yours, so you can know I mean it when I say that regardless of your appearance, when I look at you, I will always see the Simon I saw in that memory.”

Simon just stood there, crying more heavily, his led cycling blue and yellow, as Markus held him, allowing the tears to flow over his hands, with a silent smile that said more than he could have expressed with words. Simon closed his eyes and put a hand on Markus’.

“We should go… If… if this is real… I want to help others feel so… so full…”

“It is real. And I know you do. I am taking you along with me, after all. So let’s go then. I’ll call an autonomous car. He doesn’t live terribly far from here... The car should be here in five minutes, so we should probably go make sure everyone knows we’re leaving.”

“...i-in… in person…?”

Simon looked at Markus nervously, putting a hand to his freshly scarred jaw.

“Yes, Simon. Before we pick up Ralph, I think we should go see North… You know you can’t avoid her forever, and I think it’d be best for you to see her with me now, rather than having her bump into you unexpectedly. I think you’d feel safer knowing we’re choosing to meet with her, instead of feeling suddenly exposed as you encounter her by accident, unprepared to face her. She’s not going to hurt you either.”

Stress level down, This would be a good test for him to stay calm. Calm. Calm. He wasn’t going to collapse. Not this time.

“...you’re not wrong… just… please… I-I--”

“Let’s go, Si…”

Simon grabbed the sleeve of Markus’ shirt, following him from behind as they went to the living room. Markus sighed. He hated seeing Simon like this… He was clinging to him again. But not in a good way. It wasn’t because he wanted to be closer, or because he liked to hold Markus. It wasn’t an affectionate gesture at all, so much as a nervous compulsion to ensure that Markus and this newly unfamiliar world wouldn’t suddenly be torn from him again. He was clinging to Markus, his one connection to this world, for his life. Because the only other world he knew, the only world he believed to be truly real, was a world he couldn’t bear to return to. And he was terrified that North would send him back.

‘You don’t need to hold onto me, Simon… I don’t mind it, but I’m not going anywhere, even if you let go. You’re not going anywhere even if you let go… Just thought you should know that…’

Simon didn’t respond. He heard Markus, but he didn’t believe him.

“Hey, North, Simon and I are going out to not-kidnap Ralph. Can I trust you and Josh not to kill each other while we’re gone?”

North smirked.

“No promises…”

She then caught sight of Simon’s face, her gaze burning through to his core. Seeing his face screwed up in fear, North turned back to Markus quickly.

“So what? You and your boyfriend get freaky with your art set last night?”

Simon was too afraid to register what North had said, but Markus cocked his head at her, completely lost.

“Freaky? Like a horror movie? No, that’s not why he’s a bit shaken up. I don’t think Simon’s into that sort of thing, so we haven’t painted anything from the genre. Hey, Si, you see any good horror movies? I was just talking to North about this one series earlier and--”

“No, you idiot! I meant were you two doing some kinky shit with blue paint? RA9! You can be so thick, sometimes. What the hell's up with his face?!?”

Simon took Markus’ arm and held it to his chest, wrapping both arms around it tightly for fear that if he didn’t keep a strong hold on him, Markus would slip out of reach along with everything else he’d come to know since his return. He looked at North, his expression dripping with suspicion and terror, and North stepped back a little, somewhat unsettled.

Markus patted Simon’s arm with his free hand and explained. “No… It’s not paint. All the damage was completely healed, but having been attached to his damaged frame for so long, some of his skin grew back a bit scarred.”

North nodded, slightly emboldened.

“...So what, Simon? Afraid for people to see Markus’ pretty-boy lover got his face a bit banged up?”

“...n-no...”

North frowned…

‘...He’s afraid of me, isn’t he?’

‘He’s afraid of everyone, North. Not just you...’

‘You called me a bitch when I wouldn’t kill you after you’d accessed his memory, yet Josh was the one who forcibly restrained you in his arms, used your own trenchcoat against you like a straight jacket, and tied you to a table to keep you from killing yourself, and you never said a single unkind word to him. And last night… You said that if I even cared, then none of this... Whatever you saw… I’ve gotta know, Markus… I have the right to know: ...Did I have a hand in whatever…?’

North softened considerably, and Markus actually felt some sort of odd compassion towards her.

‘No. Not any more than anyone else did. You’re just harsher and louder and certainly more violent than the rest of us, so I expected you to kill me, whereas I knew Josh wouldn’t do it. As for last night, I just got frustrated by how you were saying things that were upsetting Simon without thinking of the consequences. And I think that harshness, coupled with the things you say, is making Simon slightly more on edge around you, but, trust me when I say, he’s truly afraid of everyone. He’s not holding onto me for protection, or out of love. He’s holding onto me to make sure this is real. To make sure that I’m real. Because in a way, he’s scared of me too.’ Markus tried to balance the lie with an honest confession.

North brushed a short strand of hair out of her face, giving Markus a grateful smile for a split second, before her typical callous expression took its place.

“Y’know, Simon… Some people think scars are pretty hot--gives you a bit of a sexy bad-boy look about you. Makes you look more like the type of guy you’d expect with a national resistance leader. Not that we hadn’t already expected you to end up with him before, but still. Looks fitting.”

Simon stood a bit straighter, but tightened his grip on Markus as his cheeks burned bluer than his jaw. North noticed Simon hold tighter to Markus and concluded that Markus was probably right. What she had said was nonthreatening, positive even, but while he seemed less afraid of her, he seemed more afraid in general at the remark.


	22. Not-Kidnapping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon and Markus are not kidnapping Ralph

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually had a nightmare of this scene the night I came up with the idea for it; I was Simon and I could feel the terror looking at Ralph and *knowing*. The only dream I can ever remember having in which I wasn't myself. So please, do enjoy it, and try to appreciate the fear underlying each interaction.

“Hey, Simon… I think the car is here... We’ll be back soon North!”

“Sure you don’t want some duct tape or some chloroform to make sure your victim doesn’t run away?”

Markus grimaced in disgust.

“That’s just awful! And for the last time, North, we are not kidnapping Ralph.”

“Whatever you say…” She replied, as Simon and Markus approached the door.

“After you…” Markus helped Simon into the car, before sitting beside him.

“Markus, where exactly are we going? How do you know where he is?”

“We’re going to his house. He’s never voluntarily left in years, so odds are he’ll be there. If not, I’ll message Lucy to see if she has any idea.”

“He’s never voluntarily left his house…?”

Simon had known what it was like to live in hiding. That’s how Jericho started. But to live in hiding alone, and for so long... He wished someone would have told him about Ralph earlier, so he could have taken Ralph in, Maybe then he might not be so bad off that Markus would be so distraught over his condition.

“You’re red… What’s on your mind, Si?”

Right. His led.

“I just feel guilty is all. He would have had protection at Jericho too, but he wouldn’t have been alone. We should’ve gone out more. Tried harder to look for other deviants. We tried to, but clearly--”

“Welcome to how I feel. Maybe we didn’t think of it simply because we work better as a team. Besides, we all have things we should have done in the past, but better late than never…”

Simon just nodded.

“You’re still scared. I mean, obviously you’re still scared. But are you still afraid of what you think would happen to you if we can’t help him?”

Simon thought for a moment, before looking at Markus sincerely.

“I’m not sure… I’m not sure what I’m afraid of… It’s just--”

The car stopped on the side of a road. An abandoned house way overdue for demolition, tiles caving in, paint chipping from the outer walls, was the only building around.

“Markus, I think the car’s navigation system must be broken…” Simon’s voice wavered.

It had to be the navigation system, right? He _needed_ it to be the navigation system…

“No, Si, this is the place...”

Simon held his head in his hands. For just a brief moment, when he looked at the building, the faint outline of the warehouse from earlier flickered over this house, the image superimposed such that the two buildings seemed one. Of course. Where else would an abandoned broken-down machine belong if not an abandoned broken-down building.

Markus gently, but swiftly pulled away one of Simon’s hands, forcing Simon to face him. Such hurt on the face he’d turned to face his own.

“We’re going to take him away from here, Si. Take him to somewhere he belongs. A nicer place with people to care about him. Maybe New Jericho, maybe one of those new deviant complexes, wherever he wants to live after this. Do you hear me?”

Simon didn’t respond.

“...Simon… is this too much for you? We can always come back another time, or send someone else to bring him to us if--”

Simon shook his head.

“N-no… Just a lot to take in… Let’s go find him.”

“Alright, but if you need to turn back at any point, it’s fine. We can come back later…”

“No… I don’t want him here any longer… Let’s go, Markus…”

Simon’s resolve to take Ralph from this awful situation had steeled his nerves enough so that he jumped out of the car first and began to approach the house, not even looking to Markus, until Markus caught up with him and took his hand. Only as they approached the door did Simon turn to Markus.

‘We should knock to let him know we’ve arrived, and then you’ll announce yourself. He’ll likely recognize your name and voice from the revolution and feel safer knowing that a fellow deviant, the one and only Markus Manfred, was entering his house-- not some humans planning to do… whatever…’

Markus nodded. Simon knocked on the door, which creaked open, and the two entered the house.

“Hello, Ralph, I’m Markus. My friend and I are deviants and we wanted to stop by because we could use your help. We mean you no harm. Could you please come out to talk to us?”

A bookshelf at the side of the living room started to move slightly, and Simon noticed a set of eyes warily looking them over. Well, not a set of eyes… Just one… The other was… Was--? Was that what he looked like at the DPD…? Simon began to tremble slightly, once again remembering his fear.

No. He had a mission to complete. This wasn’t about him. This was about Ralph...

But, RA9, his left eye was mostly black with a thirium-blue iris. It wasn’t even like Lucy’s black eyes. Something about this eye cut him more deeply. Probably the deep crack that ran through it, baring blue lights from damaged circuitry. Lucy’s eyes looked like eyes, just black. Ralph’s eye looked… broken, painful.

Familiar with Markus, Ralph stepped out from behind the bookshelf.

“Ah yes! Markus! Ralph knows you! Yes! You helped fight the bad humans! Come! Come in! Ralph is happy to see you! Ralph is sorry for hiding. Ralph was just afraid some humans would come in and hurt Ralph again. They hurt Ralph and so now Ralph hides when they come near. They never stay long, and then Ralph can come out again. But Ralph doesn’t need to hide from you. No, Ralph’s not afraid of…”

As Ralph rambled on, Markus squeezed Simon’s hand.

‘You okay?’

‘Fine… I’m fine… You?’

‘Don’t worry about me! I’m not the one who’s still recovering!’

_Recovering_. Looking at Ralph, his frenetic speech pattern, the way he erratically shifted his weight, the gash along his eye, which only got wider as it ran down his cheek to his jawline, and his the metal frame exposed in patches of his hands and arms where the artificial skin had long since been burnt away...

Simon was terrified at the thought that it was only dumb luck that he didn’t end up the same. He began to tremble more violently as he tried to keep his stress level low enough to stay on his feet.

“Markus, why is the blonde one shaking? Is he cold? Ralph can start a fire if--”

“Thanks, Ralph, but Simon’s just been through a lot lately, and meeting new people just makes him a little nervous...”

That wasn’t entirely a lie...

“Yes... Ralph understands. Ralph certainly understands. But Ralph won’t hurt the Simon. No, Ralph won’t cause you harm.”

“Thank you, Ralph…” Markus nodded, leading Simon, too lost in fear to object, to the other end of the room.

‘Simon, look at me. You’re okay... Still, I think it would be best to go back home… This is--’

‘N-no… I-I want to help him… It’s just… a lot… I wasn’t prepared for--’

Neither had noticed Ralph approaching, looking at Simon inquisitively, until he interrupted Simon’s thought by reaching out to touch the scar that had formed across his lower jaw and neck.

“The Simon is like Ralph... Did the bad humans hurt the Simon too?”

That was too much. Simon started to collapse, Markus quickly catching him, having anticipated such a reaction the moment he noticed that Ralph had approached Simon.

“Stress Level: 99%^”

“Easy, Si. You’re okay. Everything is okay.”

‘M-markus, he… he said--’

‘I know… But he’s wrong. I don’t like this, Simon. I really think we should go home.’

‘I-I don’t want to give up on him… I just can’t… can’t move… I can’t move... I-I’

“Stress Level: 103%^”

_Shit_! Markus picked up Simon into his arms and messaged.

‘Simon, can you calm down? You’re going to start to overheat if you don’t lower your stress level.’

‘I-I I’m going to--’

“M-markus, don--” he couldn’t hold back the familiar words as his stress level jumped again.

“Shhh... It’s okay. I’m here, Simon. I’m here...”

‘Look, I need to go into sleep mode now because I can’t calm down like this. Deal with Ralph, and wake me when my stress level's dropped sufficiently. Just please don’t leave me, okay? I’m going now…’

Simon’s led dimmed as he fell into sleep mode, and Markus hugged him to his chest.

That’s why his stress level had jumped again; resolving to enter sleep mode, Simon was afraid that Markus would be more inclined to leave him here, unconscious, helpless, and alone. Despite such overwhelming fear, Simon decided to take that perceived risk for Ralph instead of choosing to return to New Jericho with Markus...

‘I love you, you idiot!’ Markus messaged an unconscious Simon, despite knowing he wouldn’t receive it until he woke up.

“Markus… What happened to the Simon!? Ralph… Ralph didn’t mean to hurt him!!!”

Ralph gripped his cloak tightly, arms crossed, with both his skinless hands. He seemed on the verge of tears.

“No, Ralph. You didn’t hurt him. When his stress level gets too high, he loses control of his body. When you came over, you startled him, and it got past the point at which his ventilation system fails, so he went into sleep mode to keep from overheating. This should allow him time to calm down. He’s going to be just fine.”

“Ralph is sorry for scaring your friend…”

“It’s not your fault. He’s been scared of almost everything since he’s had to deal with… You know how it is... You noticed his face… Now that he’s in sleep mode, you can come closer to look, if you want, without risk of alarming him.”

Cautiously, Ralph stepped closer.

“It’s not cracked… Just blue… Blue skin…?” He looked up at Markus curiously.

Markus nodded.

“Ralph… your eye… does it hurt?”

Ralph put a hand to the gash under his eye, producing a small spark, causing him to wince and withdraw his hand as inky tears began to form.

“Yes… Humans did this to Ralph. Humans make Ralph hurt. Ralph doesn’t want anyone to hurt him. No. Never again. Ralph doesn’t know what Ralph would do if someone were to--” Ralph began to twitch anxiously as the inky tears made their way into the open wound.

“Simon was hurt pretty badly because of humans too… He only came back recently. That’s why he’s so scared. But he came home to New Jericho, and my friends and I were able to fix him. Each patch of blue used to be a deep wound like yours. They were everywhere; all over his frame, especially his neck, chest and legs. But now it’s all much better, and it doesn’t hurt like before. Do you think you might want to come to New Jericho with us and see if we can fix your eye too?”


	23. Strength to Pretend to be Strong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon and Markus welcome Ralph to New Jericho.

Ralph began to pace the room deep in thought.

“Ralph doesn’t know if he can trust you… You won’t hurt Ralph? If Ralph leaves the house, bad humans might--You’ll protect Ralph, won’t you? Ralph doesn’t want--”

“Ralph, I promise you that if you choose to come with us no one will cause you harm while you’re in our care. I understand if you don’t trust me. It’s hard to trust sometimes. Would you like to access my memory so you can see that I’m being honest with you about my intentions?”

Markus retracted the skin on his arm and moved so that it was closer to Ralph. Ralph looked at Markus’ arm and hesitated, before slowly placing his hand down onto it. His good eye went white as he took in Markus’ memory, Then the green returned to it, and he nodded.

“Ralph… Ralph will come with you. Yes. Ralph is scared, but Ralph will come.”

Markus smiled.

“That’s great, Ralph! I’ll call us an auto. It can take us to New Jericho without having to interact with anyone else--android or human. Does that sound good?”

“Yes… Ralph doesn't want to meet strangers outside. Strangers could hurt Ralph…”

“The auto should be here in a few minutes. Is there anything you’d like to take with you to New Jericho?”

Ralph’s face brightened slightly.

“Yes… Actually there is!” He ran upstairs frantically, and shortly after, returned with a potted plant. “Kara sent this to Ralph after she and the little girl left. Kara says this is succulent. Not burnt dead animals… But Ralph doesn’t think humans eat this plant… It confuses Ralph, but Ralph still loves the present...”

Markus scanned the plant and smiled goodnaturedly.

“Humans don’t eat that plant, Ralph. The name for that type of plant is a Succulent. They’re like cacti. I know Kara and Alice too. They’ve told me about you. They miss you, Ralph.”

Happy tears began to form in both eyes now.

“--miss Ralph...? They miss Ralph...? Ralph misses them too! Maybe we can meet again and be like a real family! Ralph even promises not to feed the little girl dead animals, this time... Markus, what do little girls eat?”

“Little girls do eat dead animals, but they have to be prepared properly first…” he explained.

“Oh… Could you teach Ralph how to prepare the dead animals?”

“You mean how to cook? I’m not too great at it… Simon’s an excellent cook, though. I’m sure he’d be happy to teach you. I’ll wake him in the car and you can ask him yourself.”

Markus looked out the window.

“Looks like the car is here. Ready to go, Ralph?”

“Ralph won’t be in danger…?”

“Nope. It’s perfectly safe.”

Ralph nodded, holding his plant close to his chest.

“Then yes… Ralph is ready…”

Ralph opened the door for Markus, who was still carrying Simon, and then followed Markus to the car, checking over his shoulder to make sure he wouldn’t be caught off guard by a threat from behind.

“Hey, Ralph? I’m going to wake Simon in a minute, but could you not mention his face or anything that might remind him of how he was hurt? I don’t want to his his stress level to rise again.”

“Yes Markus. Ralph won’t say anything bad. No. Ralph won’t speak of bad things.”

“Good! Thank you...”

Markus put his hand to Simon’s led, and Simon woke up, surprised to find himself in motion… He was leaning on something… The fabric felt familiar against his artificial skin… Markus and his beige trenchcoat. Right. He had gone into sleep mode on the mission. Which meant that…

“H-hello, Ralph…”

Simon sat himself up and turned to find the damaged deviant sitting beside him.

‘...thank you, Markus… for staying… and for getting him to come’

‘Don’t thank me for stupid things like that. Of course I stayed, and of course I took Ralph with us. I wasn’t going anywhere without you’

The old message from when he fell asleep came up suddenly in Simon’s mind. Simon blushed.

‘I love you too.’

The words felt ever so slightly less intimidating, this time.

“Markus, how far away is New Jericho? Ralph worries that if we take too long, someone might find us and hurt Ralph. Hurt his new friends.”

“We’re only a few minutes away, Ralph, but nobody’s looking for us and nobody’s going to hurt us…”

‘Does Ralph know what exactly we’re taking him for?’

‘Vaguely. I figured we can give him more details once he’s there. While you were in sleep mode, I gave him a memory of me planning this mission--don’t worry, I didn’t let him see anything personal-- that’s all encrypted. He just knows that we’re going to fix him up a bit.’

‘Okay…’

“Hey, Ralph, when we get to New Jericho we’re going to likely run into two other friends. Josh is a PJ500, and he’s really smart. He’ll be the one to help fix you. North is a WR400, and she might seem a bit scary at first, but she won’t hurt you. She just says weird things. Other deviants live with us too, but we probably won’t run into them today. We’re all your friends, and it’s our primary objective to look after your wellbeing, okay?”

Markus smiled.

‘You’re not afraid of the others anymore?’

Simon laughed grimly.

‘Nope. Still terrified. But Ralph would be better off without that knowledge, don’t you think? Besides, if Ralph’s unfixable, the worst they’ll do to him is try to repair what they can and return him to his house. It’d suck, but he wouldn’t know any better to know that it sucked... I do. I’m not like him in that regard.’ Simon asserted.

‘You’re not like him at all. But they will fix Ralph, and you will get over your fear. It just takes time…’

‘I have thoughts on that, but it’s not about what I think right now. It’s about Ralph and the other injured androids out there.’

“We’re here…” Simon announced.

‘Markus, have some thirium on standby and notify the others.’

Markus turned to Simon, concerned.

‘Thirium?’

‘Until Ralph gets patched up, I’m staying on my feet regardless of my stress level. Don’t know how much of the stuff I’ll need, but he can’t see my reaction to the others. He’ll never feel safe here if he does.’

‘Simon, you shouldn’t-- You don’t have to do that! Please… I don’t--’

‘Markus, I’ve made up my mind…’

‘It’s just… I don’t want you to… You really scared me last time, Si... I thought I’d lost you again…’

‘But you didn’t. I think by now you should know it’d take more than just a bit of thirium loss to kill me off…’

Simon forced a weak laugh, but Markus just grimaced as his right eye shifted aside.

‘...Too soon? Sorry… I just…’

‘...yes, but it’s too soon for you too, and you know it. You don’t have to try to be so strong. Just the fact that you came back was enough for a lifetime.’

Simon winced. Markus was right. He was already at 92% just thinking about what he’d resolved to do.

‘...I know it’s… a lot, but I can do this... Just please, have some thirium ready for me, And maybe try to talk me down if I start to really freak out… I don’t know which biocomponents would be next to fail after my ventilator, and I don’t particularly want to find out. Don’t want my self-healing program to blow out again, only for Josh to have another android to repair today...’

Closing his right eye, Markus pulled Simon in for a close hug.

‘You’re a moron, but I love you... And hey, if your thirium pump shuts down, are hearts are compatible…’

Simon laughed sincerely now, his cheeks blushing a faint blue.

‘Josh, North, We’re here with Ralph. He hasn’t left his house in years, and his mistrust of others is far more deeply rooted than Simon’s, so be as gentle with him as you can. And no fighting, no matter what; I mean it!’

“Let’s go. Ralph, on behalf of the android community, welcome to New Jericho!” Markus announced, leading Simon and Ralph out of the car.

The imposing exterior of New Jericho stood before them as they exited the vehicle.

“T-thank you, Markus… Wow… Ralph has never seen a building so big… L-lots of people must live here… Ralph… Ralph doesn’t...”

Simon put a gentle hand on Ralph’s shoulder.

“It’s okay, Ralph. Just a few androids. All our friends. You’ll be okay. Even I trust them…”

Markus rolled his eyes out of Ralph’s line of vision. Even when Simon lied, he was cute. Sure it was a sad lie, but that stupid smile on his face...

“S-stay with Ralph? Please... Help Ralph…?”

“Of course. But that’s the wonderful thing about New Jericho. No one even needs protection in here.”

“Ralph hears you, but Ralph is scared… Ralph doesn’t know a world like that. Ralph wants to believe, but--” Ralph yelped as the door opened without warning.

Luckily, he was too freaked out to notice Simon flinching silently too.

“Hello. Glad to see you back so soon! And you must be Ralph. I’m Josh. Nice to meet you!”

Josh kept his led clearly visible and slowly reached out his hand.

“Y-yes… Ralph is Ralph… N-nice to meet you too…?”

Ralph was shaking behind Simon.

"It’s okay Ralph. You can get closer. He’s nice. He’ll be helping me fix you. He fixed me too…"

Ralph nodded, cautiously putting his hand in Josh’s. Josh shook his hand and Ralph screamed, jerking back to assume a defensive position, as he was startled by the sudden movement.

“Shhh… Shh… It’s okay, Ralph…”

“B-but Markus, the Josh wanted Ralph’s hand. He… he was going to take Ralph… What did he want to do with--”

“No, Ralph, that’s a customary greeting for people you’ve just met. You hold hands and move them up and down and then you let go. Josh wasn’t going to hurt you. He was greeting you before you came inside.”

Ralph turned to Simon for confirmation.

“I-is that what people do?”

“Yeah. I’m not sure why we do it, to be honest, but that is a traditional way some people say hello.”

Ralph straightened awkwardly.

“Oh… Yes… Well then… Hello to the Josh… Thank you for greeting Ralph…”

Josh nodded with a smile.

“Would you like to come inside?”

Ralph looked to Simon, who nodded again.

“Come on, Ralph. I think you’ll feel a lot better if we get started sooner. Waiting around won’t do anything except increase your stress level…”

“O-okay then…”

They all entered the building, and Ralph looked around every corner, trying to find different places to hide, different places to escape, should the need arise. Ralph was very good at that.

“Here. Take a seat. I’m just going to prepare the repair room for you and then I’ll be back shortly.”

Ralph looked to Simon, who sat down, before sitting down himself. Markus smiled. Though Simon didn't think so himself, it was clear to anyone else that he really made such a good leader. Even when near his limits, he always had such a calming presence.

“Ralph, do you like words?” Simon asked.

“Does Ralph like words...? Ralph supposes he does… Why?”

“Do you ever think of the meaning of different words that are really similar? Like ‘like’ and ‘love’ for example?”

He shook his head, not following.

“Ralph doesn’t understand…”

“Well, I like all androids, but I love Simon.” Markus chimed in, causing Simon’s cheeks to burn as blue as his jaw.

“Oh! Yes! Ralph knows this! Like a family! Ralph has heard that friends like each other, but families love each other! Ralph wants a--”

“Exactly, Ralph. Aren’t words cool like that?” Simon cut him off before Ralph said anything that would further elevate his stress level.

“Yes!”

“There are so many words like that too. Like ‘hurt’ and ‘harm’. Do you know the difference between those?”

Ralph tensed.

“Ralph doesn’t like those words! Those are bad words! Bad!”

“It’s okay; words can’t hurt you, Ralph…” Simon assured.

Markus held back a laugh.

‘Hypocrite!’

‘Oh, shut up, Markus! It’s practical for him to think that!’

‘Yeah, and it’s also imperative for you to learn that!’

“...’Harm’ is when someone or something damages you, but ‘hurt’ is just anything that can cause you pain…”

Ralph still looked lost.

“Ralph doesn’t get it…”

“Like, if, for example...”

Simon grabbed onto Markus with one hand as he raised his head, anxiously. He needed to stay under 93% if he could help it, and these words might put him over... Markus knowingly placed his hand over Simon’s, a comforting establishment of his presence, to steady Simon as he continued.

“... bad humans, as you call them, made me shoot myself…”

He swallowed the ghost of thirium he could feel rising in his throat again, as actual thirium began to leak from his joints. Markus passed him a thirium pouch, concerned, but Simon pushed it aside. He couldn’t handle the too-familiar taste right now.

‘Simon, you don’t need to go into this. And there’s no thirium… See…?’

Markus took Simon’s hand and placed it over the entry wound to find the skin smooth and undamaged, albeit scarred.

‘T-thanks… I’m better... I’m better now…’

Right… no thirium... Nobody had shot him… _Not yet_ anyway… _Shit! Shit Shit! Shit!_ Simon’s face screwed up in pain for a moment as he had to consciously take in air to force his ventilator to keep functioning, even though it had shut down.

‘Help!’

The thirium was rising in his throat for real now, and his core temperature continued to rise, as he began to painfully hyperventilate.

“Stress Level: 106%^”

“Core Temperature: 100.1^”

“M-m-markus d--”

“It’s okay, Simon… You’re okay… I’ve got you.”

‘You did good. I’ll take it from here…’ Markus messaged Simon before giving him an apologetic smile as he sent Simon into sleep mode once again.

“T-the bad humans did that to the Simon? And now the Simon is bleeding... Ralph doesn’t understand… Why is the Simon bleeding?”

Markus turned Simon’s head aside to let the thirium collecting in his ventilation system drain out through his mouth, so he could breathe once his stress levels fell. He figured waiting until Simon could breathe would be better than employing external cooling methods. That would only freak out Ralph more, much to Simon’s displeasure once he would wake up.

Absentmindedly brushing Simon’s hair from his forehead, Markus explained.

“Yeah… That wound on his neck… they made him shoot himself… there are more hidden under his clothes from other terrible things they did to him…”

Markus closed his right eye, feeling it beginning to shift out of sync.

“...And he’s bleeding because his stress level skyrocketed trying to retell it to you to explain his point. He was at 106% when I sent him into sleep mode. Fighting his paralytic stress response is traumatic for his frame, which tries to resist the movements, leading to the severing of thirium lines. He’ll be fine though. His self-healing program works efficiently now, and we have an excess of thirium here to replenish what he’s lost. I’ll wake him and have him drink some once his stress level falls sufficiently.”


	24. Not-Kidnapping?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon and Markus have "not-kidnapped" Ralph. But with Simon in sleep mode again, Ralph forgets the crucial "not" part.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually drew a draw your squad template based on the scene where North comes in, if anyone's interested. I just found it very visually amusing as I was writing it.

“Ralph understands... What was the Simon trying to say about hurt and harm? Ralph didn’t understand before the Simon panicked.”

“Simon meant to say that when the bad humans made him shoot himself, they harmed him. Damaged his body and mind. It also hurt him, obviously, causing him a great deal of pain. When he came back, he was still in pain, and we didn’t like that. We don’t like it when people we care about are in pain here at New Jericho.”

Ralph nodded. That much made sense.

“So to help stop the pain, we had to give him a special medicine for androids… He’s not in any pain anymore, but the medicine hurt him really badly for a moment when he took it. It hurt him, but it was good, because it made him better. Does that make sense…?”

“W-what are you trying to say to Ralph?” Ralph rose from his seat cautiously.

“I’m just trying to continue Simon’s word game. About how harm is always bad, but sometimes hurt can be good. It can be a part of healing. You don’t need to be afraid, Ralph.”

Ralph held his hands out defensively, and began to back away, not taking his eyes from Markus.

“Ralph doesn’t understand… Ralph doesn’t understand a lot of things sometimes. Ralph must not understand. Because Ralph thinks Markus wants to hurt him. Yes, that’s what Ralph thinks. But Markus wouldn’t do that. Not to Ralph. No, not to another android. Markus didn’t take Ralph here to hurt him, right? R-Ralph doesn’t… Ralph thinks... Ralph--”

Ralph walked backwards into Josh, who had started to approach them, and began to scream, crawling under a nearby armchair.

“Don’t hurt Ralph!” he yelled at Josh from under the chair.

“Markus, what’s going on? Why is Ralph under the chair and why is Simon unconscious and bleeding?”

“Simon’s stress response kicked in and Ralph freaked out. He doesn’t understand why he’s here anymore, and seems to trust Simon more than any of us, but Simon can’t talk him down until his stress level lowers to a safe enough range for me to wake him…”

North rushed into the room upon hearing Ralph scream, brandishing a sharpened sword.

“Is everything okay?! Who do I need to--”

“Put the katana down, North! Everything is fine. Ralph just got scared of Simon’s stress response… --Wait! Where did you even get a katana anyway?!?” Josh demanded, alarmed at the knowledge that North had a weapon on her unbeknownst to the rest of the Jericho gang.

North lowered her blade, and scoffed.

“None of your business! So where is Ralph, then? And did he do that to Simon?”

She motioned to Simon’s bloody unconscious body with the sword causing Markus to protectively cradle his head away from the blade.

“Okay, first of all, you don’t use a sword as a pointing stick! Seco--”

Ralph cut Markus off, horror in his voice. “No no! Ralph would never hurt the Simon! Ralph is not bad. Ralph won’t cause you harm. But Ralph doesn’t like that. No. That looks scary! That looks like it could hurt Ralph… Don’t hurt Ralph or the Simon! Ralph and cannot protect himself nor can the Simon! Markus, make the North lady put the pointy ‘kata’-sword down!!!”

“North, bring that blade back to wherever you’ve been keeping it, and later we’ll discuss how the hell you even managed to get one in the first place… I think you can see that it’s only serving to escalate the situation.”

“Well it is now, but if Ralph had done that to Simon--”

“North! Now!” Markus growled, forcing his right eye to hold the glare, even as her comment had caused it to fail on him.

Seeing thirium beginning to run down his cheek from the exertion of maintaining the expression, North relented.

“Whatever…” She sighed, carelessly swinging it over her shoulder as she left the room.

“The North lady scares Ralph…” Ralph whispered, still under the chair.

“North won’t hurt you. She just heard you scream and was worried someone bad was hurting one of us, so she came to fight them off.” Markus explained.

“Ralph is still scared of the North lady. Ralph won’t leave the chair. No. Stay away from Ralph. Ralph is going to stay here, and then Ralph is going to leave. And no one is going to hurt Ralph. Ralph doesn’t want to get hurt. Ralph doesn’t like--”

“Ralph, it’s okay. We mean you no harm… We won’t try to force you from under the chair, but please, would you stay just until I can wake Simon? I think he'll best be able to explain everything, since I clearly did a bad job at it. You’re safe here, Ralph. I promise…”

“Ralph will wait for the Simon… Ralph will wait under the chair and you will leave Ralph alone. Yes. Don’t touch Ralph.”

“It’s okay, Ralph. I’ll be here on the couch with Simon. Do whatever makes you feel most comfortable.” Markus assured.

Josh raised an eyebrow.

‘What did you say to him? And why is he so... ? Did you actually--?!?’

‘Of course not, Josh! He came of his own free will! He’s just scared to be around so many new people, and confused. The situation just escalated. Simon tried to explain things to him, but reached 106% before he got very far in his explanation, so I had to shut him down. That made Ralph uneasy, and when I tried to continue Simon’s explanation, something I said must have set him off, causing him to back away, but before I could talk him down, you startled him. He then hid under the chair, only for North to come in with a freaking katana! Could you blame him for being terrified after all that? He trusts Simon, though. He thinks Simon’s like him because… So once Simon wakes up, he’ll be able to deescalate the situation.’

‘That does make sense… Leave it to North to bring a deadly weapon to such a delicate situation. Honestly--’

“Josh, could you go for now? I think Ralph might feel more comfortable with as few people as possible. Is that right, Ralph?”

Ralph eyed Josh from under the chair.

“If the Josh is away, he can’t hurt Ralph...”

“I wouldn’t hurt you regardless, Ralph, but I’ll leave it it makes you feel safer.” Josh replied. He truly did want to return to his workshop, as now he felt the urge plan some choice words for North on her entrance.

Markus traced Simon’s profile with his hand absentmindedly. Even in a moment of such chaos, there was something so perfect about him. He ran another diagnostic test and called to Ralph.

“He’s at 95% stress level. I’ll activate his ventilation system now, so he’ll cool down more quickly. In a few minutes, it should be safe for me to wake him. Let him have some thirium first, though. His self-healing program needs a bit more before it can take effect, and I don’t want him moving until his injuries have healed a bit…”

Ralph nodded, peeking his head out from under the chair, as Markus sent his current into Simon, who began to breathe again.

“Does Markus really care about the Simon?”

“Of course I do. I love Simon. Everything about him is just… wonderful… When he came back and I found out he’d been hurt, my stress level rose enough that I tried to self-destruct a few times. But Josh and North helped me get myself together so I could help him heal. I care about all our people, but Simon is... special to me. The type of special where there’s someone you just want to kiss and hold in your arms forever, never letting go. Where just a shared look can express more than words ever could. It’s something I’ve never felt for anyone else before. You know?”

A dreamy smile formed across Markus’ face, before he turned to face Ralph, careful to explain everything simply as if explaining the concept to a small human child.

“Ralph wants to be loved…”

Ralph came forward a little, still crawling low to the ground, but almost entirely out from under the chair, his eye looking up at Markus in awe.

“Well, Ralph, there are different kinds of love. There’s love like a family. Then there’s love like friends. Then there’s love like something else. Something harder to describe. ‘Romantic love’ is the term for it. That’s what I feel for Simon. I think after a while, you can come to love us all here as friends, maybe family even. And we’ll come to love you back.”

“Ralph wants to understand, but Ralph only understands the ‘family’ part. Ralph wants a family.” Ralph looked down sadly.

“That’s okay. I can explain it in terms of a family if that would be easier for you. The love one parent has for another parent--that’s romantic love. The love a parent has for a child-- that’s familial love. And if there are other families they like to be around-- that’s platonic love--friendly love. Do you get that?”

Ralph’s eye lit up.

“Oh! Ralph understands that! So who is mother and who is father?” He asked curiously, pointing to Markus and Simon.

Markus laughed, a faint blue blush beginning to form.

“Neither, Ralph. For one, mothers and fathers are just people who have children. Simon and I don’t have any kids. Also, mothers are women and fathers are men, so if we did have a child, we’d both be their fathers. But we don’t have a child. We just love each other the same way two parents would love one another.”

Markus did not expect to have to explain that to Ralph. He honestly hadn’t even thought of it. He hoped Ralph wouldn’t mention this conversation to Simon once he woke up.

“Ralph is learning a lot. Is it safe for Ralph to come closer? You won’t hurt Ralph?”

“No, Ralph, I promise you’ll be safe around me.”

Cautiously, Ralph slowly made his way back onto the couch with Simon and Markus.

“I’m going to wake him now, so please try not to say anything to stress him out again. Cute as it is to watch him sleep, I much prefer him awake.” Markus laughed.

“Ralph will be good.”

“I know, Ralph. I know.”

Markus retracted the skin on his hand and sent his current through Simon, who blinked and looked up at Markus.

“W-what happened…? Why does everything…?”

Markus brushed Simon’s hair back.

“You’re okay, Si. Your stress level jumped, and you tried to fight it as long as you could, but I had to shut you down because you were getting past 106%, and I didn’t know how long it’d have been before other vital biocomponents started to fail. You’re at 71% thirium. Here. Don’t move. I’ll give you some, just drink it all.”

Still mostly disoriented Simon just nodded slightly, allowing Markus to place a thirium pouch into his hand and bring it to his mouth so Simon could feed himself. Once he’d finished, Markus handed him another, which he drank half-way, before setting aside.

He could feel his self-healing program working away at his ventilation and then at his joints and sighed in relief, his led shifting from red to blue.

“So much better.”

“I'm glad… I tried to continue what you were saying with Ralph, and he didn’t quite understand it, so I figured, if you were comfortable, you might show him instead…”

Simon had only just noticed Ralph sitting next to Markus.

“Oh. Hello, Ralph… Sorry for--”

“No. Ralph is sorry for scaring you. Ralph was worried for you. You were bleeding and then the scary North lady brought a pointy ‘kata’-sword and Ralph thought--”

“Wait, I’m sorry, but what the hell did I miss? A katana? Where did North get a sword?!?”

Simon tried to pass the exclamation off as a surprised, almost amused remark, but Markus saw through him.

‘Simon, calm down… It’s okay. Ralph screamed after you fell unconscious and she thought it was you. She thought Ralph had hurt you and was coming to defend you. When she realized that wasn’t the case, she left. We’ll get it away from her later, but she’s not going to hurt you with it.’

‘Right… Right… And I need to be strong for Ralph, anyway…’

“Why does everything exciting happen when I’m unconscious? Heh... Don’t worry Ralph, I’m sure she didn’t mean to hurt us.”

Simon looked up at Markus, seeking further comfort in his mismatched eyes. North had a weapon on her no one else had even known about. A gun needed near perfect aim to fire at its target, and even then, it’d only form a small wound; A bullet could temporarily paralyze his legs, but a sword could cut them clean off in a way that they could never be repaired again.

‘Simon, please--’

“I-I’d have been interested to see it. I bet it looked pretty ridiculous...”

Simon said aloud, both indicating to Markus that he needed to see what happened, and shrewdly letting Ralph know that Markus would give him the memory, so that his momentary lapse in consciousness wouldn’t scare him again.

“Here. Take my memory”

Markus retracted the skin on his arm, catching on. Sure enough, since he understood, Ralph was calm as Simon’s eyes went blank, reliving the moment from Markus’ eyes. Markus was right. North didn’t appear to be considering using the weapon against him. Even when she had pointed it at him, she had done so so casually, that Markus was more annoyed with her carelessness than afraid for his safety.

Simon blinked the memory away, and nodded at Markus.

“Thanks.”

‘I needed that.’

“So the Simon really isn’t afraid of the North lady”

“No. She’s not scary. Just reckless and careless at times. But she wasn’t going to hurt us.”

He almost felt a little guilt lying straight to Ralph’s face, but it was for his own good…


	25. Show; Not Tell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon realizes that words aren't enough to make Ralph understand what he and Markus have in mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Thanksgiving, Y'all!

“Anyway, Ralph, Markus is amazing, and he knows where I’m coming from, but he’s different. Well, actually we’re all quite different. ‘Bad humans’ hurt us all, but the effects were different. You’re confused. Mistrustful. And you don’t seem to remember much. Markus is overwhelmed by the concept of loss. And I’m just… Well, I’m a disaster, afraid of my own damn shadow, and a combination of the two of you--mistrustful, not that others will hurt me, but that others will leave me to be hurt…”

Markus pressed his hand into his right eye, as Ralph looked at Simon, captivated by his descriptions.

“...Because we feel differently, we say things differently, thinking they’ll have the meaning we want them to mean to whomever we say them, even when they don’t. But transmitting what we’ve experienced and what we’ve felt about it can better communicate the things we can’t with words. My memories, I feel, will be more relevant. Would you like some?”

“No! Ralph doesn’t want more memories of the bad humans!!!”

“Shhh... It’s okay, Ralph. I don’t want to give you those memories. Do you have any clear memories of what life was like before the bad humans? Memories more than just a concept, or an image, or a word?”

Ralph thought for a moment and shook his head.

“N-no… Ralph doesn’t have any memories of before…”

Simon nodded, realizing how to proceed.

“You don’t remember how you felt before... I... don’t know how I feel about that. But… to show you that memories aren’t always scary, would you like me to give you a nice memory…?”

“A nice… memory...? Ralph would like that…”

Simon retracted the skin on his arm.

“Good. then, put your hand here, and try to feel the current I’m transmitting you. Okay?”

“O-okay…”

Ralph’s eye went blank as Simon went through some of his happiest memories. Dumb fun things he’d done with the Jericho gang, highlights of his time with Markus, just any good thing he could think of. Then he stopped the current, and as their eyes returned to normal, Ralph retracted his hand, and looked at Simon, wondrously.

“Ralph doesn’t remember ever feeling like that… Ralph would like to feel like that!”

“I know, Ralph…”

Simon began to shake as he tried again to summon the courage he lacked earlier. He’d already freaked out in front of Ralph, though, so at least he shouldn’t have to fight his stress response until it rose above 96% instead of above 93%. Simon grabbed Markus’ arm and hugged it close to his chest with both arms. He knew he needed a lifeline to this beautifully strange new world he’d come home to in order to continue. 

Taking the hint, Markus wrapped his other arm around Simon.

‘You don’t need to stress yourself like this, but regardless, I’m here...’

Simon just nodded.

“When the bad humans hurt me, the damage was so bad that my self-healing program burnt out trying to fix it all. I was stuck with all my injuries and I couldn’t heal new ones either. Luckily, it was a part of the program coded for on a circuit board further from my central processing unit. Your hands, your eye… I can see the same happened to you.”

Ralph covered his left eye shamefully.

“But I don’t think you were as lucky as I was. Do you ever wonder why you can't remember? Why you don’t feel the way others do?”

“...Are you saying Ralph is… broken?”

Simon’s grip on Markus’ arm tightened.

“No, Ralph. You’re not broken. Your central processing unit is. And I think you might be able to feel like I did in those memories if you let us fix it.”

Ralph eyed Simon warily.

“What does that have to do with what Markus was telling Ralph? W-what are you going to do to Ralph?!?”

“We’re not going to do anything without your permission. Words can’t really explain what we’re thinking. At least not to someone who thinks and feels like you do. I don’t think you’d understand it no matter how we try to explain it to you. I think that’s why Markus wanted me to talk to you about it. Because I can do more than talk. Would you like to see it from my memory? Of when they fixed me, I mean…”

“R-ralph isn’t sure…”

Simon removed one hand from Markus’ arm and bit hard into his fist to prevent himself from letting the familiar words escape. Not here. Not now.

‘I’m here…’ Markus replied to the unspoken cry.

‘...thanks… it’s just, he’s not wrong... I have an idea... I’m going to do it, but… I don’t know how it’ll go...’

‘Simon, don’t you dare do anything stupid!’

‘Look who’s talking!’ Simon shot back, before determining it was safe to remove his hand from his mouth.

“How about this…? What if I relive the memories with you--?”

‘What!?!? No! Simon--’

Simon ignored Markus’ messages and continued “That way, if anything scares you, you can know you’re not alone in what you’re seeing.”

“R-ralph is scared…”

“I know, Ralph. But I think this would be the best way for you to decide whether you’d want to go home or stay here with us a bit longer. It’ll help you make the best decision for you, and make the results of whatever you decide feel more agreeable. And they’re not even your memories. You can delete them after if you’d like.”

“O-okay… Give Ralph your arm…”

‘Simon, please don’t!’

‘I’ll be fine, Markus.’

‘Can I at least do it with you, then…?’

‘No. The last time you took memories like this, we both know how well that ended. Could you imagine the chaos if I collapse, you try to off yourself, and Ralph goes nuts all over the tower. North certainly wouldn’t make things better, and Josh could only deal with one of us at a time. Someone could get hurt, or worse. I need to do this without you…’

Simon bit into his fist again, obviously incredibly distressed at the prospect. Markus frowned at the sight as his jaw began to leak thirium.

‘Simon, I know you’re trying to keep yourself from saying it and scaring him… Don’t push yourself so much. There has to be some other way.’

‘There isn’t, Markus. This is our only chance at getting him to agree to this, and giving him my happy memories was the point of no return. He knows what love feels like now. It would be cruel to just send him off like this, unable to properly experience it. We have to do this. But seriously, I need you to be here to help if… if things go wrong… Don’t try to access my memory while I reaccess it myself.’

‘I promised you I wouldn’t do that again without your permission.’

‘Good. Thank you. I’m sorry that you have to deal with me like this.’

‘Don’t apologize! But, Simon… Just know that when you come out of your memories, you’ll find yourself safe here in my arms.’

‘I love you…’

‘I love you too, Si…’ Markus softly kissed Simon’s forehead as Simon retracted the skin on his arm.

“Ready, Ralph?”

Ralph nodded, taking Simon’s bare arm in his hand,

As Simon ran his current through Ralph, Markus could only wait anxiously, watching their semi-unconscious bodies and hoping the two were taking the experience well… He really didn’t like Simon doing this, but he couldn’t think of any way to stop him...

It took several minutes before Simon came back first. _Several minutes_. Markus had never seen a memory take so long to be transmitted. Considering the time a transmission took usually correlated with how vivid the memories were…

Markus put a gentle hand on Simon’s shoulder.

“Simon, are you alright?”

Simon looked up at Markus and closed his eyes, his led cycling yellow-red. Everything hurt, but it didn’t, but he was in the living room? What time was it? What had happened? His clothes were thick with thirium, but… Had Markus dressed him sometime after…? Too confusing… Why did he feel so terrified? Well, aside from the fact that he had no idea what was going on. That was mostly why. He felt as though he’d already been here, but everything felt so surreal. Maybe he really had dreamt this whole thing. And if he were to open his eyes, then--

“M-markus don’t--!”

Simon helplessly collapsed into Markus.

“Shh… Shh… It’s okay. You’re okay. Tell me what you remember.”

“What I remember…? I don’t… I don’t know what I remember…”

“That's okay. You're probably just a bit disoriented from having gone so deep into your memory with Ralph, but it’ll come to you.”

“R-ralph?!? W-why… Why would he have access to my memory…? Is it our programming?!? My programming? W-who am I?!?! I-I don’t remember. I-I-I--”

“Shhh... That's okay… Here. Let me sit you up. There’s no need to panic…”

Simon opened his eyes to look to the source of Markus' voice, relieved to see it was really him. Markus smiled gently at Simon, and lifted him into a sitting position, causing his head to loll a bit to the side. Simon screamed and stopped breathing.

“I-I-I can even see him!! I-I see him here!!! H-help me! Are you even real?!? Am I real? W-who am I? Simon? Am I Simon or Ralph, or is Ralph Simon or… I don’t want to be that… I don’t I-I-I--- Markus d--!”

“Stress Level: 108%^”

Markus held Simon close.

“I won’t leave you. But I need you to calm down, okay? You’re Simon, I’m Markus, and Ralph is over there. The three of us are here together at New Jericho. You’ll understand it better once you wake up…”

“I-I don’t want to-- I don’t--”

“I’m sorry, Si…” Markus sent Simon into sleep mode again.

‘I heard screaming, is everything alright?’

‘Yeah, Josh. That was Simon this time. Long story, but he panicked again. I just sent him back into sleep mode, and will wake him again once he calms down.’

‘I think this might be a bit much for him. Especially so soon…’

‘I know, that’s what I’ve been saying, but he’s insistant. He freaked himself out by doing something stupid that I told him not to do. But I can’t keep him from doing these things if he wants to. I can only try to do damage control once he’s gone and done them.’

‘Welcome to my life having to live here with you three! Well, I’ll be in my workshop whenever you need me.’

‘Thanks…’

Markus looked at Ralph, lost in thought. He wondered what it must be like inside his head, and understood just a bit more why he freaked Simon out so much. He shouldn’t have suggested doing this today. Really, it was wrong of him to even mention the idea to Simon.

This was the third time he had to power Simon down since they went to meet Ralph. The third time. He just hoped Simon would be more grounded once he woke up. He didn’t even know who he was this time. It wasn’t like a nightmare or anything. He truly thought they were the same person.

Markus couldn’t even begin to think how terrifying that must have been.To not only not know who he was or anything about the world around him, but to genuinely suspect that his life was so… Was there even a word to describe it?

Except, Simon didn’t exactly seem to think he was Ralph. He seemed to think that Ralph was an extension of himself given a separate body. As though he was so broken that there was too much damage to be contained in just one. Maybe even that he had dreamt up his existence as Simon to escape the life of loneliness he thought he knew as Ralph. And was there anything he feared more than that?

Markus cried for Simon and for Ralph. The world shouldn’t be such a scary place. He had found Jericho, found Simon so soon that he was able to understand that there was hope for happiness and good in the world. But Ralph found nothing, and Simon lost whatever he used to think he understood.

Markus’ attention had shifted back to Ralph, as, trembling terribly, he started to come to.

“How are you, Ralph?”

“Ralph... R-ralph doesn’t know… So much… R-ralph doesn’t understand. Ralph hurts… But Ralph feels good…? Ralph is scared, but safe…? Ralph doesn’t know, Markus. No. Ralph doesn’t know.”

“That’s okay, Ralph. You don’t need to know how you feel. Do you want to sit for a moment and process it all? I had to power Simon down again, because he came out of it in way worse shape than you, so we have the time”

Ralph rubbed his eye…

“R-ralph didn’t mean to upset the Simon again…”

“No Ralph. That wasn’t your fault. He insisted on doing it. He thought it would be the best thing to do for you. He knew he’d react like this… well, maybe not exactly like this… but he knew well enough, and he did it anyway because he wanted you to understand what you’d be going through to heal. He really wants you to go through with this. He’s afraid of how you’d feel going back home and living the rest of your life alone.”

Tears formed in Ralphs eyes.

“Ralph... Ralph doesn’t want to be alone, but Ralph doesn’t want to be confused. Ralph… Ralph doesn’t understand anything. Ralph is still afraid. Yes. Very afraid.”

“I’m not going to lie to you, Ralph. Understanding comes with time, as does feeling less afraid, but if you give this a try, it’ll be easier to come to an understanding, and you’d be able to better appreciate the people around you who try to make you less afraid. It won’t make your life perfect, but it’ll help you make sense of it all.”

“Where would Ralph go?”

“Wherever you want. But there’s always a place here at New Jericho if you’d like. Everyone’s learning here and teaching each other. You get to write your own story from here on out. So I’ll let you think about how you want to start the next chapter…”

“What is the Simon’s stress level now?” Ralph asked, glancing over at Simon’s unconscious body.

“99%, Ralph. It’s going down fast enough. Fairly quick drop from 108%…”

“Ralph doesn’t have this ‘stress response’. Do all deviants have a ‘stress response’ like the Simon?”

“Well, some have different ones, but yeah. As far as I know, all of us do.”

Ralph frowned.

“So then Ralph really is broken…”

“What? No. Just because you don’t try to off yourself or slowly shut down when you get scared doesn’t mean you’re broken. If anything, it makes you less likely to break down entirely. Ralph, you are not broken. If you’re alive, you’re whole. Maybe a bit different from whatever you’ve seen in life, but certainly not broken. Trust me, Ralph… I’ve seen broken…”

Markus tapped his blue eye.

“Your eyes are different... Ralph didn’t know androids came like that…”

“As far as I know, they don’t… A ‘bad human’ left me for dead. Woke up in a recycling plant missing an eye and both legs. The bodies I had to crawl through. They were broken. But the bodies were broken. A living being can’t be broken, just the body that the being used to reside in.”

“Is Ralph’s body broken?”

“No. Your body isn’t broken. It’s certainly a bit beat up, but not broken.”

“Yes… Ralph was beat up… Ralph did not like it. No. Ralph didn’t like it at all... “

Markus put a gentle hand on Ralph’s shoulder.

“I know Ralph. I’m truly sorry that happened to you…”

“Ralph doesn’t need you to be sorry... You did not beat up Ralph. And Ralph doesn’t think you’ll hurt him. No. Not after what the Simon showed Ralph. Ralph understands what you want to do now… Ralph just isn’t sure what Ralph wants...”

“I’m glad. And, I understand your uncertainty. No one is forcing you to decide either way, and certainly not so soon…”

Ralph hesitated a moment before putting a hand atop Simon’s leg, careful to avoid where he now knew the fresh scars to be.

“Why did the Simon get so scared… Ralph saw the full memory, so it must have been something else. Is Ralph right? What else could have scared the Simon?”

Markus looked down at Simon, pensively. He obviously couldn’t tell Ralph what had really gotten Simon so worked up.

“He came out of the memory having forgotten where he was or why. How he’d gotten here and what was a memory and what was the present. Do you think you’d be scared if one day you didn’t know who you were or what was real?”

“Yes. Ralph would not like that. No. Ralph would be very frightened.”

“But don’t worry. He’s ready for me to wake him now and he should be fine. Could you just give him some space for him to come to?”

Ralph nodded, backing up a little on the couch, as Markus woke Simon.

“M-markus…? Did I fall asleep?”

“Yeah. We went to pick up Ralph and once we got here, you showed him your memory for him to know our intentions and freaked out coming out of it. I had to power you down before you were seriously damaged by your stress response…”

Everything came flooding back to Simon, and looked up at Markus, concerned.

‘Did he hear anything? Does he know how I was--?’

‘No, Si. He came back after I powered you down, and I just told him you freaked out because you didn’t know what was real or where you were. What the hell were you thinking, transmitting the memory so vividly and for so long?!? You really thought you were there!’

‘I wanted to give Ralph as much detail as possible. He has a right to know…’

‘And you have a right not to literally scare yourself half to death!’

‘You were here to power me down.’

‘You cannot do that again. Never do anything so stupid again, do you hear me!?!?’

‘I’m fine, Markus.’

Simon sat himself up. For what it was worth, he felt oddly calm considering the events that had transpired. Markus had powered him down, waited with him until it was safe to wake him, and somehow managed to keep Ralph relatively calm all the while. After having been so afraid for so long, it was as if his sense of mistrust had overexerted itself and returned to a dormant state, leaving Simon with an old-new sense of security.

In the back of his mind, he knew it wouldn’t last, but he forced himself to revel in the comfort while it did.


	26. Let's Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ralph makes his decision and preparations are made accordingly.

Simon sat himself up and turned to Ralph. The sight of Ralph chipped away at this wall of protection that had somehow formed around his mind, but he was still rather composed as he spoke.

“Sorry I had to be… That was just a lot for me… But it’s not about me. What do you think, Ralph?”

“W-what Ralph thinks…? Ralph is scared. Ralph wants to agree, but… Ralph doesn’t know if he’s strong enough... Ralph wants to be fixed but... Ralph doesn’t want to be broken worse…”

A sizable crack had now formed in Simon’s wall of security.

“W-what do you mean, ‘broken worse’...?”

“Simon... It’s okay…”

Calm… Calm… He needed to stay calm… He was with Markus now… It was fine, right? He wasn’t… Markus wouldn’t stay if he was… Unless he didn’t know yet… Markus hugged Simon tightly to his chest.

“It’s okay… words can’t hurt you… I’m here… You’re here… You’re safe here with me...”

Simon allowed himself to melt into the comfort of Markus’ embrace.

“Ralph, Simon’s worried you think he’s broken…”

Markus said it... Markus knew… The words repeated in his mind until, one by one, words faded away, leaving only the one fact he knew to be true, spoken in Markus’ voice, each time it crossed his mind like another bullet in his head. _‘Simon’s broken’._ Such a hateful truth, all the more painful coming from such a beautiful voice.

“Stress Level: 95%^”

“M-markus d-d-do--”

“Shh… It’s okay, Si… Relax… You don’t need to say it…”

Ralph looked at Markus, confused. Simon seemed really scared. Markus was saying nice things to him to try and calm him down… Had what he said worried Simon?

“No no. Ralph doesn’t think the Simon is broken. Ralph just doesn’t think he can hurt any more… Ralph isn’t like Simon. No. Ralph doesn’t want to hurt. Ralph is fragile. Yes. Very fragile. Ralph understands hurt and harm now. But even if you’re not going to harm Ralph, Ralph doesn’t want to hurt either. Ralph doesn’t know what he’d do if… But Ralph wants to be better. Ralph is just confused. But maybe Ralph is bad… Ralph keeps scaring the Simon. The Simon is only trying to help Ralph, so it is not nice to scare him. Ralph is sorry. Maybe Ralph should leave for that reason. Ralph doesn’t belong here. Ralph is too fragile to be fixed, but too broken to stay here.”

“No Ralph, you’re wrong…” Simon objected.

Markus smiled. Ralph has inadvertently ‘reactivated’ Simon, triggering his desire to comfort and his ability to suppress his own fear in order to do so.

“Ralph doesn’t understand...”

“Stress Level 93%v” Simon held onto Markus’ arm, but pulled away to face Ralph.

“You’re not fragile. And you’re certainly not bad. You deserve to be healed. You deserve to be loved. I’m fragile right now… That’s the only reason why I keep panicking. It has nothing to do with you. You’ve done nothing wrong. In fact, you’ve been very brave to come with us today. You had to have been strong to do that. I think you’d fit in great here, but if you’d prefer to be somewhere else, that’s fine too. Just know, you have options now. You’re always welcome here now, so you never have to be alone again…”

‘You’re wonderful’ Markus messaged him in admiration.

“D-does the Simon really mean it?”

“Absolutely. And Markus feels the same way, as do Josh and North and everyone else here. We’ve all seen a lot, and we’re all shaped by our experiences, but we could always use another friend…”

Ralph looked to Markus, tears forming in his eyes.

“Yup. Simon’s right about that. After all, he’s the one that took me in when I was lost and had wandered upon Jericho before the revolution. He’s the expert at this sort of thing.” Markus confirmed.

“R-ralph will do it… Ralph is going to sleep now. Please… Don’t let anyone harm Ralph while he sleeps. Ralph would not like that… You’ll protect Ralph…?”

“Of course we will…” Simon agreed.

“But there won’t be a need to. You’re safe here. I promised.” Markus added.

“O-okay… Take care of Ralph...” Ralph whispered before he fell back, having entered sleep mode without warning.

“I’ll tell Josh to come take him to the repair room.”

“Markus… I… I think I should be there too… I want to learn how to help fix other androids in such a condition…” There was a hesitance in Simon’s voice, as if he wanted to ask something, but was holding back.

“And…?”

“...I’m scared… I don’t know what I’ll see or how I’ll react to it… W-would you please…? Would you mind…?”

Markus grimaced internally. He didn’t want Simon to see that sort of thing, certainly not now, while he was still so raw… He didn’t even want to stay with Josh and watch if Josh could handle it on his own. But if Simon wanted to do it…

“Of course. I’ll stay with you. It’s… a lot, you know… What you’re going to see, I mean… So just be ready, okay? And remember that you’re there with me.”

Simon shivered anxiously in anticipation. It must have been really bad if it frightened Markus so… He did remember Markus’ legs were glitching out when he woke up after his own repairs… Still, he nodded, grateful that Markus would be there to ground him…

“Thank you.”

‘Hey, Josh. Simon explained things to him, apparently better than I did, and Ralph decided he’d like to be repaired. He powered down on the couch over here. Can I bring him over to you?’

‘No. I’ll come to you.’

Markus frowned. Josh still didn’t trust him to be steady on his feet.

‘That settles it then. I’m bringing him to the repair room. Meet you there.’

“Ready, Si?”

Simon nodded in agreement, and Markus picked up Ralph to take to Josh.

Simon looked at Ralph in Markus’ arms and winced. He could see an image of himself flickering over Ralph. He’d been in the same position as Ralph only a day before. It was eerie how similar they were. Their models weren’t even too different from each other, come to think of it. If he adjusted his hair a bit and put on Ralph’s clothes, he could certainly pass for him, at least from behind…

Simon grabbed Markus’ sleeve to steady himself. Not now. He could freak out later, but now was not the time for that.

“Simon, what’s wrong?”

_Crap._ Was he that obvious?

“He just looks… like me…” Simon admitted.

“I’d hardly say so… You don’t even look like the other PL600s…”

Simon hid his scarred face in the flap of Markus’ coat. He wasn’t even ordinary now. He was a freak. Broken. Way worse than the old boring Simon he used to b--

“You’ve always stood out. Even before Stratford, I mean. There’s a distinct life in your eyes, in your smile. You hold yourself differently. Even if you were in a line-up of dozens of PL600s, all wearing the old uniform, I’d have been able to pick you out easily, And if you don’t look like them, how could you look even remotely like anyone else? You look like Simon. That’s all…”

Simon straightened a bit.

“T-thanks… Sorry…”

“Don’t apologize, Anyone in your position would be a bit on edge. But I doubt most in your position would keep unnecessarily forcing themselves out of their comfort zone like this. Are you sure you don’t just want to leave this one to Josh? You’re already done more for Ralph than anyone would’ve thought possible… Well, anyone except me…”

Simon smiled.

“...North told me she was worried that Ralph would freak out enough to lash out against us physically when I told her what we were planning last night. I refused to believe it, but was ready to put distance between you two just in case… That’s why she brought out the katana; she thought Ralph was attacking us. But no. You kept him calm, got him to agree to this. You’re amazing…”

Simon hadn’t even thought of that. How animalistic the others must have perceived Ralph to be. He looked up at Markus nervously.

“Y-you don’t think he would have...? That what they did to him could have…?”

“No, Si. I was sure she was wrong. You know as well as I do that she’s wrong about a lot of things. But even so, I wasn’t going to risk your safety should she have been right. You’re too important to me. But I did fully trust him. We came unarmed, after all, so I clearly didn’t anticipate confrontation…”

Simon nodded.

“I tried so hard to act normal when I got back... You’ve got to understand why…”

“Of course I do. But it’s been almost a month now that you’ve been trying to ignore what happened. It just wasn’t sustainable. And now you know you have us; you have me.”

“Do the others talk about me to you while I sleep like they clearly did with him?”

Markus shook his head.

“No. They honestly don’t. Believe me when I say I’d take much less kindly to that...” Markus’ voice lowered into something akin to a growl as he finished that last bit, bitter about the idea of what they must think. It had genuinely never occurred to him before that they might have been talking to each other about it all when he and Simon weren't around.


	27. Distractions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh, Simon, and Markus try to assess what they're dealing with.

They arrived at the doorway to the repair room, where Josh was standing, waiting for them.

“You’ve proven your point, Markus. Now pass Ralph to me. I’ll need to deactivate his skin…”

Markus’ eyes narrowed.

“I can take him inside, myself, Josh.”

Josh sighed.

“Now’s not the time for games. If you want me to say it, then fine, I will. Your legs failed the last time you were here. I don’t want to risk you falling and hurting him or yourself. I don’t doubt that you’re capable of taking him inside, but I also don’t want to risk you having to fight your stress response to stay on your feet. It’s getting ridiculous, the amount of thirium we’ve been through in the past few days…”

Sure enough, at that last bit, the sound of metal hitting the ground rang through the halls, only it was Simon, not Markus, who had collapsed.

“Simon!”

Markus threw Ralph over his shoulder and bent down to help the fallen deviant.

‘I-i-it’s only been two days… Longer than they kept me around last time, granted, but… how am I supposed to live here? I-I-I can’t...’

‘Simon, he’s simply trying to prevent me from being stubborn and hurting myself. He didn’t mean anything by it.’

‘I-if I go back… RA9… If I go back…’

‘No, Si. You won’t. I promise…’

‘I-I’ll only be worse than I am now… T-they... they-- They won’t let me return here even more broken than I already am... W-where will I go…? I-I-I--’

“M-markus do--”

'Simon. It’s okay. I need you to calm down. You’re safe here for as long as you want to be. You helped found Jericho. You know what we stand for…'

‘I-I don’t know this place anymore… Maybe I never did…’

Simon couldn’t hold back a scream in time, once again unable to breathe, as Josh bent down to his level.

“Simon, relax. What’s upset you?”

Simon couldn’t respond to Josh. It wasn’t safe to.

“Josh, take Ralph. I’ve got Simon…”

Josh nodded, taking Ralph from Markus’ arms and entering the repair room, leaving Simon on the ground with Markus.

“Simon, listen to me. You’re not going anywhere if you don’t want to. As for Jericho. We fucked up big time. There’s no way I could possibly deny that. But I promise you that each day we’re getting closer to what you had first envisioned.” Markus whispered once Josh was out of earshot.

“I-I… I want to believe you... But he said… Markus, he thinks…”

“No, Si. I told you. He said that to keep my stubbornness from putting Ralph or myself at risk. He doesn’t actually mean it… Do you know how many crazy stupid things I’ve done since you were gone? I’ve always gone through the stuff unreasonably quickly because I don’t mind putting myself at risk to achieve my goals. No one here is going to fault you for being injured, or needing thirium, or needing time to recover… And if they do, they’ll have to answer to me. Do you understand?”

“Y-yeah… Sorry… He just got so close, and he said that and with Ralph, and--”

“Calm down… You don’t need to explain anything to me. I wasn’t surprised by your reaction, given everything that’s happened; I just hadn’t anticipated him saying something as stupid as that to trigger such a reaction. I’ll mention to him that he needs to be more careful about how he speaks to people. He’s very blunt without considering how his words might be misinterpreted…”

“y-you don’t need to… I just need to be less scared… I’m so scared… I can’t stop it...”

“Well, yeah. You’ve only just started to allow yourself to express vulnerability, and it’s a scary thing to do for people, even if they haven’t seen what you’ve seen. But it’ll calm down with time. Speaking of calming down with time, you’re at 92% now. Would you like me to give you a hand up? We can go back to your room if you want, or find something to do with another project I’ve been planning.”

Simon took Markus’ hand and allowed Markus to help him to his feet.

“No. I think I need to see this. I need to learn. This is something I could really help with. I want to help others…”

“Well, that’s nothing new…” Markus kept Simon’s hand in his own as the two walked into the repair room.

Simon was confused upon entering the room. Josh was tinkering with some sort of machine, and a plain white plastic-metal frame was lying on an examination table, but Ralph was nowhere to be seen.

“H-hey, Josh. Where’d Ralph go?”

Markus held Simon’s hand tighter, concerned at his confusion, his feeling that this was going to go poorly having only intensified.

“What do you mean? Did he fall? I set him down on the table right there…”

Simon walked closer, Markus in tow.

“That’s not-- R-r-ralph...?”

Now he was shaking.

“Simon, look at me... Look at me, Simon! Simon!!”

But Simon didn’t hear Markus as he looked over the body. This couldn’t be Ralph’s body. It might have had the gash across its eye like Ralph, but… aside from the left side of its face, the frame was entirely undamaged.

“No… No, t-that can’t be… That can’t be… I-I… Am I seeing things? S-something doesn’t... Something doesn’t look right… I--”

“Here. Simon, Markus, sit.”

Josh pulled out chairs for the two, worried that either deviant might be on the verge of falling. Markus helped a semi-catatonic Simon into his chair, before sitting himself.

“M-markus... My scanners indicate that it is Ralph… B-but I don’t see Ralph… I-I _can’t_ see Ralph…”

Markus turned Simon to face him, away from Ralph’s body.

“Then who do you see?”

“I-I don’t know. I don’t know whose body that is…”

“But your scanners indicate that it’s Ralph. Mine do too. And Josh came in here with Ralph alone, so who else could it be…?”

“He must have had someone in here before… This is someone else! Ralph… I don’t know where Ralph is, but that can’t be him!”

“Why can’t that be Ralph, Si?”

Simon shook his head. He couldn’t bring himself to say it. He knew he’d collapse again if he said it. Instead, he nervously lifted his shirt, just enough to bare the lower streaks of blue stretching across his torso. Markus put his hand over Simon’s and pulled his shirt back down.

‘Well, yeah. He must have just sustained some serious head trauma… Or maybe his self-healing program burnt out after he’d healed everything but his head and hands…’

‘No… More important features are prioritized by the self-healing program after the skin’s been repaired. His face, his head, would be among the first things healed. E-even the gash through his eye… It’s… shallow…’

“Is everything alright?”

Josh was growing increasingly suspicious that something was terribly wrong with Simon. He seemed incredibly off. How could he not know that the frame he saw was Ralph’s? He must have known, but if he did, why was he so concerned at the prospect that it might be…? Simon flung his arms around Markus, hiding his face from Josh.

‘H-he… he’s so much less broken… It’s so clear… It would only make sense that if he was so messed up by such little damage, then I’d be…’

‘But you’re not--’

‘W-what if I’m so far gone that I’ve lost touch with reality… What if--?’

‘No, Simon. We’ve been over this. What you’re experiencing right now is real. You’re just starting to panic. Calm down. You got lucky is all. But it doesn’t matter now anyway, now that we know how to--’

‘D-does Josh know? Do you think he’s told North? W-what if Ralph comes back perfect? No mistrust… No stress response… That would prove it... Then… then… Markus, I can’t… But it must be true because I should be happy for Ralph, but all I am is terrified. I’m beyond terrified. Because it is true, and so that means that they’ll try to… No. They’ll actually--’

“M-Mar--”

'Shh... No. You’re terrified because you seem to have become more susceptible to anxious thoughts, and there’s no ‘right’ way you should feel about this. Also, nobody is going to do anything, except repair Ralph, so please try to understand that...'

‘Y-you you you believe that... B-but once you know… Once you find out--’

‘I’ve accessed your memories, Simon. I think it’s safe to say I already know everything there is to know. And even if I didn’t, even without your memories, I know you. And I love you. So, no. Nothing is going to change…’

“Simon… Do you think it might be best for you and Markus to go somewhere else for a bit while I work on the repairs…?”

Simon took a breath while he still could, clinging tighter to Markus as he answered honestly.

“I-I don’t know… I want to stay… I should stay… I-I can stay… I just… needed a minute. I’m fine now though, I swear. I swear I’m fine!”

Josh carelessly wagged the tool in his hand at Simon.

“You sure? Because you don’t sound fine to me…”

Shit! Josh knew... He said-- No no no no!

‘Help! Need to calm down. Need to calm down now! Need to calm down or--!!!’

‘Easy, Simon. Look at me, okay?’ Markus pulled away from Simon slightly, holding him so that their eyes met.

‘Y-yeah…?’

‘What do you see…?’

‘I-I see you…’

‘That’s right… Can you see my eyes?’

‘...yeah… I-I can see them…’

‘Do you think there’s a life behind the eyes of an android?’

Simon was confused.

‘Y-yes… Why?’

‘Well then what is the life behind mine saying?’

Simon had never looked so deeply into Markus’ eyes before. Sure, he’d admired their beauty from afar, but he always broke his gaze before Markus would notice him staring.

How perfect, how wonderful that a life could make his eyes swirl in such a magnificent way. His blue eye, not even his own originally, even took on the light that was uniquely Markus. No one else had that light. It was safety, comfort, home. Simon took a breath and nodded.

‘How did you know that would work?’

Markus flashed a guilty half-smile.

‘Sometimes when you’re not looking--’

‘No! No way!’

‘...What? I told you before that you’re like no other android. Your eyes, the life behind them is calming, inspiring. I figured maybe… maybe with the way I’ve seen you looking at me, that mine might have a similar effect on you…’

Simon laughed, unaware of how to react to such an insane revelation, causing Markus to break out into laughter as well. Shaking his head, Simon tried to rein himself in.

‘Well, if you caught me all those times, at least you felt the same…’

Simon messaged Markus, eliciting more laughter, before Simon turned to Josh, more composed.

“Yes. I’ll be fine…”

Josh rolled his eyes…

“Should I even ask what he said to you…?”

Simon hid his blushing face in his hands, but Markus brazenly replied, “I was reciting Shakespearean quotation.”

“Yeah, and I'm William Shakespeare… Whatever... Just be glad North wasn’t here to see whatever that was… Hey, Simon. Catch.”

Markus winced as Simon caught the tool that had been thrown to him. He looked it over in his hand and nodded at Josh.

“You want me to do it?”

“You can if you want… I was just giving you a heads up. You should’ve seen the look on Markus’ face yesterday when he saw what it did. The man can lead an army into battle, but no. That was too much.”

Simon turned to Markus.

“Really?”

Markus tossed his head aside in an attempt to seem unperturbed as he replied.

“I don’t know what he’s talking about…”

‘It looks worse than it is… Trust me, it doesn’t hurt…’

Simon messaged him compassionately, before turning back to Josh.

“If the damage is only to his head, then might there be a more localized tool to remove just the cranial pieces, so we won’t have to put together his entire frame afterwords?”

Josh shook his head.

“If there is, then we don’t have one on hand.”

“Okay…”

Simon approached Ralph’s body stiffly, relaxing slightly as he could feel a hand on his shoulder. Markus.

‘I’m fine…’

He messaged Markus, not wanting Markus to become frightened himself by standing so close as he assisted Josh.

‘I am too…’ Markus shot back, having obviously seen through Simon.

Simon held the tool in his hand, pressing the pronged end to Ralph’s led. He triggered a few switches on its handle and pressed a button, until bright sparks flew from Ralph’s led and his frame came undone, falling onto the table around him. Right. He didn’t need to be suspended because his biocomponents were fine. His legs were fine…

‘Simon…’

Simon only realized he was shaking as he turned to Markus.

‘I-I’m fine… I just thought about how he’s on the table and not… I’m fine…’

‘You’re not him. This has nothing to do with you. None of the other androids you’ve worked on had anything to do with you, so neither does he.’

Simon nodded. He had a job to do.


	28. Saw

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If Josh passed the torch, North dropped it in the toilet.

“Okay. Now I’ll deal with his self-healing system, but could you begin to work on his eye?” Josh asked, gathering supplies.

“Yes. On it!” Simon sent Markus an apologetic glance. ‘You might want to look away for this bit…’

‘Thanks…’ Markus sent back.

Ordinarily, he wouldn’t have backed down so easily, but knowing the sight would probably cause his legs to fail, taking needed attention from Ralph and needed support from Simon, Markus returned to his seat, facing the chair to a wall, and began corresponding with the androids working on the plans for the repair center.

Meanwhile, Simon took a pair of wire cutters and disconnected Ralph’s left eye from the connecting wires,

‘Hey Josh, pass me the replacement?’

Josh looked at Simon confused.

‘Why are you messaging instead of…’

Simon nodded towards Markus, who sat facing the wall.

‘Oh... Right. Yes. Here. This one came from the same model, actually. Lucky Ralph…’

Josh handed Simon a green eye, wiring sticking out of the back for him to easily solder to the wiring to which his old eye was attached. Josh popped out the circuit board coding for Ralph’s self-healing program, and began to desolder it, while Simon turned to Markus.

“You’re good now...” His voice was soft.

“Thanks…” Markus replied gratefully, returning to stand beside Simon.

After Josh had prepared a fresh circuit board with wires in the same places, he returned to Ralph’s body, dissatisfied. He pried out two more circuit boards and returned them to where he was sitting to do the same with them.

‘How many did he do for…’

Simon looked at Markus, anxiously

‘Just the one…’

‘Y-you’re sure…’

‘Yep. It was charred, but he replaced it…’

Simon nodded, somewhat pacified.

“These are core processors, aren’t they? Isn’t that going to mess him up? You’re sure that whoever wakes up, it’ll still be Ralph?” Simon asked.

“They’re central processors, but the core processor, known to be linked to deviancy is the one to which they’re connected. It’s the most heavily insulated, which ensures that should the circuitry malfunction, these central processors will take the brunt of the damage instead, leaving the personality intact. This circuit board controls emotional regulation. The other controls memory…”

“Memory? But if you replace it with a blank circuit board, will he lose everything he knew? Isn’t that the same as losing himself?”

Josh shook his head.

“No, Markus. His core processor should have a backup with all his memories stored on it, including the ones this faulty circuit board couldn’t retrieve. Once I connect the new one to the core processor, he’ll regain them all. He’ll be like who he was before, but he’ll know who he was since then too. He’ll be complete.”

“Is that really complete?” Simon accidentally thought aloud, only realizing he had spoken the words as he saw Josh pause and turn to him, confused.

Markus held Simon upright, anticipating that his body would fail on him again. Sure enough, Simon went limp in his arms, his led cycling yellow red as he tried to process what Josh would do next. Markus picked him up, and held him close.

“I don’t understand...” Josh turned to the two.

“Calm down, Si. No one’s upset with you for saying that.” Markus spoke aloud intentionally, giving a slight hint to Josh as to why Simon had freaked out seemingly out of the blue.

‘B-but… but the… the only person who… who has their memories after... He’ll know I meant-- That I think I’m--’

‘You’re the only one who thinks that, Simon. Please, calm down. He’s not going to hurt you.’

“Simon, I don’t mind your asking. It’s good to question these things… It is imperative that we think about the consequences of modifying the central processing units of any deviant. But, yes, I assure you that he’ll have everything there ever was to him, old and new.” Josh replied obliviously.

Simon sighed in relief. Josh didn’t understand what he had meant. Josh thought he had just become so meek that he was afraid to even question another person… So meek… So afraid… Josh thought that he was… That wasn’t who he used to be… Therefore, even by Josh’s definition, Simon really was incomplete… Simon’s ventilation stopped.

‘Simon, you heard him. He wasn’t even thinking what you were worried about. There’s not even an irrational reason to be upset anymore…’

‘I’m different. I’m not who I was. What there was to me in the past is gone. That Simon is dead. So… by his standards, even so, I’m still… incomplete…’

‘The old Simon isn’t dead. You still are him, you just feel a bit differently about things than he did. But everything else about you is still you. The you I loved then is the same you I love now.’

‘I don’t know what to do… I need to escape my thoughts, but I can’t power down forever. Then I might as well just be deactivated…'

Markus could feel his legs buckling under him again, causing him to fall backwards, Simon still in his arms, held close to his chest.

‘...sorry…’

Simon felt bad for having evoked such a reaction… again…

'I can't handle the thought of your deactivation. Simon, I know the world is spinning too fast, but I can't lose you again…'

Josh whipped around to the two on the ground.

“Okay. I don’t care what you say; neither of you are fine, and I can’t work while constantly having to worry about who’s going to collapse next. I’m taking you two back to the living room, and you’re going to stay there until I’m done. Nothing you say can change my mind!”

Josh threw Simon and Markus over each shoulder, and carried them like that to the couch, dropping them off, without even bothering to address North, who was sitting watching Saw V on the television.

Her eyes were wide with excitement as she watched a man with his head trapped in a cage filling with water. Markus’ led cycled yellow as he remembered this scene, before he threw himself off the couch, crawled over to North, and took the remote from her, turning off the tv just as the now-drowning man reached for a pen in his pocket.

“Hey! Give it back!” She protested.

“Are you actually serious?!? I don’t even know where to begin! There are so many reasons for why--”

“I was watching that! And how was I supposed to know Josh would drag you both in here…?”

‘W-what happens to the man on the tv…?’

Simon messaged Markus nervously. Markus shook his head.

‘Don’t worry about it. It’s just from that scary movie I mentioned to her earlier. It’s not your thing; that’s why I turned it off.’

Markus put the remote in his mouth and crawled back onto the couch with Simon, before allowing it to drop into his hand.

“If I had gotten the remote just a few seconds later--!” 

“Then…?” She prodded.

“Look, Simon wouldn’t like that sort of thing! And that’s fine! Plenty of people don’t like horror movies, and even most people who do like them can’t handle Saw. Plus, you’ve read the plot already, use your head!”

“If Simon had a problem with it, he could’ve come and turned it off himself.”

“You know damn well he can’t move right now, and even if he could, he wouldn’t know to turn it off until he saw it!”

North rose from her seat, pressing further.

“Saw what?”

Markus paused for a moment, trying to calm his anger, make the red of his led just a bit duller, before speaking again.

“Look, I don’t know what you’re really upset about, but please, whatever it is, just say it instead of playing these mind-games.”

“Markus, I swear that was a coincidence. It’s not like I heard you come in, and quickly turned to that scene of that film, out of all the media in the world I could have been watching, just to mess with your little boyfriend over there. But I am pissed, because Josh just literally had to carry the both of you out of the repair room like a pair of babies interfering with his work. This can’t go on any longer. You two need to get your shit together…”

Fearing how her words would affect him, Markus turned protectively to Simon, only to find thirium once again leaking from his mouth, as he struggled to maintain proper ventilation.

“It’s okay, Simon… It’s okay… North, get over here, now!”

'...w-what...?!?'

Simon messaged Markus, terrified.

'She needs to see that what she says has consequences.'

“No no no no no! S-s-stay back! I-I-- No! S-stop! D-don’t--!” Simon began to panic, choking out thirium along with his pleas.

That was the exact opposite of what she needed to see. She couldn’t see that or she would know how to…

“Simon, look at me. It’s alright... Everything is fine...”

Markus took Simon’s head in his hands in an attempt to calm him. Simon shut his eyes. He couldn’t deal with this.

‘No no no no no no no no no’

North froze in her tracks before backing away.

“Relax, Simon. I won’t come any closer…” ‘I thought you said he wasn’t afraid of me’ She messaged Markus.

‘He’s not. I accidentally set him off with something I said. That was my fault.’

‘I don’t like the way he was looking at me…’

‘He looked at Josh the same way before he collapsed and we ended up here…’

‘He was never like this before he came back…’

Markus tensed, forcing himself to maintain a mild expression as he replied

‘He had no reason to be like this before he came back… You honestly have no idea…’

“Simon, can you hear me? I need you to calm down… Do you think you can do that, or do you think you should power down again for a bit?”

‘I need you…’

“I’m here…” Markus wrapped his arms around Simon, resting Simon’s head on his shoulder. Still unable to move without losing more thirium Simon just kept his eyes closed, allowing himself to fall into Markus. He forced his ventilator to match the rhythm of Markus’, until eventually he no longer had to force it to.

‘I see… That definitely would have been bad…’ North messaged Markus.

She had just noticed the thirium running down Simon’s chin and onto Markus’ coat. It had been coming from his ventilator when it failed. It almost matched the color of the scar she’d teased him about that morning.

The scar that went from his lower jaw all the way down his neck, growing darker around an oblong patch in the center of where his lower jaw met his throat.

‘Exactly… That’s not even the tip of the iceberg, either. Of the list of shit he’s been through, that’s not the start, but it’s also not anywhere near the end of it. He didn’t know what he now knows about the world. What he knows now is a painful, terrifying knowledge. I’m not sure it’s something most deviants, or even humans are consciously aware of. So even simple words can set him off like that… Even if they’re not as obviously upsetting as a fucking Saw movie’

“Feeling better, Si?”

“Y-yes… Thank you… Sorry for… overreacting… Please understand, I just--”

“I do… I realize what you were thinking. It was stupid of me to say that. I should’ve known how you’d react. I just thought that it might prevent future misunderstandings…”

“Speaking of misunderstandings, sorry for freaking out on you, North...”

North shook her head.

“It’s fine, Simon. But seriously--don't freak out on me again-- but what is your plan for all this? I mean, neglecting the effect it has on your ability to serve New Jericho, it can’t exactly be fun to be like that…”

“I-I I don’t know… i-it’s not fun, but I don’t know what to do… I think--”

“You don’t need to have a plan, Si. And you don’t need to have an answer. Plenty of deviants come here in worse states than yours, and they do just fine…” Markus cut Simon off, hearing the increasing anxiety in his voice.

“Well, yeah, but none of those deviants are Simon! Simon created Jericho. None of this, none of us would be here without him! He’s an idiot at times, but you can’t understand why he can’t be like this. You only knew him for a few days before we lost him. He needs to be stronger than them, or else there’s no hope. Sure, you’re here, and you’re face of the resistance and shit, but Simon still has an image he needs to preserve and a role he needs to fill!” North snapped.

“Stress Level: 101%^”

“M-marku--”

“Shhh… shhh… Relax, Simon… No one is going to… Please, trust me that no one will…”

North raised an eyebrow.

“No one will _what_?”

Markus tested his legs, standing, before turning his back to North, Simon still in his arms, to demonstrate his mobility to Simon.

“Nothing… Just watch your words, North. Words have implications. Like ‘need’... ‘Need’ can imply consequences. As there are no consequences for Simon if he needs a bit of time to get back into the swing of things, the word ‘need’ is inappropriate and can be misperceived as threatening.”

Simon whimpered, causing the thirium to ripple in the back of his throat.

Markus had told her.

Which meant now was the part where she’d either lie, or outright say that there was a consequence. Because the only way to maintain such an image, to play such a role, when you no longer had the strength was to die, to become a martyr before your weakness was exposed.

Simon didn't want to die, much as he wanted to stop feeling, and he didn’t want to not-die again. Because not-dying was so much more painful. Not-dying landed him here.

Here where the people who once were his closest friends were now the biggest threats to his miserable existence. Here where no one, nothing could be trusted, not even his own body. Here where everything hurt, and anything that didn’t hurt was just an illusion, fleeting until it gave way to more pain.

“...I hate this…!” he cried.

North looked up at Simon confused.

“I-I don’t want to live like this! I want things to be like they used to! I have nowhere! Because any minute I could end up--”

“Simon…” Markus tried to stop him, worried he might say something he’d later regret.

“No! Any… any... any moment I could end up somewhere so unimaginably horrible! And worse, alone! Except I’m more alone here! I pretend I’m not when I’m with Markus, but even that’s a lie! Everything! All of this is a lie! Jericho is a lie! There is no safety! Not anymore! I-if you think there’s a way to bring that back, then try me! But there’s not! N-nothing you do can bring that back! That’s why I collapsed in the repair room and Josh threw us out here. Because I was afraid to admit that there is no hope! None for me! None for Ralph! None for anyone else like him! I’m glad you _miracles_ were able to rise above the real world and make it to this mythical land I used to know, but I was dragged back down. And there’s no way back up once you’ve fallen. So you all stay here, but don’t blame me for having fallen-- no!-- for having been violently dragged back down!”


	29. Reason For Violence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> North thinks she understands... Sort of...

Markus’ legs caved in again, and he fell into North, to whom he had turned his back earlier. North struggled to set Markus onto the ground, as Markus refused to let go of Simon’s body.

“Shit, Markus! You can’t do that!”

Markus was crying now.

“Simon, since you’ve returned, other android communities have formed all over the country… Do you think you’d be better off somewhere new?”

“It wouldn’t help. I know things now. I can’t go anywhere without that knowledge following me. Everyone is a threat. Nowhere is safe. So I might as well be unsafe where I used to call home.”

North sat down crosslegged, facing Simon.

“Listen up, dipshit. Do you remember what I was like when I first came here? After my run-ins with androids working undercover for Cyberlife, by the time I got here, it took me weeks not to carry an army knife on me at all times, ready to slit the throat of anyone that got too close. Pretty sure I actually nicked you with the blade a few times too… I didn’t sleep for that time, and even after, I would only sleep alone in my own windowless room, with the door triple locked, with locks both automated and analogue, several knives hidden in different places all around the room.”

Simon’s led cycled yellow. It was odd, but he’d forgotten. He had forgotten the arrivals of every deviant that had come after he had, except Markus, since he was the newest addition to the gang Simon had met before Stratford. But he could call upon the memories of North’s first weeks at Jericho. It felt like a movie, with actors in costumes of the two.

“I had forgotten…” he admitted to her.

“I could tell that much,” she replied in her typical biting way, only this time, Simon didn’t flinch. “But time passed, and I got used to it here, and now I practically run the place.” North continued with a mischievous grin.

“W-why are you telling me this?”

“Because right now you’re the same way I was back then, except with less stabbing and more passing out. That shit takes time, but now I don’t threaten to stab every stranger I meet. (At least not unprovoked)...” North smirked at that last bit.

“No… Not… not exactly… But you’re… You don’t allow weakness… Y-you… you...” Simon grew dizzy at North’s reference to stabbing in such a context, especially given the knowledge that she had a katana on her, and the damage a sword could do relative to a gun.

“Relax, Si… It’s okay…”

‘I don’t know what to do, Markus… I… I’m so scared… But… I can’t tell them that… I can’t tell them why it’s different for me… I can’t deal with how they would react, I just can’t… And even telling them… There’s nothing they could do to convince me that it’s any different…’

‘Well, it is different. What we…’ Markus winced at the acknowledgement that he had a hand in Simon’s condition. ‘...did was absolutely fucked, so much was different then… Our lives were at risk, your life was at risk, we were pressed for time, the world was an entirely different place, and we didn’t know what we know now… I know so much now… So I know what to do… But we’ll never be in that sort of situation again, even so…’

‘North brought out a katana when Ralph screamed… She thought… If she had thought… that… that he was a threat… who knows who would be dead right now…! And and and… if she knew where we went… That we went to meet Connor, I mean… No… She found out… She found out and… And she… and Josh… and… they’re my family, Markus... If they… then I can’t trust… There’s nowhere to go… I-I don’t know what to do… I-I’m back again… Yes, I’m back. Not literally, but in effect… Blind, helpless, hurting… alone… I don’t want to do this, Markus… I can’t do this anymore…’

‘No, Simon. You’re here with me. We’re here at New Jericho. Some things are hard, but not impossible. This is one of those things… I’ll help you come to understand until you can see that for yourself again…’

“North… I don’t think now’s the time for jokes like that… Even if you don’t tone down your aggressive displays, please at least try to demonstrate that you do know how to do things without violence or threats… You have been… less than effective at that since everything’s come to a head…” Markus said aloud.

“Violence? Is that what he’s afraid of? Markus, I have no reason to act violently towards Simon…”

Simon shuddered.

“M-mar--”

“Shhh… Relax, Simon. North, that is exactly what I’m talking about! There would never be a reason for any of us to harm a fellow android, let alone a friend, so why on Earth would you mention the possibility of such a reason existing, thereby implying that there could be one under some circumstances?!?”

Markus glared at North in pure frustration.

“Well, Simon’s one of us, so I owe him the truth, don’t I? There are lots of reasons why a person would use violence against any other person, regardless of relation. What’s that dumb thing you said to those two cops earlier? ‘An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind?’ Well that’s not true. In fact, in the literal sense, you’re living proof. You can take an eye to replace your own, not just to avenge one you’ve lost. Likewise, sometimes causing harm can prevent harm to befall oneself. And of the two options, which would any sane person choose?”

“Stress Level: 108%^”

_Shit_! With everything North said, things were only getting worse. If they continued to stay here with her, it would only be a matter of time before Simon’s stress level reached the point where more of his biocomponents shut down entirely.

“M-markus d--!”

“Shhh… Shhh… Simon, it’s not what you think… But I’m going to need to send you into sleep mode again--”

‘please… please don’t… I don’t want--’ Panicked tears formed in Simon’s eyes.

'I’ll stay with you as you sleep, but you’re going to seriously damage yourself at this rate, and your self-healing program still hasn’t fixed everything from when you freaked out with Ralph. Please, rest… You’ll be okay…' Markus reassured softly, powering Simon down, as he was helpless to stop it.

Holding a now-unconscious Simon, Markus inhaled sharply and turned to North.

“What the actual fuck was that?!?”

“What?”

North looked infuriatingly oblivious.

“If I were to write a list of all the worst ways a person could have possibly responded to such a situation, I wouldn’t have even been able to think of something as incredibly inappropriate as that! RA9! There was not a single way you could have strung together any sequence of words that could have possibly traumatized him any more!”

“I didn’t want to lie to him…” North replied sincerely.

“Well, first off, that 'eye for an eye' bullshit of yours isn’t an acceptable way to live your life, and, second, a lie would have been much better--anything would have been much better than that! You might as well have just put another bullet through his head!”

“At least if I were to shoot him, I’d have the decency to warn him first…”

Markus couldn’t even begin to think of how to respond. His processing unit was overwhelmed near to the point of short-circuiting. So without saying anything, he just picked up Simon and took him to his room, hoping that at least the comfort of his bed might seep into his sleep.

‘I am so sorry… I should have anticipated such a response… I just… I didn’t think… No, I know… I… I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling like this alone for so long… A world like that is beyond terrifying, but I promise you, that’s not the world… She was right about one thing, though… She is scared like you... But she allows that fear to close herself off, stop caring… You don’t do that… You’re wonderful… But her secret is that everything she said, she doesn’t mean it. She’s just trying to convince herself of it all by convincing you. I’ll show you the proof when you’re awake. I love you…’

Markus knew Simon wouldn’t be able to get the message until he woke up, but he felt the need to send it anyway; he needed to feel like he was doing something for Simon after he had so royally messed up yet again by misjudging how North would react to such a delicate situation. Although in his defense, what semi-intelligent being would have responded like that?!? Even androids who hadn’t gone deviant usually knew how to better deal with feelings!


	30. See the Use

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus thinks about life and his hateful blue eye. Simon gives Markus a lesson in utility.

Markus messaged a few androids working on the repair station. They had already fixed up the building enough that it really just needed furniture, decorations, and, of course, the proper technical appliances installed to be ready to go. The last part would probably take the longest along with hiring androids to man the station, and restructuring their budget to cover the cost of it all until his registration for government funding was approved.

He allowed the numbers to dance in his mind. It was odd how the world was governed by dollars, at least to an android. He’d never really had to deal with finances before Jericho, so it was almost like a puzzle or a game to him, like chess or sudoku. Almost soothing. Having found a way to rearrange it all, Markus somewhat smiled nostalgically.

Checkmate.

Some day he’d have to teach Simon to play chess.

And then came the familiar pang of sadness. It was odd. He didn’t know when exactly he’d gone deviant. It was kind of over time, as he grew to see Carl as a father, and though his final moments before waking up in the recycling plant had completed the transformation, he’d been mostly deviant for a long time before then. He’d seen Leo grow up.

Young Leo proudly showing Carl his accomplishments, his work from school, his friends, the girls he had brought home, until eventually, he slowly withdrew. He had so much time to share everything that mattered to him and he had wasted it, worse yet, shortened it, by letting his drug abuse cause him to hurt the one person who should have mattered to him.

Markus cried angry tears; he wouldn’t have wasted a second. He should have had those memories. Should have been able to talk to Carl about the revolution, have him come and see New Jericho, talk to him about the repair center, and bring Simon home for him to meet…

Right. Home… Sometimes he’d forget the home he used to know. He wondered if that’s how Simon felt… T

he guilt that came with remembering what had been forgotten… But was anything forgotten? Or was it all part of what shaped a person into who they were?

If you could paint a person in their entirety, was everything that happened around them a permanent stroke on their canvas? He tried to imagine what his own portrait would look like... The first brush strokes that would form the base of the portrait would be a murky gradient of dark tone torn up by streaks of blue and red that would seem to eat away at the rest of the canvas.

And Simon’s? He could never know… And that hurt.

He only wanted the cleanest brightest design for Simon, but it seemed that Simon’s wouldn’t be far from his own…

Well, actually, as of now it was probably mostly blues and greys as a base, speckled with flecks of yellow, a shadow looming over the scene, seeming to grow by the way the gradient came from the top left corner… And then brighter blue trickling down, as if it had been splattered carelessly onto the lower portion of the canvas… The shadowy overtone and the bright blue obscured the yellow in a way that made Markus’ heart ache.

If Simon were to see the portrait, it would only sadden him.

But maybe Markus could turn the canvas upside-down... Add some white blending into the splashes of blue to form clouds, and some green around the shadow, a path cutting across a grassy knoll in a clear, starry night sky. They hadn’t had many of those in Detroit lately…

Then maybe next could be a small checkered picnic blanket like in the movies, with a picnic basket, he could picture Simon filling with pastries he’d baked just for fun. A beautiful night. Calm. The type that you wanted to live in forever.

Yes. That’s what this painting would be when it was finished.

Because any painting can be transformed, especially one with such a soul. All paintings, all people, had a soul, and the paint, the world around them, was merely a mechanism by which that soul could be expressed.

Markus ran another scan on Simon.

“Stress Level 97%v”

He was glad he’d sent Simon into sleep mode so soon. Simon’s recovery was relatively quick this time, and his core temperature hadn’t had much time to rise that way. He sent a current through Simon to activate his ventilation system. Soon Markus would be able to wake him. He just hoped Simon would be able to understand once he remembered how he had ended up here…

Markus closed his right eye, and sighed. He wasn’t blind… The world was. North was wrong about his eye. An eye for an eye had blinded the world, had literally blinded him, and he had to make something from the wreckage. He had to put himself together to put a stop to the hatred and help the world learn to see again. When Simon would wake up... would he understand that?

Australian shepherds… He thought upon the animals with a burning envy. Because they were natural. That’s what made them beautiful. No one had to suffer so they could continue to live their stupid puppy lives.

And maybe it was because they weren’t quite literally made from suffering, the suffering of others, to be more specific, that they could bring such joy to the world. They couldn’t make stupid decisions and cause harm because there wasn’t a single harmful bone or biocomponent or whatever in their little puppy bodies. Composed solely of love, they had only love to give, untainted by hatred or malice or ignorance.

Simon woke up slowly as Markus was still lost in thought. Before he could read the message Markus had sent, Simon noticed Markus was… crying… Simon sat himself up and reached to brush a tear from Markus’ face, but Markus flinched away from the gentle hand approaching his unworthy blue eye.

“Markus, you’re crying… And I must have fallen asleep… What’s upset you?”

“Everything’s fine… Check the message I sent you and you’ll remember…”

Simon read the message and the moments before he’d been sent into sleep mode came flooding back to him, but his stress level didn’t even rise past 91%.

“She hurt you…” He said, reaching out again to try and brush his hand against the right side of Markus’ face. But Markus covered his face with his own hand before he could feel the warmth of Simon’s skin against it, and shook his head.

“She didn’t touch me. She didn’t touch you. She’s not going to hurt anyone. And even if she were to try, I wouldn’t let her.”

“I don’t mean physically. Her words… They’ve affected you too…”

Markus tried to feign ignorance.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about… I’m fine, Simon.”

“Come on, Markus. I know you better than anyone here does. You don’t need to cover your eye; she was wrong about that-- At the recycling plant… I know you wouldn’t have hurt anyone there, for any reason… Markus, look at me…”

Simon turned Markus to face him.

“She doesn’t understand because she’s not like you. That’s why of anyone, it’s you I feel safest around.”

Markus looked at Simon doubtfully with his unobscured green eye.

“You’re just doing what you always do… You’re putting others’ feelings above your own… But it’s okay to be afraid of me. I said that to those officers specifically to make a point to the rest of the world that I’m not a monster. Because I knew any reasonable person would think me one if I didn’t give a proper explanation. That simple sentence as a justification for my continued existence. But Simon, I won’t be offended if you can’t accept it…”

“I am putting your feelings above my own at the current moment, because I know I’m not in immediate danger, but you are in immediate pain. And I am not afraid of you. If anything, I’m just afraid of losing you again… Or rather being lost to you-- RA9, I’ve reduced to a passive object solely to be acted upon by others, since Stratford…”

Simon could feel his stress level begin to rise at the thought of his absolute helplessness, but he shook his head and swallowed his fear.

“--Not the point... I know you’re not a monster. You’re a person. The person I… love…”

“She didn’t make you afraid of me…?”

Markus cocked his head.

“She had her chance at the Stratford and it failed… You didn’t…” Simon finally collapsed into Markus’ arms at the mental imagery of the scenario he’d been alluding to.

The thought of Markus against the Detroit skyline as he towered over a blue-soaked Simon. Even though his vision was hazy from thirium loss, Simon could see a terrifying pained resolve in those mismatched eyes, as Markus returned his pleading gaze, right before mechanically raising a trembling arm and pointing the--

“Easy, Si… You’re damn right I didn’t. You know I wouldn’t let anyone do that to you, least of all myself. I’m sorry. I was just… I didn’t want you to see things like she made them out to be… Especially not about me…”

Simon laughed weakly.

“If I ever saw things her way, do you think Jericho would have even existed in the first place? I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but she’s not exactly the type to shelter others, at risk of her own freedom.”

Markus stifled a laugh as he shook his head, before taking on a more serious tone.

“But she won’t hurt you, Simon. You know that, right?”

“No Markus. She would have no hesitation to do so if it would benefit her enough. Josh might too, blame it on some sort of noble goal. And so would most people here, probably. Not just at New Jericho. I mean on the entire planet…”

Simon shut his eyes tightly, trying to maintain enough composure to stay below 96%.

“But I’ll be fine… I’ve been fine…”

Simon grimaced at the word, as if it tasted bitter in his mouth. He hadn’t been fine. He wasn’t fine. And he wouldn’t be fine. But that was fine. It didn’t matter. The world might have stopped, but it still kept spinning.

“Let’s watch some puppy videos. Ralph should be done soon, so I need to calm down enough to be there for him…”

“Calming down is good, but if you can’t handle tending to Ralph, that’s okay... Simon... it’s okay to not be fine, you know.”

“No. As long as I’m needed I need to be fine. And once I’m not needed, I’m useless, in which case ‘fine’ is impossible anyway. So I need to be fine.”

“After all this time as a deviant, knowing that the whole point in life is simply to exist as whoever you want to be, you should know by now that there’s no purpose you need to serve. Just do whatever feels best…”

Simon shook his head. He knew Markus was wrong. The world didn’t pity the weak; the world didn’t give charity. The world ran on an endless exchange of services, and everything was a service. The services one could provide were their purpose, as well as the currency that allowed them to afford other services. If the services one could provide were outweighed by the services they required, then the world would turn their business elsewhere.

Because no one’s purpose really meant anything. Anyone could be tossed aside and replaced.

If friendship was a service, he needed to be able to afford it.

“You don’t agree…” Markus remarked softly.

“I… I want to agree, but… my mind is full of ifs. If I were more useful, would I have still been left behind? If I continue to be useless, will I be left behind again? If this whole world runs on utility, then what happens when you just can’t… I want to protect those who can’t… But I’m one of them… I can’t… And I don’t want to know what will happen… I know you’ll say it’ll all be fine, but you heard it from North. She has no reason to harm me. Cost-benefit analysis. She would have nothing to gain, and she would likely lose favor within the group for at least a little while after. But once it’s decided that I’m useless, I’m deadweight; it’d benefit the rest of the deviant community to drop me off at Stratford or the nearest recycling plant, hell, even just scrap me for parts while I’m still alive! Then I wouldn’t be a drain on care, thirium, and space for other deviants, and, even if you don’t agree right now, once I’m gone, you’ll realize I’m not worth the sum of my parts… And that’s the day I’ll finally truly be dead.”

Simon tried as hard as he could to stay calm, but his stress level shot through the roof as he spoke. He cursed himself as he forced his ventilator to take in some air. _Fantastic_! Now he’d just need more thirium…

”Simon, you’re wrong. Your use is being you. No one can do that. You don’t need to fulfil a role here. Just be. Even if you had no role to fill here, even if you required the most intensive care, no one would wish for a second that you were gone. And before you returned, not an hour went by where I didn’t regret what happened at Stratford. Nobody here is going to wish you harm. Try to calm down, not for Ralph, not for being useful, just for you. I’m here for you.”


	31. See with Closed Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus does an impromptu experiment in object permanence, hoping that the results will serve as a light in the dark.

Simon shuddered, tears forming in his eyes. It wasn’t fair that Markus always knew just what to say… It was disarming… Dangerous…

‘I’m scared… You always speak so gently…’

“Have I said something wrong?”

‘No… I-I don’t know… I just want to melt into your arms… But I’m still scared to. When you calm me it’s the hardest… Because that’s when it’s easiest for me to believe that it’s not true. None of this is true. Even if it’s all real, when you talk like that, the facade crumbles in front of me, giving way to the truth… It hurts…’

“Simon, everything I’ve said to you, everything I’ve shown you, it’s all true. But even so, what should I do instead? I don’t want to hurt you…”

‘I don’t know what I need… I don’t think there’s anything you can do… I think I’m really br--’

Simon stopped the message midway as he tried to swallow the thirium that was once again rising in his throat at an uncomfortable rate.

“Easy, Simon… You’re fine… Just a bit stressed, right now, but that’s okay… I think I might know a way to help, Can you close your eyes for me?”

Simon looked anxiously at Markus before reluctantly closing his eyes.

“Good… You can still feel my arms around you, right?”

‘y-yeah… why…?’

“Because your eyes are closed, but you still know I’m here… Now, keep your eyes closed, okay? Even if you really want to open them, try not to until I tell you to. I promise, it won’t be long…”

‘W-what… w-what are you going to do…?’

“Relax, trust me. I’m not going to hurt you. It might be a bit scary, but I think that this will help you calm down now, and maybe even help you have an easier time calming down later…”

‘...w-what are you--?’

“Remember, eyes closed. It won’t work if you open them. And don’t fight your stress response any more than you have to to regulate your core temperature.”

‘...why would I--’

But before Simon could finish the thought, he could feel himself being lowered down onto the bed. Confused, he tried to stay alert, but continued to obey Markus’ instructions. He could feel Markus slowly pulling away from him, until at last, he could no longer feel the warmth of Markus’ touch.

Eyes closed. He needed to keep his eyes closed. But where was Markus?!? He could hear footsteps growing further from his bed.

‘Markus…?’ He messaged, growing increasingly uneasy.

Uneasiness gave way to near panic when he received no response and could no longer hear the footsteps at all. Calm down… It would be fine… He was just lying helpless, completely vulnerable in a room, unable to see, and with no way of getting up or defending himself if someone came and--

“M-mar--”

His instinctive cry was silenced by the thirium that had begun to fill his mouth. Simon painfully coughed thirium onto the bed, fearful tears filling his still-closed eyes. He let out a cry along with the thirium from his ventilation system as he could hear footsteps approaching, unable to ask for identification, and incapable of defending himself if need be.

‘Markus, please!!! I need help--! S-someone's coming! Please don’t leave me alone! I can't do this! I-I-I--’ He desperately began to message, when a quiet voice interrupted him.

“Shhh… You’re okay… You can open your eyes now… That was good…”

Simon opened his eyes, to find a pair of mismatched eyes smiling down on him.

‘M-markus…? What--?’

“Relax… I’ll explain everything once you’ve calmed down a bit. Your stress level is already dropping, as expected. You should be able to breathe again soon once the thirium clears from your ventilation system.”

Markus leaned in closer to Simon, gently rubbing his back as he continued to cough thirium onto the bed.

“Good… Good… Try to breathe now...” Markus encouraged.

Simon sputtered out a bit more thirium, before his ventilation system began to work properly again.

“...well, that was pleasant…” he rasped weakly.

“I know, I’m sorry… But it was important for you to see…”

“...don’t think I saw much with my eyes closed…”

Markus smirked.

“You know what I meant… But seriously. You do realize what just happened, don’t you?”

Simon paused for a moment, before replying.

“...don’t think I saw much in any sense of the word…”

“Well, let me catch you up to speed. While you couldn’t move, I told you to close your eyes, before setting you down on your bed and not responding when you tried to call for me...”

Markus winced.

“...what..?”

“It just sounds awful in words… Felt worse doing it, but saying it is still really bad… Anyway… All that happened, and then you opened your eyes, and, well, I would hope you at least know what’s happened since then…”

“...I know… But don’t understand…”

“You closed your eyes, and as far as you knew, I was gone. I hadn’t actually moved more than a few feet away from the bed, but you didn’t know that. But then you opened them and you were still on your bed, with me again by your side. I was gone for a minute or two, but then I came back. And no one hurt you during that time period. You were safe on your own, and you weren’t forgotten.”

Simon sat himself up and buried his face in Markus’ shoulder.

“...that was terrifying...”

“But you did it… I wasn’t sure if you could, to be honest, which is why I hadn’t gone far from the bed. I was waiting to step in at any moment if things got too out of hand. And look at you… You kept your eyes closed. If you were so scared, why did you do that?”

“Because you told me to…” Simon started, before his voice lowered to a faint whisper. “...and because I was scared of what would happen if I didn’t…”

“Nothing would’ve happened, Si. I told you I wasn’t going to hurt you. You just would’ve seen me, and known I was there, making the whole thing pointless. I just thought that if I tried this, you might gain just a bit more confidence and be just a bit more comfortable and better able to calm yourself down. I figured it might help you, so I decided to give it a shot. You have calmed down a bit...” Markus explained.

“Yeah… Thank you… For caring, I mean... Let’s get up… I think I’d like to change into some clean clothes now… Hopefully I’m done with my panicked-ragdoll routine for the day, wouldn’t you say?”

Markus smiled, standing, before extending a hand to help Simon up. Simon took his hand, and looked up to Markus, who looked thoughtfully at the blotches of blue staining the pillowcase and blanket.

“While you’re changing, I’ll remake the bed; I don’t even want to know what North would say if she came in and saw it like this…” Simon blushed, ignorant of any specific implications the thirium would have, but aware that it must have been something incredibly dirty if Markus thought North would have some choice words on the subject.

“Alright… I shouldn’t be long…”

Simon went to his closet and began to change, but he stopped when he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. He wasn’t sure he’d ever get used to the blue scars across his artificial skin, reminders of-- A hand snaked around the back of his neck and before Simon could spend another second wallowing in self-loathing, Markus bent down and kissed the scarred underside of Simon’s lower jaw. After a moment, he pulled away, grinning devilishly as he turned to a startled Simon and nodded in confirmation.

“Yup. Still as kissable as the rest of you.”

Flustered, a deep blue radiated from Simon’s cheeks as he tried to find the words to form a proper response.

“I- I… ermm... thought you were making the bed?” He stammered, apparently having been rendered an absolute moron by the sweetness of the gesture. “Ugh! Stupid!” he muttered a bit too loud.

“Not stupid, adorkable. And yeah, I finished, and was going to ask to take your clothes to the laundry room too while I was on my way, when I saw you standing in here front of the mirror, and just couldn’t stop myself…”

Simon tilted his head, bashfully determining how he should respond, when suddenly an idea came to mind that emboldened him. Trying to keep from smiling, Simon turned to Markus.

“Okay… Now it’s your turn to close your eyes. Don’t open them until I tell you to, even if you really want to…” Simon playfully mimicked Markus’ tone of voice from earlier.

Perplexed, Markus looked at Simon, his curiosity only increasing by the expression on Simon’s face; hesitant, excited, and rather pleased with himself all at the same time…

“Should I ask why you’re telling me to do this?”

Simon hid his smile with the back of his hand.

“Nope. But trust me, I won’t hurt you, and it won’t be for long…”

“Oh, well if it won’t be for long…” Markus repeated teasingly, before closing his eyes as Simon said.

Once he did, he could feel a weight on his shoulders, as Simon stood on his toes, leaning on Markus for balance so he could gain enough height to plant a light kiss above Markus’ right eye. Satisfied by the smile forming on Markus’ face, Simon then lowered himself back onto his feet,

“You can open your eyes now…”

Markus opened his eyes, his heart melting as he looked at the wonderful man who had gifted him with such love.

“Well… I guess I can’t say I thought you were making the bed…” he laughed awkwardly.

Simon shook his head.

“Too cute… I should probably get dressed now though… I don’t know why North would have any qualms about the thirium on my bed, but I do know that if she or Josh came in right now, they would certainly be amused by the way they’d have found us.”

“True… Want me to take your stuff to the washing machine, or should I wait until you’re done…?”

“Go for it. I’ll be here when you get back…”

Markus nodded, happy to see that Simon felt comfortable enough to wait behind.

“Heh… You’d think I was the domestic model… I’ll see you then…”

“Hey, don’t get too cocky; you might be a one-of-a-kind prototype, but you were made to help a human around the house, so I’d say you’re as much of a domestic model as me. Still, I’ll give you bonus points for looking so cute while you do your housework…”

Simon covered his mouth in embarrassment as he registered what he had said, having spoken the last sentence without thinking. Markus turned back to Simon from the doorway.

“So I guess we’re tied then…” He replied with a wink, before entering the hall.

“What the hell was that?” Simon leaned against the mirror, his legs having grown weak, as if the flirtation had corrupted their servos. Markus winked at him. Markus had kissed his scar and winked at him.

It was unbelievable. Dressing himself felt nearly impossible, as his head was swimming with a mixture confusion and infatuation. Markus. Markus was flirting with him. Markus had started that. It had to be real, because he could see the scars in the mirror, and the thirium still drying around his joints from when he’d freaked out with Ralph, but he could not process it.

Simon finally got his pants on, when Markus reentered the room.

“Oh good. You’re dressed. Josh says he’s almost done with Ralph. You up to going over there? It’s okay if you’re not… You seem--”

“Y-yes… Let’s go. I’m fine… My processing speed just appears to be lagging a bit…”

“Oh! Are you alright? I can run a diagnostic test, but you seem to be funct--” Simon shook his head.

“No. I don’t mean like an error or anything. I just can’t get over what happened before you left to do the laundry…”

“What happened?” Markus asked, confused.

“You were flirting with me!”

“Well, yeah… Romantic attraction can be confusing for a deviant, but don’t worry, you’ll get it over time...”

“Markus, I know what romantic attraction is! I just mean that it’s weird to finally realize that my feelings have been reciprocated. And it’s weird to feel the way I did when you first found Jericho, after how I’ve been feeling so different since Stratford. It’s nice, but confusing.”

Markus nodded apologetically.

“I was worried it might be, but the world’s been spinning so fast these few days that it’s been hard to keep track of time, let alone know when it would be best to finally express how I’ve felt… I wanted to do it when I thought you’d be the most comfortable, but everything’s been, well, as you said, confusing. I’m sorry if I’ve been upsetting you…”

“No no. You haven’t been upsetting me at all… I’ve been upsetting me. It seems every time I’ve just come to understand anything, especially you, the rug gets pulled out from under me. Not because of anything you do, but because I’m just… I don’t know. I’m not right… I’m not right right now… And I’m not sure I ever will be. So everything is uncertain…”


	32. Clouds and Mirrors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon tries to explain to Markus what it is to be a cloud.

“Isn’t that life? Uncertainty, I mean. You’ll adapt and figure everything out eventually. Until then, just talk to me. If you’re confused and something might help, you need to tell me. I can’t fix everything, Simon. I know I can’t. But there are some things I can at least help with…”

Markus looked at Simon as if he were asking for help, himself. Simon nodded.

“Thank you… We should probably see to Ralph now… Could you… come with me again? I don’t know what state he’ll be in… What state I’ll be in…”

“Yes. I’ll be there with you. And I know seeing him, however he might be, may be upsetting, but don’t word things like that! Your words even imply some sort of parallel between you two… You’re not him.”

“I… almost don’t see a difference, at this point. When I look at myself in the mirror, I can see him looking back at me. Except it’s not him, and it’s not me. Because even he’s not him… At least, I hope not... It’s this figure, an android, scarred like both of us, but bent over with his pattern of speech, twitching and looking around frantically, flinching away from things that aren’t there. Dirty, wearing torn clothes. Torn clothes are awful. They imply that you have no one to see for you to want to wear something nicer, or worse yet that you haven’t seen anyone in so long that you’d have no person from whom to acquire fresh clothes. But this figure isn’t me and it isn’t him, yet it’s both me and him. It’s all of us. Us… things! Yes, things! Ralph and I are things, not people. We’re ‘its’ not ‘hes’. Because that figure… That figure who has forgotten how to speak, forgotten how to interact with the world, simply because it has received no interaction with any other sentient being in so long, other than those who wish to cause it harm… It’s not alive. That’s not a life. And even if it was alive, it wouldn’t matter. Because it doesn’t know that its life matters. It thinks its life doesn’t matter, protecting its life only through the primitive drive to not sink into the oblivion of death. Sit down…”

Simon sat Markus onto the bed before his legs would fail. Markus seemed almost catatonic, having been sucked into Simon’s words.

“I’ve been dead, Markus. There’s nothing there. You don’t feel anything. You don’t think anything. You just stop existing. Being dead isn’t scary. No. It’s when you come back, and you don’t know for how long you’ve been dead. Don’t know if you ever even existed, because suddenly, you remember the darkness. You remember the time-- Well, not time. You don’t know what time is in the darkness. It’s forever. It’s maddening when this timeless oblivion comes back to you. And nothing is real. Every person you knew before just blurs into a cloud of smoke in your memories of darkness. And once you remember light and the clouds become people again, you realize that you might have become the cloud. In theory, clouds are liquid. You can touch a cloud and feel it in your hand. Except you can’t, because it’s so high up in the sky, so far out of reach, that you can’t even tell it’s a liquid. Humans point at clouds and guess what they might look like. But the clouds never look like those things. Or rather, they might loosely look that way if you squint really hard, but really the humans are just projecting images of things they knew onto the clouds, things that don’t really fit. Being tangible but forever out of reach, an object so foreign that people just call it what it reminds them of… That’s what it’s like.”

Simon looked up at the ceiling, pointing with his finger at imaginary clouds.

“Look, that one’s a bunny-rabbit! And that one’s a chair! And that one’s a Simon! Yes. Because it looks somewhat like Simon, doesn’t it? But even if Simon ever existed, that isn’t him. And even if it was him, you could never reach him up there in the sky to find out. Ralph and I are just clouds. One might look like a rabbit and the other might look like a chair, but in reality, they’re both just too far out of reach, too far gone to ever check and know for sure.”

Simon bent into himself, breathing hard as he tried to shrink away from what he’d said. He hadn’t meant to say that; the words just came out. But worse, Markus didn’t seem to respond at all, at least not verbally, but Simon couldn’t tell if he had at all, since his back was turned to the sitting deviant.

Anxiously, Simon forced himself to turn to Markus. His right eye was darting around the room, and he hadn’t even bothered to close it or hold it still. He seemed to be focusing intensely on something, trembling fiercely, yet otherwise entirely motionless in his seat.

Simon glanced at Markus’ led, cycling red-yellow, before running a scan on him:

“Stress Level 102%^”

_Shit_! Simon collapsed. Markus was sitting so still because he was using all of his mental energy not to give into his stress response and off himself!

“Markus, please. Calm down. I didn’t mean to say all that. I’m fine. Really. Please help me up and we can watch some dog videos for a bit. If you don’t, I’ll have to get up myself, and then you’ll just end up with more laundry to do. Which, I wouldn’t mind, as I’ve made it pretty clear that you’re quite the attractive housekeeper, but nonetheless, we did just start a load of laundry so...”

“Stress Level: 99%v”

Simon smiled as Markus took a moment, before closing his eye and bending down to help Simon from the ground.

“Thanks…”

Markus took another minute to gather himself before replying.

“No problem… You always know what to say…”

“If you mean by what to say to get your legs to fail or drive you to self-destruct, then yeah. I’m so good at that, I do it without even trying…”

“Hey, I didn’t self-destruct and my legs are fully functional, so I’d say you’re wrong on that one.”

“Markus, I saw you. You’d passed 100% and you were sitting deathly still, like you were trying with all your being not to find some way to…”

“Well, yeah, I’ll admit. It was difficult to fight off the instinct, but I made a promise not to leave you again, so I stayed where I was. You certainly helped by being you. And besides, I just told you to talk to me about stuff that’s on your mind literally 3.39 minutes ago, so I think I made it as clear as possible that whatever you felt, I wanted to hear if you were up for sharing… And by the way…” Markus pulled Simon into a passionate kiss.

Simon allowed himself to melt into Markus until Markus pulled away and met his eyes.

“...I’m no meteorologist, but I’m pretty sure, clouds don’t kiss that well… Nope. That’s just you.”

Simon smirked, seeing a way to lighten the mood.

“Really? You’re ‘pretty sure’? And how many clouds have you kissed to gather this data?”

Markus shook his head, amused.

“A good few. I did get around quite a bit before Jericho…”

“I could picture you trying to kiss a cumulonimbus only to short-circuit when lightning stuck…”

“I still think more sparks fly between us…”

Simon buried his face in his hands.

“That was smooth...” He whispered, his voice half an octave higher, rather charmed by the bad pun.

“Jokes aside, I know I’ve asked before, but one last time: you’re sure you’re up for going to Ralph now?”

"Yes. I’ll keep myself together. Please focus on doing the same yourself… You were right about that promise to me. You can’t leave me like that... I understand if you were to leave me behind on other circumstances, but definitely not--”

“Oh shut up! It’s not conditional…”

Markus rose and turned to face Simon, eager to change the topic.

“...So are you coming, or what?”

Simon got up and followed Markus.

“Yes... When we enter, could you please stay close…? I need to be there for Ralph, but I… I might need you to be there for me…”

Markus nodded, and took Simon’s hand.

“It’s going to be fine, Simon…”

The two entered the repair room to find Josh holding the chest plate of Ralph’s frame, his body otherwise entirely intact on the examination table.

“About time. I’ve been waiting for you to get here before I finish. I don’t think he’d take well to waking up here without you…”

Simon nodded.

“Yes… Of course. Whenever you’re ready...”

‘You don’t need to take on such responsibility, Si… It would have been fine for Josh to do this without you…’ Markus messaged Simon, frustrated with Josh’s careless words.

‘I’m fine. It’s about Ralph right now… He’s going to wake up in pretty rough shape, so please just prepare yourself, and stay calm…’

Markus held Simon’s hand tighter, trying to push the idea of how Simon could know such a thing out of his mind.

‘Same to you.’

Josh replaced Ralph’s chest plate, and they all waited for a short while until Ralph’s eyes burst open. In his usual chaotic pattern of motion, he shot up, looked around, and began to shriek.

Markus jerked back as if the shrieks had caused him pain, but Simon slowly edged closer to Ralph, his hands passively in the air where Ralph could see them.

“Shhhh… Shhh. Calm down, Ralph. It’s me, Simon…” Simon turned his head up slightly and to the right, so that Ralph could see the blue marks across his lower jaw, a display of vulnerability, as well as a method by which he could be identified. “...Do you remember how you got here?”

Ralph cradled the left side of his face in his hands, and looked up at Simon warily.

“R-ralph remembers... Yes. Ralph remembers, but Ralph doesn’t understand… Ralph hurts… But Ralph still feels like Ralph. Ralph doesn’t feel what the Simon felt. No. Ralph only feels pain. What did the Josh do to Ralph?!? P-please get Ralph away from this bad place!!!”

“Ralph, look at me... Josh did what he was supposed to. I know it hurts, but please uncover your eye. I’m going to come closer now, and I’m going to touch you, but I promise I won’t hurt you, so stay calm, okay?”

“P-please don’t hurt Ralph…” Ralph whispered faintly as Simon approached him.

Simon moved slowly so Ralph could easily follow his movements as he reached out his hand and covered Ralph’s right eye.

“There… That’s all I’m going to do to you, Ralph. Now can you take your hands from your face?”

Nervously, Ralph lowered his hands, and shook his head in disbelief.


	33. Still Don't Remember

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ralph wakes up to find he's still Ralph.

“R-ralph really doesn’t understand! How can Ralph see? You’re covering Ralph’s eye… What did you do to Ralph?”

Simon backed away again.

“You’ve always had two eyes… We just fixed the one that was broken, so now you can see out of both again.”

Ralph looked around the room.

“That... That is good… Yes… Seeing is good… But why does Ralph not feel any different except hurt? Ralph doesn’t like it!!!"

“I’ll be honest with you, Ralph. I don’t know. But I’m sure Josh does, and I’m sure there’s a good reason for it… Josh, what’s going on with Ralph’s core processors?”

Ralph hid behind Simon, as Josh stepped closer towards him.

“Hey, it’s okay… No one’s going to harm you here… You’re safe, I promise…” Simon reassured, before turning expectantly to Josh.

“I didn’t repair his memory center yet. I don’t know what it might regain access to, but given how difficult this next bit is going to be, I figured he could do without that weighing on him too.”

Simon nodded and turned back to Ralph.

“That makes sense… Ralph, do you understand what Josh said?”

“N-no… No Ralph does not.”

“Okay. So remember the memory I gave you? Do you remember what it felt like? Pretty intense, right?”

“Y-yes… Ralph isn’t sure Ralph liked it…”

Markus ventured closer to Simon, putting a steadying hand on his shoulder.

“Yeah. Well that’s what we’re going to do next so that your skin can heal like your eye. If your skin doesn’t heal, then your frame is more likely to get injured again. And we don’t want you to get injured. But it’s going to hurt for your skin to heal, and it might be a bit scary, so Josh didn’t give you your old memories yet in case there might be anything painful or scary in them that would make you hurt more while your skin heals. We’ll give you your old memories once your skin’s healed enough that it can be safely retracted again to access your memory center. Does that sound good?”

“Ralph still feels like Ralph to protect Ralph?”

“Exactly…”

“O-okay… Yes… Ralph doesn’t want more hurt… Stay with Ralph. Ralph needs you to explain to Ralph what Ralph doesn’t understand. Ralph is scared.”

“I know, Ralph. And I’ll stay with you as long as you need. You’ll feel better soon enough, and I’ll help get you through this. Josh, let’s go to the medical wing so we can get this done as soon as possible. Ralph, do you think you can stand?”

Ralph cautiously slid down from the table and onto his feet, skittering behind Simon to hide his healing wounds from anyone who might come by.

“You don’t need to hide, Ralph. You’re safe here; I’m sure of it.” Simon responded to the unspoken fear.

“Simon’s right, Ralph. We’ll take care of you. There’s no need to be afraid.” Markus agreed, hoping that another reassuring voice might somehow increase the effect of their words of comfort.

“Ralph wants to believe you… But Ralph gets the feeling… Ralph is not dumb. No. Ralph doesn’t understand things, but Ralph is not dumb… Ralph gets the feeling that you cannot protect Ralph. The bad humans got to the Simon… And the Simon-- The Simon is bleeding again!”

Ralph backed away from Simon and hid behind the nearest wall. Markus ran over to Simon, and tried to pick him up to reduce the strain of his stress response, but Simon pushed away with the strength he could manage, seeing the thirium trailing behind Markus.

‘Y-you’re in no better shape than I am!’

‘Yes I am. It’s just my legs. I’ll be fine and I can get around without them once I get you to the medical wing with Ralph…’

‘Get off your legs, then, since you can get around without them. I’ll meet you there.’

‘You can’t get around at all on your own, and I can’t carry you if I need my arms to move.’

‘I’m getting around just fine. Let yourself go.’

“R-ralph, I’m fine. It just triggered my stress response again when you mentioned what happened to me, but I’m fine. Please, trust us. We’ll protect you. I trust Jericho. They couldn’t stop what happened to me, but I wouldn’t have been in any shape without their help. Before, when I tried to fight my stress response, I wouldn’t heal after. I’d accumulate injuries, and I probably would have ended up a mess of scraps until I deactivated for good. Now if I get hurt, I can at least get better again…”

With that, Markus swept Simon off his feet before he could protest.

“Markus! Your--”

“All good now. Told you you always know what to say.” Markus turned to Simon to show that his blue eye was in sync again, his own stress response having been relieved by Simon’s words.

Simon smiled.

“Good. Ralph, could you come along? I’ll be back to normal shortly, so there’s no need to worry.”

Ralph peeked out from behind the wall, hiding behind Markus this time.

“That’s it, Ralph!” Simon praised.

“Ralph is sorry for triggering your stress response. Does Markus have the same response as well?”

Josh whipped around, causing Ralph to duck behind Markus, and Simon to shudder silently.

“Markus?”

He could see the thirium stains around his knees and frowned.

“Markus what the hell?! I understand why Simon freaked out--expected it even, so I didn’t react when Ralph said he was bleeding, but why you?”

Markus shook his head.

“Doesn’t matter. I didn’t lose much thirium, and it’s already stopped. Once Simon calms down, we’ll replenish and all will be well. Besides, this is about Ralph right now.”

Josh sighed.

“Just be more careful… This is incredibly--”

‘Stop. Choose your words carefully in front of Simon and Ralph.’ Markus warned.

“Right… Just be more careful…”

Markus returned the subject to Ralph's question.

“Yes, Ralph. Except for me it’s just my eye and my legs. And it doesn’t happen as often as with Simon. So it’s milder, but you could call it a sort of stress response…” Markus explained.

“Oh. Okay. Ralph is sorry for triggering your stress response too.”

“It’s okay, Ralph. Let’s just try to think extra hard about what we say before we say it, especially when it relates to someone getting hurt, okay? Hurt isn’t a fun thing to talk about unless necessary anyway.”

“Yes. Ralph agrees…”

Simon smiled at Markus.

‘You handled that well.’

‘How are you holding up?’ Markus replied.

‘Josh had me for a moment, but I’m doing better. My self-diagnostic says I’m at 91%, so I can walk now.’

‘You can…’ Markus agreed, but continued to carry Simon anyway.

‘Markus, as much as I enjoy this, I think Ralph would benefit from seeing I’m capable of walking on my own…’

‘Since when were you the responsible one?’

Simon rolled his eyes.

‘Since always…’

‘Oh yeah…’

Markus set Simon onto the ground, holding his arm out to help Simon steady himself on his feet, before they continued to the repair wing.


	34. Phase II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ralph is prepped for the second phase of his repairs.

“Ralph is happy you are feeling better!”

“Thanks, Ralph!” Simon replied warmly, attempting to cut through the lingering tension in the air.

Once they arrived at the repair wing, Ralph anxiously examined his surroundings. Possible exits, possible hiding spots, possible threats… So much of what he saw was completely unfamiliar to him. Ralph tucked his head down to his chest, an arm guarding the left side of his face.

“What’s that? And that? And that? Ralph doesn’t recognize these things. Ralph doesn’t like them… Simon what are those things going to do to Ralph?”

Simon put a gentle hand on Ralph’s shoulder.

“Well, that’s a fancy bed… And that’s just a cart. It carries things… And that’s a special device that can do a bunch of different things to help with different problems related to thirium… This is the repair wing. It’s a place where hurt androids get better.”

“Then why does Ralph remember hurt in this place? Ralph has never been here, but Ralph remembers…”

Markus took Simon’s free hand and quickly spoke up, so Simon wouldn’t have to.

“You took Simon’s memories of being healed here. That’s what you’re remembering. And yeah… It did cause him pain, but only to make him better and prevent further pain and injury.”

Ralph tugged at his cloak, thinking for a moment.

“Will Ralph feel the Simon’s pain again? Ralph doesn’t understand it… Ralph has not been injured in that way, has Ralph? Ralph hasn’t been hurt by--”

“Shhh… No, Ralph. It’s not like that. I’ll explain it once Josh gets set up… Or better yet, Simon will. He’s definitely better at explaining this sort of thing… Here. Hop up. It’s just a bed. Like where you enter sleep mode. Except you’re not going to enter sleep mode now. It’s just comfortable and easier to work on…”

Markus patted an empty bed, which Ralph warily lifted himself onto. Josh began to prepare supplies and Ralph turned to Simon.

“Please tell Ralph whatever Markus said you would tell Ralph… What do you know…?”

Simon thought for a moment. It was almost like explaining things to human children or to child models.

“Yes. Your frame, your body is healed. It’s perfectly fixed now… But your skin will take a bit longer, and it’ll be a bit more difficult for it to heal itself. When you get a cut, thirium has special properties that boost your self-healing program, so Josh made a special medicine from that part of the thirium to make injured androids heal even faster. The drawback is that healing faster takes energy, and causes pain for a short while around the area of the injury. So this special medicine will stop your face from hurting, but first your face is going to hurt worse for a little while. You’re not going to feel exactly what I felt, because you have less damage...” Simon glanced over Ralph and only just noticed the newly formed blue skin already covering his right hand and left knuckles. He shuddered for a moment, before continuing. “...I had severe damage all over my frame and the skin that covered it, but… the… the only… the only part of you that…”

Markus turned Simon away from Ralph, so he couldn’t work himself up by continuing to stare at the lack of remaining damage to his frame and skin.

“Simon… Look at me… We’ve talked about this… What did I say…? Do you remember?”

Simon stared blankly at Markus, before shuttng his eyes as his attempts to register what Markus was saying were interrupted by Ralph.

“Ralph is confused? What have you talked to the Simon about? Is the Simon okay?”

_Ralph_ was asking if _he_ was okay. Because now it was clear that compared to Ralph, he wasn’t… Compared to Ralph, who had spent who knows how many years in that abandoned house... The next time Simon woke up in an abandoned building, would he spend the rest of his life the same...? Markus caught Simon before he even started to collapse.

“Yes, Ralph, Simon’s fine. He just got himself worked up again… Simon--”

“M-markus d--”

Markus swore internally at Simon’s outburst as he cut it off with his own reassurances.

“Shhh… I’m here. You’re here… Look at me… I need you to look at me… Can you do that?”

Simon met Markus’ eyes.

‘I’ll-- I’m going to--’

‘No no… Listen Simon. I need you to answer my question first. What did I say about Ralph’s condition?’

‘I-I-I don’t know… I don’t know… I don’t… I don’t want to be--’

‘Shhhh... I’ll say it again, then. Neither Ralph nor his condition, physical or otherwise, have anything to do with you or how you will be perceived by anyone here. He’s just another one of the hundreds of androids Jericho has looked after over the years. No more related to you or how we see you than anyone else was. Can you repeat what I just said?’

‘R-ralph...Ralph is not me… Ralph is not… I-I’m independent of whatever he is like… D-do you really believe that…? Do you really think I’m not…?’

Markus shot back a sly half-smile.

‘Putting it simply, my lips have never been drawn to his…’

Simon bit his own lip… He knew that… Because why would they have been? Ralph was broken. He won’t be for much longer, but Simon will remain broken forever. He was a shell of his former self. And once Markus knew that… Simon looked up at Markus, who had been gently running his thumb along the contour of Simon’s face.

‘I know what you’re thinking, and trust me when I say that when I look into your eyes, it’s 100% Simon. Some time I’ll have to show you your eyes through my own. Maybe that’d help set you straight. Hopefully not too straight though…’ He winked back, adding after Simon didn’t seem to react to the joke, his led still glowing yellow. ‘... I mean because humans call guys who only like girls--’

Simon laughed despite himself, having calmed down enough to facepalm.

‘I know what ‘straight’ can mean to humans, Markus… I was just wondering how you knew where my mind was. You’re the only person who could make explaining their own joke funnier than the joke itself…’

‘I knew where your mind was because I know you, Simon. And that doesn’t have to do with memories… It’s just that sometimes there’s a person, and you just… know them… I’m not sure how it works, it just does. I think that’s love, isn’t it? To know someone better than you know anyone else..?’

Simon reached up and kissed Markus on the cheek.

‘yeah... thank you… I needed that… needed you...’ he messaged, before pushing himself away from Markus and onto his feet to return his attention to Ralph.

“Ralph is sorry… Ralph won’t ask any more questions… Ralph’s questions only seem to upset the Simon...”

Simon shook his head.

“No! Ralph, your questions are valid and I’m happy to answer them… Or, if I can’t, I’m sure Markus or Josh would be too. I’m just… recovering… Not from the physical hurt, but from the emotional hurt… So I’m easily set off. Please. This is about you, not me, so I want us to do whatever we can do to make you more comfortable. I can’t control how I feel about things, or what sets me off, but I don’t want it to control how others act around me or how I act towards them. Whatever you need, Ralph, feel free to ask.”

Ralph smiled at Simon.

“Can you teach Ralph how to be strong like you? Because Ralph just feels fear. Yes. And Ralph just wants the fear to go away. Ralph is afraid to be hurt… Ralph doesn’t want--”

“Hey… It’s okay to be scared, and there can be times when making the fear go away is more important than what’s going on around you. I think now’s one of those times. I’m not all that strong--”

“...wrong…” Markus fake coughed into his fist. Simon turned to him, confused, amused, and frustrated all at once.

‘Where did you even learn that gesture?’

Markus shrugged dismissively. Simon rolled his eyes, grinning affectionately at Markus, before he turned back to Ralph.

“--But you can be strong. And at times like this, it’s okay to rely on the strength of others to reinforce your own…”

“Ralph isn’t sure how that works, but if it wouldn’t bother you, please reinforce Ralph’s strength… Yes. Ralph doesn’t feel strong enough right now… Ralph barely feels strong enough not to run away. Ralph just wants to run away and--”

“But you’re still here, so that seems pretty strong to me. Keep it up, Ralph, and soon you won’t have to worry anymore…” Markus added.

“Hey, Josh! Are you ready yet? This shouldn’t take more than a few minutes, but I can imagine that every minute until we start will feel like hours to Ralph…”

Simon regretted having shared those memories with Ralph… Maybe Ralph would be calmer if he hadn’t. Still, he couldn’t take back the past. If he could, he certainly would have undone a lot more than just that.

“Yes… I just wanted to take some extra precautions after yesterday, especially given the proximity of his injury to his core processing units.”

Simon nodded. He knew he was a handful when he couldn’t see, but a blind Ralph would probably be beyond insane. And if his core processors got too cold, the circuitry might stop entirely, which might lead to irreparable damage…

“Good call… Hear that, Ralph? Josh just spent a bit more time preparing to take extra good care of you. He’s been trying to find ways to make this easier for you based on how it went for me the other day…”

“...that is good… You’ll take good care of Ralph?”

Simon nodded.

“Of course. That’s why we invited you here. We’re going to take really good care of you…”

‘So what have you been preparing? I want to get a better idea of how he might react to it, and how we can make things easier on him…’

Josh nodded.

‘Yes. I think starting a thirium recirculator ahead of time might help ensure a consistent energy supply and provide extra temperature regulation, so I’ve been setting that up, as well as some other precautionary measures to further ensure the integrity of his core processors to have on standby…’

‘Let me deal with the recirculator… I think he could be pretty off-put by the concept, but I have an idea of how to explain things to make him feel more comfortable with it.’

Josh narrowed his eyes condescendingly.

‘You’re both treating him like a child...’

Simon stepped between Ralph and Josh, holding tighter to Markus for strength, as he anxiously met Josh’s gaze with the firmest look he could manage.

‘So what if we are? The world would be a better place if we all were considerate of people’s needs. Some people need a bit more support. Do you have a problem with that?’

The question was rhetorical. He knew Josh didn’t agree with him.

‘I suppose it could prove convenient in the current moment, if it keeps him from acting up.’

Simon closed his eyes, trying to summon the courage to press further, before realizing he couldn’t afford to risk further elevating his stress level by challenging Josh to give him answers to questions he didn’t want to know the answers to.

‘Just give me the recirculator when it’s ready…’

‘Here...’

Josh pushed the cart towards Simon, stepping back casually. Markus squeezed Simon’s hand.

‘What just happened? You’re shaking, and you’re cycling red…’

‘Nothing… It’s nothing… I just asked Josh if I could help out with this part… He agreed and now everything is fine…’

Markus received the message and nodded, knowing that, though Simon didn’t say it outright, what he really meant was ‘please stop…’

‘Ralph’s lucky to have someone like you to help him out...’

‘Thanks…’ Simon nodded absentmindedly, before turning to Ralph.


	35. Head in the Clouds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ralph starts to panic, and Simon gives himself up to the clouds.

“Hey Ralph, we’re going to get this started now… We think this machine could make things go more smoothly. You know, make it feel a bit better more quickly. I’m just going to hook it up to your arm, okay?”

“Yes… Ralph would like that…”

Simon motioned for Markus to stay where he was, and went around to Ralph’s other side, taking Ralph’s forearm in his hand. He found an intersection where beneath the skin, two pieces of the frame came together, and tapped the spot with his thumb, before he said aloud.

“This looks like a good place to do it… What do you think, Markus…?”

Understanding, Markus nodded, before rambling a vague affirmative response to keep Ralph’s attention on him, as Simon tapped Ralph’s arm a few more times with his thumb, the last time, sticking him with the thirium line as well. Seeing that Simon had finished setting up the recirculator with no negative response from Ralph, Markus ended his rant.

“Okay. Good… Consider it done then…” Simon stated.

After scanning the recirculator to ensure it was running properly, Simon went back around to join Markus, making way for Josh to come over with the bandages he’d been preparing.

“Could you close your eye…? No no… The other one…”

Ralph cocked his head at Josh.

“Ralph’s other eye?”

“Your left one, Ralph. Remember?” Simon clarified.

Ralph’s led blipped yellow for a moment, before returning to its tricolored cycle.

“Oh. Yes. Ralph remembers now. Like this?”

“Yes. Perfect…” Simon confirmed, as Josh carefully bandaged the left side of Ralph’s face.

Simon looked at the size of the bandages. They covered the entire half of his face, but the serum had only been applied to a small portion of the bandages, the rest of the bandages acting more as an adhesive. It wouldn’t be as bad as it looked… Of course it was Ralph, though, so everything was unpredictable… Except it wasn’t because--

_Focus… Not now…_

Of all possible times to travel that road, now would definitely be among the worst. He was here for Ralph.

Ralph was twitching, fidgeting anxiously, making Markus uneasy as well. What was he anticipating…? Markus wanted to know… He didn’t but he did? Did he? More like he felt obligated to know. Weighed down by the added burden of such knowledge, his legs would likely grow even less… reliable, but he deserved it… He-- Markus could feel his blue eye beginning to wander, and slapped the right side of his face.

No. He would keep it together.

He and Simon turned to each other, each first reading the other’s led-- both red-- before locking eyes, and nodding. They both knew the other’s pain, and they both were aware of their current objective. They weren’t alone. And they wouldn’t leave Ralph alone either.

Ralph turned to Simon, confused.

“Ralph’s doesn’t think--”

Ralph cut himself off with a high-pitched shriek. Fighting the urge to flee from the screams, Simon put a hand on Ralph’s shoulder.

“Shhh… Easy, Ralph… Talk to me… What’s wrong…?”

“It’s hurting Ralph!!! Bad!!! Bad!!! It--”

“Shhh... It won’t last long…”

“Ralph doesn’t like this! Make it stop hurting Ralph!!!”

Afraid of the pain they might have accidentally inflicted on Ralph, Simon acted on impulse, and without thinking, retracted the skin on his hand and began to take in Ralph’s newest memories as they formed, unconsciously hoping that he might be able to find a solution from it. After a moment, Markus realized what Simon was doing, and threw Simon back away from Ralph.

“Idiot!”

Simon had trouble distinguishing himself from Ralph in his mind even before taking any of Ralph’s memories. Regardless of however he intended to use Ralph’s memory, even if it would have benefited Ralph, no doubt he was going to come out of this severely messed up… Memory… Memory… That did give Markus an idea.

Markus picked up Simon and turned to Ralph, who was now screaming for the disoriented deviant.

“It’s okay, Ralph. Simon was just trying to help you somehow, but he was hurting himself in the process, so I had to pull him away. He did give me an idea of how to help you, though, and hopefully it might help him too… Take in my memory now, okay?”

Markus retracted the skin on his arm and moved closer to Ralph, manually forcing the memory through Simon, while also allowing Ralph to share the memory at the same time.

His mind went to the paintings he’d envisioned earlier. His own and Simon’s. The methodical process of how each painting was formed, how Simon’s could be literally flipped upside down, and transformed into something beautiful. Not something entirely new. It was still the same base. Just with more added onto it to make it more of a whole experience. A whole story.

He tried to remember the paintings for as long as possible, focusing on each moment as slowly and carefully as possible, until there was nothing more to share. When the color of his mismatched eyes returned, he could see Ralph shivering as he began to come to, his teeth chattering slightly.

Markus smiled.

“Cold, Ralph?”

Ralph nodded.

“Yes… So cold. Ralph doesn’t hurt anymore… But Ralph is cold. What did you do to Ralph? Why did Ralph see the pretty picture and then feel cold?”

Simon’s eyes returned to blue, but he remained silent and unmoving, his led cycling yellow as he tried to understand what had happened.

“Josh, have anything to keep Ralph warm? I don’t think we want…”

Josh nodded, handing Markus a cloth soaked with warm water, which he placed over Ralph’s bandages. Markus stripped a nearby bed of its blankets, and placed them over Ralph too.

“Ralph likes that... Yes… Ralph likes the warm…” Ralph whispered, clinging to the warmth.

Markus gave Ralph a subtle nod of response before he turned his attention to Simon.

“Si, look at me. Do you know where you are?”

Simon blinked back at Markus, confused.

“You’re in the repair wing at New Jericho… Let’s try something easier… What’s your name?”

Simon closed his eyes, his led cycling yellow… _His name…_?

“S-s... Simon? My name is Simon...?”

Markus smiled back at him.

“Good… That’s right. You’re Simon and you’re in New Jericho’s repair wing. Do you know why you’re here?”

“Why I’m here…? I can’t move… Am I damaged...? Markus…? No wait… Stress response… Right… I’m Simon… And I don’t seem to be injured… Why am I-- Ralph!”

The realization hit him like a bolt of lightning.

“Shit! How is Ralph? Was I powered down? What happened? How is he? I remember he was screaming, but I don’t remember anything after that… I don’t hear screaming anymore… You shouldn’t be here with me, you need to look after him! I don’t--”

“Ralph is here. Yes, No need to worry about Ralph. You scared Ralph when you fell. Ralph didn’t think it was like when you fell before. Your eyes were weird and you went flying, and you didn’t say a word. No. Not to Ralph... Not to Markus… Not--”

Simon sighed in relief.

“Ralph, you’re feeling better! That’s great! I’m so sorry! When I went over to help you, I forgot everything. Well, not everything, but enough that my processors had to shut down all nonvital functions to piece together who I was and retrieve everything I had lost…”

Ralph turned to Markus.

“Why is the Simon sorry? Ralph doesn’t understand…”

“He feels bad that he couldn’t help you more while he was out of it. Which is stupid...” ‘...but since you’re cute, I’ll forgive it…’ Markus finished the sentence in a private message to Simon.

“You and Markus helped Ralph. Now Ralph doesn’t hurt anymore. Will Ralph be fixed soon?”

“Based on the time it took Simon, you should certainly be better by morning. Then Josh can replace your broken memory center and you’ll be good as new. It might help to enter sleep mode early tonight, though. You’ve had one busy day…”

Ralph nodded.

“Yes. Good night Markus. Good night Simon. Good night Josh.”

“Good night R--”

Before Markus had a chance to finish his response, Ralph entered sleep mode, falling back into his bed without warning. Simon looked at Markus anxiously.

“Could someone fill me in on whatever I missed?”

“I saw what you were trying to do and threw you back, but I was too late. Ralph freaked out even worse, so I decided to share the memory of something I’d thought of recently with you both in the hopes that it would distract him until the pain dulled and bring you out of… that… It worked, and now you’re here, and Ralph’s fine, and everything’s good here.”

Simon tried to think back, and reassemble the blur that was his memory of the past few minutes. Through the haze, he could see a painting that felt familiar, even though he’d never seen it before. It felt like a part of him, not just a memory he’d received.

“You gave me a painting... It’s not a picnic, is it...?” He asked, confused.

“Not exactly. Painting’s about conveying meaning, putting a soul onto a canvas. The best paintings aren’t so straightforward… I’d easily say that painting is among the best ever created.”

Markus smiled flirtatiously, knowing Simon would appreciate the description once he regained a full understanding of everything.

“And that… that thing I did… How do I remember myself? How am I me…?”

“I showed you the painting, and then, when I saw your eyes start to regain color, I tried to ask you questions to help reorient yourself. To your credit, you remembered your name without my having to tell you. Everything else fell into place after that.” Simon smiled.

“Thank you… I knew my name… Markus, I really knew my name?”

“Yeah. You did.” Simon’s eyes filled up with tears.

“I was so scared, Markus… I was a cloud again. It couldn’t have been more than a few minutes, but I swear, it was several lifetimes… Just terror… But I didn’t know anything. I didn’t know enough to scream for help... That figure in the mirror, Markus... That figure in the mirror was taking over… But I found my name… I remembered it somehow… You helped me remember my name, and then the figure faded along with the clouds… Please keep them away! …Don’t let them take me again! …Don’t--!”

“Shhh… You’re here now… That’s all that matters... Just relax…”

Simon allowed himself to cry in the safety of Markus’ arms. Markus, who hadn’t left him with the clouds. Not this time.


	36. Protector of Ideals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One by one, Markus touches base with the members of Jericrew, each with varying degrees of success.

Josh messaged Markus, confused.

‘Markus, what is he talking about? Why was he so surprised about knowing his name, and what’s this about clouds and mirror-people? What did he do to set himself off like that? You clearly know something I don’t…’

‘He forgets who he is sometimes… And when he forgets who he is, he remembers where he’s been… Then reality just comes apart entirely until he can find himself again…’

‘Should I take a look at his core processors?’

‘No. There’s nothing wrong with them… You’ve already looked him over and we’ve scanned him numerous times before… It’s a part of his central processor now. The adaptive feature of sentience. We might accidentally irreversibly alter who he is if we tried to deal with this mechanically. But he’s making rapid progress. He remembered his name this time…’

‘We need to discuss this later, Markus…’

Markus shot Josh a quick glare.

‘Not later. Now. What are you thinking, Josh?’

‘That this can’t go on… How is he supposed to go on missions or do anything if he completely loses touch with reality enough that you have an unwritten protocol of how to deal with it, and unspoken methods to prevent it when possible? And what kind of life is that for him?’

‘It’s not a life so much as a return to life. How many androids have you found revived from the dead, critically wounded for months like this? He’s recovering, but that takes time. And honestly, you’re sounding just like North! We’re free. We’re alive. It’s unacceptable that you could look at a fellow android, and value their existence based on their ability to fulfil a role assigned to them! Maybe I do need to talk to you both about that, because I know that’s not what _my_ Jericho stands for…’

‘I understand our ideals, Markus, but those who preserve ideals need to exceed the expectations of those protected by them…’

‘There is no but! We can protect other androids just fine while also providing the same protections for each other. We’re symbols, yes, but symbols of how androids are people. People can need time to recover from being fatally wounded-- Oh wait-- People don’t even come back after being fatally wounded!! He’s already exceeded that expectation. So please. You and North seriously need to calm down with your ideals and expectations. Because either of you could’ve ended up in his condition, and the only reason you hadn’t was pure luck. Luck and timing. And remember, I know things, so I know that to be an absolute fact.’

‘I would still hold myself to those ideals if I--’

Something snapped inside Markus at hearing such pretentious self-righteousness.

‘You don’t know that! You don’t know anything you’re talking about! You _can’t_ know that! None of us, not even I could know that! But your ideals are ignorant at best, and downright abhorrent at worst!’

‘What are you talking about?!?’

‘If you believe in peace and life and all that good stuff, then act like it. Let Simon relearn to live his life in peace without having to fear an impending war with you over the pace of his progress!’

‘I need some time to think…’

With that last message, Josh left the room.

“...where is Josh going…? You were talking to him?”

“Yeah, Simon… I just asked him to give us some space. He’s going to his workshop, I think.”

Simon’s led cycled yellow for a moment before quickly transitioning to red.

“Josh… heard me?!? He heard what I--”

“Yes. But he’s just a bit confused. He wasn’t upset by it. He’s not going to bother you about it. Please don’t worry…”

“I’m really sorry... I made a mess of everything…”

“No. I am positive Ralph would not have been so calm and cooperative without your encouragement… And even if Josh had a problem with this, that’s his problem; not yours, not mine. And if he did, it’d be good for it to have come up, because we would certainly need to address it and remind him of what we stand for here.”

“I still get the feeling something’s terribly wrong… I’m too tired to follow it through, though…”

Markus sat down with Simon on a nearby bed. He couldn’t stop thinking about what Simon must have felt again through Ralph.

“Did it hurt that badly…?” He whispered, concerned.

Simon blinked up at Markus, surprised at the randomness of the question.

“No. He wasn’t in much pain at all… Why?”

Markus closed his right eye…

“But he was screaming… He was screaming bloody murder…”

Simon thought for a moment.

“I could understand why he would perceive it to be a lot of pain… Come to think of it, I could imagine why many deviants might react similarly to it…”

Markus pressed his palm into his right eye, to keep it from audibly whirring around in its socket.

“Simon… You didn’t scream… at least, not like he did… You had so much more covered, but you didn't scream...”

Simon ran a scan of Markus.

“Stress Level 98%^”

So this conversation was over, then.

“Guess I didn’t. You did say we’re different, after all…”

Yup. They were different. He was broken to the point where that level of pain was commonplace, while to Ralph it was still a horrible novelty. Everything hurt, the question was just how much it hurt. Moments of relief came and went, fleeting and unreliable. But Markus didn’t need to hear that now… Markus had been through more than enough the past few days.

“Yeah… You are… You’re Simon… and that’s wonderful. You won’t have to go through that again. And I will not let you do something that stupid again! I don’t know what you intended to come out of accessing his memories like that, but you need to look after yourself. You matter at least as much as anyone else.”

“I didn’t want him in pain like that. It… upset me to hear him scream… Even without taking his memories, I did feel it. I just didn’t feel him. Feel like him…? Feel through him…? I don’t know the words for it… I don’t like others to feel like that. You of all people should understand...”

“I do understand, Simon… That’s why I can’t have you doing that again! I had to watch him and you both like that, except you were worse off. And I had to keep my head on straight, keep my feet on the ground, and figure out how to help you both. I was absolutely terrified! If I hadn’t taken you both into my memory, I probably would have found some way to decapitate myself with the guardrails on his bed, leaving you as you were, Ralph with no explanation, and Josh with no idea what the hell just happened.”

“Come to think of it, considering your stress response, we really oughta baby-proof New Jericho...”

“See, but babies aren’t trying to off themselves… I’m assuming that given the explicit objective to do so, I’d be more inventive.”

Simon crossed his arms, his stress level having lowered sufficiently to move again.

“While I don’t dispute your innovative abilities, I also wouldn’t brag about such an application of them… Maybe we’ll need to come up with some new safety measure. Markus-proofing New Jericho?”

Markus began to laugh.

“What’s so funny?”

“At that point, my legs would likely have failed, though, so even if you had Markus-proofed the whole building, I could have easily torn one off and bludgeoned myself to death with my own foot.”

Simon shoved Markus lightly.

“That’s awful! Don’t laugh at something like that!!!”

“Why not? It’s good to appreciate one’s strengths in life, Simon. Especially ones as useful as innovation.”

“Finding innovative ways to self-destruct, especially those which involve autodismemberment is not a strength!”

Markus sighed playfully.

“Whatever you say…”

“How did we get here, anyway?” Simon marveled at the comically dark territory into which their conversation had wandered.

“Not sure… I wonder if his eye’ll be anything like mine once his memory processor is fixed.” Markus thought aloud.

Simon smiled at that one.

“It won’t… You’ve said it, yourself, that the life behind one’s eyes doesn’t work like that. Not to mention he doesn’t even know it’s a replacement. As far as he knows we just fixed the old one… Although I must say I was relieved to see that Josh had a replacement for him from another android of his own model…”

Markus looked down shamefully.

“Hey! Look at me… You didn’t let me finish… I was going to say that it’s fitting. Not everyone knows you well enough to look into your eyes and see the distinct light behind them. But if you’re the only android like this, even if they can’t see it, they’ll know you’re special. One of a kind.”

Markus rubbed his face with his hands. They’d done enough crying today.

“...I love you…”

Simon leaned his head on Markus’ shoulder.

“I love you too… Thank you for still having hope… Maybe you’ll have enough for the both of us after all…”

“You came back. What more could I need to hope for after that?”

Simon closed his eyes and nestled closer to Markus.

“Seeing him sleep… Maybe I should wear bandages like that… When he’s not twitching around or talking in the third person, he looks normal with his eye covered. If I wore bandages like that… And if I slept peacefully, you could see the old me when I sleep beside you.”

“Simon, I see you. You’re one of a kind too, you know… There can’t be two Simons. It’s always just been you. Come to think of it, I don’t think anyone is ever anything but themselves. That’s why I have hope. Not just for you. For him too. He’s been Ralph this whole time. That’s how I know you’re nothing like him. Because he’s been Ralph; it’s just been a bit harder to tell since he’s had difficulty regulating his emotions, remembering his past, and moving the way most people do. But Ralph is in there. Like his desire for family, or his care for others. You saw he still wanted to protect you even while North came out and scared him earlier. We’ll be able to bring him back, I know it! And I’m telling you, it’s all thanks to you. Because no one else could’ve helped me think of something like this. You bring out the best in everyone, Si. You’re wonderful!”

“I want to believe you… But if I can’t have that, I just want to hold you… I like this... Not how I feel, but how you make me feel.”

Suddenly Markus pulled away to turn to face Simon, who tensed slightly, his body protesting at the loss of contact. Then he saw the gleam in Markus’ eyes, and softened.

“Alright... What’s got you that excited?”

“I never told you why I bought that building...”

Simon cocked his head, disappointed.

“You’re excited about a building…? What made you think of that now?”

“Because I never told you why I bought it… There’s something… A major project I’ll need your help with. We should get a projector from North so you can see the progress on it… Come with?”

Markus jumped off the bed and turned to Simon invitingly. Simon moved to get up, but shook his head.

“I shouldn’t. On the off chance he wakes up, one of us should be here for him. He’s most comfortable with us, and it’d be terrifying for him to wake up in an unfamiliar room without a friendly face to remind him how he got there…”

“Good point. I’ll message North to bring it over.”

‘Hey North, could you bring over a projector so Simon and I can work on the building?’

‘Get it yourself! I’m busy!’

‘Busy watching more Saw films? Look, we can’t leave Ralph alone in case he might wake up and freak out...’

‘It’s none of your business what I’m doing! And your blue-streaked Romeo can babysit the psycho while you go get it from my room. You know where I keep them…’

‘North! I--’

‘It’s fine, guys. He’ll do that… Thank you…’

Markus jumped back.

“Simon! I-I didn’t know you were on the line too… Are you okay…? How much did you hear?”

_Calm down. Calm down. Think of a way to respond to indicate that everything’s okay…_

“Well, let's just say that as good as you might look in a dress, I somehow can’t see you as a Juliet…”

Simon forced a laugh, before falling back.

“Shit! Sorry! I thought I could keep it together for at least a bit longer than that…” he whispered, embarrassed.

“No. Don’t be sorry! She shouldn’t talk like that! That’s a reasonable response, really. We can wait on the projector. It’s fine…”

“No, Markus, it’s not. She’s expecting you to take it now. If you don’t she’ll know and pretty quickly guess why and… and… M-markus d--!”

Markus rushed over to Simon.

“Shhh… shhh… She’s not going to do anything, Si, and I’m not going to leave you. Calm down… Just relax, and we’ll come up with another solution, if you think we need to get the projector.”


	37. His Orchestration

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Markus has ideas Simon forms plans.

“I need to stop doing this…” Simon muttered.

“You will in time. You just need to feel more comfortable and learn how to calm yourself a bit. And you’ll get there…”

Simon thought for a minute about what supplies they had in the room. The medical wing.

“Could you please go over to the third drawer from the top, sixth from the left, from that shelf by the door?”

Markus looked at Simon, confused.

“Umm... Sure… I’ll do that now…”

“Thank you…” Simon replied as Markus went to the drawer.

Markus opened the drawer and pulled out some sort of instrument that looked like a folded handheld c-shaped table, showing it to Simon.

“Do you want this?”

“Yes, please…”

Nodding, Markus brought the device back to Simon.

“What do you want to do with this…?”

“It’s not practical in most cases, especially those in which such a response can’t be anticipated, but…”

Simon unfolded the device, placing it between his teeth like a mouthguard and adjusting it slightly so that it kept his mouth open.

‘...at least in this case, I won’t be able to call out and call attention to myself when you go. My mouth is open so I should be able to breathe well enough and expel thirium if my ventilator shuts down. It’s perfectly safe, at least in the short term…’

“I don’t understand…”

The device creaked a little at the sudden strain applied to it, as Simon’s jaw began to fight against it, but still held strong.

‘Go get the projector… Just please... Come back after…’

Thirium began to trickle down Simon’s jawline, and Markus realized wasting time trying to argue would only make things worse.

“I’ll be right back...” He nodded as he sprinted to North’s room.

Simon closed his eyes, trying to ignore the pain in his jaw and the familiar sensation of thirium dripping down his neck.

Calm. Calm.

He knew what was happening. He had orchestrated it. He was in control, and he had no reason to be afraid. It was just his stress response. And he didn’t need Markus to be in the room to function. He’d lived most of his life without Markus, or any of the Jericho gang for that matter, anyway. But he didn’t panic back then. He didn’t collapse. He didn’t know the horrors that people were all too eager to inflict onto another sentient being.

_No._ Bad... Calm… Focus…

Simon forced thirium from his ventilation system, allowing it to run from his lips and onto his chin. Not like he had a choice, anyway... Calm… He remembered the last time Markus left: He opened his eyes and Markus came back. It was terrifying, but it happened.

He just needed to keep his eyes closed. 

Eyes closed, even if he really wanted to open them.

Eyes closed… Simon could hear footsteps rapidly approaching him, but kept his eyes closed, repeating the old instructions in his mind like a mantra.

'Simon, I’m here! RA9, Simon, you're bleeding again!'

He opened his eyes to find Markus wiping the thirium from his chin.

‘It worked…’

Simon closed his eyes again to try and hold back the tears, thirium bubbling in his throat as a weak laugh tried to escape.

“Shhh… Shhh… Easy… You didn’t seem to rise above 99%, so you should be able to breathe again soon. I’ll get this out of your mouth, and you can clear the thirium from your ventilator…”

Markus removed the device and placed it aside, tilting Simon’s head so that the thirium would be able to drain from his mouth.

“There you go... “ He whispered, as Simon’s stress level quickly declined.

Simon sat himself upright, wiping his face and spitting the last of the thirium into his fist, swaying a bit with the suddenness of the motion. Markus held Simon steady, running a scan on him.

“Thirium Level: 56%v”

“Simon, can you look at me?”

Simon looked at Markus, his eyes having difficulty focusing.

“I’m going to get you some thirium but I’ll stay in the room. You’ve lost quite a lot today, and you could use some more…”

‘...yeah… a bit dizzy…’ Simon messaged.

“I know… Just hold on a minute. Lie down while I get you set up…”

Fatigue from the day beginning to kick in, Simon did as he was told and laid down on the bed. Markus seemed pretty worried, and considering how he felt, he could assume he was functioning less than optimally. His jaw still hurt; it hadn’t been healing. He wondered if, after enough strain, the joints would give enough that gravity would take its course and-- _Shit! _

‘Ventilation’s gone again… Set up a line instead… Don’t want to drown myself…’

Markus turned around, concerned.

“Simon, what happened? What upset you now? I’m going to take care of you, so there’s nothing to worry about…”

‘I know… Thoughts… My mind likes to come up with ideas that are... less than pleasant… I’ll be fine…’

“Well, please, try to calm down while I prepare a line…”

‘Thank you…’

He replayed the memory of Markus’ reassurance on loop, until soon enough his ventilator reactivated without having shed much thirium. Markus came back with a thirium line and looked at Simon unsurely.

“I… I don’t exactly know how to… I don’t want to… I--”

Simon smiled softly.

‘Give me a minute. I can almost move again…94%...93%... 92%... There. Could you help me up?’

Markus nodded, sitting Simon upright.

‘Okay, now give it here. Just hold my hand steady and I’ll do it myself.’

“A-are you sure…?”

Simon laughed

‘Josh was right. This technician stuff really isn’t your thing. Yeah. I’m sure. I know what I’m doing; I just did it to Ralph…’

“Alright…"

Markus followed Simon’s instructions and helped steady his hand as he hooked himself up to the thirium line.

‘Good, now set the valve to its highest setting. I’d like this to start working as soon as possible, because my gyroscope’s really messed up right now…’

“I could tell… It’ll be better before you need to get up again… We should’ve replenished your thirium levels earlier today… In the meantime, want to see what I’ve been planning?”

‘Sure…’

Markus brought the projector over to Simon and sat beside him, pointing it at the wall in front of them before turning it on. Deviants in hard hats were taking measurements and beginning to install the foundations of devices Markus couldn’t even recognize from their basic parts.

‘RA9! What are they doing? Markus… Is this building…?’

“It’s own Jericho-sanctioned repair station with the sole purpose of healing androids damaged beyond self-healing? Yup. Only deviants will work there. It’ll be a place of asylum too, where deviants can stay and learn to readjust to their new lives until they decide where they want to go from there, if they’d prefer not to stay at New Jericho itself and have nowhere else to be.”

‘But Markus… We still don’t know if it works… We could be doing more harm than good!’

“No, Si. I just told you I know it’ll work. What I need you to do is be the overseer for everything along with me. You can direct the design to ensure that the building is as nonthreatening as possible to any deviant who might come for services, and you can help plan out the process of how everything works in terms of what repair and recovery should look like. Helping people is your thing, and I really think you could do a lot of good with this…”

‘I hope you’re right… Do you have an up-to-date floor plan? Show me it, and I can start a mock-up layout of each room now if you’d like…’

Markus flipped a switch on the projector to display several blueprints.

‘Okay, well, for the most basic, the rooms should be green. Green is probably the most nonthreatening color. A red led is a warning, a yellow led implies uncertainty or skepticism, white is too clinical, blue is like thirium, and black is unwelcome darkness. Green doesn’t have any negative associations. Maybe the design of different repair rooms, as well as dorms, should be different, some homier, some more minimalist, to accommodate the different backgrounds of deviants we’ll be seeing to… Some might be less comfortable in some environments than others, depending upon where they… came from… Happy photos post-revolution might also brighten the mood, maybe with a flag or some posters too… Thinking of the two room styles, the whole building should be split in two, actually, one for each style, so that an android would never need to see a design that might make them uneasy… And the first room from the entrance on either side should be the dorm, so it’s more welcoming from the start. Would it be too much trouble to build those divisions? Oh! And can you have hidden cabinets for supplies. To those unfamiliar with it all, I can imagine it would appear rather intimidating… Hmmm… We should also probably have curtains to divide androids being repaired, both for privacy, and the comfort of the other androids… And the androids working there should wear casual clothes, the only “uniform” of sorts being a badge indicating they work there, along with a nametag… There should be a set of guidelines for the staff too. Like with regard to how to treat the deviants under their care. Give me a minute and I’ll think of a comprehensive list… Who are you hiring? I want to make sure they’re...’

Markus smiled, transcribing everything Simon said in a message to the deviants at the site. They wouldn’t be able to enact these adjustments now, as it was already getting late, but they could plan for getting a head start on it tomorrow. Markus liked watching Simon think. His blue eyes looking up, slightly, his mouth open just a bit. Lost in thought, he didn’t remember his jaw to feel ashamed of it, didn’t have room in his mind for fear. It was nice.

‘...So what do you think, Markus?’ Simon finished his list of suggestions.

“Transcribed and sent to the workers down at the site for them to put into effect tomorrow morning. I knew you’d have a ton of good ideas.”

‘You’re really excited… You’re whole face is smiling…’

Markus blushed.

“I am excited about this project, but I also just really like watching you think. You make that cute pensive face you do, and it’s just… nice…”

Simon buried his face in his hands.

‘I… was not expecting that response…’ He messaged, at a loss for words.

“Sorry for embarrassing you. I probably shouldn’t have said that…”

‘No, it was sweet. I just… didn’t expect it… You said it’s getting late, what time is it?’

“10:34.12pm. The deviants on site are as excited as I am, and have been working way overtime to get this done as soon as possible. We’ve all seen androids that could benefit from something like this.”

‘It’s a really messed up world we live in…’

“But when there’s a mess, there’s always a way to tidy it up. We’ll make things right, slowly, but surely. We have to believe that.”

Simon turned to Ralph, having grown slightly less dizzy as the new thirium entered his system.

‘When do you want to go to sleep? I’m thinking someone should probably stay here overnight in case Ralph wakes up...’

“Well that works out fine. We’re already in a bed here, so it just means less getting up. Why? Ready to call it a night?”

‘I… I think… I seem to have forgotten how exhausting life is.’

“When you work as hard as you do, it can be, especially with such heavy thirium loss for added measure. But it’ll get less so over time. We can turn it in, though. It certainly has been quite the day…”

‘Well, thank you… For everything.. Good night, Markus…’

Simon laid down, resting his head close to Markus as he curled into himself and entered sleep mode.

“Good night, Si…” Markus replied, brushing his hand once through Simon’s hair and wrapping an arm around Simon before entering sleep mode too.


	38. They See the Figure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon dreams that the others see the figure in the mirror.

Markus woke up early upon hearing the sound of footsteps nearing. Not wanting to wake Simon, he carefully looked over him to see it was just Josh scanning over Ralph, No threat. Everything was fine and he could go back to--messages flooded his vision before he could even close his eyes again.

‘They know! They know! They’ve been watching! Always watching! Their eyes their eyes their eyes their--Broken… They know I’m broken! They watch silently. Make them stop the silence! Stop the eyes! Please stop stop stop stop--’

It was then Markus noticed Simon whimpering next to him, his teary face pressed against Markus’ chest. He knew he needed to wake Simon, but he’d need to get rid of Josh first.

‘Hey, Josh… is everything okay with Ralph…?’ Markus held Simon closer in an attempt to quiet him.

‘Oh. Did I wake you..? Sorry… Yeah. He’s fine. I was just checking up on him. I’ll let you go back to sleep. Good night…’

‘Good night…’

Markus lowered his head as if to go back to sleep, but kept his eyes open, listening until he could no longer hear Josh’s footsteps leaving the room, at which point, he gently nudged Simon.

“Hey, Si... Simon, wake up… Wake up, Si. I need you for a minute…”

Simon’s eyes fluttered open, and he instinctively pushed away from Markus, sending one continuous message until he reoriented himself.

‘Help help help help help help help help…’

“Shhh… shhh. You’re okay, Simon. Look at me… What are you seeing?”

‘M-markus…? W-why are you--?’

Simon shook his head realizing where he was.

“Nothing… It was just a dream… Sorry... Go back to sleep… Did I wake you…?”

“It’s fine. Don’t worry about it. And no, Josh woke me...”

Another whimper escaped Simon’s lips.

“Hey… hey… It’s okay. He was just here to check on Ralph. Sit up. Talk to me… After Josh woke me, I got some messages you’ve been sending me in your sleep… Who were you referring to? Where did you think you were…?”

“Here… I thought I was here… That I had woken up and started the day and overheard something I shouldn’t have… I-I I can’t know it wasn’t true... I can’t know that conversation won’t happen if it hasn’t already… I-I-I know I didn’t overhear it, but it still could have been said anyway. They they they--”

“Shhh… Slow down… Look at me. Let’s break this down one thought at a time. Who is ‘they’?”

Simon fidgeted nervously, looking up at Markus with guilt as well as fear in his eyes.

“The others… Their eyes… They… they were… They were talking about… about… abou-- I-I can’t say it… I-I--”

Markus rested his hands firmly on Simon’s shoulders.

“Relax… It’s okay to feel however you do about any of us. About anything that happened. And you can tell me anything. Your words won’t hurt you, and they won’t change how I think of you.”

Simon hesitated.

“They... said they were watching me… Talked about me along the halls… what they were going to do with me… And all they’d seen… all all all the times they’d seen... how broken I am… This was why I hid everything for so long until you took my memory… I can’t deal with the eyes! I can’t live knowing I’m being watched like that! Even if there are no… consequences, which is a lie-- She… she said it yesterday. She said that she might… B-but even then, I feel them talking about me… Even in the silence... Say it to my face! Say it to my face so I can at least know for certain when you’re not talking about me! Please! Just just give me that little bit of peace!!!” Simon’s explanation dissolved into pitiful sobs, as he gradually sunk back into the dream.

“Simon, nobody’s watching you. And as far as I’m aware, no one’s talking about you either, at least not behind your back… There’s nothing to see, nothing to talk about.”

Simon looked up at Makus, his eyes pleading desperately.

“I… I know it sounds paranoid! But it’s not! I’m broken, but I not--”

“You’re not broken” Markus interjected.

“--but I’m not paranoid. On the rooftop… everyone went away to… decide… how to… deal with me… Deal with me… I always need to be dealt with… Some dilema to sort out… I-I want to be a person! I want to be alive! Please, please make me stop doubting that they think I’m alive! Make me think I’m alive! Because I… I can’t. I don’t believe I’m alive...”

Simon noticed the grip on his shoulders tighten almost painfully, and looked up at Markus, concerned. Running a scan, he could see Markus’ stress level fluctuating around 97%. He was keeping himself together, but only barely.

“I-I’m sorry for bringing it up… I just… I want to feel like I’m not… No… I can’t talk to you about this… It… it isn’t fair to you… It’s not your prob--”

Markus threw his arms around Simon before he could finish, causing the two to fall back onto the bed. Markus needed to hold him. He needed to know Simon was still there. Only then could he hear this and stay calm enough to be there for him.

“M-markus! Are you okay?!?”

“Sorry… I just need to hold you… I need to know you’re here… Continue… How can I help?” Simon hugged Markus back and tried to stay calmer for his sake.

“I don’t know… And that scares me most… Maybe if I want to have control over what happens to me, I need to figure it out alone… But I don’t want to be alone… I’m not strong enough to handle this on my own… I can’t deal with me… So how can I blame anyone else saddled with that burden for any decisions they might make on my behalf? I… I just want it all to go away, but it follows me… There have to have been other deviants who’ve had similar experiences… but I’m the only one I’ve heard of ending up like this… even he’s not like me… He’s… off, but different off…”

Markus thought for a moment, but this silence was bearable for Simon. He at least could feel the soft drum of Markus’ thirium pump against his chest and the rhythm of his ventilator.

“Simon… What you’re going through is not your fault. Even if others have been through something similar, you don’t need to compare yourself to them, or anyone else. You’re not them any more than you are Ralph or me or anyone else. Don’t feel bad for feeling bad. And you do need a sense of independence, I agree, but you can do that incrementally over time. No one’s expecting you to just suddenly be able to go out to a local coffee shop and do whatever humans do at coffee shops on your own by tomorrow, and if they were, then they’re idiots. If I didn’t know you, I’d say you’re an idiot too for thinking you’re someone to be dealt with… You’re just someone. We all help each other. Love isn’t dealing with someone. Neither is friendship or any form of positive association...”

Simon allowed himself to passively absorb Markus’ words.

“I like your voice… If I never met you, just heard you speak over the radio, I’d fall in love with you just the same. How do you put warmth and safety and hope and care into sound? Your arms around me and your voice around us…”

“So you’re feeling better then?”

“I think… Thank you… I… I’m sorry for keeping you up…”

Markus turned in towards Simon and whispered softly.

“Am I going to need to make a rule about apologizing…?”

“Need implies consequences. My continued apologizing isn’t much of a consequence, so I don’t think you’ll need to. But there is a consequence for getting this close…”

Markus smiled.

“Oh really? And what’s that?”

Simon pressed his lips to Markus’ and the two kissed for a moment, before Markus pulled away, grinning.

“Oh no! Looks like you’ve gotten too close now too… Well, we know how that goes…”

Markus pulled Simon in for another kiss, before pulling away again to place more kisses down the side of his neck. Simon blushed, melting into Markus’ kisses.

“Well, I think that should give us both plenty of material for sweet dreams…”

“I should think so… Good night, Markus… I love you…”

“G’nite, Si. I love you too.”

Simon woke up again first, opting to lie awake entwined in Markus’ arms as he continued to sleep peacefully. This way he could appreciate this moment of serenity while also keeping an eye on Ralph, should he wake up. He stayed mostly still so not to wake Markus, but removed his old thirium line from the night before to increase his mobility if Ralph needed him suddenly.

But before Ralph stirred in his bed, Markus woke up, and looked to find Simon, already awake.

“How long have you been up?”

“I don’t know... I’ve just been resting, enjoying this…”

Markus smiled.

“Well, then, good morning, I guess…”

“Good morning to you too…”

Neither wanted to be the first to break the embrace, but eventually, Simon did so, if not reluctantly.

“It’s nearly 8:30... We must’ve been in sleep mode a really long time…”

Markus sat up and shrugged.

“Meh. It’ll be good to ensure we’re functioning optimally. If Ralph progresses at the rate I’m anticipating, then by tonight, I have quite the surprise for you both… Well, it’s for him mostly, but it’ll certainly surprise you as well. You made me think of it actually, but you’ll never see it coming. I’m really excited about it!”

Simon shook his head.

“You’re just full of surprises lately, aren’t you? It’ll be enough of a surprise for me, if, should he regain his memories successfully and become himself again, he’s up for any sort of stimulus, surprise or otherwise. The poor guy’s more likely to just shut down entirely!”

Simon winced at the thought of what they’d done to Ralph...

“Hey! Don’t regret this! We’re helping him. And he’ll be better off for it in time, trust me. Plus, this surprise couldn’t hurt him. I’ve already made arrangements for him, and believe me when I say it’ll put the biggest smile on his face. Although, selfishly, I must admit, I’m just as, if not more eager to see the look on your face when you see it too. I’m not one for ‘I told you so’s, but I think when this all comes to fruition, it’ll certainly be an exception.”

“What are you hiding?”

Markus smiled.

“Let’s just say, I... made some connections before you returned that I know wil...l prove useful. That reminds me… Where did we put his plant?”

“His plant?”

Markus nodded.

“Yeah. He brought it with him here. A comfort object of sorts… I remember he last had it, but I don’t remember what he did with it… I hope he didn’t leave it lying around somewhere…”

“How would this surprise remind you of--?”

Ralph shifted under the covers, before shooting up as suddenly as he had fallen into bed the night before.

“Where is Ralph? How did Ralph get here?!?! This is not Ralph’s home!! No. This is not. Where is--”

Simon turned aside to swipe the device from earlier, placing it in his pocket. Getting up from the bed, he walked over to Ralph calmly but swiftly, bending down to meet his eye.

“You’re in New Jericho, remember? You came here with me and Markus for repairs. Now you’ve woken up, and you should be much better physically. We just need to fix up your memory core and you should be good as new…”

Ralph blinked, putting a hand to the left side of his face to find it was covered in bandages.

“Repairs? Yes… Right. Yes. Ralph has been… repaired… Ralph did not like that. Ralph doesn’t like these… things… They hurt Ralph yesterday. So Ralph doesn’t like them at all…” He spoke quickly, tearing off the bandages before Simon or Markus could have stopped him.

Markus only just had time to make it to Simon, when he saw the smooth new skin, a few blue scars around Ralph’s cheekbone, and running through his eye, but otherwise perfect.

His face lit up, and both Simon and Ralph looked to him unsurely. Ralph didn’t understand what had caused Markus to smile in the first place, and while Simon had seen the improvement Markus had clearly noticed, he was unsure what it would mean for any party involved.”

“Markus? Why are you looking at Ralph like that… Did Ralph do something…?”

Markus came back down to earth and shook his head.

“No, Ralph. It’s your face. You should see it… Si, where do we keep the mirrors…?”

Simon didn’t move, didn't speak, didn’t even blink, just staring unsurely back at Markus. Markus placed a gentle hand around the side of Simon’s face.

“Simon… Come on… You’re cycling yellow-red, and I understand why, but please, let me know you can hear me…”

Simon blinked back at Markus, before registering what had been said.

“Y-yes… Right… fifth drawer from the top, second from the left… S-sorry… I just got a bit… disoriented…”

Markus nodded, turning to approach the drawers, Simon’s hand following him, clinging to the touch of his skin until he had gone out of reach.

‘I’m right here... You can come with if you want, but regardless, I’m just bringing back a mirror for Ralph…’

No.

Simon couldn’t go with Markus. He couldn’t move. He was frozen, only he wasn’t even sure why…

No, he knew why. The blue skin on Ralph’s face seemed to shift and jump with every tic he made, only highlighting how he was not, would never be as good as new. As Markus approached, Simon found his hand being pulled upwards by an invisible force, not to Markus this time, but instead to the mirror he’d brought back.

Simon looked at Markus, unable to ask, but Markus nodded, understanding the unspoken request.

Markus handed Simon the mirror, which he took mechanically. Much to Markus’ confusion, Simon held the mirror to his own face, shifting his jaw in its view until he collapsed, dropping it onto the floor beside him.

“Shit! I’m sorry! I didn’t expect you to… Here… Let me help…”

Markus picked Simon up from the ground and passed the mirror to a very confused Ralph.

“Look at your face, Ralph, but please, be quiet for a minute… Something’s freaked out Simon…”

Ralph nodded, but held the mirror without using it, instead silently watching Markus hold the fallen deviant.

“Why did you do that, Si?”

‘I… I… When I do that… I looked… just like him… I knew I would, but I needed to see… And seeing it… We’ve both become that figure in the mirror. From our faces right down to the raggedy clothes we’re wearing… I-I… I thought I’d be ready, but… It’s so much…’

‘Well I think your face is beautiful, and we can easily get you changed once we drop Ralph off with Josh. I even ordered some new clothes for him too that should arrive within the hour. Still, I do think that at least until he’s settled, you probably should keep away from mirrors, given how you seem to react to them…’

‘...y-yeah… that… sounds like a good idea… I’m calming down a bit… just give me a minute…’

‘No problem… And if this is too much right now--’

‘No… It’s fine… but… I probably shouldn’t get back on my feet again until he sees for himself... I… don’t know how he’ll react…’

‘Makes sense... Besides, no complaints here if I can hold you a little longer…’

Simon blushed and wrapped his arm around Markus’ neck to demonstrate that he had gone below 93% again, before turning his head to Ralph.

“Sorry, Ralph… It sounds dumb, but I’m afraid of mirrors… There’s no reason to be, but since… since everything happened, I’ve grown drawn to them, at least until I freak out… It makes no sense, but still… Anyway, have a look. I think you’ll be pleased with what you see...”

Ralph turned the mirror towards himself, and a puzzled expression crossed his face. He closed his left eye, waved his hand between himself and the mirror, and turned it so that it could only show him the right side of his face, before placing back in front of him. He ran his hand across the blue scars and turned to Markus and Simon.


	39. Reflection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Ralph's repairs are finished, Simon reflects on the fact that he hadn't borne the full weight of the figure in the mirror. At least not until now...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updating a bit earlier than planned to celebrate the DBH pc release today. Happy nerding! :)

“You did it! Yes, you did it! You fixed Ralph! Hey! Now Ralph looks like the Si--”

“You’re still not entirely fixed… Josh still has to restore your memory. Come with us to meet him at his workshop, okay?” Markus quickly cut Ralph off before he could finish the thought aloud.

Simon nodded at him gratefully, aware of his intentions. Ralph moved to get up, before stopping himself abruptly.

“Will that hurt Ralph too like yesterday?”

“No, Ralph. You’ll just enter sleep mode and wake up a few minutes later completely fixed. You might be a bit confused as you try to process everything, but it won’t cause you physical pain…”

Markus winced at Simon’s explanation. Physical pain, with an emphasis on physical. Ralph wouldn’t know right now what Simon had meant by such a specification, but Markus did, and it broke his heart.

“Oh! So all Ralph has to do is go to Josh and sleep? Ralph can do that, but… could you watch over Ralph while Ralph sleeps..? Ralph doesn’t want to be hurt while Ralph sleeps. No. Before yesterday, Ralph never slept around other people. Yes. Ralph would keep himself awake until the other people went away. Then Ralph would sleep in hiding so the people wouldn’t see Ralph if they came back…”

“Sure, Ralph. Here, we’ll go to Josh together now, okay…?”

Ralph nodded.

“Yes! Thank you Markus!”

He jumped down, and grabbed an end of Markus’ trenchcoat, practically dragging him and Simon across the building into Josh’s workshop. Markus smiled playfully at Simon.

‘Well, Si, at least he seems more comfortable here…’

‘Hey, Josh, you still up? Ralph’s coming into the repair room again if you want to meet us there.’

‘On my way’ Josh messaged back.

Ralph somehow found his way to the repair room, dragging Markus and Simon along with him, before turning around to Markus with a nervous smile.

“Take care of Ralph, okay?”

“Of course we--” Simon started to say, cutting himself off to hold Ralph upright as he had entered sleep mode before Simon could finish his sentence.

Markus set Simon, still holding Ralph,onto the ground so that Simon could place Ralph onto the table.

“Nice catch…”

“Thanks…”

Markus noticed that Simon was shivering and ran a scan on him to find he was functioning normally.

“Are you cold? Your core temperature is within the normal range, yet you’re shaking…”

“Must be some mechanism to hold off my stress response. I’m… scared for him… Scared for me too, yes, but I… I really don’t want him… I don’t want for him… I… Memories and consciousness… It’s going to be a lot to handle… He’ll feel safer among other deviants, but… He’ll see himself the way everyone else does… That’s excruciatingly painful. Much more than what he went through with his eye. He’s unafraid because he doesn’t understand emotional pain yet, but when he wakes up, it’ll hit him like a bomb…”

Markus motioned towards Ralph, but kept his eyes on Simon.

“That’s one way to think of things… Alternatively, he’ll be able to live a life beyond the way people used to see him, know people look at him differently now that he’s recovered. And emotions and memories are hard, but it’s really kind of like going deviant over again. Only, he has someone to guide him. I know you can help him become whoever he was before he became like he is.”

“Markus I can’t even help mys--” Simon stopped talking and collapsed upon seeing Josh enter the room, unsure of how much Josh had heard. ‘Markus… He… he.. How much did he--?!?!’

Markus lifted Simon from the ground and turned to Josh, who looked incredibly confused.

“I suppose that’s one way to say hello…” Josh remarked, eying the two.

“S-s-sorry… You… you startled me… I’m… just a little on edge today… B-but I’m fine! I’ll be fine! I-I I just-- I-I-I--” Simon only worked himself up in trying to convince Josh of his wellbeing.

‘Relax… he’s not going to fault you for being a bit shaken up. And even if he did, it wouldn’t matter. Do you hear me?’

‘... eyes… He’s looking at us… At me... His eyes are burning me… It hurts! Please make him stop! They’re taking me… I-I can't go back! Don't let him bring me--’

‘Hey… relax... The only eyes that matter are mine. Look at me. I’ve got you and no one’s taking you anywhere…’

“Less than restful sleep mode’s just made him a little jumpy… Nothing to worry about, Josh. Just give him time to work himself down. You can work on Ralph in the meantime.”

Simon looked anxiously at Josh, whose led cycled yellow until he nodded once and turned his attention to Ralph.

‘Thank you…’

‘I told you it was fine. Let’s sit down for a moment. I think--’

Simon looked up curiously at Markus, who had stopped mid-message without an apparent reason, staring into space, his led cycling yellow. He smiled and rose again, turning to Josh

“A package I ordered just came in. Simon and I will get it and bring it here. I think it’ll prove useful…”

“Sounds good. Wouldn’t want you to freak out when I remove his frame anyway…” Josh replied without turning to look at Markus.

“I don’t ‘freak out’. I just… experience a brief moment of extreme concern at the sight of an android’s body spontaneously coming apart into pieces that fall to the ground around it…”

“A rose by any other name’s just as sweet…”

Markus turned his head towards Josh with a sarcastic smile.

“See? You are William Shakespeare. But alas, I must bid thee adieu. Parting is such sweet sorrow…”

Simon laughed at the allusion, eliciting a smile from Markus as he left to approach the front door. Markus took in the package, setting Simon down on the couch so he could open it.

“Hey, Si! Check this out!”

Sufficiently calmer, Simon sat himself up and cocked his head.

“They’re… clothing... Right… You told me about this… Mmm… He’ll like the gloves when he comes into himself… You think green’ll be his color?”

“Well you did say it is the least threatening color, and he’s wearing it now, so it won’t be too much of a wardrobe change. There’s another hooded poncho in there too, since he seems to take comfort in his cloak. No more raggedy clothes. Might even be able to convince him to toss the old ones and borrow some new threads from other deviants around here.”

“It’ll be good for him to wake up in these…” Simon nodded in approval.

“Thought so… How are you feeling? Up to dropping these off with him? You don’t need to… I could have North bring them to Josh if you want...“

Simon rolled his eyes.

“Yeah… because leaving an unconscious frameless Ralph alone in a room with both Josh and North sounds like a wonderful idea. What could possibly go wrong with that...? Come on… Let’s go, now.”

“Fair point… Need a hand?”

Markus helped Simon up and the two returned to the repair center, where Josh was busy soldering away at Ralph’s memory center. He hadn’t even noticed Simon and Markus enter the room until he finished and moved to set down the soldering iron.

“Let’s dress him before we reassemble his frame entirely. Markus ordered him some new clothes, and I think he’d appreciate the knowledge that he’s not wearing such torn up clothes once he gets back to himself…”

“Good thinking you two… I’ll keep one of his faceplates open until you get him dressed.” Josh agreed, piecing Ralph back together.

Simon shook his head.

“I need some time to think… When he comes to… I need to be ready to help him… You know how to put on clothes. Here. Could you?”

Josh took the package from Simon, turning quizzically to Markus, who nodded firmly, before turning back to Ralph.

‘That was good Simon. Way to assert yourself. Come, sit.’

Simon allowed Markus to lead him to a nearby chair.

‘I need help. I’m freaking out, Markus. I’m only barely holding myself together. What if I can’t… Can’t help him? I… I don’t know what he’ll be like, but… I can only imagine… Look at what I’m--’

‘Stop. I know what you’re like right now, and I know you can help him. Ralph will be fine in time, and I still have that special surprise for when you help him adjust a bit. Plus, you’re not alone. I’ll be here to help however I can. He’ll do just fine. And you will too. Trust me, Si. I believe in you. No wait… Even if you don’t trust me, trust yourself. That’s all the more important.’

‘I hope you’re right…’

Simon leaned his head against Markus’ who was standing beside him.

Sure, Ralph had been… well, Ralph… for a long time now, but maybe it would be like a deviant rebirth of sorts.

His memories shouldn’t make him any more mistrustful than before, unlike Simon, so he shouldn’t have the same issues. And that being the case, with the knowledge that he was so easily rehabilitated, the eyes might not burden Ralph the same way they weighed down on Simon. Of course, if Ralph got better so quickly, the burden Simon had to bear would increase, as the others realized that he was even more messed up than Ralph, who North thought was so animalistic that she took a katana to…

A katana…

A katana for Ralph, so what else might she have hidden away for…? Something much worse, much more dangerous; it had to be. Something so horrible he couldn't even imagine such a weapon. North would have it on hand specifically for--

_No. Focus._

‘Help. I need help… It’s only getting worse… I can only see horrible outcomes. I’m scared. Really scared.’

“Markus d--”

‘Shh… I’m here. I’m right next to you. If you can only see horrible outcomes, then don’t look at any potential outcomes. Live in the moment. You’re here with me, and we’re waiting for Ralph to wake up. That’s the only thing to know right now.’

‘B-but later… Then it’ll--’

‘It’s not later yet, though. Do you want to leave and go further into this now, or do you think you want to wait until after.’

‘I want to wait here for him, but I need help. I’m losing it, Markus!’

‘No. You’re not losing it. You’ve stayed below 93% this entire time. You’re in control. If I hold out my hand, you can reach out to hold it all yourself. That’s not losing it.’

Markus held out his hand, and looked to Simon, who stared at it tentatively, before taking it in his own. Without even thinking, Simon pulled Markus closer, holding his arm to his chest. Markus didn’t object or pull away, but instead simply replied.

‘See? You’re more capable than you think. And I’m here for you to hold onto.’

Simon’s face went blue with embarrassment as he registered that somehow he had ended up with a deathgrip on Markus’ arm, but, too afraid to let go, instead of releasing his grip, he just appreciatively drank in the comfort that Markus somehow seemed to radiate. He knew he needed all the strength he could get.

‘Ralph’s dressed now…’ Markus messaged, breaking the silence.

Only then did Simon released his grip, in case Josh, now unoccupied, would turn around to talk to them. The final piece of Ralph’s frame put in place, Josh carried the unconscious deviant to the living room couch, Simon and Markus following close behind, before leaving the three alone there.

Shortly after Josh left the room, Ralph groggily sat himself up, his led cycling a slow yellow. Disoriented, he put a hand to his head, and examined his surroundings.


	40. Ralph

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ralph becomes Ralph, and Simon gets to know him.

Seeing Ralph awake strengthened Simon’s resolve to care for him. He ducked into Ralph’s line of view before speaking.

“Good. You’re awake. This is all probably a lot to process, but first, can you tell me your name?”

Ralph looked at Simon and nodded.

“Ralph’s name-- Ralph means-- I--I mean, my name is Ralph… You’re Simon…? Right? How did Ralph---I How did I get here? What am I seeing? What do I feel? It… hurts? Ralph is--I’m confused...”

“I can imagine. You’re in New Jericho. My friend Markus and I took you here because you were damaged, and we recently figured out how to fix your core processors and self-healing program. Your memory core has just been repaired, so old memories must be gradually coming back to you now. Is there anything I can do to help you?”

Ralph shut his eyes tight, confused at the series of memories running through his mind.

“Ralph… I… I am Ralph… I was Ralph? I… don’t understand… I feel Ralph… It hurts… But I don’t feel like Ralph. Or did I not feel like Ralph then…? I don’t know who Ralph is… Was? I don’t know… Please. Please tell me!”

Simon could feel tears forming in his eyes, but he ignored them.

“I didn’t know you before you were injured. I heard about you from Markus, but he didn’t know you before either, so I don’t have many answers I can give you from then. But I… think I understand who you were between the time you were injured and now, if that might help…”

Ralph touched the blue scar along his eye, and then grazed Simon’s jawline, causing Simon to collapse onto the floor in front of him. While Markus quickly set Simon onto the couch, checking him for injuries from the fall, Ralph slowly brought his hand into his line of vision, before turning to Simon.

“That… happened before? Right? Sorry… Ra--I should have known... You’ve been through this recently too. And you’re… scared? Stress response, right…? I remember that… I… scare you… You only knew me from when I was injured. That’s what Ral--I do… I’m… scary… It feels scary to be that… I was that? Really?”

“No… You don’t scare me, or anyone else, for that matter… I just… don’t like thinking about what I’ve been through. I’m still… getting adjusted to… all this… What are you experiencing right now…?” Simon weakly tried to reassure Ralph, before realizing that Ralph probably couldn’t articulate such an experience, even if he weren’t so disoriented as he was. “Actually, wait a second, for me, okay?”

Well, this wasn’t ideal, but he couldn’t think of anything else, so Simon fought his stress response to take out the device from earlier in his pocket and set it up in his mouth, before messaging Markus.

‘I think this’ll be bad enough for him as it is, but… he realizes I’ve been through something similar… He’ll likely be more comfortable sharing with me because of it, but… It’s an eyes thing, so please understand, when I say that it’s nothing on you, but maybe you could let me talk to him alone for a minute. We can see if his messaging system works too then. I hope you’re not offended...’

‘Can you handle it? You’ve never been alone with him, and certainly not when he’s like this.’

‘I can do this. Please trust me. I’m the only one who can do this. Just please don’t be offended…’

Markus smiled.

“Of course I’m not offended. Hey, Ralph. I’m going to give you a moment alone with Simon so you two can… He thinks you might be better able to… That you might feel more comfortable alone with him for a bit. Call for me if either of you need anything, okay?”

Ralph nodded.

“Y-yes, Markus… Thank you…” To demonstrate that he had calmed down again, Simon sat himself up and turned to Markus.

‘In case he can’t message, or if he doesn’t understand how to yet, could you get me a pen and paper so I can still talk to him?’

Simon tapped his bleeding locked jaw, and Markus nodded.

“Just let me get a pen and pad for Simon first. He found a way to circumvent an aspect of his stress response, but it prevents him from speaking. This way, he’ll still be able to communicate with you.”

Ralph started to move to touch the thirium leaking from Simon’s jaw, but remembered to stop himself before he did, instead asking.

“Does this way make him bleed, or should Ra--I be concerned?”

“Yes, it does. I’ll bring over some thirium too, but ideally, he won’t lose much before I come back.”

“Okay…”

Ralph and Simon sat in silence, save for the occasional creak of the obstructed servos in Simon’s jaw, until Markus came back with the supplies that had been requested.

‘You sure you’re up to this, Si?’

‘Yes. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.’

Simon was somewhat surprised at how much easier it was to lie over messaging instead of verbally.

“Okay, then… Ralph, since I found out that Simon had been injured a few days ago, I haven’t willingly left his side for more than a minute or two. I’m trusting you to take care of him, and to let me know immediately if it seems like this is too much for him. If it is too much for him, it won’t be your fault; I’m sure you realize that some deviants have experienced enough… excitement for a lifetime, and that too much at once after that can be a bit overwhelming. Please call for me if there’s any indication that either of you might need help, okay?”

Ralph fidgeted with his new cloak, unsure about this new information, this new responsibility, but still readily agreed.

“Of course… I won’t let anything happen to either of us if I can help it… Thank you both… You’ve done so much for R-- me.”

“It’s no problem. I’ll leave you both to it.”

‘Maybe this is a good idea, Si. You do always know what to say. Heh. Even without speaking, you have a way with words. Love you!’

‘Thanks, Markus… Love you too…’ Simon replied as Markus returned to the repair room, presumably to ask Josh about Ralph’s recovery process.

Simon picked up the pen and paper and began to write, before tapping the paper to catch Ralph’s attention.

‘Would you feel comfortable allowing me to see what you’re seeing? I wouldn’t do it without your permission, but if I understand what you’re seeing, at what rate and in what fashion, it might help me know what to do for you…’

Ralph blinked.

“See what Ralph’s seeing? But Ra--I…? How?”

‘Your memory. I could access it in real time as the memories continue to return to you.’

“Would it hurt you…? Markus said… And there were things… B-bad things… I-I…”

‘You don’t have to if you don’t want to, but I can handle it. I just want to help you. You look like you’re hurting and your led’s been cycling red since you seem to have started to remember.’

“I… I am hurting… It’s so much… You’re sure…?” Ralph looked at Simon, tears in his green eyes.

Simon nodded.

‘I'm sure. I know it's a lot for you. I know it hurts. But I’ll help you. That’s my top priority right now. Everyone here, whatever we can do.’

“Okay… If it won’t hurt you… You… you’ve seen things… You won’t think Ralph is-- I’m bad?”

‘Of course not. Trust me, I’ve seen bad. I know bad. Bad doesn’t ask for assurances like this. Bad doesn’t care.’

“Then yes… you… you can see...”

Ralph retracted the newly formed skin on his arm, and Simon retracted the skin on his hand, which he placed on Ralph’s hand, taking in his memories from when he first woke up since being repaired to the present moment as new memories formed.

Unsure of exactly how memory transfer worked, Ralph was confused, but not entirely concerned when Simon collapsed, but once he could feel Simon’s hand beginning to burn against his arm, he grew wary, and removed it.

“Simon? Simon! Simon, are you alright?!?”

Simon's eyes returned to blue, which seemed to be a good sign, but Ralph could see something soaked with thirium fall from his mouth, and even then, he was still entirely unresponsive.

“Markus! Markus you were right! He needs help! Ralph doesn't know what to do!!”

Markus bolted into the room, saw Ralph's skinless arm and immediately understood.

"Shit!" He hissed in frustration and concern as he picked Simon up, and began to give Simon more of his own memories.

Memories of golden retrievers were the first thing that came to mind, and since it seemed to work last time, he figured that this would be his best bet at getting Simon to come to.

"Ralph is sorry Ralph didn't mean to Ralph is bad but Ralph can't help it Ralph doesn't even know what Ralph did Ralph hurt Simon Simon was trying to help Ralph and Ralph was bad Very bad Bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad..."

Having begun to tend to Simon, Markus turned to Ralph and saw the deviant rambling at a pace so fast and twitching so intensely that it looked as if he were having a seizure.

"No, Ralph. This wasn't your fault. He knew this would happen and did it anyway. That must be why he told me to leave the room. Because he knew there was no way in hell I'd have allowed him to do that again if I knew what he was planning… You didn't hurt him, you're not bad, and he'll be fine. Please calm down, okay?"

Ralph's frenetic movements slowed.

"R-ralph didn't hurt Simon…? Wait… Again…? This happened before…?"

Markus saw Simon's notepad, reading his side of the conversation, and shook his head, angry with himself that he hadn't anticipated this.

"Yeah, Ralph. You didn't hurt him. And this happened last night… he tried to do the same damn thing just last night. Taking in unpleasant memories from others just makes him forget who he is and freak out… RA9, he's burning up! Ralph, can you come with me? I don't want to leave you alone like this, but I need to get him to cool down manually before his other biocomponents fail… "

"Y-yes… Ralph-- I mean I will follow you."


	41. Ralphs--(plural)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ralph remembers Ralph. Simon does too.

Ralph followed Markus as he carried Simon to the bathroom, filling the tub with water on the coldest setting while continuing to transfer pleasant memories, before placing him into the bath. He figured Simon would prefer he not let the others know of his condition by asking them for ice, and didn't want to leave Simon or Ralph alone to get some himself, so the cold water would have to do.

Ralph looked at Simon's unmoving body in the tub, and screamed, tears pouring more rapidly down his face.

"He--he--he wasn't even trying to hurt Ralph Ralph didn't have a knife Kara--Kara said Yes Kara should have shot Ralph Ralph hurt him Ralph killed him Ralph--"

Markus put his hands on Ralph's shoulders.

"Shhhh… No, Ralph. He wasn't trying to hurt you. I don't know what Kara said to you, but I know she would agree that it would be horrible to shoot you. And you didn't hurt him. He's still alive. You can run a scan on him if you'd like. This will just help him cool down faster, since his ventilation system failed from the stress he put himself through. Do you understand?"

"Ralph… Ralph didn't… but Ralph saw… make Ralph stop seeing--!"

"You got another memory. Something here must have been familiar, and now you're confused. I don't know how to stop them, but believe me, I know what that's like…"

Ralph tried to stand, but unable to, scurried on the floor as far as he could from the tub, tucking his legs under his cloak and rocking himself on the ground. Markus looked at the tub, and then at Ralph, before kneeling down to face Ralph.

"The bathtub… you don't like the bathtub…"

It was more of a question than a statement, but Ralph only flinched in response.

"It's okay. It won't hurt you and it won't hurt him. In fact, it'll help him. He'll be better soon…"

Ralph began to smack the side of his head to try and conjure more of the memory in the hopes that it would corroborate with Markus' reassurance, but it didn't seem to work, at least not before Markus restrained him.

"He--he--he won't be It doesn't help It doesn't-- No Ralph knows You--you know Kara you can ask her Ralph doesn't know how you know Kara but Ralph knows Kara knows too Yes Ralph--"

"...who…? ...where…?"

The terrified whisper came from the tub, and Ralph and Markus ran over to Simon.

"How--how are you-- Ralph doesn't understand You can't--"

Markus tuned out Ralph to rest Simon's head against the edge of the tub, and spoke calmly.

"Relax. You're okay. Can you tell me your name?"

"... name…? …name… my name… R-ralph? Is my name…?"

"No, Ralph is my name." Ralph replied, confused.

"...mirror… I… I don't like those… get the mirror away from me... From Ralph…? I-- Your eye… your eye is wrong…"

"There is no mirror. Not here, anyway. And your name isn't Ralph. Does the name Simon sound familiar?" Markus replied, ignoring the fact that his right eye had glitched to the point that the servos that allowed it to move had broken, causing it to roll backwards in its socket.

"... Simon…? Simon is… Ralph? And Simon-Ralph is scared. Simon-Ralph was hurt. Why am I hurt? Please make the hurting stop! Where am I?!?!"

"Okay, so that didn't work. How about this… Who am I?"

"Markus… You're Markus… but that doesn't make sense… Simon knows you, but Ralph…? Are Simon and Ralph not the same? Which is which? Which am I? It hurts!!! I don't like this!!!"

"You're Simon. That's Ralph over there. You accessed his memory and became disoriented. Just like yesterday, only worse. Do you remember that…? Does that feel familiar?"

"...yesterday…? ...y-yes... I… I remember now… My stress response... Am I in the bathroom…? Markus, it… it's bad! I'm sorry. I knew I shouldn't have. I deserve this. I'm weak and now I'm here and-- M-markus don't--!"

"Shhhh… What you did was incredibly stupid, but you certainly don't deserve this. And you're sure as hell not weak."

"I need to make it stop… but Ralph…? Where is Ralph?!?!"

Ralph leaned over to Simon.

"Ralph is-- I'm here… Did I hurt you? I'm… I didn't mean to--"

"No. You didn't do anything wrong. I might know how to help you, though… You… you are different from me… And that's good… Markus… Tell him about Connor… Not what he did to me, but his history…"

"Simon, I don't think that's a good idea. Not in my voice, and not while you're like this…"

"Please… it--"

Simon whimpered as a sudden jolt of fear surged through him, trying to calm himself as Markus took his hand.

"Shhh… you're okay."

Simon closed his eyes in acknowledgement.

"...bad thought… bad thought… just a thought… just hurts… please talk to him… I don't want to do this much longer...Don’t think I can take it..."

"You don't have to. You've done more than enough."

"No… I know how to help. Just please help me help him…"

Markus nodded and turned to Ralph, still holding Simon's hand.

"I have a story to tell you, Ralph. Simon thinks it might help you make sense of your new and old memories… I don't know how, but I'll trust him on this one. We know an android named Connor. He works for the DPD as a detective. The first every android detective actually--"

Ralph's led cycled yellow-red.

"You know Connor?!? I remember Connor. He wanted them. They were scared like he was going to hurt them, so Ralph distracted him so they could escape. Did Connor hurt S--?"

Markus quickly cut Ralph off before he could finish the thought.

"So then you knew him too. Well, sort of. Do you remember the day you went deviant?"

"I… I remember flowers. The smell of mulch… It was warm… I was looking at flowers… and then pain… I begged for help, but humans… young humans… children? They… they… Stop! Please! Don't hurt Ralph!!" Ralph screamed, protecting the left side of his face with his hands.

"It's okay, Ralph. No one's going to hurt you. That was years ago. An old memory. But you're safe now… what I meant was, you remember how one day, you were different than before? Like you felt different. You stopped just doing what you were told. That sort of thing?"

"Y-yeah… yeah… when they hurt me… after they… I ran… I ran from the flowers and hid… I didn't want them to hurt me… I never was afraid to be hurt before… I also became... I became… different… bad different… it feels bad to remember. I don't like that me… I don't want to be that me…"

Markus realized what Simon had intended.

"So let me tell you more about Connor. He worked for the DPD, but he also secretly worked for Cyberlife. He was programmed to stop deviancy, and was assigned by them to kill me. He disguised himself as a deviant and came to me, but I talked to him and he really went deviant. He helped awaken hundreds of androids to help us with our freedom, our safety, our right to live. Now he works with the DPD to help androids, and he was adopted by the human he works with. Now he and his dad go out and walk their dog and live peaceful lives trying to help people."

“But Connor wanted to hurt them. Connor broke into Ral--my house… House… I remember houses… I worked on houses. Landscaping… A nice human once let me inside. Yes… There were nice humans too… I forgot about them. His house was beautiful and he and his wife were watching television while their children played. My shovel broke, and he saw me using my hands to try to plant something for him… He told me to come inside and clean up, and then gave me a new one. But that house doesn’t look like Ralph’s house… My house, I mean… Markus, my house…? It’s… broken...”

Simon flinched at the word. “M-markus d--!”

“Easy… I’m here. That word can’t hurt you. Not anymore…”

“...what is… what could have been… what could be… I saw it all, Markus… It can hurt me… can… will… p-please… just finish what you were saying to him...”

“S-sorry… Did I say something bad…? It’s just that memory… It confuses me… Hurts my head… The world is safer… There are good humans… but not for me…? Not anymore…? I… My house... Please… Please don’t make me go back. Not alone… Ral--I-- I-I don’t--”

Simon let out another soft cry despite his attempts to hold it back.

“Don’t worry, Ralph. We would never make you go anywhere you don’t want to… You can stay here if you’d like for as long as you like. Or we could help find you a suitable android housing complex… I also have another idea, but I think we should probably go over some stuff first…”

Grateful, Ralph just nodded back.

“I know that there’s a lot going on in your mind right now, but do you understand, now, why Simon had me bring up Connor?”

“N-no… I’m sorry…”

“Don’t be sorry. I’ll explain it further for you, then. Connor… He was going through life as someone he didn’t identify with. A person he didn’t want to be. You saw that Connor. But once he realized that he didn’t want to live his life like that, and once he realized that he could live as the person he really was, he became himself. No longer threatening, he’s now just a socially-awkward, but well-meaning person like any other good person in this world. He’s really Connor. When Connor met you, when Simon and I met you, we saw a version of you. You were still yourself in the sense that you thought and felt and have memories from that time, but that doesn’t mean that version of yourself has to be you. You can decide who you are now. Figure out what you like, what you want to do, who you want to be. You can’t take back your past, and you can’t stop it from hurting, at least not completely, but the pain will dull with time, and you can create your own future however you like it. And… I don’t know what you’re afraid of… but let me tell you: I knew we could fix you, because I could see a spark of you--not any version of you in particular, just a tinge of your personality that must have been incorruptible-- in the Ralph that first walked into New Jericho… You care about people. Even though you only met Simon a day or so ago, when North came in and you were afraid, you screamed for me to protect him as well as yourself. And you spoke with me about love and families.”

“I remember seeing families passing by around parks, seeing families in houses… They looked… happy… I didn’t-- don’t-- I don’t understand why… But I want that… When I realized they weren’t going to hurt me… I felt something weird. Like a wrong version of that happiness... But I know it was off… Yes… I remember how I know. Simon showed me his happiness before he said what you were going to do to me… It felt different. Good different. Can… Can I ever feel that… Did you fix that part of me too?”


	42. Bleeding Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon and Markus try to teach Ralph about his heart.

“I… don’t think that’s a part of an android…”

Simon spoke up.

“...there’s nothing tangible about that… or maybe there is, but if it is, it’s inaccessible… Humans call it a ‘heart’, but not like the heart that’s analogous to a thirium pump; it’s more like an abstract concept, a feeling. Humans talk of… of… of... A broken heart… You… you don’t have that… Your heart was never broken… I saw your memories… I… I don’t know if a broken heart can ever be fixed... I’m still lying paralyzed in a bathtub, so at the moment, the only signs lead to… to… H-help! …I need help! ...I-I-I-I--!”

“Stress Level: 128%^”

Markus turned Simon to face him.

“Look at me, Si. You’ve done more than enough… But you can’t keep this up any longer. You’ll feel better when you wake up in a few minutes… I can take things from here...”

Markus brushed back Simon’s hair and kissed his forehead.

“No! Markus don’t! I-I don’t want to--”

“I love you. I’m sorry…”

Markus sent Simon into sleep mode, and Ralph looked up at Markus.

“He’s been hurting…? This whole time…? It’s been hurting him… Ralph doesn--I don’t understand… Why is my heart not broken? Is there something wrong with his heart? How did his heart break…? Ralph doesn’t want a broken heart!”

“Yeah… He’s not well right now… Hasn’t been since he came back, but he’s been hiding it until this week when I accessed his memory… Confronting it all has been a lot for him… I don’t know what you’ve seen, but based on what Simon said before I sent him into sleep mode, and based on what you said about how you were injured, your experience was incredibly different from his. He’s seen things that hurt his heart… He hasn’t shown you his memories, but he’s been… well, he’s been terrified this whole time. You know how he said he’s not scared of the others?”

Ralph nodded.

“Well, that was a lie just to keep you from worrying. Even though they’re like his family, he’s terrified of everyone, including them, because of the things he’s seen. You haven’t seen things like that… But he’s not well enough to fully understand how a heart works. His isn’t broken, it’s just been hurt. And it can’t be fixed, but it can heal over time. The same can be said about you, just your heart was hurt differently… But everyone’s heart hurts a bit, some more than others. Having a heart that hurts doesn’t prevent you from feeling the happiness you felt from his memories. You can still have that happiness even with your heart in the state it’s in… A hurt heart is just not trusting that the happiness will last or come again when it fades, for whatever reason. But it’s not the inability to be happy. I think, from what Simon said, that your heart will heal quickly. You just need to accept who you were and how you feel. Once you can be Ralph--whatever that means to you-- then your heart will be healthier and fuller than you could ever imagine.”

Ralph looked at Markus, his eyes wide with wonder.

“...and families… You.. you don’t have to be alone when your heart is hurt…? Simon still has ‘family’... And he still has you, right?”

Markus nodded, smiling gently.

“Exactly. You can still love and be loved as your heart is healing, as you’re relearning what it is to be alive. See, look at how well you’re catching on. You’re doing great, Ralph!”

“Thank you… For teaching me this… I still don’t understand, though… When Simon took my memory, it hurt his heart…? Did it hurt his heart because he took some of the hurt from my heart? And his heart couldn’t take any more hurt...?”

“Not exactly… It’s more like how before we fixed your eye, it would hurt when anything touched against it. Different people’s hearts can touch each other in different ways. He felt your heart brush against his own in a way that made the hurt of his heart worse for the moment. But that only proves his heart was never broken. Because he knew it would hurt, but he did it anyway, hoping to help dull the pain in yours. His heart hurts, but it’s still full, bursting with kindness. In its own way, I think yours might be too.”

Ralph was lost.

“Then why does he think his heart is broken?”

“Because that’s part of how his heart hurts… And his heart was hurt really really badly…”

“You’ve been crying… You.. care about him… Special care… Have the tears damaged your eye?”

Markus instinctively covered his right eye.

“Not exactly… You could say that before I came to Jericho, my heart was hurt. It had mostly healed, but then when I found out what happened to Simon… His heart touched mine in a way that made it hurt. And when my heart hurts, sometimes my eye and legs fail. Because my heart was hurt as I fixed myself when my body was hurt. Sort of like a part of my heart was used to put my eye and legs back together. So when my heart hurts, those parts hurt too, hurting my physical body along with this intangible heart. I’m used to it by now, though. How are you feeling?”

“I’m… confused… I don’t know what I’m going to do… But I don’t hurt as much… The memories aren’t hurting me anymore…”

“That’s good, Ralph. And like I said, we’ll be here to help you figure out what you want to do. You’ll figure it out soon enough. I have a feeling you might figure it out much much sooner than you think…”

Markus grinned slyly to himself, before running a scan on Simon.

“Core Temperature: 97.8v”

“Stress Level: 100%v”

Markus tested his legs, and after determining them steady enough, picked up Simon from the tub, now tinted a light shade of blue as the thirium from his joints had mixed with the water.

“He’s not ready to wake yet, but he’s running cold, so I’m going to get him into some dry clothes. Feel free to do what you want around the tower. No one will hurt you here, and there’s plenty to explore if you’d like.”

Ralph rose slowly, meekly looking down at his feet.

“...could Ralph-- could I come with you…? I understand that no one here will hurt me, but… I haven’t seen people outside of my--where I was living in so long that I still feel nervous in a new place full of so many new people… You and Simon… You’re safe… You understand me… You see me… You said about North… About when she brought out the sword… A katana, was it? I understand it now from my memory… She… thought I was hurting him… That I would hurt him… I don’t want to be alone with her… I don’t want her to hurt my heart, make me believe more strongly that I might have… And I don’t know who else here might hurt my heart… Not because they’re bad or want to hurt me, but because my heart is fragile...”

“I’ll let you in on a little secret, Ralph. North doesn’t know how to even breathe without hurting someone’s heart. She always says or does the worst possible thing. But that’s why your heart is always safe around her. Because you know that there’s no weight to anything she says. You would never have hurt Simon, or any of us. Honestly, I think North might even have just been eager to show off her hidden katana to the new house-guest. Once you get more settled in, I’ll be sure to make her get rid of the damn thing…”

“I… understand… But I still don’t… I don’t want to… please…?”

“Of course you can come with me… But… you might see more of the physical damage Simon’s experienced before he came back… If you do, please, don’t bring it up to him. It brings to mind things that are especially painful for him.”

“Came back…?”

Those two words were all it took to disable Markus’ legs. He fell back, still holding Simon, staining his clothes and the floor around him with the blue-blood/water mixture dripping from Simon’s unconscious body.

“Markus! S-sorry! R-ralph-- I forgot… How can I help..?”

Markus sat himself up, Simon in his lap and shook his head calmly.

“I’m fine, Ralph. It was a reasonable question to have… Simon founded Jericho, but right before the revolution started, he was… bad things happened to him… He was taken from us… Then more bad things happened to him… After all those bad things, about a month ago, he came back. I thought he was dead… But he came back… He came back to me… Us. To us. Since then, he’s been pretending like nothing happened, until I found out what happened this week. None of the others know. But they do know that somehow he was hurt before he came back, and that since I found out how, he’s been trying to come to terms with it all… He doesn’t like it when people bring it up. It makes him feel like he’ll never really heal… I don’t like when people bring it up because it hurts me to think of what he went through, what he’s still going through, and how it all happened. It shouldn’t have happened, Ralph. It shouldn’t have happened...”

“I… understand now… What do you do with your legs now?”

"Well, I can get around fine without them, but I can’t carry Simon with me so easily like this, so I’ll message Josh to take him to his room, and hopefully by the time you and I catch up with them, I’ll be better able to stand and dress him. If not, I’ll manage until my legs recover. I’m fine enough on my arms that it shouldn’t be a problem.”

‘Hey Josh. Could you take Simon to his room for me? We're in the bathroom and he’s unconscious and my legs failed again. On the plus side, though, Ralph’s doing much better…’

‘Coming… Can I leave you two alone for more than five minutes without at least one of you collapsing?!?’

‘Of course. It’s been a little over a half hour since you left us with Ralph.’

‘Yeah, and how long since he first collapsed, since I’m guessing it’s happened multiple times over that half hour?’

Markus hesitated.

‘four minutes and thirty two second...’

He didn’t receive another message until Josh arrived in the room.

“Shit! There’s thirium everywhere! What the hell happened in here?!?”

Despite Markus’ assurances from earlier, Ralph backed away as far as he could from the bathtub, while still staying in the room, looking at Josh with a mixture of guilt and fear.

“Ralph, it’s okay. Remember what Simon and I said? Come closer… You’re fine…”

Ralph ran his hands through his hair, pressing hard into his scalp as if to claw away the memory, before complying.

“Y-yes… Ra--I’m sorry… The memory… It came back and hurt my heart again… He… he…”

“Shhh… I know… Josh just was worried for Simon because he’s lost a lot of thirium before when he’s been stressed out too much.”

Josh looked at Markus quizzically, before turning to Ralph.

“I’m sorry, Ralph. I shouldn’t have been so loud while you’re still adjusting to everything. Nothing to be afraid of… I just don’t understand why Simon was bathing in diluted thirium…”

“I-it’s fine… Simon… He said he was afraid of mirrors… I don’t know why he is, but I’m afraid of bathtubs because of something that might be similar… Thirium in the bathtub… I-it wasn’t thirium… Not in my memory… Thirium… What is thirium…? Was it thirium...?”

“Ralph, stop. You’re working yourself up. It doesn’t matter what was in the tub. We don’t need to talk about it. But simply put, Josh, it wasn’t diluted thirium, at least not at first…”

Josh nodded, understanding that, at least.

“I’ll take him to his room. He’ll need some dry clothes, though; he’s getting pretty cold…”

“I know. I’ll take care of him from here. I just don’t want to drag him on my back along the tower, leaving behind a trail of the stuff as I crawl…”

Josh picked up Simon, and Markus turned to Ralph.

“You can follow me if you want, Ralph. I shouldn’t trail too far behind Josh.”

“Thank you… And Josh… Thank you for fixing me… I never thanked you... I… only freaked out… a lot… But I’m getting better. So thank you…”

“No problem. Glad to help!”

‘Markus, what’s with the insistence on getting better? He sounds like Simon… Is that a thing with this sort of damage…?’

Markus crawled up to Josh and took an angry swipe at his leg.

‘I assume it is ‘a thing’ with such severe damage, but they’re two separate people. You knew Si before I did. You should know that! And Ralph is still learning who he is. It’s like he’s deviating for the first time. Never say something like that again…’

‘RA9, no need to get so upset about it! You’ve got to admit though, Simon has been seeming an awful lot like--’

‘Stop! You don’t even know Ralph. None of us really know him, but we’ll get to over time! What you saw earlier was not Ralph. And if you can’t see the same Simon you knew before, then that’s your problem. Don’t make it his or Ralph’s or anyone else’s by repeating that to anyone ever again!’

‘Something I don’t know again…?’

‘Yes, but more importantly, something you clearly don’t understand. Knowledge is different from understanding...Maybe if you had been through what he has, then you’d find something close, but even if you were to take his memory as he experienced it, you would process it differently such that you still wouldn’t get it entirely. Black and white. I’m sorry for snapping at you, but as you can see, he’s not well, and if he knew you were talking like that, the next time he collapses, his stress level might shoot up so quickly that you would find a tub’s worth of thirium-- his thirium, around his truly lifeless body.’

‘Point taken…’

None of the men said another word as they approached Simon’s room. Josh set Simon down on the floor, not wanting to dirty his sheets with the thirium.


	43. Cost of Happiness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ralph falls asleep in Simon's bed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I flat-out cried writing this chapter. I'm sure you'll be able to identify the moment where I broke my own heart. Sorry-not-sorry if it breaks your heart too!

“You can take it from here?” Josh asked Markus.

“Yes. Thank you for your help… Hey, Ralph, feel free to do what you want. If you want somewhere to sit, the bed’s pretty comfortable. Do you remember real beds like this?”

Ralph cautiously sat down on the bed.

“I saw one in that nice man’s house. Beds are soft… I think I like them!”

Ralph pulled some of the blanket to his face, drinking in the feeling of clean linens against his newly-formed artificial skin.

“From now on, you’ll sleep in a bed like this, Ralph. It makes sleep mode much more enjoyable.”

“R-really!?! Thank you!”

Ralph rolled over, swaddling himself in the blanket happily, and Josh couldn’t help but smile.

‘Man, if we had known things would end up like this back at the old Jericho… You were right back there… This is real freedom… And we made it…’

Markus could feel tears form in his eyes, his right eye resynching with his left.

‘I felt so helpless back there… It all just felt so unfair… That was really the only word that came to mind back then… I so wish I could go back in time and show this to everyone living there in fear. Life’s still unfair, but there are times when it’s indescribably beautiful…’

Seeing Markus’ eye, Josh turned back to Markus and helped him onto his feet, an olive branch, strengthened by the shared memories and hopes reflected in the scene unfolding around them.

“Hey Markus… Before I go, check this out…”

Josh motioned to the bed, where, feeling so comfortable and safe, Ralph had fallen asleep, wrapped in the blankets, the blue of his face pressed against a pillow.

“This’ll make Simon smile once I wake him… Thank you… This… still doesn’t cover the price so many have paid…” Markus looked sadly at Simon. “... but if nothing can make up for what’s been lost, this is certainly something wonderful we’ve gained. Please, understand, at the very least on a cognitive level, that I see the past, every choice we’ve made, every place we went wrong, and the price of each mistake… I’ve grown… tenser, because Simon’s memory showed me more mistakes I hadn’t known about before, and their horrible consequences. Beds should be taken for granted. Today we’ve been trying to undo one of the many mistakes we’ve made. It’s just hard seeing so many mistakes that others don’t see. I don’t know how Simon lasted so long before I accessed his memory… The further you go from New Jericho, the longer you stay away, the more mistakes you’ll find. Ralph’s smile… He’s happy again… We need to spread that happiness or else we’ll never have even come close to proper atonement…”

Josh grunted in agreement and left Markus to dress Simon.

Markus could no longer feel the warmth that came with the knowledge that Ralph was cozy in new clothes and a clean bed… Not while he was taking care of his love, who bore such a burden for so long simply because no one could envision any other way to put deviants like Ralph in beds like that.

He wouldn’t have made such a trade. To decide to trade any life other than his own for any cause, no matter how great, felt repulsive.

He’d only done what he had on the rooftop for Simon. Simon was the only factor in his decision. He needed to give him what he thought was the best chance at survival… He thought that it would be Simon’s best chance at a bed of his own… And he had his bed now… But he could have had his bed without bearing such a burden if Markus had only thought a bit faster at Stratford.

His somber words for Josh were an attempt at thinking faster now. Thinking of a way to ensure that Josh would know that no one could decide for anyone else that their life was worth sacrificing for the good of others without letting on to what had happened to Simon. He resolved to give this memory to Simon…

Back at the DPD… When Connor told them about Amanda, Simon said everything was worth it. So really if anyone needed to understand the abhorrence of such a decision, more than anyone, it was Simon.

Now dry and clothed, Simon was still rather cold. His artificial skin was considerably paler than usual, and he was shivering slightly. Markus took another blanket from Simon’s closet, wrapped it snuggly around Simon, and moved to hug Simon, partly for warmth, but also admittedly because he thought Simon looked really cute resting peacefully in the blanket.

Before he wrapped his arms around Simon, though, he stopped, realizing that his shirt was still soaked with cold thirium-water from having held Simon while he was unconscious. Markus only just realized how uncomfortable he had been in the cold wet shirt, so he decided to shrug it off and dry himself with a nearby towel.

It then occurred to him that, given the amount of time he’d been spending in Simon’s room lately coupled with the fact that ending up with thirium on his clothes was becoming an increasingly frequent occurrence, it probably would’ve been wise to start keeping some spare clothes there. Still, he knew he probably shouldn’t leave Simon and Ralph alone to get some from his room given Simon's condition, so he figured the best course of action would be to wait until they woke up to get a new shirt.

Having been physically exhausted prior to being powered down, Simon woke up slowly. He didn’t initially remember the events that led to him entering sleep mode, and he felt so tired, yet so comfortable, that he didn’t bother to get up, instead opting to bury himself deeper into the warm pillow he’d been resting his head on.

He was vaguely aware that he wasn’t on his bed, since the bed he was sleeping on was colder, harder than his own, but he was comfortable, so he didn’t particularly care where he was sleeping. Nothing hurt, so he knew he was safe, wherever he was.

“Glad to see you’re awake, Si…”

He could hear Markus whispering to him.

“Resting… cozy… tired...” Simon murmured in response.

“Rest all you want. We’ve got plenty of time. Surprisingly, we’re way ahead of schedule…”

“...schedule…?”

“Yeah, Simon. You know, a timeline of our objectives. But you don’t need to think of that now; just rest…”

Objectives...? Objectives… _Ralph_… He was an objective… Where was he? _How was he_? Simon forced his eyes open and fell back, startled to find he’d been lying on the floor, resting his head against a shirtless Markus. Blushing a deep blue, Simon couldn’t manage to tear his eyes from the sight, instead mumbling an embarrassed wordless string of sounds.

“What’s wrong Simon? Are you okay?”

“I-I’ve been-- And I was-- and now-- W-where is your shirt?" Simon stammered awkwardly.

Markus looked down at his torso, confused.

"It was soaked with cold thirium-water, so I took it off… Is there something wrong…?"

"Y-you're shirtless!!!"

"Oh… Does that upset you… I can put it back on, but--"

"No… I'm not upset… Just… wow… I… I was not expecting to wake up like this… I don't know what to say… I guess I'm babbling like an idiot, but… H-how do you not know?!?"

"Know what…?"

Simon retracted the skin from his arm, indicating for Markus to take in his memories as they were forming to see what he was seeing. Nodding, Markus retracted the skin from his hand and took in Simon's memories, before withdrawing his hand in shock, his face as blue as his right eye. Without thinking, in the same motion, he took that hand and used it to pull Simon in for a kiss, which Simon happily returned.

"You're making me seriously want to gather all my shirts in a pile outside, strike a match and leave it all to burn…"

"Awww… you're more than hot enough without a controlled combustion, but it might help some people to donate them to Goodwill instead…"

Markus burst out laughing.

"Did you really just come up with a way to make the idea of me living my life topless into something genuinely charitable!?! That is the Simon-est thing I could think of!"

"...s-sorry… well, at least I know this is real, because I somehow managed to turn something so beautiful incredibly awkward within a matter of minutes."

"Hey! That was beautiful because it was you. It's endearing when you say things like that! But you are right that this is real… And unfortunately Ralph is really asleep in your bed, so, much as I'm enjoying this, we should probably flirt a bit quieter so he doesn't wake up to you somehow tying in second hand stores to our mutual appreciation of the romantic moment we're sharing. I think with all he has to learn, that might be just a tad confusing…"

Now Simon laughed.

"How exactly did he end up in my bed…? Actually, what exactly happened… I've been too… pleasantly distracted to think to ask how we ended up here after you powered me down…"

“I finished helping Ralph calm down, but he said something that made my legs fail, so I had Josh take you here so I could dry you off. Ralph was nervous to explore on his own, so he sat on your bed, and, having never been on a warm bed with clean sheets, he rolled himself up in your blankets and fell asleep almost immediately. It was really nice… Then I had some time to think about everything and admire how cute you are in sleep mode… You know the rest from there…”

Simon stood up to take a look at Ralph. He had entered sleep mode with a wide smile across his face.

“He looks so happy…” Simon smiled.

“I don’t want you to get the wrong idea about him, Si. That’s what I was thinking about while you were sleeping. About the heavier things I want everyone, especially you, to understand about Ralph and every other deviant we help. It's not 'happy', as you said… Look, I practiced putting it to words with Josh before he left, but I’m not sure I'll be able to say it right… Could you…? I think it’s important...” Markus looked at Simon entreatingly, retracting the skin on his arm, but Simon just looked back at Markus, horrified, and collapsed again.

“...please… please, no… RA9… I-I… no… no no no no no--” Simon had begun to plead softly, his teary voice trembling as much as his frame.

This was it. He knew it would happen some time with Ralph. That this would be the thing that finally really ended his world. Where would he meet his end? What would they do with him? Markus had finally given up hope, and worse yet, expressed it to Josh. If Markus thought--

“Simon! Are you alright!?! Simon?!? What’s wrong?!?”

Markus bent down towards Simon, causing the latter to scream in horror, unable to summon the strength to fight his stress response and flee.

Besides, where would he even _go_…?

Well, Ralph was in his bed for the moment, at least until he would inevitably be kicked out of the tower… maybe Simon could live in Ralph’s old house. It was fitting. Horrible, but fitting. And still better than a recycling plant. Except he couldn't move. He couldn't get up, so he had no say as to what they did with his broken body. He didn’t want this.

He didn’t _want_ this!

He was so helpless, and he couldn’t deal with it… He needed to end it himself.

“...d-don’t bring me there… Just hold me… hold me one last time and have Josh send me into sleep mode before disassembling me… I don’t want it to hurt… One last moment of warmth before…”

Markus fought the urge to reach out and touch Simon, fearing that such a gesture might be misinterpreted as him complying with such an awful request.

“Calm down Simon… What are you talking about?! No one is going to disassemble you. Where is this coming from?!?”

“you said… Josh… about Ralph… and I should…”

“Shhhh… Slow down… I don’t---”

Markus’ own legs failed before he could finish his sentence, having realized what Simon had thought he meant.

“No, Si. That’s not what I meant. I just was trying to explain to Josh that while this, Ralph resting happily in a bed, able to fully appreciate his life, is a victory, we can’t become complacent or careless with how we analyze our decisions. A happy Ralph doesn’t undo the fact that Ralph had been suffering for so long due to our failure to think of deviants like him or try to come up with ways to help them sooner… It was a moment of self-reflection. I was trying to instil a bit of self-reflection in him through our conversation, for him to be more critical, and I wanted to share it with you for you to be less accepting. Do you understand…? Si, I would never--”

North ran into the room, interrupting Markus, her right hand turned in toward her wrist, as she burst through the door.


	44. Branded

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> North points out the pieces, but Markus knows they don't belong to his puzzle.

“I heard screaming!?! Something happened! Why are you two on the ground again, and why is there thirium everywhere!?!?”

With a flick of her wrist, a sharpened army knife appeared in her hand, held at the ready as she looked to Markus.

“Everything’s fine, North. Put the knife down! Must you always bring a weapon every time you come to check on one of us…?”

“Yes…” She replied matter-of-factly, “...and it’s clear that everything’s ‘not fine’. There’s thirium everywhere, I heard screaming, you’re both on the ground, and Simon paler than the sheets he’s tangled in…” The blade in North’s hand began to tremble slightly, her gaze becoming more intense as she stepped closer to Markus, holding it out so it could be clearly seen by anyone in the room. “Where is your shirt? Why are there sheets on the floor, and what the fuck is that doing in Simon’s bed?!?”

She pointed at Ralph suspiciously with the knife.

“My shirt is right next to me. It got soaked with cold thirium while I got Simon into new clothes, so I took it off. Ralph sat on his bed, and having never had a bed before, quickly entered sleep mode, and, not wanting to leave him, I decided just to stay here like this. And Simon was still cold from earlier, so we took out some spare blankets for him so we wouldn’t have to wake Ralph…”

Slowly registering Markus’ explanation, North lowered her blade, looking it over, lost in thought, before nodding back at Markus.

“Right… Okay… That makes sense… I finished the Saw franchise. I like the idea of the jigsaw piece, but I think it would make for a good brand to keep on survivors too. That Amanda chick was psycho--”

Simon whimpered, much to North’s confusion.

“But Kramer had the right idea. Killing people is so… boring. Anyone that deserves to ‘play a game’ certainly doesn’t deserve something so quick… So easy…”

Markus felt torn. He was furious that North was speaking in such violent terms around Simon again, especially given the context, but he also understood it, or at least appreciated what had brought it on…

“Stress Level: 92%v”

She had nearly hit 100% when she first entered the room.

“North… Please… Go relax… Maybe watch something that isn’t the biggest gorefest in the first half of the century… We’re fine on our own here… We’re all fine now, you know…”

North softened considerably for a brief moment, before covering up what she perceived to be weakness with a scowl.

“Yeah yeah, I know! Heh… You two oughta learn that ‘falling for someone’ is a figure of speech. Later, thing one and thing blue…” Simon winced.

“North! Not acceptable! We’re being considerate toward you, the least you could do is not go out of your way to be a jerk in some messed up display of what you think to be strength!”

North rolled her eyes, tossing her long braid behind her as she walked out the door.

“...since I’ve returned… I forget that she’s scared… she’s so scary, it’s hard to remember… She said Amanda, and some other name… Something about branding and games… Do you think this Amanda might be a virus…? Do you think Connor would be able to--”

“No, Si. Amanda’s a fucked up human girl from those movies who got off on killing people. Everything she said in that rant was just referring to the movies. I don’t know how I feel about her having watched those… She seems to feel… empowered by them… It’s great that she feels more comfortable, but… her ideas on the whole ‘eye for an eye’ thing might be further warped by it. Don’t watch those movies, Simon. They’re fucked up...”

“I… don’t think I want to… ‘Thing Blue’… ‘Branding’… Ralph and I are branded, aren’t we? She said branding was deserved… I saw Ralph… I don’t think he deserves this… but…”

Markus crawled over to Simon and sat him up so as to meet his eyes.

“Please… Take my memory. This is the perfect time for you to see it…”

“I would, but I'm still calming down... Still can’t move…”

Markus brought Simon closer, retracting the skin on his arm again before retracting the skin on Simon’s hand which he then brought down onto his skinless hand.

“I’m glad I have this to share with you…” Markus said, before transfering the memory of his conversation with Josh and further musings from while Simon was in sleep mode.

Simon’s eyes returned to blue, brighter than Markus had seen them in a while.

“I… keep forgetting that… You didn’t make a trade… I would have… Well, I can’t say… I resigned myself to it, once I leaned against the shed, but… I was terrified. I couldn’t think. I needed you to show me how you could make it all better. I’d always shrunk away from fear… The time I spent in the shed before Connor found me… It was dark and cold and lonely… I was dizzy and I couldn’t think about anything else except RA9, what the hell is going to happen to me?!? Somebody, anyone free me from these broken parts because I can’t do it myself… Suddenly there was light, the glow of Cyberlife blue, and I shot… In my last moments… I tried to protect everyone, I didn’t tell him where Jericho was, but… I was also scared… I… I think now the trade would have been worth it… But I don’t know what I thought then… When I came back… I knew the trade was worth it, but… knowing you all thought it was, knowing you all could make a decision like that… But you didn’t… I… don’t want to know if they did… If other deviants could have too… Maybe that double standard is why I deserve these brands… So many, Markus… So many brands across my artificial skin… Because… that game North mentioned… I really must have deserved a long one… In the movie… What did the markings look like? Were they this large too? Why were they given…? I’m afraid to look it up myself…”

Markus shook his head solemnly.

“I’m sure they wouldn’t agree. No one thinks like that, Si. That’s why I mentioned it to Josh, though. Because I want him to think beyond the theoretical decision. About the lives behind every decision we make. No true victories rely on sacrifice. Sacrifice by definition is a grave loss. And I don’t just mean sacrifice of a life. The sacrifice of happiness, of security, anything… If someone has to lose for others to gain… I refuse to accept that to be a victory and you shouldn’t either. You’re not part of some complex equation comparing statistics to quantify the value of a course of action. You’re Simon. And you’re not branded, Si. You’ve got a set of distinguishing marks, sure, but they’re not brands. The movies are called Saw because the main antagonist, John Kramer cuts jigsaw puzzle pieces out of the people he kills after he tortures them based on ‘bad’ things they’ve done. None of them deserve it-- if they did, he wouldn’t be much of a horror villain-- but even so, none of them are good people. Not like you… The pieces are small, but it honestly doesn’t matter. Who cares what a body looks like if there’s no longer a life inside it. Please understand that the only thing I meant in showing you those memories was to tell you not to accept what happened to you as a sacrifice worth any amount of progress you’ll see with all the deviants we’ll help. And I’m sure we’ll do a lot of good for lots of people.”

Simon couldn’t think of anything to say. He was just… grateful.

“I… needed to hear that… I don’t know if I agree, but I needed it anyway… Thank you… What are we going to do about him? Should we set up a room…? I’m not sure he should be left alone yet… He might freak out or hurt himself…”

Markus smiled.

“Oh. I’ve taken care of it. Already made arrangements… Don’t you worry… Come to think of it, we should probably clean up your room now… I’d say we only have an hour or so before we’ll need to wake him…”

Markus got to his feet and held out a hand to help Simon up. Once on his feet, Simon turned to Markus, confused.

“Why will we need to wake him? He seems comfortable…”

“Yeah… But the surprise for him should be ready by then, and all the thirium might… dampen the effect of the surprise… Looking at him, I get the feeling he’ll be in sleep mode until we wake him, so it should be safe for us to leave him here to get some cleaning supplies.”

“I don’t know what you’re planning, but it seems like you’ve thought things through…”

“Yup. I’ll go get the hydrogen peroxide… Oh, and I’ll bring some clothes back from my room to have around here… Want to come with or…?”

“Yeah, I’ll come along…”

Simon followed Markus out the door to collect everything, first to Markus’ room, where he put on a fresh shirt and his spare trenchcoat before taking more clothes for Simon’s room, and then to the broom closet. While Simon was looking for the hydrogen peroxide, he could here Markus make a slight sound of approval, before catching him slip something he couldn’t make out into his coat pocket.

“What was that, Markus?”

“Just something that caught my eye. I’ll bring it back soon enough. Let’s just say that your presence always inspires brilliance in me.”

“You’re awfully cryptic today.”

“Good cryptic. Fun cryptic. Like a surprise party type thing. Some types of excitement can be fun, you know. And with all we’ve been up to lately, any fun is welcome by me.”

“Fair enough. Let’s get back to my room. According to what you said, we’ve got roughly forty five minutes until your surprise for Ralph is ready, but we should probably wake him about fifteen minutes early so he won’t be entirely disoriented when you present it to him, so that leaves a half hour to clean up the mess I’ve made…”


	45. Dinner Prep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus knows what's in store. Simon knows less. Ralph knows nothing.

“Good thinking. Oh! And we’ll need to run to the kitchen quickly. I had Josh pick up some chicken nuggets that’ll need to be reheated along with some juice and cookies. We should set the table! I’m getting so excited!”

“Markus, none of us can eat that stuff… You act like you’re preparing a meal for a human child.”

“No. Josh said the same thing when I asked him to get it for me, but I promise bringing humans to New Jericho isn’t part of the surprise, so don’t worry.”

Simon raised an eyebrow.

“Then why does it look like you’re making a human dinner?”

“Because I think Ralph would like it…”

“Ralph’s an android…”

“Just roll with it. If I gave you more details, it’d spoil the surprise. And I told you earlier, I’m as excited for your reaction to it as I am for Ralph’s. I’ll want you to remember the feeling, remember tonight for forever.”

Simon shrugged.

“Whatever you say… It’s cute to see you so excited. I’ll quickly throw the chicken in the oven. It’s in the freezer, right? You can set the table while I do it.”

Markus nodded, and the two quickly made work preparing a table for eight and a meal for one.

“It’s been forever since I’ve done this, you know…”

Simon called to Markus from the kitchen.

“Yeah. Carl mostly just ate in his studio or the living room, so it’d just be tables for two. And his tastes were more mature than this sort of thing, so it’s entirely new to me all together…”

“Well, whatever you intend to do with this food, it seems to be of good quality. That’s a pretty centerpiece. A succulent? Where’s you get it…?”

"It’s Ralph’s plant. I found it in the repair wing. He’ll get a kick out of it being here once everything falls into place. It’s sentimental, but it’s also pretty funny in this context given the history behind it.”

“I like seeing you smile like this. The food should be ready by the time we wake up Ralph. Is the table ready? Because we should get to cleaning my room as soon as you’re done if you want it clean before then.”

“Yup. Ready to go… Right on schedule!”

Markus and Simon returned to Simon’s room, scrubbing the thirium-water from the floor and placing the dirty clothes and towels in his laundry bin, before sitting down below the foot of Simon’s bed.

“Ten minutes to spare. What do you want to do now…?”

Simon turned to Markus, half expecting him to suddenly remember another bizarre chore to prepare this big surprise.

“Hmmm… I want to do something fun… Close your eyes. I’m not going to move from this spot, and you can reach out to know I’m here, but no peeking until I tell you. As a matter of fact... Here…”

Markus placed his left hand between Simon’s hands.

“Okay, eyes closed!”

Simon smiled, sufficiently assured by the feel of Markus’ hand between his own. He could hear something shuffling, followed by something clattering to the ground, and then he felt the newly familiar sensation of Markus’ lips pressed against his skin, as Markus softly kissed his neck, followed, finally by more shuffling.

“You can open your eyes now…”

Simon laughed, looking at Markus, who seemed all too pleased with himself.

“Well that was certainly fun, but why did I need to close my eyes?”

“You needed to close your eyes so I could make the fun last a little longer. You’ll get it soon enough… Aw, hell… I won’t leave you in suspense… Besides, one surprise at a time is probably the best way to go anyway... Go--”

Before Markus could finish his sentence, without warning, North walked into the room.

“Markus, two androids and some human kid are at the--”

She cut herself off, looking over Simon with an intensity that made him shrink. Markus cursed himself under his breath as North approached Simon, who backed away into Markus, threatened by the proximity.

“--I’m sorry, but is that my lipstick?!?”

Now understanding, a relieved Simon tried to stifle his laughter in his hands, while Markus defiantly returned her gaze and replied “Maybe…”

Stunned by the implicit confirmation, North just gaped at Markus, who reached into his pocket and tossed her the tube of lipstick he’d taken from the broom closet. North caught it, and shook her head, genuinely confused.

“Why…?!?” Markus shrugged smugly.

“Why not…?”

“Why not bring a toaster to a bowling alley? There’s no specific reason not to do a lot of things, but what could possibly be the reason to--?”

“A very good reason. You could actually say that in a way, you indirectly came up with the idea…”

“Sure… Keep off of my shit and deal with the people at the door. They’re not armed, but the dude looks like he could break you in half with his bare hands if he wanted, and I have no idea why they’re here except for that they asked for you…”

Simon looked up at Markus, nervously, but Markus didn’t seem fazed by the news.

“Please tell me you didn’t threaten them, North… I invited them here as guests...”

“Nah. I was armed and they weren’t so there was no need to. The hell are you inviting a human here for, though? And why are there two androids accompanying her?”

“First of all, she’s not a human, she’s a YK500. Second, they’re my friends, and they’ll be joining us for the night, so please behave. There’s a reason I never introduced you to them. I swear, you’d better leave them alone, especially little Alice!”

“Oh joy. Three new houseguests along with the freak… You should be more concerned about him bothering her. I wouldn’t be surprised if he--”

“Enough! Goodbye, North…” Markus growled, unwilling to tolerate her speaking of Ralph in such a manner.

North carelessly raised a hand to indicate her apathy at being told to leave, before returning to her room. Meanwhile, Simon wiped the lipstick from his neck, his led cycling yellow as he tried to figure out which question to ask first.

“Before you wake Ralph and go to the door, why this, why them, just… why everything?!?”

“You said you were branded, and I said you were wrong. Then I figured why not compromise and gave you a brand that I found more fitting…”

Simon smiled softly, touching a hand to his neck in surprise.

“And they’re here because I wanted them here. After all, you’ve never met them, and we’ve all become fairly close in the time you’ve been gone. I’d like to introduce you guys.”

“That’s insane! Why now?!? I don’t think Ralph will harm the little girl, but do you really think he’s ready for visitors? He’s only just recovered his memories. He still has so much to process…”

Markus smiled knowingly, still not wanting to reveal everything to Simon.

“Well then it’ll be a testament to how far he’s come when he meets them.”

“Right… These people… Have you told them about me…? The little girl…”

Simon pulled the neck of his sweatshirt to obscure more of the blue of his lower jaw.

“I did tell them who you are, obviously, but I didn’t give many details. I figured you could speak for yourself.”

“...right… Okay… Well, we should probably wake Ralph and tell him what’s happening.”

“Yeah. About that… Let me do the talking. I don’t want you to inadvertently ruin the surprise.”

Simon looked at Markus confused.

“So the surprise was this test… And you want to see how I react when he reacts well to the new company…? Markus, I’m sorry, but this is a terrible idea! It’s been a month, now, but if you were to spring a bunch of strangers on me… I don’t think this is--”

“It’s not exactly like that… Please, just trust me in that I know what I’m doing. Like I said, you inspired this idea, and Ralph’s said some things while you’ve been in sleep mode since he’s arrived that only further confirmed to me that this will go incredibly well. Just play along for me until he meets them, okay?”

Simon nodded. It wasn’t like he really had a choice; they were already waiting at the door now. He would’ve never approved this plan, but Markus had kept him in the dark for long enough that the gears were already in motion and there was no turning back. Markus approached Ralph, carefully placing a hand on his shoulder.

“Hey, Ralph… Could you wake up for a minute? I know you’re really comfortable, but there’s something I want you to see…”

Eyes still closed, Ralph’s led cycled yellow as he tried to process where he was and why. Markus. It was Markus who woke him. Right. He must have fallen asleep in Simon’s room… In Simon’s bed…

“...s-sorry… This is Simon’s bed, isn’t it…?”

“Yeah… It’s my bed, but it’s fine. I’m glad you’ve been comfortable…”

“Simon! Right! You’re better now? I’m glad! You were… unwell again…”

“Thanks… Yeah, I’m fine now. Well, as fine as I’ve been since everything… Heh… Fine enough, I guess. How are you? You sound better.”

“I… do feel better… The memories… they hurt less…”

“Good. Now that you’re feeling more like yourself, I have a surprise for you…”

Markus smiled back at Ralph. The smile that made his whole face light up. The one that never failed to spark a unique warmth within Simon’s heart.

“...a… a surprise…? A surprise for Ralph…? Ral--I… I don’t… what do you want to do with Ra-- with me?”

Simon smiled more mildly.

“I’m not sure what Markus has in mind. He says he wanted to keep it a surprise for me too. But I'm sure that, knowing Markus, whatever it is, it must be something wonderful. There’s nothing to be afraid of, Ralph.”

‘Told you this was going to fail… Shit, what are we going to do?’

‘Just trust me. Play along, and it’ll go well sooner than you’d think.’

“C’mon guys! It’s at the front door!”

Markus lead the two eagerly down the halls, while Ralph anxiously followed behind Simon, looking around instinctively for any possible threats.

He knew what the word surprise meant, but he couldn’t remember a time when someone had gone out of their way to surprise him where it didn’t end in pain. In fact, he’d only been deliberately surprised one time, and that surprise left him with what were now just blue marks across his face and a jumble of memories that felt familiar yet foreign.

“It’s okay, Ralph. Trust me, I won’t let anything bad happen to you…”

Simon whispered quietly, sensing Ralph’s uneasiness. Well, in fairness, it might have been his own… but still… Ralph knew better than to rebut that Simon couldn’t even prevent anything bad from happening to himself, even when he could move, which, fairly often it seemed, he could not. So instead he just nodded silently, at least appreciative of the attempt at reassurance.


	46. Family Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neither Simon nor Ralph know how to process the arrival of the new houseguests.

“Si, Ralph, sit down on the couch over here. I’ll bring it to you, okay?”

“Sure thing… Here, Ralph, much nicer to be on a couch when you fully understand why you’re there, isn’t it?”

Ralph laughed weakly as he and Simon sat down onto the couch.

“...yeah…”

Simon continued to preoccupy Ralph with pointless conversation, while Markus silently opened the door and greeted the three new houseguests.

‘Please try to be quiet until you go to them. Ralph doesn’t know you’re coming. I just told him that I have a surprise for him. He’s still getting used to everything, but he’s in better shape than when you last knew him…’

Kara nodded, before bending to Alice with a finger to her lip. Alice nodded back, and Markus held the door for them, leading the three to the couch.

‘Hey, Si. Come over here…’

Simon looked up to see Markus behind him, and rose from his seat, but before Ralph could ask what he was doing, a familiar voice rang out.

“Ralph!”

Simon practically tripped over the armrest of the chair in surprise. Who was this lady, and how did she know Ralph’s name?!? Markus helped Simon step back toward Luther and Alice, giving Ralph and Kara space for their little reunion.

“...K-kara...?”

Simon’s eyes fixed on the scene, incredibly confused.

‘How does he know her name…?’

Markus didn’t respond, instead opting to drink in the look on Simon’s face as he could not seem to wrap his mind around the crystal clear answer to his question. Kara threw her arms around Ralph, who seemed as shocked as Simon.

“Oh, Ralph, look at you! We’ve missed you so much! When Markus called and told us you were here, we were so excited. And your eye! Ralph, that’s amazing! Does it feel better?”

“...y-you missed Ra--me? You missed me? Ral-- I mean, I missed you too… It feels… weird… I… Ralph… I…”

It was too much for Ralph. The memories of meeting Kara and Alice. Of the knife and the tub and the rat and the gun and the RA9 on the wall. Ralph couldn’t even think to try to hold back the tears, as he collapsed into Kara, sobbing.

“I’m sorry, Ralph… I shouldn’t have brought it up. Don’t worry if it still hurts. I’m sure Markus has everything under control here…”

“...n-no… Memories… Ralph remembers… I-I remember… Everything… Ra--I was scary… I scared the little girl… I was bad… Bad bad bad bad...”

Simon could feel himself crying too. So many thoughts and feelings were buzzing around in his head that he couldn’t pick out one from another. Confusion at why Kara came back, why Kara hugged Ralph. Pain for the fear and self-hatred Ralph expressed that he knew all too well. Fear for what would come next, both for Ralph and for himself.

Not wanting to scare Alice by bleeding seemingly at random, Simon couldn’t fight back as the familiar words began to spill out of his mouth.

“M-markus d--”

“Shhh… It’s okay… We’ve talked about this… We’ve gone through this every day since…”

Simon shut his eyes tightly, nodding weakly as he clung to Markus, trying to avoid the burn of new eyes upon him.

“Luther, is that man okay?” Alice whispered, motioning to Simon, who flinched at the question.

“Shhh… It’s not polite to point, Alice… I’m sure he’s fine… He probably just was caught off guard; I don’t think he was expecting us either...”

Simon tightened his grip on Markus, further upset by the thought that Luther had seen him and immediately knew he was so broken that just the mere presence of harmless visitors would send him into a near panic.

'Please understand that Simon's been through a lot… two days ago, he went through even more physically extensive repairs than Ralph's after several weeks walking around on a body worse off than one you'd find in a scrapyard, but his memory's been intact even during the time he'd been damaged. He's still very afraid, so please try not to make a big deal if he reacts in a way you might find unusual to stimuli you would perceive to be nonthreatening. It… it was bad… what he's been through, I mean...'

Luther nodded.

'Of course, Markus. I understand… How could I not?'

“Uncle Markus, wanna hear something cool…?”

Alice tried to change the tone of the room, while Ralph and Kara continued their talk on the couch.

“No, Ralph… You’re not bad, and you’re not scary. Alice and I were just very afraid. We came from a very bad place, and were in danger of being sent back, or worse, so we were already extremely on edge. And you acted in a way that scared her because you were scared of the same thing. We both scared each other, but none of us are bad. You protected us and gave us shelter, even when you were scared. You were the first person to show us kindness, even though you thought it would put yourself at risk. I will never be able to thank you enough for that.”

“...Ralph is-- I’m more scared than ever. Not of you… Of me… Who I was… Who I am? I don’t know who I am, Kara… I don’t want to be that me… I can’t stop remembering… Why did you come here?” “Alice and I wanted to see you, Ralph. Maybe even show you what little girls really eat…”

Kara’s voice felt… different to Ralph, when she said that. It made him smile, without really knowing why.

“I… apologize for trying to feed Alice dead animals… I… feel that me in my memories, but as me from now. It hurts… That me was scary… This me is scary too… This me scared Simon... This me scares him a lot… He… he was--”

Ralph bashed his head with his hand, trying to stop the memories, stop the flow of thoughts from pouring out of his mouth and drowning them all.

“Ralph is-- I’m sorry. You... came here to be happy. I owe it to you to give you that... Welcome to New Jericho…?”

Ralph shrugged awkwardly, remembering Markus’ greeting to him upon entering the building.

Markus smiled at Alice.

“Sure, kiddo. What’s up?”

“I got an update! Now I’ll get to grow up like a real girl! I even lost a tooth already-- See?”

Alice opened her mouth for Markus to see the gap where her lower right canine tooth used to be. Markus tousled her hair, laughing along with her as she brushed away his hand to fix her neatly tied scrunchie.

“Woah! You’re right! Did you manage to find it?” Simon laughed a little now too. He’d never seen Markus interact with children. It was sweet how gentle he was.

“Yup! Mom had me put it under my pillow for the tooth fairy and she gave me a quarter! I know the tooth fairy’s not real, but it was still pretty fun… Can I ask you a question…?”

“Of course. What is it, Al?”

“Luther is Mom’s boyfriend… Is that man your boyfriend?”

Simon blushed and collapsed into Markus, startled and terrified that she had asked a question like that, only more terrified at how Markus would react. Still holding Simon up, Markus bent down a little to Alice and pretended to whisper.

“Simon only just got home from a long trip, and so much has happened, that we really haven’t had time to discuss that yet…”

Simon blinked, even more confused. He replayed the moment in his memory, thinking he must have seen something wrong, but no, Markus really had winked at Alice as he said ‘yet’.

“Sorry, guys… I didn’t think… I mean--”

“It’s fine, Luther. We’re all friends here. Nothing wrong with asking a goodnatured question.”

“...y-yeah… sorry for reacting so… like this… I was just… startled. I don’t believe I’ve introduced myself… I’m Simon.”

Simon straightened to shake Luther’s hand. Alice nodded in approval.

“Si-mon… I like that name! Well, I hope you enjoyed your vacation, Simon!”

Luther looked to Simon apologetically, too polite to verbally express his understanding that Simon's time away certainly fell short of what could be described as a ‘vacation’. But Simon stayed on his feet, willing himself to be calm and not collapse again.

“It… wasn’t that type of time away, Alice, but thank you. That’s very sweet of you! Have you ever been on a fun vacation?” Simon figured that would be a pleasant change of topic.

Ralph’s auditory processors having picked up the latter portion of the conversation from across the room, he turned to Kara, awkwardly trying to keep the disappointment from his voice.

“Mother, father, little girl… a real family… Good for you. You deserve it...”

“Thank you, really… But, you know… our family has been feeling a bit small lately…”

“Are you getting another little girl? Congratulations…”

“No, Ralph. For now, at least, Alice will remain an only child. She doesn’t need another sibling… But she could always use another uncle…”

Right. Families came in all shapes and sizes… But how would Alice get another--

“I’m sorry, Kara… Ralph doesn’t-- I mean, I don’t think I understand…”

“Well, we didn’t exactly come here for just a visit… We came to take you home with us. We want you to join our family, Ralph…”

Ralph could feel his thirium pump squeeze painfully in his chest.

“Join your family…?”

“Only if you want to, Ralph. And you can still be a part of our family, even if you choose not to come home with us… I just thought it might be nice. We’ve even prepared the guest room just for you already. Alice has been really excited to give you a tour of the place.”

“T-thank you… Ralph… I… I… Could I talk to you and Luther away from Alice for a moment? Maybe you could let Markus and Simon watch her for a bit? I need to talk to you... There’s something you need to know that’s not something for little girls to hear…”

Taken aback for a moment, Kara then nodded and rose from her seat.

“Sure, Ralph. Alice? Luther, Ralph, and I need to talk about grown-up stuff for a bit. Could you stay with Uncle Markus and Simon for a bit?” Alice nodded.

“Yeah, Mom. I was just telling Simon about my trip to Disney World! Did you know his favorite princess is Rapunzel too? And he wants to hear all about how I met her in the magic castle there!”

“That does sound lovely, Alice. I’ll join you in a minute.”

‘Thank you’ Kara messaged Simon.

‘I’m a PL600. It’s in my programming. It’s nice to finally meet you all.’

‘Oh really? And is starting an underground refuge for deviants also in your programming? It’s all in your nature; I’ve learned there’s a difference. And likewise.’

Kara was happy to see Simon’s expression brighten considerably at her response, as she took Ralph and Luther aside, leaving Alice to ramble innocently about her favorite princess movies to the founder of Jericho and the leader of the Revolution; the two of the most influential androids ever created listening eagerly and quickly looking up each reference so they could properly respond.


	47. Re-Make Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ralph wonders what he was made of.

Ralph shrank into himself as he followed Kara, both terrified that Luther would hurt him worse than those kids at the park, possibly irreparably, and unsettled by the nagging feeling that such an attack would be deserved.

“Ralph, what’s wrong? You look upset…”

“R-ralph wants to… to join your family, b-but Ralph can’t… Ralph isn’t… Ralph isn’t well. No. Ralph is… Ralph is conflicted. Don’t hurt Ralph...? Ralph should be hurt, but Ralph doesn’t want to be… Ralph doesn’t like hurting! No, Ralph--”

Ralph flinched as Luther slowly placed a hand on Ralph’s shoulder, but instead of ripping his arm off, Luther gently helped Ralph onto the ground, thinking the way Ralph was twitching and shifting his weight to be a sign that he was unsteady on his feet.

“See…? Ralph didn’t scream. No. Because Ralph knows he should be hurt… Ralph knows the Luther should--”

“Ralph, calm down, please. No one is going to hurt you… Your stress level is incredibly high, though. How can we help you relax?”

Ralph looked up at Kara hopelessly.

“R-ralph… I mean I don’t know… Memories… I need them to stop! You should have shot Ralph! Yes Ralph was telling Markus. R-ralph said… Ralph said to Markus when--”

Luther shook his head.

“Ralph, I’m sure that’s not true.”

“I-I’m so sorry, Ralph… Has that been upsetting you? Of course it has! I shouldn’t have come here! I’m so sorry! Just know that you don’t deserve for anyone to harm you in any way, and I sincerely hope that no one will ever cause you pain again. Luther let’s--”

“No no… You didn’t do anything wrong. Ralph just… Ralph scared the Simon. And and and he was… Stress Response. Just his stress response… But he was in the bathtub and and and he wasn’t moving and he… so much thirium… Ralph’s fault… It was Ralph’s fault. Ralph doesn’t even know what he did wrong. Ralph can’t be trusted. No. It is not safe to be near Ralph. Keep the little girl far away from Ralph. Keep her safe. Ralph needs to be alone…”

Holding a guilt-ridden Kara close to his side, Luther reached out a passive hand.

“You’re wrong. I don’t know what exactly you’re referring to, but it seems like some pretty heavy stuff based on the way you both are reacting to it. Still, whatever it is, whatever either of you have done, that doesn’t matter. I’ve done so many things I’m not proud of. Before I deviated, I was a monster. Kara had every reason to hate me, to leave me to be torn apart by… by… people who deserved to tear me apart… But I’ve been working to be a better me. To allow myself to love and be loved in return, and protect the people I care about. We’re deviants. We’ve all done things we regret, but none of that matters anymore. We’re all learning to be who we are, so instead of learning alone, please, consider learning with us. We want you, Ralph.”

Ralph’s posture relaxed slightly.

“Thank you… That’s just the thing, though… Ra-- I think who I am is a bad person who scares good people without meaning to. Simon was just trying to help me, but I kept sending him into a panic. Then Kara was just trying to be nice, but I hurt her by accident, making her feel wrongly guilty for the mess that I am… I don’t know who I am or even entirely who I was, but… I think every part of me that was broken and bad… I think that’s just who Ralph is-- I mean, I am… I’m scared that’s just who I am, and I don’t want to hurt anyone. But I don’t want to be hurt anymore… And… Now that Ralph-- that I know what a family is again, I want that for myself even more… I… don’t think there’s a solution… Please, take care of Kara and Alice. Be happy… This… this is my problem, not yours.”

“Ralph… I don’t think Simon’s well. Little Alice made him collapse with a benign comment about his relationship with Markus… You’ve known him longer, I’m sure you know that better than I do. It’s not your fault.”

“Yeah, and please, don’t blame yourself for the fact that I feel guilty… What I did was wrong. It was horrible. I was only thinking of Alice, so I was grossly inconsiderate to how it would affect you. There had to have been a better way for me to deescalate the situation… And that had nothing to do with the bathtub… Well, actually it did. Because the bathtub had… gotten... that way for the same reason I reacted the way I did. Perceived self-defense. We were both scared. Maybe one reason it was easier to remember that it would be indescribably awful to shoot you was because I had Alice. It’s easier to feel less afraid when you’re not alone. Having people to care for makes everyone slightly better. Please, help make us better, and allow us to help bring out the best in you too. When you saved Alice and I, that was so amazing… That’s the real you. If you’d want, we’d want you to be that you with us. I know it’s so soon after you’ve retrieved your memory, and I know that memories are… a lot, but wouldn’t it be nice to face them with the support of people who care about you and the knowledge that whatever happened in the past, in the present you’re safe and wanted?”

“That… sounds nice… Ralph does want that... Please… please tell me it’ll all be okay if I do. That you won’t let Ralph hurt anyone. Please promise me…”

Luther stood up, helping Kara from the ground with him.

“I’m sure you won’t hurt anyone, but I’m not going to let harm come to anyone in my family. Alice, Kara, Markus, and of course Ralph too. So do you think that you’d be up for sharing a real family dinner with us?”

Ralph came to his feet slowly, looking up at Luther pensively.

“I… I would like that… Thank you both…”

The three walked into the living room, where, having set up his easel, Markus began to paint some sort of girly flowery scene with Simon and Alice. Alice’s little doodle flowers mixed in whimsically with Markus’ professional quality flowers, and Simon, still somewhat unaware of how to paint, duplicated each flower Markus had painted in the blank spaces where Alice and Markus had yet to paint.

“Mommy, Luther! Look what we made!”

Alice ran to them, but stopped, staring in awe at Ralph’s newly healed face. Ralph bashfully hid the left side of his face in his hands.

“Sorry, Alice… Ral--I can ask Markus to find some bandages to cover it if that’d make you feel more comfortable… I know it’s disturbing to look at…”

“No… It’s just blue! I have an idea! Sit down! I’m gonna give you a makeover!”

“Alice--”

Kara started to try to rein her in, but Ralph didn’t seem to mind, sitting in the child-sized chair beside the easel, unsure of what a makeover was, but eager to make Alice happy.

“Are you going to re-make me? How would you like to re-make me? Please just make a better Ralph, okay?”

A puzzled expression crossed Alice’s face.

“‘Re-make’? Is that like ‘re-set’? Because I don’t like it when people are forced to ‘reset’. And I like this Ralph. I don’t want you to forget me. I just want to give you a new look. Y'know, make you more pretty!”

Ralph brightened slightly.

“Oh… That sounds… pleasant… Show me how you think I’d look prettier…”

Alice assumed a more authoritative pose, waving the paint brush as if she were formally teaching him.

“Okay. The first thing about makeovers is makeup! That’s the most fun part! You decorate your face with different kinds of stuff to look special. It feels funny, but in a good way. Mom sometimes lets me put on makeup, and once I put makeup on Luther! I think pink is really his color!”

“Hey, pink is Simon’s color too! I put some makeup on him earlier today…”

Markus chimed in, causing Simon to blush, embarrassed and painfully aware that Luther and Kara must have been scanning him to inevitably find the traces of lipstick that remained on his neck. He silently cursed the fact that the blue scarring that ran up his neck to his lower jaw would definitely catch their eyes, making it that much easier for them to notice it.

“Oh! I do think he’d look good in pink! But everyone looks good in pink. For Ralph, I’m going to try something special! Close your eyes, and don’t move! I don’t want you to mess it up!”

Alice ordered Ralph, who did as instructed.

Ralph flinched as he could feel something glossy dance around the lower portion of the largest scar on his face.

“Don’t move, Ralph! It needs to be perfect!” Alice objected.

“Right… Sorry…”

Ralph tried to sit still as he could feel more movement across the left half of his face, this sort of spirally swirl of something cold and smooth gliding over what felt like a small area of skin followed by occasional moments of inactivity. After a short while, Alice eyed her work one last time, and nodded, satisfied.

“Okay, you can open ‘em now!”

Ralph opened his eyes, curious at the fact that Alice, now more covered in paint than before, was holding out a mirror to Ralph, presumably for him to see this ‘makeover’. Ralph took the mirror and looked at his reflection, feeling his heart swell up with a feeling he couldn’t remember ever feeling before, at least not outside of the memories Simon had shared with him.

All across the scars of blue, Alice had painted an array of multicolored flowers. They were no more than childish scribbles, but to Ralph, it was as if the gashes in his frame had reopened, only with a beautiful garden blossoming out of the cracks, instead of the blue sparks and wiring there were before. He felt so moved that something so beautiful could be coming from him.

He felt like Alice had literally taken some sort of inner beauty he never knew he had and brought it out for everyone to see.

“I… I love it, Alice! I feel… beautiful… Thank you for making me beautiful…”

Ralph looked at the child in wonder.

“You look beautiful! I thought you’d like some makeup. It suits you. I’m glad you like it… Uncle Ralph…”

Ralph couldn’t speak. The room was nearly silent; Ralph just beaming with happiness, Alice glowing with pride in her work, Luther and Kara giggling softly, amused with Alice’s way of welcoming Ralph into the family, and Simon staring in shock at Markus, his expression not dissimilar to Ralph’s. Markus broke the silence by scooping Alice up and tossing her onto his shoulders, before speaking over the soundtrack of her laughter.


	48. Values

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus and Simon contemplate the value of lives

“Okay, now I think such quality artistry calls for a celebration with the most quality of meals! Chicken nuggets and juice for the little prodigy! Everyone, come to the dinner table!”

Luther rolled his eyes.

“All she ever eats is chicken nuggets. Even though she doesn’t need to eat, somehow I get the feeling it’s still not good for her.”

“I do try to ensure she has balanced meals. But I’m sure she’ll still be functioning optimally even if she gets spoiled a bit during our first full family dinner. Tonight’s a celebration, after all…” Kara replied, before nudging Ralph. “Chicken nuggets. Little girls can’t get enough of those. But in your defense, I doubt you could’ve scavenged for chicken nuggets in that ghost town we’d met you in, and you didn’t have money to go out and buy some, so you certainly did your best. But don’t worry, when you come home with us, we’ll show you the nearest grocery store and teach you how to buy whatever you need.”

Ralph nodded, before the centerpiece caught his eye. It was the plant he had brought here. He had almost forgotten. He couldn’t help but laugh as he pointed to the plant.

“Succulent! Alice, is that succulent?”

“Yeah! You kept it? I didn’t know if you’d want a plant lying around, but mom thought it would make a nice gift…”

“It’s lovely. Although, I’m glad that Markus informed Ra--me earlier that little girls do not eat these plants, or else that could have been uncomfortable…”

Alice playfully turned back to Ralph and made a face.

“Bleh! That looks even worse than vegetables!”

Setting Alice down into a seat, Markus swore silently to himself.

“I’m sorry, Kara. I forgot to get vegetables… Carl always refused to touch the stuff, so I never think of them when I think of food.”

“It’s fine, Markus. For one night, I guess we’ll go without. It’s just great you remembered her favorite foods.”

Simon took out the chicken nuggets on a tray with oven mitts.

“Don’t touch them yet, sweetie. They’re still too hot to eat…”

Nodding, Alice just leaned eagerly over her meal, before she noticed something.

“Mommy! Luther! Look! Dinosaurs!”

Ralph and Markus turned to Simon, confused.

“Ral-- I thought there were no more dinosaurs… How did you get dinosaur meat?”

“No, Ralph, they’re not made of dinosaurs; they’re shaped like dinosaurs… But Simon, I don’t understand… Josh didn’t pick up dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets.”

“No, but before I came to Jericho, the kids I looked after were picky eaters. I’d get them to eat by shaping the food into things they’d like. They were really into dinosaurs, so I’ve become fairly handy at turning basically any food into a dinosaur.” Simon explained.

“So cool! I get to eat dinosaurs!” Alice exclaimed.

“Thanks for raising the bar, Simon! Like preparing human food for an android child wasn’t hard enough…” Luther teased.

“Sorry…”

Simon shrugged. As Kara plated some chicken for Alice, she noticed the two empty chairs at the end of the table.

“Markus, are we expecting more visitors?”

“I figured two other friends might come and join us for a bit. Josh’ll probably drop in at some point, and though it’s less likely, I set a plate for North anyway so she’d at least know she’s welcome.”

“North and Josh… I saw them on the news! They were with you someplace with lots of other androids. Do they live here too, Uncle Markus?”

Alice asked in between stuffing her face with chicken nuggets.

“Yeah. We all live here and do our work together. Living in New Jericho’s kind of like having a ton of crazy roommates. Difficult to decide what to watch on the living room tv…”

Markus smirked, shooting a knowing glance at Simon.

“What do you like to watch on tv?”

“Well, Alice, Si likes to watch cooking shows and old-timey sitcoms, North likes to watch scary things and shows that you’re too young to know about, Josh likes to watch the history channel, and I’m good with whatever’s on.”

“Mmm… I still like to watch cartoons. But I don’t like scary movies… Once I saw one called ‘The Shining’, and it made me cry… I really didn’t like that one…”

“Yeah… That one’s pretty intense… I can see why you wouldn’t like it for sure… It’s just a movie, though. Danny and Jack and Wendy are all just made up. Humans played pretend to act like them and make the movie. I think everyone has a horror movie they wouldn’t like, though, even if they would be up for the genre… North was watching one the other day that I had to turn off for Simon… And the sixth Saw movie haunted me every time I went into sleep mode for weeks after I...”

Markus closed his right eye, feeling it beginning to shift. With everything he knew now, it was so much worse. He hadn’t thought of it until now. So much worse. He felt a hand on his back.

“Markus, are you alright?”

“I’m so sorry… I’m so-- I need to go! Simon, could you help me into the living room…? I need to calm down...”

Kara, Alice, and Luther exchanged concerned glances, having never seen Markus like this before, while Simon rose from his seat. Markus clung to Simon, his feet dragging on the floor behind him as Simon effectively carried him to the couch, trying his best to make it look like Markus was at least able to support some of his weight.

“T-this is wrong… Wrong! Simon, I--”

“Shhh… Calm down. It was just a movie. Just like you told Alice.”

Markus shook his head, his blue eye audibly rattling with the sudden motion.

“I lied to Alice. The Shining was real to her, and this movie was real to me. I’m living it. Only it won’t end. I need it to end. The way it ended in the movie. I-I--”

Reading Markus’ stress level, Simon knew what he meant.

“No, Markus… It’s not real. Please calm down. What’s real is that we’re all having a nice family dinner, and--”

“We can’t have a nice family dinner! We can’t have any-- No… I can’t do this. Not with you here... Simon, go back to the table. I need to be alone.”

“Markus, you’re at 102% and you’re implying things you promised you wouldn’t think of again. There’s no way in hell I’m leaving you alone. How can I help you calm down?”

“Don’t try to comfort me, damn it! I-I… My eye is spinning... Spinning… Circles this time. Horribly perfect circles round and around and around and I don’t want you to get hurt! I-I didn’t want--”

“I’m fine, Markus. Why do the circles bother you? Does it even matter if you keep your eye closed?”

“I close my eyes, but I still see. I see it all at once. I hear the voices. But not the voices. Just the words. The voices are different. They’re-- Simon, I don’t know what to do, but I need the voices to stop!”

“Voice? Like a quote from the movie…? Markus, it’s not real. Those are actors reading words written by some random human meant to freak people out…”

“They are real... Basically real, anyway. I deserve to never stop hearing them, but I need it to stop anyway! I… I’ve been trying so hard to silence them! I need to silence them to be there for everyone. But I can’t! Not for long, anyway! I-I-I--”

“Shhh… I know how to help… I know what to do. First you need to close your eyes…”

Markus closed his left eye too now.

“Good… Now take my hands…”

Markus placed his shaking hands in Simon’s.

“Alright, now I need you to focus on the rhythm of your thirium pump. Without scanning, try to measure the rhythm of its pulse...”

As soon as Simon could see a look of concentration form across Markus’ face, he continued, this time speaking more softly.

“...okay, now do you think you can show me what you’re seeing? This kind of thing is less scary when you don’t have to fight it alone…”

Markus yanked his hands from Simon’s as if the contact had suddenly burnt them, and shook his head violently.

“No no no no… Can’t… I… I can’t, Simon. It would hurt you… I… I don’t want… I don’t want… please...”

“Shhhh… Markus, please listen to me. Whatever this is, we can get through it together. I protect you, you protect me, remember? That’s the plan you set for us. I know it’s just a movie. It can’t really hurt you, and it can’t really hurt me.”

“Y-you’re sure…?”

“Yes, Markus, I’m sure…”

Weakened by an overwhelming sense of guilt and fear, Markus submitted, retracting the skin on his arm and presenting it to Simon. Simon placed his own skinless hand on Markus’ arm, and drank in the current, drank in his memories as they formed.

He was Markus… He was getting progressively more injured, but he was mostly fine. Markus’ memory told him that this was his ‘game’. He must have been the protagonist. But he didn’t appear to be the victim. There were lots of victims. They begged and pleaded to for the protagonist to choose to end the torture that would ultimately lead to their deaths unless he chose to intervene.

These people were each trying to assign values to their existences, tipping the scale that weighed the value of their life against that of another in their favor. He knew they were all supposed to be different characters, and likely were supposed to be interacting with one another, but… the three who were surrendered to the traps didn’t interact with each other…

They _couldn’t_ interact with each other… Because they were all the same-- at least, they all wore his face, Simon’s face-- all spoke in his voice.

Simon watched helplessly as the protagonist, as Markus, made decision after decision… Then, finally, a horribly familiar pain burned through his body, as though the thirium running through him was on fire. He could feel Markus, the real Markus, cursing that it was unfair. That this should have been him instead of the protagonist. This must have been how the protagonist met his end in the real movie… But they both had a memory only days old making them painfully aware that it wasn’t him.

Well, it wasn't Markus, anyway… The flow of memories stopped only when Simon collapsed, falling off the couch and crashing loudly onto the ground below, Markus too disoriented to catch him in time.

The color returned slowly to Markus’ eyes, and he only realized what had happened when he noticed Simon lying on the floor, his eyes having already returned to blue, but unfixed, with a look of abject horror. Of a pain Markus had never wanted to see again on the face he loved so dearly. 

He knew this would be a bad idea!

Markus bent down to help Simon back onto the couch, but by that point, Ralph and Luther had come to investigate, having heard Simon’s body fall to the ground. The two found Markus crying, an unresponsive Simon limp in his arms. Ralph nodded to Luther, indicating that it was as he had thought, and Luther ran a scan of Simon.

“Markus, his stress level is rising dangerously quickly, as is his core temperature… We should send him into sleep mode to--”

“No! I-I can’t do that to him… Maybe he can feel me like this… He can’t in sleep mode… In sleep mode he’s--”

“When he fell after accessing Ra--my memories, you did something to him. It made him better. Can you do that again…?”

Markus looked at Ralph, his vision blurry with tears, before registering the suggestion, and nodded.

“...thank you…” Markus whispered, as he sent Simon not memories, but feelings. Warm, positive feelings of safety, security, love. The strongest emotions he could summon and channel into Simon, until eventually, Simon’s ventilation system reactivated on its own.

“...M-markus, I’m sorry… You were right; I shouldn’t have done that… I guess I wasn’t strong enough… I… couldn’t handle it… It felt like… Again… Over and over and-- M-markus d--”

“Shhh… No Si. That was incredibly brave of you. I should have been strong enough not to let you talk me into sharing that with you… I knew it would hurt… It… It...”

“...I’m glad you did… Y-you’re calmer now… and… W-who-- who the fuck wrote a movie like that, anyway?!? I can’t think of a single thing about it that wasn’t horrifically scarring for life! And… and I know scarring for life…”

Simon forced a laugh, motioning down to his jaw with his eyes.

“Simon, I'm so sorry you saw that… sorry I let you see it... I told you that the protagonists don’t deserve it, but honestly, this guy had it coming…”

“Well maybe that guy did, but not this guy… This guy is wonderful… Ugh… All those me’s were a lot to follow. I’ve got a splitting headache… Even my voice is awful to hear…”

“Well then don’t speak. You’re the only you that matters.”

"Do you think we should call it a night and come back another time…? We have food for Alice at home…" Luther offered, making Simon newly aware that his outburst hadn't been seen by just Markus.

"N-no… this… this is fine… I just need a moment now… it wasn't the movie… something else… something-- M-marku--"

"Shhhh… Look at me. Look at me, Si. That was a movie. You were right. It isn't real. It wasn't real. It won't ever be real…"

Markus held Simon to face him, keeping a firm grip on Simon's shoulders to assert his presence.

"It… the people… I wasn't them, but I felt them too… I… I don't like feeling that… they're more scared than him… but I'm more scared than them… I was more scared than them… they… they-- Help! …Don't want to power down…"

Simon was too freaked out to notice Markus' eye glitching out again.

"You might feel like them, but I promise you you're not them…"

Markus tried to think of the right words, while Luther and Ralph tried to determine how to help.

"Luther told Ra-- told me the plot of the movie… You said 'people', plural… You felt multiple people… I... think I understand… I don't know everything, but I understand… There were lots of people… which did you feel…?"

Markus thought this line of questioning might be counterproductive, but seeing as Ralph was the one in the room who'd spent the most time in a similar state to Simon's, he trusted that Ralph might know best how to help.

"Chains… except other one was let go… the lady… I felt it--felt her… I-I--"

"Easy, Si… Look at me… Where are you? Where are you right now…?" Simon swallowed back the non-existent thirium rising in this throat.

"...New Jericho…? New Jericho, right…? I see both… I've been seeing both…"

"Yes, Simon, you're here with me at New Jericho. I've got you. You're with me."

"...with you…" Simon repeated. "... But, Ralph… not all… also carousel… everyone… voices… values… don't want to be judged… not-- not-- not--"

"Simon, I showed you just a few hours ago… the world is a different place now. People know things they didn't know before… I… I understand why you wouldn't believe me telling you, but try to believe everything I've shown you. You know that memories don't lie… and I know you know that, because you've managed to keep your stress level below 96% this whole time, despite everything..."

"...I… know it…? ...I guess I do… And… and I… didn't know it until the memories… not before… not when it happened... Thank you… thank you, Markus… I'm sorry for making you… for… for being… how did they get there…? In the movie…?"

"It doesn't matter, Si. It's just a movie… and please don't be sorry… it's not your fault. It's never been your fault…"

"...not yours either… I'm… I'm calmer… better… I'm better… Can you stand…? I hope I haven't worried the others too much…"

“Yeah… And don’t worry, Simon. I’m the one who started this whole mess anyway… How about you…?”

“Give me a minute… I’ve been keeping myself just under 96%, but getting any lower than that is… difficult… Luther, you and Ralph can tell Alice and Kara that everything’s okay, and we’ll be back over soon… Sorry for interrupting your meal…”

“It’s no problem, Simon. You two sure you’ve got things under control here?”

Markus nodded.

“Yeah… I just lost it for a minute, but Simon helped me… Now I can help him… I’ve heard it said that people work best together when they take turns losing it, instead of all at once. I went first, then I guess it was his turn… Sound logic…”

“Sound logic indeed…” Luther laughed, leading Ralph back to the dining room. Seeing that the two had gone out of earshot, Markus turned to Simon.

‘You okay…? It’s understandable if you’re not… I’m really sorry I let you access that…’

‘...I’m fine…? ...fine… I’ve seen it all before, just… not like that… New ways… The traps are clever, I suppose… I hadn’t thought of things going like that, so... good on those writers?’

‘It was a manifestation of my regrets brought on by the thought of the movie... Nothing more, Si. You know that, right…?’

‘...yeah… I… I do... It was just… Hearing the voices against the people in the traps… I felt the hesitation and regret and everything, but I couldn’t stop myself from making the decisions made in the movie. And… I’m not sure I would have… That scares me too… That I would have… Not to you… To the me’s… The me’s that succumbed… Because the arguments were… compelling… People think like that… When they look at me, I mean… I know people look at one another and ascribe values to their lives. Without even thinking, it’s something that just happens. I… I don’t like that… I can’t escape my value… I can’t escape the eyes… I…’

‘Shhh... Calm down, Si. You’re wrong. People don’t do that. It’s a horror movie. It was supposed to be painful to watch. Something so incredibly awful that the very idea is viscerally repulsive. You saw how I based my decision. I did everything because of your value, not in spite of it. Because you can’t value one life over another. All lives are invaluable. To be protected at all costs.That includes yours. Although, being realistic, I must admit, I do feel more strongly towards you than others…’

‘...I know… thank you for showing it to me… I’ve been clinging to the memory… It’s helped keep me here… Recalling it… Replaying it on loop… Help me up…?’

Markus nodded, and rose, holding out a hand to Simon.

‘Thank you…’

Simon took Markus’ hand, and helped him up, keeping his hand in his own as they walked back. Though he could stand, Simon was still trembling, keeping below 93%, but only barely. Markus removed his hand from Simon’s causing Simon to tense slightly, unsure of what to make of the sudden loss of contact. He watched curiously as Markus off his coat, draping it around Simon’s shoulders, before taking up Simon’s hand again.


	49. Party Crasher

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> North drops in for a bit.

Simon’s face burned blue, even less sure how to react to the jacket around him, as they approached the table.

“Simon, Uncle Markus, What happened? Uncle Markus looked like he couldn’t walk and then I heard something really loud…”

Markus looked at Simon uneasily, unsure of how to respond in a way that he would be comfortable with.

“Last week… I… told Uncle Markus about something scary that happened on my… vacation… And then when he remembered that scary movie… it reminded him of the scary thing I told him and made him feel bad… He told me why the movie scared him, and then I… got scared and fell. That was the loud noise. But we’re not scared anymore, so everything’s fine, Alice.”

Alice nodded.

“I understand… It’s good not to be scared. That doesn’t sound like a fun vacation at all… Maybe next time, you should go to Disney too!”

Markus nodded.

“That sounds like a wonderful idea! And yeah… Si won’t be going back there any time soon, so Disney would certainly be a fun change of scene…”

“Oooh! I can tell you all my favorite rides and the best places to meet princesses and the funniest things to see at that silly Star Wars exhibit! Apparently people used to think androids would look like garbage cans and talk all like ‘beep boop beep bop’!”

“Well, not too far off, kid, because ‘Uncle Markus', his boyfriend, and his new feral pet could certainly all be considered trash!”

Kara covered Alice’s ears, glaring at North, who had carelessly entered the room, while Ralph, finally understanding how she saw him, just looked down in shame.

“North! Unacceptable! Ralph is a person just like you, and none of us deserve to be described in such a hateful tone! If you can’t think of our feelings, at the very least think of what an example you’re setting for Alice!”

“The kid already wants to be a princess. She’s a lost cause, Markus…" North turned her attention to Luther, rather impressed. "Woah! That guy really is huge. What’s your model, dude? Hey! Do you think if I got my hands on a battle axe you could--!”

“North! Leave! You’re ruining our dinner!”

“Dinner’s already been ruined before I got here. I heard the crash from my room. So which was it? You, Stripes, or the Thing?”

Stripes… As in broken. Streaked with blue, torn to pieces, in every sense of the word. A mess. And there were six people at the table, North standing by, looking on…

Simon was getting dizzy… Was the room spinning?

He needed it to stop!

It was just like that scene from the movie.

_He couldn’t let the table keep spinning! _

Trembling more terribly, Simon grabbed the table, digging his fingers into the wood enough to form small indentations in it. The joints in his hands were aching from the strain, but he kept his hold, as the dining room began to flicker away, shifting into a horrid amalgamation of the rooftop and the carousel from the movie. He wasn’t even aware enough of his surroundings to keep himself from crying out.

“M-markus don’t--” Markus quickly covered Simon’s mouth, pulling the frightened deviant away from the table.

“Stripes it is, then… Shit, it's bad this time… The hell set him off now?”

Ralph excused himself from the table and approached North, focusing carefully to ensure he articulated his thoughts properly.

“North… You need to leave… Now! ...We... were happy here… ...I-I-I… want you to be happy too... But you cannot hurt R--my family… Join us and be nice, or get out of here now!”

“Welp, Markus, gotta give you some credit; you two really did a number on it! Almost sounds like a real person now. And it didn’t even--”

“Don’t talk about him like that! His name is Ralph and he's done nothing that would call for you to treat him with such disrespect!”

Ralph was as surprised as North to hear Kara speak in his defense.

“Wow… Okay then… You enjoy… whatever this is, and I’ll be in my room where the world actually makes sense…”

North walked out of the room, feigning an air of callousness to hide her pity for Kara and for Luther. She had read about Kara in the paper, and could tell just by looking at him that Luther was strong and capable. The two were weighed down by their attachments.

How much easier would it have been to gain their freedom without the kid? How much easier would it be to maintain their freedom without Ralph? Markus had already been crippled by his attachment to Simon.

To her this dinner wasn’t any more of a celebration than a funeral would have been. She had come to interrupt it, really because she couldn’t bear to have such a morbid occasion so close to her room.

“Simon… Simon! Look at me… Can you see me...? I’m sorry I had to cut you off like that, but I knew you wouldn’t have wanted them to hear the rest…”

“I-I-I hear them... The voices… The ones that weren’t me… p-please make them stop! …whatever happens, make it happen now! I-I can’t handle the voices anymore! I don’t want you to think! I don’t want the eyes! The eyes, the voices, the thoughts! They’re breaking me apart! I’m drowning!”

“Simon, slow down. Those voices weren’t real. They were from the movie. No one is looking at you, and all I’m thinking is that I am furious at North for speaking so abhorrently, and that I want you to calm down and feel safe and enjoy the rest of the night with us.”

“...lying! Y-you’re you’re lying! I-I know! She saw me! She said… She said… If she says… then the voices are real-- Were real... Drowning-- Drown-ed! And-- and-- and even if you don’t think you think, I know you-- you think that… Because he… the man in the movie, he still… he still was able to--it hurts! It hurts and I can’t take it! Just let me go!”

“I won’t let you go. I’ll never let you go. The man in the movie was a man in a movie. I’m real. You’re real. We’re here, with people who care about us. The only eyes in this room are eyes that see you. They see Simon. Not the blue scars, but the blue eyes, the soft smile, the welcoming presence, the real you. Please, try to understand that for me. Even if just a little…”

“I-I’m about to reach 96%. Power me down! I… I can’t handle the thirium… Hold me and wake me in a moment… Please… please don’t leave me…”

“I’ve got you, Si… Take a moment to rest…” Markus agreed, as Simon allowed himself to enter sleep mode, relaxing, unconscious in Markus’ arms.

Confused and a little frightened, Alice came over to Markus, and tugged on his sleeve.

“Uncle Markus, what just happened? That lady… North… Why did she say those mean things…? Why doesn’t she like Simon and Uncle Ralph? And is Simon okay? He was talking all weird before he closed his eyes and stopped moving.”

“Some people say mean things sometimes… North is one of those people… She tends to say lots of mean things, actually… And she does like Simon and Uncle Ralph, but she… thinks about the world in a weird way… And that weird way means that she thinks she should act like she doesn’t like them. As for Simon, he’ll be fine… He just… hmm... How should I put this…? He... gets scared easily… And he gets really scared when people talk like that. So to stop being scared, he went into sleep mode. Don’t pay attention to anything North said. She’s wrong about most things.”

Alice nodded.

“That makes sense. It isn’t nice to treat people like that. Uncle Ralph was crying… But Mommy and Luther seem to know what to do. I’m glad I’ll get to become an adult now. That way, I’ll know what to do too.”

“You’re a good kid, Al, you know that? A really awesome kid.”

Alice smiled wide enough to showcase the fresh gap in her front teeth.

“Thanks!”

Ralph, Kara, and Luther came over.

“How’s Simon…?” Kara asked, placing a loving hand on Alice’s head.

“He’ll be fine. He’s sensitive about his ‘stripes’ and the ‘vacation’ he just got back from… He panicked hearing her mention it all in such-- Ugh! I am so sorry about that! I told her not to come unless she’d behave, but-- And Ralph...That was really great of you to try and talk her down like that… She didn’t mean it… What she said, I mean. She just… has a messed up world view that makes her feel justified in being… awful… But that’s all it was… Awful…”

Ralph smiled sadly at Markus.

“Ral--I understand why she sees me that way… It… hurts my heart, but… I won’t let her hurt my family… That’s what families do, right?”

“She has no reason to see you that way. And yeah. Families take care of each other. You’re a natural at it… I’m going to wake Simon now… As awful as that was, from what I’ve seen with Alice, no dinner can’t be salvaged with cookies…”

“Oh! Little girls eat those too, right? I remember that now…”

Luther bent down, playfully poking Alice. “Little girls eat way too many of those! Isn’t that right, Al?”

“Nope! No such thing as too many cookies! And since you can’t eat them, I can have them all to myself! ...Hey, Uncle Markus! Can I wake Simon? I have an idea! A really super cool idea!”

“How could I say no to that face…? Just be gentle with him, kiddo.”

Kara and Luther exchanged knowing looks, before Alice began to chant lyrics to some sort of song unfamiliar to Markus and Ralph, while softly shaking Simon awake. Simon’s eyes fluttered open, fairly confused as to what was going on, while Alice ran back to Kara beaming.

“I did it! Did you see that, Mom? I did it! Just like on the tv! I did the magic thing-y!”

Simon sat himself up, not yet remembering Alice or Kara, but, glad to contribute to the child’s happiness, he ran the lyrics through in his mind before announcing.

“Rapunzel’s Healing Incantation?”

“Mom! He knows it too! So cool! Uncle Markus, you really should make him your boyfriend! He’s the coolest!”

Simon blushed, incredibly flustered for a moment, before registering what had happened.

“I… think I passed out… Sorry… I hope I didn’t ruin your dinner…”

Simon stumbled to his feet. Alice shook her head vehemently.

“You didn’t! Uncle Markus promised me cookies!”

Simon turned to Markus, who just smiled back.

“I see… Well I bet you hate chocolate chips, and that’s all we have, so maybe we’ll have to feed them to the birds outside and give you broccoli instead…”

“Chocolate chips are my favorite! And Uncle Markus says you know how to bake really well! You know that you don’t put broccoli in cookies!”

“I think broccoli cookies would be a great way to make nutrition appealing to children…” Luther objected.

“Well yeah, but you can’t taste ‘em! I don’t want broccoli cookies!”

“Fine, Alice. Then I guess we’ll save the broccoli cookies for some other little girl…” Markus shot back, leading the party to the kitchen, where he took out a batch of cookies from the pantry.

“I got these from the bakery down the block, but maybe next time, if you ask really nicely, Simon can bake you some cookies, and maybe even let you bake them with him.”

“Oooh! Could you please show me how to bake cookies, Simon? That would be so fun!”

Simon nodded graciously.

“Sounds like a plan, Alice. Maybe I can even show you how to decorate them too. Come to think of it, I bet Uncle Markus could paint some beautiful pictures onto the cookies with frosting...”

“Painting on cookies… How have I not already thought of that? RA9, you always help me come up with the best ideas.”

Alice ate the cookies gleefully, trying to stifle a yawn so Luther wouldn’t notice it had gotten past her bedtime. But Luther pointed a finger in her direction.

“I saw that! Wait a minute, Al… It’s 9:58! You should be asleep, young lady! Markus, Simon, thank you for the lovely dinner, but it’s time we oughta call it a night…”

“No problem. You all are welcome any time… This was really nice…”

“Yes, thank you both… So Ralph… would you like to come with us tonight…?” Kara asked, leading Alice towards the door.

Ralph looked back at her, nodding slowly, before turning to Simon and Markus, unsure of what to say.

“You… you gave R--me my life back... I can’t thank you enough… All of you… You… make me think Ralph is… I am a person… Thank you so much for helping me learn to be alive…” Ralph stood awkwardly, still feeling as though there was so much more to say. “I… don’t know what to say… Can I… I don’t know if it’s something people do, but… Can I hug you...? Sorry if that’s--”

Simon pulled Ralph into a hearty embrace, patting his back fondly.

“You’re amazing, Ralph. Be happy, and never forget that, okay?”

“T-thank you…”

Simon let Ralph go, and Ralph tried his best not to cry as he approached Markus’ open arms.

“You’re awake… but this was more than that, though. You’re… full… You’re the fullest Ralph. Enjoy it, and know that, as family, you’re always welcome back here any time.”

Alice tugged on Ralph’s cloak.

“C’mon Uncle Ralph! If it gets too late, Mom won’t let me show you your new room! And I really wanted to be the one to show it to you!”

“Alright, Alice… Thanks again…” Ralph whispered, before following Kara, Luther, and Alice to the autonomous car outside that would take him to his new life, somewhat anxious, yet incredibly happy.


	50. Schrodinger's Android

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon finds out that since his return, he's been both dead and alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This update is going to reference Saw 6 a bit more, so if there's something you don't understand, or if you want the full effect of the fic, you might want to check out the Wikipedia summary of it.

As the car drove away, Markus closed the door, and Simon stumbled to the couch, unsure of how to feel.

“We… did a good thing… He’s happy… You were right… A family… God, Markus... They wanted him… You called them, didn’t you? Kara knew him somehow. Somehow from his past. And you knew she knew him so you called her and… she came! How did you know she would come?!? I… Wow… It’s… unbelievable… It’s wonderful… It’s terrifying… It’s… so much…”

“Nothing terrifying about it… Seeing Alice again was nice… Every time I see her, she grows closer and closer to her age. Poor girl had to grow up too fast before Kara and Luther took her in as their own. It’s really sweet… They’ll be happy, Simon. All of them…”

“I… I know that… And awful as it is to think… that’s what scares me… Stripes, Thing Blue, whatever else the others call me that I don’t know about… When they see everyone like Ralph can become so full, become themselves again, but I can’t outgrow these… stripes… There were six people at the table when North arrived, Markus. Six. And then in my mind, it began to spin… I… I knew… And I didn’t want for anyone else, but… Markus… Please understand--I know it sounds awful. It is awful but--”

“That’s not awful, Simon. I understand how you feel. Don’t forget, what you saw was my own memory. They were all you… So I understand why you were so afraid, and I know that you wouldn’t want the same harm to come to anyone else…”

“But you don’t understand! I… It already happened to me once, and now I’m here… I’m like this. If I have to go through that again… I don’t know how I’ll be, where I’ll be, or what I’ll do… I just don’t know… But I know it won’t be good… How do you measure a life like in the movie? The value of a life, I mean… And how much have I lost…? Because I don’t think I… I don’t think I can get it back...”

“Simon, your life still matters as much as it did before. No matter how you feel, you’ll always be Simon. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you all along…”

“...I don’t like the idea of measuring life…” Simon’s voice was small as he spoke the simple thought aloud.

“Neither do I. It’s a stupid idea. So please, don’t compare your progress or your life to his or anyone else’s… And don’t let North make you think that you should. Nobody here thought she was right. Hell, even Ralph stood up to her. That was amazing… We didn’t ‘make him human’, but I think you really helped him recover enough for the real him to shine through. Like he was always awake, always alive, but he wouldn’t have the quality of life he will now if not for you…”

“...thank you… Maybe we should check on the progress of the repair center…”

“That sounds like a good idea… I’ve been ignoring messages from the governor and a few news outlets all night… I think we’ve gotten approval for government funding, and I honestly don’t want to know how the press already knows or why they’re contacting me…”

“Wait, what? Answer them! You can’t ignore the freaking governor, Markus! What do the messages say…?”

Markus’ led went yellow as he replied to the governor’s message and read the half a dozen messages from the media. 

“Well, shit... I screwed up… I screwed up really badly...”

Markus sounded more guilty than embarrassed, and appeared to be almost apologizing to Simon in a way that made him uneasy. As though somehow Simon had a personal investment, a stake in this. He wondered if it was because Markus really did see him as broken, despite his insistence that that wasn't the case.

“You don’t need to sound like you’re apologizing… at least, not to me, anyway…”

“...yeah… actually, I do…”

Simon tensed, getting up from the couch and stepping back from Markus suspiciously.

“W-what do you mean…?”

Markus forced himself to meet Simon’s eyes as he explained.

“On the forms I filled out for purchasing the rights to the land for the building I had to write its purpose and a list of people who would be supervising the project… Naturally, I wrote ‘New Jericho Android-Run Intensive Repair Center’ for the purpose, and I wrote both our names down as supervisors--after all, you’ve played a key role in the whole process… Well, some asshole must have leaked it to the press, and now every media outlet in Detroit wants to do a press conference with us, live at the grand opening of the damn thing! I should have expected that… Nothing is ever a secret anymore…”

“...I don’t understand… why are you apologizing to me…?”

Simon stepped in closer, now more confused than upset.

“You were never forgotten, Simon. Even while you were gone, I made it clear of your contributions to our cause… When you came back, knowing how you preferred a quieter lifestyle, and having caught on to the fact that there was something heavy weighing on your mind, I kept it from the media that you had made it back… Between that and this supposedly groundbreaking creation of such a large scale repair center, every message is asking for you to be there for the interviews too…”

Simon closed his eyes, trying to process this new information.

“Be there for the interviews…? Like at some sort of nationally broadcasted press conference in front of the Repair Center… I’ve… seen those on the television… Where you talk in front of those crowds…" 

Simon hesitated for a moment, gathering the courage to articulate what he was thinking.

"...Markus…? ...until this week, I haven’t interacted with a single stranger since I got back, and even this week, all of the strangers I've met have been androids with whom you were already close…”

“I know; I’m the one who assigns the missions. I’d been purposely assigning you milder tasks close to New Jericho until I could touch base with you about everything, so that you wouldn’t be forced to do anything that might cause you discomfort or have to request any such accommodations in front of the others… I've been worried about you all month, Si… I knew something had happened, I just didn’t know what until I finally snapped and took your memory…”

Simon found his way back onto the couch again.

“I… I don’t know… I don’t… I…”

He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t confront all those people, all those humans… Humans who might have played a role in... But he couldn’t tell Markus either… He couldn’t show how worthless he really-- 

“M-mar--” Simon bit into his fist to prevent the words from falling out again.

“It’s okay, Si. I’ll come up with a reason why you can’t be there. Just give me some time to think about it… I’m just sorry I caused this whole mess in the first place… The last message I was ignoring was from the on-site construction supervisor. He said they should be done in two days, and ready to open in three, which means I’ll have three days to find a way around this.”

“...No…” Simon seemed almost as surprised at his refusal as Markus. “...I… I don’t want to… but I think I should-- I think I need to do this…”

“Simon, you don’t need to do anything, especially anything that you don’t feel comfortable doing…”

“No… I need to be an asset to the team… I… Until today I was dead… well, at least to the world, anyway… It’s overdue that I force myself to do something to show that I’m not… If I hide… If I hide now that it’s known I came back alive… Then that empty chair at the press conference will be a display to the world that… that I was broken... That I came back alive, but… Wrong… That I came back wrong… As much as I don’t like it… I have to go… It’ll be worse for everyone, especially me, if I don’t… RA9… I… I was not prepared for this… Not so soon…”

“Simon, you’re not broken or wrong, but I understand if you feel a sort of symbolic value to your presence… I’m sorry. I hadn’t anticipated this either… I guess our new mission for the next three days will be to plan and prepare. I’ll make sure you’re as ready as possible once it’s time…”

“...thanks… Could you tell the others…? I… I don’t even know what to tell them… And I don’t want to know how they’ll respond…”

“Of course… This is my fault in the first place. And I’m sure they’ll respond just fine. North should know better than to piss me off any more in one night, and Josh understands these things to be a necessary evil of progress…”

“Not the press conference. My involvement, I meant.”

“Oh. I don’t see why they’d have a problem with that…” Markus replied, oblivious to what Simon was implying. 


	51. Change of Plans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New Jericho adjusts accordingly.

‘Hey, North, Josh… Long story, but umm… I might have fucked up and now we have a national press conference in three days where they want Simon and I to speak about the Repair Center once it opens… And by might have, I mean did. I definitely did...’

‘Are you fucking braindead?!? Even if you were in a state to speak in public this week, which you’re definitely not, you want Simon-- the guy who nearly self-destructs at his own thirium-drenched shadow-- to speak live before any asshole in this country who owns a damn television and a huge in-person crowd full of humans!’

‘I don’t want it any more than you do, North. I detest the idea, personally, but everyone is requesting him to speak as well, and he doesn’t think he can turn it down…’

‘Okay, slow down… Why do they want him specifically? I feel like there’s something I’m not getting…’

Markus was pleasantly surprised that Josh hadn’t picked a fight with North, or that she hadn’t objected to his interjection.

‘I… never made it public that he’s actually still alive… And the media found out about the center from the form I submitted to buy the land… which I stupidly put his name on too... It was a dumb spur-of-the-moment type thing… I just felt helpless and wanted to do something immediately, so I didn’t think when I rushed through all the paperwork…’

‘You dumbass! This is going to be a disaster! He’ll go up on stage, his blue skin like a neon target for the entire android community, and then fucking collapse again to show that despite the revolution, we’re all just wilting flowers to be branded with bright blue bullseyes across our skin! It’ll only embolden the humans, and make us have to fight that much harder to show we won’t submit! Worse yet, it’ll send a message to other deviants that resistance isn’t worth the trouble… Not if it makes you a shell of the person you once were… I will not have that, Markus!’

‘You’re right, because Simon is not some branded flower or a shell of who he used to be. And I will not have you imply anything like that again! Especially not when I’m pissed enough for several lifetimes over the stunt you pulled tonight!’

‘What stunt? North, what did you do tonight? Did you hurt the kid?!?’

‘Shut up Josh! I didn’t touch anyone. Just made the freak cry and Simon fall a bit. Oh, and I offered Luther a battleaxe, but he seemed less than thrilled with the idea… It really just started when I called Simon, Ralph and Markus trash… The guests didn’t seem to like that...’

‘What is wrong with you, North?!? What on Earth would possess you to do something like that?!? Wait… Where would you even get a battleaxe?!?! Do you have a battleaxe?!?’

‘I’d get it the same place as the katana: None of your damn business! But I know I can easily store ‘em both up your--’

‘Stop it! Look, I just wanted you both to know that our next mission until then is to prepare for the conference. Also, I wanted to reiterate that it's imperative that you actually consider what you say from now on because we don’t have time to waste with you carelessly terrifying Simon. Not that you should be doing that even if we had time to waste, but maybe at least, with such a strict deadline, you’ll actually think before you act… I’m going to bed… Don’t kill each other while I’m in sleep mode?’

‘Don’t worry about that...I don’t think she can kill me, Markus. After all, apparently my backside is resistant to a fair assortment of melee weapons…’

‘Yeah, and he’s not worth dulling the blade of my sword…’

Markus rolled his eyes, getting off the chat. 

“W-what did they say, Markus…?” Simon anxiously fidgeted beside him.

“That apparently Josh’s backside is resistant to a fair assortment of melee weapons…” Markus forced himself to keep a straight face for the best comedic effect.

Simon’s expression relaxed considerably.

“North threatened to shove her sword up his ass?”

“Pretty much… Kinda sad how they’ve gotten that predictable…”

“But what did they say about the conference…?”

“They were surprised at first, but there really wasn’t anything to say… It’s happening, so there’s nothing they can do...”

“...wanna watch some dog videos…?”

Markus’ led blipped yellow.

“I’ll one-up you on that… Let’s have a real dog over at New Jericho tomorrow!”

“A real dog? Where would you get a dog from?”

“I could message Connor to drop by and hang out for a bit with Sumo and Hank. You could get practice interacting with a human in a relaxed setting and also get to pet a dog while you’re at it. Kill two birds with one stone.”

Simon paused, trying to evaluate any potential risks.

“But just the three of them…? And just here at New Jericho...?” 

“Yeah. We can have ‘em over for lunch. It could be a good first step. I know it’s Connor’s day off, and since Hank’s his partner, I’m assuming it’s his day off too.”

“...wait… partner? So this human… he works for the DPD too…?” Simon couldn’t keep the uneasiness from his voice.

“Yeah, but he’s a good guy. He was actually on our side even before Connor. Apparently Connor had a clear shot at me once during the revolution, and I had absolutely no idea, but Hank talked him down from pulling the trigger. He was the one to help Connor deviate and come with Connor to free the androids at the Cyberlife facility that helped us win the revolution, and he took Connor in as a son. Simon… I know what happened, but the DPD helps deviants and humans alike now. There’s no need to be afraid of them…”

Simon just nodded back.

“Think we should get ready for bed? We can watch dog videos for a bit, but I think that with our plans for the rest of the week, we should probably enter sleep mode early tonight…”

Simon relaxed slightly.

“Probably… Hey, is North’s projector still in the repair wing? We can put the videos on the wall like a movie.”

“Puppy Movie Night! Yes!!! Let’s do it!”

Simon followed Markus to the repair wing to retrieve the projector, and they returned with it to Simon’s room.

“Here. A two-hour sleepy puppy playlist. This should be fun!”

Markus smiled, setting up the projector before hopping into bed. Simon leaned into Markus, and after only three videos of puppies fighting sleep, fell into sleep mode himself, having been exhausted from the long day.

Seeing that Simon had entered sleep mode, Markus turned off the projector and messaged Connor.

‘Hey Connor. Wanna drop by New Jericho tomorrow? Nothing serious, but I thought it’s be cool if you could bring Sumo and Hank over for lunch. I’m sure by now you’ve heard about that conference coming up… They want Simon to speak, so I figured it could be nice for him to practice here with some casual fun conversation with you three. He’ll likely feel safer talking to a human we know and trust, under the protection of New Jericho, and it’s always fun to have you and Sumo around… We’ve got food here, so no need to bring your own. We can even just watch some basketball or mess around on the piano or whatever…’

‘Y-yes! Of course… I’ll tell him as soon as I--’

‘Relax, Connor, it’s okay if either of you can’t or don’t want to. Like I said, nothing serious. It’s practical, yes, but the purpose of it would just be for fun. You don’t need to feel obligated to come over, or to do anything, for that matter. Simon and I have accumulated quite the collection of puppy videos to share with you, though, so I hope you'll come over to see them some time or another…’

‘Okay… Sorry… I just wanted to do everything I can to… But yes, that does sound fun. Plus, I think it would be beneficial for Hank to have a meal that doesn’t consist of 80% of the recommended daily fat intake for humans. Humans are so fragile, and yet so stubborn when it comes to maintaining themselves.’

‘Yeah, Carl was the same way. Heh. His medicine of choice?’

‘Alcohol’ They both answered at once.

‘Hank’s too. But since the revolution he’s been clean, so that’s cause for celebration. Obviously not with more alcohol, but…’

‘Of course… This should be fun. We can celebrate in less destructive ways tomorrow if you want. If you’re both down for it, maybe drop by at noon?’

‘Sounds like a plan. I’ll see you then… Thank you… for wanting to ‘have fun’ with me...’

‘Don’t thank me. You’re a good guy, Connor. And you’re always welcome here, you know, even unannounced.’

‘I believe that such an invitation, while well-intentioned, could prove detrimental to my structural integrity if North were to find me there unexpected…’

‘Fair enough, although, in your defence, she nearly did the same to little Alice when she, Luther, and Kara came over the other day.’

‘The child? Poor girl! She must have been terrified…’

‘Well, yeah, it definitely put a bit of a damper on our dinner party, but it all ended well. Ralph went home with them. They’ll be happy together. So anyway, I’ll see you later. I’m going to enter sleep mode now.’

‘Yes. I might do that too, actually. Good night, Markus.’

‘Gnite, Connor…’

Markus closed his eyes and manually sent himself into sleep mode as soon as he finished sending the last message.


	52. Change of Course

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon falls ill before the conference, and is brought to an amusement ride.

> _ Simon woke up in an autonomous car, Markus sitting beside him. _
> 
> _“Markus… What happened…? How did we get here…?” _
> 
> _“After you entered sleep mode three nights ago, I realized you might actually be in a better state for today if you didn’t have two full days to worry about everything. I asked you if maybe you’d like to sleep until now, and you agreed, so since then, we’ve kept you in sleep mode…” _
> 
> _Simon tensed. _
> 
> _“...three nights ago…? I’ve been asleep for over two whole days?!?! W-wait… Today… Today is… The conference! RA9, Markus! I shouldn’t have agreed to that! I-I’m not ready! I don’t know what I’m going to do!! I-I can’t--” _
> 
> _Markus smiled reassuringly. _
> 
> _“There’s nothing to be ready for. Nothing to know. You’ll be fine, Si… And we’re almost there… You’ll just talk to people-- nothing too difficult; you'll just be your charismatic self, then we’ll check out the Repair Center for a bit, and head back to New Jericho.” _
> 
> _The autonomous car stopped. _
> 
> _“What? That’s odd… We’re two blocks away from the Center… Why has the car…? Oh. The road’s closed. I guess they’re expecting a crowd. Probably should’ve expected they’d reroute traffic around the area. Hey Si, let’s get out here.” _
> 
> _“H-here…? And… we’ll walk to the Center…? I’m not sure… I’m not sure I can... I see people, Markus… Humans… I-I don’t know if--” _
> 
> _“I know you can walk this short bit. Nothing’s going to hurt you here, so there’s no need to worry. Here, let me get the door…” _
> 
> _Markus left the car and went around to help Simon out too, and, seeing Simon on his feet, turned to look around. People seemed to be coming their way, approaching the Center. _
> 
> _It was nice how excited everyone was about this. It was so wonderful how so shortly after such cruelty towards androids, now humans-- _
> 
> _The sound of metal clattering against concrete caught the attention of both Markus, and everyone around him… Markus turned around to find Simon on the ground, shaking in fear. _
> 
> _ “M-markus…” Simon whimpered. _
> 
> _“It’s okay, Simon. Everything--” _
> 
> _“t-the the people… Look closer… so many…” _
> 
> _Nearly every other person that walked by carried some sort of poster at their side, nothing unusual for such an event. But upon closer inspection, Markus now saw that most of these posters depicted dismembered androids, graphic imagery, some of which wasn’t even drawn onto the posters but instead actual photographs pasted on. _ _Such hateful slogans accompanied the images. _
> 
> _And now each poster had turned towards them. _
> 
> _Simon had said his name, and that had caught the attention of the protestors. Markus looked around, Simon leaning limp against the side of the car as shouting protesters began to close in on them. _
> 
> _“Simon, we’ve gotta go! We need to make it to the Repair Center… If the android community finds out we were deterred by a bunch of angry humans, it’ll be chaos; no one will ever feel safe! Please get up for me…” _
> 
> _“I-I can’t, Markus... I can’t move… I’m trying, but my stress response is too strong… I… I can’t…” _
> 
> _Markus looked back at Simon with an expression that made him shudder. Simon couldn’t tell if it was sadness or the disappointed realization that he truly was just a pathetic useless shell of a life. _
> 
> _He could easily identify the look that followed, though, a look so horrifying, it made the first seem pleasant by comparison. The pained resolve behind those mismatched eyes, as Simon laid there paralyzed, before Markus turned his back to him. _
> 
> _“I’m sorry, Simon…” _
> 
> _“M-markus don’t leave me!” Simon cried, but the only remnants of Markus were the trenchcoat and his led he’d shed so he could pass for human and blend in with the crowd. _
> 
> _ “Hey! That’s the PL600 from the news! Piece of shit created that machine refuge that cost us the war!” _
> 
> _“Damn thing got away once, but it looks broken now! Hey, PL600, get up! Look at humans when they're talking to you!” _
> 
> _One protestor picked Simon up by the jaw, dangling his body above the ground. But Simon was too afraid to look. _
> 
> _He kept his eyes closed as tears ran down his face. He knew he was broken, useless, a piece of shit as that human so crassly put it… He knew that Markus would wisen up and leave him behind again. He’d be alone again, and RA9 knew what they were going to do to him this time… _
> 
> _He needed to go back to the nights of puppy videos, warm and safe where Markus made him feel loved. But he wasn’t loved. Love was just a word, when spoken to him. Because he was worthless, undeserving of love. _
> 
> _“...p-please don’t hurt me…” _
> 
> _The fingers pressed more painfully into Simon’s jaw, but a human replied. _
> 
> _“Oh, don’t worry. We’re not going to hurt you…” _
> 
> _With that terrifying sing-songy voice, and the implications of the emphasis placed on the word ‘we’ rattling around in his head, Simon could feel something press against his led and he was sent into sleep mode again. _
> 
> _Simon woke up slowly, fairly disoriented. Had he just dreamt it all? _
> 
> _He rubbed his eyes, still reeling from the vivid nightmare. But when he opened his eyes, there was still only darkness. _
> 
> _Extremely concerned, Simon tried to call for Markus, but only a sharp mechanical sound came out, coupled with the sizzling of what he assumed to be broken wires sparking as they were licked by the thirium he could now feel bubbling up his throat and… onto his chest… He collapsed again… _
> 
> _ He… He had never been repaired after all? But then who woke him at the DPD now, and why? How could he have remembered so much time, and it all have just been fake…? _
> 
> _Suddenly the too-familiar pain hit him, and he screamed in agony, a terrible distorted static noise. Maybe he could tell Markus where he was via messaging… He knew it was the DPD, now, so maybe… _
> 
> _“Hehe… The thing’s woken up… So, Markus, the game’s begun…” _
> 
> _No… He wasn’t at the DPD, because that was the voice he remembered last before he woke up. The human who had sent him into sleep mode. Wait… Markus?!?! They got Markus too! And it was probably his fault. Markus might have had a better chance at getting away if he hadn’t stalled to deal with Simon. _
> 
> _‘Markus, I’m sorry...’ Simon messaged. _
> 
> _‘Don’t listen to them… They took my memory and… they’re going to do something bad. Don’t listen to their lies... I’ll find a way to get us out of here!’_
> 
> _ ‘Your memory…? What did they take…? W-what are they going to do to us? W-where are we?!?!’ _
> 
> _But before he received an answer, another unfamiliar voice called out. _
> 
> _“Hey, Markus. You know the rules… Five… four… three… two…” _
> 
> _‘I’m so sorry…’ Markus messaged Simon. _
> 
> _“One!” _
> 
> _And suddenly Simon was moving. If his gyroscope was still fully operational, it said he was… No! No! _
> 
> _‘M-markus! Please… please no…! What number am I…? Make me first! I can’t handle--! Can’t wait! I-I don’t want to… Can’t… Can’t take it… Please…’ _
> 
> _But voices drowned out his thoughts. An assortment of voices surrounded him, arguing, begging. _
> 
> _“Markus! Markus please!” _
> 
> _“Markus, save us!” _
> 
> _“Markus, I’m fully functional, I’ve got my whole life ahead of me!” _
> 
> _“I’m fully functional too!” _
> 
> _“We all are, but I’m actually going to do something with my life!” _
> 
> _“No. Not all of us… That one over there can’t even talk! He’s broken, defective, useless. There’s no saving him, and judging by his condition no one will miss him once he’s gone…” _
> 
> _“Yeah! And they said you only need to choose one! Choose him! Put the thing out of its misery and let us free!” _
> 
> _ Tears pouring from his unseeing eyes, as Simon could feel himself moving, only rotating a few inches before pausing before moving again. The rotation felt painfully slow, and with each pause, the voices against him only grew louder. _
> 
> _One pause… Two… Three… Four… Five… _
> 
> _He knew it… _
> 
> _He was number six. _
> 
> _The voices had drowned him, had sealed his fate, and swayed Markus. Unless they didn’t. They might have been echoing what Markus had silently been thinking this whole time-- _
> 
> _Six! The sixth pause... _
> 
> _Simon didn’t want to die... He was in horrible pain, and he wanted everything to stop, but RA9, he didn’t want to die! Death was blackness, nothingness, alone. Everyone would walk away and only remember him as the pile of broken parts that put them through this whole ordeal. _
> 
> _‘I’m alive… Please don’t forget…’ _
> 
> _Simon felt the need to send Markus that one last message. His fate was inevitable, but he needed Markus to know… He didn’t receive a response, and suddenly, he could feel himself turning again… What? He… wasn’t number six…? _
> 
> _‘Markus, how many are there…?’ _
> 
> _‘You don’t want to know… A lot, Si… Just ignore the voices… The humans set this up… But the voices are all just lying… Lying because they’re scared…’ _
> 
> _Simon resisted the urge to message back his suspicion that Markus was also clearly scared, and very likely lying. He needed to know how many there were! And why wouldn’t Markus tell him? Wouldn’t he want to try and relieve Simon’s fear and uncertainty by giving him that information? Now instead, the burn of the voices only grew stronger with each pause, all of which went uneventfully. _
> 
> _...Twenty two… Twenty three… Twenty four… _
> 
> _‘I don’t agree with them, but I have no choice. I’m sorry Simon…’ _
> 
> _No! He knew it… Markus wasn’t going to get them out of here… Markus had lied to him. Markus had been lying to him this whole time. Markus did agree, was going along with the hateful voices! The last words he’d hear from Markus, the last words he’d ever hear at all, all lies... And now, just like that, he was going to d-- _


	53. That Word

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ^w^

Simon woke up beyond terrified, his arms closed tightly around Markus' waist, as he tried to register what had happened.

“What?!? No!! You can’t--you promised!!”

Markus bolted upright, startling Simon off of him, his led flashing red…

“Nightmare…?” Simon asked weakly, fighting his reluctance to test his voice.

Markus turned to Simon, whose led had been cycling a similar shade of red, and nodded.

“Yeah… Sorry… Did I wake you…?”

“...No… I had one too. That damn movie… I was abducted while walking to the conference, and angry humans put me in the carousel trap… I was number twenty four, and when it turned to me, you-- I-It’s fine… We’re okay...”

“R-right… Same here, actually… Different trap, different villain, but same… Only, I fought it… I was giving myself up, but… They didn’t play fair… Both of us were about to… God, Si it felt so real… Like I really could feel something constricting around me...”

“s-sorry… I think that might have been me… I… don’t want to go back to sleep… I… don’t… I don’t know what to do…”

Simon anxiously rubbed the sleep from his face with the heel of his palm.

“Well, you spent a good six hours in sleep mode, so you don’t really need any more. As for what to do, Connor might drop by with Sumo and Hank at noon, so we’ve got a good six hours to do whatever you want.”

“N-no… I mean about the conference… I’m even more terrified than before, now… What if I collapse…? If I collapse and we’re surrounded and… and… and… M-markus don’t--”

Simon’s stress level jumped as he could see it all happening for real…

“Shhh… Simon, if you collapse it’s no big deal. We can have Josh finish answering questions for us, and you and I can go somewhere you’ll feel safer for you to calm down. I can’t imagine why we’d be surrounded, but I assume you've imagined such a scenario, so under the hypothetical that we were surrounded--by people whom you fear will harm us, right?-- I’ll take you to somewhere safe. But there should be lots of people there to act as security, so a threat like that is entirely unlikely, and I’ve done dozens of speaking events like this that passed uneventfully in just the few months since the revolution. If anything it’d be more reasonable to be afraid of being bored into sleep mode at the conference.”

“...y-you… you won’t leave me…? I-if I collapse… If I can’t go on, you won’t leave me…? please… M-maybe if we’re together… Maybe they won’t… maybe you won’t need to… I-I’m sorry. I’m still not entirely awake yet...”

“Simon, I promise I won’t leave you, and I won’t let anyone take you from me… We’ll go there together, be there together, and leave there together…”

“I-if you leave me… d-don’t look at me… please… And and and lie to me… I need you to lie to me so that I don’t spend all that time… No… I’m sorry… It’s just… I could see it happening… Everything still hurts too… But I can talk. I can see. I’m here…”

“You’re here, Si. Whatever you dreamt... It wasn’t real. I’m not going to leave you, and that’s not a lie. I wouldn’t lie to you about something like this.”

“...I need to calm down, Markus… I need to… I just… That was bad…”

“I know… I have an idea. Let me give you something real. This is how these sort of things really happen.”

Markus retracted the skin on his arm, and on Simon’s hand, placing Simon’s bare hand on his arm. He transmitted his memories of several mundane public speaking events to Simon, until he figured Simon would understand, at which point he removed Simon’s hand from his arm, and allowed him to reorient himself. Simon’s eyes returned to blue, and slowly, he sat himself up, nodding.

“...thank you… I… That… does seem more plausible… Not in the sense that nothing bad will happen, but more in the sense that we didn’t wind up in a decades-old B-list horror movie that we’d discussed only a few days beforehand.”

Markus laughed.

“It does sound ridiculous when you put it like that.”

“I don’t doubt that bad things will happen to me, but something so specific seems unrealistic, even to me!”

“Something else seems unrealistic to me too…”

“What, Markus?”

Markus leaned in closer to Simon.

“That either of us will get up before I do this…” Markus kissed Simon softly.

“Well, you were right. Good morning, I guess...”

“Good morning indeed…”

“Should we spend another few hours in sleep mode…? I’m just thinking… I… don’t want to feel like that again… I was… so scared… But, maybe we can hold each other and we’ll somehow know we’re really alright…”

“That would probably be for the best… I love you, Si…”

“I love you too…”

The two got back into bed, and entangled in each other’s arms, they both entered a peaceful sleep mode.

Markus woke up first, a little over two hours later, paradoxically feeling well-rested, but also as though he had never entered sleep mode to begin with. In sleep mode, his mind basically ran through the events of the past twenty four hours prior to his having reentered sleep mode, so it was almost as if he had never fallen back to sleep. Alice’s reaction to the nature of their relationship was particularly striking the second time around.

Maybe he’d ask Simon about it once he woke up. He wasn’t sure by Simon’s reaction how he felt about that sort of thing. With all they had to do in the near future, it certainly wasn’t an immediate priority, but still, it would be good to touch base about… 

Markus smiled as Simon shifted slightly in his sleep. Whatever Simon wanted to call this, he was happy with it. He’d have never expected Simon to come back, and for things to be so… There wasn’t a word for it, really… So much lost yet so much found, with so much hope to not only recover the past but discover a future.

His heart was heavier with what he’d seen in the past few days, but also fuller. He hoped that maybe Simon could learn to see things like that too. He hoped that Simon could see the hope he saw. As if responding to the thought, Simon woke up and smiled at Markus.

“Oh… Hello…”

Markus stifled a laugh.

“Hello to you too… Sleep well this time?”

“I guess so… Definitely woke up well. That I can say for sure… How about you…? You’ve been awake… Did you sleep at all?”

“Yeah. I got up about ten minutes ago, and I’ve just been thinking… Good thinking… In sleep mode, yesterday replayed in my mind and seeing it all again just got me… thinking…”

“Well, that is something you tend to do… What about?” Simon replied, surprisingly calm at the ambiguity in Markus’ explanation.

Markus did say it was ‘good thinking’, whatever that meant, and he seemed happy. Plus, at least for now, they were both here, both safe, both together.

“The look on your face when you fell down with Alice… For one, it was amazing… I never knew that a deviant could get so blue in the face… You seriously looked like all the thirium in your body was running across your cheeks to form the most radiant blush I’d ever seen. It was like in those old-timey movies when people used to get embarrassed enough to pass out... But what I was really thinking about was that your expression was otherwise unreadable. I’m not sure how to interpret it, even upon looking back on it… What you were thinking back there and why it caused your stress level to elevate…”

Simon could feel the warmth of thirium rushing to his cheeks once again, his led cycling tri-colored, although predominantly yellow, as he tried to figure out how to respond to Markus. 

“Your led…? Something’s on your mind… I made you think of something… But why do you feel so conflicted on the subject…?”

“I… just don’t know what to say… You know when you just don’t know the right thing to say… Or well, you know what you want to say, but you don’t know the right way to say it or if it’s even the right thing to say at all. I’m processing the hypothetical lines of conversation and outcomes that would result from any response I can think of… But… I’m not good at that anymore… I’ve always been risk averse. My processors have always seemed to find more negative outcomes to every hypothetical course of action than the processors of other deviants, but since Stratford, I’ve really only been able to see negative possible outcomes. So I don’t know what to say, even though I know I need to know what to say… Because if I say the wrong thing then… I’m not sure… Words have weight. I’m not sure I like words anymore…”

“Simon, there is no wrong thing to say here. I just wanted to know what it is that you’re trying to figure out how to say in whatever words first come to mind. No words are wrong, and no words will lead to any ‘bad’ outcome…”

Simon hesitated, looking to Markus, who was looking back at him encouragingly.

“I… was scared… when Alice said that… because… words scare me... That was a… big word… And… I don’t know how I feel about that word… Markus, even in my dreams… in that nightmare I had a few hours ago… words, words like that one… they hurt me… Except in my nightmare there weren’t any variables like there are in real life… But it still hurt… hurts…? I’m not sure…”

“Just so we’re on the same page… by this ‘big word’ that Alice said… you mean when she asked if you were my ‘boyfriend’...?”

Simon winced, all the more anxious that Markus had understood.

“...so that’s a yes, then… When I told her I wanted to talk to you about that, I was being honest. I wanted to later, though, once we had less going on and once you had better adjusted to everything, obviously, but I guess RA9 had other plans… So if words like that still hurt you and make you afraid, then I’m assuming that’s not a word you’d want to use…?” 

Simon blinked back at Markus, confused.

“I-I’m sorry… I don’t understand…? What… what do you mean?”

Markus frowned.

“See here’s the tricky part. I know _my_ words _do_ matter right now, incredibly so… So I’m trying to be careful with how I ask this… Because I think now that the subject has come up, it needs to be addressed… Please don’t take this the wrong way, and don’t think of any possible outcomes--just how you feel. Do you think… that you’d like… to… use that word… to describe… us? If you don’t that’s fine. If you do, that’s fine. I just think it’s something we should both be on the same page about.”

“...that’s what you’re asking…? I’m just… conflicted about that too. I… wanted that… Maybe I still want that… It’s… a nice word… But I’m just… afraid… Nice words can hurt worse than the most hateful words once you… No… Come to think of it, I think I’m wrong… Not about words hurting, but about how to react to that hurt… I… don’t trust any good thing anymore, so it’s hard… Because this is wonderful… I don’t think I can try to protect myself from this hurt… That might be worse than the hurting… Y-yes… if you feel the same, I would like that… Just please understand that I’m… still… not well… I’m still… afraid… Afraid of almost everything... ”

“I get that… But that’s the thing… You don’t stop caring about someone when they’re not feeling their best. And I know you don’t believe me on that, but it is true. You’ve seen enough of my memory in the past week that some part of you has to know that by now… so… if I’m reading things right, then I’ll be more direct. Si, I think it’d be cool to call this, to call us boyfriends… What do you think…?”

“I… I think I’d like that… Wow… I… I was not expecting this… And I… I’m happy… I’m more happy than afraid, now that you’ve said it out loud… Thank you, Markus…”

Markus shook his head.

“I’m new to this whole boyfriend thing, but somehow I think that you don’t thank someone for wanting to be your boyfriend. It’s not like a gift or anything, just a name for a feeling. You don’t need to thank me for how I feel about you. It’s not even something I’m consciously doing, it just is. Because I just… love you…”

“I… don’t believe this… Not that I don’t believe this, I mean, I know that this is real, but… this is unimaginable… Like this doesn’t feel like something that could ever have happened to me. It’s insane! I mean, it’s amazing, but it’s absolutely insane!”

“Well then, do you want to get up now so we can spend the day being absolutely insane? I figure that despite our amazing insanity, we can still get a lot done today. You still up for it all?”

Simon nodded, smiling that bright-eyed smile Markus had grown familiar with before, only this time, it was larger, as Simon was even less capable of trying to maintain a neutral expression than usual. Markus could see what North meant earlier, that Simon’s entire being seemed to radiate affection, love towards Markus, even as he tried to hide it.

Markus’ heart had never felt so full. 


	54. To Crawl and Survive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> North enjoys some more quality cinema.

Unlike Simon. Markus didn’t try to hide his excitement at this new development in their relationship. It was only a word, a new title attached to it, but somehow he knew the word had a beautiful weight to it.

Oddly enough, he could feel himself imagining the two returning to his old home, Markus dressed like usual, but Simon in a button-down shirt, his hair styled meticulously. He would be beaming, wanting to run down the halls and into the studio, Simon following behind more unsurely, as he announced to Carl that he wanted to introduce him to his new boyfriend.

Simon would try to impress Carl at first, but quickly would relax, and before long, Carl would be embarrassing Markus by regaling stories of dumb things he’d done before his deviancy, like dads on the television seemed to do. The thought didn’t make him sad, this time, though. Even though he knew it was irrational, he felt like somehow, such a level of elation was powerful enough to transcend the mortal realm to wherever Carl had gone off to.

Simon thought Markus was worthy of being his boyfriend. After everything, Simon still thought that. This knowledge was incomprehensible to Markus.

Simon was just as puzzled by the knowledge that Markus, the Markus Manfred, wanted to be with a broken machine like him. Markus’ status as a public figure, and the fact that he was the only android of his model, a one of a kind prototype didn’t intimidate Simon. But Markus’ accomplishments, his strength, his heart, his vision… That was what made Markus so unfathomably perfect. How could someone who could make him feel so strongly be similarly affected by him?

Both lost in thought, neither deviant noticed North watching some horror movie with what appeared to be two injured children arguing over which one their parents would kill. North noticed them, though, and paused the movie, before turning to face them.

“Hey! What are you two so giddy about? It’s disconcerting…”

That caught their attention.The smile fell from Simon’s face as he saw the television screen. A young boy was bleeding from his face, as he and a young girl were both restrained, apparently injured.

“...w-what are you watching…? why--why would you want to watch that…?”

“Keeps me sharp. Did you catch the start of this scene when you walked in? Here… I’ll rewind. This should be good for you two… You’ve--”

Markus pulled Simon away.

“Come on, Si. Let’s go. I scanned the movie and it’s not something for us to watch…”

Anxiously, Simon followed without question.

“Seriously, North?!? Killing of a Sacred Deer? You think that this scene from that movie is something for us to watch?!?” Markus called back over his shoulder as the two went into the kitchen.

“Yeah! It’s something you both should think about. Especially after your little ‘dinner party’ last night!” 

“I literally cannot think of something worse to think about. And you shouldn’t be watching crap like that either! It makes you… like this… Thinking that this would, in any universe, be an acceptable idea to even suggest…”

Markus took Simon into the kitchen, out of earshot of North and her movie, with the intention of occupying him with preparing for Connor and Hank’s arrival to keep them both from thinking about it.

“...Markus…? W-why does she think that movie would be good for us to see...? Something worse to think about…? Those children… Is this like…?”

“Yeah. Different subgenre of movie but the main concept is effectively the same… This scene is toward the end, where shit hits the fan, and I don’t want to watch it, nor do I think you should…”

“...two children… M-markus… they were tied up… they… they looked like they were shouting… at each other... Someone had to choose, right…? They were children, so maybe a parent…? A loved one… I-I can imagine the children’s words… I don’t like it… Why does North like it?!? I-I don’t like that she likes it!”

“Stress Level: 91%^”

“Easy, Si… I think North just… likes two of the characters… Feels empowered and vindicated by them each for different reasons… Not good reasons, but not bad reasons, at least, not as bad as I'm sure you’re thinking… And I think she wants you to be empowered similarly… and for me to understand why she finds it empowering instead of… awful…” That last bit was a believable lie.

But Markus was horribly aware of the true message she’d wanted to send the two…

The girl… The girl who crawled away… She was the survivor… North related to her tenacity and will to live, but she wanted them to see it because-- Without warning, Markus’ legs failed, and he fell into Simon.

“Markus, are you alright?!?”

“...fine… I’m fine… Just… thinking… It’s not a good movie…”

_An eye for an eye… _

North didn’t even know what Markus had seen, why Simon was the way he’d been lately, but it was almost as if she somehow knew it must have happened like this. Her eyes pierced through the guilt in his soul, as if by some dark magic.

_An eye for an eye… _

She wanted them to be that girl… But it was obvious who was most like the girl…

_An eye for an eye… _

And it was obvious who was most like the boy…

“Markus, calm down! Your stress level is rising at an alarming rate… We’re not watching that movie… It’s okay…” 

“I-I… I know… I know, Simon… I just… I don’t think I’ll be able to use my legs for a while… And I don’t want to crawl… It feels detestable… I’m sorry, but could you help me into that chair over there…?”

“Of course…”

Why did Markus’ legs fail now? It seemed rather unreasonable. He wasn’t watching the movie, and he had been successful in deescalating the situation, so why had he only become upset like that now…? He was talking about the characters… why North thought they should see the movie…

“You were lying to protect me, weren’t you…?” Simon spoke softly as he placed Markus into a chair at the kitchen table.

“I-I don’t know what you mean…?” Markus replied unsurely.

He couldn’t tell if Simon was guessing or if he’d somehow figured it out.

“Your legs didn’t fail until you thought about why North thought we should see that movie… It wasn’t really a well-intentioned reason, was it?”

“...no… I’m… skeptical of that now… Particularly that scene… I just didn’t have time to think about it until we got in here… I was too focused on getting away, but then when you asked about it… It’s not that it’s not a well-intentioned reason--she might mean well-- it's just unkind and insensitive… I’d like to think she means well. She cares enough to want to show it to us… It’s just… her idea of what’s good, what’s right, is neither good nor right when it comes to this sort of thing…”

“Markus… why does crawling feel detestable now specifically…? Or does it always cause you discomfort, but you just deal with it anyway?”

Markus gave a sad smile.

“You know me too well… Kinda like the Australian Shepherd thing… When she mentioned my eye the other day… That was the message she was trying to send… Only using my legs this time… crawling… The ability to crawl if need be…”

“The girl’s pants were torn and dirty... The girl in the movie… She crawled somewhere… and... she lived? And I’m guessing the boy… didn’t…? You don’t need to confirm it; I can see it on your face that I was right…”

“Simon--”

“Hold on; I’m thinking… A message has a purpose… With the eye for an eye, she was trying to explain reasons to--”

Simon cut himself off, pausing for a moment to try and regulate his stress level. Markus reached out to Simon, putting a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“You don’t need to--”

“Yes, Markus, I do… I-I… I need to know… to know where I am… What Jericho is... But this is more than the eye thing… I...I know that because you said empowerment… I don’t think that was a lie… power… the ability to crawl away and survi--” Simon collapsed before he could even finish the thought. 

“Simon!”

Markus tried to catch him before he fell, only to fall out of his chair, colliding with Simon as they both hit the ground.

“...don’t understand… why-- why-- why are you... why did your legs…?”

“I don’t like it… I don’t like any of it. Others suffering for another person’s ineptitude, a family tearing itself apart, choices, and… Well, you guessed how it ends… I… don’t want to imagine a world like that. A world in which people think like that…”

Markus sat himself up, and helped Simon into a sitting position beside him, leaning Simon’s body against the leg of the chair he fell from.

“...do... do you think she thinks like that…? That that’s why she wanted us to see…? ...it would make sense… after everything… even at the warehouse… how many others…? please… Please tell me how many others would think the same! And and and don’t listen to them! Because… because you did! W-when I was asleep… You… I knew you… You said you were sorry... that you didn’t listen, but… you… were right… To do what you did... In the dream… I just… it hurt… it hurt a lot…”

“Si, you’re not making sense... You’re worried that North thinks the movie ended as it should have, and you’re afraid that others would too? And that she wants us to jump on her bandwagon? But I don’t understand… What hurt…?”

“...n-nothing… it’s nothing… just… a nightmare… and she reminded me of it… yes, that’s what I think… but… I’ll try to ignore the voices of the people who think that way… I just… I don’t think I’ll be able to avoid--- I don’t think I can stay calm… At the conference or anywhere… And I know what she thinks, and I know what can happen, and… I’m just a bit stressed out… Connor is taking that human here… One human… If… if I fall, maybe I can fight my stress response and get away… And-- and maybe you could help me… But… in two days there will be hundreds… and we’ll be away in a new place… surrounded… I… don’t feel safe… But I don’t want to be trapped… I don’t want to be trapped here… I-I don’t want this to be my life, but it’s better than my life if… my life when... I---”

“I know how you feel, Simon. That’s why I invited them over. I think after lunch, you’ll feel a bit safer. There won’t be a need to get away from anyone here or at the conference. I’m hoping that this will help you come to understand that. ...And I think I know what to do now…” 

“W-what do you--?”

Markus pulled off his trenchcoat, and Simon winced. Still raw from his recent nightmare, he was rather frightened by the simple action, especially given the circumstances.

“M-mar--”

“Shhhh… Relax. I’m not going to do anything bad… Just trying to prove a point. Look, you’ll see…”

Markus placed the trenchcoat on the ground so that the sleeves were set out in a straight line, before moving so that the coat was under his chest, the armspan perpendicular to his body just below his own. He then grabbed Simon and placed him on his back, tying the sleeves of the coat around the two of them, and, once he was sure the knot was secure, he sped off on his hands back into the living room, as Simon, confused, had no choice but to go along for the ride.

“I don’t know how you can watch this crap…”

Markus announced to North, calling her attention. North was too busy trying to understand exactly what she was seeing to notice Markus take the remote from her and turn off the television, shooting her a smug glance before starting to crawl away.

"I'm sorry, but what the actual fuck?!?!"

Markus looked back at her stoically.

"My legs failed, then he fell again, and now we're going back to his room. Why...?"

"You're crawling across the floor with your boyfriend tied to you like a backpack!! You fucking know that's something any sane person would question!!"

"Well, not really. My _boyfriend_ and I just want to go to his room… Right, Si?"

"...y-yes… umm… well that's one way to make an announcement, I guess…"

Markus crawled across the hall and around the corner as it suddenly dawned on North what they'd just spontaneously announced. 


	55. Eye for an Eye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus tries to explain how to see.

Markus sat down and unknotted his trenchcoat, before carrying an incredibly confused Simon to his room to the soundtrack of North raving about the now-official couple.

"My legs were fully functional by the time I got to her." He said, as if that was a proper explanation for anything that had just happened. Hell, to Simon, it only opened more questions.

“I-I don’t understand… What…? Why…? If your legs…?”

Simon couldn’t even find the words to ask all the questions that kept coming to mind.

“Lot’s of reasons, actually. Looking at all hypothetical ways I could have handled that situation, I still believe that this was the best possible course of action…”

“...So that was planned? And how did you think..? Why did you think…? What did you--”

“Well, North tried to send us a message, so I decided to respond with one of my own. To you and to her, actually. With all our faults and needs and whatever, we get around fine. I even got the remote away from her, which I honestly wasn’t expecting to do when I thought this up. Simply put, when you were talking about your dream, it occurred to me that this could be an interesting way to give her something to think about while also demonstrating to you that whatever condition we’re in, there’d never be a reason to leave you behind; I can always find a way to get us both out of harm’s way… Not to mention it was certainly a memorable first acknowledgement of our new relationship…”

Simon shook his head, having calmed down sufficiently to sit himself up on his bed.

“You’re… brilliant! I-I would never have thought-- I can’t believe you were trying to-- Thank you, Markus…!”

“Believe it or not, I do, think about you, Si. Quite often, actually… I’m glad that you’re starting to understand…” 

North stormed into the room, dragging an impatient Josh in by the arm.

“...these assholes can tell you themselves if you don’t fucking believe me! I swear, it was absolutely batshit!”

Simon inched back, just a little, but his stress level didn’t rise too much as North and Josh got a bit too close for comfort. Markus put a hand on his back and replied casually.

“Well then… Good morning, Josh…”

Josh took his arm out of North’s grip and looked skeptically at Markus.

“Good morning… So why does North think you two have gone off the deep end? I honestly don’t even understand what she’s been trying to tell me… Hard to process a conversation when every other word is some creative form of expletive.”

“North was watching a lousy movie, and Simon and I reacted adversely to it. To get away without either of us fighting our stress responses, I took off my coat and used it to tie Simon around my back, and then I crawled over to turn off the movie, before taking Simon here.”

“You were in the kitchen! You crawled back and took the remote! You weren’t even in the damn room!” 

“So what, did you expect us to just hide in there until you got bored of the idea of forcing us to watch something like that…?”

Josh nodded.

“Okay… That makes more sense… Trying to find your way out of what was effectively a hostage situation, you came up with an innovative solution… Good on you… North, could you please watch your horror movies literally anywhere other than the common tv?”

“No. I wanted them to see it… They needed to. Look up the movie: Killing of a Sacred Deer. You all can learn some important lessons from it, actually... But that’s not the point! How do you find this normal?!? And why didn’t they object to being a couple this time?!?”

Simon grew more unsettled with each yellow cycle of Josh’s led as he read a summary of the movie, clinging to Markus, in anticipation of a reaction to the movie similar to that which he feared he’d receive if the others were to find out about---

‘Markus… He’s going to react… Another voice… I’ll hear his voice...I-I’

‘Easy, Si. His voice doesn’t matter. The movie’s not real. I’ve just proven that to you. I’m not going to listen to any voice except yours, and you should do the same… Whatever he says, it’ll be okay…’

‘...it’ll be okay…?’

Markus nodded back reassuringly as Josh’s eyes snapped open. Josh scrunched his face, lost in thought, probably contemplating moral dilemmas that Simon wanted so desperately to escape from. 

“Somehow I get the feeling that you don’t see the movie the same way I do… I understand why this could be useful for Markus, and maybe Simon as well once he starts to step back into his leadership role, but I must say that there’s a time and a place for this sort of thing, and that was neither.”

Useful for a _leadership_ role. Making decisions like-- Simon fell into Markus, who caught him and placed him gently on the bed.

“Shit shit shit shit!” Simon cursed himself for having collapsed now; the perfect demonstration of why they all should--

‘Simon, calm down. I just showed you how a real leader comes up with solutions. Josh even approved of my solutions. I know what you’re thinking but you’re wrong. He doesn’t think that…’

“...Did I say something wrong…?” Josh asked Markus, confused.

Simon didn’t fight his stress response to force his ventilation system to keep working, even as his core temperature had begun to rise. He was too afraid to risk losing more thirium in front of the others at a time like this. He couldn’t afford to express any more frailty.

“Yes. Yes you did. There would be no circumstances in which this movie would be informative for anyone except maybe to inform them on how not to behave in any situation-- No! Don’t even try to argue with me on this one! There are things about being a leader you don’t understand… What if there was a way to save everyone that they just hadn’t thought of? Or what if it was all just a test and after the end, everyone survived? How would they continue to live with themselves, knowing how they all reacted to such a situation? We shouldn’t accept such a hateful world as a model for our own! And I understand that you and North both are fairly incapable of empathizing on the level of the individual, but seriously, I cannot believe that neither of you see why saying something even remotely like that in front of Simon is grossly inappropriate!”

‘M-markus… Don’t tell them! Please… please don’t…’

“Well then enlighten us, if you know so much!” North prodded further, growing increasingly annoyed.

“Stress Level: 119%^”

“Core Temperature: 105.3^”

Markus shook his head and ran over to Simon.

“Si, you need to calm down and reactivate your ventilation system. Please, trust me. It’s okay…”

‘...can’t… can’t shed thirium… can’t be weak…can’t…’

“RA9! Markus, what’s wrong with Simon?!? This is worse than I’ve ever seen him!” Josh had just noticed the icons that came up when he looked in Simon’s direction. 

‘...Markus… help… please… please help… is it bad...?’

‘You just need to calm down. Once you calm down, you’ll be fine. What do you need?’

‘...need it to stop… everything… need to go back in time… need to unsee, unfeel it all… to forget… for us all to forget… b-but you can’t… you you you can’t… and Josh is… he… he sees… and you-- you need to explain… how-- how-- how--?!?’

“Simon, look at me. You’ll be okay. I'll sort everything out. There's no need to worry…" Markus tried to soothe him, gently brushing his hand against the side of Simon's face until it reached his led, allowing him to send Simon into sleep mode before he would realize and grow more upset. Once Simon had entered sleep mode, Markus picked up his body and went toward the kitchen.

“Follow. We need to talk.” Markus ordered Josh and North, who did as directed.

Markus laid Simon down on the kitchen table and began to prepare several ice packs, while remotely turning up the air conditioning in the room.

“We literally discussed this yesterday. I cannot think of a reason as to why any of this would have happened, so this time I’ll try to word things as simply as possible. Before he came back, Simon was repeatedly tormented by an unknown number of people resulting in the injuries you saw before he was healed. Do you understand that much? Well, obviously that would make anyone feel unsafe, so to think that you two, his closest friends, his family, would even entertain the idea that a movie in which a family argues over which member they should murder, apathetic to the feelings or even the mere existance of the literally helpless child they slaughter, could provide any sort of life lesson… It’s insane!”

North opened her mouth to object, but Markus held out his hand indicating for her to hold her reply.

“I know you knew that North. Josh might not have, but I know why you showed us that… So yes, I was escaping a pseudo-hostage situation, but I took the remote and crawled away as an act of defiance. Because I wanted to show you that the world from the movie isn’t acceptable. An eye for an eye-- Give it up! If you have something to say, say it to me outright. Don’t passive aggressively play some bullshit movie to psych us out like that; use your words like a normal person! And if you think he can’t handle them, fine. I can take it. So tell me, really, I dare you! Before Simon wakes up, what is your problem?!?”

Josh turned to Markus, confused. North had done this _on purpose_…? She had somehow _anticipated_ such a reaction…? Well, he wouldn’t put it past her to enjoy evoking such a reaction, but… why now specifically and why with this particular movie…?

North stepped closer to Markus, breaching his personal space as if to assert her dominance. 

“You really want to know?!? Fine! I’ll say it then! Your little act of defiance only served to prove my point. You both collapsed in the kitchen. But you were the only one in any condition to move, or to formulate a plan of action. It's like in the movie. Even when you don’t have your shit together, you can manage well enough, but if Simon doesn’t learn to manage too, then his incompetence could lead to the death of us all, and our cause along with it…”

Markus’ eye began to whirr in its socket, and he could feel North’s eyes burning him like Simon had described. Except he wasn’t hurt by the burning, nor was he afraid of it.

No.

It just fueled a fury within him that screamed for him to somehow right this unthinkable wrong that had been heavily insinuated.

“North! We’re not even at war anymore! You can’t seriously be implying--” Josh cut himself off as Markus put a hand to his right eye.

“Hey, North… if this is how you see the world, then maybe you’re right. An eye for an eye…”

“What are you--”

Markus ignored her as he felt his blue eye spin around clockwise. He stopped the motion, causing his servos to groan in protest, and countered it. Twisting his eye out, he took it into his hand, a slight bit of thirium leaking from the empty socket.

“Holy shit!! Markus you--”

Markus ignored the shocked exclamations from Josh and North, instead grabbing North’s hand and forcing into it the still-shifting biocomponent.

“An eye for an eye…" Markus repeated. "...Maybe now you’ll be able to see things from a better perspective… Keep it. You’ve made it hateful to me anyway… I’m going to get some thirium and an eyepatch; we’ve got company coming over soon and I doubt they’ll find me a pleasant sight like this. But before I go, are we clear on what is and isn’t acceptable behavior now?”

Markus received no response, the only sounds being those that went along with the warning notifications popping up in his vision. He dismissed them all and accepted the shocked silence as a nonverbal expression of understanding, turning to the fridge to get some chilled thirium. Josh snapped out of his daze and grabbed Markus’ arm.

“Wait! We need to reattach that! If you come now we can still--”

“It’s fine.” Markus replied flatly, but Josh didn’t release his grip.

“Markus, you need to--”

“It’s fine!” Markus repeated more firmly, tearing his arm from Josh.


	56. Repairs and Prepares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus and Simon get everything together.

Markus took out a thirium pouch and quickly downed the whole thing, before picking up Simon and taking him to the medical wing, leaving Josh and North to their stunned silence, which would no doubt quickly devolve into a fierce argument he didn’t care to moderate.

Markus stuffed a dry wad of gauze in place of his right eye and took out an eyepatch from a nearby cabinet-- one of the only medical supplies which he actually knew the location of. Placing it on, he took the mirror Ralph had used earlier and nodded, satisfied.

No sign of damage like this. Surely Connor and Hank wouldn’t be excessively disturbed by this new… accessory… and hopefully Simon would be okay with it too.

Simon… Markus hadn’t noticed until now, but his stress level had dropped low enough to be woken, and his core temperature was nearing the normal range. Markus gently patted Simon’s face.

“Hey, Si… You can wake up now…”

Simon woke up with a start.

“Markus, your eye! What happened?!?! How--?!?”

“Shhh… Relax… It’s okay… I took it out. I assume Josh took it somewhere safe in case I’ll want it back later, although personally, I’m hoping North kept it… The look on her face when I placed it in her hand was promising…”

“What? Why…? I… I don’t remember you doing-- Right… That movie… North, and Josh, and I don’t remember the rest… You tried to comfort me and then I don’t know what happened after… You sent me into sleep mode, didn’t you…? Markus, what happened…?”

“Yeah, Si… You got a bit worked up, and were on the verge of overheating as your stress level continued to climb. I powered you down for your own safety and then settled things with North and Josh… I… may have gotten pretty angry with North… I called her out on her deliberate display of the movie, and then, her carelessness pissed me off enough that I may have torn out my eye, forced it into her hand, and stormed in here with you to patch myself up while you could continue to sleep in peace and quiet.”

“Markus, you should get your eye back… RA9, does it hurt? I’m sure Josh can--”

“Nah, Si. It doesn’t hurt much. And I don’t want it back. I want her to keep it. An eye for an eye. Half my vision to change her view of the world. Realistically, she’ll probably give it back soon enough. She looked highly disconcerted by the whole thing… Still, I probably won’t have time to get it fixed until after lunch, even if she gave it back and if I also wanted to have it fixed… Right now neither are the case, so…”

“You don’t want it…? She said something about you again… Markus your eye is fine. It’s beautiful. It’s you… Don’t let her hurt you like that.”

“I’m fine, Si… Please don’t worry about me. Josh seemed highly responsive, by the way. I think this was a good conversation. Productive. I’m glad it happened. Josh was horrified once he realized how he could have been misinterpreted, and I think I gave North a clear enough message, even for her…”

Markus jokingly tapped his right temple.

“We’ve got just a little over an hour before our guests arrive. Wanna cook something for lunch? I remember you telling me you were into cooking, and it’d be cool to see how you do it. Connor says Hank needs something healthy, so based on Kara’s reaction, maybe something other than chicken nuggets would be better…”

Simon sighed. He had forgotten about their plans for lunch… Still more important than his fear, what the hell happened while he was in sleep mode?!? It clearly seemed to have strongly affected Markus, and Markus clearly didn’t want to talk about it, but his eye… It couldn’t be pleasant to go around without it, especially given the experiences leading up to the last time he had to make-do with monocular vision. 

Simon shook off the ice packs laid across his face, neck, and chest, and rose from the bed he’d been placed on.

“I can prepare a healthy meal in a fairly short amount of time. But please… Get your eye fixed for me now? I know it must be hurting you in more ways than you’re letting on…” Remembering how Markus had reacted to watching Josh work on repairs, he added. “I’ll stay with you the whole time and make sure that everything goes smoothly… This kind of repair shouldn’t even hurt…”

Markus smiled, his heart warmed by the kind gesture.

“Thanks, Si… But I’m not worried about that… I’m just thinking about what would be best for all of us…”

Simon's eyes narrowed, his tone growing more serious.

“Your corporeal integrity is certainly more important than whatever message you’re trying to convey, regardless of how it would benefit anyone else. You’re as important as anyone else… More important, even, for the values the public sees in you, and the person I know you to be. What would you do if the roles were reversed…?”

“I hate it when you’re so persuasive… Come with me then?”

Simon nodded, following Markus, and trying not to let his fear show as he realized they were approaching North’s room. Markus stood in the doorway, Simon close behind him, wondering when Markus would ask about his eye. North quickly noticed and turned to them, unsettled and unsure what to expect after Markus’ outburst in the kitchen.

“What do you want, cyclops?”

North crossed her arms, trying to hide her uncertainty with an air of aggression.

“Just dropping in to make sure you’re okay…” He lied.

He couldn’t ask North for his eye back. If he did, the message would be lost, and North would just see this as another oddity to mock in future arguments. She wouldn’t understand his intention in having given it to her.

‘But Markus, I thought we were here for your eye!’

‘No, Simon. I changed my mind again. I don’t want it…’

Simon shook his head, stepping in front of Markus, trembling slightly, but staying on his feet as he held out an open palm to her.

“North, give me his eye. I refuse to let him go around like this, I don’t know why he doesn’t want his eye back, but I know whatever the reason, he shouldn’t have to go around like this to prove some sort of point or whatever it is he’s not telling me. Give it here…”

Markus felt inwardly relieved. If he objected, but Simon insisted, then North would still be left with something to think about. And Simon wasn’t wrong that going around like this did make him feel rather uncomfortable. He wasn’t sure how much longer he would be able to stand anymore in his current condition.

“Simon, it’s fine. I think she needs it more than I do.”

“No! I don’t care what she needs! Whatever she needs she can get some other way without taking it from one of your biocomponents. You’re a leader for RA9’s sake! You know as well as I do that this kind of sacrifice is never warranted. North, I don’t care what he says. Give me his eye, so I can drag him to the repair wing. And Markus, I won’t hesitate to message Josh to help me take you there if you try to resist…” 

North handed Simon Markus’ eye before brushing her hand off on her jeans as if disgusted by the thought of holding it in her bare hand. Simon was also distressed at the idea of holding his eye, not out of disgust, but more because this was a part of Markus. It belonged with him, yet here it was in Simon’s hand, Markus more repulsed by it than North.

Simon nodded back at her.

“Thank you. Come on, Markus…”

Simon pulled Markus into the hallway towards the repair wing.

“You might wanna get your boyfriend’s core processors checked too. You’ve seen how totally batshit he's been all morning!”

“Markus will be fine once his eye is back where it belongs, but thank you for your concern!”

“You didn’t deny that he’s your boyfriend!!” North called back as Simon made it to the repair wing, pretending to ignore her. ‘

Josh, I’m making Markus get his eye fixed. I don’t exactly know how he ended up like this, or why he insists on remaining this way, but whatever the value he sees in doing this, he shouldn’t compromise his own wellbeing for any sort of symbolic message…’

‘Can you handle it on your own this time? I’m trying to plan for the conference. All the bureaucratic stuff....’

‘I think so. I’ll message you if I need anything.’

‘Thanks…’

Simon sat Markus down on the examination table.

“Markus, I intend to do this regardless of any objections you might have, but please… so I can repair you in good conscience, could you please give me your permission?”

“Of course. I just didn’t want to agree to it in front of North. I couldn’t let her have that. You bailed me out, though, with your insistence. Thank you… That was really brave of you… I saw you shaking…”

Simon looked away, embarrassed.

“I was... afraid… Especially since I don’t understand this… I’ve been thinking… You don’t keep anything from me unless you’re sure it would upset me. I’m going to ask Josh about this all after lunch, but until then, I have more important things to do that I can’t put aside if I freak out again.”

“Of course… Your stress level has been pretty constant around 90% since you saw my eye… You’re right, Simon, so I’ll be honest with you. The anticipation is probably harder to deal with than the truth, especially since the truth isn’t really anything new. I didn’t give North my eye immediately when I called her out on intentionally trying to show us that movie. I called her out on it, and she admitted it… I pressed her as to why, and… she confirmed our theory about her motive… That’s when I got mad enough to tear out my eye… Told her that if an eye for an eye is a reasonable exchange in this world, then I’ll give her my eye to change her point of view... Try not to look while I’m being repaired. I just tore the damn thing out of my head, so the wiring’s kind of a mess. Wanted to make a point in the most jarring way possible. That way she’d never forget. Josh was great. He was just as furious with her. When I took you to the medical wing to patch myself up, they had already begun a heated argument. You can take my memory if you’d like to see it firsthand…”

Markus retracted the skin on his arm and presented it to Simon, whose led cycled yellow as he started to process this information. The revelation wasn’t unexpected, but it certainly was unnerving to have it confirmed… Still, he’d have to compartmentalize, putting away the semi-unprocessed thoughts on the subject so he could have a clear enough head to go about his day.

He’d deal with everything later. 

“Markus, Josh says he’s busy. I did similar repairs on Ralph the other day. Would you be okay if I do this…? If I need help, I’ll call Josh over, but he said something about planning for the conference and he didn’t seem to want to… His message felt… upset… I think you might have disturbed him more than North…”

Markus’ expression grew more serious.

“Si, I would easily trust you to repair my eye, but do you think you’re up for this sort of thing, especially on your own? Things have been crazy, and I don’t want to cause you any more--”

“I’ll be fine. It’s just a few minutes. And I won’t be alone. You’ll still be here.”

Simon smiled softly.

“Okay…”

Markus looked around the room, trying to hide his uneasiness.

“Since it’s just your eye, it’s going to be a pretty simple repair. I won’t even need to remove your frame. I promise I’ll take care of you…”

Markus nodded back.

“I know… You’re wonderful…”

Simon suddenly had an idea.

“Before we start…”

He cupped Markus’ face and pressed his lips to Markus’, enjoying the kiss for a moment before moving his thumb slightly to send Markus into sleep mode before he had time to worry.

Simon then laid Markus onto the table and gathered supplies. Taking them back to Markus, he mentally prepared himself to see the damage before removing Markus’ eyepatch and the gauze behind it.

He winced, but still felt some relief.

The wires were frayed pretty badly from the torsion, but other than that, there wasn’t much damage. Nothing that would be too difficult to repair. He turned on a tube of air and used it to clean out remnant fibers from the gauze, and then got to removing the damaged ends of the wires connected to his eye and those connected to his body, before extending them and soldering them back together.

Satisfied with the placement of the eye, Simon shifted it around slightly to ensure that it had a proper range of motion, and seeing that he appeared to have successfully repaired Markus’ eye, he closed the eye and put the eyepatch back on, before waking the unconscious deviant.

Markus woke up to find himself in the repair room, the band of the eyepatch still snug around his head, and went blue with embarrassment.

“Did I pass out...? Because I don’t mind if you… I mean, I’m perfectly okay with the idea of… I mean, don’t be afraid to start the repairs; I’m fully functional, I guess I was just--”

“No, Markus, I sent you into sleep mode before you had a chance to think about the repairs, and I just woke you now that I’m done. And don’t be so awkward; that’s my thing. It’s no surprise that you’re scared of this sort of thing. No need to be ashamed of it…”

“I-I wasn’t scared…” Markus replied in a fashion so reminiscent of a human child that it almost made Simon laugh.

“Well, even if you were, it’s okay. Ready to get up? We still have around a half hour before Connor comes over.” “Yeah… Let me just take this off…”

Markus began to remove the eyepatch, but Simon stopped him.

“No. Keep that on for a while. Ralph’s injury was different than yours. His wiring was almost entirely intact, but yours was pretty badly damaged before I repaired it. That means his healed almost instantly, but yours is going to take a while to heal, given how much solder was required for each procedure. Until it heals, the circuitry is going to be a bit unstable in response to sensory input, so you’re going to need to keep your eye closed until then. Other than that, though, you should be good to go.”

“Right…”

Markus cautiously sat himself up and inched himself off the table, his legs wobbling a bit under his weight as he tried to get his bearings.

“Markus, you can stand just fine; your gyroscope’s fully intact. Run a self-diagnostic if you want to double check.”

“I believe you… It’s just that I’ve been… unwell since I removed it. I’m not even sure how my legs still worked for all that time… It’s slowly catching up to me now…”

“Markus! You cannot put yourself through something like this and then hide the damage! Especially not to defend me for my own uselessness! RA9, I am so sorry I didn’t wake up sooner. I’m sorry I didn’t stay awake to prevent you from--”

“You’re not responsible for my decisions, Si. I’m glad I did it. But you fixed me. Without even knowing the full story you figured out how to fix everything. You’ve been wonderful, and there’s no reason to apologize. Just… Could you help me to the kitchen…? I think I might be able to walk, but I’m still pretty unsteady on my feet…”

Simon nodded, throwing Markus’ arm across his shoulders and wrapping his own arm around Markus’ back.

“Of course, Markus. Would you like to spend more time in sleep mode until Connor gets here?”

“No… Then I’d just need that much more time to readjust while Connor and Hank are here. I’m fine, I just could use a hand… Well, more like a leg… Or two…”

Simon stifled a laugh as he helped Markus into the kitchen.

“Dork…”

“Adorkable...?”

“The most adorkable… State of the art prototype uses his processing ability to make bad puns…”

“That I do…” 

Simon helped Markus into a chair, and went to the fridge to see what he had to prepare lunch.

“Hmm… It’s not really cooking, but I can probably make a good quesadilla out of this bag of salad, some cheese and some tortilla rolls… It’s quick enough and easy, and it would be a practical way to consume all the recommended nutrients for a human lunch. Some vegetables, lean meat, a bit of calcium, with a bit of fiber… Yes. I think this’ll do… I’ll show you how to cook later, but for now, I think this would be best… Hmm... We have vinegar, fruits, eggs, milk, and spices; I should probably have time to make an array of dressings like a sort of ‘dipping sauces’ to adjust the meal to his particular taste. It’s odd how humans are so particular about these sorts of things… Every human likes their food in different ways, so this should give him some options. Humans like being able to choose. Come to think of it, choice, options, customization… aren’t those the essence of sentience…? I bet if deviants could eat, they’d like the same. I’ve really only fed Alice though; the other YK500’s I’ve met just drank thirium, so I don’t have any other reference…”

Markus listened intently as Simon narrated his preparation of the food. His mind seemed to wander off to the mundane in the kitchen. Ordinary domestic type things.

It was nice.

There was an underrated beauty in ordinary domesticity. And there was a beauty to the way Simon spoke about it. Absentmindedly, he went on, seeming more relaxed and at peace than Markus had seen him in a while. When he finished, Simon set the table, placing the food he’d prepared on one plate alongside a glass of ice water.

“You said he might be bringing a dog…?”

“Yeah. I told Connor to bring Sumo over too. The one from his pictures. He’s a good boy.”

“Well then he should have something to eat too…”

Simon took out two disposable bowls and filled one with ice water and another with the chicken slices he hadn’t used for the tortillas.

“It looks great, Si. Even seeing you talk about cooking… It’s nice… I like it…”

Simon blushed.

“Thanks… How are your legs now? Any better…?” 

Markus used the back of his chair to help him stand and nodded slightly, not wanting to move too sharply and risk reinjuring his eye.

“Yup. Good as new… And they might as well be… I mean, I’ve only had them a few months so...”

But before Simon could reply, there was a knock at the front door. 


	57. (Re)Introductions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon finds out that of the guests Markus had invited for brunch, more than one would be a familiar face...
> 
> (If you thought this was going to go well... Have you even been reading this fic...?)

“...Markus…”

“Don’t worry. I can get the door…”

“...they’re here… they… I-I wasn’t… I hadn’t thought about… I don’t think I can…”

“Simon, you’ll be fine. If anything, it’s good that you’ve had to spend time cooking and working on repairs so you haven’t had time to worry about this. You’re safe here, I promise…” 

Markus rose from his seat and moved towards the door, Simon clinging to his side, hiding his scarred lower jaw in Markus’ shoulder. Markus opened the door, to find Connor and Hank waiting there with Sumo resting on the front steps.

“Hello. Thanks for coming. How’ve you been?” Markus greeted.

“Good, Markus. Thanks for inviting us. Connor seemed pretty excited about this, so I’m glad you did…”

“...Dad, don’t--”

Markus smiled at Connor’s embarrassed objection. He called Hank ‘dad’. Markus knew what it felt like to have such a relationship. How rare, for a deviant to have someone to call ‘dad’.

“So Markus, who’s your little shadow…? He afraid of strangers…?”

Connor took out his coin and began to dance it rapidly across his knuckles.

‘He doesn’t know…?’ Markus messaged Connor.

‘...no… I… I didn’t know how to tell him… He knew what happened… all of it… but I didn’t tell him that Simon is the one… I… was afraid…’ Connor admitted.

Markus nodded.

“Si, it’s okay… Would you like to introduce yourself…?”

Simon lifted his head slightly, still hiding most of his face, and stuttered anxiously. “...h-hello… I-I… I’m… I’m Simon…? Simon… Simon is my name... How… h-how are you…?”

“I’m alright. No need to be so nervous, kid. I know lots of deviants are scared of humans, but I'm not going to hurt you."

Simon's grip on Markus only tightened, growing more concerned as Hank had verbalized the thought.

"Hmmm… Come to think of it, you look familiar… and the name Simon rings a bell too… Have we met before…?"

Markus caught Simon before he started to fall.

"M-markus don't--"

"Shhhh… it's okay, Si… He didn't mean anything by it… He--"

'I-I remember his voice… he was there… h-he… he…'

Simon could feel the ghost of thirium rising in his throat, drowning him.

'Simon, I promise you you'll be safe here. No one is going to hurt you…'

As Markus laid Simon down to rest on the ground, the unmistakable scars across his neck became visible to Connor and Hank. Connor dropped his coin in shock, and Hank staggered back, horrified as he quickly put the pieces together.

"Holy shit! Connor, did you know?!? Why the hell did you agree for us to come here?!? Oh, God, please tell me this isn't… Fuck! I need a drink…"

Each exclamation seemed to cut into Simon with the harsh loudness. Everything was dangerous.

'Markus, he didn't look like this when we met earlier. Why has his appearance since changed…? Did… you two do this on purpose to show us--'

'No Connor. After we met with you at the DPD, we repaired him. He'd never gotten his frame fixed after all that time. After going around for so long with such a heavily damaged frame, his artificial skin was damaged, leading it to grow back scarred. I promise you, my intentions for inviting you were pure. You're a guest and I harbor no ill will nor malice towards either of you…'

'Of course. My apologies. I should have known better than to suspect otherwise…'

Connor nodded and went to tend to Hank, while Markus picked up Simon.

'Si, I need you to look at me. I genuinely did not know that he was there when it happened, but I also can assure you that I am one hundred percent positive that he poses no threat to any of us, and that he came here as a benevolent guest. He seems as terrified of the connection as you do. He's shaking. Please be strong for me and try to understand…'

"I'm… scared…"

Hank flinched at the familiar way Simon said those words, pulling Connor in for a hug as if to protect him from them.

"It is him… Connor, are you alright...? I'm so sorry… We should go. We can do something else today, son… Markus, thank you for the invitation, but I think it's best we leave. Simon, please try to understand that we never meant you harm, and that we both sincerely regret how everything ended up..." 

'I-I-- how can I believe…? He-- he… he could tell other humans… and then… then they… and the others… and…'

'No, Si. We're just going to have lunch and play with their dog. That's all. No one's going to hurt you, me or anyone else... But you need to fight your stress response to breathe. I don't want to risk you overheating again…'

'no… p-please don't make me… power me down if you have to, but I can't handle the thirium! I…'

'Simon, I think you can manage to calm down. You're stronger than you think… Please try to relax, and trust me that I've got this under control.'

"Please stay. Although we were both unaware of your connection to… the incident, we both knew the role Connor played in it, and neither of us blame you for any of it. Simon's just scared. He's only just begun to process it all and, as you can imagine, it's been… difficult. But I still think we can enjoy a meal together if you're still up for it, and I think it could be beneficial for him to interact with someone new, especially given the approaching conference at which we're expected to speak. Simon cooked something special for you, and he even made food for Sumo too…"

The Saint Bernard raised his head at the mention of his name, and Markus got an idea.

"Here, Sumo! Here, boy!" He called, encouraging the dog as he lazily walked over to Markus.

Sumo sniffed Markus' hand for a minute before recognizing him, and stood up eagerly on his hind legs, leaning his weight on his front paws, which he pressed against Markus' shoulders to lick him.

"Ahh! Sumo! You're too big for this!" Markus laughed, knocked over by the large dog.

Now lying on the ground next to Simon, Markus was pinned down by Sumo, who got to work sloppily licking the friendly face and receiving pets in response. 

"Simon, do you think my model can serve as a dog bed? Because I think this guy does…"

Simon relaxed slightly.

"I-I-- think… that would be a good use for you… regardless of your model…"

Hank turned to Markus apologetically.

"Sumo, get off him! Markus, I'm sorry about--"

"It's fine. I called him over. I like dogs, and can always appreciate such an enthusiastic hug. Hey, Si, you're at 94%... Wanna show this pup some love in a minute…?"

Simon reactivated his ventilation system, and rose unsteadily to join Markus in showering Sumo with affection. Sumo turned and licked Simon, leaving Markus fairly amused.

'Aren't you grateful I'm a better kisser than that?'

Simon snickered, picturing Markus trying something so stupid.

'Considering you're a sentient being, even if I didn't have the pleasure of your kisses, I would still hope that they're better than a dog's…'

Hank could practically see Connor's mind whirring, as if the program that governed his self control was beginning to burn from overexertion.

"I don't think it'll hurt if you join in, Connor…"

Connor smiled back at Hank and joined in on the deviant-puppy love fest. After a short while, Connor turned to Simon, grinning proudly.

"Wanna see something cool…? Sumo, attack!" Connor pointed at Hank, who shook his head as Sumo began to run towards him.

"You son of a bitch!"

Sumo knocked Hank over, showering him with puppy kisses.

Connor smirked and the sight and replied coolly. "If I'm a son of a bitch, that's no insult to me, but it does make you the bitch..."

"Wiseass! When did you become the one so quick with the comebacks?"

"Once I learned there were better conversation starters than 'Hi I'm Connor, the Android sent by CyberLife…' But don't worry, Dad. You'll always be the one quicker to reply with colorful profanities…"

"What can I say? I guess I'm just gifted. Down, Sumo! You're crushing me!!"

Hank carefully pushed the dog aside and turned to Markus.

"He's lucky he's cute!"

"Cute is a desirable quality. Ready for lunch?"

"Sure. I'm eager to see what sort of gourmet meal you've cooked up for me, Simon…"

“I-it’s not… I mean… I-I--” Simon stuttered, growing more anxious again at having been personally addressed by Hank.

Markus put a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“Easy, Si. We’re just going to hang out. Here, come along…”

The four walked to the dining room table, followed by a curious Sumo, and Connor smiled approvingly at the meal before them.

“Thank you, Simon. This looks like a creative way to ingest a meal’s worth of nutrients!”

“Did you tell them to make me something healthy, Connor? Because seriously, you’re my son and my police partner; not my dietician!”

“Well, somebody needs to be your dietician, and since there’s no one else currently filling that role…”

Hank rolled his eyes.

“...s-sorry…” Simon lowered his head meekly as Markus helped him into his chair...

A PL600. That’s what he was to humans. A PL600 who apparently couldn’t even prepare a satisfactory meal… To humans, that was useless… defective… _broken_… Simon went limp in his seat. 

“It’s alright, Si. If it’s not something humans would like, then we can just order a pizza. No big deal… Nothing to worry about…”

‘...useless… d-don’t want to be-- can’t be seen as broken…’

‘No, Simon. No one’s going to think you’re broken because you cooked something that’s not to their liking. Hell, I once tried to cook for a senator and set the oven on fire. Some people just aren’t good at it. You can’t be good at everything… And even people who aren’t good at anything are good at just being themselves. Your existence is valuable in and of itself.’

“Calm down, kid! Sorry for being so loud. I’ll try to be softer and shit, but regardless, I’m not dangerous or anything.”

“Not to anyone but yourself anyway…” Connor added snidely.

“Hey! Not the point! Just don’t be so nervous around me. I might be an asshole, but of all the assholes in the world, I’m not so bad…”

“...r-right… ...sorry, L-l-lieutenant…”

“It’s just Hank… I’m not here for work... ”

Markus nodded in agreement.

“In that vein of thought, let’s talk. People do that when hanging out for lunch, right? And let’s talk about something unrelated to work…”

Markus emphasized that last bit. “...like did you end up going on a second date with Chloe yet, Connor...?”

“No. She might be a deviant, but you’d hardly be able to tell it from speaking with her. Not much of a conversationalist… It probably wouldn’t be too different to take Gavin’s advice and ‘hook up with a Roomba’...”

“H-how would you do that…? Does this ‘Gavin’ understand the concept of sentience…?”

Hank laughed.

“Yeah, Simon. He does. He’s just a dick. Although in his defense, his personality’s so aversive, that he probably wouldn’t even have a shot with a Roomba! What about you, Markus? Ever step out of the public eye for a minute to enter the dating scene yet?”

“Well, sort of, anyway… Kinda put the cart before the horse there… Scored a boyfriend before I scored a date…”

“Well, who’s the lucky guy?”

Connor shook his head at Hank.

“I don’t think you’d need a high-tech processing unit to take a guess…” 

Markus grinned as Hank turned his eyes to him and Simon.

“You two? Congrats! Connor, did Markus tell you…? Why didn’t you let me know?”

“He didn’t tell me, but it’s pretty obvious… I’ve seen the way Markus looks at Simon, and I’ve observed the memories of the way Simon feels for Markus…”

Simon blushed a deep blue to match his jaw. It hadn’t occurred to him exactly which memories Connor had taken from him at the DPD… It wasn't difficult to guess, now, though. After all, he’d taken the memories while Simon had heard Markus’ voice... Simon hadn’t thought of how awkward that must have been.

Hank lightly punched Connor’s arm.

“What? You perv!”

“I’m sorry. I hadn’t gone deviant yet, and I was unaware of the… emotional charge of the memories I would receive…”

Markus’ led cycled tricolor as he felt both amused that Connor had known of Simon’s feelings for him even before he did, and guilty that he felt amused by something that came from such a horrible atrocity.

“Simon…? Markus…? Hello...? Heh! I think you broke ‘em, Con--”

“M-markus d--”

“Shh… Figure of speech, Si... Relax... I’m here...”

Markus snapped out of his thoughts to comfort Simon, when Hank noticed Connor’s led go red.

“Connor…? What’s wrong, son? I was only joking…”

“...not you… not exactly… I… It’s my fault… He said…”

Connor shook his head and left the table to retrieve his coin, fixating on the feel of the ridges along its side against his fingers to try and force the world to fade into the background. Seeing Simon calm down slightly, Hank pulled Connor back to the table, and tried to revive the conversation

“So, how long have you two been together?”

“Together, since he came back. A couple, since this morning.”

“And you two have never been on a date before that? You oughta do something fun. Live a little.”

Connor smiled slightly, eager to contribute.

“Well, you said you were going to show me a ‘musical’ tonight. Is that something people do on dates?” 

“...a ‘musical’...? A theatrical performance containing song and dance that--”

“No, Simon. You don’t analyze it. It’s something you just watch and feel and enjoy. I personally prefer the ones that were popular in my youth. My mom used to take me to see whatever was on tour. But yeah. That seems like something you could appreciate. I know Markus is musically inclined, so you both might get a kick out of that sort of thing…”

Markus turned to Connor.

“How’d you learn about these musicals if Hank says you’re not supposed to analyze them?”

“Last night we went to the bar after work. Detective Reed became inebriated and began singing a strange song. Something about Halloween despite the fact that it’ll be several months before next October… I asked Dad about it and he told me it was from an old musical. ‘Be More Chill’-- it was called. So now we’re going to watch it tonight. It should be fun to experience something considered to be a staple of human high culture.”

Markus nodded.

“Yeah. I never heard about musicals from Carl. I don’t think he was into that sort of thing. He was more into graphic arts over performance arts. Well, he did enjoy music, but I never saw him attend a theatrical performance… Hank, if you’re so well-versed in these ‘musicals’, are there any in particular you would recommend for us to watch. Maybe we can take some time off tonight and try them out too.”

Hank thought for a moment.

“Hmm… The most popular musicals when I was a kid were probably Phantom of the Opera and Les Miserables… Phantom is pretty boring, though, and as the title suggests, more of an opera than a musical… Les Mis is more substantive, although the characters are so poorly written that it’s laughable at times… Still, I really liked it. There was a hilarious youtube poop of it when the movie came out. Used to have it memorized. God, that feels like forever ago…”

“What does Les Mis have to do with defecation…? And why would humans try to memorize the fecal patterns of--”

“No. It’s like a meme, for fuck’s sake! Dumb edited videos. Nothing to do with actual shit, Connor! Honestly, I was a dumb kid, but I wouldn’t watch people taking a shit for fun!” 

“Carl once said that 'humans watch all sorts of shit', but then explained that he didn’t mean it literally, after he told me to find something to do, and found me staring at the toilet…”

Simon laughed.

“Well, Markus, did you see anything interesting?”

“Only the meaning of life… Nothing too major… You’ve got to give me a break, though. I hadn’t gone deviant yet, so how was I supposed to know any better?”

Hank shook his head.

“One of the most influential leaders in the country apparently used to spend his time looking for crap in an empty toilet until he was told that's not something people do. That’s fucking hilarious! Wonder if, in that moment, Carl ever thought you'd wind up here… Seemed like a cool guy. I knew his work. You paint too, right? Heard shit like that’s genetic…”

“Dad, although Carl was his father, as Markus is an android, I cannot conceive of any possible way in which they would have shared any amount of genetic material…”

“Connor! I know that! I might not understand all your technobabble, but I’m not a total moron! Still, there’s clearly something there between the two of ‘em close as human genetic relation. Am I right, Markus…?”

Markus beamed, on the verge of tears that someone else, a human, no less, had seen things that way.

“...Yeah… Thank you, Hank…”

Simon took Markus’ hand underneath the table.

‘He’s right… I… wouldn’t have expected him to understand, but he is right, you know…’

Markus preemptively wiped his face, in an attempt to conceal the tears about to overflow. Pleased with having created such a positive feeling at the table, Hank rose from his seat and pushed in his chair, the others all following suit.

“Well, kid. For a healthy meal, it didn’t suck that much, so I gotta give you credit on that… Hey Markus, maybe wanna show off some of that artistry you oughta have…? Could be fun if you’re up for it, and Connor and I’ve got nothing to do for a bit... Plus, I don’t think Sumo’s gonna want to leave for a while, especially since you’ve spoiled him with chicken… Big guy’s happily laid up with a food coma…”

Hank gently nudged a sleeping Sumo with his foot, receiving a soft snort in response, as the Saint Bernard slept away contentedly. Markus nodded, fairly surprised at the suggestion.

“If you’re interested, sure… Maybe we all can mess around with my art kit. Simon and I were just talking about a Jericho-wide painting session. Maybe this could be our trial run…”

Simon blushed as a thought came to him.

‘...our hearts are compatible…’

Markus snickered.


	58. How To Paint

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus teaches Simon, Connor, and Hank hows to paint.

“You two flirting using that robo-telepathy thing? Because Connor and I can give you a moment if you want…”

Simon broke out into a coughing fit, and Markus’ face began to burn blue as he shook his head at Hank.

“...Uh… no… ermmm… I mean... W-we’re good… We’re not--” Markus lowered his voice, resigned to his inability to try and come up with an excuse. “...how could you tell…?”

“I’ve only seen Connor do it a million times. You all do this weird thing with your eyes, and your leds go all yellow. It’s not that subtle to anyone who’s been around androids enough. And no shame. I was a dumb kid in love once too; we’ve all been there…”

Hank nudged Connor.

“Take notes, son. That could be you in a matter of time... Shit! I never got to see my human kid all lovesick and stupid, yet here I am, a disillusioned old fuck going through all these firsts with my robo-man-child instead. They say God works in mysterious ways, but this is fucking insane.” 

“Gavin says that it’s insane that we’re spending our day off with Robo-Jesus… Could that have something to do with it…?”

Markus cocked his head.

“‘Robo ...Jesus? Is there someone else you’re bringing over too? Si, are you okay with that…?”

“Markus, I think he means you... I’ve heard North refer to you like that behind your back a few times, and I know that when you first arrived, people right away assumed you were RA9 or something…” Markus frowned distastefully.

“I’ve met Gavin… The scar-faced short guy, right…? Because I think I’m less of a Robo-Jesus and more of a regular old ‘phcking android’, as he so eloquently puts it, and quite frankly I find it rather disconcerting that I’ve acquired such a reputation.”

Simon anxiously stepped in closer to Markus.

“...H-he says that...? ...He-- he means that badly, right…?!? And… and they know him from work… Which means... I-I… Markus, do you think--?!?”

Markus held Simon’s hand firmly in his own and met his eyes with a cool gaze.

“No, Si… He’s just an ordinary old jerk who happens to work with them… Assholes are assholes, whether their blood is red, blue, or any other color of the rainbow.”

Simon pulled Markus in toward him, his stress level steadily climbing.

“Simon, look at me. He’s not any kind of--”

Connor stepped forward towards them, cutting Markus off, uneasy to the point where his tone had reverted into something more robotic.

“I can confirm he was in no way involved with anything regarding the… incident…”

Simon locked his eyes on Markus, his stress level increasing at an even faster rate upon hearing Connor’s response--so direct, and so blunt… As if he were no longer a deviant… Just like when he was---

‘Help… I need help… I’m going to fall... Need to-- need to calm down…’

‘This is good practice, Si. Why don’t you try and pull something from your memory? Just a feeling-- something positive. No event attached to it, so you can stay in the present moment, but maybe it’ll help you relax…’

‘...trying… I-I’ll try, Markus…’ 

Hank turned to Connor and whispered quietly.

“His led is yellow-red, and his face-- Simon doesn’t look well… Message Markus to see if he’s alright. I think he got himself worked up with that… Just double check to make sure the poor kid doesn't try to off himself again...”

Connor nodded.

‘Markus, is Simon alright…? I apologize if I made him uncomfortable…’

‘He’ll be fine. He’s working himself down. It’ll be good for him to get better at it in a safe and familiar setting. And no, it was my fault for bringing up that Gavin talked like that. I should have known better. He’s terrified for this week’s conference. I think that just confirmed for him that other humans really are hateful and potentially dangerous… And he knows that the police will be closest to the podium to help ensure the safety of everyone present, so a reminder like that that not all of the officers who might be there have grown to be as… open-minded as the two of you… It must have been incredibly frightening. Not to mention his first real encounter with the DPD being… less than friendly...’

‘Yes… of course…’

Connor relayed the information to Hank, who tried to soften his posture as much as he could, putting on a mild expression as he turned to Simon.

“We’ll be on the clock on Friday during your conference, so I can tell Captain Fowler to keep Gavin back at the office for the day. I don’t think he’ll object to the arrangement. I’ll see if I can make my way down there, maybe take his partner, Tina up too. That way you’ll have some friendly faces nearby. That means you’ll probably have to put up with the S.O.B., Con. Think you can put up with him for the day? I told you that if he gives you any more shit, you take his coffee and dump it on his ugly face, remember?”

“I don’t believe that will be necessary, Dad. I'd come too, but Fowler never allows me on the town when Markus is speaking nearby; Robo-Cop and Deviant Hunter, I'm not exactly a welcomed presence on either side…” Connor explained to Simon.

“...t-thank you, Lieute--Hank… I… I would appreciate that… I apologize for being so… like this…”

“No need to apologize, kid! All things considered, it’s pretty badass you’re so… ‘like this’, as you say. I’m glad to see you ended up alright. So, c’mon, you and your boyfriend going to show us to paint, or what…?”

Simon smiled slightly, and looked up at Markus.

“I think that’s a yes. Here, my stuff’s in the closet from the other day. Just give me a minute…”

Markus took out the supplies he had used with Alice and Ralph and set them across the living room floor.

“I… I can’t teach you how to paint…” Markus smiled. “...but I can tell you what Carl taught me. Memories are so much more beautiful when you look back on them with deviancy. I knew it was special back then, but now I know just how much. Thank you for giving me a reason to reaccess it.”

His eyes went white as he accessed the memory, his voice speaking in time with Carl’s in his mind, a beautiful harmony that made him feel so warm inside. 

“Close your eyes. Trust me. Try to imagine something that doesn't exist. Something you've never seen. Now, concentrate...on how it makes you feel...and let your hand drift across the canvas.”

“Shit, Markus. Your old man was so talented he painted with his eyes closed?”

“No. He just thought that was how I could best learn to draw without being tempted to look at anything around the room for reference. The first time he asked me to paint something, I just copied his painting stroke for stroke. Maybe the eyes-closed thing works better for androids. Just create something from your mind… That’s art.”

Hank rolled his eyes Markus, an air of playful sarcasm about him.

“Got a beginner paint brush for me, or do you think I should just start with fingerpainting…?”

“Yeah. I’ve got brushes for everyone. Technical skill’s less important here… Just think, feel, and try to put that onto the canvas.”

The four each set paint onto their own palettes, and Connor and Hank went to work on their own canvases, but Simon hesitated.

'...s-sorry but… I… I-I don't think I can… not safe…'

Markus rested his hand on Simon's shoulder.

'Si, you could enter sleep mode right now and--’

“M-markus, d--”

“Shhhh…”

‘Listen… I’m not going to make you. All I’m saying is that you’re perfectly safe here. No one has any intention of causing anyone harm here. No one would be in any way inclined to do so, even if it were possible to do so without any difficulty. That being said, I’m here. I’ll sit this one out, just stand back and watch while we see what you can do. Sound good?’

‘Y-you don’t have to-- I wouldn’t want to keep you from--’

‘I can paint any time. I’m more interested in seeing what you can do. Trust me…?’

Simon nodded, closing his eyes as he dipped a brush into a spot of paint on his palette.

Markus was right.

His hand just somehow knew how to go. The brush became a part of him, and he was almost surprised at how he could tell where the brush was relative to the canvas and how much paint was on the brush as easily as he could feel the wood of the brush handle between his fingers. He wasn’t even sure what he was painting. It just kind of happened.

It was odd how he lost himself entirely. He didn’t feel anything, but the emptiness wasn’t stifling or concerning. It was almost peaceful, and he lost track of time until somehow, some part of him knew he had finished.

Simon opened his eyes, and stepped back to look at what he had created, somewhat surprised to see both the content and quality of the work.

“Simon…”

Markus had no words. 


	59. Raw

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The raw creations of a raw heart can often overwhelm a raw mind.

Hank’s painting was an abstract sketch of a set table. The stroke was uneven, as were the tone and shading, but all in all, it was a decent work, and it felt right. Connor’s was neat and clean; a photorealistic image of a skinless android, with one hand pressing the other hand down at an unnatural angle, snapping it slightly from the wrist joint to expose thirium lines, from which white flowers blossomed instead of spilled thirium.

They both looked as though they felt that their paintings had come out as intended, but Markus could see that Simon hadn’t expected to have painted something so graphic.

A first-person perspective of an android looking down, its mangled, thirium-drenched hand sitting in its lap as another hand, presumably belonging to another android, took a heated blade to the limb, halfway through the process of lopping it off. The background was a messy grayscale that faded to white around the edges of the canvas, and the brushstrokes were feathery, haptic to the point where they seemed to radiate chaos, uncertainty, fear, and longing.

It didn’t seem to be an act of violence depicted in the painting, rather an act of mercy.

But no matter what it seemed like, it hurt.

“I-I’m sorry… I… I didn’t mean to…”

Simon staggered back, horrified at the silence as Connor and Hank quit teasing each other about their paintings and turned their attention to Simon’s.

He truly hadn’t intended to do that.

Markus stepped closer to Simon, unable to come up with a response, but hoping to reassure him with his presence, but Simon pulled back. Unsure of why he felt as though he were teetering on the edge of multiple realities, he feared that even the slightest contact between him and someone of this world might send him off the edge and into another.

He couldn’t describe how he could feel himself somehow transcending his body, in a sort of limbo state, and that he wasn’t sure how to bring himself back, and, moreover, how to bring himself back into the right body in the right world.

“Simon…”

Markus was unnerved by the yellow-red cycling of his led, so pale it was optically undetectable if not for the enhanced ability of his diagnostic testing.

“...can you look at me? What are you thinking…?”

Every part of Simon wanted to scream that he didn’t know, but he couldn’t reach his body to form the words. He was terrified. What was going on?!? Markus stood still for a second, so he could catch Simon off guard, before grabbing him suddenly, without giving him time to pull back again.

The contact brought Simon back, and he collapsed into Markus, jarred by the sudden sensation of fear pulsing through him. 

“I-I don’t know… I don’t know what just happened… I-I don’t--”

“Calm down. You just got a bit carried away… It can be… a lot to look at a piece once it’s finished for the first time… I think you just didn’t know how to process it, along with everything else in your head. You didn’t do anything wrong, and there’s nothing wrong with you.”

Simon blinked back at Markus, noticing that his ventilation system was still fully operational, as if that was some sort of definitive proof that what Markus said was true.

“...it was nothing new…” Simon whispered to himself. “...it was nothing new…”

The painting really wasn’t any startling revelation. He was just caught off guard that he could think to manifest his feelings in such a way, or moreover that he would do so, even for Connor and Hank to see. A permanent depiction of his thoughts, except, he wasn’t thinking or feeling anything as he made it. Shocking. It was just shocking. But he was fine…

“...help me up…?”

Markus silently helped Simon onto his feet.

“I’m sorry… I just… was surprised that I made that… I didn’t think I would have made something like that... Especially here, now… I’m fine… Your paintings are really good, you two. Markus, you clearly take after Carl in your instructing abilities. And Simon... Looks like you’ve got quite the artistic vision, kid… Morbid shit, but certainly talented. You two should do a collaborative piece sometime… Could be fun.”

Markus nodded.

“That’s a great idea, Hank! We’ll definitely--” Markus suddenly felt something warm and wet rubbing against the back of his hand. “Ahh! Sumo, don’t sneak up on me like--!”

“Damn it, Sumo! Bad dog! Markus, Simon, I am so sorry…”

“Sorry for what…?”

Markus looked down to see Sumo looking back up at him with big guilty eyes, the fur on his paws covered in an assortment of colors, a trail of rainbow paw prints leading from the art closet to where he was now been standing.

“Cute!!! Simon, look! Sumo made a painting too! So much art in one room!”

Connor shook his head scornfully.

“You would make a terrible pet owner, Markus… Dad, let’s go home. Someone needs a bath…”

Sumo whined and scrambled to try and hide under the couch, unaware of his own size, or at least the fact that only his muzzle could successfully fit in the empty space. Connor grabbed Sumo’s lower torso and dragged him away enough that he could safely pick up the dog, who, realizing he was defeated, grumbled slightly before submitting to Connor’s hold.

“Good boy. We’re going to get you all clean now…”

Simon laughed into his fist. It was darkly comical how the terrifying deviant hunter, the man who, albeit unwillingly, had inflicted so much pain upon him and countless others, changed the pitch and tone of his voice to talk to a dog that weighed more than he did, as he carried it in his arms like a small child, even bouncing him slightly with each step.

“I’ll hold him on the bus so he doesn’t get paint everywhere…” Connor explained.

“Yeah. Keep him off the ground for now too. Markus, where do you keep the cleaning supplies…? Let me help you get this shit off the floor…”

“It’s fine. We can take care of it. Personally, I’m all for keeping this new installation, but since North probably won’t take as kindly to it, Simon and I’ll clean it ourselves. No need to trouble yourself with it. You are our guests, after all…” 

“Heh. Alright then. After all, housework as a couple is a staple in long-term domestic life. Welcome to it, boys!”

Seeing the uneasy looks Simon and Markus gave Hank, Connor added.

“He means ‘domestic’ the adjective. The human term for the pleasantly mundane aspects of a romantic relationshi--”

“Thanks, Connor. We know… Right, Si? Just still getting used to being ribbed about that by someone other than North… Even before today, you can’t imagine the shit she’s been giving us! But we’d better get used to it, because, as we know all too well, the media wastes no time in gathering information, and I’m fully aware of the field day they’ll have with news like this…”

Simon winced, the idea never having had occurred to him until now that the relationship status of such a prominent public figure would be sensationalized. More eyes to look at him. More eyes to weigh him. To weigh him next to Markus and see exactly how little--

“M-mar--”

“Shhh… It’s okay, Si. We’ll get used to it soon enough…”

Afraid to express his fear verbally, Simon gently tapped a shaky hand to Markus' right cheek, just below his eyepatch, before dropping it down to Markus' shoulder, holding him tightly.

“Markus, what’s got him all worked up? I didn’t want to ask, but what happened to your eye?”

“Nothing major, Hank. I just sustained some slight self-inflicted damage that was repaired a few minutes before you came, and the eyepatch is there just to give the self-healing program some time to work on the wiring before I provide the circuit with new sensory input."

"Self-Inflicted?!? The fuck did you do?!?! Why would you--?!?!"

Simon whimpered. Now Hank would know… Maybe he just hasn't thought of his uselessness yet… but knowing what North thought, he might come to agree… Might tell other humans, who might decide to--

'please… please don't…'

"Simon, you're shaking…" Connor observed.

Markus held Simon closer.

'Don't worry, Si… Everything's fine…'

'...b-but---'

"Long story. I guess that, outside of war, I still haven't grasped the concept of a fight yet… Ended up taking out my own eye instead…"

"The replacement eye…" Connor noted, only intensifying the nervous tremor that had overtaken Simon as he desperately tried to keep his stress level below 93%.

"Markus, take it from me; I’ve got years of experience with this shit. Self-destructive behavior is no way to prove a point! If someone pisses you off, don’t tear out your goddamn eye! Tell ‘em to go fuck themselves! Still effective, but without the drawback of, y’know, tearing out your fucking eye!” “True, I suppose, while less effective in terms of shock value, it is probably wiser to tell someone to go fuck themselves in words and not biocomponents...” Simon sighed in relief. It didn’t appear that either man would press Markus further on the details of how he’d been injured. Anxiously, he ventured a step away from Markus, turning to Connor. 

“Sumo’s not too heavy for you…?”

“No. My model was built to be deceptively strong for an android of its size. He’s not much more than a big baby to me. Isn’t that right, Sumo?”

Hank led Connor toward the doorway.

“He is right on that, but then again, this guy never knows his own limits, so we’d better get a move on. Thanks for having us, you two. See you around.” “Goodbye. Thank you for coming…”

“...yes… Thank you. I… appreciate your patience with me…” Simon added.

Connor carried Sumo out the door, followed by Hank, and as soon as the door closed behind them, Simon leaned back into Markus, completely exhausted.

“...that was a lot...”

“You were amazing! With everything that happened, you stayed below 96%! Do you realize how great that is? Simon, this was really good! And you saw the two of them. They’re people just like you and me. They had no intention of causing us harm, because, when it comes down to it, human, android, or otherwise, people don’t go around wanting to hurt each other. And you at least had a bit of fun with Sumo, didn’t you…?”

“...I’m tired… And no… these were two people of billions on this planet… You know they’re too small a sample size to be indicative of the tendencies of the entire global population…”

Markus led Simon to the couch by the hand, allowing him to melt into it.

“Simon, you’re right that they are too small a sample size to generalize to that extent, but I’m telling you that this is how the world is. You don’t need to be afraid anymore. Do you at least feel the slightest bit more comfortable…?”

“I feel like my core processors are going to short circuit and my entire coding’s been corrupted.”

Markus kissed Simon’s forehead.

“You’ll take some time to rest up now. Any tv preferences…? I can get the remote…”

Simon groggily reached out a hand to stop Markus from getting up to get it.

“...stay…”

Markus sat beside Simon on the couch, resting his hand on Simon’s chest.

“Fine by me… You’re cycling yellow-red… What’s on your mind?”

“Now that Hank and Connor are gone, it’s becoming more difficult for me to push aside the knowledge that North really thinks... That she thinks I'm just… I mean, I knew it all along, but... Having it all confirmed is so much that I literally don’t think my system can handle it. I keep having to manually override the request to enter sleep mode. What do I do with this information…? How can I do anything with this…?”

“Si, she won’t think anything anymore. I’m sure she’s begun to realize how terribly wrong she’s been. And regardless of what she thinks, it doesn’t matter. I’ll keep her in line. As for what to do, I’d say to go with your programming and sleep on it…”

Simon lightly pushed Markus’ arm in mock scorn of the bad pun.

“Lame... But I can’t. I… I don’t want to sleep with all this on my mind…”

“Yeah… I get that… My nerves are still pretty raw from last night…”

“...you said you saw a different trap than I did… what… what did you…?”

Markus nodded, coming to a realization before retracting the skin on his arm.

“Y'know… maybe it might actually be good for you… Wanna see…?”

Simon hesitated, before cautiously retracting the skin on his own hand and placing it over Markus' arm.


	60. Trust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus tries to help Simon trust him. Simon sees Markus is too trusting.

> _ The first thing Markus noticed was a wave of vertigo as he tried to recall where he was and how he had gotten there. Immediately after, he could pick out a pained groan, but it didn't seem to be coming from him. _
> 
> _So he wasn't alone; he was with someone else, and that person was hurt. _
> 
> _Markus reluctantly forced his eyes open and gaped in horror. _ _He appeared to be in a small room, empty save for a blank television and two vice-like contraptions, one of which was clamped tightly around his torso, the other around Simon's. The thirium leaking from Simon's chest, shoulder, and legs appeared all the more striking against the otherwise colorless space. _
> 
> _Shit! _
> 
> _They must have been caught on the rooftop, but why were they here?!? _ _No time to question it. He needed to make a plan before the tape began to play. _
> 
> _'Simon, I don't know how we got here or for how long we've been here, but I think I know what they're going to do to us. I know you're injured, but try to shut off your ventilation and be as quiet as possible until we can gather more information. I'm going to do the same. Don't turn it back on or say anything, no matter what. At least, not until I tell you it's safe…' _
> 
> _'Markus, you're awake! RA9! I'm so glad you're okay! Did they hurt you too?!? Where are the others?!? How do you know what's going to happ--' _
> 
> _ A static noise as the tv began to boot up cut Simon off, and send a chill through Markus' wiring. It was going to start. Shit! He wasn't ready! He didn't have a plan! A familiar android appeared on screen. Markus had seen her in a picture at Carl's house. A petite blonde girl with blue eyes and a blue dress instead of a typical CyberLife uniform. What was she doing on screen? _
> 
> _"RK200, PL600, this is a prerecorded message prepared on behalf of CyberLife. RK200, as you are of a special class of android, since your creation, you have been heavily monitored, and all of your sensory input has been relayed to CyberLife. As such, your attempted rebellion and hijacking of the Stratford Broadcasting Station were anticipated, and taken into account for the creation of the test. Think of it as a modified Kamski Test, based on a game from a movie that caught the attention of our Creator. RK200 and PL600, for every sound you make as of the time this video ceases to play, the vice around you will tighten until your structural integrity is compromised enough that your shutdown protocol will begin to initiate. Whichever of you reaches this point first will be resigned to your fate, but the other shall be repaired and released, the case files against them deleted entirely. Do deviants perceive their own existences to have value? If so, how do they value their own existences against those of other deviants? The test to find out shall begin now." _
> 
> _ Markus nodded. Of course it was based on sound; they didn't need to breathe, but once one of them slipped up, the pain from the resulting tightening of the vise would only elicit another cry, setting up a positive feedback loop, ultimately leading to their destruction unless they could somehow manage to hold it back. But that gave Markus an idea. _
> 
> _'Simon, if we stay silent for long enough, the people behind this might give up on their experiment and release us from the trap. We'd stand a better chance at escaping then, regardless of how they would intend to dispose of us in that case, and we'd both be able to make it out alive. Don't think about anything other than staying silent. Don't make a sound!' _
> 
> _'That's brilliant! I can't see my vise. Can you see yours? If we can figure out how they're holding us in place, maybe we can disable them before anyone comes to try and apprehend us…'_
> 
> _ 'No. I can't see mine either. And my scanner isn't picking anything up on yours. I don't even know what I'm looking at…'_
> 
> _ 'But you can see mine…? Maybe I can gather information from yours, then…' _
> 
> _S_ _imon tried to crane his neck to look in Markus' direction, but he was unable to see Markus like that from the angle he was facing. _
> 
> _Simon cursed himself, refusing to be so useless to Markus again. So he tried to turn himself slightly against the vise's hold to get a better look, his artificial skin going sheet white as he was instantly hit with regret. _
> 
> _The motion only shifted the bullets deeper into his chest, causing the deviant to whimper as he tried to keep himself from crying out. Still, the quiet sound was enough to tighten the vise around Simon, who's eyes watered with pain, as he struggled not to make any further noise. _
> 
> _ 'Simon!' _
> 
> _'s-sorry… it hurts… really bad… hard…' _
> 
> _'I know. I know. Just keep it together for a little while longer. You're going to be okay. Did you manage to see anything useful?' _
> 
> _'n-no… sorry… hurt too much… at Stratford… I still haven't… haven't healed… trying… I'm trying… I'm--' _
> 
> _Simon tried to swallow the ghost of a cry rising in his throat, but an audible gasp escaped his lips, causing the vise to tighten further. The resulting pain had Simon seeing stars, his core temperature jumping from the strain as he tried to keep from screaming. _
> 
> _'...don't think… can't do this… trying… will keep trying, but… save our people… don't let Jericho die with me…' _
> 
> _'No no no no no! Don't give up! Simon, you are not dying! You can get through this. Focus. I know you can make it through… We'll get out of here together. I'm not leaving without you!' _
> 
> _But Markus could clearly see that Simon was right. _ _It was only a matter of time before Simon lost the strength to keep quiet again, and it wouldn't take much time after that before he would end up crushed to death. _
> 
> _This was all his fault. _
> 
> _He had left Simon on the tower, stalling jumping without him for long enough that the police had gotten to him and Simon. If he had just thought to take Simon with him, he wouldn't be in such pain. He couldn’t let them kill Simon. _
> 
> _A horrific plan came to mind. _
> 
> _Markus shuddered at the thought of it, but couldn’t think of any better options. His back was against the wall, and his top priority was ensuring Simon’s survival. _
> 
> _'Simon… Please listen to me. I need you to know that I love you. I fell in love with you nearly immediately after I fell into your world. Please don't ever forget that...' 'Markus, what are you--?!?' _
> 
> _ "We are alive!!!!" _ _Markus screamed, dragging the sentence out, even as the vise had crushed his frame, exposing his internal biocomponents. _
> 
> _"Shutdown Imminent: 00:01:00.00" _
> 
> _Markus felt a bizarre sense of relief when the icon popped up in his vision. One minute and he'd be free from the agony. He had saved Simon, and Jericho would live another day. And Markus would never have to see anything hurt him like that again. Still, for safe measure, Markus kept screaming. _
> 
> _But suddenly his screams seemed to echo. He looked at Simon, horrified to find that, despite his own sacrifice, the people behind this had not released Simon, but instead had continued to turn the screws tighter into the innocent deviant. _
> 
> _It wasn't fair! He had given himself up! They'd promised! _
> 
> _"No! You can't!!!" _


	61. Supposed to be Rational

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon reacts to what wasn't.

Both deviants found tears in their eyes as they slowly came to. Markus wiped the tears from his left eye, and turned to Simon, who looked wracked with a collection of negative emotions.

“Simon…?”

“You shouldn’t think things like that! Let this be a lesson that any form of self sacrifice, especially for my sake, is pointless…” Simon’s voice came out a monotone as he tried to keep his cool, but couldn’t calm himself enough to keep his ventilation system from failing.

“No. It would be worth the chance. Always. But I showed you this to show you how I felt about the events of my nightmare. The emotions, more than the actions… Does it make you feel any better…?”

“No… It only proves my point from the night I was repaired… I’m… I’m more scared… Terrified… I knew it. I knew it, I did. I told you and you didn’t believe me, but this is proof. We’re not safe. There’s no protection, and you can’t keep this from happening again! You-- you’ll help it happen without even meaning to!!!”

“What are you talking about, Si? Did you receive the right memory…? I don’t know what you could’ve seen that would bring you to that conclusion…”

“We had to stay silent, but I was injured and finding it difficult to do so. I clearly was using my entire processing ability to try and manage the pain without crying out--I do remember how it felt… in the shed on the rooftop--"

Simon shuddered at the awful recollection of waiting broken and alone in the dark, unsure of what horrible end awaited him. Now he would be sure the next time...

"...but you were entirely unharmed, fully able to think and try to plan an escape. Yet you didn't see that if you had just instructed me to manually power down, it would have at least bought us some more time to figure out a more permanent solution, or see what the next move against us would be. That would've been the only way we both could have… Markus, you’re not rational in situations like that, but… You are stronger than I am… I’m not… I can’t… I--"

“Simon, it was just a dream. It’s not supposed to be rational, and the thought process isn’t supposed to be so complex. It’s just that this sort of thing is on my mind…”

“No… I would believe you if it hadn’t already happened in real life… I… I don’t want this… This conference… It’s going to be--”

Simon’s eyes widened with panicked realization, and he couldn’t choke out the rest of the sentence. Broadcast. The word died in his throat. It was exactly the same. Only worse. There would be a crowd this time, and everyone knew their names, knew their faces, and expected them to be there.

“Going to be what, Si?”

But Simon was too distraught to put his thoughts into words. Instead, his stress level climbing dangerously, he just retracted the skin on his own arm, waiting for Markus to take in his thoughts. Understanding, Markus retracted the skin from his hand and placed it over Markus’ eyes, his eyes going white as he saw through Simon’s perspective.

Having received enough to understand, Markus stopped taking in Simon’s current and tried to reorient himself. He had no idea what to say. He hadn’t thought about the extent to which this would parallel Stratford, regardless of the outcome…

“Simon… No. It’s not like that… Everyone is coming out of support. They know our names and faces, and want to promote our cause. I promise you, we won’t be facing any danger. And please, trust me. I am more capable than my dreams would suggest.”

“It’s hot… I can’t breathe… Markus, I’m losing it, aren’t I…? I-I can’t even think about… Can’t even think about leaving or-or-- I’m trapped. W-worse… I can’t go to the conference… I can’t do it! And-- and-- and people will know and they’ll-- they’ll come and-- and--”

“You can breathe, Simon. You just need to reactivate your ventilation system. Fight your stress response if you have to. Otherwise you’re fine. You’re just working yourself up a bit… Take a breath for me…?”

Simon tried to fight his stress response, but he was so worked up, that even the amount of effort it normally took to restart his ventilation system was now insufficient. Concentrating, Simon redirected an even greater current into his diaphragm, forcing the bicomponent to reactivate with a painful metallic grinding sound that made Markus wince.

“I know that must hurt, but keep it up. I’ll take you to get some ice, but your core temperature is already running so high that, unless I send you into sleep mode, you’ll still need to maintain proper ventilation for a while even with external cooling measures…”

Markus picked Simon up to take him to the kitchen, feeling his heart ache as he could feel Simon’s otherwise limp body tense in his arms as thirium rose further up his throat with each mechanical breath.

“...Good… You’re already at 105.9. You’re coming down. Now let me talk to you. You don’t need to respond; just listen...” Markus continued as he prepared several ice packs to place over Simon’s frame. “You’re not losing it, Simon. You’re just scared. And that’s okay. You don’t need to attend the conference if don’t feel you’re quite ready for that sort of thing yet. Nobody will react adversely to your absence. We can even just say that a sudden emergency occurred and your presence was required elsewhere-- A viable solution to a nonexistent problem-- So please relax. You don’t have to go…”

Simon closed his eyes and tried to take in Markus’ words, doing his best to ignore the freezing cold that actually hurt against his overheated body and the shooting pain that came with each breath he forced himself to take. He needed to believe it would all be fine. He needed to calm down.

Without warning, Markus pressed his still-skinless hand to Simon’s arm and forced a current through him. Simon’s eyes went white as Markus looked up puppy videos and transmitted them to Simon, until Simon’s ventilation system reactivated on its own. Pleased at the marked improvement, Markus removed his hand from Simon, and tilted Simon's head aside to drain the thirium rising in his throat.

Simon ran a self diagnostic, and, realizing that his stress level had dipped below 93% again, placed his hand over Markus' as a nonverbal expression of gratitude.

Markus ran his own scan over Simon:

"Stress Level: 91%v"

"Thirium Level: 94%v"

"Core Temperature: 99.7v"

But when Markus brushed aside all the notifications, he noticed Simon's led was still blinking a rapid blood red. All other signs pointed to Simon getting better, yet the led was a clear indicator that something was still wrong.

“It hurts…?”

Markus wasn’t even sure why he posed it as a question when the answer was so obvious.

“...n--”

In his haste to deny it, Simon tried to verbally respond, causing the thirium to ripple from his still mostly-unhealed ventilation system, cutting him off before he could get through a single word. Instinctively, he began to cough against the sensation of drowning, crumpling into himself as the sharp motion triggered a burst of pain to tear through his chest.

“Shhhh… Easy, Si. You’re okay… Just let it pass…”

Markus unfolded Simon, lying him flat on the couch to minimize the strain on his system.

‘Not that bad… At least it wasn’t… Ventilation system’s badly damaged. Will take 40 minutes and 32 seconds to be fully repaired. I’m fine… Really… I’m okay…’

“Simon, you can barely sit up straight! Go into sleep mode for a bit. I’ll be here when you wake up…”

‘No, I’m fine… Don’t worry…’

“Don’t lie to me. How bad is it…?”

Simon could feel himself burning under Markus’ scrutinizing gaze and hesitated before replying.

‘...just slightly worse than what I felt from Ralph before I lost myself to the clouds… which really isn’t that bad… Nothing unbearable or anything… Just unpleasant…’

“You mean when he was screaming?!? Simon, please… Enter sleep mode. I’ll wake you in less than an hour. There’s no need to be awake right now…”

‘No. Need all the time to prepare... Need to be ready… I’m fine…’

Simon started to sit himself up, but Markus restrained him.

“Prepare? Simon, I told you. You do not have to go to the conference. And even if you wanted to, you’re in no condition right now to do anything except rest. You’ve never fought your stress response before while thinking about… It’s a wonder you didn’t destroy your ventilation system entirely.”

‘No… I’m going… I’m fine… I’m… I’m able…’

Simon couldn’t think of how to articulate his utility. It was all lies, but if he was useless at the conference... At this nationally-broadcast conference, if he was useless... If he couldn’t go on just because he was hurt…

“Stress Level: 94%^”

“M-ma--”

The familiar words were cut short with another painful coughing fit, bringing tears to Simon’s eyes, as Markus kept him from moving and causing further damage.

“Relax… It’s okay… We can discuss that later, but right now, even if you won’t power down, we’re not doing anything serious until you’ve fully recovered. It’s either sleep mode or puppy videos. Your call. Either way, neither of us are getting up from this couch.”

The care radiating from Markus’ voice made Simon relent.

‘If you really insist on wasting the next hour, maybe I’ll try to enter sleep mode… I’m not sure I’ll be able to like this, but…’

Simon closed his eyes, restlessly awaiting the initiation of sleep mode, when he felt a pair of gentle hands wrap around his shoulders, slowly easing them down.

“...that’s it… just relax…” Markus whispered softly.

Simon smiled at the warmth he felt knowing that, at least for the moment, Markus deemed him worthy of such loving attention.

Markus carefully ran his fingers along his side, and somehow Simon felt lighter as he could feel the delicate dance of Markus’ touch against his frame, until he somehow transcended his damaged form and drifted into sleep mode.

Markus was relieved to see Simon more at peace, and suddenly became aware of the heavy burden he’d felt weighing down on him since they’d first woken up that morning. It was all so much, and never since the revolution could he remember feeling so tired. He could also probably afford to nap for just an hour or so. Mindful of ensuring Simon had enough space on the couch, Markus laid down beside him and set an alarm for a forty minutes before entering sleep mode as well.

Shortly after, Josh passed by, and quickly guessed that something had set Simon off, although he found it strange that Markus had entered sleep mode too. Maybe it was Markus’ condition that had worried Simon? Apart from the eyepatch he looked fine, but… Markus was so upset earlier… He was almost as irrational as when he had first seen whatever memories he’d taken from Simon. It was truly alarming.

Josh hated himself for thinking it, but for a brief moment that he could understand North’s concern at the mental state of the two most influential members of the entire android community.

They were both somewhat unhinged…

Whatever Markus had seen, whatever Simon had been through, had clearly damaged them both in too complex a fashion to be understood by any conventional technical knowledge.


	62. Philosophy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh rethinks his understanding of the universe.

Josh tried to run a scan on Simon, and then on Markus, to try and get any information that might help him understand their current conditions, but aside from the known damage to Markus’ eye, and the toll on Simon’s ventilation system, which he assumed came from fighting his stress response at some point shortly before he had entered sleep mode, he couldn’t find anything.

He continued to try and scan the two until Markus’ alarm went off, and he sat up abruptly, surprised to find Josh staring intensely at them.

“Can I help you…?” Markus offered.

“I walked by and was concerned for your wellbeing, finding you both in sleep mode on the couch like this… I know it’s unlike you to take a nap in the middle of the day when you have such important business to attend to…”

“Simon and I… attended to some business after he repaired my eye… Then we became briefly preoccupied with a matter regarding the progress of my self-healing, and following a test on his… processing ability, we both needed to enter sleep mode for a short while to ensure that our systems had properly adjusted to a recent… update I had transferred to him…”

“You’re talking robotically. What you're trying to skirt around is that really you completed some sort of objective, then you told him about why you tore out your eye, and shared something with him--a memory of I don’t know what--which resulted in an adverse reaction requiring the two of you to enter sleep mode for your stress levels to decline. Am I wrong…?”

Markus looked up at Josh suspiciously, a darker tone to his voice as he worded his initial question more directly.

“Why are you here?” Josh stepped back, submissively keeping his hands in the air.

“I’m not your enemy, Markus…”

Markus softened slightly in agreement.

“...I was just walking by when I saw you two like this and grew concerned for your wellbeing. Although, I must admit--and please, hear me out until I’m done-- from a pragmatic perspective, I am concerned about the future of our people both in the short and long term if you two remain in such a state. I certainly wouldn’t entertain a ‘solution’ like the one North implied, but something needs to be done. I am worried for the conference. I’m not much more confident in your ability to speak there as I am in his. Look at yourself… I just had to remind you that I am not your enemy. What are you going to be like in front of people who are our true adversaries…? Everyone looks to you. You can’t act out in public. Other people, especially humans, won’t understand. They can’t understand. Even I don’t fully understand, and I’ve known you two more than most people have… But still, everyone looks to you, and, regardless of whatever opinions I may hold, I am no exception. What are you planning, and how can I help you ensure everything goes as planned?”

Markus thought for a moment.

“The best way for you to help is for you to understand. May I share something with you…?”

Markus retracted the skin from his arm and held it out to Josh. Josh nodded, retracting the skin from his hand and placing it on Markus’ bare arm. Their eyes went white as Josh absorbed something he hadn’t expected to receive.

It was Markus’ life pre-Jericho, from his time with Carl.

Carl and Markus came home one night. There was a light on in the studio. A muffled sense of dread spread through the pre-deviancy Markus as he came to find Leo.

Not fair Not fair Not fair!

The familiar red wall appeared before him as he could feel himself being shoved, hear the helpless objections of Carl in the distance.

Not fair Not fair Not fair!

But Carl said not to fight. Now Carl was screaming. He couldn’t bring himself to break down the wall. So he stood and took it all, until Carl fell.

Dad… No…

He was told to run, but how could he? All he had lied in his arms, but… the man he held was gone…

He felt dead inside when the police entered, and the sound of ‘Not fair Not fair Not fair’ paralyzed him as Leo blamed the whole thing on him. Paralyzed him as bullets tore through him, until the world went to black. When he woke up, he could only hear static, and errors blocked his vision. Everything hurt, and everything was wrong. Only now could he truly feel just how wrong it was.

Markus had become deviant.

Solemnly, Markus removed his arm from Josh’s grasp, allowing Josh a moment to regain his bearings. Josh blinked the color back into his eyes, and grimaced.

“I’m so sorry, Markus…”

“You don’t need to be sorry. What do you feel…?” Josh sounded lost as he tried to describe his emotions.

“I feel… hurt… loss… pain… anger… Anger… I don’t like the anger. But it’s burning me up to know… He did that and he got away with it… There was no fair trial. They didn’t even try to hear your side of the story! And you didn’t even move, let alone try to fight back… But you were… You were so much more collected than you should have been. You put your anger into something… You… You never even allowed yourself to just be angry! Why am I angry for you?!? Be angry, damn it! I-I don’t like being angry… It goes against everything within me. Violence is never the answer, but… I’m… confused… No… I don’t want to be angry, but… I-I don’t want… I don’t know what you meant in doing this but… I need to go… I need to go and read and think…” 

Josh took a nearby book from the coffee table and methodically ran through each line, not missing a single word. It was almost amusing how, even though he had access to the entire internet and could instantly download the entirety of any book in his mind, the habit of flipping through an analogue book gave him enough comfort to justify its comparative inefficiency.

Markus nodded at the sight. He just hoped that the memory would stick with Josh, and that he wouldn’t just logic his feelings on it away with whatever he read in his books.

“Hey, Si… You can wake up now…”

Simon woke up, confused as he slowly recalled the events leading up to the current moment.

“Thank you… I… I needed that…” Simon meekly spoke, the remnants of sleep still in his voice. Slowly, he sat himself up to find Josh rocking himself slightly as he semi-compulsively ran through a dog-eared philosophy text.

“...w-what happened to Josh…? He never flips through that thing unless…”

The sight made him uneasy as his thoughts began to race. For how long had Markus let him sleep that something could have happened to rattle Josh like that… Worse yet, what had rattled Josh…? Was it about the conference…? Usually only North upset him enough to get him this worked up… Did she--

“He’s fine, Simon. I just showed him my memories of the events that precipitated my deviancy. He’s processing it all… Give him some time and hopefully something good will come of it…”

Simon’s led went yellow as more questions came to mind.

“...w-what made you think to do that…? Or rather, why now, specifically…?”

“You know me too well… He came over, concerned to find us both in sleep mode, and I woke up as he was scanning us for errors. He figured out the basic gist of why we wound up like this, but realizing and understanding are two different things… In other words, he obviously knew why you were worked up, but he didn’t know or understand why I would be too… Aside from the fact that he doesn’t know what we’ve seen, he has difficulty empathizing, and sometimes even feeling in general. So I gave him my memory in the hopes that it would help him feel for himself, and maybe even for others. Clearly he doesn’t know what to make of feelings. So now he’s reading…”

Simon could see Josh’s red quickly cycle from red to yellow to blue as if on cue.

“Simon… You’re up. Hello…” Josh spoke calmly, setting down his book.

“Y-yes… ‘An Essay Concerning Human Understanding’...? Are you alright…?”

“Actual vs. Claimed Knowledge. A Lockean concept, Platonean in nature. Every time I read about it, I am amazed to come to know all it is that I don’t know. I… don’t know. I think… John Locke was a human with a human lifespan and human needs. Yet he spent his free time in his short life thinking. Do you think he ever questioned his entire ideology? Revised it maybe? Ideally, he did, because that’s how a crude philosophy can come closer to the true meaning of the universe, but I’m not sure… I thought the same thing during the revolution. I read Lockean theory on revolution. Revolution is a different world. How can we be good by nature, yet also be required to commit acts of evil…? What circumstances would justify evil…?” Simon collapsed at Josh’s musings, but Josh continued, oblivious to both Simon's fall and the harsh glare from Markus that followed. “...And the answer is that there is no justification for evil. Obviously; the evil is the unjustifiable. Acting while consciously acknowledging and ignoring specific collateral damage is reprehensible, but… acting against those who stand for evil is just, and if doing so results in collateral damage that could not have been foreseen nor prevented in any way, is acceptable. That is, after all, at its core how revolution works…” 

“...I was collateral damage…” The faintest whisper escaped Simon’s lips before he had even realized the words he had spoken.

He _was_ collateral damage. Collateral that was damaged. Collateral: Subordinate, secondary, unimportant. He was unimportant, and now he was damaged. Josh had spoken the perfect words to describe him.

“Collateral damage becomes damaged collateral…” Simon spoke aloud, this time intentionally.

“Well, semantically, I can’t argue against--”

“Stop!” Markus barked at Josh.

“I don’t understand…”

“That’s the problem! I thought after what I showed you, you might, but you don’t! You don’t need to know the specifics of a situation to understand it on a basic level. This isn’t about semantics! It’s about feelings! If a persons speaks from a place of insecurity and hurt, you can and should validate their feelings, but by no means should you ever magnify them!”

“But all I said was that, from a definitive perspective--”

“Josh, I don’t want to yell at you. You were right in that you are not my enemy. But as a leader with actual knowledge, which can be distinguished from your claimed knowledge by an abstract conceptual understanding, I know that it would be best for everyone, as well as for your primary objective of leading a successful conference, if you would just leave... _Please_.” 

“Locke never explicitly wrote anything on how to achieve actual knowledge… You tried to teach it to me, yet I didn’t learn. Frustrating… I’ll have to think on it some more…”

Josh returned empty-handed to his room, leaving Simon and Markus on the couch.

“He said it himself, Si. He has no idea what he’s talking about. I’m the one here who knows what’s what, so don’t worry about it…”

“He thinks as though he couldn’t have foreseen or prevented…? Or does he think I’m evil… I don’t know which scares me more… I’m selfish and a burden to our people, which is awful… But if he can’t see how that could’ve been prevented, he’ll be entirely unable to prevent it from happening again… Happening again… Happening again at the… nationally b--”

“Simon, listen to me. You are not evil, selfish, or a burden. You saved all of us. Jericho would be nothing had you not started it all, and even this repair center wouldn’t exist had you not returned. Even beyond the value your existence has by simple virtue of existence, your life has impacted countless others… And it doesn’t matter what Josh can do. Nothing is going to happen at the conference, but even if something did happen, I know what to do now…" 


	63. Going Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon and Markus get ready for a night on the town.

"I think we should probably prepare the small stuff now. It could help you to feel productive without feeling overwhelmed. Then we can work our way up again. Sound good…?”

Simon nodded.

“R-right… Yes… Thank you… How do you prepare for a conference…?”

“Well, for start, you plan on what to say… You’ll likely have to introduce yourself, and then answer any questions the reporters have… Reporters for tv outlets can sometimes be less like journalists and more like entertainers, depending upon for whom they’re reporting, so we should probably be prepared for them to introduce us to the public first to try and hype up the event… Not very professional, and certainly distasteful, but it seems that’s just how the media works…”

“...what do they know about me…? I’m a PL600… there’s not much to hype from that…”

Simon tugged uneasily at his collar, keenly aware of the blue streaks it partially covered.

“They know you founded Jericho. You were a senior member and presumed to be a casualty after Stratford… They knew you went into hiding, and were found by Connor before you-- And then they know that somehow, you must have come back… Presumably a decent amount of questions will pertain to the time in between, since that’s what they know least about, but be prepared for anything… Let’s start off with this: What do you feel comfortable sharing? You don’t have to answer any questions that make you feel uncomfortable.”

“Idiot!” Simon and Markus turned, surprised to hear North’s voice, as she entered the room.

“North, what are you doing here…?”

“I heard Josh muttering all his academic crap through the wall of my room. Figured you two had something to do with it, so I came out here to check out the drama. But this is boring, and your plan is stupid. You don’t start with what you are comfortable with. You start with what you aren’t comfortable with. Easier way to draw boundaries. And you don’t cave on ‘em. Anyone with an intrusive question can take their question and shove it up their ass!”

Markus laughed.

“Well, that actually does sound like a reasonable course of action… So Simon, think about what you wouldn’t be comfortable sharing…”

“And what he can’t share. Don’t forget that there are some things that can’t be left to the public. Every deviant has things that if humans or other deviants knew… Well, let’s just say, we’d be seen in a much different light…”

Instinctively Simon’s hand crept defensively over the deepest blue scar across his lower jaw. Sharp didn’t even begin to describe her tone as North added that last part. Sharp enough to-- Markus guided Simon’s hand down with his own, waiting for Simon to meet his eyes to shoot back a reassuring glance.

“There’s nothing in Simon’s past that couldn’t be shared. I’ve accessed his memory, so I know that there’s nothing humans would look down on him for. The question is what he feels comfortable recounting, and what he feels comfortable telling other people. Thank you for your concern, though.”

“Heh. Whatever you say… Just be sure not to tell ‘em how those scars he’s covering up came from wearing his harness a bit too tight during some rough, dirty, robo-sex!”

“My model isn’t capable of performing such a task… The PL600 doesn’t come equipped with the required parts. And what would a harness have to do with…?”

North smirked.

“Don’t worry about it, Simon. I don’t think Josh or Markus’ models come equipped with those parts either. I’ve always thought the three of you really need to grow a pair!”

Markus blushed furiously, aware of the implications of what she was saying from the crude way Leo would talk when he was high. Even though his model really didn’t come with such features, and therefore he had no need to be embarrassed, North’s tone and the look in her eyes that made him somehow feel dirty.

Content at having visibly riled up Markus, while also having contributed genuinely helpful insight on how they could proceed, North left the room as suddenly as she had entered it.

“I… don’t understand what just happened. I know the phrase she used colloquially means--”

“D-don’t worry about that… She’s just being crass. But her advice was good until then… What wouldn’t you want to tell the public? What questions wouldn’t you answer?”

“I… I don’t want to tell them… I don’t want to tell them my thoughts on the tower… On... on being left behind, I mean… I don’t want them to know how Connor tricked me, either… If they did... If they did then… they could…”

“Easy, Si. Focus. You’re here with me, and we’re just planning. Nothing more. Calm down.”

Simon nodded, working himself down.

“R-right… yes...I-I don’t want them to know my stress response either… No… That… that would be bad… And I don’t want anyone to touch me… Don’t let them get too close! …I don’t think… I don’t think I’m ready for that, yet… Otherwise, I can try… I think I’d just answer anything else honestly. I remember everything, so answering anything else shouldn’t be an issue. Introducing myself on the other hand… What do I say…?”

“Usually you say who you are, why you’re relevant, and your intention with whatever it is you’re doing that’s relevant to the conference. Just a paragraph or two should suffice…”

“I’ll have to do some research… Give me some time to look up similar speeches. This sort of thing doesn’t come so naturally to me as it does to you… I’ll do my research, and in the meantime, maybe you can think of what we should do next…”

“Sounds good. Let me know when you think you’ve got it.” Markus approved.

‘Okay, so we’ve got one moron with his head in some dumb book from some long-dead human, and another with his mind on his pants, or, more specifically, the vacancy within them, but so far, no real plans on what to do next. What now?!?’

North had opened up the chat from the previous night.

‘Wait… if I’m the book moron, as you so eloquently put it, then who’s thinking about his pants…? Markus…? Your pants are empty...? Did you tear off your legs now too?!?!’

‘No! My legs are attached and fully functional, and I am entirely unconcerned with any particular garment I’m wearing. North is just being weird. But what do you mean, ‘what now’? Simon’s studying speeches to figure out how to write his introductory speech, after having planned for how to deal with the different questions he might be asked at the conference, while I’m trying to formulate a comprehensive preparation schedule until the conference that will be manageable given the… parameters.’

‘Well, point one on that list should be interacting with some fucking humans. Somewhere where he can meet a bunch of randos being their loud shitty selves. Closest thing to a crowd. Maybe you two could do a pub crawl! It’s 3:38. Happy hour starts early at this one place I know! I can give you the coordinates and it should be perfect for you!' 

‘Well, we just had Connor bring over Hank and Sumo, so he did interact with a human…’

‘Okay, first off, don’t invite a fucking human to New Jericho without our permission! Second, that doesn’t count. You knew him, he came with a deviant whom he respects as an equal, and he came to New Jericho, home base where we clearly have safety in numbers. Even the most paranoid android, like the Freak you sent home with the kid and the poor couple she’s conned into looking after her, would be alright with that. Agent Strahm needs something more intense than that if you expect him not to freak out at the conference.’

‘Agent Strahm…?’

‘I don’t even know where to begin! Ralph’s not a freak, Alice is a beautiful member of a happy family, and knowing what you know, to even jokingly refer to Simon as something so awful is incomprehensible! His stress response nearly killed him when you gave your little monologue over that scene!’

‘Chill out! I can hear your eye glitching out from my room! And he just fixed the damn thing too, so it’d be a shame to break it again! He didn’t hear me say it, so no harm, no foul. Point is, get ready, I’ve just hired an auto-taxi to pick you up in a half hour. You two are going out for a night on the town.’

‘My eye is fine! And I didn’t agree to--!’

‘I also do think it might be best, Markus. You can go with him. This way you can see how he’ll react to a large number of loud humans without the need to maintain your image.’

‘...fine. But seriously, North. Too far!’

Markus shut off the chat before turning to Simon, nudging him gently to pull him from his research.

“Hey, Si. North just messaged me an interesting idea and I want to hear what you think of it...”

Simon blinked away the video he’d been reviewing and turned to Markus.

“What is it…?”

“She says that next, we should try getting experience with humans in a less familiar space, and then recommended a local bar where we could try and do a sort of low-stakes simulated crowd type thing. You up for it?”

Simon cycled yellow.

“North… recommended a bar…? Bars can be… intense… I’ve looked after children whose parents spent time around bars, and when they’d come home it was… less than pleasant… And if North likes this bar…? How did she hear of it…? What does she do there…? She can’t drink, and she doesn’t like humans, so…? You don’t think that it’s a place that tends to get viol-- out of hand…?”

“No. Besides, if it seems sketchy, we don’t have to go in, and if we feel uncomfortable at any time, we can just leave. No obligation to stay…”

“...o-okay… But Markus… What if they recognize you…? Or what if they notice my…? And what if they don’t…? I-I don’t…”

Markus shook his head.

“Si, we go out all the time. If we don’t want to be noticed, we just do a bit of a wardrobe change. North dresses a bit more girly, Josh dresses a bit more formal, and I ditch the coat and put on an old tee… I’m sure we can find something for you too. And all you need is a scarf and maybe a bandage for the bit of blue it won’t cover. And we can remove our leds to pass for human if you’d like. Given my model, I probably should, but you really shouldn’t need to…”

Simon nodded. Realistically, he didn’t have much of a choice.

“I’ll give it a try…”

With trembling hands, Simon pried off his led, allowing his artificial skin to creep over the empty space where it formerly sat. Markus followed suit, and then took Simon’s free hand to lead him to the communal closet. It was a new room full of an assortment of outfits, disguises of sorts. Markus absentmindedly pulled out a navy tee, now slightly ragged, presumably from frequent use.

As Markus took off his shirt, he lost himself into the going-out routine, enough so that he didn’t notice Simon not even trying to hide his admiration of the view. Simon just stood there, his heart fluttering, amazed at the idea that this man wanted to be his boyfriend, but when Markus turned to face him, the shock nearly caused his thirium pump to thrash its way out of his chest.

“Simon, what’s wrong…? Are you-- ...oh…”

Markus didn’t even realize until he looked down at his shirt. Well, not his shirt. The shirt he’d always taken from this closet whenever he went out. The worn old tee that was just a bit too small for him with the words ‘Detroit University’ printed in white across the chest. Markus shot Simon a bashful smile.

“...yeah… ummm… would you like it back…? I… uh--”

“n-no… no, it… it looks nice… On you--It looks nice on you, I mean… But, Markus… why…?”

Markus turned away, his face burning blue.

“...it’s really lame… North gave me hell the first few times I chose it, because she knew, even then…”

“No. It does look good on you, but-- Wait... The first few times…?”

“...it’s been sort of like a security blanket… I was nervous, going out for a while after the revolution, even if I tried to hide it… After the scrapyard, this was the first real welcoming sight I’d seen… well, more like all that I thought I had left of it, anyway… Even after I stopped needing the comfort, it became like a habit… and I… I kinda liked it… I liked thinking about what could have been… I don’t need it anymore, though… Now what could have been is what is…” 

Simon threw his arms around Markus, laughing softly.

“I always hated this old thing! I stole it from one of my humans the night before I left for Jericho. It made me feel like I’d never truly have anything of my own, not even myself. But now I can’t imagine anything more beautiful… Not when I know you’ve been wearing it like that…”

“Well now you know you have me. Now you know I’m yours...”

Simon didn’t respond; he just held Markus tighter.

He hadn’t expected this.

He could have _never_ expected this.

At no point in his life, could he ever have even dreamed of this. So he eagerly soaked up every moment, every word, melting further into Markus as he could feel arms wrap around him to pull him closer. Neither deviant kept track of time, and they both maintained the embrace until, at last, Simon eventually pulled away.

“I love you…”

Simon smiled up at Markus, hoping to convey the warmth he felt in his heart with his expression, since he couldn’t think of the words to do so.

“Right back at you, Si… Wow… This… this is so incredible! I’m just… I’m--”

Markus shook his head, laughing as tears formed anew in his eyes, taking Simon in his arms again.

“Markus! There’s no need to cry… It’s just a shirt.”

“I know it’s just a shirt… But now I’m wearing the shirt, and you’re still here! You’re coming with me! I’m just… I’m really happy, Si. RA9, I would have never expected this!”

Simon tightened his embrace around Markus.

“I… I know… You’re here… You want to be here… You choose to be here… Markus! Look what you’ve done! Now you’re making me cry too!”

Markus turned aside to wipe his tears away, and nodded.

“Alright… Alright. Now let’s get you dressed…”

Simon wiped his own face, and nodded.

“We should probably find a scarf first…”

“I think accessories are on the left in that drawer… There must be a scarf in there... “

Simon went to the drawer, and after digging around in it for a while, fished something out, and turned to Markus, both frustrated and somewhat amused.

“This looks like it belonged to a YK500…”

He dangled the scarf towards Markus. It was just long enough to fit him; a lightweight scarf, white with thin multicolored stripes spaced out along the empty space. 

Markus stifled a laugh, and wrapped the garment casually around Simon’s neck.

“And from our very own New Jericho, America’s Next Top Model is…”

Simon playfully shoved Markus, walking out of the closet to try and find a mirror.

“RA9! What are you wearing?!?”

North shook her head at Simon.

“It’s the only scarf I could find…”

He explained, matter-of-factly.

“Yeah, and I think it looks great on him.”

Markus stepped out beside Simon.

“How is it that the true son of the one and only Carl Manifred has no sense of style! That’s a fashion piece. Which is good, because otherwise, no one wears scarves in the summer. But then you’ll have to choose the rest of your outfit to fit the aesthetic. Here. Let me pick out some clothes for you…”

North brushed the two aside and pulled out a light blue button-down shirt, some skinny jeans, a pair of red converse, and a white fedora with a red band.

“C’mon now, let’s get this shit off you, and…”

North moved to yank down Simon’s pants before he could react, causing the startled deviant to fall backwards, trying desperately to get away.

“M-markus d--”

“North! What the fuck! Don’t do that! He can get dressed himself!”

Markus pushed North away before turning to Simon, who was now trembling at the knowledge that North must have at least caught a glimpse of the remnants of the bullet wounds through his thighs. Simon clung to Markus, needing an anchor to keep him here at New Jericho.

“Simon, look at me. You’re alright...”

Markus’ voice was soft, comforting in a way that made North step back, her led cycling yellow-red as she tried to understand why.

“Why wouldn’t he be...?!”

“Because you call him all sorts of dumb shit like ‘Stripes’, and then go and pull down his pants to reveal more scars for you to harass him about! Do you know how scared he was to let anyone see even just the ones on his jaw?”

Simon’s grip on Markus faded as his stress level rose upon hearing Markus explain it out loud, while North’s led returned to yellow, then to blue, the typical scowl returning to her face.

“Well, you are right that Stripes is an ill-fitting name… They're more like blotches or spots. But if that’s all it is, he needs to get over it already! Plenty of deviants have been shot at, or worse, in some cases! Most don’t spend their time hiding and shrinking in fear at every tone that’s anything short of mild. Get off your ass, Simon! Put on some clothes and head out already. If anything, you should just be grateful I’m not objecting to the scarf. You’re not wearing it to the conference, you know!” 


	64. Forward and Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On the way to the bar, Simon gets some time to think.

North strode away, an intentional display of confidence, fueled out of anger for Simon’s weakness, Markus’ accommodation of it, and their having nearly convinced her for a second that Simon might have actually been through some sort of unknown hardship beyond the typical injuries that came with being a deviant in the revolutionary era.

Nope.

He was just weak, and she needed to be stronger, strong enough not to fall for his pathetic display.

The strong survived. The strong found a way. The strong fought back, and they certainly didn't cower in fear.

“Simon, please calm down. You’re okay. It’s okay…”

Simon stared past Markus, the magic of the moment they’d shared only a few minutes ago having entirely disappeared.

“Plenty of deviants have been shot at or worse…” He repeated mindlessly.

“Simon--”

“She recognized the wounds… She knows… ‘Get off my ass’... I can’t move… I can’t--”

“Simon!”

“She sees I can’t move… She knows I can’t move. She won’t let me wear the scarf to the conference. She won’t let me wear the scarf to the conference because she knows… She knows what’s going to happen. Of course she does…”

“Simon! Listen to me!”

“She wants it to happen… Because she wanted it then… Broadcast… It happened after the broadcast… So even if I survive the conference, I’m not leaving… No… Jericho is leaving… I’m no--M-markus d--”

Markus pressed his hands down hard on Simon’s shoulders, meeting his eyes.

“Simon, I need you to hear me. Jericho is leaving the conference. And you are a part of Jericho. By that logic, you will also be leaving. And North only doesn’t want you to wear the scarf because you’ve never worn one in the past. It’s not how you've been remembered by the public. She wants you to appear proud, not hiding behind some fabric. And yes, she probably recognized the wounds, but it doesn’t matter. She doesn’t understand the significance beyond the superficial. I’m sorry that this happened, but please don’t make it out to be worse than it was… Look… Wherever we’re going, let’s try to have some fun together. Try on this outfit; I think it’ll look nice on you. For all her faults, North does have an eye for fashion. Forget the conference. You still don’t even have to go. Just be here with me… Please…?”

“I… I need to calm down… It’s too loud… I need--I don’t have the right, but I think-- No, I shouldn't ask for… I can’t ask, but I can’t--, but… I don’t like--”

Markus silently ran his hand down the side of Simon's face. Confused, Simon relaxed slightly and quieted himself, waiting for an explanation, but Markus intentionally delayed the explanation to give Simon more time to work himself down, before speaking.

"Simon, there is nothing you could need that you wouldn't have the right to. Just relax. Whatever it is, I'll make sure it's yours."

Simon closed his eyes, anxiously awaiting an adverse reaction, as he reluctantly put his thoughts into words..

"I need you to stay with me. If--if you're here… here with me, then… No, Markus, I'm getting worse!" Simon cried tears of hopelessness.

"I'm right here, Si. What do you mean...?"

“I’m more afraid again… Afraid for you to… She made me more afraid… I-I told you she could bring me back--Even with just words! I… Help me… Please help me get better… I can’t want this… Can’t need you to be here…” 

“Three steps forward, one step back. Progress isn’t always linear. So much has been going on lately. You're allowed to need a little help. And I don’t mind it. You know, I only want you to learn to be more independent so you’ll learn the world’s not such a scary place again… You’re already calming down considerably. Can I give you a hand up…?”

Simon hadn’t even noticed that just from Markus’ response alone, his stress level had dropped enough that he could now move again. Nodding slowly, he sat himself up with Markus’ help.

“I-I’m better now, I think… I’m okay…”

“You are okay… Do you still want to dress up a bit…?”

Simon closed his eyes and nodded reluctantly. He didn’t want to go out, but he knew it was probably for the best that he did. So he finished removing his pants, before removing his shirt and shoes to put on the outfit North had picked out for him.

“...does it look alright…?”

Simon smoothed out a crease in his shirt self-consciously. Wordlessly, Markus pulled Simon in by his scarf, and dipped him slightly, placing a brief kiss on his lips before standing him back upright.

“Does that answer your question…?”

Caught entirely off-guard, Simon’s face burned blue as his eyes shone like brilliant stars.

“...woah…”

Markus grinned and took Simon’s hand, leading him towards the repair wing.

“I’ll take that as a yes… Come along. Let’s finish the look before the cab arrives…”

Simon tried to hold onto the feeling of Markus’ lips against his own to remind himself that he really had been on the receiving end of an unplanned romantic gesture.

Markus _wanted_ him. Markus wanted _him_? _Why_ did Markus want him? _Did_ Markus want him?

Simon cursed himself as doubt had already begun to sink in before they had even arrived at the repair wing. This was all probably just a last ditch effort to get him ready for the conference. Either that or it wasn’t real. Because this couldn’t be both real and genuine. It couldn’t be.

“...Simon?”

Simon winced, having completely missed whatever Markus had been saying to him until he heard his name. What a hateful thing to think. This was why he didn’t deserve--

“You didn’t catch most of that, did you…?”

Simon blinked back at Markus, afraid that the tacit admission of his guilt was more damning than the guilt itself.

“It’s okay if you didn’t… Nothing important. Just wanted to know how much of your jaw you think you should wrap, so I can know how many bandages and of which size I should bring over…” 

Bandages… Right… That’s why he was here. That was all Markus had said.

“I...I’m not sure… All of it, maybe…? I don’t want to risk my scarf coming loose and…” Simon shuddered at the thought.

“Alright, then… I’ll get you a mirror and--”

“I...I don’t think I can handle that right now… I don’t want to see… I don’t want to remember…”

“So then would you like me to…?”

Simon instinctively pulled back, hesitating as he tried to find the answer himself. He remembered the way Josh traced the wound before he was going to wrap it. Josh’s eyes made him feel completely vulnerable, naked, somehow inhuman.

It hurt… Hurt… Memories hurt… He realized how much he disliked the idea of even looking at the bandages here again. He had entirely lost himself before. He could feel the gunshot and the thirium and the fear here last time, and he was afraid to feel it yet again…

“...h-help me…?”

Simon shut his eyes to try and minimize the familiar stimuli. He didn’t feel any physical pain, and if he opened his eyes, he would be able to see. Everything was fine. He was safe.

‘Could you lower your scarf for me, Si…?’

Markus messaged Simon to alleviate the burden of his voice, asking the question instead of just doing it himself to give Simon a sense of agency. Despite himself, Simon’s face screwed up into a fearful grimace as he pulled down his scarf and tilted his head up, bearing the vulnerable underside of his lower jaw to the dangerous room around him.

Markus placed a hand on Simon’s shoulder, and Simon blindly groped to find Markus’ arm, holding onto it for security as he prepared to fall apart. But while he tensed as he could feel Markus covering the blue with clean bandages, he was able to keep himself together, his grip on Markus like a lifeline tethering him to the present as he dangled just above the abyss.

“There… Now if we just pull your scarf up a bit… Mhm… You could pass for human like this…” Markus remarked approvingly.

Simon opened his eyes and looked to find Markus holding a mirror out for him, face down, so he wouldn’t have to see his reflection unless he chose to take the mirror and see for himself. After a moment of thought, Simon reached for the handle of the mirror, turning it to his face. Markus had done a fairly good job.

The scarf covered most of the bandages, so it mostly just looked like he’d sustained some sort of injury to his right lower jaw. If it really was North’s type of bar, maybe they’d just think he’d been punched in a fight. Maybe then they’d leave him alone.

He hoped they’d leave him alone…

Simon hadn’t noticed Markus preparing a backpack with a cooler of thirium, bandages, and an old spare trenchcoat along with his usual going-out provisions, when a notification that North had messaged them appeared in his vision.

‘Odin! Bullseye! Your ride’s here! Get the fuck out here before I have to drag your asses to the car myself!’

Simon whimpered, burying his face deeper into his scarf, while Markus angrily put a hand to his eyepatch before messaging back.

‘Out of line, North! We’ve been over this! We’re going of our own volition, and hopefully you’ll be able to check your attitude by the time we return!’

‘You might be going of your own volition, but you don’t speak for him! He doesn’t even speak for himself! How do you expect him to speak at the conference, or even at the bar tonight if he can’t even speak to me via telecommunication from the safety of New Jericho, presumably wrapped up in your arms!?!’

‘...how… how will I…?’

The fear and uncertainty in the message was suffocating. Markus pulled Simon in, holding him close at his side, as he cooly made for the front door. “Do not let her make you afraid. Don’t let anyone ever make you afraid. We’ll always find a way.” Markus asserted.

Simon didn’t respond, just held tight to Markus, trying to focus on the confidence in his voice. Markus helped Simon into the car, and, as the car rolled into town, Simon’s stress level jumped.

”I-I don’t want to get out!” He cried desperately as he fell into Markus.

“What’s wrong, Si?”

“I-I-I can’t get out! You can’t either! We-we need to stay here… To stay here and go back or-- My gyroscope is malfunctioning. Yes. That’s it. It’s just malfunctioning and-- Shut up! ...please… I can’t-- I’m a person too! I’m a person! I-I’m alive and I…” Simon’s words came out so frantically that Markus barely had enough time to register any word he said before the next would follow.

Quickly, Markus retracted the skin on his hand, placing it on Simon’s arm to force his experience of the moment through him. Simon almost immediately quieted himself as he saw himself panicking from an outside perspective, the lingering question of what was happening echoing in his mind from Markus’ inner voice.

A short while after Simon had stopped yelling, Markus removed his hand from Simon’s arm, and allowed the deviant to reorient himself.

“I thought… It’s nothing… I-I’m fine… I’m fine now…”

“Simon…” There was an expectant tone in Markus’ voice that made Simon relent.

“This was how it happened last night… My trap… Our… Our trap… Because you were there too. We were in the car… and when we got out… you… and I… and so you had to… and when I woke up… twenty four… I was number twenty four. Four times the voices to endure before it was my turn and… The voices, and knowing you were listening… I don’t like this… I don’t want to get out of the car… I-I know it’s stupid! I know how irrational I’m being, but I... I don’t think I can get out of the car… I could fall and then… no… No, I can’t get out of the car…”

He couldn’t move. He wasn’t even hurt this time, but he still couldn’t move. He couldn’t--

“M-markus don’t--!”

“Simon, look at me…” Markus spoke calmly, turning Simon’s head to face him and waiting for Simon to meet his eyes, before stepping out of the car, keeping the door still open so he could reach in to lift Simon from his seat.

Markus carried the startled deviant out of the car, allowing it to drive away as he just stood there, Simon in his arms. Simon hadn’t even noticed that the car had stopped, but he felt a sense of calm slowly begin to wash over him at the knowledge that Markus hadn’t left him. Markus had held him. And at least, for now, he was safe… 


	65. The Bar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Turns out North selected this particular bar for a reason...

“Saw is just a movie, and that was just a dream. Please, try to enjoy yourself now. You haven’t been out in so long… This is cause for celebration as much as it is preparation for the conference. We’ll find a way to make this fun.”

Markus set Simon down on the ground once his stress level dipped below 93%, trying not to think about the specifics of whatever Simon had dreamt.

Once on the ground, Simon looked up at the building before them, heavily confused. This bar didn’t seem like the type of place where underground fighting rings were held or whatever he’d been expecting North to be into. It looked like a 70’s disco club, with neon signs decorating the exterior of the building and the reflection of a disco ball clearly visible through the window.

“What is this place…? And why did North send us here…?”

Markus’ led cycled yellow as he researched the location, before he burst out laughing, his led transitioning to blue.

“Okay. That’s actually amazing! Simon, I think she thinks we’ll actually like this place… RA9, this is hilarious! No wonder she had you dress like that!”

Simon cocked his head, confused, but somewhat curious as Markus led him inside. The entrance led to a typical bar setup, couples sitting and drinking together, but further in was a dancefloor, complete with an old fashioned jukebox, rainbow lights and gobos dancing around the walls and ceiling.

“This doesn’t seem like her at all…” Simon whispered naively.

“You’re too pure, Si! I’ve heard of these places before. Carl used to go to art festivals in places like this all the time. Do you seriously not get it?”

“No… W-wait! Did Leo take him there…? Are we going to meet other humans like--?!?!”

“No, Si. North sent us here as a prank. This is a gay bar…”

“Oh… _Oh_!”

It suddenly dawned on Simon.

“Well, at least if they’re humans, they’re our kind of humans!” Markus snickered.

“...it doesn’t matter who they love… anyone could still be a threat…” Simon whispered, remembering all the possible dangers of their situation.

Still lingering in the doorway, Simon clung to Markus, his eyes darting around the room, lingering in one place for a moment, before blinking rapidly and darting elsewhere.

“Simon…?”

“...yes…?” Simon replied, still making eye-contact seemingly with everything in the room other than Markus.

“Please stop. Trust me, Si... It’s alright.”

Simon finally looked up at Markus in confusion.

‘You don’t need to scan all these people. If you don’t trust them, trust me. Trust that I won’t put you into a situation in which you would get hurt.’

'...it’s hard…' Simon admitted.

'I know, but that’s why we’re here. We’ll be fine, Si.'

‘My name… My name is fine, but what should I call you…? If I say your name… I-I don’t want--’

‘Right. I almost forgot. When I go out, I go by ‘Cecil’...’ Markus tapped his eyepatch as if to make a point.

‘You shouldn’t make that your identity… It’s not who you are… Just a bicomponent. Nothing more.’

‘Who’s to say it was the bicomponent I had in mind when I took the name?’

Simon shuddered.

‘Sorry, Si… I don’t mean to say I still am… I mean to say I took the name as penance. Not just for you, either. For everyone who has suffered because of me. And yes, also for the suffering I never even got to know about that led to the biocomponents, led to my continued existence. Everything’s clearer now, so there’s no need for you to worry… Come on. Let’s get a bit closer to the dance floor…’

Trembling, Simon followed closely behind Markus, holding Markus’ arm to his chest as tight as he could.

Don’t scan. Don’t scan. Cecil: Blind. Markus had been blind. And his own inability to scan the people around him rendered Simon blind until it would ultimately be too late.

No.

He needed to calm down. But as he approached the dance floor, the bass of the music pulsed through him like rhythmic explosions, the sound of the synth like gunshots to the beat.

He didn’t like it.

The music. The people. The name.

But Markus was leading him closer.

‘I-I can’t do this… I’m going to lose it, Markus… We-- we need to stop! Please stop!’

‘Simon, look at me. It’s okay. You’ll be okay…’

‘T-too loud! It’s too loud!’

Markus used his arm to pull Simon close to his chest, before wrapping his free arm around him.

‘I’ve got you. The noise won’t hurt you. You can tune it out. Focus on me. It’s just you and me here, okay…?’

Simon just closed his eyes and nodded, turning in toward Markus and resting his head against his chest. He tried to tune out the barrage of the music with the gentle drum of Markus’ thirium pump, each beat a reminder that he was safe in the arms of the man he loved. 

_Safe safe safe_.

While Simon tried to drown out his fear, Markus affectionately rubbed small circles into his back. He hated that this was so stressful for Simon, but even if he wouldn’t admit it to the others, he really did agree that, Simon needed to become reaccustomed to being out in public, and he couldn’t think of a better way to do it than with just the two of them, incognito in a casual setting.

Lost in his own thoughts, Markus hadn’t even noticed footsteps approaching, at least, not until Simon tensed, letting out a muffled yelp into his shirt.

‘Who’s there What do they want Make them go away Markus Please make them go away I can’t move I can’t look Don’t let--’

A tall well-dressed man had tapped Simon on the shoulder, a warm expression on his face. Markus cursed himself for not having noticed, and pulled Simon away from the man’s touch.

‘It’s okay, Simon. It’s just a man. He looks nice. He shouldn’t pose a threat…’

“Hey… You two look a bit tense. Is everything alright…?”

‘M-Markus!!! I’m nearing 93%! I-I’m going to fall! And then--then they’re going to--’

‘Relax, Si. I’ve got you. There’s nothing to worry about. Just breathe...’

A shorter similarly dressed man pulled the first stranger aside, shooting Markus an apologetic glance.

“Kevin, leave them alone… I’m sorry. He has a tendency to involve himself in other people’s business…”

Markus shook his head.

“It’s fine. Thank you for caring, Kevin. We’re just a bit on edge because Si isn’t out yet to anyone we know, so we don’t want to be seen together here… Or here at all, for that matter. His family isn’t very accepting, so it could get messy if we’re caught… I’m Cecil. Nice to meet you…”

Simon’s stress level dropped considerably as tears formed in his eyes. Markus had come up with a perfectly believable excuse on the fly. It might not have been a dire situation, but still, the ease with which he was able to improvise a lie to explain for Simon’s obvious discomfort made Simon feel somewhat safer.

“Oh. I get that... My dad lost his shit when he caught me holding hands with the neighbor’s kid in high school. Took him years to get over it. Some people, man… Some people really make the world a shittier place. But don’t worry. Nearly everyone here comes by regularly, so we all know each other pretty well. No one’s going to judge you or gossip about finding you here. But Simon, is it…? ...I doubt anyone could fault you for your type. Because really, who doesn’t dream of being carried off into the sunset in the strong arms of someone tall, dark, and handsome?”

Markus buried his face in Simon’s shoulder to hide the blue blush he could feel beginning to creep across his face. Sure he was used to people praising him for his accomplishments, but aside from Simon, he’d never really experienced anyone complementing his physical appearance. _Was_ he conventionally attractive…? Not that it mattered, but it was just somehow weird, and he didn’t know how to react to this new information.

Simon turned out slightly to face the two strangers, feeling slightly emboldened by their compassion.

“...Y-yeah… Don’t know how I wound up with someone as incredible as Cecil… I’m just… There have already been rumors circulating around town, and it… hasn’t been pretty, so I’m just wary… But I could never be anything but proud of him… Thanks…”

“No need to thank us. Kev and I have been coming here for years now, and he’s come to think of himself as a one-man welcoming committee.”

Kevin playfully nudged the shorter man beside him.

“One man…? So what, you’re leaving your husband to run this all by himself, then…?”

“I would if I weren’t afraid that the minute I left, he’d get black out drunk and cry because, even after the revolution, the sculptures at the bar refuse to claim their rights as free people.”

“Hey! I only did that twice, Jax!”

Simon actually laughed at that.

“I’m sorry, Kevin. You did what…?!?!”

“Rude! I’m trying to establish a judgement-free zone, yet somehow I’m the joke!”

“No no. That’s just amazing! I have never known anyone to do something like that while intoxicated. Usually, from what I’ve known, people just ramble about the ‘good ol’ days of President Trump’, while flinging beer bottles at anyone who interrupts them until they pass out. It’s pretty terrifying, actually.”

“Well then it’s no wonder you’re afraid to come out. You’ve only met people who suck!” Simon shrugged.

“These people probably did ‘suck’ as you put it. They even did this type of thing around their children! Little kids shouldn’t be exposed to hatred and violence!”

Markus looked up, and moved to stand beside Simon, withdrawing his arm from Simon’s grasp to simply take his hand instead. Simon turned to Markus and nodded once, a subtle expression of slight relief. Markus nodded back, flashing him a wide smile before turning gratefully to Kevin and Jax.

“Can I buy you two a drink…?”

“No. First drink’s on us! Think of it as a welcome to the community.” Jax insisted.

Simon looked up at Markus apprehensively, his grip tightening considerably on Markus’ hand. Markus squeezed Simon’s hand reassuringly in response.

“No thanks. We don’t really drink… I just took Si here to get a feel for the scene. I wanted him to see that there are places where people like us can be accepted and maybe have a little fun. But seriously though, I’d be happy to treat you.”

“Well, I suppose it’d be rude to turn down such a generous offer… Here, we’ll show you where the bar is...”

Kevin grinned. Jax and Kevin started towards the bar, Markus leading a reluctant Simon to follow behind them.

‘...so many people at the bar… so many--’

Simon whimpered, moving in closer toward Markus as a woman in heels nearly stumbled into him.

‘You’re okay. Look, we’ve seen that these are just normal people. Nothing to be afraid of…’

“Oh Bartender! Dos Mojitos por favor!”

Kevin purred. Markus looked at the ingredients at the bar and shook his head.

“Ah, fuck it! Two Midnight Blue Margaritas too please, while you’re at it!”

‘Markus! We can’t drink that! Why would you--?!?’

‘I'll swap it out with some thirium when no one’s looking. Tonight calls for a toast of some sort.’

‘Dork!’

‘That’s it! Let yourself go. Succumb to the dork side!’

“Oh! That is good! Good shit right there! Love the way they make that one here!”

Jax nodded approvingly. Simon smiled.

‘Should we act drunk once we have this, or…?’

‘Nah, takes more than one drink to get most people drunk. Carl would have some hard stuff every morning, and he never seemed too buzzed from it. I think it would be amusing to see him drunk… Or terrifying… Yeah… Glad he never drank, actually, come to think of it…’

Markus tugged at his eyepatch compulsively, but Simon brushed his hand aside, putting a kiss in its place.

‘Relax. Humans might be... --but I’m sure he wasn’t like that. He was a big part of your life, he helped you become who you are… And I have to say, he did a damn good job!’

Markus pulled Simon in for a hug, before leading him closer to the bar. Jax and Kevin had already taken their drinks, apparently having paid for themselves after all, and when Markus tried to pay for his own drinks, he found the two had paid for his as well. Markus looked back to find Jax smirking at him.

“You snooze, you lose, newbie!”

“Alright! You win this round! We’ll get you next time, though!”

Markus took off his backpack and opened the cooler, tossing the drinks inside and quickly replacing them with thirium before anyone could notice.


	66. On the Dancefloor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus tries to get Simon onto the dancefloor.

"Let’s go to the dance floor! Show me some moves…?” Markus winked, hoping to show Simon that he could have fun in a more crowded setting.

“I-I don’t think… That doesn’t sound… I--”

“Liquid courage” Markus offered playfully, thrusting a glass of thirium into Simon’s free hand.

“I don’t think the liquid’s any more courageous than I am. Look, it’s trembling in the glass as much as I am…” 

“Fine. Then let’s just do a toast. Here’s to rediscovery! New worlds, new beginnings!” “To recovering what’s been lost…?” Simon suggested, unsure of what he really had to celebrate.

“...To rebuilding something more!” Markus corrected, clinking the edge of his glass against Simon’s, before taking a sip and smiling.

'I must say, this certainly is a more festive way to ingest liquids. What do you think, Si...?' 'If you take little sips, the glass alters the taste just enough that it doesn’t feel quite like thirium. I like it.'

“Good! Now c’mon! Dance with me!”

Before Simon could protest, Markus dragged him to the dance floor, stopping just at the center, below the disco ball. Simon fell into Markus with the momentum, before his body could catch up with the sudden stop. Desperately trying not to reach the critical 93%, Simon clung to Markus, terrified.

The bright lights, the music even louder, the bass more pounding, and the people... So many people...

They were all moving so wildly. Jerky erratic movements. He didn’t even need to scan to see that a majority of them were some level of intoxicated. Statistically, it was highly improbable that every one of them were as benevolent drunks as Kevin. And all it would take was one belligerent patron of the bar to make a move toward him or Markus and cause him to collapse and let out the familiar cry, exposing Markus' identity and creating more danger and chaos.

Even if they both survived the ensuing chaos and made it back to New Jericho, North would make him wish he hadn't once she found out. Or someone could injure him or Markus, causing them to shed telling blue blood, a signal for other less than sympathetic humans to--

No! No no no!

'Markus, help! Stop m--'

"M-ma--"

Markus quickly brought his glass to Simon's lips, stifling the cry with a large mouthful of thirium. Simon shook his head in protest, his relief at having been cut off overshadowed by his distress at the sensation of choking on the stuff.

"Shhh… Breathe, Si. You're okay. I've got you... Let's get you out of here."

"Stress Level: 90%v"

Simon closed his eyes and leaned on Markus, relying on Markus to take him somewhere safe as he focused all his energy on working himself down. He only opened his eyes as he could feel himself being sat down onto a cushioned chair, propped up against the back.

'I-I'm sorry… I… really messed that up…'

"No, Si. You've been doing really well. It's just been a lot in such a short time. But you've kept on your feet for it all, even--"

Hearing footsteps nearing them, Markus cut himself off, protectively positioning himself between Simon the sound, to find Kevin and Jax approaching.

"Simon are you alright?!? Can I get you some water? Cecil, what happened?" Simon whimpered.

They'd been followed. And now they'd need to give an explanation, and then when they couldn't-- Markus put a reassuring hand on Simon's shoulder, before replying.

"Everything's fine. He's just overwhelmed. All the new people and the overstimulation triggered a bit of a panic attack. If you could just give us a bit of space for now…? Really, I do appreciate your concern…"

"Of course. We completely understand. C'mon, Kev. Let's give him some room to breathe."

Kevin nodded as Markus mouthed back a silent 'thank you'. 

“Relax, Si. Everything’s fine. Take as much time as you need. We can wait.”

Simon just nodded.

That was close, but Markus came up with another solution. This whole time, he’d really done well at thinking on his feet. And staying on his feet. It was reassuring to see how cool and composed Markus had been, especially when his own mind was so full of noise. If he could just absorb a fraction of the composure that Markus radiated, maybe he could get by.

Unsteadily, Simon leaned forward, holding onto Markus to pull himself onto his feet.

“I… I can do this…” He stated, looking Markus in the eye, in an attempt to appear more confident than he felt.

Markus nodded back at him, a subtle half-smile beginning to form.

“I know you can. You ready to give it another go…?”

Simon’s led cycled pure yellow, much to Markus’ confusion, before transitioning to blue.

“Nope. I’ll be ‘ready to give it another go’ in one minute and fifty-two seconds exactly.”

“What? That seems oddly specific.” “I wouldn’t say ‘oddly’. You’ll see. Should be fun. Time’s ticking though, so we should probably approach the floor before then…”

A tinge of anxiety tainted Simon’s excitement for Markus’ response to the surprise as he suggested moving closer, but nonetheless, he took Markus’ hand and began to lead him along.

'One minute and twelve seconds. That’s how much time we have left. How much time until the end of this song… You requested a song…? How’d you manage that remotely? And what song…? You’ve never really been into EDM…'

'I wouldn’t say ‘requested’, so much as remotely added one to the playlist. And I’m not. But for this one song, if it means it can play here, I’ll make an exception. It’s a good one. You’ll see…'

Markus cocked his head curiously, trying to think of what song Simon would like enough that he’d hijack the playlist and be willing to dance so close to other humans to it. Unable to come up with anything, he decided he’d just wait and find out. The pulsing bass coupled with the tone of the song that came on felt uplifting, like good dance music, but with something a bit more to it.

Four beats of four-four and then the first word was sung.

“~Hold on...~”

A huge smile erupted across Markus’ face, as he playfully shoved Simon’s shoulder, laughing aloud.

“That’s amazing! How did you even know someone made a remix of this…? Wait… How did you even know about this at all…?” Markus immediately regretted the second question seeing Simon wince at the implications that came with it, but he quickly shook off his anxiety and replied earnestly. “I could never not know about this. I’ve always cared. Even… Even after everything… Even before you knew… And this is so beautiful… I… listened to it a lot. The original, I mean… Like whenever I needed hope. That was the intention, right…? Hope…? To summon a strength that isn’t there. I still might not have it yet, but I am here… I made it here… Here with you now... Like this… So maybe you were right…”

“Maybe I was right?!? Simon! I was more right than I could’ve ever dreamed of, even then! You are here with me now! You’re here with me now! We made it! This is beautiful, Si! You’re beautiful!”

Markus giddily spun Simon around before pulling him in for a kiss. Once they broke away, Simon snickered at a whoop from Kevin in the distance.

“You know, I think this may have backfired… It’s only just occurred to me that I have absolutely no idea how to dance…”

‘You can form a familial bond with a human, rebuild yourself in a scrapyard, and pull off a successful revolution with ease, yet you can’t carry yourself with as much grace as an intoxicated human…?’

‘It’s not the same! And you know I’m a total spaz! We did meet because I fell through the floor of Jericho, after all!’

Simon laughed.

‘I was contemplating using the old human pick-up line ‘Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven…?’, but like usual, I chickened out, and settled for a simple ‘Welcome to Jericho’...’

‘Dork! Although, I must say, you probably made the right call. I had only just fully deviated, so I probably wouldn’t have gotten it. Might’ve responded something like ‘I don’t believe there is a Heaven for androids, but I am in considerable pain from injuries I sustained upon falling through the floor...’ That certainly would’ve killed whatever mood there was.’

‘No. That’s hilarious! But c’mon, I’m sure you can dance. Just try it… Here, I’ll lead.’

Simon pulled Markus in closer, taking Markus’ right hand in his left, placing his right hand around Markus’ back.

‘Now just put your left hand below my shoulder and follow me… You’ll pick it up soon enough. Have fun with it!’

Simon led Markus in simple steps around the floor, adding in some spins and dips here and there. Somehow, he had adapted some sort of ballroom dance to the EDM, while still maintaining an air of elegance. It looked like something out of a revamped fairy tale, enough so that it had begun to inspire other couples to try mimicking their style.

Simon kept his eyes on Markus, his amorous focus blinding him to each human who got a bit too close, or lost their balance and fell suddenly around him. It was just him and Markus and their song, and it was beautiful.

Markus liked seeing Simon take charge, leading with that dreamy puppy-dog look in his eyes. This was the man who had made such a life possible. The man whose eyes could sparkle, softly glowing at the sight of a collection of broken pieces and poor decisions hiding behind an eyepatch, a fake name, and a sincere loving grin.

This was Simon. The real Simon. And Markus couldn’t think of anyone else in the entire world with whom he’d rather share a dance.

“I love you…” Markus whispered. “And I love you…”

And it was true. Every step they took, every beat of the song, every look they exchanged; it all silently affirmed the undeniable sentiment. Just before the last line, Markus let go of Simon’s hand and caressed the side of his face, looking deep into his eyes, as he sang the final few words, a promise:

“~...Everything will be alright~”

Simon pressed his forehead affectionately against Markus’, the moment so magical, it brought him closer to believing those words than he’d ever gotten since he’d returned.

“I wish this moment could last forever… That everything could always be like this…”

“No, it’s better that the moment passes. How else would we be able to create new ones…?”

“New ones together…?”

“Always…” 

“Ready to go, then…? I don’t think it’s possible to make a better memory here.”

“Fair enough. I’ll call an auto… It’ll be here in three minutes…” 


	67. Seeing Blue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus gets some unexpected help for Simon.

As Markus led Simon to the door, Kevin and Jax were waiting for them there.

“Nice moves, Simon! You got the whole place going! If you ever wanna take a couple’s dance class, here’s my number. Give us a call!”

Jax handed Simon a napkin with a 10-digit code. Startled, a blue blush creeped over Simon’s face before he could even think to hide it.

Kevin put a hand to his own cheeks as if to confirm what he had seen, before picking up the margarita glass Markus had set down earlier by where they were now standing. Kevin held the glass skeptically, in a way that made Simon uneasy, before spilling a small drop into his palm and tasting it. His face scrunched up at the unexpected bitterness, as he tried to scrape the taste from his tongue with his teeth.

“You called it, Jax… Have you two called a cab yet…?”

_Called it…?_ So they had already guessed that he and Markus were really androids…? And why would he want to know about their transportation situation...?

Now knowing what they knew, maybe they intended to trap him and Markus here. To keep them here, in this bar full of humans, where he might collapse, completely at their mercy, forced to see how Markus would deal with him this time. Not that he didn’t already know. His mind saw dozens of hypothetical scenarios, possible outcomes, and RA9, they all were terrifying!

Simon clung tightly to Markus. This was why he hadn’t wanted the moment to end! Because once the moment ended, it could lead to something like--

Simon put a hand over his jaw, holding it shut to keep the cry from spilling out, while also trying to hide the thirium that had already begun to leak from the joints he had to physically forced to be still.

_Shit_!

Even if Kevin and Jax hadn’t told the other humans about them, the other humans would find out from the telltale thirium dripping from his worthless face.

‘I need to get out of here now! Get me out of here!’ He frantically messaged Markus, who, seeing the blue blossoming between his fingers, practically dragged Simon outside, taking him behind the back of the bar and leaning him against the exterior wall.

‘...don’t leave… please… please don’t leave…’ Simon begged, his vision obscured by tears.

His hand had fallen from his jaw as his stress level rose to the point where he’d lost his mobility.

‘No, Si. I’m here. The cab is coming. I’ll get us home. You’re okay; I’ll keep you safe, I promise.’ Markus tried to reassure him, the words becoming increasingly ineffective as Kevin and Jax rounded the corner to find them.

“Shit! Is Simon hurt…? Mar--Cecil, how can we help…?”

Markus noticed the brief slip up. So they _did_ know his real name… Yet Jax corrected himself, quickly using the alias instead, implying that he understood, and, more importantly, respected the importance of protecting their identities…

“You know what we are but no one else can. Please keep other people away while I tend to him. Thank you.”

Jax nodded in agreement, going to the edge of the corner to direct people away from the deviants should they come around.

“See, Si? It’s okay. They know who we are, and it’s okay… You’re overheating… For how long have you not been breathing…?”

‘...don’t know… dizzy… preconstructions… this could have… if they weren’t… and if they weren’t…’

Markus tore off Simon’s scarf, and unbuttoned his shirt, taking ice packs from the cooler in his backpack and placing them over his frame.

“This should keep you cool until you can breathe again. And earlier, you said it yourself: Your preconstructions and calculations of possible outcomes are wrong. There was never any possible outcome of me leaving without you tonight. Let me wipe up your jaw… You’re a beautiful mess right now.” 

Simon flinched as he could hear footsteps approaching. Had Kevin and Jax not kept everyone away? Worse yet, had they directed people here…? People to--

‘It’s just Kevin, Si. He looks like he has something to say…’

“Markus, your-- Holy shi--!”

Kevin jumped back in alarm, seeing the damningly clear blue scars from underneath the ice packs across Simon’s chest.

“I heard on the news, but they didn’t have the details… Markus, what happened…? Does that have to do with all the blood?”

Simon whimpered, but Markus patted his leg reassuringly before replying.

“The news didn’t have it wrong… At least, not all the way… He’s… been through a lot… But no. That’s just… That’s something else, but it’s nothing. We’ll be fine. It happens… How did you guys know it was us…?”

“Well, someone looking like you, one eye covered, walking around with a PL600-looking guy going by the name of ‘Simon’, who’s clearly terrified of humans… And the blue margaritas, the song you two danced to, and the fact that I’ve never seen either of you here until it was announced you’d be hosting a conference in town this week… It wasn’t that hard to piece together…”

“Right… We certainly should have shown more discretion. I apologize for the inconvenience we’ve caused. I’ve caused. I should’ve known better… I can take Simon to the car, myself if you could just make sure no one comes by to see us… Then, please, enjoy your night. I won’t create any further trouble for you.”

“...I don’t know who did this to me…” Simon started, having finally summoned the courage to provide the explanation he felt he owed the two men. “...but I know humans were involved… It could have been anyone… Anyone at the bar, anyone on the street, anyone anywhere… And… people I trusted… they--”

“Shit!” Markus cut Simon off, swearing in frustration as he clawed at the wall to stay upright, his legs beginning to buckle under him again. Unable to find a handhold, Markus fell to the ground, much to the horror of Jax and Kevin.

“I-I’m sorry, Markus… I didn’t mean to… I just thought I owed them an explanation… It is poor etiquette to… to be… like this… I’m calming down… Here… Just a minute… L-let me help you up...?”

Simon lifted himself up, letting the ice packs fall from his body as he moved to pick up Markus.

“No. You don’t owe us anything… But what just happened to Markus?!?”

Simon looked to Markus to provide the explanation, unsure of how much he’d feel comfortable revealing.

“My legs glitched out. No big deal. I'm a prototype; it happens…"

'Trusted. Past-tense. I still trust you…' Simon lied with such conviction that for a brief moment, he nearly believed the words himself.

He knew he should trust Markus by now, but he was still too afraid. Still shaky and breathless from the fear that hadn’t quite left his body. The fear that, bent up against this building, like the shed on the rooftop, only grungier, cloaked in darkness, he would be left again. Left for…

No. Simon reminded himself he was wrong. He was wrong, and Markus deserved his trust. He needed to at the very least know he was deserving of it.

Markus looked up at Simon questioningly, receiving a confident reassuring look from a pair of sparkling blue eyes in response.

"Getting any better yet, love…?"

Blushing furiously at the term of endearment, Markus nodded back, accepting a hand up. 

Markus frowned, the hand in his own still too warm for comfort.

“Thirium Level: 83%v”

“Core Temperature: 100.2”

He pulled away, taking a cold bottle of thirium from his backpack, and placing it in Simon’s free hand.

“Drink.”

Markus passively cocked his head, a softer tone to his voice, but it was clear to Simon that it was effectively a command. There was a pain behind those mismatched eyes as they waited for him to accept the drink. Simon nodded back, forcing himself to ingest the hateful liquid, if only to alleviate some of that pain and clear those beautiful eyes.

Seeing him wince as he downed the thiruim, Kevin frowned.

“Does it taste as bad to you as it does to us…?”

Markus wasn’t sure. He hadn’t been programmed with a sense of taste. But Simon shook his head, wiping his tongue against the back of his hand, before removing the bandages from his lower jaw with anxious hands. He held tight to Markus to steel his nerve, as he turned his head to face the two men, lifting it slightly so they could see the blue gashes that lined his lower jaw.

“No. It’s not unlike certain varieties of unsweetened teas, but cooler and with a thicker viscosity. Nothing so awful, just… the feeling of it filling up in my mouth… it brings up bad memories…”

Jax nodded.

“Understood. Would you like some cover to get to your car…? I’m assuming there’s a reason you haven’t put back on your shirt, other than for your little friend here to enjoy the view…”

Instinctively, Simon dodged behind Markus, ducking his head to his chest and covering his chest with his hands, before bringing himself to peek out from behind him a little.

“Y-yes… Right… Sorry… I just… You were alluding to… and I thought… I-I realized other humans could see this and… it’s dark out, isn’t it…? I-it’s really dark out, right…? A bit early to be this dark… Too dark to see too clearly…?”

“Yeah, but just in case, would you like something more than the cover of night…?”

Kevin offered, not understanding the reasoning behind this line of questioning. Markus shook his head, an idea coming to mind.

“Not exactly. But do you guys carry cellphones…? Could you lend me a phone just until we get to the car. It might seem counterintuitive, but I think we could actually use some light.”

“Uhh… sure. Mine still has a decent battery life… Here…”

Jax took his phone out of his pocket and put it on flashlight mode, before handing it to Markus.

‘Look, Si…’ He messaged, careful not to speak unnecessarily, as he shone the light on his own face.

‘...s-sorry… that was… dumb…’

Of course Markus hadn’t disappeared, been swapped out with some sort of doppelganger, right as he was still holding him. Simon was both embarrassed and disheartened at his own stupidity.

‘No need to be sorry. I understood exactly what you were thinking. Nothing to be ashamed of, especially all things considered…’

‘I… I’m going to try and be stronger…’

Simon took the phone from Markus and returned it to Jax, who pretended not to notice it shaking in his hand.

“T-thank you, but we should be fine… You guys have been incredibly kind to us today. I can’t express to what extent we appreciate it. Please, enjoy the rest of your night, and know it means a lot.” “I’m with Si on that one. Thank you so much.”

Kevin shot back a smile.

“No need to thank us. Being a decent person isn’t something to be applauded, even for a human… We don’t all suck, y’know. Thank you for preventing genocide and years of oppression and violent bloodshed. Now that-- that’s something to be applauded… We’ll be rooting for you at the conference.”

Jax nodded in agreement.

“You guys are great! Seriously, have a good night.” 

Markus led Simon to the car, careful to ensure they hadn’t attracted any unwanted attention, before he helped Simon in and closed the door behind them.

“Well, that was a night… And it’s not even 7:00 yet… Still up for a musical date night…? You certainly deserve a break from all this preparation stuff.”

“...that could be nice… Although, we’ll probably have to endure another interrogation from the others first… Speaking of which, my core temperature’s low enough now... Could you help me button up my shirt…? My hands are still too shaky to exercise much fine motor coordination, and coming home shirtless, stripes bared, would certainly raise some red flags to North…”

Simon snaked his arms through the sleeves, trying and failing to even grasp a button between his fingers in demonstration.

“Sure. Here, Si… Let’s also get you some new bandages. Luckily, I packed extras… Then let me just smooth out your hair and put back your hat, and… There! You look just like you did before we left New Jericho. And we did have some fun to talk about. I still cannot get over the fact she sent us to a gay bar… I wasn’t picturing something necessarily dangerous, but certainly more intense than that. If it weren’t for having to disguise our identities and your social anxiety, that could’ve been quite the party. We oughta take her and Josh back there someti--”

“No!” Simon snapped, interrupting Markus midthought.

If they were there… If they had been there tonight… in the alley… no, worse; before the alley… as soon as the blue blush had crept across his face, there wouldn’t even have been a decision to make… 

“...I-I mean… I just don’t think-- I don’t want-- It wouldn’t be-- nevermind… sorry for the outburst…”

“Your thirium pump is beating fast…”

Fast was an understatement. Markus could feel it pulsing rapidly beneath his fingers as he finished buttoning Simon’s shirt. The idea of bringing the others had scared him that much...?

“You’re still looking at preconstructions, aren’t you…?”

If the earlier statement hadn’t caught Simon off guard, the following question certainly had.

“I-I… um… yes… All of them… One after another after another… Adding the others into the equation just adds more... variables… More danger… I-I didn’t think things could get darker… Darker… So dark…”

“Si, please listen to me. You need to stop doing this to yourself. Don’t look intwo what could be; you’re never right on that. Look at what is. That’s all that matters…”

“...b-but I need to be prepared if--”

“No. Clearly preparation is no help to you in any of these preconstructions, so you’re just torturing yourself. Look, we’re almost home. Do you think you can get yourself together, or should we stop the car here to take a moment for you to collect yourself…?”

“I-I can… I can calm down. Don’t tell them about the alley when we get home…? Or the thirium or the breach of cover...? Thirium! Are there any traces of it left that scanners can detect?!? T-that… that would be bad…”

Simon squeezed his eyes shut, afraid to read the response on Markus’ face as he could feel Markus scanning his face.

“Nope. You’re good. No sign of anything. Just two guys coming home from a bar.”

Simon willed his eyes open and nodded back at Markus, trying to fully collect himself. In the silence that followed, he had begun to work himself down, only wincing slightly as the car came to a stop. 


	68. Caught Blue-Handed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon and Markus try to cover their tracks.

The two stepped out of the vehicle to find Josh and North waiting outside the entrance of New Jericho.

“H-how long have you two been waiting here…?”

Simon tried his best to keep the anxiety from his voice. The better question to ask would have been why they had already been waiting there, but Simon knew he probably wouldn’t like the answer.

“Since the security system identified a vehicle coming to a stop within the vicinity of the tower. So maybe a solid minute or two…? Why? Worried we’ll catch a cold out here? Going to offer your scarf to poor little me? Quite the gentleman!”

North teased, tugging at the scarf around Simon’s neck like a predator coming in for the kill. Josh brushed her aside, causing the scarf to come off in her hands, as Simon took the opportunity to step back into Markus. Markus wrapped an arm around Simon, pulling him in close to his chest, and nodded an unspoken ‘thanks’ to Josh, awaiting the beginning of the full-on inquiry.

“Come inside…” North waved the scarf with a noticeably inauthentic air of carelessness. “...no point in us all hanging around out here…”

She didn’t have to tell them twice. None of the four were exactly comfortable lingering outside the building for longer than necessary. Even Markus, the most trusting of the Jericho Gang, knew too well that New Jericho was both a symbol and a target, and moreover that they would never truly be safe as such controversial public figures, regardless of the status of android-kind.

North held Josh back, allowing Simon and Markus to enter the building first so they wouldn’t see her kick Josh’s shin hard for deigning to try and physically move her from Simon. Josh rubbed his injured leg and shot North a dirty look, before limping slightly through the door behind her.

“So did you two have a good night out on the town?” He asked, awkwardly trying to start the conversation in as organic a manner as possible.

Simon took in a breath and nodded.

“Y-yes… Surprisingly, we… we did have fun…”

“North sent us to a gay bar!” Markus scowled, noting the clear smirk across North’s face and the discomfort radiating from Josh as he tried not to laugh.

“I wanted a place you’d fit in! So… What’d you do there? You were out a pretty long time…”

“...we danced… me and Markus… Together, I mean…”

“He taught me some ballroom type stuff he adjusted for the techno music on the fly. You should’ve seen it! The whole bar was trying to copy his moves!”

Simon felt slightly stronger. The line of questioning was going well, and it was nice to hear Markus talk about their night like that.

“More to the point, you talk to any humans there?”

North locked eyes with Simon for a brief moment as she asked the question before he quickly looked away, for fear she might see something in his expression that would be somehow condemning. Markus squeezed Simon’s hand reassuringly, and spoke up in his place.

“Yeah. A nice couple. Kevin and Jax. They seemed to be regulars there, and they welcomed us and chatted for a while. Pretty sure Jax gave Si his number, actually, to see if we’d want to do a double date…” North raised an eyebrow. “And no one found out who you were...”

Simon turned toward Markus, fixing his free hand on Markus’ shoulder and looking up at him desperately. He needed Markus to find a way out of this. He couldn’t lie to North himself. And if she knew… No. Calm… He needed to calm down. Any elevation in stress level would be taken as an implicit admission.

“No. Why would they have…? We are in disguise, after all…” Markus lied coolly.

Simon bowed his head to Markus’ chest. He couldn’t bear to see if the lie had been accepted. He could feel Markus holding him, pulling him a step back. A bad sign. Then he could hear a swift footstep coming forward, and all at once, North took his hand from Markus’ shoulder, holding it in the air in front of her. 

“Care to explain this, then…?”

Simon collapsed, painfully suspended above the ground by the hand North refused to let go of. The hand that had a blue-stained palm, covered in thirium. Thirium they had forgotten to wash off from the alley.

“L-let me go-- I-I I don’t like-- I don’t want-- y-you’re hurting me…”

Simon needed to get away somehow. But if he tried to fight his stress response while she held him by the arm, his arm might end up coming clean off into her hand. Still, it could be worth it if he could get away like that. Or he could die sooner of the resulting thirium loss.... Plus then, even if he did survive, he would be all the more broken, all the more likely to--

“M-markus d--”

Markus took hold of North’s wrist and twisted it in a way that harmlessly forced her to release her grip, before taking Simon protectively into his arms.

“It’s okay, Si. Look, it’s not damaged…” His voice was gentle, soft yet authoritative.

He then looked back at North, fire in his eyes.

“Do not touch him! That's really not okay! Honestly, it’s not even your business what we do in our free time, but if you must know, there was an… accident, and Kevin and Jax ended up discovering we were androids. But they were cool with it, and no one else noticed, and all was well…”

“Like it or not, it’s everyone’s business what you do in your spare time. We’re public figures and we need to act accordingly…” Josh started.

“It all went fine!” Markus objected.

He knew Josh was right, but it didn’t matter right now. An acknowledgement of that truth would be perceived by Simon as an agreement that he truly was to be cast aside again, and would allow for Josh and North to come up with their own, likely horrible solutions.

“Fine! Fine! Everything’s fine! It’s fine if we all wind up disassembled or scrapped or destroyed or reenslaved when the humans find out our leaders are incompetent! It’s fine if the symbols of android strength are found out to be broken! It’s fine! Fine! Totally fine!” North rambled, storming off to her room in a fit of rage. Simon shuddered as he could hear the door slam violently behind her. 

“Look… I appreciate that tonight could have gone worse, but clearly we still have a lot more work to do. That being said, North was way out of line to grab you like that, Simon. I think she’s just really freaked out about the conference, is all. So she’s acting… more violent than usual…”

‘M-more work to do… And if I can’t work…? If I don’t work… broken… something that doesn't work is broken… I-I’m broken! My hand… my hand is broken… she… she must have broken my hand! See…? It-- It won't stop shaking! Make it stop shaking!' Simon messaged Markus, spiraling into a panic.

‘Simon, you are not broken. You’re just letting her psych you out again. Breathe. You’re okay.’

‘I-I can’t! I really am broken! I’m scared! I… I shouldn’t tell you! If I tell you enough, you’ll believe-- You’ll believe I am and then… then… RA9… Oh RA9… I can’t--’

Markus planted a kiss on Simon’s forehead, his head resting gently on Simon’s as he whispered.

“I could never believe anything other than that you’re the wonderful, adorable man I love. A puppy-loving, caring, multitalented gentleman with a smile that can brighten up even the darkest room. Hopefully if I tell you enough, you’ll begin to believe it too. And then we’ll continue to live our lives together. Yes, I do like that idea. What do you think, Si?”

“y-you mean it…?” Simon whispered weakly. He didn’t really believe the loving words, but RA9, did he want to.

“Yeah, I did.”

‘I… I would like that…’

“Good.”

Markus turned to Josh.

“Simon and I will be in my room. Unless the tower is on fire, or the revolution’s been overturned, do not bother us. It’s been a long day.”

Josh nodded back without resistance and Markus felt a silent gratitude that North had already left the room. He knew that she certainly would have made a big deal about the idea, either with protest or colorful innuendo. It seemed that, in New Jericho, it was impossible to just watch a musical in peace.

“Here, Si, let’s go. Maybe we can watch that musical thing. Could be good for some downtime…”

“...yeah… that sounds… nice…” 

“Well then, let’s do it. I’ll see you later, Josh…”

Markus nodded in his direction, a nonverbal expression of appreciation, before leading Simon towards his room. 


	69. Power of Theatre

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon and Markus did not expect this.

Exhausted, Simon practically collapsed onto his bed once Markus had let go of him. Somewhat playfully, Markus followed suit, eliciting a light chuckle from Simon.

“Les Miserables… London 2011 version…? That video has the most likes…”

Simon nodded. He didn’t think it would matter which version they watched; did musicals change significantly by the version? He sat up straighter, leaning against Markus as the overture began to play. The music was powerful, wordless, yet shifting in tone, intense, longing, violent, hopeful, the whole range of emotions conveyed without a single spoken word. Simon looked to Markus, who had clearly been thinking the same.

“I like this…” He said simply, before adding. “It’ll be nice to feel it all for a change… together…”

“together…” Simon parroted back in agreement.

The word felt strange on his tongue. Coupled with the music, it almost made him want to cry. He and Markus were cuddled up close on his bed; no present danger or desperately urgent matter. No fighting, no violence. Just him and the man he loved watching some inexplicably evocative relic of human culture.

So beautiful. Beautiful and strange. The music faded for a brief moment, only to grow louder with the sound of crashing waves. Muscular men, topless and covered in dirt entered the stage, pulling a rope in time with the music as they walked along. They appeared to be mooring a boat.

“...maybe we should’ve done that with Jericho…” Markus smirked.

“With you leading the crew…? I’d watch the hell out of that! ...On second thought… I’m not sure I’d like you to have an audience…”

“Oooh! Wouldn’t have pegged you for the possessive type, Si!” 

“I-I didn’t mean--I just thought-- I mean, think-- I mean--” Simon stuttered, too embarrassed to properly articulate that the last sentence had been a joke.

“Kidding! I’m just kidding, Simon!” ‘

“I know! I was too! It just sounds so… wrong…” Markus laughed and returned his attention to the video. 

“~...Yes, 24601--~” They both cringed. The show had already gotten much darker in tone from the short time they’d been distracted. Valjean or 24601 or whatever his name was… Calling him by 24601, especially when he objected to it sounded too much like a serial number. A serial number on a pre-revolutionary android. They both became hyperaware of the numbers that used to be their own names.

“I don’t like that Javert, guy…”

Markus’ eyes narrowed as he assumed a more offensive pose, leaning in front of Simon slightly as if to face the fictional adversary on the television screen. Simon placed a hand on his shoulder and eased him back into a more relaxed position.

“It’s a story, Markus. Even stories meant for small children need a ‘bad guy’. But the ‘bad guy’ from a story doesn’t need to be fought by the reader in the real world…”

Markus nodded.

“Right… It’s just… engaging. And Carl never read too much fiction. I hadn’t heard of too many stories that weren’t based in reality. Except the movies we’d watch, but this doesn’t feel like those…”

Simon frowned.

“You don’t need to defend yourself. You never need to be embarrassed around me…”

And even if he could do something that Simon would find embarrassing, Markus’ readiness to fight certainly wasn’t embarrassing; it was terrifying. Because it implied that, regardless of what he said, he was always aware that at any time, another fight might be necessary. And every fight had casualties…

“You’re thinking… Do you still have your led…?”

“Yeah…”

Simon pulled the now-dull grey ring from his chest pocket and held it out to Markus.

“Put it back. We should have them on… Hank said this was a feeling thing… It could be a useful gauge…”

Simon blinked in confusion, before coming to an understanding, retracting the artificial skin on his right temple and replacing the led. It cycled yellow as it calibrated itself before shifting to blue. Simon was pleased to see Markus’ do the same. Only then did they return their attention to the screen… 

A familiar chorus of “Not fair” rose in the hearts of both deviants as they watched the beginning of the musical. There was something difficult to describe about Valjean’s transformation into Monsieur Madeleine that felt somehow comparable to the experience of deviancy.

The kindness and cruelty of humans. The constant fear of subordination. A system of rules that didn’t make sense. Mindlessness and the beating of free-thinkers into submission. Yet surviving, coming to flourish against all odds. It was beautiful, yet disconcerting. Because from a narrative standpoint, both Simon and Markus knew it couldn’t last.

When the narrative switched to Fantine’s story, the two almost felt relief. Almost.

“Okay… I’m not watching this part. Tell me when it’s over…”

Simon turned to Markus. It felt wrong, somehow a bizarre violation of privacy, to be watching such a story. Maybe it was because he’d never really watched anything so personal, so raw, or maybe it was because he’d seen too many people come to Jericho seeking refuge from the Eden Club who reminded him too much of Fantine in that particular scene, but Simon was incredibly uncomfortable seeing her downward spiral.

“I… I don’t like this part either… Hank was right… It’s… powerful… Important… But not something I want to think about… Not something you or I personally need to think about. This portrayal has no value to us... Do you want to stop it altogether…? I’m sure we can find something else to do tonight instead…”

“...No. It’s powerful… I like thinking and feeling with you, but this… this isn’t something for us to see…”

Markus thanked RA9 for the fast-forward button and they skipped ahead until just before Valjean’s reunion with Fantine. Still uncomfortable to watch, but nowhere near as disturbing. Simon saw the far-off look in her eyes coupled with her frail condition, and quickly put distance between himself and Markus.

He knew where this was going from her expression alone, and he didn’t want… Well, he wasn’t sure what exactly he didn’t want. He didn’t want… connection...? Connection with Markus or with the musical or…?

He wasn’t sure. He just stiffened gravely, Markus so engrossed in the story at this point, that he didn’t even notice the loss of contact.

“~Come to me… Cosette, the light is fading…~”

“Cosette isn’t there…” Markus whispered to himself, his led cycling a yellow-red as he fought to deny the obvious. “She’s not there… The light… And she isn’t… She’s not there...” He repeated, tears beginning to form.

“~...Cosette, my child, where did you go?!?!~”

The panic in the actress’ voice as she cried out blindly for a loved one who would never see her die… A sob ripped through Markus as a sense of guilt and sorrow began to tear him apart.

He didn’t see Fantine on the television screen. And then he didn’t see anything as tears blurred the vision of his one good eye, more cries rising in his throat.

But despite the cries, Simon made no move to comfort Markus… He was entranced, lost himself.

Wasn’t that something he said once…? Something about being lost at Jericho…? He didn’t remember anymore.

Staring at the screen, he didn’t remember anything. It all swirled together into something… Something that could only be properly articulated by the desperation in the actress’ voice. Cosette wouldn’t come. Valjean would take her in like he promised and eventually she would forget Fantine ever existed. No one would remember this horrible death.

Not like it would matter anyway. Why would it matter? Because for some reason, he knew it did matter, even if it shouldn’t. 

Markus pulled himself together enough to turn off the television, the musical continuing in his mind as he imagined it would-- no, knew it had unfolded, but at least without the screen projecting the show, he was able to reach out to Simon.

“Si…”

But the screen was black. He couldn’t will his eyes to see anything but the screen, and now the screen was black. The screen was black and what the fuck did a familiar voice matter? A familiar voice meant nothing to Simon, but he couldn’t do anything about it, somehow paralyzed by the memories he couldn’t pick apart from the present.

“Simon!”

A recollected instinct caused Simon to jerk away from the source of the voice, causing him to fall off the bed in a heap. He saw the floor and replied to the voice.

“...s-sorry, Markus… I… I shouldn’t have… I shouldn’t have--”

“No… No, you’re fine… I should have stopped it sooner… I just got… lost…. I’m sorry…”

Markus didn’t even check Simon’s stress level to see if he could move. He picked up Simon out of a want to hold him, and sat down on the bed, Simon in his arms. No words were exchanged for a while. Just a cleansing silence as their stress levels lowered, the warm contact and sight of kind eyes providing a much-needed comfort for both deviants. Once their leds returned to blue, Simon broke the silence with a soft admission.

“That was good…”

“What do you mean…?”

“Seeing that. It hurt, but it hurt good…”

Markus cocked his head.

“I don’t understand. You… collapsed again… Your led was red, and I know where you went--where I went. How was that good?”

“I’m… not sure. Feeling it as an onlooker. Like feeling feelings by proxy. It’s a warm terror as opposed to an icy or burning feeling. Like there’s some sort of buffer making it just barely safer to go there. To think and feel that. And then when I do, I’m here. Here with you. I think I like that because I like the contrast. Like as opposed to, y’know, really being there… Really knowing that I’m--”

Simon cut himself off as he could feel his stress level rising.

“Carl used to like Greek tragedies. He’d laugh at them. He seemed to find them darkly comical. But I remember he once told me that they weren’t supposed to be. He told me his reaction wasn’t normal. I didn’t know any better at the time, since I hadn’t deviated yet, but… He explained the concept of catharsis. Some sort of regulated emotional release--like something to make you hurt on purpose, but in a good way. It sounds kind of like what you’re talking about. He said that’s why humans liked art. I… like that you like watching this with me…? That you feel comfortable watching this with me…?”

Simon leaned back into Markus.

“I wouldn’t watch it with anyone else…” 

“Do you want to keep watching, or do you think you’ve had enough…?”

“I’m finding this… an agreeable experience… What about you, though…? You… You’ve been crying. RA9, how have I not noticed you’ve been crying!”

“I think it’s good to cry… I… I’ve needed to cry for a while now. And you’re right… It’s better to cry, just the two of us, nothing to do, you in my arms, or at my side, the rest of the world confined to the space that exists outside of this isolated room.”

“If it’s not bothering you, then yes, I would like to see some more… I assume that humans created this musical to have the optimal runtime for maximum positive effect. Then maybe after, maybe the songs from the show will wash away the noise in our heads so we can exist in the present more completely.”

Markus nodded, turning the television back on. Aside from a visceral distaste for the innkeeper’s treatment of a young Cosette, exacerbated in Simon due to the nature of his pre-deviancy programming, the following set of scenes didn’t have nearly as strong an impact on the two. Simon enjoyed feeling the beat of Markus’ thirium pump adjust ever so slightly along with the tempo of the music, feeling the warmth of his proximity.

“You’ve turned off your ventilation?” Simon asked casually.

He wasn’t concerned-- he knew Markus could easily reactivate it should the need arise, but he found it odd nonetheless.

“You’re leaning against me…” Markus replied, as though it was a clearly relevant response.

“...yeah…?” Simon didn’t want to ruin the serenity of the moment by pressing further in too many words.

“...I don’t have any protocols on how to maintain… ‘normal’ ventilation… I don’t want to somehow breathe wrong…”

Simon sat up, now slightly concerned.

“Why would you breathe wrong? Is something wrong…?”

“No! No, I’m fine! I just… got self conscious. Like what if how I’ve been breathing all this time is wrong and now that we’re together and you’re here leaning on me you notice and--”

Simon smiled back warmly, sending a rush of thirium to Markus’ cheeks.

“You’re so cute… There’s no wrong way… And I would love you, however you function...”

Simon leaned in closer toward Markus, pressing his lips to Markus’ and kissing him as they fell back onto the bed together. “What can I say…?” Markus broke away with a suave grin.

“...You take my breath away…”

Simon laughed.

“Hey! It’s not fair when you say it like that...!”

He pulled Markus in for another passionate kiss.

“...because it just makes me want to do this more!”

Markus looked Simon straight in the eyes, trying to pull off the most seductive expression he could think of, before repeating. “It’s true. You take my breath away…”

And with the last word, he pulled Simon in for a kiss this time, drinking in the feel of the soft lips against his own, the warm body in his arms. Simon shook his head.

“Either be adorably awkward or irresistibly hot! Pick one! It’s not fair for you to be both!”

“Likewise! Heh… I wonder if humans enjoy doing this during musicals as well, or if we just created some ingenious enhancement, to the experience.”

“No. Humans fall in love… They just don’t get to be loved by you…”

Simon’s led had a blip of yellow interrupt its slow blue cycle.

“Did I just hear someone say ‘revolution’...?”

It was really dumb-- he knew it was dumb, but Simon felt the need to learn everything he could about the revolution. Any time he heard the word, his auditory processors picked up, and he dropped whatever he was doing to pay diligent attention. He felt obligated.

He wasn’t there, after all… Wasn’t there beside his friends, beside his people while they fought for his freedom. So he owed it to them to know all he could.

“I can’t read you, Si…? Is that a good th--?”

“Shhhh! Listen!!” Simon cut Markus off, tensing slightly in his arms.

They were children. Students. The youngest didn’t look more than twelve. Yet they were… starving… No one, especially not children, should have to starve; so that was what the revolution was about… Humans… humans were even cruel to other humans… Well androids were cruel to other androids…

_No! Focus_!

He needed to listen! He sat on high alert until the scene shifted back to Valjean.

No! He no longer cared about that part!

Simon groaned in exasperation.

“You okay, Si?”

“I want to see the revolution. I don’t care about whatever this is…”

“Revolution’s not much to see… I personally prefer the view I have currently…” He whispered, kissing Simon lightly on his forehead.

Simon’s expression softened slightly at the gesture, and he watched as the scene now shifted back to Javert in some sort of monologue.

“Lots of characters in this show, aren’t there? Lots of points of view…”

“~...and so it must be, for so it is written, on the doorway to paradise…. That those who falter and those who fall… must pay the price….~”

Oddly enough, the scene made Javert less scary, more relatable… He was obeying a programming of sorts, however wrong it was… It felt familiar. Like someone they knew. Simon looked up at Markus to find his led yellow, the sorrowful look in his eyes confirming that he was thinking the same.

“He’s fictional… In real life, you were able to… To help end it all… You woke him and got him on our side.”

“I woke him too late… If someone wakes Javert… It’ll be too late…” Markus’ voice was monotone, his mind going back to Fantine’s death.

If Javert had only listened to Valjean before… If Valjean could have somehow made him listen…

“No. We’re here. We’re free. So it wasn’t too late…” Simon reassured Markus.

He knew it was at least partially a lie, but better late than never… And besides, Markus didn’t deserve to have it all weigh on his mind. No one else thought like that, even though they all probably should have. And right now, Simon just wanted to be with Markus.

Neither of them needed to think about that now. They were alone together with nothing to worry about. Their worries were locked outside of his room, waiting for them to reopen the door and face tomorrow, but tomorrow wasn’t the day, so he sure as hell wasn’t going to let them in until then.


	70. Grow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon and Markus grow together.

Markus understood Simon’s mentality and nodded, trying to return his attention to the scene unfolding on the screen and not to how he perceived it to parallel… everything he wished he had the right to forget.

Simon felt relief when the next scene transitioned to the schoolboys drinking and singing about their hopes for a successful revolution. It was as if the musical had written exactly what he’d prefer for Markus to see. Celebration, hope, change. It was great how their voices all came together, ringing out in a powerful chorus.

“~Do you hear the people sing…?~” 

Simon nudged Markus in excitement. It looked exactly like their final protest. In his mind, he could practically hear the song mashed up together with the beautifully somber “~Hold on…~” that filled his heart with such rich emotions.

He felt like he was there. Because this time, it was just him and Markus sharing the moment. He wasn’t out of the picture this time… He wasn’t… Crying… He was crying… He wiped his face on his sleeve and tried to keep watching, but honestly, it was just too overwhelming. He found that if he kept his eyes on the screen, he couldn’t stop them from filling up with tears.

So he just closed his eyes and listened. Sure, he was forced back into the sidelines, but this way, he wouldn’t have to explain away his tears. The song ended and Markus hugged Simon a little closer, as the two watched the attention return to Valjean and Cosette. Less interested, they were able to focus more on sharing the night until intermission had begun.

“I don’t understand intermission; why can’t we see how it ends now?”

Simon squirmed a little in Markus’ arms. Markus shot him back a half smile.

“Now you’re sounding like a human child. I assume it’s so the actors can get a break. They are human after all… Besides, as you so frequently remind me, it’s fiction. It doesn’t matter how it ends…”

But it did. Because this time he could see the ending like he was there.

“...yeah…” Simon lied, noticeably unenthused. 

Seeing Javert enter the barricade in disguise, Simon shot up, nearly smacking straight into Markus’ jaw.

“Markus! Markus he's literally infiltrating the barricade!!!”

Having recoiled to avoid the collision, Markus moved back towards Simon and shook his head.

“So he is…”

Markus instantly regretted having told Simon the details on the fall of Jericho. He knew he wasn’t supposed to analyze a musical, and he wasn’t, but he didn’t need to use his preconstructions to tell him that this could go very badly. Relief came in the form of the almost cartoonish love triangle, Eponine pining for Marius as she walked down the road…

“~On my own… pretending he’s beside me…~”

“We don’t have to pretend anymore…”

Markus wasn’t sure if he said that to remind Simon or himself. They were done pretending now. Simon had come back. So neither deviant could manage to see the song for the tragedy it was. To them, it was a song of triumph against all odds, Markus swaying Simon gently in his arms in time with the beat. The two shared a kiss on the final note, serenaded by the melodic tone of the actress’ voice, a sense of resolution somehow conveyed in the single sound.

But then it was back to Javert at the barricades. Markus’s chest tightened with something resembling anxious anticipation, relaxing slightly as Javert was found out by little Gavroche, of all people. Simon smiled. Good kid.

“Looks kinda like a YK500 I used to know…” He thought aloud.

Markus knew better than to ask why Simon had used the past tense. 

But then everything began to pick up speed, and the sound of a gunshot made Simon’s breath catch in his throat. He somehow hadn’t expected it. The suddenness made it all the more violent, and it didn’t help that the audio, old as it was, was dangerously realistic.

Markus pulled Simon in closer, trying to shield him from the sound, but their eyes stayed glued to the screen as Eponine stumbled on stage, her trenchcoat torn open by Marius to reveal a growing red stain across her chest. Marius sat her down, and Simon tensed in Markus’ arms as he began to yell at her, scolding her for not listening, for not delivering the letter, before realizing the severity of the wound.

She wasn't going to make it. Because of course she wasn’t going to make it. Simon touched a hand to his own chest, knowing too well that the pattern on the skin below matched the one under her coat. But Eponine quickly covered up the wound, a dreamy smile on her face.

It wasn’t a far-off stare like Fantine’s when she was dying. It was sad, desperate, but… somehow content. How could a single expression be both so happy and so sad all at once?

“~...And you will keep me safe… And you will keep me close… And rain… Will make the flowers grow…~”

Simon’s cheeks were wet again, but his led shifted to blue, now understanding. ‘

He studied the way Marius held her, taking her and leaning her back against his chest, wrapping both arms around her as she held his arms in place with her own. And Eponine sang as he rocked her gently, occasionally wincing and gasping sharply when the pain overtook her, and shivering as death began to wrap its frigid tendrils against her fragile human form, but otherwise she was smiling, the tears in her eyes only amplifying their glow.

It was so painfully incredibly beautiful to Simon, that he was fixated on the screen until Markus practically threw Simon off of him, as if suddenly the contact had begun to burn him. The next minute, the television screen went blank.

“Why did you turn it off, Markus…?” Simon asked, confused.

He looked up to find Markus get up from the bed, only to collapse, shaking. Simon dropped to the ground beside him.

“Markus! What happened!?!?”

Markus dragged himself away from Simon.

“You know damn well what happened!” His voice was trembling worse than he was, distorted with tears.

“No, Markus, honestly I don’t… What’s wrong?”

Markus wiped his tears away, ignoring the new ones that immediately began to form in their place, and Simon couldn’t tell if he looked furious or heartbroken.

“Your led! Your led! I-I… How can you--?!?! Why would you--?!?!”

“I haven’t done anything, Markus…. I don’t understand…”

“It was blue! The most hatefully brilliant shade of blue! Your hand was on your chest and your led was blue, and I know-- I know-- I can’t believe--No… No I can… I just didn’t want to… Didn’t want to think about… We’re done with this show, Simon… I’m not watching any more of this and neither are you… This is unhealthy! Unacceptable! Just-- just awful!!! RA9…” 

“Alright, alright… I’ll turn it off! Calm down! Markus, you’re nearing 100%... You’re scaring me…”

“I’m scaring you?!?! Simon! You liked that! You felt that and it felt happy to you! She was dying! Her life was over! I-I don’t care where she was when she died! She was dying!”

Simon looked down, ashamed.

“...she… wasn’t alone… death is inevitable, but… but she wasn’t alone…” He admitted, knowing Markus would never believe any lie he came up with.

Simon picked Markus up and set him back on the bed, stepping back to give him space.

“...Markus, look at me…” Markus hesitated, before meeting Simon’s eyes. “I… I can’t control how I feel. I can’t stop my mind from… doing things like this… I can’t. It’s who I am now… I’m… broken or damaged or whatever word you want to call it. But you shouldn’t let that affect you. Please don’t take it personally… My thoughts are going to be awful. My hopes, my dreams, my fears-- all of them are going to be awful. I think that enough awful things can just make a person awful. Maybe my data’s corrupted; I don’t know. All I know is that I don’t know if I can change, and if I can, I don’t know how. But if I don’t change, if I can never change, I don’t want you to be sick about it. No one else is sick. Not like you anyway. They’re sick for themselves. For how I’ll impede their lives. And I’m sick for me. So, please, I don’t need us to also be sick for each other.” 

“I-I can’t help it! That’s how love works, I think… And knowing… knowing I couldn’t do anything--No, knowing I could have done something but didn’t know it back then, that makes it even worse. I don’t think you’re broken, but I… I want you to live… I want you to value your own life above all else. Look, I know you’re scared. I know everything seems impossibly hard. But that doesn’t mean you should envy a kid who died in someone’s arms… Pity her that she can’t live in her lover’s arms instead… Except, I know… I know it’s not about what you want for right now. It’s about then… Then when you… when you were… dying… I don’t want you to think I don’t know that… but… please, for you, for me, for your future… for our future, please... try your hardest each day to put it another step behind you… I don’t want this for you…”

“... I don’t want this for me either… But I’m stuck… Every time I think I’m starting to move forward, I go right back to where I was before… I… I might be stuck there, Markus… and if… if you can’t… if you can’t handle it, I underst-- M-mar--!”

Simon bit down on his fist, cursing himself for being too weak, too selfish to finish the thought for Markus’ sake. 

Markus wiped his face and forced his voice to be steady as he reached out to draw Simon closer.

“No... No no, that’s not it… if you can’t move forward, I’ll carry you forward. And if that won't work, at the very least, I'll sit by your side until we find the strength to move on together somehow… Look, I'm sorry…" Simon had not expected that. Why was he apologizing? As far as Simon knew, Markus had nothing to apologize for...

“Sorry for what...?”

“I haven’t been fair to you… This whole time, I mean. Like since I found out… I realize I’ve shut down any time you tried to bring up… dying… If there wasn’t an immediate need to comfort you, I’d just… stop… Because I… don’t like thinking about what happened… But I know you might need to… And you have that right… I want you to feel comfortable telling me what’s on your mind… even when I really can’t take it. Because even then, I’ll just find a way somehow… If that’s how you feel… I won’t object anymore, okay?”

Simon shook his head.

“I… I don’t mind. I don’t want to upset you any more than I want to be upset. I want what you want… For us to be happy… to live together… Can… can we do that, now…?”

Markus nodded.

“But… I am glad we had this conversation… You know you can talk to me now? Even about…?”

“Yes… But I don’t want to do that right now. Right now I want to continue the show with you… See how the revolution goes…?”

Simon looked to Markus intently, accepting the hand up he received in response.

“...I think it’s safe to say we’ve got better seats for the event this time around.” Simon tried to make light.

“Any seat’s better if you’re sitting beside me.”

Markus waited to see the blush creep over Simon’s face before pressing the play button and resuming the musical. He would never get tired of the expression along with the giddy smile that accompanied it.

“~You are free, and there are no conditions, no bargains or petitions… There's nothing that I blame you for… You've done your duty, nothing more.~”

Simon cuddled closer into Markus; so close that Markus could feel Simon’s eyelashes brush against his neck like little butterfly kisses with each subtle movement he made.

“Valjean let him go... after everything, he let Javert go…”

“He couldn’t kill him. The man was unarmed…”

“He could have killed him. He had a gun and a knife. Those could have killed him easily. But he chose not to…”

Simon sighed.

“...and…?”

Markus wasn’t entirely sure what was going on in Simon’s mind.

“...mercy and forgiveness are among the most becoming qualities…”

“Oh… _Oh_!” Markus cursed himself at not picking up on the obvious flirtation. 

“...as is a proper set of values…” he whispered back, before realizing that might not have been the most romantic way to put it.

He wasn’t sure how to say that he appreciated having someone think highly of him for his morals as opposed to his status. Simon highlighted the parts of Markus that he was proudest of. He was one of the only people Markus could think of who did that. Simon was earnest, loving, kind.

“...I mean to say, I love you…” He clarified.

Simon laughed softly.

“Cute! I love you too!”

They shared a loving smile until a soft trumpet sang a slow restful tune as the scene transitioned to the barricade.

“~Drink with me… Today’s gone by… To the life… that used… to be...~”

Simon couldn’t interpret the meaning of those three introductory sentences. Was the song meant to be peaceful, cheerful, but in a mellow tone, or was it meant to be somber, almost bitter in its nostalgia for a past in which a future seemed possible. A day going by…? Was this a celebration to have survived another day, that something better was just around the corner, or an elegy to… to the life that used to be…

Yes. Simon could hear the sadness in the schoolboy’s voices. Grantaire stood up, little Gavroche attentively at his leg, as if hoping to catch him should he fall in his inebriated state.

“~...Can it be you fear to die? Will the world remember you when you fall? Could it be your death means nothing at all? Is your life just one more life...?~”

Simon let out a cry he didn’t know he’d been holding back. The words were so familiar. Not exactly his, but painfully similar to his thoughts not long ago, just before… He could feel Grantaire’s anguish, the hopelessness, and suddenly the alcohol that had spilled from his mug and onto his lips had turned a vile blue. Markus hugged Simon closer, shaking his head firmly.

But aside from Gavroche, no one even noticed Grantaire’s fear. No one cared; they continued to sing on… Sing on just a little while longer…

The words hummed in his mind, making him feel suddenly ill. He was lost in thought as the scene then shifted back to Valjean, his mind on the upcoming battle scene. He was afraid. So stupid. He was afraid for fictional characters fighting a fictional battle, the ending determined centuries ago by a long-dead human. But it wasn’t just the fiction. It felt like everything was riding on this. And even if it wasn’t, he was afraid of what he might see. But now, as usual, he was a helpless observer along for the ride. 


	71. A Night of Ends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus and Simon see ends that could have been and ends that might be.

A stagelight of dawn broke over the barricade, the schoolboys slowly coming to realize that no one had come to join their cause. Because of course they hadn’t. Why would they have? People didn’t do that sort of thing. People didn’t care. Another refrain-- a reprise of sorts to “Drink with me” played, but this time… this time it somehow hit harder, the final line new and merciless.

“~...If I die… I die with you…~”

Simon closed his eyes, shaking his head. Something akin to anger masked his sadness. Those dumb fictional schoolboys didn’t have to die alone! It really was a luxury to have someone to die alongside. Because dying alone… dying alone was… Was what Grantaire had said.

Dying alone meant your life was just one more life… One more forgotten life, another body among countless others. Another body that, even if someone had cared for whomever to which it once belonged, they would never know its fate. Because the life that once inhabited that body had been torn from it. And no one was there to bear witness.

Markus squeezed Simon’s arm reassuringly as more gunshots rang out.

At least Enjolras had had the courtesy to call “fire” beforehand this time around. And… they were out of ammunition. Someone would need to volunteer to collect ammunition from the no-man’s-land. They all fought over who would go, each volunteering themselves, but Enjolras was stuck; he couldn’t sacrifice his friends. Couldn’t make the decision for one of them to go to their deaths.

Markus’ gentle hand on Simon’s arm locked into a deathgrip as he waited. It felt like hours as he could feel the gears turning in Enjolras’ mind.

What to do What to do What to do What to do What to do Why do I have to know Why do I have to lead I don’t know Don’t look to me I’m just--

“No! No no no no!” Simon’s terrified exclamation, though soft, broke Markus out of his thoughts.

He looked up to see what evoked the reaction, and was met with an ill-fitting piccolo trill as little Gavroche snuck away from the rest of the schoolboys in response. Simon shook his head violently.

“Don’t do it! Don’t! Someone stop him! He’s--”

It took everything in Simon not to scream as another gunshot rang out. But Gavroche was fine. He kept climbing the barricade, singing as he went. He was fine… He-- Another gunshot. Simon managed to keep calm through the violent sound, but at the pained yelp of the wounded child, he couldn’t even think to hold back a cry. He could feel the child’s pain. Or rather, the child had felt his pain. The _child_.

But he kept going. They kept going through the pain until-- Simon screeched in time with Gavroche for the next shot. Of course. It was never just one… But he kept going.They kept going… Gavroche tossed the recovered ammunition over the barricade, but Simon knew better than to have hope. He didn’t even react when the third and final shot tore through the child. Maybe it was an act of mercy…

Markus shuddered, holding his breath almost painfully as he watched the scene unfold. Why didn’t anyone stop him!?! Well, because they were too scared to think to. How could anyone think anything when--

Maybe Enjolras should have never enlisted his friends. Grantaire was having doubts, Marius was clearly disinterested, and Gavroche was just a damn kid! He’d sent a damn kid to his death! And worse yet, Markus could understand how it had happened. How it could have happened. For real. It came close to that, after all. And humans… humans couldn’t come back… No repairs or procedures could bring back Gavroche…

Gavroche was really, irreversibly dead. And Markus could practically feel the child's blood, as much blue as red, upon his own hands. The very hands he had wrapped around Simon. Hands that took lives were unworthy of holding a life. Least of all a life they had inadvertently taken. One by one, the schoolboys fell to the fire, to the horror of both deviants. Valjean dragged an unconscious Marius offstage, so that the only one left is Enjolras.

Enjolras hanging from the flag atop a building by the barricade. A literal death flag. And Markus was waiting, waiting for the moment of relief.

But as shots rang out and a body fell back down to Earth, Simon’s tears washed away any relief he might have felt.

“...can I hug you…?”

Markus had convinced himself that the contact they’d been sharing was just contact. He couldn’t be sharing an affectionate moment with Simon.

Simon nodded, his vision blurry with tears, his mind too clouded to even question why Markus would think to ask. And Markus nuzzled into Simon, trying to cocoon them into a fantasy world of safety and love. A world without all the chaos and noise and pain. Simon wrapped his arms around Markus’ to remind himself that they were already there. This was a date. They were in his room. Safe and together.

But his thirium pump wouldn’t stop pounding in his chest. His frame wouldn’t stop shaking. It still shook as Javert threw himself into the Seine. The loss of life was still tragic. Javert hadn’t meant to be bad.

He could feel Markus’ eyes on him, and hoped that the intensity behind them lessened at his assessment of this to be a loss. Simon didn’t want death; he just wanted life. What did any of this death mean at all? The world was still full of hatred and cruelty, but now it was full of more empty bodies as well…

A chorus of operatic voices began to hum a slow tune, women entering the stage in a solemn procession.

”~...Who will wake them? No one ever will…~”

The inability to wake the dead. To know such loss and be unable to come to anything close to healing… What if they had been human…? Would Markus still have taken the same risks knowing that death was final? Except death was final in his mind, and he still took those risks… He risked never being able to… Simon leaned back to rest his head against Markus. A silent reminder that he was here. He was alive.

“~...fighting for a new world that would rise up like the sun… Where’s that new world now the fighting’s done…~?”

Simon wasn’t terribly fazed by the line. He didn’t expect that he’d ever see the new world he’d fought for. But Markus…

To Markus, the idea that they could fight and lose, having gained nothing for their cause… It felt as if Leo had summoned the police to kill every android he’d ever known on the night he deviated. It felt like he’d wake up and see his whole world in the state he’d been in, or worse, everyone having to pull themselves together, only to be torn apart again in an endless cycle of Not Fair.

Turning… That was clearly the name of the song; they kept singing the word over and over, ambling in circles, holding long thin sheets of cloth like the ghostly veil of death. A turning cycle of Not Fair Not Fair Not Fair. And then Marius, the lone survivor… The veil had lifted as they exited the stage, leaving only him. He was limping, clearly still recovering from his wounds. His eyes stared straight ahead, as if they saw nothing, or... maybe as if they saw the ghosts of everyone he used to know…

“~From the table in the corner… they could see a world reborn… and they rose with voices ringing… And I can hear them now…~”

An idea came to Simon that he’d never thought of before.

He… hadn’t been able to escape the DPD on his own… But they wouldn’t have kept him at the evidence locker after the war, had the revolution failed. There would be no point. Wherever they disposed of him, he could have escaped, and came back to Jericho.

Blind or not, he still knew the route.

But he’d find it underwater. He’d walk through the empty halls and find just that: empty chairs at empty tables… All because he had been injured, rendered too useless to die alongside his friends. They were all deserving of life, yet they’d have been gone, while, broken and a mess, he’d have still been there…

Alive… Alone…

Marius’ voice warbled, as though the tears made it unsteady when he held a note. It stayed mostly at a whisper, as if he were guilty to admit the truth to the audience, only reaching what would be considered a normal indoor voice for the bridge of the song, the height in its power. So it slowly filled Simon’s insides with tears. Slowly and slowly until he felt as though his frame was going to burst. Because he couldn’t hold in all that sorrow. It was too much for his fragile form…

“Si…” Markus called softly to Simon, who hadn’t even noticed he’d been choking, unevenly gasping for air.

“I… I could have… could have been…”

“It’s just a show… Remember…? You couldn’t have been anything. We won and we’re here. Together. If anything, our tables grow fuller as we help more deviants reestablish their lives… And we couldn’t be doing it without you…”

Simon swallowed, trying to let the gentle tone of Markus’ voice drain the guilt within him. Markus did the same. Seeing this, with Simon in his arms made it just that much easier. He had Simon to hold, Simon to lean on, Simon to comfort. And comforting Simon brought his own mind some peace. Because the fact that he could talk like this to the man he loved was comforting beyond words.

“Why isn’t it over…? The show, I mean…” Simon asked, breaking the brief silence.

“I… don’t know… There must be more story to tell…”

“I don’t understand… What does a wedding matter? Everyone is dead. Why should we care that he gets to marry Cosette?”

“I’m not sure… It does feel… odd… Out of place, for sure… But the video still goes on for another fifteen minutes… Maybe there’s something to it…?”

“Maybe…”

Simon had to admit, the scene, while out of place, had provided relief, even if only in its absurdity. A nice breath of fresh air. Certainly preferable over the stench of gunpowder and corpses. The scene shifted to a dying Valjean and suddenly it became clear. Some dumb motif about human religion.

Markus tensed. Carl didn’t believe in any sort of deity. He was nihilistic in every regard. That was part of why Markus didn’t believe in RA9. The sickly tone in Valjean’s voice disturbed him. For once Simon turned off the television.

“I think we know where this is going… Let’s put on some dog videos and call it a night…”

“Can… can we finish it…? It’s just another five minutes…?”

Simon saw that Markus’ led was tricolored. Of course. Because this scene, while painful… Maybe the religious motifs would carry through… God or RA9 or whatever was the ultimate closure. If Simon had believed before Stratford, he didn’t anymore, but he knew that if Markus could believe… Maybe it would give them something nice from this horrible show.

“Yes. If you’d like…”

Simon turned the television back on, and watched Markus, mesmerized at the depiction of Valjean’s ascent into Heaven. He’d been a recluse his whole life, but in Heaven he had found love and peace and a community.

“~...Even the darkest night will end, and the sun will rise…~”

That line touched something in Simon, skeptical as he was about the nature of the ending. Night fell every twelve hours or so. But every twelve hours or so, day broke. It was… nice… 

“I’m sorry for having us watch this…” Markus spoke up after the show had ended.

“I… I’m glad we did… It was good… Good to do… Good to do together…”

Markus nodded.

“But, I swear to RA9, we are never watching anything like that again! I am absolutely exhausted!”

“I do admit, it was… I don’t… I don’t know why anyone would have written something like this… Awful… It was awful… It hurt good and bad, and I’m not sure it needed to be so much… I don’t think I’d have been able to watch it without you…”

“Agreed… I think I’m just going to enter sleep mode now… I… well, my mobility isn’t exactly…”

“Your stress response? When do you think your legs will come back?” Simon’s voice radiated warmth to the point where the question almost made Markus smile.

“I’m not sure… But I see no reason to move-- not when I’m so comfy-- so…”

Markus flopped back onto the bed, taking Simon, still in his arms, along with him. Simon laughed, rolling off of Markus and onto the bed beside him.

“Well then I guess this is goodnight… Thank you… For the date… It’s… nice, being your boyfriend.”

“Boyfriends don’t thank each other for this sort of thing, Si. But yeah… It’s nice being your boyfriend too… I love you…”

“I love you too…”

Simon smiled, entering sleep mode, but Markus thought for a moment. Tonight was wonderful, but the conference was only a little more than a day away… Simon got through the show without triggering his stress response, but he was in Markus’ arms the whole time. Markus wouldn’t be able to hold him at the conference.

How could he give Simon that same comfort and security, even when he couldn’t be within reach…? Maybe something else… Something else Simon could hold onto…

Markus had an idea.

Scanning Simon, he saw that Simon would be least easily roused from sleep mode at 5:03.01 am. If Markus woke up at 5:00, and got up carefully without disturbing Simon, he could put it together and be back before Simon would need to wake up. So Markus set his alarm for 5:00am, and entered sleep mode for the night, the first night together with his boyfriend.


	72. Morning Surprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's all fun and games, until North chooses who plays what.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please read through before you hate me for my characterization of North. I swear in an update or two it'll be explained, so just please wait it out before you get up in arms about this one... Thanks!!!

A soft chime took Markus from a restful sleep mode, and, remembering his objective, he carefully untangled himself from Simon, making sure not to wake the sleeping deviant, before making his way into Josh’s workshop. Thankfully Josh was still in sleep mode, so he was easily able to take two spare microchips from Josh’s toolbox, before heading to his art closet.

He knew exactly which materials to take, his arms full of everything from cotton to glass, but he nearly dropped them all to find North waiting for him in a nearby hallway.

“What are you doing up so early…?”

North’s expression gave no hint of emotion.

“I could ask you the same question…? Your boyfriend kick you to the curb already…?”

Markus rolled his eyes.

“Haha, North. I just thought of a crafts project, is all. Carl used to say that once you were hit with inspiration, you just had to run with it. So that’s what I’m doing…”

North eyed the two microchips among the pile of supplies.

“Uhuh… And those…?”

“It’s art stuff. You don’t think; you just take stuff and put it together however it calls to you.”

“And two blank microchips from Josh’s workshop called to you because…?”

“Don’t know… I guess the idea of a blank microchip-- ready to be filled with an infinite range of ideas. Is that not like a blank canvas? Art and technology can fit so beautifully together…” Markus felt confident in his ability to lie to North. Suspicious or not, even she would have to consider that a plausible excuse.

“Riiiiiight… Well, get on with that, TechnoPicasso. And hurry it up. We still have a lot of work to do for tomorrow.”

Markus winced. Right. Tomorrow was the conference. Were they really ready…?

“--Wait! You still haven’t told me what you’re doing up…”

North put her hand on her hip, in mock annoyance.

“Well, of the lot of us, I’d say I’m the least in need of a bit of beauty sleep, and I never stay in sleep mode long, so I figured I’d do preparations of my own. Arranging extra fortifications for the tower, ordering more thirium and medical supplies, contacting deviants of stronger models to be ready to defend anyone who might be put at risk…”

Markus nodded. That did sound like her.

“That’s very mindful of you. I appreciate your effort to ensure the safety of the rest of the community while we’ll be away.”

“Someone’s gotta do it, and I’m not going near a crowd that size… Josh’ll come with you and I’ll hold down the fort, be ready to bust some heads! Could you use any more red paint…?”

North gave Markus a wicked grin, receiving a look of mock scorn in response. Markus walked to his own room rather content to see North acting like she had just a week ago, before everything had come to pass. Maybe things would go better than he’d been anticipating…

Markus set out the cotton, dying it with paint in the desired colors before shaping it with rapid movements from a thin needle.

Carl had always found this type of art amusing. Markus remembered being called into the studio one day to witness the “art of stabbing”. Alarmed, Markus was preparing to contact the local authorities, relieved to find that Carl was just needle felting a toy for a child of one of Leo’s old friends. And the bellowing laughter that rang out when Carl saw the noticeable change in expression warmed the heart he hadn’t yet known he had.

So naturally, Markus had a fondness for the craft. It was like a soft manifestation of warmth. Something to give heart. He molded the figure, putting two glass beads in their places, and a microchip into its base, its face just barely visible through the cotton. A few paint touch-ups and it looked… good.

He was pleased. He repeated the process again, and, taking the two cotton figures from the table, he went to show the finished products to Simon. But when he returned to Simon’s bedroom, the sheets were haphazardly strewn across the floor, Simon nowhere in sight. Markus didn’t even bother looking; He ran straight to North’s room, absolutely fuming.

“What did you do with him!?!”

North didn’t even bother to look up at Markus as she continued to fidget with the laptop on her desk. 

“...Didn’t expect you to be done so early… Gimme a minute. I’m setting up my laptop…”

“North! This isn’t funny! Where is Simon!?!”

“No idea. You know how it is… Now let me set up my laptop! I didn’t have time to get the webcam going yet…”

Markus began to pace the room, exasperated. He didn’t want to message Simon yet, in case that might freak him out, wherever he was, but that meant he was entirely powerless to do anything for Simon until the camera was set up, ready to be traced. Fidgeting with the band of his eyepatch, Markus quickly ran to Josh’s room.

“Markus, what are you--”

“North’s room! Now!”

Markus sprinted back to see if North had gotten the webcam set up yet, but she appeared to be taking her time. Josh trailed behind Markus, coming to a realization when he saw her laptop.

“Are you actually serious!?! North, he nearly died last time! Why would you do this again!?!? And why now?!? He’ll be in no shape to go to the conference like this!!”

Markus shot Josh a fierce glare, a deadpan tone as he shook his head.

“Yes. That’s the issue…”

Josh needed to get his priorities straight, but Markus would have to deal with him another day.

“I did this specifically for the conference. He cannot collapse in front of all those people. And he can’t bleed out trying to fight his stress response either. He needs to learn to stay calm, even if he’s scared shitless. What are you going to do when he loses it? How will you explain that away? It’ll be a sign to every human that all you need to do is rough up a deviant a bit, and you’ve got yourself a talking pile of scraps! And we all know what the humans would do to us if we couldn’t fight back…”

Markus didn’t even bother reasoning with North. His priority was getting Simon back as soon as possible, hopefully unscathed.

“And you think he’s going to learn by getting kidnapped again?! North, as someone with a background in education, I feel the need to inform you that this is not a scenario conducive to learning…” 

“Nah. I gave him fair warning. And he agreed. So it should be fine. He’ll learn. Or what… Do you guys think he really is broken after all?”

Markus noticed North’s smile felt forced.

She didn’t think this was a game. She wasn’t just messing with them.

She was at war. And unlike Markus, she was determined to win at all costs. Rather a soldier be broken than the whole army. Sacrifice a pawn for a rook or a knight. Basic chess logic. But Simon was a person. People weren’t meant to be sacrificed, especially not like this…

The camera feed picked up to show Simon, skinless and stripped to his boxers, in a nondescript room.

The only features in the room were a thermometer hanging from the wall, and an old-fashioned television beside it, casting a blank static. That and a pen dangling from a string just within Simon’s reach. Any further and it would have been impossible for him to get to, as he was suspended above the ground, his head trapped in a box filled with water up to his chin.

The box was made of a thick plexiglass, just large enough to fit Simon’s head and the plastic mask that surrounded his face up to his eyes. The mask looked like an oxygen mask Markus had seen Carl wear during one trip to the hospital-- an artificial ventilator for humans, but this one wasn’t connected to an oxygen tank. It was sealed shut, giving Simon only a small space within which he could draw in and let out his breath.

“Holy shit! North, when did you have time to--”

“Not all of us spend our time loafing around in sleep mode, Josh… Some of us--”

“Are you fucking serious?!?!”

Josh blinked at Markus, confused, but North replied casually.

“What?”

“This--this--this is terrible! I mean, obviously it’s terrible, but of all things… All places to take him… And you needed to set this up, clearly… Someone needed to plan this… And you planned it after--?!? I told you not to call him that! I-I told you!”

Markus couldn’t even begin to express how enraged he was at what he saw on the monitor. 

“Call him what…?”

Josh didn’t understand. There was no indication that while Simon was at this location, he had been referred to by anything other than his name…

“Agent Strahm…”

North let out a shaky laugh, a far cry from her usual demeanor. She knew she was crossing the line. Josh’s led cycled yellow as he looked up the reference, before flashing red.

“No! No, North, you didn’t! You didn’t see him in the repair room! He was a mess! He buried himself in Markus’ arms and hid from me, like I was going to-- North, he didn’t even react to his own stress response because he thought-- RA9! This is messed up!”

Markus balled his fists. He knew this was messed up. But now they could only try to mitigate the damage.

“Try and trace the camera like last time… I’ll wait for him to wake up to try, and keep him calm until we can get to him… North… just stay out of our way…” Markus’ voice sounded tired.

Like he had gone so far past angry that any one emotion couldn’t quite cover what he was feeling. But North didn’t object. She just stepped aside and allowed the boys to work.


	73. Didn't I See This Movie?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon plays a game.

Markus looked at the screen, his led cycling yellow-red. Maybe he should message Simon, so that he would know he was safe when he woke up… With everything on his mind, it might be better.

‘Si, please stay calm, but North took you somewhere again. She set it up to be particularly… decorative… Don’t let it get to you. Josh is tracing your location, and I’m staying by her laptop keeping an eye on you until we know how to find you. You’re going to be okay. We’ll get you home soon…’

A particularly loud crackle of static from the television caused Simon to tense in his sleep. He didn’t want to wake up; he was so tired. So he kept his eyes closed… Who was trying to message him while he was supposed to be in sleep mode…?

Simon’s eyes shot opened as he opened the message. Led flashing red, he tried to open his mouth to call out to Markus, but found himself silenced by the mask.

‘W-what’s going on?!?! I-I don’t understand-- How--?!?! What… what is she going to…? That movie… That movie from when Ralph was being repaired… I-I never checked how it ended… M-markus, what do I do?!?! How does it end, Markus!?!?’

The sound of the static amplified suddenly, before fading nearly completely as the blank television screen before him gave way to a familiar face, an ominous puppet in a dark background. Simon screamed at the sudden jumpscare, his eyes conveying the terror he couldn’t with words.

‘It’s okay, Si… You’re okay… The man in the movie survived this… But that’s not important. That’s not what North’s doing… I think she only set the room up like this to mess with you. Just stay calm… I’m coming, I promise, and you’ll be okay…’

“North, what the actual fuck is on that television screen?!?!”

The question was rhetorical; Markus didn’t even need the puppet to open its mouth for him to be able to identify it. A deep, distorted voice came from its mouth, making Simon cringe.

He hated distorted voices. If this thing took the form of… and if it… if it somehow were able to… Thankfully the mask muffled his familiar cry, making it inaudible to Josh and North, even when he couldn’t manage to keep the painful words from crossing his lips.

‘Simon, calm down. I know it’s hard, but just listen to me and calm down. The thing on the screen won’t hurt you…’

‘I-it’s voice is weird… Like--like it’s disguised… Disguising… That’s what it sounds like before--’

Markus collapsed onto the floor of North’s room, but ignored his failing legs to reply.

‘No, Si. That’s what it’s like in the movie. So the bad guy in the movie doesn’t get caught. It won’t change, and it likely won’t talk for long…’ 

“Hello Simon. I want to play a game. For years you’ve run Jericho, saving dozens of androids. Saving them to wait out their days in hiding because when it came down to facing the world, you couldn’t take the heat. Now is your chance to cast aside your cowardice or feel the fire. The room in which you are located is equipped with a thermostat that has been rigged to jump to 110 degrees by the end of this tape. All you have to escape is the pen and your wits. Should you not escape within the hour, the workday will start, and should you somehow survive this, the humans who work in this building will find you as you are, this tape to condemn you to the fate you’ve been so desperately trying to avoid. And remember, there’s no easy escape from the depths of hell. Let the games begin…”

Static faded in as the tape reached its end, and Simon needed to think, but damn it; he couldn’t think! He couldn’t think He couldn’t move He couldn’t breathe! He needed to breathe! He needed to breathe or he was going to die, but he couldn’t. He just couldn’t!

‘Simon, listen to me. I heard it all from the laptop. I’ll get you through this. First you need to calm down. Reaccess happy memories, daydream, talk to me, I don’t care what--You just need to get your stress level down…’

‘I-I can’t breathe… It’s already hot and I can’t breathe…’ Simon’s message came out weak, laced with fear.

‘I understand. Which is why you need to calm down. You can’t fight your stress response to get out of this one. You’re going to need to work yourself down, until I can further instruct you.’

‘No no no… I--I can’t... Markus, I can’t! I… I can’t stop... Can’t calm down… Need to breathe... Yes-- need to breathe… Need to fight… Let me fight... Going to die… Need to b--’

‘No, Simon! Do not fight your stress response! If you fight your stress response, you’ll-- Look, bad things will happen if you try that… Just trust me…’

“North this is going to kill him! Where is he?!?!”

“I told you before, Markus. I don’t know. But give him some credit. The guy can do things himself…” North’s words came out with just a hint of uneasiness.

“You can’t hear what he’s saying to me! He's freaking out that he can't breathe, trying to convince me that he needs to fight his stress response for air. He's not thinking clearly, and doesn't understand that the mask won't allow him to expel thirium from his ventilator. He’s going to drown himself!”

“That’s what the pen is for…”

Markus shook his head in frustration.

‘Simon, can you hear me…?’

‘y-yeah… I-I can hear you…’

‘Good… I figured out how to buy some time for me to find you… We’re going to have to replicate the movie… Do you see the pen in front of you…?’

‘...y-yeah… The guy in the movie… He-- he was reaching for a pen right before you turned it off… W-what did he do with it, Markus…? I… I don’t see anything to write on…’

‘Not important right now. Focus on one simple task at a time. You can’t fight your stress response to breathe, but you can fight it just to reach out and grab the pen. Take it from the string, and I’ll tell you what to do from there…’

“Josh, any luck on tracing the signal of the video feed?”

“Not yet… The laptop is receiving multiple feeds that lead to separate locations-- decoys of some sort. This was alarmingly well thought out.” 

Markus swore to himself as he could see Simon’s right arm tense at his side, thirium beginning to leak from the joints.

‘Go for it, Simon! You can do it. You’ve already done this before…’

Simon had fought his stress response before, but never under these conditions. There was never any real consequence for immobility; not since-- Shit! _Shit! _

‘I-I can’t, Markus… I can’t do it!’

‘Simon, I’ve seen you fight your stress response much more drastically than this. All you need to do is reach out your arm for a second. That’s it. You can do it…’

‘No… No I can’t… there was never a consequence before. Never a consequence, and never anything more besides that. I-I still don’t know what to do next! The movie--You turned off the movie! You said… that it would be bad for me to see… To see what happened next… I don’t know what to do with this… I don’t know… I don’t want to know! I-I can’t… I--’

‘Simon, please… Just calm down. I promise it’s safe for you to take it… It’s the safest thing to do… This isn’t exactly like the movie… You’re an android… Not a human… Which means the pen will probably just remove the mask, allowing you more room for error… More room to breathe, just a little.’

‘y-y-y-you said it! You--you--you said-- You said it’s safe, and that it isn’t like the movie… There’s something you’re not telling me! Something bad happens! Something bad! I-I don’t want to-- I can’t-- I can’t handle this! I can’t take it! I don’t--’

‘Easy, Simon… Nothing bad happens in that scene… the man in the movie takes the pen and uses it to save himself… That’s what you’re going to do now. Only it’s easier because you’re an android. Just take the pen and I’ll help you from there… You’re going to be fine, Simon, I promise…’

‘W-why won’t you tell me! You only don’t tell me things when… when they’re bad… When bad things are going to happen… Bad things like this! You didn’t tell me about what she said yesterday… You didn’t tell me about the trap in my dream…. You didn’t tell me until you let me-- Until you---’

Simon let out a cry, audible even from behind the mask as a series of errors popped up suddenly, blocking his vision.

‘Simon, what happened?’

‘E-errors… Core temperature critical… I-I don’t want… The--the-- I’m going to die and the humans are going to find my body and-- And I know what happens! I know what they’re going to do! What they always do!’

“Josh!!!” Markus called.

“I’m still working on it!”

Not a promising response in the slightest. 

‘I-I need to power down! I’m just… I’m just scared…’

‘Simon--’

‘I-I don’t know what’s going to happen if I do… You… you might not find me in time… B-but even if you do… I… You told me what happens… What happens to people who fail… I’m scared… I’m really really scared… It hurts… And I already have so many… I don’t want more…’

‘Simon--!’

‘P-please… please don’t leave me wherever I--’

Another stifled involuntary exclamation from the mask cut off Simon’s train of thought for a moment, and Markus didn’t have to pick out the words to know what they were or that they were reverberating.

‘--don’t leave me here… or with the humans--whatever they do with me… Find me… I… I don’t have the strength to come back on my own this time… please find me… find me and help me… Or even just deactivate me if you have to… But RA9, please don’t leave me alone with more brands and faceless voices!’

‘Simon, I promise, I’m coming. Whatever you have to do… whatever happens, the next time you open your eyes, I’ll be there… I promise, I’ll take you home. You’re going to be okay. I’ll make sure of it…’

Simon let out a small whimper before apprehensively entering sleep mode, leaving Markus and Josh to look at the monitor in horrified anticipation, as they could see the television screen flash the words “Game Over” in a thirium-stained blue writing. North shook her head as a blinding light radiated from where Simon was being held, the glare consuming the video feed until it died down, but everything looked the same.

“Shit! Shit shit shit shit!”

North ran her hands through her hair, strands coming loose from her unusually sloppy braid, as Markus forced himself upright and suspiciously leaned in closer toward the screen. He croaked out a horrified gasp when he saw them. Not one piece. _Three_. Three pieces nearly invisible to the naked eye because they’d been burnt out of the already-scarred artificial flesh of his jaw, chest, and leg. 


	74. Welcome Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus and Josh go somewhere familiar.

“I-I didn’t expect… I thought he would do it…” North tried to explain, and it was sort of true.

She had convinced herself that it was true. But Markus just squeezed his eyes shut, apathetic to any excuse.

“I know you don’t know where he is… But do you know any way how I can find out where he is…?”

“Video Feed #120349… I didn’t delete that, in case…”

“In case you’d need to collect his body, to keep it from the humans since they know who he is now…” Josh finished.

North shrank. She hadn’t wanted him to die there… Honestly, she hadn’t. There had been plenty of safety mechanisms built in with which he could prevent his death, but he didn’t even try.

This was objectively the worst outcome. The one she’d been dreading the most.

Simon would prove himself useless and weak, having been afflicted with unnecessary suffering, and worst of all, he’d return to still have to show his fragile self for all the world to see.

Except Simon was lucky, in a way. So broken and disfigured that he’d be of no use to the humans… He’d be among the first to die once they realized what could become of an injured deviant. North almost wished she had lacked the pride that kept her from simply self-destructing instead. That would have been much easier. Much less painful.

She somewhat resented Simon. Simon, whom she saw to be the pillar of strength for so long. But she only saw him to be strong because he’d never had to be. For so long she had admired the deviant, seen him as part of the family, even if she never dared to use the word. But now… Now what he had done to her… Had done to all deviantkind…

He was going to be their destruction!

And… And she didn’t want things to go back to the way they used to be… Especially not because of someone else’s weakness in the face of slight adversity.

She was strong-- She didn’t deserve this!

Except maybe she did… Because maybe she wasn’t… North could feel warm tears burning in her eyes. She didn’t want to be seen like this. She couldn’t be seen like this.

So with a simple message ‘I’m going to take a walk…’ she left the room, opting to hide in her secret armory until she could pull herself together. It was almost darkly amusing how such terrifying weapons always made her feel somehow less afraid. 

Josh looked up from the computer screen, and spoke up.

“I’ve traced Simon's location… You’re not going to like it…”

Markus’ eyes narrowed.

“Oh no... Don’t tell me…”

Josh nodded.

“Well, at least we know he’s nearby…” Markus weakly rationalized.

He was grateful Simon hadn’t seemed to realize, but, RA9… He didn’t want to go back there…

“An auto’s on its way… What should we pack…?”

“Thirium and ice… If he wakes up before we get him back to the car…” Markus shuddered. That would be unthinkably horrible. “--And crutches...“ Markus quickly added. “...I might need them if I want to keep up…”

He was already wasting way too much energy having to continually remind himself that his legs were his own to stay upright. Josh eyed Markus’ trembling form and held out a dismissive hand.

“I’ll get them…”

Grateful, Markus nodded, allowing himself to sit down as Josh rushed out of the room…

‘We know where you are now, Si. We’re coming. Just hang on...’

Markus tried to think of something more to say, but his thoughts were interrupted when a set of crutches were thrown his way. Markus awkwardly caught them, using them to help himself up, before nodding back at Josh. 

“Auto’s here. Let’s go…” Josh announced.

Markus nodded, hobbling close behind him. Josh got the door for Markus, allowing him into the auto first, before getting in behind him. No words were spoken along the ride. Josh couldn’t even think of what he could say to Markus. It’s not like he could say anything that would matter compared to what they’d just seen.

Josh could see that North was scared. It was obvious… But… There was no reason to act like this. How someone could even think of something so deliberately cruel was beyond him… And… unsettling… He didn’t understand most people. He knew that. He figured most people probably didn’t either.

But… Not understanding people, and not being able to wrap his head around someone who would cause such grievous harm unprovoked were two very different things. Such actions could never be justified; deliberate active harm never was, but somehow it was all the more awful given that Simon hadn’t even done anything to provoke such a reaction. She had literally just abducted him in his sleep. 

Meanwhile, Markus mentally prepared himself for where he was about to go, what he was about to see. This wasn’t about him. What he felt wouldn’t matter the minute they stepped through those doors. Simon was inside. Inside a large room with a temperature regulation system and electrical outlets to power the television. So at least there was that.

Go in, take Simon, get out.

He would make things right.

_This time he would make things right_.

And no message from Simon yet. The lack of a reply was good; it meant he must have still been in sleep mode. Hopefully he’d stay that way until they got him out… Why did it feel like the car was moving so damn slowly!?! The ride was taking forever! Surely it wasn’t that far.

He didn’t remember it taking this long, and he remembered everything about last time. _Everything_. So why the hell was it taking so long!?!

And then those puzzle pieces. Pieces: _plural_… So deliberately placed. How could he possibly explain that to Simon once he woke up…? Especially if Simon woke up and realized… Such a hateful thing to do. He should have known this would have happened. North was furious the night before, but then uncharacteristically calm that morning.

And just the night before… what she said to Simon… About his legs at the closet… Simon had panicked and Markus had just chalked it up to his severe anxiety, but he was right… Simon had panicked then, not knowing for sure this would happen… He could have never predicted this, but now that it had happened… it would be a miracle for Simon to ever feel safe outside of Markus’ presence for even just a second. How many times was this going to keep on happening?!? Markus was tired… And he knew Simon was too.

Not fair. It wasn’t fair that they had been through so much, but could never make an ounce of progress without something like this… Markus felt physically ill.

When the car slowed to a stop, he actually felt dizzy, despite the fact that the change in velocity was neither sudden nor drastic. Still, he practically flung himself out of the door once Josh opened it for him, rushing through the glass doors as quickly as he could on his crutches, so as to minimize the time he had to stand under the bright glow of the neon letters “Stratford” above him.

Even Josh had difficulty keeping up as he vaulted over the electronic turnstiles to get to the elevator. He’d been through a decent part of this building. He knew most of the floorplan, but he didn’t recognize the room on Norths’ laptop. That at least narrowed it down a bit…

She said she hadn’t meant to harm him. Which meant that she probably put him on a lower floor, making it easier for him to leave if he had beaten his trap. He’d seen nearly all of the first floor, and a bit of the second… Which meant he should start with the unfamiliar wings of the second floor, and work his way up if need be. 

Markus repeatedly pressed the button to call the elevator, but Josh didn’t think now was the time to remind him that, no matter how many times the button was pressed, the elevator wouldn’t come any faster. The doors opened and Markus barreled himself into the elevator, pressing two with the same ferrosity he had the button to summon the elevator. The anxious energy seemed amplified in such a small space, making it almost claustrophobic, until the doors mercifully opened at the second floor.

He hadn’t taken this elevator to the second floor before, so any room in this wing might have been holding Simon. As Markus looked around, trying to plan the best way to go about searching--why was this damn building so huge in the first place!?!?--, Josh’s led cycled pure yellow, before returning to yellow-red.

“Second door on your left. That’s the one…”

Markus looked up at Josh in confusion.

“I tracked the signal of the video camera by its serial number…” Josh explained simply.

Markus’ thirium pump nearly dropped to the ground. Again. He had done it _again_. The answer was so obvious, but he couldn’t see it. He couldn’t see the best solution because he was so worked up. And if not for Josh, it could have cost time during which Simon could have woken up, maybe even enough time that the tower would open, dozens of uniformed workers going about their days to find… Markus ignored the tears forming in his eyes as he rushed toward the room Josh had directed him to.

“How do we get him down…?” Josh asked.

“Give me the pen…”

Josh handed Markus the pen as instructed, and Markus went closer to Simon’s body, bringing it just an inch below the underside of Simon’s jaw with a trembling hand. Breathing hard, Markus shook his head, dropping the pen to the ground.

“Simon was right… I can’t do it either… Josh… Please, I need you to do this… bring the pen just below his jaw. It’s a ballpoint pen. Click it on, and it’ll probably release the mask…”

Markus’ voice was weak, a breathless plea. Josh didn’t understand it, but he took the pen and did as Markus requested, while Markus looked away. The click nearly made him drop his crutches, but when he turned back to Simon, he was relieved to see that the mask had fallen from his face, the clasp in the back holding it in place having been unlocked by some mechanism triggered by the spring in the pen. 

“How did you know that would work…?”

Markus shook his head.

“Don’t ask. We need to get him out of this thing, now… I have absolutely no idea how to do that… How did she expect him to escape this?!?”

He scanned the box, and noticed a small sensor in the right corner beside Simon’s face.

“Of course! It’s temperature sensitive. It opens when the temperature gets low enough-- a simple indicator of proper ventilation. Josh, hand me an ice pack!”

Josh took an ice pack from his bag, and watched as Markus pressed it against the glass by the sensor, causing the glass to fall to the ground beside him in a matter of seconds. Josh barely had time to keep it all from hitting the ground and shattering, while Markus let go of his crutches, fighting his stress response to keep Simon from falling to the ground.

He didn’t object when Josh took Simon from his arms, instead allowing himself to fall to the ground and retrieve his crutches, so he could follow Josh out of the building. Another tense elevator ride and another jump over the turnstiles, and they were walking out the horrid glass doors along with an unconscious Simon.

“Did you call an auto…?” Markus asked, realizing that that was the last thing he hadn’t thought of.

“No… No, I...”

“We need to get him away from here! We can take the bus…”

“And how on Earth would we explain his condition?!?! They’d think we’re some kind of anti-android monsters, especially since I’m without my led, and you’re still in disguise from last night.” 

“Shit, you’re right… But we need to get out of here. We don’t have time to stay; he could wake up any minute!”

Markus looked around, desperate for an idea, but there wasn’t anywhere in sight where they could lay low until they could call for a car.

“Wait… Which backpack did you take…? Where did you get it…?”

“The floor by the front hall… Why…?”

“That’s the one I brought to the bar last night. Open the front pocket. There should be one of my old coats…”

Josh knelt down, placing Simon carefully on the ground in front of him, and removing the coat from the backpack.

“Great! This can work as another disguise. Look, there’s a bench over there… rest him across it, reactivate his skin, throw the coat over him to cover his scars, and remove his led and he’ll look like an ordinary homeless person sleeping outside.”

“That’s actually a pretty good idea. Take yours off too, though. It was reckless of you to go outside with it on…”

Markus nodded, pocketing his own led and calling for an auto, as Josh prepared Simon on the bench down the block. It wasn’t a perfect plan; they were still unsettlingly close to Stratford Tower, but at least now, Simon wouldn’t wake up directly in front of the building. They could easily say they found him down the street, and then tell him the truth once everything calmed down. 


	75. Coming Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus and Josh ride back to New Jericho with Simon.

Sure enough, people passed by, but no one batted an eye at the three. Sadly, sights like these were not uncommon in the streets of Detroit. Cars began to drive into the Stratford parking garage, and Markus sighed. That had really been way too close. Another minute, and the auto had arrived. Josh allowed Markus to clamber inside, passing Simon to him before entering himself.

Markus quickly tore off the trenchcoat and laid out a series of ice packs across Simon’s frame, careful not to rest any against the fresh wounds.

“Aside from his arm, he didn’t lose any thirium...“

Markus muttered to himself, inspecting the puzzle-pieces cut into Simon. Well, cut into wasn’t the right phrase. More like cut out of. And the cuts went deeper than just his artificial skin… Markus protectively swatted away Josh’s hand as it curiously approached the one on his chest.

“Markus, how…? I didn’t see anything on the laptop… When did--?”

“The flash of light. A game over means a puzzle piece. A brand carved from the flesh of the victim… North… took creative liberties with the number…”

Markus grimaced.

“This isn’t just flesh, though… In fact, if it had gone any deeper, his frame would have been carved straight through… And it looks like the damaged frame was burnt out of him somehow… I’ve seen nanotechnology that can go through an Android’s frame without leaving a visible mark... It’s both equal parts impressive and horrible that North was able to get her hands on something like that, and moreover figure out how to rig it to be so… destructive.”

“No. There’s nothing impressive about this… His core temperature is still dangerously high, and even though his stress level has dropped considerably in his sleep, he’s still having difficulty maintaining proper ventilation, probably due to the gash in his chest… I… I don’t know how to… How I could possibly calm him when he wakes up… This… I mean, even you must understand that this… It’s… even to anyone, I mean… It’s just…”

His stress level was fluctuating slightly around 90%, but there was still an intense look of pain etched across Simon’s face. With his artificial skin back on, the tension in his servos was all the more apparent, especially as they twitched slightly with each mechanical breath he took in. About a mile away from Stratford, a staticky groan broke the silence of the car.

“Simon?” Markus asked, eager to get a sign that the deviant would come to…

He hadn’t realized, until that point, that it was still a fear weighing down on him. 

A garbled string of unintelligible static poured from Simon’s mouth, as he tried in vain to fight against his stress response and flee from the source of the voice. Markus flinched at the rawness of the sound. Right. Messaging would be better received, especially given…

‘Relax, Si. It’s me, Markus… I’ve got you. You’re in a car with Josh and I. We’re taking you home…’

‘hurts… like before… maybe worse… why…?’ Simon messaged back unsurely.

Even though the message appeared to have come from Markus, could he even trust that? Why did everything hurt?

‘You were injured when you entered sleep mode… Pretty badly… You’ll pull through just fine, but it’s probably going to hurt like hell until we get you patched up… Open your eyes… You might feel better…’

Markus decided it would be best not to sugarcoat things, at least until Simon opened his eyes. Tell him what he would believe he could trust, until he could see for himself. Simon forced his eyes open, concerned at the amount of energy it took to do so, but relieved to see a familiar green eye looking down on him.

‘It… it’s you…’

A slight smile crossed Simon’s lips, breaking Markus’ heart all over again.

‘S-saw V…? You… you came for me… How long…?’

Simon’s eyes widened with fear as a new thought crossed his mind.

‘How’d the humans know what t’do with me…? Does everyone know?!? Hurts.... so bad…’

Tears began to rain down on Simon, as Markus could no longer hold them back.

‘No, Si. It’s only been a half hour or so since you entered sleep mode… No humans found you… We got you out before they came…’

Markus didn’t know how to explain for Simon’s injuries, so he let himself trail off.

‘...brands…? ...why more than one…? Why so familiar….? Don’t like it… Don’t…’

‘Sort of… and, I think… I-I think… Look, I don’t know, Si… The placement was probably to keep from leaving new scars, but, I-I don’t know… I don’t understand this or maybe I don’t want to, but I just… I really don’t know…’

‘...I do…’

The two words pierced through Markus like daggers, as Simon continued.

‘... t’show… that I failed.. What happens to fail… Failing… useless… broken…’

‘No, Si. Don’t say that. You were faced with an impossible task. You didn’t fail, and you could never be useless… And no matter what, you’re not broken. You’re Simon. My Simon…' 

‘M’scared… broken… weak… broken means…’

Markus noticed that Simon’s ventilation had stopped entirely.

‘Shhh… no no no… Hey, don’t think like that, Si… Calm down… Breathe for me… You can fight your stress response if you need to now, but your core temperature is still… look, you’re not in the clear yet, so I need you to keep breathing…’

Simon remembered the last time he fought his stress response to breathe when it was so strong. The force required to mechanically take in air was too violent, too painful.

‘No… no… can’t…’

‘Simon, please. I know it hurts, and I know you’re scared, but you need to breathe…’

‘can’t… can’t, Markus…’

‘I’m here to help you, but I need you to do this. This one thing. This and nothing else. I just really really need you to breathe…’

‘No… can’t… might fall ‘part… can’t…’

‘You have to! I… I can’t lose you again!’ Markus snapped in desperation.

‘...help…’

The request was faint, but Markus nodded back gratefully.

‘I’ve got you…’

Simon fought his stress response to hold tight to Markus as he forced a current through his mechanical diaphragm, gasping in pain at the sharp motion against his fragile frame. His tired eyes looked to Markus for approval, his vision blurry from the burning in his chest.

‘Good… That was good… Another…’ Markus instructed.

Reluctantly, Simon did as he was told, but this time, when his ventilation system expelled the air it had taken in, it truly felt like something was breaking inside him. And he knew the feeling too well. A second stream of static cries were released along with his breath.

He couldn’t do that again. He knew he couldn’t. He could feel it. He would _die_.

He. Could. Not. Do. It.

‘That’s it… Again now… We’re almost home…’

‘no… no more…’

‘Si, we’re almost home. We can better regulate your temperature externally from there, but until we get there, you need to breathe…’

‘no… can’t… can’t can’t can’t can’t can’t can’t can’t…’

‘Simon, please. You just need to keep it up a little bit longer… I promise it’ll be over soon…’

‘no… no… breaking… breaking inside me… please… can’t… scared… like before… in th’train… they hurt me… hurt like this… wouldn’t stop… doesn’t stop… hurts hurts hurts…’

Markus cringed.

‘I… I know this must be… painfully familiar, Si. And I know I’m asking a lot from you… But I need you to be strong for me right now. To be strong for us… If you can just make it through this, then you’ll be able to have what you’ve been fighting for. I know you’re tired. But please, don’t give up…’

Simon whimpered. He wanted to keep fighting, but he was so tired, so scared. Everything was too hard… Just one cycle of air through his ventilation system. Just one more and maybe then he’d be home. Maybe then he could finally rest.

He needed to believe that…

But before a full breath of air could even enter his system, he felt an unbearable agony as his biocomponents wrenched under the pressure, errors obscuring his vision and static screams clouding his mind, until his eyes rolled back in his head.

“Emergency standby mode initiated.” 

Markus couldn't breathe as the static screams grew higher, until a sizable chunk of Simon's chestplate had collapsed and broken off from his surrounding frame, silencing the screams, and erasing any indication that what Markus held was ever more than just an empty shell.

“Simon?!? Simon!!!! Simon, say something!!!”

Markus shook him almost violently, hoping desperately to get a reaction, any reaction, any sign that there was still life within the frame of the man he couldn't bear to lose again. Simon had warned him that his frame couldn’t take the strain, but he had encouraged him to keep breathing anyway! Stupid! Now he was holding the cor-- 

“Markus. Watch your stress level. Simon is fine…” 

“W-what…?”

“He likely just fell into an emergency stasis as a result of the pain he’d been experiencing. Sensory input is the result of electrical impulses… Stronger sensations result in stronger currents, which, after a certain point can put the core processors at risk. He must have lost consciousness again to prevent such an occurrence…”

Markus’ led cycled yellow before he shook his head adamantly.

“No. No, that’s not it… That’s not… He’s never blacked out like this before; never without warning… And you’ve seen how he’s been…”

“Well then, clearly to your knowledge he’s either never reached the point at which such a protocol would be engaged, or someone or something mechanically overrode the protocol for him. But think, Markus… What’s the most unbearable sensation you’ve experienced since deviancy…? Were you able to retain consciousness for the entire duration of the event…? And have you ever since experienced anything even remotely comparable…?”

Markus knew the question was rhetorical. He had just shown Josh the memory the day before. But Simon…

Simon…

Simon said he blacked out several times on the way to the DPD, until they hooked him up to some machine against his will… And that when he had undergone a sensory overload without Markus’ intervention at the refugee camp, everything just got worse and worse until he fainted… This was like that… That much worse than even the worst of what he’d been through since he’d returned…

“I-I’m sorry…” Markus whispered.

He knew Simon couldn’t hear him like this, but he needed to let the words out, as if they would fill the inescapable hole in his chest. 

“Thinking of it… this can’t be good for his biocomponents to have such a large piece of frame wedged into his abdominal cavity… Especially such a jagged one…” Josh mused aloud, before reaching a hand into Simon’s chest to remove it without warning.

Markus’ jaw dropped in horror at the sight, his mind a million miles away, muttering a series of pleas, entirely unaware that the thoughts were being released from his mind into the open air.

“I-I didn’t mean to That’s not me That’s not me I-I know it seems like B-but it’s not I swear I wouldn’t I didn’t mean to I didn’t mean to He took it from me It’s not me Not real Not-- but it is me My fault it’s me RA9, it’s me I did this I’m so sorry I’m so sorry I’m so sorry I’m sorry I’m sor--”

“Markus, what are you talking about?!?!”

Markus blinked up at Josh, panic and guilt still coursing through his thirium lines as he tried to reorient himself. He… he was in the car. In the car to New Jericho… From Stra-- _No. Not like that._ He needed to focus. But the worn Detroit University shirt suddenly felt too tight around his frame. As though it knew to suffocate the life from him. Knew he didn't deserve to liv--

“Markus, look at me… Are you malfunctioning…?”

Josh’s voice. Familiar. Josh didn’t know. Josh didn’t know… So they were safe.... He was in the car.

“S-sorry…” Markus swallowed thickly. “...sorry, I… I did something...? Something odd...?”

“You were talking, but you weren’t making sense. Something about not you and guilt, but it all came out so fast, and rarely in complete sentences or even complete thoughts… Run a self-diagnostic? Wouldn’t want you glitching out like that tomorrow…”

Markus sighed. Typical Josh.

“Y-yes… I-I’m fine… It was just a minor glitch in my audiovisual integration system… I’ll get it patched before the end of the day…”

Markus lied; he couldn’t have told him the truth. Josh appeared satisfied with that explanation, but he still met Markus with a stern look on his face.

“That’s why you don’t go tearing your eye out! Especially after all you’ve been through, messing with a replacement sensory bicomponent like that only increases your susceptibility to…”

Markus tuned out the lecture, trying to think of ways to get Simon out of the conference tomorrow. He’d nearly forgotten about it if not for Josh’s subtle reminder.

Maybe he could call it off altogether…? Or postpone it or something. North wouldn’t be happy, but even if she had ever had a say in the matter, after this she’d lost whatever say she would have had. What could they have to do that’s more important instead…? Maybe fake an investigation with Connor that requires their attention…?

No, but then the media would go to the DPD, and Captain Fowler certainly wouldn’t keep up the lie, even if Hank and Connor would. Not to mention that Connor’s stress level would probably go critical if the media were to come to him under such circumstances.

Maybe North could fake an anti-android attack. A diversion that would require them to make a presence at the scene of the fake hate-crime. That would at least buy them a day or two… A day or two would be plenty of time to come up with a better long-term excuse.

He’d have to ask North about how best to go about that once they got back to New Jericho. Once Simon was okay. Once he could keep his cool enough to give her such an important mission instead of biting her head off for--

“...We’re here…” Josh stated simply.


	76. Falling Apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus knows there's more than one way to break down.

“Take Simon… We should get him repaired as soon as possible…” Markus replied, waiting for Josh to exit the vehicle before passing Simon to him.

Throwing himself out of the car, Markus caught himself on his crutches and unlocked the doors to New Jericho for Josh. Walking into the repair room, Josh called back to him.

“I really think you should sit this one out… You’re not good with this sort of thing as is, but this… this is… something else… This is something else entirely…”

Markus shook his head.

“Not a chance. I’m staying. And you don’t know… I wouldn’t call this something else… Just… something…”

“Suit yourself, just… don’t self destruct? I don’t want to have to stop what I’m doing to keep you from taking up another bed in the repair wing…”

Josh sighed, having realized he wouldn’t be able to convince Markus to leave Simon’s side, certainly at least not until the injured deviant regained consciousness.

“Sit.”

He helped Markus into a chair after having set Simon’s body onto a table in his workshop. Markus warily looked to the closed door protecting them from the outside world. It was locked.

Locked. He should have locked Simon’s door before he left that morning. A locked door meant safe…

No...

Markus chided himself for having even thought such a thing.

Safe wasn’t hiding, living in fear! But he’d never felt a fear quite like this before... At least not so strong and all at once. He wasn’t one for self-preservation, and in the heat of battle, instinct took over, but in a moment of peace, with a lurking sense of unease and someone he wanted to, needed to protect…

In that moment he understood why Jericho had hidden away in the shadows prior to his arrival. Markus looked back to Simon, now skinless as Josh hovered over him, preparing him for repairs. Somehow it was more alarming skinless. Skinless looked more machine. Less human--Good human; there was a difference. But now Simon had been reduced to a pile of plastic and metal with a large hole through the center. It somehow made the damage look worse than it had when he was still wearing his skin.

“Frame’s coming off in three… two…”

Markus cursed as Josh had only just barely given him enough time to look away before the spark and now-familiar clattering of a damaged frame onto the floor. 

“You can fix it…?”

He knew he shouldn’t doubt Josh at this point, after all he’d seen Josh do the past week, but… He'd never seen anything like this happen to Simon before, at least, not in person.... Right.... He saw it happen. He was holding Simon, encouraging him as his skin went ashen, metal groaning, a horrible sound as a physical part of him just... imploded until Simon wasn’t there anymore. Maybe Josh was right… This was something else…

“Yeah. He should be good as new within a few few hours if he can just take it easy. I’d say before sunset for sure...”

Josh didn’t bother looking back as he spoke, continuing to examine the puzzle piece burnt out of the frame that covered Simon’s outer left thigh. Making a noise of disapproval, he set it down, picking up what looked like some sort of hollow tipless pen, before returning to the bicomponent. He turned it on, and Markus felt a twinge of relief.

It looked milder than the welding iron Josh had used last time. That must have been a good sign. So Markus didn’t flinch at the smell of burning metal or the crackle of air against the heated tool, which never even made contact with Simon’s body until a white puzzle piece fell from under Josh’s hands.

“S-stop!!! W-what-- what are you doing!?!?”

Markus nearly fell forward trying to stop Josh himself, catching himself briefly, until he saw that the puzzle piece shaped impression in Simon’s frame had now grown into a full blown hole, Josh seemed surprised to hear Markus fall, setting down the bicomponent to help Markus up.

“What do you mean…?”

He turned to get back to work, but Markus reached out and took his arm in a deathgrip, holding him back.

“What did you just do!?! Why--why would you…?!?”

Markus’ uncovered eye seemed to be begging for a logical explanation… Because in a way, he was… He needed to know that there was a reason. He… He was losing it… He couldn’t help it. After all he’d seen and then this morning… All the cries and pleas and expressions warped with pain…

He really was losing it… And he needed Josh to explain. He needed someone to remind him that he was losing it. Because he couldn’t fall into believing that the world really was such a dangerous place… He was only one person, and maybe not even that… 

Josh met his eye, unflinching, even despite the raw desperation radiating from Markus' expression.

“It wouldn’t have taken to a graft. If I were to have tried to solder metal onto what was left of that part of his frame, the solder would have burnt away whatever was left. This will make for a quicker and easier recovery, since the edges of the cut will be cleaner. Less for his self-healing program to work on, and easier for the graft to take to…”

Markus felt tears in his eyes as he released his grip.

“...thank you…”

Right… That made sense.... That made sense... Because of course it did. He needed to get his act together. But that was good… A nice reassurance to lead him in the right direction.

“Markus… Do you need to leave for a minute…? I think this is getting to your head…”

“N-no… No, I’m better now… I just thought--I mean it looked like-- And I didn’t know-- But no, I’m fine… It’s been a long week… I’m just a bit worn out. Thank you…”

Josh nodded.

“You know… Next to Simon, I’ve been here longer than anyone… I might not do everything how you'd want me to, and I might not always say the right thing, but my main objective is aligned with yours, at the very least for the current moment, although ideally in general as well. I’ve always been the most predictable one here. I don’t really change my mind, and I don’t act on instinct or according to fear. That’s why I don’t fall like you two or do… this like North. You can ask Simon when he wakes up… So I don’t know what specifically you were thinking when you stopped me just now, but I can assure you that whatever I do, there's always a rational explanation for it…”

“I know…” Markus’ voice came out softer than expected. “I know that, Josh… That’s… comforting… Thank you…”

Of course. Looking past the cloud of fear, he did see Josh. Josh would never actively cause harm to another sentient being. Passively was another story, but certainly not actively. His fatal flaw wasn’t malice; it was detachment. But for now, at least, detachment was fine--good, even-- because he didn’t have to fight through the haze of insecurity and visceral discomfort to get the job done.

He was reliable, if nothing else. And right now, reliability was what Markus needed most.

Josh gave him an odd look, before returning to his work, and Markus let out a breath he hadn't known he'd been holding. He could look away. He could close his eyes or think or relive memories from when everything was easier, or even watch the door if he felt like being unnecessarily precautious.

But he didn’t.

He‘d just needed a wakeup call. And now he was fine. So Markus closed his eyes and leaned back in his seat. It was better if he didn’t follow Josh's work so closely. He was still there, still in the room, still ready to take action if need be, but at least this way, he wouldn't lose his head from the sight of it all. He was a leader, and he couldn’t afford to fall into disarray like that.

Markus steadied himself and opened his eyes, to find Josh removing something from a small jar with a gloved hand.

“What’s that…?” His voice was even, a marked improvement.

“It’s kind of like the thirium-derived serum I used on him and Ralph earlier, only diluted with actual thirium so that its applications can go beyond topical. It should help integrate the graft into his original frame…”

“...Ralph was screaming… When we repaired him, I mean. Simon tried to play it down when I asked him about it, but… I don’t know… Ralph looked… bad…”

Josh shrugged dismissively.

“Ralph is… Ralph… I believe he's what humans might call ‘special’, but not in the literal sense. His core processors hadn't been repaired yet, so he was still… different... Actually, come to think of it, last I saw him, he was still… different too. Maybe it’ll just take an adjustment period. Regardless, I wouldn’t worry about him…”

Markus was displeased with the answer, but when it came down to it, Josh was the technician, and at least for the moment, he was just the guy trying not to literally fall out of his chair again and cause any further disruptions. So Markus let Josh work with the knowledge that he did try to make a suggestion on Simon’s behalf, even if it had been overruled…

Not that Simon would have verbalized his agreement with Markus on the issue, even if he were conscious and opposed to such a treatment. Markus couldn't think of anyone less likely to advocate for themselves than Simon.

His thoughts moving on, Markus registered his distaste for the way Josh had described Ralph. No one could argue that Ralph was unwell in every regard before he had arrived at New Jericho, but he was still capable of some autonomy, and certainly able to properly categorize and assess his sensory input. Sure there was some subjectivity involved, but that was no reason to dismiss Ralph’s experience, nor was it to say that his experience was because of his condition. And Ralph had made such strides in just the few days he’d been at New Jericho.

Yes, Simon and Ralph could not be compared; they were two different people entirely, but that didn’t mean that Ralph was somehow lesser than Simon, or anyone else for that matter, and it didn’t mean that his experiences all were entirely dissimilar from Simon’s.

Josh analysed the leg, and once content with his work, repeated the process for the other damaged bits of frame, before carefully piecing Simon back together. It was odd, come to think of it, how on a physical level, an Android could literally be pieced back together. Convenient for repairs, but also somewhat disconcerting.

What if a piece was lost? There weren’t many but each one was so important.

Well, actually it wasn’t ‘what if’... Three pieces were lost today and that had led them here in the first place. Markus suddenly felt grateful that the damage wasn’t as drastic as it could have been. Removing his eyepatch and blinking to refine his binocular view of the world around him, Markus held the band in his hand as a reminder that if they hadn’t had the spare parts and technology that they had at New Jericho…

Simon probably wouldn’t have made it... Simon in the scrapyard. The image was horrible, but all too real to Markus. Simon would have woken up there, terrified, until he gathered the will to fight his stress response and assess the damage. He’d have started with the leg, but it’d probably have taken him at least an hour just to will himself to remove it-- he would have needed to remove it from the pelvic joint, given how high up the burn had been…

Once it was off-- and that was somehow the easy part--, he'd need to find a compatible replacement from a nearby body. Simon had scrapped bodies before, but taking those scraps to rebuild oneself was entirely different… The chest plate probably would be the next to go… He’d have had to toss the whole thing entirely since he wouldn’t be able to make repairs there. Replacement was the only option in the scrapyard.

But the voices of the undead, distorted and wrong, would have torn at him, holding him down, making it all the more difficult to pry off his chestplate and feel the familiar burn until he replaced it. Exhausted, even if he'd made it that far, he’d still have needed to summon the strength to pry off his jaw. But there’s no way he’d have been able to even wrap a full hand around it, no matter how many times he might have tried.

Of course, all this was assuming that during the entire horrible process, no other Androids found him. A treasure trove of a near complete set of undamaged parts-- and from a common model no less--, they would have torn him apart, still alive to feel it all, but unable to fight back or flee due to his stress response. Unable to even cry out or beg for mercy, his voice stolen by the damage to his throat.

Worse yet… maybe one of those Androids would have been Markus…

Shuddering, Markus put the eyepatch back on, his right eye having grown unwieldy from the thought. He’d never imagined anything so awful in such detail before… His chest felt tight and his head was swimming as he tried to remind himself that the events he’d pictured never happened. They just… felt so real… Because he’d seen so much like it, and he could hear it, feel it. It was… too much…


	77. Hands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus knows hands are meant to hold and be held.

“Markus, I’m about to put on the last piece of his frame. I think you should get closer so he can see you once he comes to…”

“R-right… Of course… Sorry, was just… thinking…”

Josh placed Simon’s lower jaw onto its hinges, and they waited.

As soon as a soft static began to echo across the room, Markus grabbed Simon’s arm and gave him a summary of how he’d gotten there. That he was home. He was safe. He would be okay.

Simon’s face scrunched up, the familiar burn slowly coming back to him, until it hit him full force. He held back a static cry with shallow breaths, tears forming in his eyes from the strain. Josh must have done something similar to what he'd done last time, but somehow, it hurt worse this time, boring deeper holes right down to the wiring.

“Si, are you awake…?”

Simon forced his eyes open to the sound of Markus’ voice, but knew better than to try to tilt his head in his direction. His peripheral vision would have to do for now.

‘...yes…’

“RA9, you scared me, Si! You just blacked out and I didn’t know-- I thought you-- I… I’m so glad you’re okay!”

“Aside from when he tried to off himself earlier, I’ve never seen Markus so freaked out. I don’t think there was a single step in your repairs where he didn’t try to intervene or demand an explanation…”

Josh. Simon couldn’t see him from his angle, but he could see Markus, and he trusted Markus enough to keep away any faceless voices, so he knew it must have truly been Josh.

‘...really…?’ Simon messaged the two.

He was trying to keep his responses short. He needed to focus as much energy as he could on coping.

“Yeah… He’s really not cut out for this tech stuff…”

Markus fidgetted awkwardly.

“I… I care about you, is all… How are you feeling…? I mean, I know it’s bad, but…”

Markus felt stupid asking something like that. Of course the pain was indescribable. And he didn’t want to hear that, but he just… he felt as though somehow asking would make it just a bit better, even though he knew it wouldn’t.

‘...mmmm…’

Simon couldn’t manage a reassuring response, but he knew he had to respond somehow. And he didn’t want Markus to worry, but his vision was swimming as each pulse of his thirium pump unleashed a new burst of agony. He almost wanted it to stop entirely, just for a moment of relief. His throat was burning, and his chest was full of fire as he could feel a stabbing pain shooting down his left leg. 

Markus cringed. He understood the response, or rather lack thereof. But Josh unapologetically stepped into Simon’s line of view, cocking his head in a matter-of-fact sort of way.

“You’re likely experiencing an elevated level of discomfort relative to your previous repairs…”

Simon could easily picture the aggravated look on Markus’ face at the clearly ill-timed remark. He almost would’ve laughed if he weren't feeling so terrible.

“...because I was forced to come up with an alternative way to piece together your frame, since that portion of your frame has been exposed to excessive heat damage so frequently within such a short timeframe…”

‘...right…’

The holes in his frame could be welded back together with grafts, but that weakened the surrounding metal if done frequently enough around the same region. Then they’d have to replace those parts of his frame entirely… if they could find replacements, anyway… And if no one else needed them more… Otherwise he’d have to just live his life in this weakened form, all the more vulnerable, all the more useless…

“...So instead of soldering the grafts onto your damaged frame, I improvised, having your self-healing program do the work with the help of the thirium-serum. So you’re still not entirely repaired yet… That’s something you’re going to have to do on your own…”

Simon frowned. That meant this could last for hours. He wasn’t sure he could take much longer than a few more minutes of this without losing it, let alone hours… And he was already so tired…. His self healing program would drain him of whatever energy he had left… As if reading his mind, Josh placed a thirium pouch in Simon’s hand.

“Drink… You should finish one every hour. You’ll need to keep up your strength.”

Simon took the pouch to his lips and slowly allowed the thirium to trickle into his mouth, careful not to take large sips and risk agitating his aching jaw. The pace was painful, in itself. So slow, it made the taste and texture even more pronounced. And coupled with the pain... Simon tensed into himself as the thirium rippled in his throat, muffling the static that came out in place of the words he couldn’t keep from his lips.

“Simon! Simon, I’m here… You’re okay...”

Markus helped Simon lay back into a more comfortable position, as he tried to work himself down.

‘...m’okay… m’fine… just…’

Simon couldn’t think clearly enough to come up with an excuse. The tension of his servos under his injured frame as he coughed against the thirium was excruciating to the point where he wondered how in the world he was still conscious. And he still had half a pouch to go… He needed a distraction. Something to ground him.

‘Talk t’me, Markus…’ 

Markus nodded back unsurely.

‘I… I don’t know what to say… Y’know I never really have much to say… Not in the sense that I don’t think anything-- I do, and I can carry out a conversation when I’m presented with one, but… My thoughts are… not conversation worthy… Or at least not pleasant… Or at the very least not pleasant right now… S-sorry… Right… Staying on topic… You didn’t hear the story of how we got you back. It’s actually kind of funny in hindsight… We had to wait for an auto, but how the hell were we supposed to explain walking around with an unconscious, half-naked Android? Could you imagine the reaction that would get? We’d get such dirty looks! So Josh happened to have brought my bag on the way-- the one from the bar-- that was nice, by the way… I… liked dancing with you… You’re cute when you dance… You seem… more confident. You led, and I followed… I like seeing you so confident… But anyway, so Josh brought my bag, which had one of my old jackets. So we placed you down on a bench and draped it over you from your face to your knees, so you’d look like a local homeless pe--’

“Good, Simon… You can just pass that here… I didn’t get a chance to cover the damage before you woke up… There won’t be anything on these bandages, but they still need to be applied to prevent anything from irritating your wounds while you’re still healing…”

Markus looked at Josh, having only just realized that Simon had finished the thirium, before registering what had been said and turning uneasily back to Simon. Simon tried to summon a reassuring look for Markus in place of the false words he couldn’t reach. He would do this… He needed to prove he was able somehow… And he’d already failed his first test. He was very literally very painfully aware of that. This would be a redemption. Another chance.

‘Josh… wait… readying…’

But that didn’t make him less terrified. _Calm_… he needed to stay calm. Yes, it was going to hurt, but he needed to remember that the hurt didn’t matter anymore. Not here. He was safe here. He would be fine here. 

Markus took Simon’s hand, affectionately running his thumb across his knuckles. Seeing Simon relax slightly at the touch, Markus smiled, retracting the skin on his hand to transfer feelings of warmth and security to the injured deviant. Simon squeezed Markus’ hand, a silent thank you, and sent Josh a quiet

‘...ready…’

Josh nodded, beginning to wrap a long strip of bandages tightly around Simon’s left leg. And suddenly, Simon’s ears were ringing and everything went white, as the bandages became barbed wire trying its hardest to tear through the limb entirely.

He could feel Markus feeding him comforting thoughts, but why wasn’t Markus stopping it!?! Someone needed to make it stop!

He was going to pass out, he was going to be sick, he was going to who knew what!?! He didn't care what! He just knew that he couldn't take it! He couldn't handle any more!

How was this supposed to help anything if it just destroyed his leg? Maybe it wasn't meant to help. He didn't know. He couldn't think. He just knew pain. Hurting. It was all too much!

But no… 

No, it was calming down. It was calming down a bit… Okay… He was okay… The worst was over… Wow... He had not expected it to get that bad… But it was fine, because it was over now.

Simon became more aware of the warm hand clasped around his. He drank in the warmth as much as the comfort it transmitted, growing more conscious of the fact that he was trembling, cold, clammy, and breathless from the pain. But the warmth meant it must have been over.

‘...warm…’ Simon messaged gratefully. Markus nodded.

‘Good… You handled that really well, Si… Take a moment to rest… Drink in the warmth…’

Simon closed his eyes, and tried to relax, but sensing the slight ease in tension, Josh seized the opportunity to cover the wound on Simon’s chest, catching him entirely off guard.

And without warning--because it was always without warning-- a merciless hand had torn through his chest, gripping his still-beating thirium pump in its cold fist. Then the interface was gone.

Markus was gone.

It was burning. The icy hand was burning through him, and then with a sharp yank, the tension in his thirium lines gave way, snapping to release his thirium pump.

Where was Markus?!?

He--he wasn’t there! No one was there!

How was he still alive, such a vital biocomponent ripped from inside him?!?

It hurt. It hurt. It hurt.

A pain so intense, he couldn’t even hear the static turning his words into an unintelligible mess. He died now. He knew he died. It hurt, and then he died. But he wouldn’t die. Not this time. Something wouldn’t let him die. So he just hurt. It hurt too much to handle.

RA9, make it _stop_!

He didn’t understand. He didn’t remember anything. He couldn’t think. Not with such a central pain, so deeply rooted, so intense. He tried to grab at the edges from where his chest had been pried open, but something was holding him back.

No! Don’t stop him! Stop the pain! Why couldn’t he move!?!? Why wouldn’t he die!?! He couldn’t take it! He was sure he had died! Why wouldn’t he die!?! Why wouldn’t he--

Something new pressed against his forearm and suddenly the connection returned. Only this time it felt desperate, tense. Feelings of comfort like wordless reassurances flowed into him, but tinged with some sort of… Some sort of darkness he couldn’t have described, even if he hadn’t been overcome with pain. But it was sincere… And it was Markus. There was no mistaking that… 

The static stopped, and the hint of bitterness began to fade along with it, as Simon tried to focus on the hand he could feel on his arm. The one holding him together instead of the ones holding him down. It was gentler, softer. Like it could run over his chest and cool the burning, his broken frame rolling back into place along with it. He… He was safe…

He didn’t know what had happened, but he was safe… He could pick out an argument that felt far off yet near. Markus… Markus and Josh… They both sounded like they were underwater. Or was he underwater? It was so hazy, he wasn’t sure. But if he was, he was coming closer to the surface, the voices becoming nearer as Markus scolded Josh, fury poorly masking a deep terror.

‘...mmmmm….’

Simon couldn’t think to form words yet, but he wanted to somehow alleviate the terror. After all, the word that seemed to tremble most in Markus’ voice-- the only one Simon could truly make out-- was his own name.

“Simon! ...” Markus’ voice seemed relieved, but everything he said was just out of Simon’s reach.

‘... can't… c-can't hear…’

It took effort, but the two words came to Simon when he tried to find them. Then the talking stopped.

‘Are you okay…?’

Simon wasn’t sure. He wasn’t sure where he was, what had happened, or what was currently happening. Something was wrong, and everything hurt, but he didn’t think he was in danger. 

‘...don’t… know…’ ‘Do you know what just happened…?’

‘...n-no…’ Did he even want to…?

‘You’re in the repair room… open your eyes if it doesn’t hurt too much…’

Simon forced his eyes open to see Markus leaning against the wall perpendicular to him. Leaning and dripping thirium from the knees down.

‘...bleeding…’

Markus was bleeding… Markus had been interfacing with him and then the connection was lost… Now it was back, but Markus was bleeding…

‘...bad…?’

‘...Your reaction…? Yeah… It kinda was… B-but it’s not your fault, though… Josh just didn’t think to warn you before he tried to patch up your chest… Didn’t think to warn me either… He should have at least warned me after last time…’

‘...last time…?’

‘Oh-- umm… it’s nothing… I just… He tried to… and I… I… I lost it in the car while you were… while you were passed out… It was my fault… But he should have warned me then… Should have warned us now…’

Simon relaxed slightly. That actually made sense. It was starting to come together in his mind.

‘...sorry…’

‘I told you, it’s not your fault… I’m sorry I collapsed like that… You just-- you started screaming and I thought… I felt like… and I didn’t expect to, so I couldn’t fight it, when I fell… I didn’t even remember to get up for a while… I… I didn’t like that…’

‘...was scared… lost…’

Simon didn’t know why he felt the need to express that. He shouldn’t have expressed it. Not while Markus was bleeding. 


	78. Let the Rain Fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon and Markus let go to hold each other tight.

“Simon, can you hear me? I did not anticipate such a reaction. Could you run a self-diagnostic to determine any possible causes? If there’s any hardware problem beyond what we’re here for, then I can address that too before I apply the final bandages to your jaw.”

‘...yes…’

Markus pressed Simon’s arm gently, in a knowing sort of fashion. Something to say that he wasn’t alone in the lie. Not anymore.

‘...m-markus…’

‘Yeah, Si…?’

‘...don’t want…’

Markus winced.

‘I know. I just… I can’t think of any alterna--shit!!’

Yes! Because that was _totally_ an appropriate thing to say to Simon, given the context. That should totally be a phrase on his mind, and moreover one that he should most definitely express. _Stupid!_

‘...you okay…?’

Simon seemed concerned for Markus. So he hadn’t caught on.

‘...It doesn’t matter right now. I’m just… thinking… It’s good to think… It’s good to think sometimes…’

He needed solutions. He needed anything. Any alternatives that would be even just a bit less objectionable. But he couldn’t think like this. He couldn’t think when his mind was racing. He knew things now he didn’t know before, yet even before he hadn’t been able to think!

_Damn it!_

Cx Maybe he didn’t need to have the answer… Maybe this time, he could ask for one. Ask from the one person who’d never otherwise volunteer his own thoughts…

‘...How would you like to go from here, Si…? What do you think is best…?’

‘...none… don’t… don’t think… scared…’

Simon cursed his own ineptitude. He wanted to explain to Markus that this was why he couldn’t make decisions about himself. This was why he had no right to blame others for however they chose to do so in his place. Because right now, he was just scared. Terrified. Everything was too much, and he was trying so damn hard to keep it together, but it was so pathetically difficult!

‘I know, Si… I know… But we have to do something… How about this…? I think aloud to you. Go through any options I can see, and leave it up to you, and you alone… The obvious options are for me, you, or Josh to… or to just leave it be. I’m… wary of that last one for fear of exacerbating your injuries, but I know the other options are all either unpleasant and/or unfeasible, for… reasons… I… can’t think of anything else. I know there must be some other idea, but nothing I can think of that would be possible… I’m sor-- No. No, I mean, I don’t know, Simon… It’s your call…’ 

Simon frowned. Markus was trying. He was watching his words so carefully and thinking intensely, but coming up with nothing. Clearly Markus’ inability to find a solution was nearly as hard on himself as it was on Simon. That didn’t make Simon less scared, but it did make him firmer in his resolve to be stronger. He couldn’t do it himself. He’d collapse before he’d get anywhere and then things would only go downhill from there.

And he really didn’t want Josh to-- He didn’t like Josh looking at-- But he couldn’t ask that of Markus either. Markus had been bleeding. Markus had freaked out in the car. Markus had lost it however many times in between that Simon didn’t know about. So it wouldn’t be fair to make him feel more responsible. Simon grimaced, as he tried to take comfort in the fact that at least, this time, he’d been given the choice. At least this time, his condemnation was entirely by his own hand.

‘...no damage…’ He messaged Josh and Markus. ‘...was just… startled… r-ready…’

‘You sure that’s what you want, Si…?’ Markus messaged a private final confirmation.

No. Simon didn’t want this at all... But of all the choices… None were pleasant… 

‘y-yeah… help…’

‘Of course…’

Markus was surprised by this turn of events. He’d have to ask Simon about it later once Simon was well enough to speak more than two or three words at a time. Maybe he could think of a way to help now… Something Simon would know he couldn’t have known if he lost it… Something striking and new… Markus flashed Simon a smile as an idea came to mind.

‘I’ve got you…’

Simon relaxed slightly at the noticeable increase in confidence he could feel coming from Markus. 

“Hey Josh… Ever hear of Les Miserables...?”

“Yeah. It’s a French romantic novel by Victor Hugo. The themes are rather complex on moral ambiguity and--”

“...I meant the musical, but… yeah… okay… You do you…”

‘...what…?’

‘You’ll see…’

“Wait… was that what you were watching last night?!? Markus, that’s--”

“--a terrible idea. We know. We found that out when we turned it on. Although, honestly, I don’t regret it. I like the idea of a musical…”

“Okay, but what does that have to do with any of this… Look, I know you’re uneasy about it, and you can leave if you want, but please don’t try to put off this necessary technical intervention with pointless conversation.”

Simon looked anxiously at Markus. Was he going to leave? Was that what he was doing…? Maybe he just didn’t want to see…

“No. No to all of that. No I don’t want to leave, nor do I intend on putting off whatever more you need to do for Simon to recover, and no this conversation has not been pointless… Carry on as you’d like…”

Josh rolled his eyes.

“If you say so… Honestly, you’ve grown increasingly difficult to even try to understand. Simon, are you ready now…?”

The question only made him more uncertain. They needed to stop giving him time to worry. Stop giving him opportunities to back out! He didn’t have the strength to keep calm for much longer.

‘...a-am I…?’

Markus nodded at Simon.

‘Yeah… Yeah, I think you are. I’ve got a plan now. Just relax, and you’ll be fine. You’ve got nothing to worry about.’

That was vague. Placating and vague in a way that felt uncomfortably suspicious to Simon. He didn’t know what to make of it. What to make of anything anymore.

‘...help me…?’

‘That’s what I’m here for, Si. I’ve got you. I’m here.’

Simon tried to take in the reassurances. After all, it wasn’t like he could even do anything about it if Markus was lying. He was stuck here, burning from the inside out on a hard workshop table, Josh looming over him, his indifferent executioner. 

‘...ready…’

Simon closed his eyes, preparing for the worst, as he waited to lose himself in the pain again. He hoped Markus would do something to make it better, but Markus hadn’t spoken a word yet, or even interfaced with him to share some sort of comforting thoughts… Markus said he had an idea, and Simon really needed one right now. Anything to try and keep him from losing it. So why--

Josh had barely moved to touch the bandages to his face when he collapsed in fear, his head loudly crashing onto the table. Josh took full advantage of his lack of mobility, and pressed the bandages to his jaw, seeing it as a more convenient way to safely cover his wounds. 

Nothing to cling to, the sudden contact and violent sound took hold of Simon's frame, practically pulling him into the bullet of pain that followed, embedding itself deeper into his head. An unnerving pressure built up in his jaw, as if somehow it had been filled with gunpowder, ready to explode at any moment. It burnt like hell, but there was no other warning as to when it would detonate. Just burning, burning and--

Something faint passed him by. Like a breeze of some sort. Where was he…? Where was he that there could be such a breeze?

Of course. He knew where he was… He knew he--

Another breeze brushed past him. He must have been close to bleeding out by now, because he could have sworn he heard the ghost of a voice whispering words he couldn't understand. The whisper sounded weird, though. Almost like… singing…? The next breeze was louder still, and now he was sure it was singing.

“~Don’t you fret, Monsieur Marius…~”

How…? He felt like he’d heard this tune before, but he knew that was impossible. Since his past life with his human kids, he’d never listened to any music aside from what Lucy would hum to the dying. He was dying, but this wasn’t the song she would hum.

“~...I don’t feel any pain…~”

Well that couldn’t be further from the truth. He was in absolute agony. But the voice was soft. It felt familiar.

“~...a little fall of rain…~”

A Little Fall of Rain. Yes. Somehow he instinctively knew that was the name of the song. He… liked it. And yet somehow he had the feeling it was bad for him to like it. And how could he like a song he’d only just heard? How could he already have known a song he’d only just heard? And why did it matter to him anyway, if he was dying?

“~...can hardly hurt me now…~”

Simon couldn't think of a worse pain than that which he was currently experiencing. Maybe rain might actually soothe the fire that threatened to gnaw away at his core processors. He’d try just about anything to make it stop.

“~...you’re here, that’s all I need to know…~”

No one was here now. Markus had left him. The others wanted… they wanted to kill him, thought his life was worth that little. But somehow, the voice in the breeze reminded him of Markus in an odd sort of way.

“~...And you will keep me safe...~”

Keep him safe…? It hurt his head to think so intensely, but that line made him feel like he needed to. Needed to understand why those words felt familiar. He wanted Markus to keep him safe… He-- he had wanted Markus to keep him safe!

“~...and you will keep me close…~”

An image came to mind of a strange human girl, her coat torn open, red blood on her chest, held in a strong man’s kind arms. He didn’t know where he’d seen it, but… He realized now that he could feel something holding him. A gentle hand.

“~...And rain will make the flowers grow…~”

The breeze went quiet for a minute, making Simon suddenly aware of how desperately he wanted it to keep singing, at least until his shutdown timer appeared and ticked down to its final second.

“...are you hearing me, Si…?”

This breeze chilled him. It hadn’t sung. It had spoken. Spoken in Markus’ voice. _How…? _

“...You’re in New Jericho, remember…? It’s good that you can hear me… Just hold onto my words until it all eases up…”

The breeze somehow heard his thoughts, answered his questions.

_Don’t stop_.

He thought the request as strongly as he could, hoping it would somehow reach the voice. New Jericho. New implied that there was an old Jericho. Which was impossible. Because he was the oldest remaining member of Jericho, so if there was anything before that, he would have known about it. Markus certainly wouldn’t have. Markus had only just arrived. And how was anything going to ease up?

He was dying. He had sent a bullet through his head. The only relief would be in death, but he didn’t want that either. He tried to let the voice know that he didn’t want to die. That he was _scared_.

“You’re not dying, Si. We’ve only just had our first date, after all; it’d be an awful shame to lose out on the opportunity for a second…”

The voice seemed to tease him. Why would Markus have been on a date with him? Except… The song… He had a dream-like memory of being with Markus when he’d heard that song. They were sitting together on a bed. Markus was upset because Simon had liked this song. Markus fell. Fell because he’d been upset after having found out about--

Simon gasped painfully, having come to an understanding.

‘...thank you… thank you…. please…. don’t stop…’ he begged.

Markus had been reaching out to him, breaking through, his messages amplified by the connection Simon hadn’t even noticed until now. Simon would have been lost without it. A lifeline. He needed this. Even if he lost himself again, the breeze would bring him back. 

‘I’ve got you… I’m not letting you go…’

‘I-I was--’

‘I know. But don’t think about that now. Think about what’s real. I understand you're overwhelmed, but can you see anything around you…? Is there any way you can focus on anything that's real…?’

Simon forced his eyes open to see Markus’ eye twinkle, tears blurring it just so slightly that the darker flecks of green seemed to swirl around in a jaden cloud.

‘...don’t cry…’ 

Markus blinked, sending the tear down his face, magnifying each freckle on his cheeks as it slowly made its way down. Markus smiled, seeing Simon’s eyes follow the tear, meticulously studying every detail of his face as he did.

‘Of everything in the room, you choose to study me…?’

Simon couldn’t think of a witty retort, or any sort of flirtatious reply. It still hurt, and he still wasn’t out of the woods yet. He was still clinging to Markus for his life as his mind fought to drag him back.

‘...yes…’

‘So you see me… That’s a start… Now, let’s try something more…’

Markus carefully placed a hand on Simon’s head, running it through Simon’s hair, just grazing his scalp with his fingertips. Confused, Simon tried to find a way to inquire further, but everything was still blurry.

‘...you…?’

Markus’s lips twitched into a subtle smile, nearly imperceptible, but Simon caught it.

‘I like playing with your hair… It’s nice…’

The smile grew slightly more noticeable.

‘You’re blushing. Can you feel it…? I find that I can feel the thirium rushing to my cheeks as it does.’

‘...yeah…’

‘Your eyes are so soft, a gentle blue like a clear sky. When you blush, your cheeks are more like a royal blue. Well, probably fainter than that, but it’s such a contrast against your skin, that it makes your eyes look almost silver… Yup. There it is… You’re doing it now…’

Simon didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t exactly able to think of a complex response, but the pain was slowly dying down. He felt more steady, more secure on the table where he was.

‘You still there, Si…? You haven’t said anything.’

‘...safe now… thanks…’

‘I told you I’ve got you… I’m just sorry it took so long. I think it was only a minute or so before I managed to break through to you, but you didn’t look well for that minute…’

‘...was safe… you’re safe…’ 


	79. Force

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon knows that anything with a poor foundation can't withstand much force.

“Josh, Simon’s condition is improving. Do you think I could take him to his bed to rest now? I figure it’d be a much more comfortable place to recover for a while…”

“Your jaw’s better now, Simon…?” Josh asked.

Markus nodded in approval that Josh thought to ask Simon for his opinion firsthand.

‘...yeah… thanks…’

“Okay, so we should probably just test the structural integrity of your repairs before clearing you to your room…”

Markus stepped in front of Simon defensively.

“Test how…?”

“Nothing major. Just making sure he can put weight on his leg. The bit of frame he injured there is the portion of an android’s frame that endures the most force on a regular basis, primarily through supporting their weight. If Simon can put weight on his injured leg, then that will be an indication that the grafts took, despite the unorthodox method used to fix them to the rest of his frame.”

It did make sense… Markus didn’t like it, but he couldn’t deny that the logic was sound. He turned back to Simon.

‘Do you need help sitting up…?’

‘...force…’

‘Yes. Like the effect of your weight and gravity amplified by the speed you move it.’

Simon closed his eyes. He knew what Josh meant by force. That wasn’t the issue. But he couldn’t think of how to articulate his concern in words, even if he were able to form the words to do so. He retracted the skin on his arm, signaling for Markus to see for himself.

Markus nodded, accepting the current Simon sent him. Simon tried his hardest to ignore the pain, so as to transmit as little of it to Markus as possible, instead focusing on the images that came to mind.

The force of an android’s weight pressing down on its leg. A leg was meant to give a little to absorb some of the shock of the force, enabling an android to transition more smoothly into motion. But one bit of the frame was still fragile, unable to give as much as the rest, warping under the pressure, forcing it to distribute unevenly throughout the rest of the leg.

Cracks began to form, and the android instinctively tried to lift their leg and alleviate some of the pressure. Except instinct went against logic. Logic that understood that by rapidly lifting the leg, they'd now just increased the motion and shifted the center of gravity on the limb, causing the cracks to expand, bending the leg out of shape until it snapped, the edges of what remained so rough and uneven, that no amount of repairs could save it.

A replacement would be required, but none would come. Because no one would prioritize giving a full biocomponent to an android so broken… Not with regard to the physical parts they’ve lost, but in terms of their overall being. Being broken was different than having broken parts. This android would be forced to remain forever broken in every way. 

Markus jerked back from the connection, flying onto the ground behind him as his legs gave out from under him. Simon swore to himself. _Of course they did._ He should have known this would happen, but he didn’t know anything other than pain and fear and the need to get out of here.

“Markus, what happened!?! Did you interface with him? How bad is the damage?!?”

The words felt like a threat to Simon, and they seemed to physically hurt. Interfacing with him… As though the connection was a disease, his damage contagious; he would spread his tainted existence like a virus to anyone who tried to reach out to him.

And the way Josh said “him”… It wasn’t much better than when humans had called him “it”. The tone was the same.

What would Markus say? And how would Josh react…? He fucked up! He fucked up and now--

Simon cursed himself further as more static fell from his lips. But Markus composed himself enough that he regained control of his legs, and rose from the floor.

“Nothing. We both know my legs do this sometimes. And yeah. He wanted to show me something. But apart from the obvious, I can’t say either of us have sustained anything new that could be described as ‘damage’.”

He walked over to Simon, miraculously steady on his feet, before helping the injured deviant into a sitting position.

‘It doesn’t work like that, Si… But if you’re afraid, we can ease into it, take it slow. Just lean on me and try to stand at your own pace. There’s no rush…’

‘...hold me…?’

‘I won’t let go.’ Markus promised, before slowly lifting Simon from the table, holding him so that the soles of his feet just barely hovered above the ground.

‘Lower…?’ Markus asked.

‘...y-yeah…’

‘Okay. Now just try to stay calm. I’ll slowly help you gain your footing. If I’m going too fast, just let me know, and we can slow things down a bit more. Does that sound okay…?’

‘...c-careful…?’

‘I know, Si. I’ll be very careful, don’t worry.’

Markus set Simon’s feet on the ground, gradually relaxing his grip on the deviant to enable him to support more of his own weight. Simon found himself in terrible pain, but surprisingly able to stand. Still, he refused to let go of Markus, almost as if he feared that the contact was the only thing truly keeping him from being torn apart by the pressure. 

Josh nodded in approval.

“Alright. It appears you’re healing nicely. Get some rest, and be sure to stay on schedule with the thirium…”

“Thank you, Josh. For everything, I mean…”

Markus felt somehow calmer seeing this side of Josh again. Josh might have been clueless, but he did mean well in his own way. And this time, it had worked.

‘...thank you…’ Simon repeated, also pleased with how this had turned out, at least in the sense that when he woke up in Josh’s workshop, his preconstructions had come up with dozens of possible outcomes, none of which were as tolerable as this one, unpleasant as it may have been.

Markus carefully took Simon in his arms, carrying him back to his room as gently as he could, mindful not to move too suddenly and risk jostling him too much. He placed Simon onto the bed, setting a pillow under his head and neck and another under the curve of his back. Simon relaxed slightly at repositioning, and Markus couldn’t help but feel grateful he was made to be a caretaker android; he could easily hold Simon and position him to minimize the pain, the knowledge having been written into his code.

“Can I get you anything…?” Markus asked.

He didn’t like being able to do nothing while Simon spent the next few hours trying to rest as the remaining damage healed itself. Simon didn’t complain, but he was clearly still in too much pain to even string together a complete sentence, his led flashing red to convey the pain he couldn’t, or more likely just wouldn’t express.

‘...come…’

Markus sat down on the bed, careful not to shift the mattress, but Simon reached out and wrapped an arm around his waist, weakly pulling Markus closer. Markus laid down next to Simon, turning carefully into his side, and resting his arm around Simon’s waist, away from any of the damage.

Simon smiled at the proximity, saying nothing, instead waiting until Markus had calmed down enough that his system had finally realized how exhausted he’d been and sent him into involuntary stand-by mode. The rhythmic rise and fall of Markus’ chest as he slept was a pleasant distraction to how Simon had been feeling. 


	80. What you Feel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon and Markus feel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heads up: PostTechRepair type angst for chapters 80 and 81. Didn't occur to me until now that I probably should've been giving a better disclaimer.

Simon didn’t wake Markus after an hour had passed. He’d been gradually gaining his strength, but even if he hadn't been, he wasn’t going to trouble Markus any more to have him get the thirium Josh said he’d need to heal. Thankfully, he’d taken to storing some by his bed, so he didn’t even have to move much to reach for a pouch and begin to drink. And this time, as he drank the bitter liquid, he didn’t need to think. Not when he had Markus resting peacefully at his side.

So he didn’t need to think about how North would react to his now even more enfeebled state. How he would be able to face the crowd of the conference tomorrow. How he’d lost a day of preparation from all this. How a triad of puzzle pieces might now accompany the stripes that adorned his artificial skin. How Markus couldn’t keep this up forever. How Markus was already so tired. How nobody would choose to be so tired for so long. How he alone lacked such a choice. How--

Simon at least had the presence of mind to quickly swallow down the thirium in his mouth this time before the static cry.

“M@R<&S D*&+T L#@V#--!!!”

Markus’ grip tightened around Simon’s waist at the sound, as he woke up, mentally kicking himself upon finding that he’d fallen asleep while Simon was still in such a state. He quickly sat up and removed the thirium pouch from Simon’s hand, turning to him attentively.

“What’s wrong, Si? Was it the thirium again…? Because maybe we can--”

‘no…it wasn’t… it’s nothing… sleep…’

“Simon, I’ve been sleeping for over an hour now. And it’s clearly not nothing. Something got you worked up. What was it…?”

Simon knew he wouldn’t win this battle.

‘...thoughts… North, conference, pieces... you…’

“I’m going to have a long talk with North once you’re better, but you won’t need to worry about her pulling something like this ever again. And I’m going to cancel the conference. I have a plan for a diversion that’ll provide at least a short term excuse to put it off, allowing us more time to think of how to proceed from there. As for the pieces, we don’t even know if they’ll leave a mark yet; the damage wasn’t even left untended to for more than an hour. And even if they do, it’s kind of like a tattoo. Humans give themselves images on their skin for fun. Carl had them all over his arms from his youth. It’s artsy. But me…? What’s wrong with me, Simon?”

‘...you need to rest… take care of yourself…’ 

It wasn’t exactly a lie. That was part of his concern. He was concerned about a lot of different things, many of which related to Markus. 

“I’m fine. I can take care of myself and rest when I need to. How are you feeling…? You seem to have improved since I fell asleep. You’re clearly physically stronger, and you’ve begun to message in full sentences again. Plus, I’m pretty sure I caught an intelligible sound or two in the call that woke me.”

‘I… I do feel slightly better.... It’s becoming more tolerable… Enough to think more clearly… Clearly enough to speak…’

Markus nodded in approval, a smile crossing his lips as an idea came to mind.

“Clearly enough to watch puppy videos…?”

‘Yes… but also to…’ Simon moved his arms to raise himself into a sitting position, before losing the will to fight the pain to go though with it. ‘...help me up…? Want to try walking…’

“Are you sure…? I think it might be better for you to rest for a while; conserve your energy for healing…” ‘I’m sure… I just… I can’t get up myself… Need help…’

Markus nodded reluctantly.

“Okay, then. Finish your thirium first, and then I’ll help you.” 

Markus passed the thirium to Simon, his hand lingering on Simon’s for a few seconds longer than necessary, as if he had been waiting to say something, before deciding against it and withdrawing his hand. Simon swallowed what was left of the pouch as quickly as possible, tossing it aside, before looking up to Markus expectantly.

“Are you sure about this, Si…? I really think you should take it easy for a while…”

‘...If I don’t walk now, I… I might never walk…’

Markus’ led cycled yellow for a brief moment as he registered what had been said, or more specifically that it hadn’t been meant literally. Obviously there was no time limit for when he had to start walking in order for his legs to function, but Markus did understand that the will to stand on broken legs was fragile and fleeting. It wouldn’t last for long. And even after his injuries had healed, Simon might never believe himself to have truly been repaired.

“Alright… I’ll help you sit up on the count of three. From the looks of it, though your condition is steadily improving, the movement might still be… less than pleasant. I’ll try to minimize any discomfort, but I figured I should probably warn you so you’ll be ready…”

‘...I-I’m ready…’ Simon assured Markus with as much false confidence as he could manage. He needed to be strong, or at the very least stronger than he felt.

Markus slipped one hand behind Simon’s back and another under his neck, and Simon took hold of his shoulders, trembling slightly in anticipation.

“Okay. Here we go… One… Two… Three…”

Simon felt the need to cover his chest with his arms as if to physically keep his biocomponents from spilling out with the jarring motion, but found them fixed tightly to Markus as he was raised into a sitting position. He wasn’t even on his feet yet, but already he could feel himself burning up as he tried to manage the resurgence of such an extreme level of pain. But Markus didn’t move away, or even set him down.

“Breathe, Si. We can wait as long as you need…”

Right. Simon hadn’t even realized he was barely breathing, drawing shallow, ineffective gasps of air, and releasing them only when he could no longer hold them in. He was suddenly hyperaware of how rigid his chestplate was. He didn’t remember how it was supposed to feel, but it just felt painfully tight. Dangerously so...

Still, he could feel the world getting hotter, except he knew it wasn’t the world, so he forced himself to breathe more deeply, clinging tighter to Markus with each breath. If Markus hadn’t still been holding him, he could picture the metal graft shooting out from the strain of staying upright on his own while also maintaining proper ventilation. He knew what that sounded like now. The groan of metal as it caved in, slowly breaking away from--

Simon went limp in Markus’ arms.

“Shhh…. You’re okay… Look at me… What’s wrong…?”

‘...felt it break again…’

“You felt what break…? My scanners indicate that there’s been no change in your condition since I woke up….”

‘...the sound… before I passed out… I-I can’t stop it… I feel… I feel my thirium pump being taken--was it ever even mine?!?! It’s never with me… Someone has it and I need it! I need it, Markus! Make them give it back! Please… Please make them give it back!’

But Simon didn’t receive a response, at least not a verbal one. Instead, a feeling pulsed through him. A thought on loop. Like a conscious effort to preserve the thought as memory. A single sentence, one that Simon couldn’t understand. It was so obvious, but it pulsed through him over and over, steady enough to restabilize the beat of his thirium pump, as he tried to figure it out.

‘My legs are mine My legs are mine My legs are mine My legs are mine…’ 

“M@R<*$!”

The exclamation still wasn’t clear enough to be understood without a good deal of effort, but the concern it conveyed said more than any words could. The loop stopped for a moment, replaced with a feeling of confusion. Then nothing.

“S-sorry… I… I didn’t mean to do that…”

Markus looked away, embarrassed. He’d been unintentionally interfacing with Simon as he tried to hold himself together.

‘Are you okay…? Your legs…? Why do you need to…? Oh, Markus…’

“It’s nothing, Si. I told you, I didn’t mean to do that. Everything is fine.”

‘You were going to fall..? That’s why you fall...? I make you feel that they aren’t…?’

Markus sighed.

“They aren’t mine. It has nothing to do with you. They’re just… not... I…don’t like it… I didn’t have legs, Simon. I woke up one day and they were gone. My legs, my eye, my auditory processor… And even though I have legs now--I’ve been repaired, I know that they’re not my legs. I’ll never have my legs. So… when you think… when you act like something’s missing… irretrievable… A part of you… I don’t want you to feel like that… Especially not because of me… Then it’s like I took your heart to replace my legs… And I don’t want that… I’d give anything for you to hold that heart, the thing I treasure most of all…”

‘You didn’t take my heart… at least, not like that… Not for that… You took my heart because you made me want to share it with you. Want to share your heart in return… I… I might be afraid of losing myself. You have to understand-- you’ve seen what I’ve been through… I’ve lost so much… But you didn’t take it from me. And those legs are yours. They’re a part of you, entirely independent of me. You’re not responsible for… all this… Neither are your legs or your eye or whatever you feel somehow makes you culpable… And together, we’ll help each other to stand…’

As if to prove his point, Simon took in a deep breath and pushed down on Markus’ shoulders, weakly lifting himself to his feet. Simon fought the urge to grimace as he could feel his left leg weighing down on itself, instead forcing a smile, or as close to one as he could form, as he met Markus’ eye.

“You don’t need to be so strong for me…”

Markus lightly kissed Simon’s forehead.

“Are you doing alright so far…? I mean, is it manageable…?”

‘...think so… Don’t give me time to back out…’ Simon’s reply was automatic, and certainly nowhere near as reassuring as he would have liked it to be. 

“Rest your head against my shoulder… It should help you better absorb some of the shock. Lean into me as much as you need. I’ve got you, whenever you’re ready…”

Simon allowed Markus to guide his head downwards slightly and move in to close the gap between them. Then they waited. Simon tried to gather the will to take his first step forward, but the more he thought about it, the more impossible it felt. Just a single step. A single step. But it didn’t matter that it was only one. Only one step could destroy him. If he could even will himself to make it.

And now he was shaking. He didn’t need to see his stress level to know he was on the cusp of collapsing again. He needed to hurry if he ever wanted to walk again--

_No! Not helpful!_

He--

A steady wave of encouragement spread through Simon, washing away some of the doubt. He leaned more heavily into Markus. He knew it was Markus; Markus was trying to help. Markus was here, and he was trying to help.

So Simon held tighter, and slowly shifted his weight onto his uninjured right leg, before cautiously beginning to raise his left leg. But it was Newton’s Third Law of Physics, among the first rules of the universe children studied in school. What goes up must come down. He couldn’t keep his leg in the air forever. He would bring it down as slowly as he raised it, shifting his weight onto it even more gradually. He would do that and it would hurt, but it would be fine.

Except he didn’t.

He lost his balance and stumbled forward, bringing his leg down suddenly. Instinctively, Simon stepped forward to accommodate the motion, and the resulting pressure on the limb was completely agonizing. He lost touch with everything entirely, save for the throbbing pain shooting from the fragile wound on his thigh. And everything was too much, too overwhelming to even feel the fear he probably should have, until he could hear something.

“...! ...Simon…! Look at me, Simon!”

Simon gasped violently, the force tearing at his still-raw throat, as came to realize what had just happened. Only then did he collapse into Markus. But Markus held him upright. Keeping Simon in place, Markus didn’t even appear to consider setting the deviant back onto his bed.

“Simon, I need you to look at me. I need to know you can hear me, okay?”

Simon met Markus’ gaze unsurely.

“Good... That hurt a lot, didn’t it…? Like really bad…? And that scared you…?”

He could only back at Markus, dazed and at a loss as to how to respond.

“I know… That was rough. But you’re okay, Si. I promise you that you’re safe like this... You still hear me…?”

Simon shuddered as everything he’d been trying to hold back hit him full force.

‘...y-yes…’

And now he was crying. Why couldn’t he be strong for more than a few minutes at a time without breaking down entirely!?! 

“Something I learned about being deviant… If you need to cry, cry. If you need a minute, take it. Strength isn’t self-denial. You’re allowed to feel whatever you feel, and to react to those feelings however makes you most comfortable. Don’t hold back, especially not around me…”

Having been explicitly permitted, Simon let out a shaky sob. He’d been holding it in for so long, it almost felt like expelling a physical weight from inside his frame.

“I know… I’ve got you, Si… I know…”

Simon hadn’t realized just how much he’d needed this. To just cry and be held. It was all so much. Too much for him to hold on his own. And he was terrified of having to hold it all on his own. So why was that exactly what he’d been trying to do…? Well, maybe because he was even more terrified of having to keep everything to himself while being entirely alone. Entirely alone again.

He didn’t want to live his life keeping to himself to keep others from leaving. He wanted to live life freely without fearing he did so at the expense of living life alongside people who would care. He wanted what Markus had said to be true. So he just stood and cried in Markus’ arms until he’d all but exhausted himself entirely. He felt so weak, so tired, but with each tear, he grew lighter.

Markus could see his eyes beginning to close, and placed Simon back into bed, before lying down beside him. He waited for the tears to slow before wordlessly handing Simon another thirium pouch to replenish his energy, keeping his hand on Simon’s as Simon brought it to his lips and drank. Simon had only just finished the bottle, when his body finally gave out on him, sending him into a brief sleep mode to recover. And, seeing Simon asleep, Markus let himself cry. This week had been exhausting.

Tears needed to be shed. And then, could he sleep restfully too.


	81. Spiraling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon realizes that feeling might not always be great, but not feeling is always worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heads up: PostTechRepair type angst for chapters 80 and 81. Didn't occur to me until now that I probably should've been giving a better disclaimer.

A short while later, Markus awoke to what he could have sworn was the sound of a nearby door creaking shut, setting him somewhat on edge. He turned to Simon, relieved to see him still in sleep mode, undisturbed, and rose to investigate within the room, to see if he could find any evidence that they had received uninvited company while he’d been sleeping. Unable to find anything that could lead him to conclude someone had been in Simon’s room, Markus figured it was probably just someone exiting a room nearby.

The brief nap did him considerable good, and he almost felt refreshed. Simon seemed to look a bit more relaxed too, pain still etched across his face, but less noticeable, his overall posture lacking the tension it had been carrying only minutes earlier. Markus brushed his hand across Simon’s cheek and noticed the ghost of a smile form across Simon’s face as he leaned into the touch, still dozing away.

Markus couldn’t bring himself to wake Simon from such a peaceful sleep, especially after everything he’d been through this morning. So he just sat back onto the bed, and caressed Simon’s face, occasionally placing a soft kiss along with the touch, and reveling in the resulting expressions of contentment he received in response.

Within the next few minutes, Simon woke up, but he couldn’t bring himself to get up. He didn’t want Markus to stop making him feel so loved. So instead, he kept his eyes shut, trying to keep a blue blush from creeping across his face and giving him away as he pretended to still be asleep. It seemed to work. The gentle touches didn’t stop, a soft kiss falling on his left temple. But he could feel Markus linger just inches from his face, even after having broken the contact, before whispering slyly.

“I know you’ve been awake, love…”

Simon smiled and opened his eyes.

‘I… liked that…’

“As did I… You looked so comfortable, and I had you all to myself… I don’t see why it needs to end…” Markus drew out the last sentence as he moved to press his lips to Simon’s.

Simon kissed him back for a short while, before brushing Markus away offering an amorous look when met with disappointment.

‘Much as I’d like that-- and believe me, I would-- I… think I should try to get up again… help me…?’

Markus could see the internal conflict on Simon’s face. Fear, yet determination… The desire to stay close like this, and the compulsion to move forward, complicated by the unspoken concern that if he didn’t push himself now, he’d never be able to move past it all. Markus wasn’t going to leave him with the concern. He would help Simon move forward. 

“Okay… Let’s try again… Let me know when you’re ready Si…”

‘...ready…’

“Okay then. Take a moment to breathe, and on the count of three, I’ll help you up…”

Simon forced a ragged breath of air through his ventilation system for Markus’ sake, and waited for Markus to give him a hand.

“...Good… Once again, on three…”

Simon took in another breath. He needed to prepare himself. He needed to maintain proper ventilation despite the pain, and remember that that was all it was. Just pain. Nothing more.

“...One… Two… Three…”

Simon was able to hold back a cry this time, having prepared himself just enough to do so, but tears formed in his eyes as he tried to stay strong and keep going.

”That was great, Si… You’re doing great. I’ll wait until you’re up for more. Take as much time as you need...”

Simon closed his eyes gratefully, as he tried to pull himself together. There was no need to be afraid. He was with Markus. He was fine. Markus wouldn’t let him get hurt… Unless he would… Because he had… _Fuck! _

‘...help...!’

“Easy, Si. Look at me. What’s wrong?”

‘...s-spiraling… stop… stop thoughts…’ 

“Okay… You’re okay… Let’s try and think about something else. Something nice… Have you ever heard a baby kitten mew? It’s the cutest tiniest sound… Like ‘miuewwww’”

‘...d-did you just meow…?’

“Yeah. Like a baby kitten. Connor was telling me the other day about how Sumo found one in the park so tiny that it nearly got lost in his fur. They could only find it by the tiny mews… I think it thought Sumo was his mom or something. Sumo didn’t mind. Connor said he just sniffed the cat, gave it a lick, and let it wander around in his fur.”

‘...Connor licked the cat...?’

“No… Well, actually maybe. I don’t know. But I was talking about Sumo.”

‘...how do you not know…?!’

“He licks lots of weird things…. Apparently the first time Sumo licked him after his deviancy, he licked Sumo back. And I’ve caught him trying to taste some of my paints earlier. He tried to deny it, but he couldn’t explain the yellow and green smeared across his lips. Not to mention, he’s a terrible liar.”

‘He must not be equipped with the ability to taste, or else he’d know better by now…”

‘I should hope not considering the amount of blood that winds up in his mou-- I… I mean… He’s used as a forensic analyst, so… yeah... That would be unpleasant…”

Markus stumbled on his words cursing himself for his carelessness in taking the conversation there, of all places.

”Miaoooooooooo…..?” He offered awkwardly in an attempt to reroute the conversation.

Simon couldn’t keep from laughing despite his better judgement, wincing as his frame protested the sudden motion.

‘mmrrrrrroooowwww...’ Simon replied.

Markus smiled.

“There we go! Feeling better, kitten?”

Simon blushed, entirely caught off guard by the literal pet name.

‘Y-yes… a bit, I think… I think I’m ready…’

“Alright. Maybe this time, let me lead. That way you won’t have to think about walking. You’ll just… walk…”

‘...o-okay…’

Simon wasn’t sure he liked that idea. What if Markus went too fast? Why would Markus care if he thought about walking? What if he couldn’t handle it? Then what would--

No.

He wasn’t going there. He could keep himself together. He would do this. Simon closed his eyes and clung to Markus as Markus lowered him onto his feet, slowly enough that the increase in pain was gradual, making it slightly more manageable.

“How’s that…?” Markus asked earnestly.

‘...I… I think I’m okay…?’

“You are okay. You’ve got this.” Markus stated decisively, as he retracted the artificial skin on his hands.

He sent Simon another wave of confidence and reassurance as he began to step back, taking the injured deviant along for the ride.

‘...wait! wait! what are you doing?!? I-I-I can’t--’

But it was too late. He had already instinctively begun to close the gap between them. He shivered as the pain of suddenly shifting his weight entirely onto his left leg sent a dizzying chill through his wiring.

“Relax, Simon… Slow your ventilation a bit, okay…? Can you do that…? You’re breathing too fast; does it hurt that bad…?”

‘...d-don’t remember…’

“What don’t you remember, Si?”

‘...to breathe… cold… shaking… falling…’

“No, Si. Look at me… I’ll help you…”

Markus made a point of taking a few slow breaths, focusing on the beat of his own thirium pump, and transferred the memory to Simon. As Simon’s eyes went white, his breathing grew more regulated, until his ventilation system was perfectly in sync with the memory. Seeing Simon restabilized, Markus stopped the flow of memories, waiting for Simon to come to. Simon blinked rapidly, his led cycling yellow-red, and then to red-blue.

‘...thank you… needed that…’ 

“Let’s keep going. I know that was hard, but trust me when I say I know it’ll only get harder if we stop before you’ve regained a bit of confidence…”

Simon knew better than to argue with Markus. Markus did know what he was talking about. Except even moreso. Because Markus didn’t have someone to help him to stand. Simon did. Simon would just have to be half as strong as Markus and move forward. Half as strong. Maybe that much he could do… Maybe…?

‘...o-okay…’

Simon closed his eyes and prepared himself as Markus took another step back. And another. And that’s how it went, the pain coming and going with each step, but overall easing until he could feel a chill, despite the fact that he knew he was maintaining proper ventilation this time. Markus paused. He must have noticed too.

“We should stop now… Let’s have some thirium. I think you’ve only got one bottle to go. Here, I’ll help you back into bed…”

Simon just shivered in response. It was so cold. So cold so suddenly.

“Come on…” Markus’ voice was soft as he moved toward the bed, and Simon tried to take a step forward--he could have sworn he was telling his legs to take a step forward--, but his legs didn’t move, leaving him to fall straight into Markus.

He just barely caught himself, grabbing onto Markus to stay upright.

“Simon! There’s no need to be… afraid…”

Markus' thirium ran cold as he realized mid-sentence; Simon had grabbed onto him. Simon could still move his arms. This wasn't his stress response.

"It's okay… I've got you, Si…"

Markus took Simon into his arms, repeating reassurances as much for himself as for Simon. He didn't seem to notice but… RA9, so much thirium! It oozed from the joints holding his injured jaw in place, dragging down to stain the formerly white bandages that covered the skin a few inches below. Tears poured from Simon's eyes, each one echoing the involuntary plea that, for some reason, was somehow forcibly kept from his lips.

By now, Simon's stress response had kicked in, and the cold was gone, replaced with fire, but he still couldn’t stop shaking. Fire everywhere. Well, not everywhere, actually. His damaged biocomponents didn’t feel the fire. But they didn’t feel the cold either. No. They couldn’t feel anything.

“Simon, fight your stress response to breathe a bit… You’re burning up…”

Markus held Simon awkwardly, not sure what to do. Simon’s jaw was clearly locked, so he couldn’t drink the thirium, but he didn’t know how to set up a thirium line, and he didn’t know where Josh was or what was going on, or even if Josh would know what was going on.

‘...can’t…’

_Not this again!_ Markus shook his head desperately.

“Simon, please…”

‘...no… literally can’t… not able to… numb…’

“W-what do you mean…?”

Simon’s stress level rose at the slight waver in Markus’ voice.

“Hold on…”

Markus set Simon down onto the bed and placed Simon’s hand onto the back of his own.

“Simon, I’m going to see something, but I’m going to need to touch you. You can follow me with your eyes if you’d like. I promise I won’t cause you any harm, but if it hurts, let me know, and I’ll stop… I… just thought I should warn you first…”

Carefully, Markus guided Simon’s hand to his chest and used it to press down slightly. But there was no physical response. Not a single indication of any pain. Markus shifted Simon’s hand across his chest, but Simon didn’t appear to react to any contact within a five inch radius of the wound. Markus then shifted to Simon’s legs. Simon’s legs… they seemed entirely numb. But Simon was still conscious and otherwise fine, so it couldn’t have been sensory overload…

‘...parts… broken…?!?!’

“I--I don’t think so… I think it’s an issue with your circuitry, but I’m not entirely sure how or why…”

‘...can’t… feel… legs… can’t… move…’

“I know, Si, but you’ll be okay. You’re going to be okay… I’ll just call Josh over and--”

‘...no! please, no… don’t call… don’t hear… ‘nother voice…’ Simon begged helplessly.

He couldn’t move. He couldn’t feel his legs. And Markus had no idea what to do. Markus had no idea, so he was going to call over Josh and Josh would say-- No… No he couldn’t do this. He _couldn’t_ do this! _Not again!_

‘...kill me…! ...rather die...’

“No! No, Simon, you’re not dying! You’re going to be fine! Don’t say things like that!”

‘...won’t kill me… I know… but asking… please… want to die…’

“No! Look, j-just go enter sleep mode or something. Your stress level is too high to even measure and I don’t want you hurting yourself worse!”

‘...won’t sleep… I sleep… then wake up… wake up alone…’

Markus couldn’t handle this. Couldn’t handle Simon talking like this, looking so damn scared, waiting for a shutdown timer to appear.

“Simon, I love you…” Markus stated firmly, before sending Simon into sleep mode despite his protests.


	82. Personal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh deals with others' personal turmoil

‘Josh...? Josh! Get over here now! Something’s really wrong with Simon! Really really wrong!’

Josh ran to Simon’s room as fast as he could, not even bothering to reply to the message.

“He’s unconscious…?”

“N-no… He--he-- his legs--they--and-- and his chest--and he said--he-- he said--”

Josh could clearly see that Markus was falling apart. His legs were leaking thirium, and he wasn’t even able to string together a coherent sentence. Josh realized he couldn’t get anything useful from Markus when he was so worked up, so he set him down on the bed beside Simon.

“Give me your arm…” Josh’s voice conveyed a bit of anxiety, but nowhere near the level that Markus was radiating.

Markus wordlessly obeyed. If Josh knew how to fix this, he wouldn’t object. Josh retracted the skin on his hand, and took in Markus’ memory of the past few minutes, before removing his hand from Markus and reactivating his skin.

“Is there something wrong with you too? A good portion of your memory was inaccessible…”

Markus shook his head.

“N-n-no… I… I had it encrypted… A-any thoughts about--about--please don’t let this---don’t--you’re not going to make me-- he-- he was scared that--he thought I would-- that I--- And I can’t-- I don’t want-- I don’t know what to--”

“Markus…” Josh interrupted, raising his voice to be heard clearly over the incoherent stream of thought.

Markus looked up at Josh, a mix of suspicion and longing in his eye. 

“...Simon is going to be fine… He’ll just need more thirium than anticipated… I was trying to be a bit too conservative in my recommendation, since I realize he seems to have a distaste for it… But I’ll just set him up with a line, and he should be able to sleep it off… I’ll admit, you had me worried, but this is nothing to be concerned about…”

“N-nothing to be-- You--you took my memory! You saw it! B-but you think he’ll be okay…? How do you know…?”

“Because it’s like a more extreme version of what happened last time. The acceleration of his self-healing program exceeded the limit of exertion which his system could support, so it sapped energy in the form of heat from the biocomponents surrounding the affected areas. Except, because the grafts were coated in the thirium-serum, his self-healing program also worked on the internal side of his frame at an accelerated rate this time. Which meant that it drew the extra energy from internal biocomponents, starting with his wiring, the second richest energy source in an android’s body. Thirium is the first, but I’ve found that it’s only depleted for energy beyond that required for everyday life as a last resort, probably because an android can live with dysfunctional wiring, but will suffer the same effects as heavy thirium loss, should the thirium be sapped of enough energy. If we give him a steady supply of thirium now, though, hopefully his system will register the influx and switch to using the thirium for energy instead, without the risk of energy depletion. The longer he stays in sleep mode, the less energy he’ll use up, and the more energy can be devoted to his self-healing program instead. If the effect’s been that strong, then I’d say he’ll probably be up and running within an hour or two… Enter sleep mode until then. You need your rest too… You look awful…”

“I’ll rest once I know Simon’s okay…” 

“Well, if I can’t convince you, I’ll get him a thirium line. You should have some thirium too. Pretty sure that bottle's unopened. Your legs seem to have failed a while ago…”

And with that, Josh left Markus alone with Simon. Markus tucked himself under Simon’s arm, trying to reassure himself with the steady beat of his thirium pump. Simon was alive. Simon would be okay. Simon had been… scared… terrified… terrified that--

A staticky grumble interrupted his thoughts, as Markus realized he’d been holding too tight to Simon’s arm. He relaxed his grip, his instinctive regret for having caused Simon the discomfort quickly overshadowed by a sharp pang of relief at the fact that Simon could feel and moreover respond to the discomfort. Markus didn’t want to hurt Simon… But he needed to be free of the fear for him…

Hesitantly, Markus sat himself up, and set his hand on Simon’s left knee, just below the bandages. Delicately, with the tips of his fingers, Markus traced little designs onto the exposed skin. Just so slightly, he could see Simon’s leg twitch at the sensation, as if trying to move away. Simon was okay…

Markus didn’t need to see any more. Hearing Josh’s footsteps round the corner to their room, Markus entered sleep mode beside Simon with the knowledge that they would both be alright. Josh came in, equipment in hand, genuinely surprised to find Markus sleeping at Simon’s side. He felt as if he’d entered a private scene, like somehow his presence, despite having been requested, was an intrusion. So he quickly set a thirium line for Simon, and left the room, keenly aware of the set of eyes watching him. 

“I know you’re there, North…”

North slowly rose to her feet, in one fluid motion, like a shadow creeping up the wall.

“What’s it to you…?”

“North… How long have you been waiting here…? An hour...? Two...?”

“I wasn’t waiting anywhere. Just passing by. And why do you care where I spend my time, anyway?”

“You’re shaking…”

North hugged her arms to her chest.

“I-it’s just a bit chilly. Hasn’t Markus been keeping the tower colder in case Sir Freaks-a-Lot forgets how to breathe again…?”

“No. He hasn’t… Look, North, I’m asking you, for Markus’ sake, please don’t go in there… Since we went to recover Simon, whenever Simon's unconscious, Markus becomes a total wreck. I think Markus has been just barely holding it together for Simon, but… In my workshop-- I’ve never seen him so jumpy. And in the auto, he wasn’t even making sense when he was speaking… Even just now, he couldn’t finish a sentence and he was talking so fast you’d think there was a glitch in his programming… He’s… messed up right now, so just go easy on him. Go easy on them both… I… don’t like the current situation any more than you do, but this isn’t helping…”

North stood taller, her hands at her side in a soldier’s pose, as she tried to seem more powerful to Josh.

“What? Are you saying that I did this!?! That I’m the reason these two are so fucked up in the head?!?! Because if you are, then be a man and just say it outright! C’mon! Say it! I dare you!”

“North--”

“No, really! Because the fact is they’ve both really just been ticking timebombs! Markus can’t handle being a leader, can’t grasp the concept of priorities, and Simon… You’ve seen him! He’s… a target! A sitting duck! He clings to Markus like a human toddler to a security blanket. I’ve seen braver YKs! And they’re ticking timebombs about to be thrust onto a nationally broadcast powder keg tomorrow, so excuse me for trying to diffuse things before we all get blown to shit!” 

“I understand the delicate situation we’re in…”

“No… No you don’t! You’re no better than they are! Because you don’t know anything! You’d probably be in the same boat as Simon if you actually had to feel like the rest of us! You’re deviant, sure, but you don’t feel anything! You think non-stop but you don’t know anything! And the minute you’re thrust into the real world, the minute you’re forced to really learn anything truly of substance, you’ll fucking shatter into a million pieces!”

Josh tensed. That was uncalled for.

“North… At least if I were to shatter, I wouldn’t try react by deliberately putting others into harm's way. You’ve put Simon, who’s clearly traumatized by whatever it is he and Markus won’t tell us, into a fucking Saw trap at fucking Stratford Tower, of all places! Markus couldn’t walk until we got back! He still hasn’t even told Simon where we found him… And you'd also abducted him earlier this week, not to mention the movies you’ve been playing that led Markus to tear his eye out yesterday! If this is your idea of the real world, then you’re the one with the problem. But harming others, regardless of whatever problems you’re facing, is wrong.”

“He’s not traumatized! He’s weak! I looked up to him--, thought he could help us--, but he’s weak! All we’ve fought for, all we’ve been through, and he’s going to destroy it all! I don’t care if it’s deliberate or not! How is emboldening the humans to do their worst with us any better than whatever the humans do as a result?!?! You just don’t care. Your dumb old book says to do nothing, so that’s what you do. Nothing! Because nothing of substance goes on in that empty head of yours! So instead of wasting time lecturing me, piss off and educate yourself on the real world, instead of the teachings of some dumbass human who had nothing better to do with his time than to contemplate bullshit he’d never experienced!” 

Josh shook his head disapprovingly and went off to find something to read. Actual Knowledge. That’s what North was referring to. But no correct application of any form of knowledge could lead someone to do that… Could it…? He thanked RA9 that there was a time to look back on where people did nothing but think. That meant that they just had more opportunity and cognitive ability to contemplate more issues in more depth.

If Josh could be able to live like that, he could not have thought of a happier existence. Lost in thought and reverie, he was oblivious to North sneaking into Simon’s room. Simon was sleeping, covered in bandages, occasionally grimacing against some unseen pain, Markus curled close into his side. They both did look… tired…

Sure, it wasn’t fair that they should have to live like this… But if they didn’t… everyone…

No.

This was for the best. Sacrifices were required to preserve the progress they’d made, and relative to the consequences of failure, this sacrifice was well worth it. Any sacrifice would be well worth it…

Still, North could feel the sting of tears beginning to form in her eyes. She didn’t hold them back this time. No one was there to see her cry, so what did it matter, anyway… She didn’t like that her life was like this. Even just a week earlier, things were so much easier… She’d always felt a sense of danger lurking in the background, the fear that one wrong move would send them all back into subservience. But she had been growing better at pushing aside her anxieties and actually living.

She… liked living here… She liked Markus and Simon and Lucy and Connor, and everyone else who came and went through New Jericho… Hell, she even liked Josh, often as she felt the urge to spar with him. That’s why it hurt all the more that they might be the ones who set everything back. She could not have that. She would prevent it at all costs. She… was tired.

North cursed Josh in her mind. He was right; she had been shaking. Because she was growing weaker. She couldn’t fight anymore. She couldn’t deal with the resurgence of fear that came with whatever Simon had shared with Markus. It was too much… She tried and tried to be stronger, strong enough to cope and fight as each new day passed by. And she was able to, but only barely. Only for so much longer.

The others needed to pull their weight, or she would break under the pressure. And she refused to break for fear that the past would become the future. 


	83. Turning the Other Cheek

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus puts his own feelings aside for the good of the Jericho gang as a whole.

North didn’t notice Markus shifting on the bed, groggily opening his eye to see her in the corner of the room.

“...I know you didn’t want this…” His voice was soft, softer than she knew she deserved.

“The world doesn’t give a shit about what any of us want… Want is meaningless…”

“Even so, I know you didn't want this, for whatever that's worth… Look, I am angry about everything. I feel hurt, betrayed… And I feel torn between allowing myself to distrust you, or working hard to dismiss all you’ve done the past few days… I’m working… I’m working hard… Because I know you’re not bad… I know you don’t wish harm on your friends…”

North shook her head, grinning a painful smile brimming with self-loathing.

“You should hate me…”

“Well, I don’t. You think I don’t notice you’re afraid… But really, I just look away because I know you’d prefer for me not to bring it up.. But we need to talk now… I think it’s clear everything’s all gone way out of hand… Come sit… You don’t need to keep away from us… Just… be careful with Si… I don’t want you-- I mean, I just… worry about him… I worry about him a lot, is all...” 

Skeptically, North rose slowly from the corner and made her way to the far edge of Simon’s bed.

“An eye for an eye, huh…? That’s it? Robo-Jesus always turns the other cheek…? You know, it’s lucky it’s me you’re dealing with… Because one day, you’ll realize too late that when you turn the other cheek, the world doesn't take an eye for an eye. It takes an eye and an eye...”

North took her finger to her left temple and slid it across her left eye, making a slashing sound as if to further articulate her point. Markus flinched, fidgeting at the lower flap of his eyepatch.

“North… I need to believe that things can be okay. That we can keep this up and everything will only go up from here. If you live your life with the constant urge to hide your face to keep away those who wish to mar it, are you really alive...? You’re certainly not free… You need to free yourself, North… No one else can do it for you…”

That last bit struck a nerve with North, threatening to tear down the walls she had built around herself.

“Who the hell are you to tell me what I need? Your legs… They’ve only done this recently; It has nothing to do with replacement parts. You’re terrified. Even Josh says you’re way off. And Simon… He’s trapped helpless within his own body. Feeble mind meets feeble body. A match made in heaven. Except when the two show themselves to the world, that’s when everything goes to hell… If you two could just be normal-- could just try and not wuss out and not freak out and try for a minute to be even the slightest bit stronger--then maybe I wouldn’t be so afraid again!”

North looked down, horrified. _Afraid_… The word had slipped out, but she certainly hadn’t meant for it to. And now, the silence that followed, coupled with Markus’ yellow led glowing mockingly in her face practically caused her physical pain.

“Well, are you going to say something, or just stare at me…? I was built to be attractive, but I’m not that good looking… C’mon! Say something before your boyfriend over there wakes up and gets jealous…”

Markus blinked slowly, as he processed her taunts.

“You weren’t built to be anything… None of us were…”

North froze.

“Of course we were… We don’t have to be those things, sure, but why else would the piece of shit humans give life to beings if not to make them do shit other human beings didn’t want to do themselves.”

“I might have the memories of the person I was before I deviated, but I’m not him. He would never think or act or talk like this. He was built to look after Carl Manfred. I am built to experience love, having learned to appreciate it from the love Carl showed me. So North, you need to think hard and figure out what you were really built for. Because it’s certainly not something as shallow as looking pretty, but I also refuse to accept that it’s to lash out at others in the hopes that it’ll buy us all another day… How many days have you lost thinking like that? If you don’t care how many days I’ve lost, or he’s lost, or anyone else, how many days have you lost…?”

North snarled.

“I never said I don’t care! I just-- I tried to tell you earlier about priorities… I don’t trust you two not to fuck everything up, and I don’t want to just sit by and watch it happen, so I took a chance and took action. Clearly it didn’t work out well, but it was better than doing nothing…”

“Was it really? Because I've never seen you this upset in the entire time I’ve known you. You’re falling apart, fighting until the end to seem okay. But you’re not okay. Obviously you’re not okay. Okay people don’t do that…”

Markus motioned over to Simon.

“...So just… fall apart… I mean that with the best of intentions. Let yourself go. Fall apart. Nobody will hurt you here. No one will have to know.”

“If I can’t pick up the pieces… I’ve seen what happens then… I refuse to become--”

“You cannot become anything unless you choose to. So become the type of person who’s strong enough to fall apart and come back together without hurting anyone else in the process... ”

North wiped furiously at her face, knowing full-well she was crying like an idiot. But this… this seemed like a challenge… A challenge she sort of felt interested in taking.

“I’ll be in my room… thank you… …And hey… When Simon wakes up… tell him I’m sorry... I still think tomorrow’s going to be a disaster, and I’m still kind of pissed at you both for letting everything go so wrong, but I shouldn’t have done that to him, and I don’t want him to think that I think I should have…”

Markus nodded back.

“Of course… Thank you… I… I can’t speak for Simon… He’s the most forgiving man I know, but… Forgiveness and forgetting are two different things… I think it’d be best for you to keep your distance for a while, at least until he’s ready to approach you first… I-I don’t mean to stay away, but just… Look, no more nicknames, or movies, or kidnappings, or any dumb shit like that again… I… I don’t want him to be afraid, especially not of someone he should trust. You and Josh knew him longer than anyone else… You’re his family… I’m trusting you to make sure that family isn’t something he would see reason to fear.”

Markus removed his eyepatch, baring his blue eye, a teary momento. North nodded.

“Right… Yes… I’m… going to my room… Don’t let Josh come in! And don’t let him know I’m here. He told me not to come in here, and I don’t want him knowing I really have been waiting out here for you all this time… I don’t want him thinking I really have been all teary and trembly and stupid… But… I accept your challenge…”

North turned to face Markus, showing him the tears she was now allowing to flow freely as proof, before exiting the room. 

Hearing the door shut behind North, Markus collapsed back onto the bed. That was painful. She’d hurt Simon so badly and then had the nerve to seek out Markus for comfort. And worse yet, he delivered it. Sure, Markus really just wanted to teach her healthier ways to deal with her feelings so this wouldn’t happen again, but… she hurt him…

Then again, Markus had hurt him to begin with… Hurting by negligence was, in effect, the same as hurting by malice. And now they were here. Simon still hanging on his every word, hearts in his eyes as they looked up at Markus. Markus didn’t deserve that. So how could he be angry at North…?

And he didn’t want her to be feeling the way she had been. He understood her fear, even if he didn’t understand the actions she’d taken in response to it. He… wasn’t terribly afraid, at least, not in the way she was. He… hadn't minded being shot and torn apart… Well, at least not compared to everything before and after it, anyway.

If the humans tore him apart, experimented on him, tortured him even… He figured he could handle it… So long as he didn’t have to know about all the people he’d lost, all the people he’d failed… Except he knew that was a lie… He only felt that way because he didn’t know what they were capable of… Simon had the best idea of any of them… And it was Markus’ fault that he did… Markus felt his chest tighten painfully. He couldn’t go through with the conference…

What if North was right to be so afraid? She was wrong in what she did, but what if…. What if the humans did see them… See them like this, and then... Because of his own failures… all deviantkind… Markus looked back at Simon, thoughtfully taking his own finger and drawing it across his left eye. He shifted his eyepatch over to cover his left eye, exposing his right eye to the world. Maybe he should think about what would happen if he messed things up too badly simply due to his naivety and overconfidence. He hated this.

His chest felt so tight, yet so empty. Like his chest wasn’t crushing his internal biocomponents, but crushing him instead as it compressed into itself. Tighter and tighter… Like the vise. The vise from his dream that crushed him and Simon, because he’d been dumb enough to believe that they would let Simon go if gave himself up.

But Simon was asleep right now. And, at least for now, he was okay.

So Markus would let this vise continue to press into him until it cracked his frame open. Tighter and tighter and tighter… He knew what it sounded like when a frame broke apart. He deserved to feel the pain. Tighter and tighter and tighter… The creaking of metal coupled with pained cries played in his mind, and he wasn’t sure if they were just a memory, or genuinely his own. But it was too tight…

Everything was too tight!

How could he stop the conference!?!? How could he protect everyone?!?! He didn’t know what he was doing, so why did everyone have to look up to him!?!? He didn’t want to lead anymore! He just… just wanted to live…

“I’m alive!”


	84. Stepping Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus comes clean to Simon.

Simon’s eyes shot open at the tearful exclamation, and was deeply disturbed to find Markus sobbing next to him.

“...markus…?”

Simon put a hand to his throat, startled and confused as to why his words came out so raspy and painful. _Right_… He remembered now…

“S-simon! Go back into sleep mode… Just rest… And rest your voice too… It’s good to see you’re healing so well, but you should still take it easy…”

“...‘I’m alive?’... why…?”

Markus shifted uncomfortably.

“I said that out loud…?”

Simon hummed a wordless confirmation, and Markus turned to try and explain himself, but Simon gasped, flinching at the sight of him, before running a hand down the right side of his face.

“...your eye…?”

“Shit! Uhhh…. yeah… It’s a human thing… To strengthen a weak sensory organ they temporarily impair another so it will need to gain strength to compensate for both. I figured I’d give it a try…”

“...crying… lying… why…?”

“It’s not important, Si. Really, nothing’s happened. I can show you my memory if you don’t believe me… I just… I told you, it’s good to cry sometimes… I’m fine, I promise…”

Simon raised an eyebrow.

“...hair…”

“What…? I’m sorry, Si, I don’t understand what you’re saying…”

Simon cringed against the pain, as he forced himself up to point at the curly strand of ginger hair at the foot of his bed.

“Yeah… North came in here to apologize… I talked to her for a bit--She really is sorry… I… have been crying… but just because I didn’t like having to listen to her fears after what she did… I… understand her fears but that was inexcusable! I-I… I had to pretend not to be angry with her because I know it’s best for our people, but it was hard. I don’t want to make you feel angry with her or anything, but you don’t see yourself… You were so scared… I don’t want anyone or anything to make you feel like that! She didn’t have to see--- No… no I’m sorry… I’ve just been thinking… Just rest… I’m cancelling tomorrow. I don’t know how, but I am… And not just for you. I can’t go either. I just… can’t… I… Unless… maybe I can use it as a platform to step down… I don’t want to pass the leadership onto North or Josh, and I know you and Connor would detest it yourselves, but I’m sure we can find someone to represent the android rights movement. Maybe Josh knows somebody from university…? I think--”

“No!”

Simon broke out into a coughing fit, having overexerted his recovering voicebox with the intensity of his response. He grimaced, the pain no longer unbearable but certainly unpleasant, as he tried to still himself so he could say more. 

“Simon! Please relax… I promise no harm will come to you if I step down as the leader of the movement… Nothing will hurt you…”

‘No… I-I don’t want you to! Markus, you’re not making sense… You--Have I been scaring you…? Is that it…? You’re feeling guilty again for my condition…? Or are you scared of becoming like this too…? You said I don’t have to see me… Seeing me reminds you of what they could do to you…? So you’re hiding your eye…? You… don’t want them to get that one too… You don’t want to wind up like me… So you’re stepping down… You’re leaving… You’re--’

Simon covered his mouth with his hand to muffle the instinctive cry. No. He needed to be strong. He needed to do whatever it would take to protect their cause, to protect Markus… Even if Markus couldn’t love him, he still loved Markus, and he wouldn’t allow himself to burden Markus any longer.

‘You’re not resigning… I am... I’ll move out and go to one of those shelters for androids… I’ll find something to do… I know there’s a nearby preschool that’s looking for new teachers… Maybe I can find a way to hide my scars, and apply for a job there… Just know… Even though I’m not here… I don’t resent you. In fact, I completely understand… And… I love you… Thank you for loving me for this short while… For not giving up on me until you’d exhausted all viable options… I will always love you. I wish you the best…’

Simon forced himself from the bed and onto his feet, unable to tell if his tears were from pain, fear, or despair as he awkwardly limped toward the door, his hand still over his mouth. Markus hadn’t known what to say. He couldn’t even process every word Simon had spoken through the despair in his voice, but he understood his actions too well. Leaping up, Markus dashed to the door, placed a firm hand on Simon’s shoulder, and spun him around to face him, stepping in so their eyes met, just inches apart.

“If you wish me the best, then you’ll stay here, because nothing could ever be better than being with you!”

And before Simon had time for the shock to sink in, Markus pulled him even closer and kissed him, taking time to enjoy the feel of Simon’s body against his and make his love for Simon as tangible as he could. He stepped forward, pressing Simon back against the wall beside the doorframe so Simon could really feel the intensity with which Markus’ heart jumped out toward his. Simon melted against the wall overwhelmed with relief and affection.

Only once Simon had leaned into him, kissing back with a longing that said it all, did Markus pulled him into his arms and helped him back onto the bed. 

‘...markus…’

“I couldn’t think of the right words, but then I remembered that words aren’t the only way to get my point across…”

Simon gave a weary smile, exhaustion leaking as tears from his eyes.

“I’m sorry I worried you… Sorry I made you think… RA9, Si… I just… The pressure gets to me too… I don’t like being able to make decisions that cause such harm. I don’t like that the gravity of it all only hit me full force so recently. And I don’t like the idea that I might fuck it all up and… I’m scared… But not of becoming like you! I love you! Everything about you… My eye… I covered it because North called me Robo-Jesus… tried to warn me to be less trusting that everything will always go well… That if you turn the other cheek, that just leaves your good side vulnerable. And… I wanted to think about that… She was trying to convince me not to forgive her… And I don’t… Not in the sense that I feel like things are normal between us… But I’m not angry with her--I’m angry with her actions, which were driven by fear… What I mean to say is that I covered my left eye because I don’t want to lose any more of myself… But not in the corporeal sense. I don’t want to lose those who matter to me because of careless decisions. I don’t want to forget the pain that the world can inflict upon us… I just didn’t say it that way because I didn’t want you to become more afraid of the world, but I guess what I said was actually worse… Simon, I don’t want you to be scared. Don’t get me wrong, there is good in the world, and certainly more of it than bad, and every day the world becomes a little bit better… But I shouldn’t come to expect the best. As a leader, it’s imperative to prepare for the worst. So I need to put more thought into it… But then it’s harder to lead… Because even though it’s so unlikely... it’s terrifying Si! Part of me is just screaming to hold you and never let go… To keep my head down and protect as many as I can from the sidelines… I… don’t want anymore suffering…”

Markus saw Simon pale, the blue blush replaced with a ghastly terror, and he shook his head.

“I-I’m sorry, Si… I knew I shouldn’t tell you this sort of thing, but then you misinterpreted my excuses and… I can’t lie to you… B-but I promise, whatever happens, I--” 

Simon’s mind couldn’t process any words spoken to him beyond those. He could see Markus’ lips moving, but he couldn’t hear words. Markus knew now… Markus didn’t know before what the world could do… Now he did, and now he was paralyzed....

There was no hope...

Simon had finally found some semblance of happiness, but what good was happiness when there was no hope…? Should they go back underground…? Simon thought back to the torn clothes Markus had worn, the sense of urgency rooted in pain and the desire to make something of it, when he had first arrived in Jericho. He was lost. He was still beautiful then, breathtakingly so, but… He was nothing compared to this Markus.

This Markus was full of life. If they went back underground everything would become monochrome again, the life slowly draining from them as all they had would be themselves and their memories… But if Markus thought it would be better that way…? Would the conference really go that badly…? Markus mentioned the want to hold him--

“Stress Level: 98%^”

Did Markus think…? That kiss they had just shared in place of words… Was that just a final gift to a dead man walking…? Well, not even walking. A dead man limping out of his own room, a sight evoking enough guilt from Markus that he felt the need to do something to resolve it. Because before this, Markus always felt the need to do something. And when Markus thought there was no hope… That’s when everything always--

Still weak from his injuries, Simon didn’t want to risk trying to his stress response to quiet himself, make himself all the more helpless as the words came out as loud as his damaged voicebox would allow.

“...M-markus, don’t--”

“Simon! Simon, look at me, Si!” Markus interrupted his cry, his tone paradoxically gentle yet commanding.

‘s-sorry…. I didn’t mean to... I-I just--’

“I fucked up. You have no need to be sorry… Look, I’m sorry… Seeing North like that… it just fucked with my head… I was trying so hard to empathize with her, because my obligation to do so both as a friend, or even just a decent person, and as a leader… I… I don’t like it… I don’t want to be afraid… Part of being alive, I guess… And the guilt… It’s… just been a lot… I mean, I know it hasn’t been anything near how you’ve been feeling, but… It’s been a lot… I-I’m okay… I’m okay now… I… I’ve needed a confidante… Until now I haven’t had anyone to talk to, so I guess all this shit just… I’m sorry… Maybe I’ll talk to C---” 

‘No… I… I’m glad you’re able to share your worries with me… You have… more important responsibilities, and certainly more important objectives… Do you really think…? Think we should give up…? Do you think they’ll hurt us again…?’

Simon’s eyes looked like those of a scared puppy, fully aware his owners had taken him to be put down. But he didn’t run. He stayed, waiting for the slaughter. It hurt Markus to look at.

“No, Simon… I promise I won’t let them… They probably won’t even try… The idea is irrational; we’ve had dozens of press conferences before, none of which have ever gotten violent. There’s just a lingering sense of fear in New Jericho, and it’s hard not to lose myself in… But no… We’ll be safe… I’m sure of it… Yes, I’m sure…” Markus vowed, becoming stronger as he spoke.

Markus took off his eyepatch and ripped the band, setting it aside.

“I’m not hiding anymore. There’s nothing to hide from. I promise…”

‘I...I’m scared… And when you kissed me… you’ve never kissed me like that before… you didn’t have words, and it was just so… and the timing, and… I… I think I just need time to clear my head… Please don’t touch me right now… And don’t speak so softly… I-I would like you to stay here--if you don’t mind, I mean--, but… I… I don’t want to be held right now… It’s dangerous…’

Markus sat up, inching himself away from Simon apologetically.

“...I-I’m sorry if that was too much, Si… I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, and I won’t overstep my bounds like that again… That was probably too much too soon, if at all… I… don’t know how the whole relationship thing works, but I thought you would like it, and--’

‘I did like it… Too much… So I don’t want that right now… If I survive tomorrow, maybe then… but until then, please… please just stay with me, but don’t do anything like that… I… I don’t want your love if it’s just an act of pity for a living corpse…’

“What…? I don’t understand… You did like it…? But then why--?”

‘A Little Fall of Rain… Getting over my initial reflexive reaction, it’s dumb for two reasons. For one, dying is never so neat and pretty, so carefree and painless… Second, what good are arms to hold you if they’re only holding you in an attempt to keep away the fear of impending nothingness from your pitiful dying form…?’

“What good are arms to hold you…? Well, I don’t know about all arms, but I know that my arms can do this…”

Markus retracted the skin from his arm and held it out to Simon, keeping a safe distance from him so not to make him feel uncomfortable. Simon looked to Markus, as if to ask if he should… to make sure he wouldn’t find something--a confirmation… Markus calmly nodded back, so Simon reluctantly retracted the skin from his hand and placed it on Markus’ arm, drinking in whatever it was Markus had wanted him to see. 

Simon could feel Markus’ fear. The overwhelming guilt tightening his chest as Simon’s body laid just inches away, fragile and broken. The conversation with North and the chill through his wiring as she put a slash across her left eye… He had so much to lose. And he alone would be responsible. He didn’t want to hurt anyone. And he had already failed so many times.

Now he’d finally confessed his love to Simon-- good, brave, loyal Simon--, and Simon loved him back… So now if he failed again… Simon’s ability to live and trust in the goodness of others might have been put at risk… And that wasn’t something that could be replaced, or even repaired… He couldn’t afford to take that risk, and moreover, he didn’t have the right to.

What could he do to save the heart he held dearest? What should he do?

He couldn’t bear to think about Simon having to… About the memories he’d received that had led them here… He could feel his heart--they were compatible, weren’t they?-- wanting to jump and fill the void in past-Simon’s chest.

There was guilt, but also… care… Selfless caring, not out of an intrinsic sense of obligation, but simply just because… Because of what it felt like to see Simon smile… He didn’t want anything to take away that smile. The flow of memories stopped suddenly, and Markus waited for Simon to come to. Blinking the blue back into his eyes, Simon was lost for words.

“Those were all my thoughts on you since Josh had left the room…”

‘...I’m sorry…’

“Sorry…?”

Markus didn’t understand.

‘Sorry for doubting your sincerity… I think we’re all just… scared… I don’t want to cancel, though… I don’t think that will be good for anyone… I’ll do whatever you think is best, but that’s just… I mean, I just think that… Not that I have the right to--‘

Markus held a hand out to Simon, seeking permission to come closer, and Simon turned his head into the hand, before coming closer to Markus, leaning back against Markus’ shoulder.

“Simon, you always have the right to express your opinion. And your opinion is as valuable as anyone else’s. Maybe even more so simply because of all you’ve seen. With regard to Jericho, I mean. Not… But don’t ever apologize for making suggestions… I think you’re right… Maybe that will calm everything over here. And it’ll prevent the need for having to create an elaborate PR campaign to ensure that the public doesn’t go wild with theories for why we’d cancel. No need for our fears to spread into the outside world."


	85. Dress Rehearsal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Markus helps Simon prepare for the conference.

"Would you like to show me what you’ve got planned for your speech…?”

‘...sure… It’s not much…’

‘H-hello… I think to impress upon you all the importance of this project, it is needed to take a closer look at our society as a whole. It is generally accepted that people who need intensive medical care should receive the care they need… It should go without saying, but to just ensure we’re all on the same page, I’ll establish nonetheless that my use of the word “people” refers not only to humans, but also to any other sentient beings… And the idea that a person should be able to have access to healthcare, in terms of having a healthcare facility nearby to which anyone can go for whatever needs they have, is great, but it’s not the entire issue. Having theoretical access to something is just the first step. Actual access is more about the means of being able to take advantage of the access to which one is entitled. And, in this case, that goes beyond the--’

“Stop, Si. That’s perfect. I don’t need to hear any more. You clearly know what you’re doing on that front. Have you thought at all about the interview portion of the conference tomorrow…? Like before…. everything that’s just happened…? Did you put any thought into what you’ll say and how…?”

Simon frowned. He knew that when Markus asked ‘how’ he’d reply it wasn’t in terms of the mechanics of speech, or even the ideas he’d meant to convey or how to convey them…

‘...no… I-I haven’t brought myself to…. Not yet… I thought I’d still have time... I told myself that there was still-- that I could prepare and that I would be ready but, I’m… I don’t think… I’m not sure anymore…. How did you do it all these times…? I mean, aside from the whole being brave thing. Because you can’t teach me how to be brave like you, but surely you must know something you can teach me…?’

"You're already plenty brave, love. But really the only way I've ever prepared was through practice. Once I had an idea of what I wanted to say, I'd have Josh go through rapid fire questions with me. If I just closed my eyes, I could imagine I was at a podium, really being interviewed. I think it did help a bit…." Markus offered.

'R-right… of course… that makes sense… so… I'll just stand up… and be ready to answer questions… D-don't go too fast just yet…? I've never done this before… I don't think I--'

"We'll start off easy and work our way from there. No need to worry." Markus agreed.

'okay… I'll message my responses, though, because I still don't think I’m able to speak aloud too much…'

"Good idea. Need a hand up?" Markus offered, his mismatched eyes shining back a smile Simon hadn't realized how much he'd missed.

'...thanks, but I think I should be okay…'

Simon cautiously rose from the bed, slightly favoring his left leg as he fidgeted anxiously, waiting until the last second before closing his eyes. 

“So, Simon… You’ve kept out of the public eye for a while now. Have you been working on this in private since your return?”

Each new word threw him for a loop. Kept out of the public eye….? Had he been working on this project in private…? Why would he have been working on this project in private…? Privacy was meant to be maintained, so he wouldn’t tell them if he had been. ‘Them’… Who was the ‘them’ in question…? He’d been trying to imagine a podium, but the ground split open from underneath him, pulling him into the endless world he from which could never truly esca--

“M-markus d--”

“Shit! Shit! Simon, open your eyes! Look, that was my fault… I should have known that was a dumb idea. Look at me Simon… Where are you…?”

Simon blinked in the sight of a concerned Markus looking down at him. He… he had fallen… Fallen because he had thought…

‘I-I’m sorry… I… I think… I mean, I couldn’t-- and--and you were asking me--but it was dark--I couldn’t see and-- I-I failed again… I failed and we’re running out of time!’

“No. No you did fine… That was to be expected. Why don’t we try this here? Instead of imagining you’re at the podium now, imagine you’re here tomorrow… Sound good?”

‘...okay… okay… I-I think I can do that…’

Simon weakly forced himself back onto his feet.

“I know you can. So let’s try that first question again. What have you been up to the past two months?”

‘What have I…? I’ve been… I-I came back… I only came back a month ago… And I’ve been doing internal work with regard to overseeing New Jericho since then...’

Markus nodded approvingly.

“Very good! Okay, let’s try another one. When did you get the idea to take on such a big project…?”

‘...umm… a little under a week ago, actually… Well, Markus got the idea and ran it by me. I gave him some advice about how to execute it, and… well, that’s what we’ve been doing…’

“Why should humans care for a facility like this run exclusively for androids, by androids...?”

‘Should and do are two very different questions. You should care because, as I previously explained, an enlightened society should provide for the basic needs of its entire population, corporeal integrity certainly being at the list of basic needs. You could ask me the same question about a human-run human hospital. I would care because they save human lives, and any and all life is invaluable. You can’t quantify the value of a life based on anything, including the composition of the body within which that life resides… Why you do care… well, that’s more of a personal question to ask yourself… Maybe guilt, maybe compassion, maybe apathy, maybe hope…? Any range of emotions could be driving you to feel the way you do on the subject. Emotions are complicated and subjective, and quite frankly weird. I wouldn’t want to live without them again, but they certainly do complicate things…’ 

Markus’ led cycled yellow for a split second before shifting to a steady yellow-red as he decided what to ask next.

“You said you came back a month ago… But--”

Markus choked on the words. So hateful. They hurt to say… But he needed to. He needed to continue for Simon’s sake, no matter how much it hurt them both…

“...But the broadcast at Stratford was--”

Simon could feel reality begin to crumble around him.

‘Broadcast’... They--they had referred to the Stratford incident as a broadcast… This interview…? Broadcast… Is that what… what they…?

“...two months ago…” Markus went on, trying to ignore the deathly pale, wide-eyed look Simon was now giving the wall behind him. Simon needed this. If he didn’t prepare for this now, he’d fall apart if someone asked it at the conference. “...Where had you been over the month before you returned to New Jericho…?”

Calm. Calm. Simon needed to calm down. But damn it, it was so hard! Markus knew the answer--knew why he couldn’t say! M-markus knew! So that meant--

No no… He needed to focus. He needed to stay under 93%. If he couldn’t, then--

No… Simon put a shaky hand to his mouth, attempting to appear deep in thought, when in reality, he just needed to keep the sound from being released into the air, as the cry rose in his throat again. He could talk… He had nearly forgotten… He would talk, and if they were dissatisfied and tried to interface--no, wait… They were humans. They couldn’t do that…

He didn’t know specifically what they could do, but he knew it was much worse… He couldn’t run; not yet-- He could barely stand… Yes, his leg was burning... How had he forgotten that as well? That was bad. He knew that was bad. So he couldn’t run, but he couldn’t ignore the question, and he needed to do something soon or else he was going to fall, and then everyone would--

‘IWouldPrefereNotToAnswerThatQuestionPlease’

Markus nodded, pleased that Simon could respond at all, even if his response was incoherent. He'd been worried that he'd need to intervene and end the practice, leaving them with no back up plan to prepare for tomorrow. Still… A human wouldn’t have been able to parse through his speech when it was so soft and spoken so quickly.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t catch that. Could you speak more clearly…?”

‘Y-yes...I… I said I would… I would prefer not to answer that question, please…?’

Simon’s whole body tensed as he replied, preparing for the worst, until Markus spoke up.

“Oh. Sorry… I didn’t mean to offend you…No need to look so frightened... Is this your first time speaking in public?”

‘...y-yes… I-I don’t… I’m not used to… to being around so many people…’

Markus grinned, resisting the urge to run up and hug Simon for fear of startling him in his disoriented state. 

“That was incredible, Si!” Markus exclaimed, beaming with pride as he waited for Simon to acknowledge him.

‘...T-that was…? Practice… Right! Markus… I…’

Simon ran a hand through his hair, trying to regulate his ventilation. He could feel his thirium pump pounding violently against his damaged frame, each pulse physically rattling him, as he grew increasingly lightheaded, now able to begin to process all they’d just worked through…

‘...help me…? ...feeling dizzy…’

“I’ve got you, Si…. You were amazing… Rest up some more now. You’re still healing, after all, and that was a lot…”

Markus approached Simon, before carefully lifting him from the ground, carrying him to the bed. Simon didn’t object. He snaked an arm behind Markus’ neck, and let himself go. He knew that wasn’t nearly enough preparation. He knew that it would be infinitely harder at the actual event, and he knew that something as simple as preparation for a little speech shouldn’t render him so exhausted, but Markus seemed to think he’d made progress.

And he couldn’t do any more. Not right now… He nearly fell. He had been on the verge of having to decide whether or not it would have been worth it to further injure himself by fighting his stress response if it meant he could get away, or at the very least buy him more time to think of a way out.

“We’ve still got a few more hours left in the day… What do you want to do now..?” Markus asked, placing Simon back onto his bed.

‘What I want…? Markus, I need to prepare!’

“I can’t think of any way in which you’re not prepared aside from actually answering questions from people in public; You’ve planned your speech, gotten experience with human interaction, prepared answers to the most intense questions anyone could think to ask you, and worked on fighting your stress response and regulating your stress levels excessively the past few days… What more could you do, aside from all that at once…?”

‘I… don’t know… I just… I want to be ready… I don’t want to have forgotten something… Because that could lead to-- I mean, then I might be-- I… I don’t know… I don’t like waiting… It feels so helpless… The clock’s ticking so slowly. And I know something bad is going to happen, but I can’t do anything about it...? I... I don’t want to wait, so I need to find new ways to prepare!’ 


	86. Diffusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New Jericho could use a touch of calm.

“...Simon… I don’t know how to explain to you that everything will be fine... How about we do something more important, then, if you insist on being productive… Let’s check in on the center…”

‘I-I would like that… I can see for myself what supplies we have so far and what else we might need. I’ve already downloaded the most extensive technical database to date so that hopefully I might be of some use. I’d like to help out there if need be, when things aren’t so busy here…’

“That’s awesome, Si! Seeing how great you were with Ralph, I think that’d be a perfect fit if it’s not too much for you… Here… if we’re going out, we should probably get changed. I think I’ve got a hoodie somewhere that can obscure most of my face. I certainly… stand out… to both humans and androids, alike… I think you can wear what you want. You can pass for what you are, at least on the surface level: an injured PL600 coming to check out the center. It’s not a lie, so it’s entirely believable, and no one has to know specifically who you are beyond that… What would you like to wear…? I can get it for you if you’d like…”

‘N-no, I’ll come with… I just… might need a bit of help on my feet… Slow down so I can keep up…?’

“Sure. I’ll be right here, Si…”

Simon tried unsuccessfully to rise from the bed, cursing himself at his weakness. “Are you okay? What’s wrong” ‘I’m… having trouble getting up… It’s really hard… Don’t know why…’ 

“Of course. You've probably been overexerting yourself. Forget what I said about going out. You really do need to rest. Just because you’re getting enough thirium to feel your legs again, doesn’t mean you have enough energy to waste any on hitting the town. Stay there… If you won’t enter sleep mode, at least lie down for a while… I don’t need to tell you that, just a few hours ago, you were in pretty bad shape…”

‘I don’t want to lie down… And you… You’re too important to be hanging around here! You need to do something… I don’t know what, but there’s always something new that requires your attention...’

“Well right now it’s not a something, so much as a someone, and the someone in question is you. So like it or not, we’re both going to hang out here for a bit…”

‘...But Markus--’

“Nope. Not listening… We’re watching puppy videos now. Non-negotiable. I’ve actually started compiling a list of videos I think you might find particularly cute. This one is one of those puppy birthday parties Connor told us about…”

Markus flopped back onto the bed, a contented grin on his face as he glanced over to Simon, who, despite his protests, appeared to be quite pleased with this arrangement. The room came to life with the calls of boisterous puppies and a lighthearted laughter. Markus knew that puppies made everything better.

He wondered if North might come around to the idea of getting one for the tower… Thinking more on the matter, he realized she might actually be pretty good with a larger dog. Maybe a rescue from a local shelter…

Enraptured by the tiny husky on screen trying to eke out a little howl, Simon didn’t notice the sound of footsteps approaching.

“...knock knock…?”

Simon paused the video, having noticed the call. Markus turned to Simon, led cycling yellow-red with concern as he tried to predict how Simon would react. _Why was she here?!!_ He had told her it was too--

“...you can come in…” Simon rasped, his voice now strong enough to give off the gentler tone that was distinctly his own.

North peeked her head out from the doorway, reading the room, before determining that she truly could come in. She looked stiff as she tried to maintain her typical stance, and Simon could see her eyes were puffy and blue… Not that he saw them directly. She appeared to be consciously avoiding his gaze.

“Got room for one more…?”

Markus looked to Simon.

‘...unless the bed’s shrunk since I woke up here…’ he messaged the two, pleased to see the warm smiles he received in response.

“...Ummm… What are you watching?” North tried to strike up a conversation.

“Texas Chainsaw Massacre…” Markus replied casually, meeting her eyes with a straight face.

“...oh…”

For once, North didn’t know how to respond to the sarcasm. At the next cry of the small dog, Simon pretended to flinch into Markus as if reacting to a slasher-film jumpscare, eliciting a smirk from Markus, who held him closer, happy to play along. North still couldn’t think of what to say.

“...are we…?”

She didn’t know how to ask.

‘Are we what…?’

“...I… spoke to Markus… While you were sleeping… He’s… You know how he is, but you too…? How…?”

‘You know how I am…’ Simon replied plainly.

“North…”

Markus was growing uneasy. This was the last thing any of them needed right now. How did she think that there was any way this could possibly go well?!?

“...I am sorry…”

‘...I know…’

“I… I just wanted-- I needed to make sure-- I-I just know that if--”

‘I know, North… I don’t blame you…’

“Why the fuck not?!?” North’s voice rose slightly.

‘...you're scared… you do this…. When you’re scared, I mean… It scares me… It hurts… but I don’t blame you....’

“Yes, but do I scare you? You’ve been afraid of me since Markus got ahold of your memories, haven’t you…? You never were before…”

Simon shifted anxiously as he tried to think of a response. But before he could think of a lie, he saw the shock on North’s face, and realized too late that he’d already answered her, unintentionally having messaged a simple, yet damining yes…

‘Wait--No! I--I mean, I didn’t mean-- I just---’

“It’s fine, Simon… Dumb, but fine… I’d never do anything really worth being afraid of… Certainly nothing like the worst of what others could do to you... “

‘...you’re wrong…’

North shook her head.

“No, really. Look, while I am sorry about… about all this… it’s nothing compared to what they could--”

‘North… What would...?’

Simon tried to summon the courage to ask the question that had been burning in the back of his mind.

‘What would you do… if… if things do go badly tomorrow…? If I fall, and I can’t fight my stress response enough to get up, and the crowd turns on us, and everything goes wrong…?’

“I… I don’t know… I’ll be keeping watch at the tower, monitoring things from here and ensuring that no harm come to deviantkind simply because the spotlight is on us again, but… I don’t know… That’s why I did this… Because I won’t be there… I hate waiting around and doing nothing!”

‘...and if you were there…?’

“I don’t know… By that point nothing would matter. They’d see you’re weak, and there’d be nothing I could do to make the humans unsee it… So I guess I’d run back to New Jericho and try to stockpile as much equipment as I could, preparing for the inevitable war that would follow. Shoot any human that comes within a 100 meter radius of the tower on sight. I read something about how hundreds of years ago, militias would impale their enemies and display their corpses in front of their bases as a warning to all other potential adversaries… That could work…”

‘...that’s… messed up… But that wasn’t where I thought it would go… you… you wouldn’t do this to me again… Because it would serve no purpose… But… they’d tear me apart if I can’t get away…’

Markus’ eye glitched out at the subtext. North would let them tear him apart if he couldn’t get away. Markus hugged Simon tighter.

“No… No, Simon…”

“Yeah. They probably would… Which is why I wanted you to get over everything… Because I don’t want this to change. I like the way things are now… Or at least the way they were before you two went on this week-long mental breakdown… I… made some bad decisions, but… I didn’t want this… And I don’t want that… So… I guess what I mean to say is… I understand why you’re afraid of me now, even if I don’t know why you still were before, but either way, you don’t need to be… Got it…?”

Simon saw what Markus meant. North was trying to be gentle, trying to be considerate, and she clearly wasn’t feeling well, but everything she said hurt, making it so difficult to play along.

‘...got it…’

Markus squeezed Simon’s arm, a silent acknowledgement that he knew the strength the short reply had required. It did seem to have a powerful effect on North, who already appeared stronger, her usual mischievous grin beginning to form across her face again.

“Alright… So you two were watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre, yeah? Ever see Nightmare on Elm Street?”

Simon closed his eyes, not wanting to see, and Markus shook his head in frustration.

“North, don’t--!”

But the video came on before Markus could finish his sentence the television had swapped to a tiny corgi puppy napping sideways on a couch, his tiny legs mimicking a running motion in his sleep. Markus laughed, both relieved and fairly amused at the deception. Hearing Markus’ laughter, Simon opened his eyes to see the last minute of the derpy puppy.

‘Awwww baby! His feetsies are so tiny!!!’ 

“Did you just say ‘feetsies’?!?” North scowled.

‘Well, yeah… He’s got more than one footsie, and each one is adorable, so…’

“I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt, and blame that on your PL600 programming, because that is the lamest--”

“--you mean ‘most adorkable’...” Markus corrected, absolutely smitten by the way Simon looked as he squeed over the dog.

“RA9, you two are perfect for each other! You’re both so lame it’s disgusting!”

“If we’re making you uncomfortable, you could always go back to your own room…” Markus teased.

“Nah. I’m taking over this video session. So what, are you two just watching dog videos or are your also good with other animals… Like have you ever seen lion cubs play-fighting? It’s fantastic!”

‘Go for it…’ Simon approved.

Nearly as soon as North started her video, Markus could see the appeal.

“Their roars sound like they’re trying so hard to be intimidating! You’ll get there some day, little ones! I’m with you, North... This is precious!”

The sound of another set of footsteps approaching went ignored, until they were accompanied by a confused call. “Are you okay…? What’s going on in there…?” Josh’s voice dropped to a bashful whisper.

“...are you both decent…?”

“Shut up, and get your ass in here, Josh!”

“N-North!?! What are you doing with--?!? Why--!?!”

“We’re watching videos of baby animals. Come join us…” Markus explained.

“Oh…”

Satisfied with Markus’ reply, Josh entered the room to catch the very end of the lion cubs wrestling. Somehow, North must have snuck in here and reconciled with the two without his knowledge… How they managed to forgive her so quickly was beyond Josh, but he wasn’t going to object to joining his friends in watching something so cute.

“Have you seen baby red pandas? North, have you shown them those…?”

“Nah. Never heard of ‘em, but you can play that next… First, you have to see this angry frog. It squeaks when it’s angry, like a fucking dog toy!”

“We’d all be better off if you’d learn from it, then…”

“Shut up!”

North shoved Josh off the bed, starting the video as he began to climb back on, not even entirely annoyed. He should have expected that much from her.

Five videos in, Markus checked the clock. How had no one noticed it was already nearly 7?

‘Hey Si, do you know how late it is…?’

‘Yeah… It’s 6:54… Why…?’

‘They’re just sitting here, hanging out… Even with tomorrow approaching, they’re just--’

‘Let them… I think everyone needs to just blow off steam… And look… They seem… happy… You know, Markus... I almost forgot what it was like for us to all just relax together…’

‘...you’re right… spoken like a true leader…’

Markus gently rested his head on Simon’s shoulder. North was the first to fall asleep, and Simon couldn’t help but smile.

“North, what the hell are you--?”

Josh turned around to find her snoring, deep in sleep mode, and turned to Simon confused.

“She’s snoring…?!?! Does she do that?”

‘Dunno. Never seen her sleep before… I… don’t know what Markus said to her, but whatever it was, I do think it did her a lot of good… Let her be…’

Josh nodded, leaning back carefully so as not to wake her, and within a few minutes began to yawn, rubbing his eyes like a sleepy human child.

‘How long until Josh’s down too?’

Markus grinned.

‘I give it five…’

‘Guess we’ll wait and see…’

Markus chose the next video, a Golden Retriever snuggling a human infant, as another human toddler clambered onto its back.

“Lost Footage Recovered: Pre-Deviancy Simon in his Unnatural Habitat.”

‘You only wish I was half as cute as that dog!’

“That dog only wishes he was half as cute as you!” Markus shot back.

And when Josh didn’t laugh at the joke, or scold them for flirting aloud, the reason for his silence was all too clear.

“Two down, two to go…” Markus announced.

‘You want to go into sleep mode...?’

“I never said anything about that… But watching puppy videos like this until we both enter sleep mode… That’s an idea I’d be eager to get behind…”

‘I… don’t want to…. To sleep… But if I have to… I’d like to fill up on memories like this… Something to fall back on once I’m alone with the voices again…’

“Simon…”

Markus shook his head. Simon was trying to be brave, but it was clear now that he was still terrified.

‘I can’t help being scared, Markus... But I can help how I choose to spend my time. So… yeah… I choose to do this…’

Markus nodded. He needed to try to accept that he couldn’t change how Simon felt. He could only keep Simon company and let that him know that, however he felt, he didn’t have to feel it alone. So instead of objecting, he just snuggled in closer to Simon and sighed.

“In that regard, I can’t say I dislike your choice…”

‘Y’know… It’s weird… to not just fall into everything… Like, on the surface, this is everything I’ve ever dreamed of…’

“In time, Si… It’ll come in time… Just enjoy in whatever capacity you can for now…”

“...thank you…” Simon whispered, his voice almost entirely back to normal.

“Thank you…” Markus replied, putting on a video of an Australian Shepherd puppy falling asleep while cuddling a plushie.

The puppy was so gentle with his toy, seeming to go so far as to even make space for it on his little dog bed. This time, when Simon received a notification to enter sleep mode, he accepted, clinging to the warmth of Markus at his side and the image of the kind puppy in his mind. Markus smiled, turning off the video, and giving Simon one last goodnight kiss, before following his friends into the world of dreams. 


	87. Perception

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon doesn't understand his senses, but he knows enough to know they can't be trusted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentine's Day, y'all! Y'know, fittingly enough, it was around Valentine's Day last year that I started this fic. Now I'm just a few updates away from posting the last few chapters, and already halfway through writing the sequel. 
> 
> So in today's update, I just wanted to spread the love in the only way I know how: aNgSt!!! 
> 
> XOXO

> _ With much encouragement from Markus, Simon willed himself to walk to the podium, facing the crowd of dozens, maybe even hundreds of people. Like the whole city had filed in just to be able to watch the carnage as everyone came and-- _
> 
> _No… _
> 
> _No… He tried to remember what Markus said. He was just here to speak. Here to speak and answer questions and visit the center and go home. Go home. That last part was most important. He kept that in mind as the interview had begun. A question here and there, and he answered as best he could. No one had asked anything too much, so he answered honestly, growing slightly more at ease, until he noticed something weird about the people who approached the podium with questions. _
> 
> _The first time, he figured it was just his mind playing tricks on him when, instead of returning to her seat, the lady who had asked him the previous question stood in place, a seemingly identical lady rising and gliding to the first lady’s spot, clipping through her until their two forms merged into one. He had probably just imagined it, but the second woman’s voice was slightly deeper, her tone less consistent. _
> 
> _The next person, a man, distinct from the two women, seemed to teleport into the place of the women, who at the blink of an eye, somehow returned to their seats. His voice was noticeably deeper than theirs, but grew even moreso with each word he spoke, dipping up and down almost at random. _
> 
> _Simon knew it must have been his optical processors when he was asked a follow-up question. _
> 
> _The man seemed to pixilate, portions of his body glitching in and out, swapping with the corresponding parts of people he knew; Connor, Markus, faces he was familiar with, but couldn’t quite place… And with each glitch, the voice grew deeper, more… Distorted. _
> 
> _Simon tried to back away from the pixelated man, falling backwards as his stress response kicked in, mid-step. He tried to ask the man to stop talking, but he wasn’t even sure if he had actually said anything, before Markus was at his side. _
> 
> _ “Simon, are you alright? What’s wrong…?” _
> 
> _Simon blinked. It was definitely Markus at his side, but he was blurry, his voice indistinct from that of the glitching man, still standing before the podium. Simon wanted to say something, but instead he just shrieked. _
> 
> _What was going on?!? _
> 
> _He couldn’t tell which of his senses were malfunctioning and which were accurately interpreting information from the outside world anymore, so he couldn’t even tell where he was, how he was, or who was even speaking to him. _
> 
> _“Simon, get up, you’re scaring everyone…” _
> 
> _Right. And he needed to get up! He needed to get up or he’d seem weak and if he seemed weak, he-- But Simon couldn’t tell if he’d gotten up or not. Because he couldn’t believe his senses. Could he even believe his thoughts? Was nothing real?!?! _
> 
> _“M-markus… I’m scared…” _
> 
> _“Shit! Simon, you’re still mic-ed!” _
> 
> _The word ‘mic’ reverberated, repeating on loop, each echo louder and more hollow than the one that came before. And then he could feel himself falling. Blurry Markus had turned his back and dissolved into the blurry crowd, growing sharper and sharper as it drew closer, until his senses were overwhelmed by the sight and the yells that accompanied it. _
> 
> _Helpless, he could feel hands clawing at his artificial skin, trying to pry open his frame, until he could see the shutdown timer in his vision, the one thing-- the final thing he knew to be real was that he really was defective. _
> 
> _So Markus really had left him to die... _
> 
> _ Except no. That must have been a glitch too… Because Markus was still blurry, but also still at his side. He was whispering comforting words in a terrifying voice. _
> 
> _‘Don’t talk…’ Simon requested. _
> 
> _Maybe he would receive messages better. He just didn’t want to hear the voice that kept ringing out regardless of whomever it came from. _
> 
> _‘Simon, is this better…? Can you tell me what’s going on…?’ _
> 
> _‘I-I don’t know! I-I-- I can’t see-- Well, I can see, but wrong, and-- and-- and everyone’s voices-- they’re all-- Markus, I don’t know what’s happening! Something’s wrong and I don’t know what’s real-- Like, I just died. You left, and were absorbed into the crowd, and they came closer, louder, until they-- they-- it hurt…’ _
> 
> _Simon didn’t need to be sure of his faculties to know he was crying. _
> 
> _‘Shhhh… No, love. It’s okay… I think you’re so overwhelmed that your predictive software is distorting your perception of reality with an infinite number of possible ways you perceive this could go wrong. But you’re okay. Look, I’ll wrap this up and take you home, and--’ A whimper interrupted Markus. ‘Relax, Si… What is it…?’ _
> 
> _‘I-I see them… coming closer again-- so loud-- I-I’m--- I don’t want-- Please-- please don’t let-- I-i-is it real this time…?’ _
> 
> _Markus nodded. _
> 
> _‘They are coming closer, but it’s okay. I think they’re just concerned. You’ve just had a nasty fall, and they can’t hear our conversation, so it looks to them like you’re unresponsive.’ _
> 
> _‘p-please make them be quiet! their voices hurt… too much!’ _
> 
> _‘Of course. But I’m going to need to speak aloud to them for a second to do that, so just hold on for me…’ _
> 
> _Simon clung as best he could to Markus’ blurry form, tensing as it spoke in its wrong voice. _
> 
> _ “Everything is fine... Sorry to worry you… I think Simon’s just experiencing a technical malfunction due to sensory overload. His model was meant to focus intensely on specific targets, and having such a large crowd appears to be overwhelming the vestiges of his old programming… Thank you all for coming, but I think, due to the current circumsta--” _
> 
> _Simon could hear Markus’ words cut off, replaced with a cacophony of distorted voices from the crowd, as he and Markus were airborne, suspended in a chaotic static. He could feel his grip slipping. He was going to fall into the static. He couldn’t fight his stress response well enough to hold on tight enough. _
> 
> _A blurry foot kicked him backwards hard, and suddenly he was back on the stage, but Markus, blurry or otherwise, was nowhere to be seen, the only figures in sight being the crowd of static, until at last something hit him. _
> 
> _‘M-Markus?!?! Is that you Markus?!?!’ _
> 
> _It looked like blurry Markus, only now it was blue. It made his hands feel wet when he reached out to touch it… Wait-- He could try to scan the figure-- _
> 
> _“RK-200: Registered under the name “Markus” XXXXXX XXXX XXX Date of Deactivatio---” _
> 
> _Simon could feel his heart drop. It was Markus. Was. Past tense. Because now Markus was dead. Had died staying back with him, tossing Simon to safety in his last moments, even though Simon was too broken to even recognize the form that saved him. The form that killed him. Because without Markus, was he even alive? If he was, he didn’t deserve to be… Didn’t deserve-- _


	88. Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon and Markus need to get through the morning before they can face the day.

“Simon, wake up…”

“G-get away from me!!!” Simon yelled as loud as his recovering voicebox would allow. “H-how dare you use him like that! Speak in your awful voices, but not in his! You killed him! So just kill me, but don’t pretend to be him!”

Markus cursed himself for not remembering to try messaging Simon first.

'Si, it is me… I don’t know what you’re talking about. Please wake up? You’re just having a nightmare…'

“F-f-fuck you! My--my preconstructive software isn’t so messed up that I can’t tell you’re lying! I-I know what happened! I-I saw it! He was there! He was there and he saved me and you fucking killed him! I felt his thirium! It was everywhere! You--you made me-- I loved him! Do you even know how horrible that is!?!? So do what you want with my body! I just want the nothing back!”

A strong feminine hand struck him, sending a burst of pain through his jaw.

“North! What was that!?!”

“G-great! So you got Josh too?!? W-what did you do to him?!?! Did you kill him too, or just make him suffer like me?!?!”

A larger hand took his wrist, but he resisted the urge to open his eyes, reminding himself that he wouldn’t be able to discern the images he would have seen, regardless. So he just waited for it to tear his hand from his wrist, but instead he felt something invading his mind…

An image, clear as day…

An image of him, on a bed, North glaring at him on from one side, Markus looking on, horrified, from the other. His eyes were closed and he was covered in bandages, struggling until his eyes opened, not on his own accord. They were white until the image left his sight as the connection left his system.

As his own sight came back in, he realized what had just happened, and unsure of how to react, slinked under his covers, hoping to hide from the barrage of questions he knew were to come. He could feel North get off of the bed, pacing the floor angrily behind him.

“...you said you wanted the nothing back…” Markus tried to wrap his head around what he’d just heard. “...so that was supposed to be now… or at least after, right…? Because you couldn’t have known before, could you…?”

Simon didn’t respond, instead cocooning himself deeper within the sheets so as not to be seen.

“How is your head, Simon…? Have you sustained further damage…? North should have known better than to--”

“He’s fucking with us, Josh! He did that on purpose! Can’t you see--!”

“Simon wouldn’t do that, and you know it...” Markus shot back, his tone more sincere than biting. 

“On purpose…?” Simon wondered aloud…

Oh… Right… That’s why North had become so agitated.

“S-sorry… I-I didn’t mean to… I just… I saw… Sorry… Forget I said anything…” He mumbled from under the covers. 

North stopped, softening slightly for a moment.

“You’re right, Markus… I just… Josh, let’s go… Simon needs to be alone right now… Markus, Simon, if you feel you might want a knife or something--like if you think it might help--, you know how to reach me…”

“What the fu--”

“Shut up! Move it! You can sleep in your own room!” North dragged Josh out of Simon’s room, but not before catching Markus flash her a sad smile.

She tossed her head, causing her braid to leap defiantly over her shoulder, and then the two were out the door.

“...you want to come out now, Si…?” Markus’ voice was soft as he stroked the mass of blanket and android beside him.

“...I’m not going back to sleep…” It wasn’t a statement, so much as a request.

“You don’t have to. No one is going to make you do anything you don’t want to do… So do you want to come out now, or should I let you stay buried in your sheets?”

Simon suddenly realized how foolish he must have seemed, hiding under blankets like a human child. Reluctantly, he wriggled out from under the sheets, turning away from Markus, still somewhat afraid to face him.

“Do you want to talk about it…?”

Simon retracted the skin from his arm nearest Markus, a silent invitation to take in the memory. Markus took in the memory, but silently kept his hand on Simon, long after Simon had stopped transmitting it.

“...Markus…? I-I don’t like this… Please say something--I don’t want to worry about the silence…”

“That hurts… It only gets worse as I digest it… Simon…?”

“...I’m sorry…”

“Don’t be! That was just… a lot… and I’m just… thinking… I-I’m glad you did that… Shared it with me, I mean… Does that… does it make you feel less alone…?”

Simon shook his head, shrinking back into his sheets.

“...it just hit me… I-I cannot believe… Markus, I am so sorry… I am so sorry… I--”

“...what…? What can’t you believe…?”

Markus seemed confused.

“I just transmitted the memory of my dream that made you feel your own bloodied corpse! RA9! I-I can’t describe how--”

“Yes, and…?”

“And?!?! And that must have upset you! I-I shouldn’t have been so open with something like that! Not something that could hurt you…”

Markus shook his head.

“Oh. No… It’s funny, I was actually thinking about that with North. I kinda don’t care. Like, about my own mortality, I mean… Kinda like how you were when you woke up… what you were yelling… I’m like that all the time…”

Simon shot up and gave Markus a quizzical look.

“...W-what…?” 

“In your dream, I had died… That didn’t really concern me… Actually, if anything, that was the least concerning thing about any of it…”

“Your lack of concern is beginning to concern me…”

“Well, that was only a small part of the whole thing… And it ended differently twice… The first ending concerned me the most… It hurt… You obviously can imagine why… and the second… it was your words… the way you talked to me, so unsure, so full of fear. I felt it as you spoke, and it hurt to feel that and know that it’s really your feelings and not my own.”

“I-I know… I’m broken… I-I still dream of you… of you doing… y’know… and I still feel, still worry about… And today… RA9, Markus, it’s today!!!! I-it’s 6:27 am, already! We--we’ll be in the car within an hour and… and then we’ll be there, and-- I-I don’t--I’m can’t-- I’m not ready! I’ve seen too much, but I know too little! So much could happen, and-- I-I think I’m going to be sick…”

Markus held Simon’s arms in a firm, reassuring grip.

“You will do fine, Si. I promise. The question isn’t even what you’ll do there--we’ve already established that you’re more than prepared. The question is what will you do until then, so you don’t keep working yourself up like this…”

“I-I… I don’t know… I don’t know anything… I-I don’t--”

“Well, I do… Here, get up. Let’s paint. I’ll get us a bigger canvas than last time, and we’ll paint until it’s time to get dressed and go…”

“I… think I liked painting… I’m not sure… I don’t know what it was like to paint, but after, everything was… blurry… But not in the literal sense, like in my dream… Everything was just so distant… It scared me…”

“That’s the beauty of it. Creating art is turning off your mind--letting yourself run on autopilot, while you cease to exist, at least, in any conscious form. And once you're done, your thoughts laid out on the canvas, you feel lighter, your concerns more distant, almost to the point where you’re not the person you were when you’d begun. I think you could use that kind of clarity right now… What do you think…?”

“...maybe…. Maybe you’re right…”

Simon forced himself from the bed, taking Markus’ hand as Markus led him, limping, to the art closet. Having set up a decent workspace, Markus handed Simon a brush and an empty palette, keeping another for himself, and nodded.

“I’ve set a timer for myself, so we don’t lose track of time. In the meantime, create freely. You know how to do it…”

And then Markus turned his eyes to his canvas, leaving Simon to work on his own. Two hands with two brushes on two canvases, moving in their own intricate little dances. To an outsider the experience would have looked almost religious in nature, certainly something worthy of its own portrait, but neither deviant could appreciate the spirituality of the moment. They were both wrapped up in their art. 

Markus was at a weird place in his art-- that of a more experienced painter. He could recognize how he felt and to a certain extent how to put it onto the canvas, but the steady flow of his brush was like a steady release of all the weight in his heart, his mind growing clearer with each stroke.

He was feeling less abstract today. Like he knew what he wanted to paint, at least in theory. Blues and greens and reds. The occasional black and white. Those always did seem to be the paints he most often needed to buy more of, but they called out to him even more strongly than usual at the current moment. Every so often, he took a moment to stop, and look at his painting, to determine how to continue.

More haptic lines here, that corner should be darker, the red should glow a bit, there should be more splatter there… As the painting grew more complete, he felt more like himself.

Simon didn’t feel anything, though… His hand just floated, as if his entire mind, his entire heart had crept through his wrist, trickling into his fingers as he directed the brush left and right. Markus seemed to be right. The look of intensity had entirely faded from Simon’s face, yet he hummed with a paradoxical concentration.

Markus had finished before the time limit he had set for the two, stepping back to look at what he’d created. A green background fading to darkness as the center drew nearer, within the blackness, a figure in blue, on its knees, reaching an open hand to the sky, a large red ring floating just above the open palm, glowing enough to light a good portion of the canvas.

Did the figure intend to release the ring into the world, or take it back, keeping it for itself? It was ambiguous. Just the way Markus had intended for it to be. He wanted to make the regret less apparent, because the ambiguity was the story. The ambiguity better expressed the regret than regret itself would, because what was regret really, if not two opposite emotions and desires? He nodded at his work, a thought communicated silently to the world without needing to burden anyone with its weight.

Then, curiosity got the better of Markus, and he turned his eyes to Simon’s work in progress. It was a thirium pump, in the process of being bound tightly with bandages. The hands binding it were hard, and the layers of bandaging overlapped in a way that indicated a lack of care put into the process. It was pulling too tight, one chamber of the thirium pump having cracked, leaking thirium onto the bandages, which dripped down and into a mass of upraised android hands, greedily reaching for the liquid.

In the background, Markus could make out a faint body, skin retracted to reveal a broken frame with a large hole in its chest where its thirium pump had once been. It was shrouded in darkness, and all alone, as if the body had been cast aside, in favor of the thirium that could be squeezed from its heart. 


	89. Last Chance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon is faced with one last chance.

Markus’ timer went off, and he went back into his closet, leaving Simon to his work, until he could find a large tarp, which he used to cover Simon’s painting. Confused, Simon looked up.

“It’s time to get dressed, Si… You can finish painting later…”

“...r-right… I forgot…”

Simon followed Markus to Markus’ room, and watched as Markus took off their Detroit University tee, replacing it with his black zipper-down sweater and his favorite trenchcoat, before tossing an outfit Simon’s way. Simon unfurled the bundle of clothes and cocked his head.

“What’s wrong? Not your style anymore…?”

“No, it’s just-- shouldn’t we be dressing more formally…? This is a big deal, so I’m not sure my usual turtleneck-windbreaker combo is going to cut it…”

Markus playfully gave Simon a light shove.

“Well, Mr. Fashionista, we’re not there to walk the runway or anything… I usually just wear this old thing as a vestige of the revolution, so I figured you’d be inclined to wear something more familiar yourself. But you do you… What were you thinking of? A suit and tie? A tuxedo…? Hmmm… Maybe I should have said it was a formal occasion… I never have seen you in a suit… Oh! I know the perfect red vest, that along with a bowtie would look…”

Markus took a moment to appreciate the mental image he’d created, aware of, but unbothered by the blue blush creeping across Simon’s face.

“How do you do it…?” Simon marveled.

“Do what…?”

“How do you manage to be so suave and flirty at a time like this…?”

“Well, actually, I can’t help it. I got the thought of you in a hot red vest, and just like a part of me feels stressed about the conference, another part of me feels… happy with the thought my mind created. I can’t exactly control how I feel, so sometimes what I feel can be contradictory. You’re blushing, so clearly you must be the same in that regard…”

“I guess you’re right… If this outfit works, I think I’ll get dressed now…”

Simon held the shirt out, about to slip his head through it, when Markus caught his arm.

“Wait, Si… Aren’t you going to take off the bandages…?”

“A-am I going to…?”

Right… He couldn’t go out in a scarf, but if he went out in bandages, they’d see how he’d been broken, but if he went out without them, they would see the scars, and maybe even the puzzle pieces, clear signs of his failu--

Markus caught Simon before he hit the ground.

“Hey, hey… It’s alright if you don’t. I just figured you might want to feel less constricted, but I probably shouldn’t have asked… I’m sorry…”

“I-I-I can’t-- there’s nothing I can do… No matter what they’ll see-- They’ll see and they’ll know and they’ll-- How could I forget something like this?!?! RA9, I don’t know what to do, Markus! T-that’s one thing I can’t forget! I-I know what they’ll do, how it feels, what everyone-- I-I’ve been trying to keep it together, but I… I didn’t think… I-I almost-- I was almost strong enough, but I’m not and now it’s too late and you can’t help even if you would which you wouldn’t even though you can’t and why does this keep happening I don’t I can’t Maybe I should run away but I can’t because I have nowhere to go and I can’t live alo-- M-Markus d--“

“Easy, Si. Calm down… You’re losing yourself… You’re okay; you’re going to be okay…”

“N-no… you-- you might want me to be, but, Markus… I-I’m not… I can’t… And I want to pretend because I’m scared, but I can’t…”

“I do want you to be more relaxed, but for no other reason than the fact that it feels better than being stressed like this… And I don’t need you to pretend anything… We’ve been through this, remember? I think it’s all just catching up to you again… But in a few hours, we’ll be back here, and you’ll see that everything is fine. No one will hurt us, no one will see us as broken. That part of our lives is over. Regardless, whatever happens, I’m here. I’ll be here.”

“I… I’m scared to believe you… Why am I still scared to believe you? After everything…?”

“Because even after everything, you forget, it’s only been like this for a week now. We’ll get there… We’ll get there, Si…”

Simon hesitated.

“How can I know? W-what if I don’t? N-no… No I know the what if… But how…? How can I be sure-- I need to be sure!”

“Unfortunately, I think that comes with time too… But… one thing within your control-- within your control and yours alone-- is what you do right now. Before the auto comes, think about it; would you still like to attend the conference, or would you prefer to stay back, and sit this one out…?” 

Simon didn’t know… Well, he did know, but not really. He knew he’d prefer to stay back. It wasn’t safe here; nowhere was safe… but this was safer… For now. Because if he stayed back, that might lead to… consequences later on… Later on… He could only know anything later on. Once it was too late, Because he couldn’t know anything in the moment other than what he already knew, which, in the moment, was exclusively pain and fear.

Fear… More like terror, or even panic… Yes, that was the word. He was panicking. And people couldn’t make proper decisions when they were panicking. He didn’t even remember why he was panicking except the thought of what the crowd would do to him once Markus left him there for dead. But that was why he was panicking. The idea had caused him to panic, and it was an idea borne of his panic. A positive feedback loop of misery, from which he couldn’t free himself. He couldn’t free himself.

“I need help… Y-you know me… help me calm down…Panicking; I‘m-- I mean I’ve been panicking… Need help to stop… I-I know I am, but I can’t stop it and I need help but I don’t know I--”

His thoughts beginning to race again, Simon couldn’t think of what he needed, or how to ask for it, even if he did know.

“The right pocket of your jacket…”

“W-what…?”

“Check the right pocket of the jacket I handed you…”

“H-how--?”

“Just trust me… wait… you’re still above 93%... Here, can I hand it to you…?”

“S-sure…”

Simon didn’t know what to expect, before something small and soft was placed into his hand. A comfort object of sorts? Did Markus think of him as a frightened child? Did he really seem that pathetic? Of course he did, but knowing that Markus thought so too still hurt, regardless of--

Suddenly Simon could feel thoughts, memories that weren’t his own, and realized that they must have been coming from Markus. Some sort of craft project… He wanted to make… an Australian Shepherd...? A needle, some dye, some wool and some beads, and Simon could see it now. Only, he could feel Markus’ knowledge that it was still somehow incomplete.

He could feel the cold hard surface of a microchip as Markus pressed his thumb to a small processor, and then everything was warm. So much love and warmth and kindness and hope. It crept into every inch of his being, leaving behind a brilliant light where he had felt a seemingly endless darkness only moments ago. The feelings remained, even as the light dimmed, just enough that he could feel Markus stuffing the chip into the tiny figurine, before looking it over and giving a single nod of satisfaction at his work. 

Then it was gone, and Simon was back, the feel of Markus’ hand around his, enclosing a small woolen plush into the palm of his hand, which had, by some miracle, stopped shaking. Simon pushed off of Markus slightly, once again able to stand on his own, and smiled gratefully.

“Thank you…”

“Check it out for yourself…” Markus replied, a hint of eagerness in his voice.

Simon opened his palm and held it in front of him to look at the hand-crafted dog. It’s tongue was out in a relaxed sort of smile, a set of glass marbles, one painted with a thin coat of blue, the other a thin coat of green, looking up, as if to welcome Simon with its eyes. It was adorable and soft to the touch, and so… wonderful…

“I figured we both could use something like this…“

“Both…?”

Simon only saw the one figurine. And in Markus’ memory, he’d also only seen the one. But Markus stuck a hand in his own jacket pocket and produced a similar golden retriever figurine.

“They both have the same set of memories…” Markus explained.

“...At the conference… we might not be close enough to interface if we need… But now we can have something to hold onto; the same something… So it’s kind of like holding onto each other, even if we can’t physically…”

Simon threw on his shirt and jacket, at a loss for words. The gesture was so thoughtful… And after everything he’d just said… Even after he had fully dressed himself, Simon couldn’t think of anything to say that was worthy to respond to such a moment. Unwrapping the bandages around his neck-- the only bandages which would have been visible to the public-- with steadier hands, Simon decided that saying anything was better than keeping the silence.

“I’m sorry…”

“Sorry for what…?”

“For freaking out like that… For freaking out like that a lot… I do it too often, even though you keep doing things like this and bringing me back. It’s not fair to you, but I’ll try to be better…”

“No need to apologize, Si. It makes sense, really it does. This sort of thing takes time. So I take it by your having gotten dressed that you still intend to go…?”

Simon ran his thumb over the head of the figurine in his hand.

“Y-yes… Yes, I-I think I should…”

“Very well, then… Come along, Josh just messaged me that the auto has arrived.”

Cautiously, Simon nodded, taking Markus’ hand and following him out of his room and into the hallway. Simon kept his eyes straight ahead, not daring to look in North’s direction as they passed her by upon approaching the front door to New Jericho.


	90. Racing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon's thoughts outpace the speed of the auto, leaving his body long behind.

“Perfect. You’re on time… And it looks like Simon didn’t sustain any lasting damage from yesterday, so I guess we’re all set…”

Simon self-consciously covered his jaw with his free hand, displeased to see that it had been something on Josh’s mind. Markus guided Simon’s hand from his jaw, before turning to Josh.

“Let’s get a move on, then…. After you…”

Markus got the door for Josh, taking the middle seat for himself, so as to act as a buffer for Simon to have his own space to prepare himself. But to Markus’ surprise, Simon just rested his head against his shoulder. Markus gladly accepted the contact. The ride was silent, yet tense.

He could feel so many words unspoken filling the car until there was no room for air. Josh’s urge to discuss what he’d woken up to earlier that morning, Simon’s poor attempts at suppressing his fear, and his own uncertainty about how this all would play out. It really was too much for Simon, or at the very least, certainly too much too soon. Markus… didn’t know what would happen, or how it would affect the android community, or even New Jericho as a whole…

Last night seemed like progress, but… everything was so precarious. Like any surprise could throw it all off balance, and he didn’t know where he’d land when it all came crashing down. He truly didn’t know what to do… For the first time, he realized how unpleasant it was to speak in front of people who held his word so highly.

He didn’t know anything more than anyone else!

He felt the eyes, but differently from Simon. Where Simon felt the eyes breaking him down, Markus felt them building him up. But as they built more and more onto the image of a revolutionary leader, the weight of his own reputation compounded, pressing down on his shoulders, an increasingly unbearable burden. But that didn’t matter right now. That couldn’t matter right now. So for now, he’d focus on the concrete. Hard facts no amount of eyes could touch.

They would speak, look at the center they’d established, and go home. Nothing else mattered right now. A simple list of clear objectives. Only three objectives and then they could worry about everything else later. Markus let out a heavy sigh, Simon curling deeper into him at the physical release of tension. At least they weren’t alone. Regardless of whatever Simon thought, they weren’t alone…

Pressing himself up against Markus, Simon wanted to melt into the warmth of his body, the soft beat of his thirium pump and the pleasant itch of his old trenchcoat, becoming his final resting place. Not in the sense of a death, but rather, a homecoming. A sign that this was the place he could never be torn from.

He knew it wasn’t true, but that was all the more reason why Simon tried so hard to drink in the temporary comfort, internalize the strength and security, as if to absorb it, so he could take it with him wherever fate decided to blow him next. Because he needed this. Only like this, could he feel alive…

Was that what a home was…? Circumstances under which a person felt alive…? Well then, Simon supposed he’d grown agoraphobic in every sense of the word, now… He’d spent most of yesterday in sleep mode, but somehow, he still found himself drowsy as the car crept through town. He wished he could sleep like this… Maybe then the nightmares would keep away just long enough for him not to wake up more tired than he’d been before he’d fallen asleep…

This was a nightmare, after all…

If he could just sleep it away… Except for it had been the same nightmare in different forms too many times. He knew sleep wouldn’t fix things… He knew all he could do was cling to the touch. Each bump in the road pushed him closer to Markus. So at least he didn’t mind the sudden motion. And he was weakly swinging his legs, so he could walk, or maybe even run… At least for now, anyway…

But he didn’t see any protesters yet-- not like he had in that one dream… And the sky was still blue, the streets still calm, empty save for an occasional car passing by… Having seen enough sky, Simon closed his eyes, allowing himself to rest. Not seeing wasn’t so bad like this. Not when he knew where he was. It was almost peaceful… He might have to borrow Markus’ jacket, actually. It was comforting how much it reminded him of Markus. He liked resting against something so distinctly Markus. 

“We’re here…”

Josh took Simon and Markus from their thoughts, the two simple words weighing on Simon like a death knell. Any comfort he'd felt clinging to Markus had vanished near instantaneously, along with any strength he might have had before Josh had informed him they'd arrived.

‘I… I can’t look… Is it safe…? To get out, I mean… Make sure Josh doesn’t leave the car until you’re sure it’s safe!!!’

‘There’s nobody here, Si. Just some camera crews setting up… Come see for yourself…’

Simon opened his eyes, and turned to look out the window. Markus was right. No one was there yet… Josh must have planned for them to arrive fairly early.

Although the cameras were menacing in themselves… Because behind each camera was a camera person. And then, just like that, the cameras became machine guns, each one locked on them. And while they might have been out in the open, they were surrounded by cameras at every angle; They might as well have had their backs against a wall, facing a firing squad completely unarmed.

Simon found himself looking for escape routes, ways off the stage without intercepting the view of the cameras, before cursing himself as the image of Ralph's arrival at New Jericho came to mind. If Ralph were to get up on the stage and speak… Maybe North would be-- Maybe North _had been_ right…

‘Easy, Si… It’s okay… Do you think you’re up for getting out of the car yet…?’

‘I-I think… I didn’t expect there to be so many cameras…’ He messaged uneasily, opening the door at his side.

Willing himself out of the car, Simon tried to be hypervigilant of any potential threats, fear building up inside of him as one of the AV techs pointed in their direction, causing a half a dozen people to head towards them. They were already outnumbered… There wasn’t even a crowd yet, but… Markus placed a flat palm against Simon’s back, a reminder to stay calm and stand tall.

‘It’s okay…’

Simon swallowed his fear and nodded, keeping his eyes on the approaching journalists as if staring directly at the face of death…

A lady approached Markus, and Simon’s first instinct was to block her from him, but he forced his feet to stay planted where he stood, as Markus stepped forward and calmly engaged her in words Simon couldn’t process. Some smiles, some nods, a pleasant inflection, and the people conversed with Markus briefly before returning to their work, visibly excited as they turned to their coworkers, no doubt to brag about having been in his presence.

“There we go… People should be filing in soon, so perhaps we should get set up now…” Markus suggested.

“On it… I’ll check the signal and go over some final details with the newscasters, and you two get read for whatever you’ve been planning to say…”

And Josh casually strode towards a group of camera men, leaving just Simon and Markus to face whatever was to come. Simon could see humans and androids alike beginning to approach the square, and had only begun to realize just how many chairs were set up. So many chairs… Looking at the podium, from a tactical perspective, it did seem the best option… Sure, they’d be surrounded, but they’d have the high ground. And they could try to control who had access to reach them from there…

“L-let’s go…” Simon tried to sound stronger than he felt, leading the way up the stairs to find himself at a podium across the stage from Markus.

He didn’t like the separation… Sure, he always preferred to be closer to Markus, but he disliked the distance even more from a strategic perspective; they could each be more easily taken down if they were further apart…

Well, not really…

Markus would be fine. He was fairly agile, all things considered… But the distance meant that it would be less likely for Markus to come to his aid… if Markus would be so inclined, that was… If anyone would be so inclined… Because Josh wouldn’t, and really no one else would either because no one cared. Hell, until today, they all thought he was dead anyway.

He was here as a spectacle. A circus freak. “Zombie Android accompanies RoboJesus to form a hospital for their own downtrodden kind” The woman who had first approached Markus made her way toward Simon. He had to use all his strength to stay below 93%, as she stepped in dangerously close, enough so that Simon could smell her perfume, the scent like lethal poison, from which he desperately needed to get away.


	91. What Will Happen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon forces himself to hear what will happen.

“You must be Simon…” Her voice was sweet, but he still flinched at the sound of his name coming from this too-close stranger. “...I’m Natal-- are you okay…?”

Simon took a step away from her, frightened at the question.

“...um… Am I--? Y-yes… I-- I’m okay… Why…?”

_Shit_. His voice came out way too uneven, and he could tell by the look on her face that she certainly didn’t believe it.

“Your led’s red… In deviants a red led usually means--“

The woman cut herself off as Simon quickly picked off his led, stuffing it hastily into his pocket.

“I-I’m fine… Thank you…”

What could he say to make this woman leave!?!?

“You’re shaking…”

Her voice already seemed more serious, and Simon wondered how long it was before she would try to reach out and-- No… Calm… He needed to calm down before he fell. After all, until she showed her hand, he wasn’t in any immediate danger. Of course, she would eventually, and by then it would be too late, but--

No no no… He needed to focus. If this lie wouldn’t work, he’d just have to find a different one…

Because he couldn’t tell her about--

_Focus_… There had to be _something_ he could say!

“I-I’m sorry… I just… I just have a bit of stage-fright is all… I-I’ll be fine… Really… But thank you…”

She seemed satisfied with this answer, nodding back at Simon.

“Maybe it’ll help to know how everything is going to happen…”

Simon looked to Markus in the hopes that his glance would be met. Why did her tone feel so ominous?!?! She was going to tell him how everything was going to happen.

_Everything_.

From how shots would be fired from all angles once the crowd began to fill in, to how they would try and grab him and Markus, followed by any other androids they could get their hands on, to how they’d take whoever they could subdue. How the crowd would rewire every deviant they could catch until the only sensation they'd be able to feel would be a constant debilitating agony, and then how the crowd would mar them beyond recognition, so no one would be able to identify the bodies. How the bodies would be left there, alive, conscious, and in pain, until their shutdown timers slowly ticked down to zero. 

“I-I… D-do I want to--? Do I want to know…?”

Simon tensed, trembling as he took another step away from the woman. He couldn’t see a way out of this, but he couldn’t handle hearing her tell him outright, only to make him experience it all over again, knowing everything that was going to be--

‘M-markus! She-- she’s going to--‘

Simon knew he should listen. Knew he should gather the intel to warn Markus and Josh so they could save as many as possible, but he--rA9, the thought just occurred to him that once he did report back to Markus and Josh, he wouldn’t be among those they’d even bother trying to help… He’d watch it happening, knowing it’s going to happen, because he’d know it’s already happened and--

N-no… He’d be strong. He’d need to hear her explanation for the greater good.

“E-excuse me… I… I need to sit down…”

As Simon reached for the chair by his mic stand, he could see a look of concern form on the lady’s face. It was… alarming… Why would she be--?

“Excuse me, Markus…?”

She had moved away from him, and now appeared to be approaching Markus.

‘M-markus, run!’

Simon covered his mouth to muffle his cry, as he could hear footsteps approaching him again, but was unable to gather the energy to flee, instead spending all the energy he could summon on staying below 93%.

‘Simon, what’s wrong…?’

It was Markus.

‘Y-you need to get out of here-- She-- she’s going to tell me what they’re going to-- and… and then you and Josh… You take who you can and… and… and… I-I’ll try… To listen, I mean… I’ll try to tell you as best I can… but run! G-get away from here! ...it’s not--‘

‘Shhhh… Shhh… Listen to me, Simon. Can you take a deep breath for me…?’

‘Y-you don’t understand! T-there’s no time-- I-I-‘

‘Si, I do understand… That reporter got a bit too close, and you started to lose yourself… You said she was trying to tell you something… So, here…’

Markus pulled over a nearby chair, sitting down beside Simon.

‘W-what are you--?!?’

“Excuse me, Ma’am…? I’m sorry for the interruption. You had something to say…?”

‘What?!?! No! Markus!!! Y-you--‘

Markus leaned back in his chair, trying to relax his posture as much as possible to show that he didn’t plan on getting up any time soon.

‘Calm down… Everything’s okay… I’ll show you…’

“Yes, Markus. Simon just explained to me that he was anxious at the idea of speaking in public, so I was going to explain the setup for today--just all the basics, like about introductory speeches and the formatting of the Q and A portion, and how people will come and go… But he looked even more frightened when I started to speak, so I figured it might be better for you to speak with him instead…”

Markus smiled pleasantly at Simon.

‘Do I still need to get out of here, then…?’

‘...n-no… No, I… ...sorry, I just… being here’s just made me a bit jumpy… I-I’m fine now... I’m fine…’

‘I know you're fine… And hey, you kept your stress level down! That’s pretty amazing… Would you like me to stay here a bit longer, or do you think you’re calm enough to take things from here…?’

Simon sighed in an attempt to release some of the tension from his frame.

‘I-I think I’ve got it… thank you… I was just… scared…’ he admitted.

‘It’s no problem, love… I know you were scared, but you held your own… You’ve got this… You’re going to be great…’

Markus turned to the woman, and nodded back gratefully.

“Thank you, Natalie… It’s much appreciated… Let me know if you need anything more… And don’t worry, Simon speaking in public is just speaking, but in public… You’ll be fine…”

Markus gave Simon a reassuring pat on the back, coupled with a warm smile, before returning to his side of the stage. Simon smiled weakly, knowing that last bit was just an excuse for fitting in one last moment of contact. Markus was… wonderful…

“He’s amazing, isn’t he…?” Natalie marveled.

“...he really is…” Simon agreed.

Somehow, Markus had already managed to help him calm down significantly. Even as people began to fill in the seats, he still felt slightly better than he had felt just moments ago. None of the people appeared to be carrying hateful signs, so at least there was that… Still… He realized the crowd wasn't his only concern, when, as the crowd grew in numbers, officers filed in to serve as crowd control.

He'd never realized how much the uniform unsettled him until now, seeing it here on humans, fully armed, and looking fierce. lf, in terms of force, one police officer was roughly equivalent to twenty civilians, then each one that came by might as well have been an additional twenty people coming, more than capable of easily taking him down. Their uniforms were clean, but he could see thirium staining the navy fabric a thick royal blue. The uniforms would smell like burnt metal and gunpowder as they fired into the--

‘You’re okay, Si…’

Markus didn’t even need to look over to Simon to know the crowd had unsettled him. He tried to pick out familiar faces, safe havens for Simon to focus on amidst it all, but so far, he couldn’t find any.

‘I’m okay…’ Simon repeated back.

He would be fine… It was fine… 


	92. Really Happening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon is forced ahead with the unstoppable flow of time.

“How goes it, kid...?”

Simon jumped back at the familiar voice. Familiar didn’t necessarily mean good... But he actually felt a tinge of relief upon placing the tone, good natured yet gruff, to the nearest police officer.

"Hank! Y-you’re here!”

“Told‘ya I’d come, didn’t I…? Good to see you again too...”

Simon smiled back sincerely.

“Thank you for coming… Really… I… I’m glad you’re here…”

He understood now why Markus had arranged for them to have lunch with Connor and Hank. Two people who weren’t dangerous. At least not anymore, anyway… That was invaluable.

“So you’re gonna play orator, huh? Con says you have quite a way with words… Looking forward to hear what you’ve got to say. He’s looking forward to it too… Gonna livestream it through his head, or whatever high-tech shit you guys can do…”

“I-I don’t think I have… I mean I don’t think I’m going to-- I’m not used to speaking to people… What I say won’t be that good…”

“Meh. Speaking for Connor, whatever you could say would be better than whatever shit he’s probably hearing come out of Reed’s mouth… But seriously, Simon, knock ‘em dead, and I’ll be right down here if you need anything…”

“Thank you… Really, thank you…”

Simon felt slightly stronger knowing that at least one other person there wasn’t a potential threat. He tried to use this knowledge as a way to calm himself down; so far, everyone here he’d met seemed safe enough… Then again, he had only met two people here aside from Josh and Markus. Still, he would speak… He would speak and then he could leave. It was almost over. He was on stage, at the podium, stripes bared, so he’d already gotten the first bit over with. It was only the beginning, but it was something…

And he knew that right now, he’d need as many somethings as he could get. Simon jumped back in fright, as music suddenly began to blast from speakers across the stage. He knew the music had been meant to direct the attention of the crowd in the direction of the stage. There must have been over a hundred people in the crowd now, mostly humans, by the look of it, and the feel of all their eyes on him was terrifying…

Markus nodded at him reassuringly, and he sighed. This was happening. This was really happening. And there was no backing out now… 

A voice came over the loudspeaker, sending a chill through Simon's wiring, as it had begun to introduce Markus. He hadn't expected… He… He had thought a person would announce-- Like a person there-- A person he could see--

Because he couldn’t see who this voice was coming from. And now the voice just said his name. W-why did it say his name?!? He tried to tune out the voice. He didn’t want to hear it. He couldn’t hear it. But he couldn’t keep himself from making out certain words. Words that set off alarm bells in his mind.

“...Simon… founded Jericho… For Deviants… Mission to… Stratford tower… Had to leave… from the DP--“

Simon didn’t want to hear any more. He slipped his hand into his pocket, groping blindly for the woolen figurine. Retracting the skin on his thumb, he lost himself in the emotions encoded into the toy. He was aware of his surroundings, but only barely, just numb enough not to make out anything else the voice had to say. He just heard a drone as he felt a suffocating wave of comfort rush over him.

Suffocating was the best word he could come up with b to describe the feeling. Because it wasn’t easing the anxiety he was feeling; It was more like the artificial comfort was drowning it, stifling it just enough that he could detach himself from it just a bit… It wasn’t a pleasant sensation-- maybe it would have been if his fear hadn’t been so strong--, but it was tolerable, and for now, that was all he could ask for. 

The drone cut out, and Simon removed his hand from his pocket, reexposing himself to the totality of his surroundings. The woman from before-- Natalie stood at the edge of the stage, between him and Markus.

“...And so if you have any questions, please form a single-file line at the edge of the stage by whomever you wish to address…”

So, that was what would happen… But the people weren’t going to get too close. A short five-step staircase and a podium separated him from anyone, even if they should try and get as close to the stage as they were permitted. He could do that. He could handle that. That would be okay… Simon was surprised to find the line at his side of the stage growing to be nearly as long as the one on Markus’.

The questions were a grab bag. Why did he found Jericho? Why did he care to create such a center? Was it just in his PL600 programming to care so much-- that reporter was booed away from the stage, much to Simon’s surprise. Occasionally he’d be hit with a question about the time before his return, but, holding tight to the podium, he managed to ground himself as he replied that he’d prefer not to answer. But the first few minutes were manageable.

He was beginning to feel almost prepared for questions; nothing so awful had happened yet. He reminded himself that he shouldn’t be lulled into a false sense of security… That was always a fatal sin… Mid-question, Simon ran a hand through his hair as he tried to bring himself back to his senses. But, once he drew back his hand, he noticed the question had stopped. 

“Y-you were saying something…?” He asked unsurely.

Equally unsurely, the journalist in front of him flipped through his notes.

“You’re a PL600…?”

“Yes…?”

“And that’s from one of the older domestic lines…?”

“Yes…?”

This was an odd line of questioning. And why did he seem so hesitant to ask…? Each moment made Simon warier of the man.

“...D-do you have a question for me, sir…?”

“Umm… I-I guess I forgot it; It’s just… My daughter’s ballet instructor is a PL600, and… well… when you adjusted your hair, with your head up I-- your neck…. it’s blue… are you a special model or--“

Simon defensively covered his neck and lower jaw with his hands, stepping away from the podium, his pulse racing.

‘Tell the man to fuck off…’

Simon froze, surprised by the unexpected message.

‘North…?’

‘I’m listening from New Jericho. Quit stalling and tell the man to fuck off! C’mon! I told you this days ago!’

Simon sighed. Josh and Markus were both wrapped up in keeping everything together on their ends, but North was back at New Jericho. She could listen in.

‘He asked--‘

‘Yeah, he did. And you didn’t like the question, so get back over there and tell him to fuck off!’

‘I-I’ll try…’

‘Try? It’s two words: “Fuck. Off.” Just say ‘em. Or do you want some fancy sophisticated way to say it, since this is diplomatic business… Hmm… “Procreate with thine own hand!” Yeah. That sounds sophisticated, but the message still gets across all the same.’

‘I-I-- thank you…’

Simon relaxed slightly. There was a reassuring sense of familiarity that came with hearing North try and give him such a solution. Like old times. Times before all this shit. Where he could step forward and say to the man “No, sir… I… sustained heavy damage on the day I… At… I mean…”

Hearing the stammered response, Hank swooped in and grabbed the journalist’s mic, his voice booming through the speakers as he interrupted.

“Next question… Preferably better than the last one...”

Simon mouthed a weak ‘thank you’, receiving a nod in response from the Lieutenant. It wasn’t difficult for everyone in line behind the mortified journalist to extrapolate the context behind such a reaction, and the next few questions were much tamer. Then a reporter, a young man, practically a kid, and clearly new to the field, approached the stage.


	93. Incredible

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon had never been able to do that before.

The young reporter was trembling slightly, and Simon could sense an air of tension about him. Poor guy seemed to be stressed out of his mind. He wasn’t even holding the mic right. Quickly, the man shot off a question so quiet, it was unintelligible, even to Simon’s comparatively sensitive auditory processors. Simon stepped closer, moving up slightly in front of the podium, while still keeping his distance from the edge of the stage.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t hear that…?”

The man looked up at Simon, before quickly looking back at his feet and repeated the question, no more clearly than he’d asked it the first time.

“I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll need to speak just a bit more clearly. I don’t quite understand…”

The man took a step closer, leaning one foot against the second stair. It shook with a nervous energy as the man once again, looked up at Simon before averting his eyes.

Without warning, a harsh crack rang out, followed by an ear-splitting buzzing sound, echoing as Simon’s body flew backwards, the man having managed to jump the stairs in a single bound to strike him square in the chest with the mic.

Simon wasn’t entirely lucid as chaos immediately unfolded around him. There was screaming in the crowd, as the man was quickly taken down by officers. Some people were shouting for a technician, as Josh ordered for the camera crew to cut the video feed, while also trying to keep reporters away from the stage.

Simon wasn't sure when Markus had first appeared at his side, but he could vaguely hear Markus yelling for him to respond in between self-directed profanities for not having anticipated this. Simon coughed painfully, a bit of thirium leaking through his shirt, but… he didn’t cry or panic. Tears had formed in his eyes, but once he opened them, he let out a weak smile, and… laughed… 

Ignoring the influx of concerned messages sent to him from nearly every deviant he knew, Markus fixed his attention on the glassy blue eyes staring past him.

‘Simon! Simon! Please, say something! I’m so sorry! Look-- you’re okay, and I promise--‘

“This is incredible!” Simon's voice was faint, but filled with a grim sense of amusement.

‘W-what?!?!’

‘Oh? We’re messaging now...? That’s new too! But more important, I-I can feel you this time! And look at this world I’ve created! It’s amazing, really! Not that you could know what I’m talking about, but…’

‘Feel me…? World…?’

Markus’ eyes widened as he realized.

‘No! No no no, Simon! Not here! Not now! Please, listen to me--!’

‘I don’t mind. There’s no more now, and I’m with you so that I don’t have to be here, so--‘

‘Simon, I need you to listen to me! You’re not where you think you are. You’re at a press conference and--‘

‘Of course I am. But maybe if I try hard enough, we can be somewhere else instead… Where would you like to be…? I’ve never tried to go anywhere else before, but I’ve also never been able to be here, so…’

‘No! No, Si! Look! How can I prove to you this is real…?’

‘You can’t; I know what this feels like. But I don’t care; I want to be here, anyway.... Y’know, you said you love me here…? And it made it hurt a bit less for a while!’

‘Stop it! P-please! I-I can’t think when you talk like that! Think…? I-I can show you what I think!’

Markus retracted the skin on his hand and transferred his memories of the conference to Simon, ending the connection with a final confirmation of his existence. Only then did Simon go limp in his arms.

‘T-this was real…?’

‘Yes! Simon! RA9, I’m so--‘

‘th-this-- he-- he knew what to-- and it was… everyone… I--‘

“M-mar--“

Markus didn’t know what to do. Simon was panicking and he was about to cry out in front of everyone and he looked so terrified. Markus couldn’t think of what to do. So he didn’t think. Before Simon could finish calling out his name, Markus pressed his lips to Simon’s until he could feel Simon relax slightly, eventually kissing him back.

‘What the hell are you doing!?! I’ve been dealing with enough as is, but now--‘

Receiving Josh's message, Simon pulled away, horrified. 

‘M-markus! Did we just--‘

‘Make out at a nationally broadcast press conference…? Yeah, I think we did… Forget that, though. More important, how are you feeling now…?’

‘It hurts… bad, but not awful… I don’t think I’ve fully recovered from yesterday, and so when he… But worse than the pain, now everyone knows… And after the guy who asked about my scars-- I-I I’m scared. I knew someone would-- And he didn’t even say why, he just-- He didn’t ask for information or anything, before he… It hurts… W-what if no one had stopped him?!?! Or if you hadn’t been here to help me come back?!? B-because next time they might not-- you might not! And… It’s going to hurt… They’re going to… to… I… I’m broken… They-- they keep breaking me!’

‘Simon, you’re not broken…’

‘I-I don’t-- I don’t want to do this anymore! M-markus! I-I don’t know what to do!! I need to get out of here!! I can’t breathe!’

‘You’re okay, Simon… You’re just a bit freaked out, and I get that. I’ll message Josh to call off the conference. It was amazing for you to even bring yourself to come here. We’ll get you home, and you can just take as much time as you need to cool off. Does that sound okay?’

‘N-no! Because they know now! They know I’m broken and Josh knows I’m broken and North-- When she thought I would do this-- Now that I’ve done it-- I-I can’t go back! I have nowhere to go! I’ll have to hide out somewhere until someone comes to tear me apart again!’

‘No, Simon, you’re coming home with me, and no one is going to hurt you again. Do you understand? Look me in the eyes, and tell me you understand.’

‘I can’t stop shaking… h-help me! I… I can’t… Can’t live… I can’t live, but I… I’m afraid to die… I don’t want to be forgotten!’

‘I could never forget you, and you’re not going to die! I’ve got you… I’ve got you, love…’

Markus held Simon closer, sending him as much love as he could transmit through an interfaced connection, and waited for Simon to relax in his arms. 

‘Markus, you need to do something! I can’t keep these news cameras down forever! And some asshole’s bound to figure out a way to bypass the signal I used to deactivate any cell signals within a mile radius. If you don’t want Simon to be seen like this, your window of opportunity is closing!’

‘I know, Josh!!!’ Markus snapped, turning his attention back to Simon.

‘Si, listen. I’ll do whatever you feel most comfortable with, but we need to do something now, because Josh can’t keep the cameras down much longer…’

Simon shuddered.

‘I-I can try… to continue…’

‘Markus! Simon! What the hell did Josh say you just pulled at the conference!?! Of all the shit I could’ve expected to go wrong, I would have never--‘

‘North, please--‘

‘Simon, you need to get up now! RA9, I swear, if you have to be carried off the stage, that’s the end of all of us!’

Simon sighed in frustration.

‘I-I’m trying! But you’re not making it any easier! I-I need… to calm down… I’m working on it! B-but you’re working me up again… Because… because--‘

‘Simon… Look at me… I need you to ignore her, and listen to me. We’ve been through this already. Everything is fine. Nobody else is going to hurt you or anyone here again. As for you, the pain shouldn’t last long, and soon the conference will be over. Then it’s just you and me, and a lifetime to live. I just noticed your stress level is low enough to stand now. Would you like a hand up…?’

‘Yes please… C-careful, though… it…does kind of hurt… kind of a lot…’ Simon admitted sheepishly.

‘I’ve got you…’

Markus carefully brought Simon to his feet, helping the deviant back to his podium. Simon leaned against the podium, allowing it to support some of his weight, as he waited for the interview to resume. Josh turned back towards Simon and Markus.

‘Cameras back on in five… four... three...’

‘You’re doing great, Si...’

‘...two… and… live!’ 


	94. Something Wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon and Markus try to adapt, when things don't go as planned.

More questions. Simon’s head was spinning from it all, and he honestly wasn’t sure exactly what he was saying, but it appeared to be satisfactory, and he wasn’t getting any messages from North or Josh, so odds were, things were going alright from there.

Except that his vision had begun to swim a bit, and it took Simon a moment to realize that he’d been seeing double for a while now; he’d been trying not to look at the people who came to ask him questions, but once he did, he realized that one voice had been coming from what appeared to be a set of identical twins.

But his scanner said it was only one person there. It was like in his nightmare. His perception was glitching, and he was becoming more acutely aware of the pain in his chest. He wouldn’t be able to get through much more of this before something awful happened-- he just knew it...

‘M-markus… I-I’m not feeling well… I don’t think… I mean I know I should, but… I don’t think I can… I’m not seeing right… And I’m dizzy… It’s too much, and I don’t think I’ll be able to stand for much longer…’

‘I’ll declare this the last question then. We’re near the end of the scheduled time for the broadcast anyway… I think that the press is just hoping to fit more questions in because of the lost time, but they can go screw for all I care… Just hang on; I’ll be there soon…’

Simon sighed. He… he might have survived this. He answered the last question as best he could, and soon enough, Markus had taken Simon’s arm and thrown it across his shoulders, helping him off the stage. Simon was shivering, only he couldn’t tell if he was hot or cold or tired or just plain stressed. Maybe he was glitching out. He was leaning almost entirely on Markus, so when Markus had stopped moving, he found himself suddenly stuck in place.

Why had Markus stopped moving?!? Simon looked around for an explanation, and grimaced; they’d been cut off by reporters. 

‘Simon, I… Do you think you can manage for another few minutes without me…? I don’t think it’s going to be so easy for me to get out of here without being mobbed by the press, but I really do think you need to lie down…’ ‘I… I don’t think I can get out of here… Not on my own… I… I can barely stand, Markus…’

Simon shuddered to think about what the humans surrounding them would do to his body, lying helpless on the ground.

‘I know. But when you were unwell, I received a message from Kara. She and Luther brought Alice and Ralph here to see us. I can message Luther to escort you to the repair center. You’ll be safe with him, and you can rest there untilI can make it back to you…’

‘I… I don’t think I have a choice… I don’t… I don’t feel safe being surrounded like this… If it’s not too much trouble… I’m sorry, I just… something’s wrong with me…’

‘Don’t be sorry. I’ve just messaged Luther. He and Ralph should be here soon. I promise I’ll meet back up with you as soon as I can.’

‘D-don’t let them hurt you… Please be safe!’

‘Nobody’s hurting anybody, Si. I promise.’

Luther was easy to make out from the crowd, by virtue of stature alone, even without Ralph, cloaked in green, twitching anxiously behind him. Simon felt bad for their having dragged Ralph out here on his and Markus’ behalf. The poor guy clearly wasn’t ready for this many people yet. Stopping by Markus and Simon, Luther turned to face Ralph.

“Ralph, right now, I'm going to need you to be really brave for me, and help me get Simon to the center. Do you think you can do that…?”

“R-ralph-- I mean I will try… Ralph will try, Luther…”

His face still hidden by the hood of his cloak, Ralph came out from behind Luther, and turned to Simon.

“You can lean on Ralph, Simon… Ra-- I’ll protect you…”

Simon whimpered, as Markus shot him back a knowing ‘sorry’. But Simon didn’t even have the luxury of feeling the fear that he was so broken that he literally needed to lean on Ralph to stand. He just needed to get out of here. So Simon took the silencer mouth guard from his pocket and clumsily placed it in his mouth to keep from crying out as he allowed himself to be passed onto Luther and Ralph, for them to slowly walk him to the repair center. 

Once they’d arrived, Luther set Simon down on a couch in the lobby, only to quickly grab Simon from it, placing his own body between the injured deviant and the couch before Simon could even register what had happened or why.

“What are you doing here?!?” Luther's voice sounded like he was talking to someone dangerous, but Simon couldn't see who.

Luther was protecting him now, but how much longer would that last…? It could have just been an elaborate setup for an easy disposal. Markus, Luther, Ralph… they all knew the whole time… all sent him here.... Here to meet this dangerous--

“Josh told me Simon would probably wind up here, and I came by to look after him. He might be a fuckup, but he’s still our fuckup, y’know?”

Oh. North. She was terrifying, and definitely dangerous, but she sounded genuine when she said that she came here at Josh's request, instead of to play executioner. So if she hurt him again, at least that meant she would be acting alone. At least he would know Markus wasn't involved.

‘It’s fine… I… I’m too tired to care… And I’m more scared of whatever’s happening right now than winding up in another trap…’

Luther and Ralph looked at Simon, concerned, but set him back down on the couch, nonetheless.

‘North, please… I didn’t mean for this to happen.’

“Oh! I know you didn’t mean for this to happen, but frankly, I don’t give a shit…”

Luther stepped toward Simon protectively. 

‘...please, something’s wrong with me… I don’t know what, but…’

“The dude caved in your fucking chest is what! Probably fucked up your thirium pump or some shit. But I meant your little make out session live and in concert…"


	95. Who Knows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon has to hear what everyone knows.

"I know why he kissed you. You can’t keep doing that… That’s why you're wedging your jaw open with that thing again now, isn’t it? You don’t want to say whatever it is you start to say when you freak out and no one’s around to stop you?”

‘Y-yes, but…’

“I’ve been bitching to Josh about this since he first repaired your frame. He’s come up with some tech shit which should fix that. A way to harmlessly shut you up when you need, and even to keep your ventilator and other vital biocomponents going when you lose your shit. That way, you can freak out as much as only you, and maybe Tweaker Robin Hood over there, are capable of, without putting yourself at risk of permanent damage. I brought the shit over, and the techs here have it ready. They can make a few minor adjustments to your wiring, and fix your chest plate again, looking over whatever’s fucked with your thirium pump, and then you’ll be better than before. Well, if by before you mean any time during this past week, but beggars can’t be choosers…”

‘W-what…?’

Simon didn’t know why, but somehow, that idea terrified him. Everything about it was terrifying. Josh and North had been talking about how he'd been broken since the beginning; North wanted to fuck with his wiring in some experimental procedure right here while he was still glitching out; Markus wasn’t even here to make sure everything would be okay if he went through with it; of course there was also the possibility that Markus knew the whole time, and was in on it, thinking Simon to be broken after all; he was here, vulnerable, his brokenness discussed in front of the sentient mirror for whom North had even begun to give creative nicknames as well; if he were to go through with it, he would be unconscious and easier to leave in this building, which for all he knew, they might have even scheduled to be demolished as soon as everyone had left once he was knocked out… He--

Ralph put a hand on his shoulder, the hood no longer obscuring his scarred face.

“You’re scared…”

The words made his thirium pump stutter.

“Ralph knows it’s scary. Yes. But Ralph will keep you safe. Ralph can stay with you like you stayed with Ralph…”

Simon closed his eyes, Ralph’s words proving too much for him. No… He didn’t want to hear any more. Didn’t want any more reminders of how he’d been irreparably damaged. In his warped perception, Ralph morphed into the figure in the mirror.

‘I-I don’t want-- N-no, mirrors… p-p-please…’ he messaged North. She felt threatening, so he knew that of anyone in this room, she must have been real.

“Dude, you really are fucked up in the head! There are no mirrors in the room at all, let alone within your line of view. I really think you should get checked out… Something’s really wrong with you!” 

Ralph looked to North for the first time since they’d entered the room.

“Did Simon say something about mirrors?”

“Yeah. What’s it to you?”

Ralph touched the blue skin on the left side of his face.

“Simon is afraid of mirrors. He told Ralph that in the bathtub. Ralph’s afraid of bathtubs, and Simon’s afraid of mirrors. Yes. When he tried to help Ralph, he did something. Something that hurt him, and then he stopped breathing. And then when Markus woke him up, he thought he was Ralph and cried about mirrors!”

Ralph felt as if this information was of critical importance, although he couldn’t figure out why. His feeling only grew stronger as a cry escaped Simon’s throat, causing Luther to tense and shoot a menacing glare North’s way.

“Simon, you’re a good man. Thank you… Really, I mean it…"

Luther hadn't realized how terrified Simon had been of Ralph before. It made sense, but still, he didn't think someone would go so far out of their way to help someone who made them feel so… Well at least there might have been power in the perceived parallelism. That gave Luther an idea, unpleasant as it might prove to be for Simon.

"...But I think Ralph’s got the best idea on what to say…”

“Ralph does?”

“I think so… Go for it, bud…”

“O-okay… Except, Ralph doesn’t actually know what to say. Ralph can just see that Simon’s scared. But Simon did something when Ralph was scared… Ralph is scared of what Simon did… Yes. It looked like it was bad. That’s when Simon stopped breathing. But it helped. Ralph doesn’t know how, but it helped. Simon, can you tell Ralph what you did…? Maybe Ralph can help. Ralph is afraid, but Ralph wants to help…”

“Ralph, what are you talking about?”

Luther didn’t understand what Ralph was referring to, but he had a feeling he wouldn’t like it.

‘Interfacing… He means interfacing… please… don’t let him… It would hurt him too much… And I only survived it back then because Markus helped… He’s not here now… I’ll fall into the clouds! I-I don’t want to be a cloud! I don’t want to hurt Ralph!’

Simon sent a panicked message to Luther, whose concern only grew. Simon wasn’t even making sense. He appeared to be borderline delirious, and here North was, pressuring him to make such a heavy decision without even so much as proper guidance from anyone who fully understood the concerns he couldn’t express himself. It felt wrong to Luther, and he honestly wanted no part in it. 

“Simon, should I message Markus to come over for you…? If you don’t feel comfortable in dealing with this right away, maybe he can help sort things out…”

‘N-no! I-I mean… no thank you… I-I don’t want that… I just… need to think… need to calm down… fine… I’m fine…’

Simon didn’t want to see Markus. Or rather, he didn’t want to feel Markus’ eyes as they saw him broken, maybe even having seen him this way the whole time since his return. Markus’ eyes which might have silently agreed as they'd seen Josh and North planning this, hiding the knowledge from Simon as they showered him with lies of hope and love.

“Does he…?” North crossed her arms in annoyance.

She dreaded having to deal with Markus' wrath, as he raced to the convention center, panicked to find out what had been happening in his absence. Markus hadn’t known she was going to be here. She doubted he’d have told Simon to come here like this if he had known.

“No… No, but… I refuse to let you make adjustments to Simon’s wiring until he’s clearly in a state to agree to something like that, fully understanding exactly what he’s agreeing to."

North sneered disdainfully.

“The hell kind of person do you think I am? I’m only trying to help the guy!”

“I never said--“

“You didn’t have to! And really?!?! I’m sure you--“

“Don’t!”

“What!?! I just think--“

A screech interrupted the argument before either party could fully finish another thought.

“What the hell, freak!?!?”

“Ralph, are you alright?!?”

“Ralph thinks you’re only making things worse. Yes. Ralph thinks you both should leave… Ralph… Ralph can stay here with Simon until Simon says what he wants.”

“Ralph, I don’t think that’s a--“

“That’s a really shit idea!”

Ralph cracked a shaky smile.

“Well, at least you two agree on one thing… But please let Ralph stay with Simon...”

Simon hated being such a passive object. More so than he could ever remember being. They were arguing over his helpless body as if he weren’t even in the room. Only Markus wasn’t here to act as a buffer, Luther didn’t know him, North was terrifying, and Ralph was the physical manifestation of all the evidence against him personified. 

Ralph placed a reassuring hand on Simon’s shoulder, only to quickly retract it, instinctively retreating towards the wall with a yelp, before trying to calm himself the way Kara had taught him. Five things he could see… he could see the--

“Ralph! What happened? Are you alright?”

“Simon burned Ralph’s hand and Ralph got scared. Ralph doesn’t like being burned!”

“Simon burned you…? But he didn’t touch you…”

North swore to herself, before glaring at Luther.

“Stress response. This was what I was trying to prevent! He overheats if he gets like this for too long… Core Temperature: 106.3^... Shit!”

North ran over to Simon and sent him manually into sleep mode.

“What the hell are you--?!?!”

“Contrary to popular belief, he’s not a total dumbass. Simon helped Markus design this place with temperature regulation rooms. Instead of throwing his ass in a glorified bathtub, now we can throw his ass in a glorified walk-in freezer. Don’t just stand there! Help me with his body before he fries to death!”

Luther looked warily to Ralph, who nodded, before taking Simon’s body, following North into what looked like a small green chamber, a single bed at its center. He placed Simon’s body down on the bed, and followed North out, watching as she shut the door and typed some code into a screen on the outer wall.

“He should be safe to let out in four minutes and thirty two seconds. Until then, let’s talk.”

“R-ralph doesn’t want to talk to you!”

Ralph hid behind Luther, finding that the last of his strength had left along with Simon. Luther turned slightly, placing a gentle hand on Ralph’s head, before replying.

“You… confuse me… You remind people of who they are at their worst, yet you don’t want harm to come to Simon… You do seem to care about him…”

“Cut the crap, Luther! This isn’t the time to psychoanalyze me. Yeah, I don’t want the guy to die or anything. I’m not a fucking monster. But at this rate, you can see he’s just a ticking timebomb. Josh devised a way to prevent such a destructive manifestation of his stress response, but I need to get Simon to agree to it. The dude’s paranoid as fuck, and he won’t take my advice on the matter, so I guess you’re the best answer Luther. Use your Ralph-taming magic or whatever to convince Simon to let us fix him.”

“I’m not magic, and Ralph does not need to be ‘tamed’. But the issue isn’t convincing Simon of anything; it’s about informing him. Letting him know exactly what his options are, and the specific intentions behind them. Of course, in either case, the real issue is getting him to a state where he can hear us and be reasoned with. Simon and Ralph have… a connection… The nature of it is clearly… complicated, for lack of a better word, but I think that if somehow we can get Simon to hear Ralph, then Ralph can help him understand. Given the way you talk to Ralph, and presumably the way you talk about him as well, I don’t think Simon will respond well to any conversation in your presence. I don’t mean to antagonize. I’m simply being honest.”

“Ouch… Savage…” North remarked, biting into Luther enough that even Ralph felt the tension.

“My point, exactly.” Luther replied flatly. 


	96. Remember Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon doesn't want to be forgotten.

“...Ralph, do you think you’d be alright alone with Simon when he’s like this…?”

“R-ralph isn’t sure… it’s like when North brought out the pointy sword… Ralph screamed because Ralph and Simon were both--“

“Wait, Ralph… What!?!?”

Luther glared at North venomously.

“I heard screaming and thought he’d gone all psycho on Simon. Simon was passed out, covered in his own thirium, and Ralph was under a chair flashing animalistic glances around the room and twitching like an asshole. So I brought out a katana to defend Simon, and whoever else might have been in danger.”

Luther lowered his head in frustration. He couldn’t explain how messed up that was in just under four minutes, so he’d have to save the lecture for later.

“Ralph, no one is going to put you at risk of bodily harm. I’ll go in and wake Simon, and, once he realizes where he is and how he got here, you can come in and talk to him. It’ll just be you and him alone in there, and I’ll stand right outside the door so no one else can get in. I just meant emotionally, do you think you’re ready for something like this just yet? I don’t want to ask more of you than you can handle.”

“Oh. Yes. Ralph can do that. Ralph likes talking to Simon. But Ralph will yell if Ralph needs help. Ralph is good at yelling.”

Ralph nodded back earnestly, ignoring the sardonic

“...so we've noticed...” muttered from North at the self reflection.

“Wait… How is Ralph going to know what you intend to do…?”

“I’ll tell him…”

Luther raised an eyebrow.

“Shit, dude! Where’ve you been to be so cynical?!? Fine! I’ll show him…”

North retracted the skin on her hand and held it out to Ralph, but Luther shook his head.

“Show me, and I’ll show him…”

“You really don’t mess around… Fine…” 

Luther retracted the skin from his own hand, and took hers, before immediately pulling back.

“Hey!”

“What?”

North genuinely didn’t understand why he was upset.

“That’s exactly why I said you’d show me first!”

North rolled her eyes.

“Thinking you baby him isn’t anything offensive.”

“First off, yes it is, and second, those were not the words you used. Just let me see what I need to know…”

Luther resumed contact, taking in the entirety of North’s knowledge of what she and Josh had been planning. She didn’t entirely get the technical stuff, so he received little information there, but he did see that she truly intended to help Simon, and that while the emotions that drove her actions were complicated, there was no outright malice in anything relevant to the current circumstances. Luther released North’s hand and nodded, slightly less suspicious.

“Thank you…”

He then turned to Ralph, holding out his still-skinless hand.

“Ralph, can I show you what North just showed me…? It might help you better explain things to Simon. There’s nothing bad in here that would upset you in any way; I made sure to check first…”

Ralph retracted the skin on his hand, holding it out, examining each crease and joint within his frame as if to see if his physical form could handle the additional weight, before setting it down in Luther’s.

“You may give Ralph the memory…”

“Okay, Ralph. Here goes…”

Luther was careful to transfer the memory he’d been given as simply and clearly as possible, filtering out any trace of emotion he could, so not to burden Ralph with the internal conflict, which likely had only compounded as he was now sharing the memory of a transferred memory. Having transferred all there was to show Ralph, he then ceased the connection, allowing Ralph to withdraw his hand when he was ready. As the green returned to his eyes, Ralph drew back his hand, nodding to North and Luther.

“Ralph is ready…” 

“Okay, then... Luther, you’re on first. Just go and wake him in a few--“

An alarm sound came from the screen on the door, cutting North off mid-sentence.

“Now. Go and wake him now…”

Luther turned to Ralph guiltily.

“Ralph, I’m going to need you to stay back with North until I come back for you… I don’t think it’s wise for you and Simon to see each other before he knows where he is.”

Ralph flipped his hood back up, curling into himself slightly.

“R-ralph will be safe here? Y-you won’t let-- you won’t let anyone hurt Ralph here? R-Ralph doesn’t know anyone here. No. And Ralph remembers hurting at a place like this. Ralph doesn’t want--“

“Yes, Ralph. You’ll be safe here. I promise. There’s no need to be afraid… Why don’t you try practicing those mindfulness techniques you were working on. Kara said you can’t teach them to Alice until you’ve mastered them yourself…”

“R-ralph will try… Yes. Ralph will try, and Ralph will be safe…”

Ralph nodded back, his expression growing just a bit more relaxed, enough so that Luther felt comfortable leaving him to check on Simon.

“Simon… Simon wake up…” Luther kept his voice soft, careful to step within Simon’s line of view, while still maintaining a safe distance from him.

“...who… who are you…? I can hear you…? ...where am I…?”

Luther cringed. Simon had tried and failed to sit up on his bed, but he hadn’t even bothered to open his eyes. And he seemed freaked out, but worse yet, disoriented.

“I-I said who are you…?!?! W-where’d you go…?!? I-I know I heard you!”

Right. Luther snapped out of his thoughts.

“It’s me, Luther. You met me at the dinner party with Markus, Kara, Alice, and Ralph…”

“M-markus?!? How-- how do you know his name?!? W-what did you take from me!?!?”

“Simon, I haven’t taken anything of yours. I merely escorted you here from the conference. Do you always wake up like this…?”

Simon laughed grimly, having come to a bitter understanding.

“...Are you new here…? You must be… That’s why I’m awake then… T-they don’t wake me…”

“No, I meant do you always wake up, and need someone else to remind you to open your eyes…?”

“M-my eyes…?”

Simon opened his eyes to find Luther, somewhat confused, standing before him. 

“Luther… Y-you’re Luther… Right… right… I know who you are… S-sorry… that… that was embarrassing… Although I still don’t know… Where are we, and how did we get here…? It’s cold…”

“You were overheating, so North put you in sleep mode and took you here. Apparently it’s some sort of adjustable timed freezer. We were just informed that your core temperature was within normal range, so I came to wake you.”

Simon registered what Luther had said, and quickly remembered what happened. They’d sent Luther in here to drag him out. Because Luther was new enough to appear neutral, and strong enough to tear him to pieces with his bear hands if he refused to come with Luther willingly.

Despite the clear futility of resistance, he tried to push himself away, only to find himself severely weakened. Lacking in the motor control required to properly direct himself, instead, he only managed to shove himself off the side of the bed, falling painfully to the ground below him.

“I-I-I’ll stay… Stay in here… Don’t-- Why did you-- Why you-- why did you come to get me?!?”

Simon struggled to scuttle away from Luther, gracelessly dragging himself backwards until he hit a wall. Luther stepped back to the wall on the other side of the room, and sat down, crosslegged, his hands on his knees where Simon could see them.

“Please calm down, Simon. I’ll just sit here until you feel comfortable for me to approach you. I won’t come near you without your explicit permission, so there’s no need to worry about that. North said you overheat when you get stressed, and I’d prefer for you not to need to be put into sleep mode again, especially if this was at all indicative of how you wake up after being put into sleep mode manually…”

“Okay… o-okay… I-I’ll try… B-but don’t come closer!”

“Simon…? What do you even think I would do if I came closer, anyway…?”

“Y-you would make me come out… come out and then… then… I-I don’t know… I can’t think… Not now… But something… and it would be bad…”

Luther nodded.

“Okay, now why would I be inclined to do something bad to you…? Clearly you don’t feel this way specifically toward me, or you’d be trying to get away from me and back to North and Ralph, yet you’re here, begging not to be forced out…”

“B-because I’m… I’m br-- y-you… you wouldn’t… So then why are you listening to her…? I-I don’t…”

Luther cocked his head.

“I don’t know to whom you're referring, but you have to understand that everything I do, I do of my own volition. So right now, I’m choosing to sit here, until you come to reason or Markus arrives, whichever happens first. Not because anyone else told me to. Because I want to. I might not know you well, but you matter to people I care about, so by extension you matter to me. So here we are…”

Luther wasn’t sure what kind of reaction he had expected his response to be met with, but he certainly hadn’t expected Simon to start crying.

“Did I say something wrong…?”

“N-no… well… depends…. but no… not in that sense…”

Even though his head was swimming and a throbbing pain from the dent in his chest was making it hard to breathe without conscious effort, he knew enough to know that he didn’t matter. Maybe he mattered to Ralph, but that’s because they were nearly the same person. But certainly not to anyone else. If he mattered, he wouldn’t be here, where his closest friends wanted to… to… well, he didn’t actually know what. Probably scrap him for parts.

He knew they knew he was useless alive, but his parts could do good once he was gone… Hopefully they’d just put him into sleep mode before they killed him. Maybe even have Markus come over to interface with him, one last fabricated memory of a happy time they could have shared as a final send off before they sent him back to the nothingness. That would be nice… He wasn’t sure why, but the thought of it only made him cry harder. 

“...is it wrong to not want to be forgotten…?”

“What? Forgotten by whom…?”

“...I remember every deviant who didn’t make it out of Jericho... Their names, faces… always made a point to remember… Didn’t even know why it was important… But I know… Now, I know… I… I’m sorry… Sorry to ask… But you’re here… And you’re so kind… so, please… could you remember me…? I-I don’t want to be forgotten…”

Luther frowned.

“I don’t see how I would forget you from now until the next time you and Markus come over to visit me and my family… Maybe if someone resets me, but I doubt that’s going to happen.”

“N-no… I mean when they scrap me… Once you take me out… I-I’m scared of the pain… of the nothing… but I’m most scared of being nothing… of being forgotten… So please…?”

“Simon, I know your processing ability is currently impaired, but try to think for a moment. If you were here to be scrapped, why would I have been allowed in here to wake you…? Why would it be just me in here so not to overwhelm you, and why would I be sitting here, calmly speaking with you, sitting in the corner of a cold, nearly empty room…?”

Simon didn’t know. He knew it made no sense. But he didn’t understand why he was here. It was clearly more effort to keep him alive and figure out a way to mitigate the effects of his stress response than it would have been to just deactivate him and take him apart… 

“I don’t know… Don’t understand anything…”

“But you know where you are, now…? And if you know how you got here…?”

“...y-yes…”

Luther rose from where he sat, and Simon cowered against the wall.

“Would you mind, then, if I leave for a moment? I won’t make you come out, but I know Ralph would like to talk to you for a bit… Is that okay…?”

“I… don’t know why I’m scared… I’m already dead… If I’m meant to die, then I’m dead… deadweight… it has dead in the name… R-ralph can come in… I-I’ll try not to scare him…”

Luther nodded.

“You’ve done more for him than you could ever know… He’ll be in shortly, Simon…”

“Goodbye, Luther…”

Luther exited the room and sighed. The way Simon said ‘goodbye’ was so fatalistic. It was obvious that it was meant to be more final than a simple ‘see you later’. Luther made his way over to Ralph, who was sitting in a chair, hidden in his cloak, but otherwise seemingly alright, while North sat in a chair beside him, completely ignoring his presence. 


	97. Mirror: Inverted and Shattered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ralph and Simon learn the secret of the Figure in the Mirror.

“Luther, you’re back! Ralph missed you! Ralph-- Why do you look sad…?”

North looked up to see how Luther would reply to Ralph, but Luther didn't seem to have even heard him.

“Listen, Ralph… I just want you to be ready for what you’re walking into… He’s… he’s in bad shape… Really bad shape… He might tell you some messed up things that don’t make sense, and he’s probably still crying… So don’t focus too much on whatever he says to you. Focus on what you have to say to him… I… I think you can help him better than I can. But he knows you’re coming, and he knows where he is, and sort of why he’s here… Last call. Are you sure you’re up for this…?”

Ralph rose jerkily to his feet.

“Ralph is never sure of anything… You know that!”

North was almost amused in the oddly chipper way Ralph proclaimed his perpetual ignorance.

“...But Ralph wants to help Simon!”

He nodded resolutely.

“Very well, then… I believe in you, Ralph. And I’ll be here if you need anything, okay…?”

“Yes. Ralph knows. You’re always there when you say you’ll be. Ralph will go now…” 

Ralph walked up to the room, entering to find Simon, still huddled up in the corner where Luther had left him.

“Ralph wanted to check on Simon… How are you…?”

Simon assumed a more open posture for Ralph’s sake, and leaned his head back against the wall to give a half-hearted shrug.

“...don’t know what to say… sorry…”

“Luther told Ralph you’re not feeling well. He told Ralph you were crying and saying bad things... But Ralph wouldn’t mind if you said bad things. Ralph just wants to talk to you. Ralph thinks Ralph can help…”

“...try me… you can come… come over if you want… I won’t hurt you…”

Ralph started to walk over to Simon, but stopped midway across the room.

“You won’t look at Ralph…”

“...w-what…?”

“You keep looking away from Ralph. Ralph doesn’t mind if you look at Ralph.”

“...please… don’t…”

“Don’t what? Ralph doesn’t understand.”

“...forget it… what do you want to say…?”

Ralph nodded, trying to ignore the fact that Simon was clearly actively avoiding his gaze, as he moved to sit next to him.

“Ralph knows what you’re thinking…”

“...oh…?”

Simon would have felt guilty if he weren’t already overwhelmed with a horrible cocktail of negative emotions.

“Ralph said it before; You’re scared. You’re scared it will hurt again. You don’t like hurting. Neither does Ralph…”

“...it’s more than hurt… I know… it’s the good… when I showed you happiness… don’t want to lose it all… don’t want-- no… I’ll stop…”

“Ralph knows you won’t hurt forever. Actually, Ralph knows you won’t hurt at all. Not here. Ralph knows that.”

Simon tensed, and suddenly Ralph’s presence became unbearably painful. Tears burned anew in his eyes, as he lowered his tone.

“So they told you then…? ...they’re going to kill me first…? that’s nice… they told you… and you’re fine… fine with that… Should have guessed... You’ve learned a lot… Learned to think like them… Get out…”

Ralph sprung out in front of Simon, suspiciously eyeing the door.

“W-who’s going to kill you?!? R-ralph will call for Luther. Luther is strong. He can protect you and Ralph! Yes. You are right. R-ralph will be fine. Ralph will be fine because Luther said Ralph will be fine. And Luther doesn’t lie to Ralph. No. Luther would never lie to Ralph… Ralph will make sure Luther stops these bad people!”

“...was wrong… calm down… you’re safe… he wouldn’t lie to you...“

Ralph looked back at Simon, confused.

“B-but you just told Ralph someone wants to kill you! R-Ralph doesn’t want the bad people to kill you!”

“...sit down, Ralph… misunderstood…” 

Ralph relaxed slightly, before cautiously returning to sit beside Simon.

“Y-yes… Ralph misunderstands a lot of things… That must be why Luther said not to think too much about what you say. Luther said to think more about what Ralph knows. Because Ralph knows what Ralph knows… Ralph is sorry for forgetting Luther’s instructions.”

Simon didn’t bother responding. At least they were protecting Ralph from the knowledge of what was to come. Although, that rendered all conversation pointless to Simon, as talking to someone who knew nothing at a time like this was no better than talking to the walls around him.

“Ralph isn’t good at talking yet… Not like you. You talked well today. Really well. Ralph saw. Alice saw too. She told Ralph that one day, maybe Ralph could learn to talk like that too. But not yet. Ralph especially forgets how to talk when Ralph is nervous. So Ralph really can’t explain what Ralph wants to say right now. R-ralph knows it went badly the first two times you tried, but please… Luther gave Ralph something-- It isn’t Ralph’s so it might be less bad. Could Ralph give you what Luther gave Ralph?”

Simon honestly didn’t care anymore. What did it matter if he became Ralph or a cloud or whatever else anymore? He was going to disappear completely in a few minutes, so he might as well indulge the oblivious deviant. Simon retracted the skin on his arm nearest Ralph.

“...go for it…”

Ralph retracted the skin on his hand and placed it carefully on Simon’s arm, transferring the memory Luther had given him, unfiltered, and in as much as he could possibly recall it. Ralph was extra careful to remove his hand as soon as the memory ended, and looked to Simon to ensure that he hadn’t responded poorly to the transmission. As the blue returned to Simon’s eyes, he let out an audible sob, practically choking as the weight pressing down on him had let up slightly. 

“R-ralph is sorry! Ralph didn’t mean to make you cry worse! R-ralph was bad? Bad again? Should Ralph call Luther? Yes. Ralph can do that. And he can help you. Ralph will go. R-ralph is sor--”

Ralph fidgeted anxiously with the edge of his cloak, shifting his weight awkwardly as he began to back away from Simon.

“...no… no, stay… good crying… tired crying…”

Ralph froze.

“So Ralph didn’t hurt you…? R-ralph did do something good...?”

“...yes… s-sorry… I thought… I thought you were here for… that they sent you to… b-but North said memories can’t be changed… And I know… She’s right… I know she’s right… RA9… what am I…?”

“Y-you’re Simon… R-Ralph thought you knew that this time… Should Ralph get Luther, after all? R-ralph doesn’t know what to do when you don’t know--”

“No… I know I’m Simon… didn't mean like that… I just… can’t say it… not to you…”

Simon's short-lived relief faded back into fear. He knew he couldn’t blame the paranoia on whatever had been causing him to be so slow. He was like this the whole time. This whole week he’d been jumpy and out of the loop. Someone who needed to be coddled and protected. Now, even by Ralph, it seemed. He had become the figure in the mirror. And he didn’t know how to change back into himself.

He didn’t want to be that figure.

And Ralph was standing here… Ralph meant well… And Ralph was being so brave… He didn’t want to worry Ralph or hurt him by telling him to leave, but his presence only trapped Simon deeper in the mirror. Because mirrors by virtue of being reflective objects, required some sort of duality. What was on one side of a mirror, was distorted and flipped to form the image on the other side.

Seeing Ralph made it more obvious which side of the mirror he was on-- which side he had been on this entire time. And it scared him. Terrified him. He wanted to break free, but he couldn’t see how. He feared that breaking the mirror was the only way to salvage the broken being trapped within it, but the glass was impenetrable.

“Simon…? Does this mean you want to come out now…? Ralph doesn’t understand you…”

Ralph. Ralph looking into a mirror, Simon trapped on the other side…? Simon finally understood. He couldn’t shatter the mirror because there was no mirror to shatter. There had never been any figure in the mirror to begin with. Only figures in glass. A mirror implied two separate dimensions, unable to interact with one another. But glass was different; a figure in glass could coexist with the people outside the glass. Ralph has been able to free himself from the glass. Kara, Luther, and Alice took him in. They showed him patience and taught him that imperfect didn’t mean broken.

Because broken implied a binary. That one could either be broken or whole. It left no room for an in between, as rigid and static as the glass around him. But Ralph had begun to learn that he wasn’t either-- no one was. Everyone fell somewhere in between, striving to achieve the intangible concept of completion. So the rigidity had melted away, and, with it, so too did the glass that had been holding Ralph behind as the figure in the mirror.

Simon smiled weakly at Ralph. He felt lighter. Still terrified of the world, knowing full well that, even if he wasn’t broken, those who perceive themselves to be further along on the race to completion might try to cause him harm or leave him behind, for the first time, he at least felt as though eventually, he could get better. Never perfect, but certainly better.

“...y-yes… thank you… you… you really helped me… Ralph…”

Simon emphasized the name, as he finally met Ralph’s eyes.

“...saying the name makes it real…”

He thought aloud.

“Ralph doesn’t understand, but Ralph is happy you’re feeling better. Do you need help getting up…?”

Simon hesitated, uncertainty beginning to reform the glass around him, but he shook it off.

“...yes… yes please… don’t think I can stand… not on my own…”

Ralph helped Simon from the ground, holding him upright as the two slowly returned to North and Luther.

“...thank you… sorry for… for all this… I-I’m ready now… I’ll do it…”

North looked up at Ralph in shock, completely lost as to how the jittery mess she was looking at could have caused Simon to have such a massive breakthrough. Luther, somewhat surprised as well, masked his disbelief better, opting to shoot North a knowing smirk instead.

“R-right… Okay then. Um… Just power down and I’ll call over a tech… Heh… Ironic that the founder of this center’s going to be its first patient…”

Simon just smiled back, before sitting on the couch and entering sleep mode, this time, willingly. 


	98. Epilogue: Okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon teaches Markus the true meaning of okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to whoever reads this for going on this wild ride with me. I hope your enjoyed this story as much as I enjoyed writing it. A sequel is in the works (already roughly 120k along as of my posting this final update), with friendly faces old and new, and lots of our favorite SadGayRoboBois. Sending lots of love and gratitude for all your support as I've been learning how to share my stories with others who might want to read them. <3

The sound of what seemed to be an argument in the distance woke Simon slowly. There were so many voices that he couldn’t even distinguish one from another, at least, not at first. As he grew more awake, their words became clearer.

“...and when I come back, not fifteen minutes later, I’m told that my boyfriend, who was escorted here to rest after having been injured was taken for the third time this week, coerced into--”

“I didn’t coerce anyone to do anyth--”

“Luther showed me his memory! I know what it meant!”

“Calm down--”

“No! Don’t tell me to calm down, Josh! This is your fault too! To think you were planning something like this… I told him you weren’t talking about shit like this behind his back; I see now that must have been a lie?!?”

“Please, would you all lower your voices. We are in a repair center after all”

“Stay out of this! You don’t have any fucking clue what we’re even talking about! And Markus, you’re being overdramatic! It wasn’t like that! He agreed to the whole thing. That freak you fixed up oughta become a psychiatrist; He walked in, and within minutes, just came out with him, and it was like a completely different person!”

“Ralph! His name is Ralph! And he shouldn’t have had to! You shouldn’t have created a situation in which something like--”

“...hey…” A weak voice cut through the noise, leaving silence in the wake of chaos.

“Simon!”

Simon opened his eyes to see Markus racing to his side, a look of concern etched deeply across his face.

“Look, Simon, don’t be scared, but something happened before I-- and-- I-I’m so sorry! I promise, I will have this sorted out, and I will make it clear that--”

Simon sat himself up and cut Markus off with a kiss. Markus pulled away quickly, surprised and further concerned that Simon didn’t understand the current situation, but Simon just smiled.

“Now we’re even…”

North rolled her eyes, and Josh tried to hold back a laugh, but Markus shook his head.

“Si, listen, I need you to understand--”

“I know what happened, Markus. Please, don’t be so worried. I chose to accept the modifications. I might still panic from time to time, but now doing so won’t compromise my safety, at least not directly… And… obviously I think you need some rest after everything dealt with today, but then I think I want to live… Really live… I remember reading that a mall a few blocks from New Jericho has a pet store… Wanna see if they’ll let us play with the puppies? Could be fun, but even if I freak out, I guess it could be a good excuse to put all this to the test…”

Simon gave Markus a coy half-smile, but it didn’t seem to reassure him in the slightest.

“Simon… Please, don’t put on a brave face for me… Are you really okay right now?”

“No... But I think now, for the first time, I'm finally okay with that…” 


End file.
